12/25/07

Happy Holidays All!!!


Or Merry Christmas ... or just Happy Effin' Winter. Whichever you choose, I hope it's lovely for everyone. I'm gonna take a break 'til the New Year from my stories, this is gonna be a busy week for me, so I'm going to leave you with my happy wishes and this:

12/17/07

Dear Santa:


Please give me a Olde English Bulldog puppy so I can buy it one of these to eat. 'Cuz I was walking through the grocery store t'other day and it scared me. Ugly little effer.

Clowns n' Elves ... eesh.

12/15/07

Having sex in a taxi ...

... is not as glamorous as you think.

Really.

And while I may or may not have been exceedingly impressed with the fact that you stayed hard for the entire 25 minute ride, I was quite astounded with you feeling the need to ask me if I had noticed.

Thanks for that.

Fuckers.

Literally.

12/10/07

Too tired to type ...


... so you get a picture. Well, at least Dave gets a picture since he requested this one, ya'll can look though. :o*

12/5/07

Christ Jeebus, I work with the Stooges.

And this could take up an entire 1/2 hour sitcom show.

This is how my night started last night:

I get to work late, about 9p-ish and am in a wheelie-van again (car is down) for the night. While I'm sitting there at base I get "forced" to go to the airport to pick up a lady in a wchair and take her to Hillsboro. It's about a $90. run to where she's going so I don't complain too much about being forced. ;-) And our base is only about 2.5 miles from the port so pretty easy to get to.

I get to the port and have to go speak to the girl at the information booth to get a special pass to p/u there; with pass in hand I head back to the van. I'm sitting about 100 ft. from the lady in the chair, I can see her where from I am but I will have to make the circuit around the port to get back into the proper lane where she is waiting.

I get in the van and *snick*. Key breaks off in the ignition. Pssht. It's far enough out that I can pull it out with my nails, but I can't get it to turn. >:-| I call the night supv (of the cars) and he has another key, but no way to get it to me.

Me: Can't you just call a cab?

He: No. What you can do though is to grab a cab from there at the port, take it up here, get the key, then take it back to the van.

Me: All right. You want me to grab one of ours so you can give him a voucher?

He: No. You have to pay for this.

Me: Horseshit. Ain't no way I'm paying for this. (I be so eloquent)

He: Hm. Well. Let me talk to dispatch and get back to you. It's about 10p now, he's off at 10.

I wait about 10 minutes then call dispatch directly.

Me: Hey, this is Trixie in 007. Can I speak to the dispatcher?

Idiot Operator 1: Who is this?

Me: Trixie in 007. Can I speak to the dispatcher?

IO1: Did you put in a voice request on the radio?

Me: No. My van is off, no radio. The dispatcher knows what's going on, could I speak to him please?

IO1: Um, wait a minute. I wait, on hold.

IO2: Hello? Who is this?

Me: Trixie in 007. Could I speak to the dispatcher, please?

IO2: Did you put in a voice request?

Me: I just went through this with the other operator. The dispatcher knows what's going on, could I just speak to him please?

IO2: Why don't you just put in a voice request?

Me: I can't. Dispatcher please.

IO2: Hold on. Me holding. You need to put in a voice request.

Me: Oh fer Crissakes. I CAN'T. Could you just LET me talk to the dispatcher? He's working w/the lot lizard to get me a key. Help me out here. I have a customer waiting, in THE RAIN, in a WHEELCHAIR.

IO2: Hold on. Holding. Can't you just put the customer in your van while they wait? Why would you make them wait in the rain?

Me: I'm not going to get into the semantics of not being able to turn on the van and the lift only working if there is actual POWER to it with you. Could you just LET ME talk to the dispatcher? FUCK!

IO2: There's no need to get angry. Hold.

I wait on hold for almost 10 minutes, (Fuckers) and finally I get the dispatcher.

Disp: Hey there Trixie, what's going on?

Me: blink I thought the lot lizard called you ... ?

Disp: Nope. What's up?

Me: O for crissakes. My key broke off in the ignition. I'm at the port. I have a lady waiting. Lizard said he has an extra key. Can you guys get it to me?

Disp: Hold one. must be training 101 for dispatchers. All we can do is tow you.

Me: WHAT?

Disp: That's our only option.

Me: You have GOT to be kidding me.

Disp: We don't have any way to get you a key.

Me: Do you not KNOW how to call a cab?

Disp: Don't get snotty. We aren't going to pay a cab to bring you a key. It's *your* job to have another key if something happens to yours.

Me: Oh, is THAT why you have extras to every cab in the fleet? HUNH.

Disp: Look, you broke the key, it's your cab, you need to get it fixed if something happens.

Me: Look, I may have broken the POS key, but it's *not* my cab, it's what you people gave me to drive tonight and I don't have to fix *shit*.

Disp: All we can do is send you a tow truck.

Me: Can't you send the key with him?

Disp: No. Do you want me to call you a tow truck?

Me: Fine. Tow me. Get his ass down here and have him tow me to base, I'll grab the key and take off from there.

Disp: We can't do that.

Me: Can't do WHAT, exactly?

Disp: Have him tow you here. If he doesn't tow you to the shop then you have to pay for the tow.
Me: You realize how asinine this is, for a fucking key, right?

Disp: If you're going to get rude then I'm going to hang up.

Me: Ya know, after a certain point, you just gotta laugh. Bring on the tow truck.

I sit there for about a minute, mentally kicking ass all over the dispatcher and his idiot henchman. Then I think.

All right, I know who it is that drives the van during the day, I'll call him and see if he can bring me a key ('cause, otherwise, it's his ass that's out a van the next morning while it's sitting at the shop). I get his voicemail.

I call a couple of other drivers I know that are working nights to see if they are anywhere near the area and would grab the key and bring it to me. They've all taken the night because of the nasty weather.

Think. Think. Pssht. I carry a Leatherman All-In-One. It has a set of pliers on it. I whip it out and *snick*, turn the key, van starts. I'm an EFFIN GENIUS... 30 minutes later. I call dispatch to cancel the tow truck.

Me: On the dispatch radio, like a good cab driver monkey I got the van started, cancel the tow, I'm going to go ahead and grab this lady, since she's still sitting here.

Disp: What do you mean she's "still sitting here"?

Me: Apparently you forgot about he customer while all this was going on; the order is still sitting on my screen. You didn't re-dispatch the call so I'm going to go ahead and grab her, then when I get back to this side of town I'll stop and trade you keys.

Disp: You can't do that.

Me: Lord help me. Can do WHAT, exactly?

Disp: Any of that. We talked to the tow truck company, they're going to bring you a key. I told him he could talk to you about tipping him for bringing it out since you broke the key.

Me: Well, it's a good thing I'm not in need of a tow truck or a key because I'll be damned if I'm going to compensate anyone for anything. YOU can't speak for me, or my money. How about I just take care of the CUSTOMER in a WHEELCHAIR then we can discuss this, K?

Disp: But ... he's on his way here.

Me: Wow. And I would think it would be a requirement to being a dispatcher that you know how to dial a phone. Yeah, I'm making friends tonight. How about I just call them for you can let them know I don't need a tow. Or a key. That make it easier on you?

Disp: No. I can DO my JOB. And PART of my job is writing up drivers that are being abusive to the dispatchers.

Me: Dude, do what you gotta, in the meantime, I'm going to take care of the customer. Thank you for your help. OH, And when you write this up make sure to tell them about your forgetting to get the call re-dispatched. You know: the customer in the wheelchair, sitting in the rain that they're saying is coming down more in the last 24 hrs than we got most of last winter. K?

Fucker. I finally drove around the port and got the customer. 45 minutes later. Poor lady was soaked. Someone eventually pushed her outta the rain, but still, ya know?!

We had a nice chat out there since it took almost an hour to get her home, some of the roads were closed due to the rains. The moment I dropped her off and cleared the computer I got a message popped up on my screen (and everyone else's in the fleet) that said "007, are you EVER going to come get those keys?"

I put in a voice request on the radio.

Disp: 007. I was wondering if you forgot about your keys.

Me: I told you I would get them when I got back to that side of town. Is there a rule against that somewhere?

Disp: No. I just wanted to remind you. I know that sometimes you drivers ... forget things. *snort*

Just for the record: on the disp radio everyone in the fleet can hear what the disp says, but not the responses given. Imagine how this conversation would sound only hearing his end.

Me: No. I didn't forget. As you're watching me I know you can tell I JUST dropped off this lady so are you insinuating that I'm stupid?

Disp: No. Of course not. I would never call a driver stupid. On the radio. I just know that you sometimes miss things.

Me: Good thing I didn't miss that you get off at 7, just like me.

Disp: We're clear. And he stopped talking to me.

I took another call out there and as soon as I cleared I got another message on my screen about not forgetting my keys. I put in another voice request.

Disp: 007.

Me: Is this going to go on all night?

Disp: *snicker* I just didn't want you to forget.

Me: You worked last night, right? When it was real busy, had calls waiting almost all night because of the weather?

Disp: Yes, why?

Me: I made almost $500 last night. Do you even bring home that much in your entire 2 week check? Do you want to discuss who is more stupid? Stop pissing on my cornflakes. Yeah, well, I can be a petty bitch sometimes too.

Disp: ... we're clear.

Didn't get any more msgs about my keys all night.

I stayed busy most of the night so I waited until I was done and gave the key to the morning lot lizard.




12/2/07

Just have to share. Enjoy.

Your Christmas is Most Like: How the Grinch Stole Christmas

You can't really get into the Christmas spirit...
But it usually gets to you by the end of the holiday.


Are you scared yet?!

11/30/07

"Why are all those people standing there?"

Picked up this fairly young, cool couple just before Thanksgiving from a hotel downtown and heading over to Genoa (one of the best Eyetalian food joints here) for dinner. As we're tooling along we're discussing where they're from (small town in Minnesoowta [my attempt to mock "Fargo"]) and how much of a "small, big city" Portland is. (We try anyway).

Just across the river from downtown there is a homeless joint where there are about 60 folks standing in line for dinner.

She: Look at that honey! Driver? Why are all those people standing there?"

Me: Hmmmm, giving out pumpkin flavored meth again I imagine. It's that time o' the year.

He: Um, you mean "meth-amphetamine"?

Me: Yup. I look in the mirror, apparently I've scared them. Well, this IS Portland after all. Still scared. Um, I-5 corridor? More worried looks exchanging. Oooookay, I'm kidding! They're standing in line to get dinner. Those are homeless people.

She: Oh my Gawd!! You have THAT many homeless people in Portland?!

Me: That is just a tiny percentage of the homeless that reside here.

The discussion got somewhat political after that so I won't bore you. But I found this one amusing.

11/24/07

Thanksgiving 2007

Fairly uneventful. Surprisingly busy. There were only about 15 cabs out from our co. to start the night, but they petered out early so there ended up being about 8 out, me being one of them. Then it got busy. Steady almost all night, and no real stories other than this one.

I get sent to pick up a dude at a bar downtown and take him home to Beaverton 'round about 1a. He was pretty far gone into his drink when I got to him. Fortunately not ill, but he was def angry. And I didn't even realize how angry he was until about 10 minutes into the ride. He was fairly quiet most of the ride then I hear ...

He: I fucking HATE Thanksgiving.

Me: Good thing it only comes around once a year then.

He: Ya wanna know why I hate it?

Me: Uhm, sure. Whatchagot?

He: My fucking family. I hate having to spend time with my fucking family.

Me: Wow. Sorry.

He: My fucking family.

Me: ...

He: They're so damned ... greedy.

Me: ...

He: You know what I mean?

Me: Um, no.

He: Bullshit. Your family has to be the same way, they all are.

Me: I don't think they all are. Maybe it's just the way you're perceiving it.

He: Oh no. They're all greedy motherfuckers.

Me: Well, sorry.

He: Shit. You're working now because you hate your family too right? It's the only reason to be working on Thanksgiving isn't it?

Me: Well, no. Not the only reason. And no, I don't hate my family.

He: Then why are you working?

Me: 'Cuz I'm a greedy bitch. grin

He: Shit. You're lying. You hate your family. Admit it.

Me: No. I don't. And yes, I am a greedy bitch.

He: I don't believe that. If you were you'd be taking me the long way. What's the deal? Why you working? C'mon now.

Me: Honestly?

He: Of course.

Me: I don't have any family.

He: What? Really?

Me: Yup. No family, no man, no kids. I'm always the one that works on holidays so everyone else can be with their family.

He: Wow. That's sad.

Me: Doesn't seem to bother me much. ;o)

He: So, single huh?

Me: Yup.

He: So you don't have to be at home during the holidays.

Me: Yup.

He: You don't have to ... buy presents for anyone.

Me: Other than myself, nope.

He: FUCK! You don't have to celebrate birthdays? Anniversary's! No fucking Christmas presents! No fucking obligatory weddings! No God-damned birthdays! Visiting the fucking in-laws!

And he went on like this for a bit. Spewing out all his anger. If it hadn't have been so sad it might have been funny.

He: I bet you have a nice fucking car too huh?

Me: Nope. I drive a 15-yr old pick up. Uglier'n hell.

He: BullSHIT! You're lying!! You have all kinds of money for car payments and nice clothes. FUCK!! I fucking HATE Thanksgiving!!!

Me: Um, wow. We're here.

11/22/07

Happy Thanksgiving!


To those that celebrate. ;o)

11/20/07

"Do you speak English?"

I was sitting at the airport one night waiting for someone to land (we have a special place where we have to sit for this so the 'port folk can keep their eye on us to make sure we aren't trying to solicit/steal rides). Incoming people are to take the next cab, we're kept in a line and we have passes to get through the gate. Without these we cannot pick up there.

Aside: If anyone has ever wondered; to be able to pick up at the 'port here you have to be able to pass a Homeland Security background check. This is why the majority of the drivers there aren't English-as-a-first-language type of folk ... most of the English/American cab drivers have some sort of felony on their records. ASSUming the foreigners are using their own names I'm guessing they don't bring their criminal records with them here.

ANYway. Was sitting waiting on someone that it looked like wasn't going to show (about an hr late) so I was just killing time when I hear someone in a car behind me slam their car door. I look in the rearview and it's a rival cab taxi sitting behind me (their drivers are notorious for not speaking a lot of English) and someone had just gotten out of the back. A moment later there is a guy walking up to my window and knocked.

He: HEY! Do you speak English?

Me: rolling down window Hi there. For the most part yes, just don't catch me after a coupla shots of Turkey. ;o) Can I help you?

He: Do you know where the State Fair Grounds are?

Me: In Salem? O' course. Need me to give your driver directions?

He: Can you just give me a ride there?

Me: looking at the people in the booth ... no one is looking my way. Sure. Hop in.

After about 10 minutes he calms down enough to explain to me what happened. He just flew in from OK to buy a horse being shown at the 'grounds, hopped the 1st cab in line and told him where to take him. Driver says "OK" and they're off. Turns out that "OK" is the only words in English the driver knows, he's waiting for the passenger to tell him where to turn.

When the pass. figured that out he made the driver turn him around, take him back to the airport and drop him off and he refused to pay him. Paid me just over a hundred to get him there though.

If only we could get more people to do this we might not be having such a controversy over what street in Portland to name "Cesar Chavez Boulevard". And ho BOY do I have an opinion on that one.

And today's drawing:

11/17/07

"Yeah,but I'm not a nice guy"

I was sitting downtown t'other night, 'round about 4:15a at a cab stand reading a book when a guy comes walking up to my drivers' side window. He was a younger-ish black fella and he smelled bad. He seriously looked like he was homeless. Ragged clothes, shoes didn't match, ratty old jacket, etc.

He: How much would it be to go to the corner of N Albina and Killingsworth? nasty area.

Me: Depends on where near there. Roughly $10, plus or minus. I'm already thinking no cash, no dash. This guy has kind of a creepy air to him.

He: All right. He hands me a $20/bill from a huge wad o' cash he had in one of his pockets.

He walks around to the passenger side and gets in the back and we're off. I try to make conversation with him and he finally starts chatting back. He tells me he's from New York City via Cincinnatti as he got in so much trouble there that he "... had to leave."

Me: Wow. Must've been pretty serious to send you all the way across the country. grin

He: Oh. It was. no grin, still creepy.

Me: Ah. Ok. Then. What do you think of Portland? How long you been here?

He: I've been here for about 3 weeks. And I hate it. It's too quiet for me here. People ask too many questions. Creepier.

Me: I'm sorry to hear that. It'll grow on you, sometimes just takes awhile. Portland's a nice city. Hell, it's nice enough you can still have female cab drivers. grin

He: Yeah, but I'm not a nice guy.

Me: pulling up to the corner where he wants dropped off. You seem like a nice guy to me. grin So just, anywhere here?

He: after getting his change It's a good thing you said that, about me being nice. Else I probably would have just slit your throat and left you for dead.

And I swear this guy was dead-on serious.

Me: Ummmm, thank you? Have a good night.

And I got the hell outta there. I could count on one hand the times I thought I was seriously in trouble in this job and still have about 3 fingers left, and this guy just creeped me right the eff out. Apparently with reason.

11/14/07

Whatcha think?

So my latest dilemma is deciding on a name for my book ... I'm really liking the "Lady of the Night" thing but a few nights ago I was trying to figure out how to incorporate some pictures into the book and I was thinking - for the cover - of putting one of my bimbos on the hood of a cab having a Tawny Kitaen moment and naming it "Cab Driving: It Does A Body Good". 'Cuz that's a bit funny to me.

And for your viewing pleasure: yet another work envelope and the latest in a long line of "another pic drawn by me that will die unfinished because I don't like it".


All because I'm too busy and/or lazy to type up a story right now. ;o)

Toodles!

11/10/07

I KNOW I should not find this amusing ...

... but I do. I think I've mentioned once or twice that I am going straight to hell, yes?! Anyone wanna ride with ... I'll drive. ;)

I get sent to a call early this a.m. to a Convalescent Care Facility to pick up a fella and take him to his dialysis appt. Instructions say "AMS. Do not leave alone at all" AMS = Altered Mental State. (ya'll can go ahead and use that one when describing your loved ones here on out ;-)

I get there @5:04, 4 minutes late. He's not out front, as they usually are. I walk in - door's not locked, but has an afterhours box and keypad - and have to walk through the greeting room and the lunchroom to find someone; an incredibly unfriendly woman behind a desk with glass to the ceiling, as if trying to prevent a robbery.

She sees me walk up but she's working on paperwork so she ignores me. Being the optimistic bitch that I am ...

Me: Good MORNING.

She keeps working on her paperwork. No acknowledgment a'tall. Not even looking up yet.

Me: *snort* (and not a subtle one either) Or not.

She: Do you NEED something? still not looking at me.

Me: Naw. I'm just wandering around your secured facility for the hell of it.

Apparently, that got her attention 'cuz she finally looked up at me.

She: What do you want?

Me: I'm here to pick up Mr. Soandso for his dialysis appt.

She: Well, he's sitting by the front door waiting for you, did you not SEE him?

Me: Do you think I'd be up here obviously annoying the bejesus outta you if I HAD seen him?

She: just as non subtle *snort* Well he's been waiting over an hour for you to show, I know he was just there.

Me: Well, I'm only 4 minutes late and he's not there now.

She: Well, did you try his room?

Me: Not my job. You are to bring him to me ... you're responsible for him until I get him into my van. Can YOU check his room?

She painstakingly extricates herself from her chair and goes to the door to look for him. Surprise, surprise, he isn't there. She checks his room, the bathrooms, closest patient rooms. No Mr. Soanso. She goes and gets the charge nurse, they both start wandering about the facility, fairly quickly. I'm waiting in the foyer, reading the paper. One time when they were passing me the charge rn was chewing out Ms. Twitny "... I TOLD you he was not to be left alone. This is why. Just yesterday he crawled out the window because he said his wife was coming to kill him. (Married guys and future Conv Ctr candidates beware!) It took us 2 hrs to find him curled in a fetal position in the smoking area." etc.

They both walk outside to start looking in the streets. Keep in mind; it's 40 deg. out there, wind is blowing and it's been patchy rain all night, we just happened to be in a downpour. I stood in the foyer and waited. And laughed. Not because of Mr. S, but because the unfriendly bitch was getting chewed out.

A night janitor lady came out to join me in watching them walk off. We trade "ain't she a bitch" stories when her phone rings. The charge rn wants her to get in her car and drive around the neighborhood to see if she can find him.

I drive down the street and pick up to the two walking rn's (because I'm just nice like that) and we wander around for a bit, no luck so I take them back to the facility.

I drive off to the charge rn reaming the unfriendly lady a new (pick a noun). They were in the process of calling 911.

After this call I had to go pick up a fella from another conv. ctr. that I get often going to dialysis so we have a friendly rapport going and I told him the story. He had one for me:

Just the day before they had a pt of the same mental stature at their facility that "escaped" as well. No one could find him but they didn't want to call the police because they didn't need any more bad publicity (use your imagination), so what they ended up doing was sending one of the rn's home to get her bloodhound to bring him in and track the guy. (not kidding). They'd found him - or rather the DOG found him - about 4 blocks away, enjoying the sunshine and talking to some guy standing in his yard.

I can't decide whether I'm scared to get old and end up in a facility like this or if I'm excited just so I could mess with people and blame it on the nurses.

TUA: I had to talk to my supv 2 days ago when I went into base to argue basic semantics of my interpretations of their rules (you can bet I lost THAT battle ;), so while I was standing there talking to him someone at work (another driver mind you) came up and rifled my work bag (has my thomas guide, spare visa slips, pens, nothing important) and took a couple of my drawn-on envelopes; my Witch, the first one I showed ya'll (girl with pigtails) and a kinda crappy WonderWoman one.

Whaddaya gonna do with a drawn-on deposit envelope that has my name on it? Thieving bastard.

11/8/07

Random

There is one particular cab stand that most cabbies try to grab on Fri/Sat nights, it's at the corner of 2nd SW Ash, in the heart of the clubs downtown. I happened to catch it a coupla weekends ago and sitting next to me on the sidewalk were a couple of younger boys with their sign that says "Please support our beer addiction". They thought they were amusing and a few folks were giving them money.

After a few minutes apparently they weren't making enough so they had to come up with a new plan. I was listening in (I was only about 2 ft away from them) to their suggestions. While the discussion was going on one of the boys passed out on the sidewalk. One of the other guys was making fun of him and decided to start drawing on his face with a black Sharpie (Write Out Loud!).

Next thing you know they're offering the folks walking down the street the chance to draw on their friends' face for a dollar.

I left at that point.

11/6/07

Random Pictures


I'm thinking I wouldn't move into any place that had this sign. I've also marked it for my own future moving and/or pick up references. Sorry about the bad pic, but you get the idea.

11/4/07

"The problem is that even YOU don't know where you are... "

Saturday night I get sent to pick up a young feller and his friend just off N Denver and Lombard. I get to the address and there isn't an address that matches what he called in, and there isn't a 'Papa Murphy's' anywhere near there, as said on the instructions. (Which, in and of itself, is kinda odd 'cuz those things are everywhere.) Anyway, I called dispatch and got his cell phone number and called.

Me: Hey there, this is your taxi, are you still in need?

He: Yeah. It's about time, where are you? I don't see you anywhere.

Me: I'm sitting at the address you gave, that isn't really an address, but I don't see a Papa Murphy's anywhere. I take it you're walking? Often if I'm sent to an address that isn't, it's because someone is walking and calls the cab from whatever they're in front of, then after waiting another minute they decide to keep walking.

He: Yeah, actually, I am walking. It took you guys too long. But how long before you can get here?

Me: Depends on where 'here' is.

He: ... What?

Me: Where. Are. You?

He: Oh, I'm at the corner of Rosa Parks and Portland Blvd.

Me: Well, that's kind of a long road. What's the cross street? They are in the process of changing over Portland Blvd to Rosa Parks Blvd here, so the entire street has both names at each intersection.

He: I just told you. *sigh* Are you not listening to me?

Me: Look Jr my name for most young men that irritate me. You are actually looking at the signs for the same street. Just look at the sign for the street that goes the other direction. At this point I started driving down Denver as it intersects w/Ptld Blvd a few blocks down.

He: Look, I'm on the east side of Denver at Ptld Blvd slash Rosa Parks. Can you find me now?

Me: Are you on the east side of the freeway as well? Keep driving down Denver.

He: Yeah. I am. Can you find me?

Me: Depends, can you tell me what the cross street is where you are or do you wish for me to just drive down ptld Blvd until someone flags me down? I NEEED to know where you are to pick you up.

He: Look, I don't understand what the problem is here. Why can't you find us?

Me: The problem is that even YOU don't know where you are, how in the hell am I supposed to find you? I found them, I was sitting at the light right across the street watching him talk to me on his phone, at the corner of Rosa Parks/Ptld Blvd and Denver. Not east of the fwy by any means.

He: Hey, Miss. You're a cab driver right? Don't you have GPS in your cab? If you can't find me then can you send someone that is capable of doing their job?

Me: I can and will certainly call the company and send you another cab, Sir.

He: How long is that going to take? It took almost an hour for you to get here and it's a little cold out here.

Me: I've been dicking around with you on the phone for 10 minutes, you could have certainly been in my nice, warm cab and on the way home if you would have either stayed where you called the cab to or could look at the sign from the other side of the post and told me what your cross street is. But in this particular case he's trying to talk over me now I'm going to call you another cab, to the corner of Rosa Parks and Ptld Blvd, because I'm sure only a male cab driver can find you now.

He: Finally, some progress. Can you guess as to how long or are you able to do THAT?

Me: Indeed. My guess is it's going to take a helluva long time. Good bye.

You really just can't argue with drunks. :o)

TUA: I've disabled my archives so I could write the book, with any luck it'll sell/publish and I don't want people to be able to read the entire thing online, ya know? And if anyone is wondering I gotta lotta stories so there is many in the book that haven't been on here.

11/1/07

*be vewwy, vewwy quiet ...

I'm wwiting a book* Yup. Broke down and am doing it. We'll see how it goes. Will probably go a lot faster now that my Game Cube upndied on me. POS. No more Sims for me.

And on a totally unrelated note: I don't generally do meme's just ... 'cuz. But I found this one to be entertaining and educational (to me) and I see that some of you do these, so partake and enjoy. Or else. ;o)

Meme instructions:

1) Go to Wikipedia
2) In the search box, type your birth month and day but not the year.
3) List three events that happened on your birthday
4) List two important birthdays and one death
5) One holiday or observance (if any)

My Birthday: January 12

Events:
1) Rocky Mountain National Park formed (1915)
2) "Batman" the series debuted on tv (1966)
3) Led Zeppelin released their 1st album (1969)

Birthdays:
1) Jack London - author (1876)
2) Joe Frazier - boxer (1944)
3) Honorable mention: Rob Zombie - singer (1965) and Oliver Platt - actor (1960)

Death:
1) Agatha Christie - author (1976)
2) Honorable mention: Hiram Walker - distiller (1899) and Maurice Gibb - singer (2003)

Holiday/Observance:
Tanzania - Zanzibar Revolution Day

I picked things and/or people that I have/had a personal interest in for whatever reason. Well, except the holiday thing.





10/30/07

10/28/07

So I was tooling along Saturday morning ...

... still in the cab because I started reeeel late Friday (I work 7p-7a, started at 4:30a Sat a.m. :o) and my day driver (7a-7p) doesn't work Sat's so I have the cab 36 hrs Fri-Sat. It was about 9:30a and I was downtown, not doing much of anything other than laughing at the line of people 3 blocks long to get into the Grand Opening of Macy's and thinking about going home.

Dispatch offered me an account call from inner NW, off downtown. I figured "one more then I'll go home" as they're usually short. Up pops the info and turns out I'm picking up this woman from her dr's appt and taking her to Gearhart, OR. On the coast. 89 miles from where she is. Flat fee - $150. Good way to top off my morning. ;o)

I get over there and see a coupla folks milling around the office. Great. Abortion clinic. Protesters. This is not gonna be a good time.

I have to wait for a car to pull out, woman driving and the woman in the psgr seat has her hoodie pulled down over her face as the protesters are harassing her. After they get out of my way they turn to me as I'm pulling into the lot. Soon as I step out they're all over me ...

Pro1: God is going to judge you, you're facilitating murder!

Me: Lady, all I'm 'facilitating' here is a cab ride. Get off me.

I walk to the door of the clinic, which is locked, but a guy comes out wearing an orange vest (like a flagger) w/the words "patient safety escort" on his vest and asks me who it is I'm picking up. I tell him her name.

He: I'll go get her. You can come inside if you're uncomfortable out here waiting.

Me: Aw heck no, this could be a good time. I got this. Thanks though.

He: Be careful. It's a slippery slope.

He smiles at me and walks back in. I walk away from the door and the lady starts in on me again. Same basic stuff about me being judged, etc.

Me: Well, I'm guessing I'll have to deal with that when the time comes right?

She: He's judging you right now! Drive away.

Me: 'He's' judging me or YOU're judging me?

She: I am God's handmaiden and ...

Me: You are NOT. Stop that. He WILL however judge you for lying in HIS name.

She: He WILL judge you.

Me: And you think he isn't going to judge you for doing this with a ... what is she ... 6 year old? standing there?

She: She knows all about this, and thank God she does!

Me: Now see, that seems like a sin to me, you should allow this child to be a child, she is WAY to young to dealing with this kind of crap, or looking at those pictures for that matter.

She: She needs to be prepared.

Me: For WHAT? Oh wait, I know, I just read somewhere that 38% if the men that commit child abuse are religious. (I *totally* made that up. Whaddaya gonna do? Judge me? ;o)

She: How DARE you??

Me: So I take it you wouldn't get an abortion? Or help out a friend or family member that needed one? Or leave the poor cab driver alone that is just trying to do their job, right?

She: I would NEVER. I KNOW better than that.

Me: So, basically you're telling me I'm stupid for giving this woman a ride, yes?

She: If you choose to pick up this woman, right now, instead of driving away, then yes, you are stupid.

Me: Seems to me that's another strike in your book ... pride. Isn't that against His rules as well? You are SO going to hell. You might wanna just leave now and go confess your sins in church 'cuz I tell you what, your soul's in danger. Matter of fact, I can drive you there. On second thought, I think I need to get far away from you because I think you're going to be struck by lightning any moment now. Oh, wait ... your God allows you to choose to be standing here, protesting huh? Just like he allows other people the choice of whether or not they want to have an abortion, right?

She: They are KILLING their children! Doesn't that bother you?

Me: I don't worry about that NEAR as much as I worry about what people will do blindly in the name of their God or religion. Why don't you go protest in the middle east? How many children have been killed there, and all over the world, in the name of God? Maybe YOU can be the difference. Never know til you try.

She: I can see you aren't going to be reached. You're a heathen.

Me: Isn't name calling a sin as well? Wow. You're rackin' 'em up here lady. And what I am, is a cab driver. I'm doing my job.

She: And I'm doing mine.

Me: OoooOOOOoooh. You're getting paid for this are ya?

She: Well, um, not now. But I will in heaven. He has a special place waiting for me.

Me: Mm. I'll bet he does. You just keep waiting on that one. In the mean time, I'm going to do my job and help this lady out. Have a lovely day.

They brought her out in a wheel chair and stuck her in my cab and we were off to the most beautiful day I've seen at the coast in awhile. I drove down the beach for a bit and stopped to walk on the sand while I had the chance. Incredible day out there. I got back around 3p.

OK, maybe not one of my best, but I was annoyed.

10/25/07

Not one of my stories, but funny nonetheless ...

I met the 2nd coolest DTV fella not too long ago (the coolest one I ended up giving him my old PS1 for his kid). He and I were chatting and having all kinds of fun shooting the shit and trading stories: I told him about a house I rented a room in with a couple of other guys where the owner came down from Washington during the week and stayed in his room above the garage, all week long, and we hardly ever saw him. Turned out he had 4 different satellite dishes and vcr's set up to record porn all weekend long so when he came down here he would watch the porn. That's all he did. Weirdo. Anyway, DTV guy told me this one:

He: You know that bar on Powell, the small one, about 65th or so?

Me: Um, Gator's maybe.

He: Yeah, that might be it. Anyway, I had to go there one day to hook up DTV for the owner's brother. His brother is somewhat mentally handicapped and missing most of one of his hands. It's a tiny little room with a huuuuge tv, a bed, lots of dvd's - enough to cover an entire wall - and a whole lot of magazines stacked on the floor, on the nightstand, etc. As I'm looking around I realize the dvd's are all porn. Dude had enough porn to start his own store, not kidding.

As I was working I see on his nightstand a roll of paper towels and a big bottle of lotion. So I did what I had to do, as quickly as possible. As I was getting ready to leave and was explaining to him how to use the remote he put the remote under his left arm and reached up to shake my hand. There was no way I was touching that thing 'cuz it was pretty obvious where it had been so I just handed him the remote and skeedaddled on outta there.

10/18/07

Because ....

... I get 'accused' of drawing too many girls. ;o)

Aesthetically, girls are prettier. Fact o' life. Other than the obvious exceptions: Colin Farrell, Brad Pitt, Sebastian Bach ... you know. Although, they are pretty enough to *be* girls. heh

Friend of mine had this in a deck of cards. Talk about a challenge ... I dunno how many of you draw, but to try and draw two of the same picture, exactly?? Not easy.

And can I just say a serious "Thank You" to all of ya'll that read my stuff. I can't imagine I would keep writing this if people didn't keep coming back.

10/16/07

"You don't intimidate me doll."

I get sent to inner NE Ptld to pick up a young woman, she comes out of the house with 6 tall, skinny, young black men, all with braided hair, jeans to their knees, whatnot. All pretty nice guys except for one. Of course he is the one that has to sit up front with me. 3 of the guys follow us downtown in their SUV, we're on our way to VooDoo.

Christine and her boyfriend are in the back. I don't generally let people sit up front if there is less than 4 ppl in my cab so I keep stuff in the front seat to deter folks from sitting there, tonight it's a picture I'm drawing on my clipboard (picture to follow). "Sketch" (which, I'm assuming his mother didn't name him) gets in the back, then decided to crawl up to the front after we started to go so he has to move my picture. He plops down in the front seat and looks at the picture, quietly for a minute. (Best minute of the entire ride, sadly.)

Sk: 1st words out of his gold grilled mouth Well, she looks like a typical white bitch, no ass, no tits, but if she sucks dick then she's all good with me.

I just kinda look at him and talk to Christine and her boyfriend, turns out it's her birthday so I tell her h.b. and all that and Sketch has to pipe up. (Apparently he's not getting enough attention)

Sk: So you're going to give us a discount aren'tcha?

Me: Because it's her bd?

Sk: Yup. You know you are.

Me: I might have before that cocksucking comment. But now I'm thinking not.

The 2 in back laughed, he got mad.

Sk: Don't NO bitch talk to me like that.

Me: It was just a joke, like your comment was. Don't take it personally and I won't take you calling me 'bitch' personally because I'm assuming you call all females that.

Sk: I DO. I don't joke.

Me: Then maybe you should wear a shirt that says 'don't talk to me, I have no sense of humor' instead of one that has a day-glo marijuana leaf on it. he's just glaring at me. Would make sense, wouldn't it? Stop a lot of problems before they start.

Sk: You saying I don't have a sense of humor?

Me: No, you did.

Sk: processing for a few ... Pssht. Whatever.

We drive for another minute or so and cross the Morrison Bridge into downtown. We get stopped at the light on Stark and 2nd and Sketch is glaring out his window.

Sk: to guy in next car What the FUCK you staring at Mother FUCKER? then flips the guy off and starts to roll down his window.

I reach up and lock his window so he can't roll it down. That certainly made him angry after he finally figured out what was going on.

Sk: You BLOCKING me bitch?

Me: Yup.

Sk: What the FUCK!! so now he's just glaring at me. From about 6 inches away, 'cuz getting closer makes it worse. Apparently.

Me: I don't need you starting shit in my cab.

Sk: What? Maybe he started it.

Me: Oh, I doubt that.

Sk: You saying I start shit?

Me: Oh yes, you do. You are with me so why wouldn't you with him? You're an instigator. And proud of it.

Sk: That's right, I AM proud.

Me: I just look over at him and smile. We're almost there. Just calm down and you'll get a ride the last 6 blocks. If not, you are more than welcome to walk from here.

Sk: Shit. You're getting paid to give me a ride. What are you going to do?

Me: But I'm not getting paid to put up with your shit. So in case I wasn't clear enough last time, either shut the fuck up or get the fuck out. Is that in a language you can understand?

He's still glaring at me.

Christine: SKETCH! Let the lady do her job. Damn. Don't give her a hard time.

Me: looking at him glaring at me. I smile. You don't intimidate me doll. I've had a lot bigger than you in my car, and a lot more dangerous. We're here. YOU have a lovely night Sketch.

I tell Christine happy birthday again, she apologizes for Sketch again and we part ways. I look over and he's writing down my cab #. Little shit.

I went around the corner and had to breathe for a minute. That little boy scared the shit outta me, but I couldn't let *him* see that.

Anyway, here's the picture I was drawing (I kid you not, she had these t 'n a when he was looking at the pic. I know *I* see 'em.).

And yes, I know I messed up her hand, I just could not get it right so I gave up and then laminated the dang thing. Had enough.

TUA: GO ROCKIES!!!!!!!!

10/15/07

" ... all you drunken boys look alike to me."

One of the things about signing an 'independent contractor' contract w/our company is that if there is a time when your cab is down they are to provide you with a "spare" car. This usually means that all the cars that are being decommissioned at the end of the year for being too old, too ugly, too crappy running, etc are the ones we get. About 5 out of 7 times since I've started working here and get a spare car I've had it towed in for some sort of mechanical issue. Usually from the middle of nowhere.

Anyway, my car is down. Again. They had no spare cars to ... spare (heh) so I ended up taking a "wheelie van" (wheelchair van). I'm trained, I just choose to drive a sedan instead of a van. Less hassle, more cash. Wheelie vans have the same amount of seat belts as the sedans so they can be used as a regular cab in between the priority wheelchair rides.

I got sent to pick up a couple of different groups of people, one particular group of folks were this younger group of 2 girls, 1 guy going to Union Jacks (dive strip bar w/suicide girl dancers). They come out of their apt and kinda slow when they see the cab. I hop out and open the back drivers side door for them to get in. After they get settled and strapped in the guy recognized me when we got to chatting.

Guy: Hey! I remember you! You took home me and some of my friends one night. Do you remember me?

Me: Yeah? I'm sorry, but all you drunken boys look alike to me.*wink*

Girl1: Idiot. Like she's going to remember your dumb ass with all the people she picks up. Sorry. Please excuse my friend here. He's a little ... slow.

Me: A HA! Now you know why they sent the 'short bus' to pick up you guys. :o)

They thought that was one of the funnier things they'd heard in awhile.

10/10/07

"Can you at least get us to civilization?"

I dropped a lady off in outer SE Clackamas (it's out there) and there is a call in Eagle Creek (even further out) that needs to come back to outer N Ptld (about 40 miles as the crow flies). I call and get the phone number before I head out there (I'm still about 15 miles away and have to go thru the "Carver Curves") to make sure this is legit. I call, the lady at the gas station that called it in said they are still waiting and hadn't called any other cab companies. I tell her I'm about 20 out but on my way.

I get there and along w/some local kids hanging out there at the Chevron (only thing open at that hour for about 20 mins any direction) are the 3 I'm to pick up, 1 guy, 2 girls. All 20 according to them.

They get in, I ask them if they can pay up front.

Girl 1: How much is that going to be?

Me: Right at $80, plus or minus.

G1: WHAT? Man. We were thinking it was going to be about $40.

Me: Well, $40 would get you back to civilization.

Guy: Well, we got $21, how far will that get us?

Me: Into Carver, still no civilization. So, I gotta ask, you thought it would be about $40 but you only got $21? What's up with that?

Guy: Well, we were hoping the driver could help us out. Could you?

Me: As much as I hate to leave anyone hanging, there's no way in hell I'm gonna take you guys into town for 20 bucks.

G1: Well, you're going back that way anyway, right?

Me: Honestly, I'd rather dead-head all the way back, empty and not make any money than to take you guys back into town for 20 bucks. I might have if you would have said something to the dispatcher, but you just wasted about an hr of my time getting out here and back in to town, on a Saturday night at 1a. I'm angry enough to just leave you guys sitting here.

G1: Well, I'm sorry, but we're desperate.

Me: Then you should have been honest instead of trying to screw me, or any other cab driver out of time and money. Now get out so I can head back to town.

G1: Wait, wait wait. Can you at least get us to civilization for $20?

Me: I could, but there is nothing open there, I just came thru so I know. At least here you have someplace that's open so you can hang out until the buses start running in the a.m. So no, I'm not going to take you there and leave you in the open like that.

Guy: All right, hey, we're sorry we did this, do you think you could get us near to Ptld for $40?

The girls start bitching about him holding out on them.

Me: HEY! Bitch at him later. If you got $40, cash, on you right now and pass it up, I'll give you a ride into Ptld.

They pass it up and we get going. I take them to the Winco on 82nd and Causey (only thing open on that corner of town) and give them back $5 so they have bus fare in the morning.

10/7/07

Once upon a time there was this cab driver ...

I used to work w/this guy at Brand X, he started about the same time I did but worked days for about 1.5 yrs then moved to nights when I met him. He didn't become my drinking buddy until a few months ago when I got rid of my ex and we've been amusing each other, platonically, since then. I agree with him that he has no taste in women and will let anyone go down on him and he agrees I have no taste in men and have a big ass. Hrm. What friends are for I guess. :o)

Anyway, a little while back I was sitting at a hotel cab stand early one a.m. and I see ol' Sparky* walking outta the hotel w/this older, quite unattractive lady hanging all over him. They get in his cab and take off with a quickness. I don't think much of it 'cuz he is a cabbie and I have to admit to having a few older ladies hanging off me as well. Nature of the biz sometimes.

I head to base later that day to pay my lease and run into the guy that drives his car during the day. We get to chatting and he asks me if I'd heard about Sparky.

Me: What happened? He ok??

Day Guy: Oh yeah, he's fine. But didja hear what he did last night?

Me: Nope. I saw him this mornin' though, he looked fine. A little rushed, but fine.

DG: Where?

Me: Coming outta the hotel, had some older lady with him.

DG: OMG. It IS true then. HAAAA!

Me: So, what's the story?

DG: That lady he was with was a lady that I picked up yesterday during the day and hauled her to several different places then handed her off to Sparky so he could take her around. Apparently they hit it off pretty well, she asked him to stay the night with her, in her hotel, on the meter(!). I guess the reason they had to rush off this morning was that they had been so busy that she was late for her plane. They missed it so they ended up back at the hotel, that's where they are now.

Me: Re-hEEEEly. Wow. She's kinda ... unattractive.

DG: I know. She kinda scared me.

So I went in the office and was paying my lease and chatting up the ofc mgr and turns how that her n' Sparky had a brief fling a few years back.

OM: Oh yeah. He and I fucked a few times, he's fun to drink with but just be careful 'cuz he'll fuck anything when he gets drunk. (This woman has a mouth that rivals mine, and I *am* a cab driver)

Me: I gathered. You should see this woman he ended up with last night, she looks just like Cruella DeVille Not all that appealing.

OM: Yeah, but I bet she's lovin' every minute of what's going on up there in the hotel. Sparky whinnies when he walks.

Took me a second on that one but I laughed my ass off for a few ... well, haven't actually stopped yet.

The next week I was back in the ofc paying my lease with a coupla the other fellas chatting and in walks Sparky. I still hadn't met/talked to the guy but as tact is not my strong point I just gotta say something. One of the fellas says something to Sparky about his extracurricular activities at the hotel last Friday.

Me: Oh yeah, I heard about that. Was it worth it?

He just nodded.

Me: I saw you guys walking outta the hotel that morning. You sure do like 'em ... mature, dontcha?

He just looks at me for a moment.

Me: But hell, I'm guessing whatever she paid you was worth it 'cuz rumor has it you have a certain "horse-like" quality that all women enjoy in a man.

He blushed. I giggled. We've been friends since.

I still haven't stopped giving him grief about that old lady. Or any of the other one's I've met since then.

*Name has been changed to protect the guilty.

10/3/07

More Random Shorts ( #3 )

1) Got sent to Delta Air Cargo on Airport Way to pickup a lady and her dog and take them to the airport (all of 1/2 mile down the road). Really nice, calm lady and this ... hairless dog/thing in a crate. The dog was up front w/me and the lady in the back. Turns out her van broke down there at the Air Cargo where she was picking up the dog and heading out w/said dog to some dog show somewhere.

The short while she was talking the dog was just sitting in his crate shaking. poor little fella didn't have any hair on him so I thought he was cold. I reached over to try and calm the dog while talking to him and the lady just SCREECHED at me "Don't you TOUCH him!!" Scared the hell outta me. Scared the poor dog as well. I figured that the dog wasn't shaking because he was cold, it was because he was neurotic.

2) Got sent to pick up this young lady from the Moose Hall where she was attending a dance. She is handicapped from a car accident, using a cane, I have to "assist". I get to the Hall, there are hundreds of people there, I finally track her down and help her to the car. She's fairly drunk, not so much in the way of talking or helping with directions. She's back there kinda singing to herself, fairly quietly, then not. At the point where it's somewhat quiet in the car I hear ... something.

Me: Do you hear something? I turn the radio all the way down.

She: Huh?

Me: Do you hear that? I hear someone ... talking. Do you have a cell phone?

She: No, I don't own one.

Me: OK. I don't hear it any longer.

We're tooling along and I hear it again.

Me: I know I hear something. Do you?

She: She reaches up and pulls her headset off, What's that?

Me: Ah. That explains it, you're wearing a headset. I'm hearing your music.

She: Actually, I record Smallville and am listening to it now.

Me: ... Uuuuhhhok.

She puts her headset back on and turns on her cassette player. We're tooling along and then I hear her starting to speak the words to her recording. I now know more about Lex and Lois then I ever wanted to.

3) Picked up this older, drunken gent from a smaller bar in the skirts one night, dude looks like a skinnier version of Jerry Garcia, stringy gray hair, unkempt, you know, and he has a really deep voice, not really a sounds-like-satan creepy, but oddly deep. I know I'd heard it before, just couldn't figure it out. Finally comes to me when dude says he wants to "... go home and eat some biscuits. Mmmhmm." Dude sounds just like Billy Bob from "Sling Blade". I laughed every time he says something the rest of the ride.

4) Sitting at a red light downtown one night, people walking across the street in front of me when a group of drunken young boys walk by:

DB: Hey hey HEY!! When did cab drivers start looking like you baby?

Me: Yesterday. It's a new law passed by the city. I drove off to their laughter.

5) Driving along behind a Washington County Cop t'other night I see a little sticker on the bumper while sitting at a light "Nationally accredited since 2004". Hm. That one got me wondering.

6) Drove by a vacuum shop t'other night and their advertisement said "Our Vacuum's have Serious Suckage". Made me smile.

10/2/07

"Hi there. Are you Anne?"

I got sent to Tuality ER in Hillsboro late one night to pick up a young lady going to Milwaukie. That's a good 1/2 hr run driving fast so I was gonna be with her for awhile. I get to the ER and have to go inside to get her. I see a couple of people sitting in the waiting room, mostly coupled up and one youngish lady off to herself watching tv. I walked up to the lady ...

Me: Hi there. Are you Anne?

She: Yes. Hi. she stands up and starts to gather her things My name is actually Anna. Ann-UH. But that's ok. Anne works too because if you were to pronounce my name as I was actually named like my Grandmother it's AWWW-na, not Anna or even Anne. But on the Welsh side of my family it's pronounced Awwwna, because that's what my grandmother was, Welsh. I was named after her because she was my dad's mother and he was always meaner than my mom and her mom - my other grandmother - was named Mabel and my dad didn't want to have a daughter named Mabel so I got Awwwna. Are you my cab driver? I've never seen a woman cab driver before. I've had lots of cab drivers because I get sick a lot and I always have to take a cab home. Well, at least it's a free ride and I'm a long ways from home out here. I was out here for the flea market and I had taken the MAX but when I was ready to go home someone lit up a cigarette, even thought it's against the law to smoke at the MAX stops now but he wouldn't put it out. Even when I asked him, politely, and told him that I have asthma he just kept smoking and smoking and smoking and I kept telling him how bad smoking was for him and for me. You don't smoke do you? Because I know that sometimes cab drivers smoke even though it's illegal for you guys to smoke in your car and ...

The whole time she's rattling this off I'm just standing there, staring. I know my jaw had to have dropped and I was seriously considering running away at that moment. I mean, can you imagine 1/2 an hour with this woman? Well, whatever you can imagine, it was much, MUCH worse.

10/1/07

"GAH!! LET ME OUTTA HERE!!"

I picked up this group of drunken younger fellas heading out to a bachelor party and - as they do - the loudest, funniest of the group sat up front with me.

Me: Hey fellas. So who's the lucky guy?

Guy In Front: It's me!! I'm getting married in the morning so I totally have to see all the naked women I can tonight before I can never, ever look at another naked woman again.

Me: You mean, other than your future wife, right?

GIF: You're funny. HeeeEEeeeyyy, do you think you might be willing ...

Me: Nope.

GIF: Whaddaya mean?

Me: WhatEVER it was you were about to propose the answer is no. So don't ask. Don't even think it. Concentrate on your lovely wife-to-be and how happy she is going to be that you're out here checking out what you'll never get again.

GIF: Oh, and she sure is happy about this party, lemme tell ya.

Me: She didn't want you to go tonight, izzat what you're saying?

GIF: Gawd, you have no idea how angry this made her. But I'm going anyway 'cuz I'm not going to let no woman ruin my time with my boys.

I hear the typical "Bros before Ho's" comments from the backseat.

When we get to the strip joint (Union Jacks) one of the fellas in the back seat is digging money out of his pocket to pay me and GIF is trying to drunkenly open the door to get out.

GIF: Hey, what's the deal here? Why can't I get out. Oh, I get it, you want to keep me hostage in here so you can do all kinds of nasty things to me all night long, huh?

Me: Actually, your wife-to-be paid me to not let you out of the cab.

GIF: GAH!! LET ME OUTTA HERE!!!"

He throws a big enough fit that one of his friends opens the door and lets him out. He practically fell out on the ground, rights himself and just stares at me as if I was sent by Satan.

Friend: Dude! You were kinda freakin' out in there. What happened?

GIF: I think she knows Katie. Holy Shit!!

9/27/07

So withOUT giving a personal opinion ...

I'm going to bring up the homeless.

Don't get me wrong here as I have a *definate* opinion on homelessness (and if you have been to or live in here in Ptld, we have some "homelessness issues") but this is just going to be some of my recent run-ins:

1) We have groups of ppl that go to where the homeless are and feed them. Take them whatever they need - food, clothing, bedding, etc. There is one such group that feeds dinner to a bunch of folks just a few blocks from where I work. I drive by and see the ppl that are feeding the homeless picking up the garbage that the feed-ees are just throwing on the ground, even though there are garbage cans provided for them.

2) There are always ppl hanging on the corners near the freeway entrances begging. Often it's the same ppl, same spot, every day. I believe they 'stake their claim' on a specific corner. I see the same guy out there, day and night, daily, no matter the weather with his sign, hunched over looking pathetic. I've been up close to this fella, often. One day I see him in the local Fred's with a bag o' change for the CoinStar machine with a lady that is often a few blocks down at the next ramp. They are laughing and joking and talking about their "haul" for the day. Hoping they made enough to pay the truck payment this month. He wasn't hunched over a'tall and had on more expensive Nike's than what I wear and/or can afford.

3) I was walking into Powells one evening and got hit up for some change from a fairly young lady sitting in front with her friend that has his guitar. I tell her I don't have any small change but the bar right around the corner is hiring for a dishwasher and sign in the window has today's date on it. She started cussing me out because I wouldn't just give her some larger bills.

4) On any given night you can see various young people around town holding signs that say some derivative of "spare any change for beer". Personal favorites so far: ' Alcoholic in Training, need money for school' and 'betcha can't hit me w/a quarter'.

5) Sitting at the corner waiting on the light to get to the freeway one night we (both lanes) had to wait on this hunched over, sad looking fella walking across the fwy entrance to stand on a corner where there was already another not-as-sad-looking fella standing. The 1st fella got angry. Started cussin' and whatnot and decided to go to the off-ramp instead of the on-ramp where they were both currently standing. But he was really agitated. Kept pacing back to yell some more. Finally they ended up in a fist fight over the corner. Neither of them looked too sad then.

9/25/07

"Dude, you've got a better batting average than A Rod right now!

I picked up this one fella about 5 times in a 2 week period. He lives on the west side, near Cornell and 185th, I don't generally go over to that side of town unless it's dead slow the other side of the river. His name is Peter. Nice enough guy, but drunker'n hell every time I picked him up. I remembered him after the first time, it took him until the 3rd to start hitting on me.

He: Hey hey! How you doin' baby?! Man am I glad to see YOU! You gonna take me up on that offer to go to dinner sometime soon?

Me: Naw. But I do appreciate the offer.

He: Come on now, I'm serious. I really want to see you away from the cab.

Me: I get that, but no, thank you anyway. Besides, you won't remember me when you sober up.

He: WHAT? What makes you think that? I'm not that drunk. Well, maybe I am tonight, but I don't drink that much the rest of the time.

Me: Peter. Come on now, lie to your mother, lie to your wife, but never lie to your cab driver. You're telling me you only drink on the nights you think I might be picking you up?

He: Well, yeah. I don't drink that much.

Me: Everytime I've picked you up. That makes about 5X in 2 wks now.

He: Nunh uh .. well, really?? That many?

Me: Yup. Dude, you've got a better batting avg than A Rod right now! And he's kicking some ass.

He: Awwww, come on now cutie. I ... um ... who?

Me: Alex Rodriguez? Used to play for Texas and Seattle now with the Yankees. Oh man, I tell ya, that's the clincher. I couldn't go out with a guy that didn't like baseball.

He: Well shit. I tell ya what, since I can't have you, why don't you take me to Dotty's down the street and I'll see if I can catch last call and do a little gambling.

Me: Ahhhh, the consolation prize.

9/21/07

Of all the asinine ... governmental ... GAH!

I don't know why this one bothers me so much, and I've put a solid 2 1/2 minutes of serious thought into it, but it does.

Get sent to pick up a lady out in Gresham going to Wilsonville. Account call so the instructions say "escort in and out, blind" Good 1/2 hr ride so we have plenty of time to talk. She's really nice and funny and very, very chatty. I'm fine with that, I can sit back and listen every once in awhile.

So she's back there rattling on about something and I've kind of tuned her out as she's talking about her Uncle being out of town on biz for an extended trip and he called her today to speak to her for almost 2 hrs trying to get her in the middle of why her Aunt (his wife) won't come down and visit with him. I perk up when I hear her mention that he says he won't be back in time to use her license to go shoot a deer.

Me: Wait ... did I hear that right? You have a hunting license? I must have mis-read the screen, it says you're blind.

She: Oh no, you got it right. I have a hunting license every year. Usually my uncle goes and shoots a deer for me every year but he's going to be out of town this year, as I was just saying.

Me: Ummm, I don't mean to be offensive, but the government issues hunting licenses to blind people?

She: Oh, don't worry, it's not offensive. Yeah, they started doing that in '98 I think. I love it. It's the best way to shoot a deer.

Me: I'm stuck on this one, one more question ... I can see w/the handicapped laws and whatnot how it would be considered discrimination to not issue a license to someone that is handicapped in some form, but ... I'm sorry ... you're blind. I'd like to hope that someone that was blind wouldn't be off shooting ANYthing before they started issuing the licenses and ... Ah hell. I just don't get it I guess.

She: You know, a lot of people seem to have a problem with this. They just don't understand.

And she's right, I just don't get it.

9/19/07

"You all right down there?"

This last January I was still driving for Brand X and sitting at the train station 'round about 3a waiting on a very late train to arrive.

I was sitting in the car of this other driver while we were waiting and we both ended up getting runs out to Hillsboro. Mine went to dntn Hills and his went just one exit on the fwy closer to town than mine. We both cleared at about the same time so I called him and forced him to thank me for making him wait at the train, since he usually doesn't, but at that time o' the night it's not like folks can take the bus home.

So we're driving along, laughing and joking ...

He: All right ... all RIGHT. Yes, you were right. Ya happy now?!

Me: Heh heh. I TOLD you that ... at this ... oh SHIIIIIIIITTT!

I hit a patch of black ice on the on ramp to the freeway. Fortunately I was only going about 20 mph, but I still did a complete 180 and ended up in the ditch about 50 yds further down the ramp. I still had him on the phone and he's yelling at me since I completely shut up after that above. I finally stop sliding and just sit there for a bit and finally start talking to him again.

Me: Oh wow. Dude. I'm in a ditch. Holy shit! Black ice. NOT fun.

He: Are you all right?

Me: Umm, yeah. I spilled my fresh Mtn. Dew all over myself though. Think Gawd is trying to tell me something about my addiction?

He: Are you sure you're all right? I'm on my way as soon as I find a place to turn around.

Me: Ummm, Dave? You're gonna hafta call base for me, my radio is out. Car's dead. while I'm getting out of the car Oh wow ... this ditch is deeper than my car!! My eyes are about level with the road from here. Whoa.

He called disp on the radio, they called the Wash Cty Sheriff and a tow truck. Dave is on his way back to where I am, he's about 15 mins away, give or take.

Me: Hey, I'll see you in a bit, the Sheriff just pulled up. Hey there Officer. trying to act all calm while I'm standing in mud 1/2 way up my shins in a ditch and it's about 20 degrees out.

Ofcr: shining his flashlight on me and my car. Are you all right?

Me: Well, physically I believe I'm fine.

Ofcr: Did you call your dispatcher on your radio?

Me: Sort of.

Ofcr: So, someone is on the way?

Me: Yeah. But I'm a little cold down here in the muddy ditch and it's gonna take about 15 minutes for the closest person to get here.

Ofcr: Well, if you're all right and someone is on the way I'm gonna go. And he left.

Me: *

He LEFT ME THERE!! A woman, alone, at 4 am, by myself, stuck in an effing ditch. BASTARD!!!

Dave showed about 10 mins after that. I sat in his car and waited the 45 minutes for the tow truck. Tow Dude finally got the car outta the ditch and the poor thing was covered in mud and grasses. Looked really pathetic. Didn't really bust anything other than one light on the tail end though, but we couldn't get it started. So it got towed to Beaverton, I caught a ride back to base with Dave and that was that. I sent my X to the tow lot to check out the cab the next day and see about getting it towed to my shop guy to get it fixed. Turns out the Crown Vic has a safety switch that if the back end is hit the gas shuts off so the car dies and doesn't blow up. If I'da known that I could've driven it home the night before. Sheesh.

9/16/07

Do ya wanna know why ...

Fresno State lost so badly today?!!

Ask the cab driver that shuttled the hookers to their rooms at the hotel all night. And did the beer run at 2:15a. And did the rolling paper run at 4:30a.

*snort*

I think a percentage is owed to a certain cabbie by a certain local football team.

9/15/07

I'm hoping by sharing I can get this one outta my memories ...

I picked up this nice couple just across the Broadway Bridge from downtown, going to the Paramount Hotel. They were asking questions about the lights atop our cars (we don't turn ours off if we're occupied, it's a safety issue) at the light where we stopped at Broadway and Burnside and a large black woman came walking up and opened the back door where the fella was sitting. She didn't realize there was someone in the cab so she apologized and closed the door.

I got them to their hotel quickly and drove off up towards Vaseline Alley (buncha gay clubs in a row), didn't find anyone and kept driving. I wandered around for a little bit, ended up back on Broadway at Pioneer Square and stopped at the light and get hailed by someone at the Square. I look over and it's that same black lady, but this time she has this drunk cowboy with her. They get in the cab, her first (she has to fight to get in, she's pretty large) and he just kinda falls in next to her. I notice (read: am ASSAULTED by) her body odor. NOT pleasant. I roll down the windows a bit further. All of them.

Me: Hey there. Where we off to tonight?

She: Home. Well, his home.

Me: looking at him Where we off to?

He: My house.

Me: ... which is ...?

He: Where I live.

Me: Ah. That's helpful. Thank you. What's the address?

He: Um, just go forward.

Me: Yeah, to where?

He: Go forward. I'll tell you where to turn.

Me: How about you just give me your address and I'll get you there?

He: OK.

Me: ... OK ... what? What is your address?

He: Go forward.

Me: NooooOOOOooo, I'm sorry, that isn't how this works. I need your address first. What is it?

The time I've spent talking to him she's just sitting back there listening and rubbing his neck. He's reee-heeely drunk. Swaying in the seat and whatnot.

He: Uhhhmmmm, you know where Multnomah Village is?

Me: Yes.

He: I live near there.

Me: Hokay, where near there?

He: Off ... ummm ... 45th.

Me: Ok, so I get you to 45th and Multnomah you can get me the rest of the way right?

He: Of course. I'm not STUPID you know. I KNOW where I live.

Me: Ah. Silly me. OK.

So we head off down Broadway to the I5 south exit. Tooling along, she's rubbing his neck a bit and talking to him.

She: Oh baby, you're going to be so happy tonight. I'm going to make you happy. I'm gonna love you the right way. (he's just sitting there with his head on her shoulder, burping rhythmically) I'm gonna make you soooo happy you met me at the Square a little bit ago. And all that money you're going to give me is going to make Momma happy. Mmmmm baby, you smell me?! All that for you baby. SMELL it ... That's ALL for you honey ... Momma's got some honey for her honey.

And while she's doing this she's scooting down in the seat so she can spread her legs a bit wider and let him smell her.

She: Hey baby, to me you think you could scoot this seat up a bit more so my man can smell what I got for him?

Me: Uhhhhmmm, no. I honestly don't think he can smell anything right now. He looks pretty drunk. How 'bout you wait 'til we get there to take care of that.

We get up to 45th and Multnomah, after some serious shaking he finally wakes up, gives me directions and we get to his home. He stumbles out after paying me and she's asking him to come around and help her out of the car. He wanders around and helps her out of the car, closes the door of the cab and starts asking her who she is and why she was getting out at his house. I got outta there.

9/13/07

"Aw c'mon ... lemme have your phone number"

Was tooling out SE Stark a few nights ago and got stopped at a light next to a fairly young lad of about 22 or so in his little low-riding, hot-rod Acura. I wouldn't even have noticed except that he was revving his engine like "they" do. He keeps it up until I finally look over and he's staring at me. I just flash him a peace sign and go with the light. He paces me for a bit until we get stuck at the next light together.

He: Hey. HEY!!

Me: Hi there. Wassup?

He: Can I get your number?

Me: It's plastered all over the car, I can wait here while you write it down. *grin*

He: No, no no no. I want YOUR number. One to call you directly.

Me: Oddly enough, I get this often. Ah, sorry. I can't take personal calls. If you need a cab call the number on the side of the car.

He: I don't want a CAB, I want you. Lemme have your number.

Me: You can't have me. And no.

He: Aw, c'mon ... lemme have your phone number.

Me: Sorry. I'm workin' here.

He: How about you just suck my dick then, bitch?!

Me: As much fun as THAT sounds, I'm gonna pass.

And I took an immediate left in the middle of the road, he kept going straight.

About 2 minutes later a msg comes across my 'puter screen telling me that someone just called in and complained about my driving and "something that was said". WHAT??? Little ... punk ... sonofa ... Arghhh!! "you need to come in the ofc on Monday and speak to the supv"

So I did. And of course it doesn't matter what I said, I was still in the wrong because someone had to call and complain. Pssht. I've heard it said that we are "targets" because of the numbers on the car, but I never thought I would be one. Man, once we start getting in trouble for not sucking someone's dick the whole cab driving world is going to change. ;o)

9/11/07

Yet another "not a cab story" ...

I have new managers at my complex. I've been here for 8 yrs and seen about that many mgr's stroll thru (I've actually been here the longest of all tenants). As long as you fly under the radar life is fine here ... until now. Working nights I hardly ever have to deal w/these people, but I will still take offense if I feel someone is encroaching on my basic it's-my-apt-so-what-I-do-is-my-biz attitude.

We now have to let the complex know if anyone will be "visiting" more than 3 days out of the month. If they do, then they have to come and "check in" w/the complex manager. I'm thinking that is none of their business. Kinda angered me, truth to tell. I went in the other day to argue about them putting a sticker on my truck window ("... accidentally. We don't know who did it. All we can say is sorry, that will have to be good enough." As we've been getting grief for not parking in our own spots - numbered. Whole other story there.)

ANYway ... this BITCH in there says to me "Oh, by the way, we've noticed you've had the same visitor more than 3 times this month."

Me: ... is that REALLY any of your business?

She: Well, I don't know what the previous manager may have let you do (her response to everything) but it's now policy to ... etc.

Me: So, you think it's now your business what I do in MY apartment, and with whom?

She: " ... with WHOM??" *snort* Yes, according to policy it is now my business with whom you spend your time, in your apartment.

Me: just 'cuz she pissed me off Well, the one you've been seeing in the last couple of weeks is the guy that I've been paying to come over and service me. As I plan on having one every couple of days - as I can afford them - do you want me to have them ALL come check in with you? I think the escort company might charge me extra for that, damn it.

She: just stares at me for a moment Ummm, by 'visit' we mean if they sleep over. Ummmm...

Me: Trust me, there is no sleep involved. Do you need a video to prove that?

She: Ummmm, never mind.

Me: 'cuz I just don't let go no matter how smart it is By 'never mind' you mean that you don't want them to check in w/you and give a report on what, how and why they do what they do or 'never mind' as in it's ok for me to have as many guys as I want in my apt, if they're not "sleeping" as long as I pick a different one every time? 'Cuz I tell ya, there is this one guy ... well, 'never mind'.

She: This conversation is OVER!

Lookin' like I'll be moving soon.

"We play for the Beavers"

I got sent to the Teardrop Lounge at 10th and NW Everett to pick up 3 fairly young, good looking fellas. I call the phone # left and get no answer so as I'm heading off they came walking out and got in the cab. They haven't decided where to go yet but decide on Aura.

Beav1: We could just walk there.

Beav2: Where is it?

Beav3: Is there pussy there?

Me: *snort* It's 5 blocks that way.

B2: Well, we sent for this nice lady so lets have her drive us there.

Me: OK.

We get stopped at the light on the corner of 10th, which happens to be a 1 way going the wrong way.

B3: Can't you just turn right here?

Me: Nope. It's a 1 way. Going the wrong way.

B2: You would if you were cool.

Me: Ah, but you wanna be in one piece for all the girls when you get there, right?

B1: Yeah, true.

Me: Although, chicks dig bandages. War wounds and all that ya know.

B3: Oh YEAH! Dudes, one night I got beaned by the ball on my helmet and it hit so hard it cut my cheek. I had chicks all over me for weeks. I told them I was a boxer.

Me: Oh my gawd, what do you guys do?

B1: We play for the Beavers.

Me: Ah. That explains it.

B2: Explains what?

Me: *snort* nothing.

B2: C'mon. Explains what?

Me: Explains your friend there.

B3: You mean me talking about pussy? I'm sorry about that.

Me: No, you aren't. But I understand. I've hauled quite a few of you fellas around and you all pretty much talk the same after being in Ptld for about 2 wks.

B3: You got so much good looking pu ... women here.

Me: That's what I've heard. That'll be 6 bucks fellas.

B1: hands me a $20 and leans his hands on my window. Can you just give me ... 15 back? We'll call it good.

Me: Aw honey, patting his hand, I know if it isn't RBI's, sac flies or ERA then it doesn't really matter, but sorry, no. I will however give you 14 back since that's the correct change from 20.

B1: Oh gawd, you're right. I'm sorry. Hey, just give me 10 back and we'll call it even. And can I have your number? I like you.

9/7/07

More random shorts (2)

*** 1) I got sent to Skidmore and MLK to pick up a young couple, instructions say "Call when out front". I have no patience for that kinda stuff so I generally call when I'm around the corner. They came out the front door when I pulled up (smart, huh?!) and as they are getting in his cell phone is ringing from me calling, the fella says they're going to about 60th and Killingsworth and wondering if I could tell him about how much it is going to be. He ignored the phone while we were talking so it kept ringing it's cheesy, standard polyphonic ringtone.

Me: Well, it's going to be about 12 bucks, give or take, but I'll take 2 dollars off the bill if you'll buy a ringtone for that phone 'cuz, Damn.

Me: when we get there That'll be 14 bucks.

He: You gonna give me that $2 off?

Me: You gonna buy that ringtone?

He: Uhhhh, yeah.

Me: Uhhhh, yeah then. That'll be $14 bucks.


*** 2) Picked up 2 girls and a guy at about 2:20a Sat night and they're talking about where they're going (Nob Hill area) and what they want to eat. One of the girls looks at my cab license and starts squealing because her name is the same as mine. (Whoop. 2nd most popular name the year I was born) Do I spell it with 1 L or 2? (Look at the license babe.)

They're still deciding where to eat and I'm throwing out everything other than Taco Hell 'cuz I HATE (hate, hate) going thru Hell anytime 'twixt 2 and 3. I sit there behind 15-20 cars and wait. And wait. And wait. And listen to drunks squeal and yell at other cars and each other, and it's just plain annoying because my wait time while in line is nothing compared to 10 short fares I could be having.

Next question from Jr.Cabbie back there is 'can I be your best friend for the night 'cuz our names are the same?'

Me: Only if you DON'T go thru Taco Bell.

They ended up going to the Pharmacy on 23rd.

*** 3) Picked up an unattractive young man about 21st and W Burnside and he's going to about 17th se Madison. "... but let me make a call and make sure of the address. You can go ahead and head that way. Hey, it's me to person on phone What's your address? Yeah, but what's it near? A what store? What else is near there? Can you hear me? It's loud there, what's it NEAR?"

Me: Just get me an exact address. I'm a professional, I'll figure it out.

He: What's the exact address. All right, we'll be there in ... looks at me, I hold up 7 fingers 7 minutes. You sure this is going to be all right? Won't your folks get mad? *whispering* I really want to see you too, you know that. We'll be there real soon. I promise. If I have to get out and walk I'll be there as quick as possible.

Me: *snort* Dude, you have GOT to be trying to get laid.

He: A little, yeah.

Me: How do you get "a little" bit laid? That like a hand job and a kiss good night? Definition please.

He: Honestly, I just need a place to stay tonight.

Me: And so you're gonna go give it up to some girl in her folks place so you can have a place to sleep? Wow. That sacrifice there is definately gonna get you thru the Pearly Gates.

*** 4) Picked up a hairy fella (think Robin Williams) going from Broadway and Morrison to the top of Slaven Rd, as we're driving up the twists and turns he's talking (among other things) about how American's blame the Jews (of which he is) for Bin Laden. He's really pontificating. When he asks me about what I thought of it:

Me: Um, you sure live a ways up here. 'cuz really, I wasn't listening to what he was saying and wouldn't talk about it anyway.

He: I live close to my mosque, it makes my mom happy.

Me: DUDE!! I saw you on Sex and the City huh?!! :o) he looks at me blankly You know, older Jewish boy living alone to make his mommy happy?! C'mon now, you had to have seen it.

He was not amused. But he did admit to knowing what I was speaking of.


9/6/07

Well, since I lost ALL my male readers w/that last one ...


I was having a particularly amusing night tonight all because of this comm'l I saw before I left the house this evening, I almost fell outta my chair when I saw it ... stories to follow

9/5/07

"Can you call the co. to get her a cab?"

I got sent to a nasty little area of town (135th SE Powell) to pick up this little old lady and her puppy dog, name of Rudy. A cute little weenie dog that's crying a bit in his basket. Poor little feller. She doesn't know what's wrong with him but he's been like this for a coupla hours, not really complaining, just crying. We put Rudy and his basket up front with me. When he started crying I kept rubbing his head and talking to him, he was licking my hand and put his little head on my hand and cried. I almost did too.

She was telling me that she got him from a shelter, he had been abused by the lady that had him before. She had kicked him down the stairs, broke his back and all this other nasty stuff, little Rudy has this big ol' scar running down his back, one of his ears is almost completely gone, etc. The courts made the 1st lady pay for Rudy's back surgery and he was better, but would never be completely well.

While we were driving to the vet Rudy was getting a bit anxious (doesn't like car rides) so by the time we got to the vet he wouldn't stay in his basket. She couldn't lift him at all so I just took him out of the basket and carried him in there while we waited for the vet to come out of the back. He calmed quite a bit with me. Kept licking my hands and looking up at me with his sad little eyes while the vet was touching and checking him out. He finally took Rudy from me and took him in back, Ms. L had to fill out paperwork so I gave the lady behind the counter my cell phone number and asked her to call me when they were ready to go, I'd come back and get them.

I wander around and get a couple more fares and the next person that gets in found some keys on the back seat, they have Ms. L's name on them. After I drop them I head back to the vet's to drop off her keys and check on Rudy. I got there, the girl behind the counter remembers me and tells me that Ms. L will be ready to leave in a bit.

Me: No problem, I can wait if it won't be too long. How's Rudy?

She: Doesn't look like he's going to make it.

Me: ... What? Why?

She: I'm not exactly sure, but the vet was just out here saying that they were discussing what to do about him and the pain. Apparently Ms. L is quite upset.

Me: ... Ya know what? I'm sorry, I don't think I can take her home. Can you call the company to get her a cab? Here's money for her trip home. Thanks.

I came home and bawled. Then typed this.

9/4/07

Well now ya done did it Kapgar!



Kev gave me my own little award - well, I'm sharing it with others, but ... you know. :o)

I'm always happy to know that these odd little life stories of mine make people smile, or think, or annoyed, or whatever it takes to bring them back. I started this just because I needed some sort of 'outlet' for all this crap that happens to/with/because of me. (And have no doubts, I'm fully aware that most of this wouldn't happen if I didn't have such a smart-assed mouth :o) I am constantly amazed that people keep coming back because honestly, I don't find myself - or my stories - all that amusing. Well, no. I do find myself amusing, but as to these things I write here, since I've lived them ... just not so funny I guess. Folks sure do like 'em though. :o)

Thank you Kev, and to all the rest of you that keep coming back and especially to those that leave comments 'cuz I tell ya, most of my stories don't make me laugh, but the comments crack me up!

So on to those that make ME smile. I have a few that make me laugh, a few that make me think, and a few that provoke other thoughts and/or feelings. Hmmmm .......

1) Dave at Blogography. Dave was my first blog crush, as I think he has been for many people, and meeting Dave cements him in your mind and heart. He never fails to make me smile as even his rants/raves are amusing. Dave is always the one I go to when I need a little cab story pick me up; he always has something nice to say about my stories and/or writing.

2) Danny at Dad Gone Mad. I know he doesn't (well, I can't imagine he does) read my blog, and I'm not a parent so the 'Mommy Blog' thing doesn't appeal to me, but this guy can tell a story. Funny stuff almost every post. And by Gawd, that man loves his children. It's adorable. Almost makes me wanna go get some of my own.

3) Crystal at Boobs, Injuries and Dr Pepper. Yet another 'Mommy Blogger' I can't imagine reads my blog, but I love reading her. She is most likely the reason why I don't go get 'some of my own'. I would be this kind of mother - well, with a filthier mouth, of course - and I truly believe I would make my children's lives a living hell. I imagine growing up in her home would liken to being a child of Stephen King; cooler than shit to say is your parent but not looking forward to the bedtime stories.

4) Jen at RunJenRun. I met Jen when I met Dave at TequilaCon '07. Jenny is not only funny, but a genuinely nice person. If you can get past Rabbit that dances, reads, likes cats and spends spare time in movies then you can find the incredibly story teller underneath.

5) Mist1 at To do: 1. Get Hobby 2. Floss. She's been amusing me for quite some time. She does filthy much classier than I. Yet another I don't believe reads me, but damn this woman has some mind on her.

These are the blogs that consistently make me smile. Which isn't to say there aren't many more that I look forward to reading, and there are very many, but the top 5 that always make me smile, these are it.