It almost scares me how funny I find this one.

I got sent to go pick up a younger-ish lady from BFE Gresham last night 'round about 1:30a. I get there, she's pretty drunk, but not overly. She's been drunk-dialing this fella that she met just a coupla nights before at a bar. They're texting back n' forth and what it comes down to is he is paying the cab to bring her to him. He lives just off downtown, NE.

She's gushing all over about what a great guy he is. Surprisingly still single and no children. Blah, blah, what a great guy.

I get her down there, she sends him a text saying she's there. He sends one back saying he'll meet her at the door (secure building). She leaves her stuff in the cab and walks up to the door. Right then a woman in a car w/the lights off pulls up next to her, on the street, honks to get her attention, calls her a bitch, takes her picture with a cell phone and yells "Just thought you'd like to know I have his cell phone. I'm the one sending you texts for the last hour. Whore!" Then drives off.

I'm doing my damnest to not laugh at her (where she can hear me) as she gets back in the car.

She: Shit. Now what am I going to do?

Me: I take it from that comment you don't have any money.

She: I have $15.

Me: Well, it's $40. Whatcha gonna do about this?

She: I don't know. Let me call my roommate.

She tells her what's going on and apparently the roommate asked to speak with me. Meanwhile the meter's running.

Me: Yes?

She2: Hi. You know what's going on with my girl there right?

Me: Yup. I was here for it all.

She2: Well, I got $20. My girl says she has $15. Is $35 going to be enough for you?

Me: No. The meter's at $40 and it's going to take another $40 to get her back to you to get the rest of the money.

She2: What the ... Well, I tell you what, that's just going to HAVE to do. If that's not good enough then I don't know how to help you so you're going to have to take the $35.

Me: Well, actually, no I don't HAVE to take the $35. And just for the record, I don't really care if you can help me or not ... it's not YOU that's going to jail.

I handed the phone back to the girl in the backseat. She starts throwing a fit on the phone about going to jail. I can hear the roommate telling her she isn't going to pay the fare so I pick up my phone and start dialing Multnomah non-emergency. Now she's crying and begging on the phone so the roommate agrees to pay the fare.

I get her back there, it's just over $90. The roommate hands me 5 20's off a stack that's about an inch thick and is cussing up a storm the whole time. I just take my money and leave.

So girls, let this be a lesson to you, never leave home without cab fare. Even if he says he's paying.


"And what do you suppose I named my daughter?"

I got sent to this nasty little neighborhood to pick up this lady and take her a short distance away. We got off to a good start, laughing about something someone in the parking lot was doing and whatnot. And then it happened ... my mouth outpaced my brain. Again.

She: I have to go buy my son some birthday presents later today.

Me: How old is your son?

She: He just turned 13.

Me: Wow. He's a teenager now. You excited about that?

She: No. Courvoisier has quite the mouth on him. I don't think it's going to get better as he gets older.

Me: I think that's a boy thing. They don't get any better as they get older.

She: Ain't that the truth.

Me: So you named your son Courvoisier? That's actually kinda cool. One I hadn't heard before.

She: Yeah. My sister named her daughter Brandy so I had to come up with something higher class. We both laughed at that.

Me: Shoot. Too bad you didn't have twins you could have named the other Hennessy. :o) I thought it was funny. Silly me.

She: Actually, his little brother IS named Hennessy.

Me: Well there ya go. :o) Still thinking we were laughing about it. To be fair, she laughed at that.

She: And what do you suppose I named my daughter?

Me: In keeping with the "classy" alcohols, I would guess Cristal.

She: No. We had just stopped and she was paying me at this point. Her name is not Cristal, you racist bitch.

Me: WHAT? It's not like I said you named her Alize'. Jeez.

She got out and slammed the door.

Damn. Whaddaya say to that?


Hey now, I gotta story for you ...

I got sent to the Acropolis (fairly popular strip joint just S of downtown) to pick up a coupla guys 'round about 1:45a last night. One guy gets in the cab (He1), 2 others are trying to convince a 3rd that they needed to leave. Took 'em about 5 minutes to do that so the 1st guy and I chatted for a bit. They were all pretty drunk, bachelor party. These are older guys, all mid-late 30's and the last of their group is finally "falling". We're heading to Oregon City (further south by about 15 minutes) so we have some time so they can tell me their "story".

After we're going ...

He#2: So, did you hear our story?

Me: You got a story?

He#3 and 4: OH BOY do we got a story!

Me: All right, let's hear it.

He#1: So we're at this bachelor party and we decide to hire ... um ... these ... ladies ...

He#2: Strippers!! We hired strippers. Let me tell it. We called around and found these girls that were willing to do a little girl-on-girl action for us for 500 bucks.

Me: Wow. That's some fairly serious money. I hope they were worth it.

He#3: Pssht. Not even close.

He#4: Maybe if we'd gotten to see at least ONE of them naked!

He#2: Sh! I'll tell it. So one girl shows up. She's waiting for the other to show so we're eating dinner, she sits there for about 1/2 an hour, eating and laughing with us. She decides to call her friend again. Dummy over here (He#3) decides to say something stupid to her and she gets a little nervous.

He#3: That's what she SAID.

Me: Uh-oh. I see where this is going...

He#2: Yeah, she decided to wait in the car for her friend.

Me: And you let her take the money with her, didn't ya?

He#2: Well, yeah. But she said her friend was probably just lost and needed to get out of the house to get better reception.

Me: shaking my head Oh man, I can't believe you fell for that!!

He#1: I KNOW! We're idiots.

He#3: But wait ... it gets better!!

He#2: Oh yeah! We go outside to check on her after about 15 minutes, we could see her sitting in her car the whole time and as we're out there talking to her another car pulls up.

He#3: An Escalade.

He#4: Full of mean looking Mexicans.

He#1: With guns!!

He#2: We thought we were going to die!! They jumped outta the Escalade, pulled their guns on us and she took off in her car. We all just stood there and watched her go. The guys didn't even say anything. Just got in their car and took off.

Me: Well, at least you lived to tell the tale.

He#3: Yeah, but we're out 500 bucks. The bitch!

Me: Yeah, but again, at least you lived to tell the tale. It could have been a whole lot worse. And think of the story you can tell at the wedding party!!

He#2: Oh no. I think we're never going to speak of this one again. Agreed guys?

They all agreed, then discussed possible ways of getting back at these people but decided the best thing to do was just to let it lie and chalk it up to experience.

I almost felt sorry for them. Almost.


Hi - remember me??

I'm moving ... back soon.