I'm hoping by sharing I can get this one outta my memories ...

I picked up this nice couple just across the Broadway Bridge from downtown, going to the Paramount Hotel. They were asking questions about the lights atop our cars (we don't turn ours off if we're occupied, it's a safety issue) at the light where we stopped at Broadway and Burnside and a large black woman came walking up and opened the back door where the fella was sitting. She didn't realize there was someone in the cab so she apologized and closed the door.

I got them to their hotel quickly and drove off up towards Vaseline Alley (buncha gay clubs in a row), didn't find anyone and kept driving. I wandered around for a little bit, ended up back on Broadway at Pioneer Square and stopped at the light and get hailed by someone at the Square. I look over and it's that same black lady, but this time she has this drunk cowboy with her. They get in the cab, her first (she has to fight to get in, she's pretty large) and he just kinda falls in next to her. I notice (read: am ASSAULTED by) her body odor. NOT pleasant. I roll down the windows a bit further. All of them.

Me: Hey there. Where we off to tonight?

She: Home. Well, his home.

Me: looking at him Where we off to?

He: My house.

Me: ... which is ...?

He: Where I live.

Me: Ah. That's helpful. Thank you. What's the address?

He: Um, just go forward.

Me: Yeah, to where?

He: Go forward. I'll tell you where to turn.

Me: How about you just give me your address and I'll get you there?

He: OK.

Me: ... OK ... what? What is your address?

He: Go forward.

Me: NooooOOOOooo, I'm sorry, that isn't how this works. I need your address first. What is it?

The time I've spent talking to him she's just sitting back there listening and rubbing his neck. He's reee-heeely drunk. Swaying in the seat and whatnot.

He: Uhhhmmmm, you know where Multnomah Village is?

Me: Yes.

He: I live near there.

Me: Hokay, where near there?

He: Off ... ummm ... 45th.

Me: Ok, so I get you to 45th and Multnomah you can get me the rest of the way right?

He: Of course. I'm not STUPID you know. I KNOW where I live.

Me: Ah. Silly me. OK.

So we head off down Broadway to the I5 south exit. Tooling along, she's rubbing his neck a bit and talking to him.

She: Oh baby, you're going to be so happy tonight. I'm going to make you happy. I'm gonna love you the right way. (he's just sitting there with his head on her shoulder, burping rhythmically) I'm gonna make you soooo happy you met me at the Square a little bit ago. And all that money you're going to give me is going to make Momma happy. Mmmmm baby, you smell me?! All that for you baby. SMELL it ... That's ALL for you honey ... Momma's got some honey for her honey.

And while she's doing this she's scooting down in the seat so she can spread her legs a bit wider and let him smell her.

She: Hey baby, to me you think you could scoot this seat up a bit more so my man can smell what I got for him?

Me: Uhhhhmmm, no. I honestly don't think he can smell anything right now. He looks pretty drunk. How 'bout you wait 'til we get there to take care of that.

We get up to 45th and Multnomah, after some serious shaking he finally wakes up, gives me directions and we get to his home. He stumbles out after paying me and she's asking him to come around and help her out of the car. He wanders around and helps her out of the car, closes the door of the cab and starts asking her who she is and why she was getting out at his house. I got outta there.


Grax said...

Yeeeah you're not gonna forget that memory anytime soon. I know I won't.

"Mmmmm baby, you smell me?! All that for you baby. SMELL it ..."

... Yeah.... :-/

Donna said...

Well, if you had to roll the windows down because of her BO, I can't think her nether regions would have been very pleasant. Good thing he was drunk.

Anonymous said...

When she started airing out her honey pot, asking if he could "mmmmm" smell her, I would have totally started laughing at her!

Tracy Kaply said...

That is just Awesome. Totally gross and awesome.

butterfly_chic26 said...

I think i'm ruined for life now....who the hell says Honey?!?! EWWWW.....

Sizzle said...

i really should not have been eating breakfast when i read this post.

BarnGoddess said...


Hazard pay-YOU need it.....

omg, now I need to forget this, ha!

Tragerstreit said...

I need brain bleach now.

..I can see why you needed to share that one.

Mad William said...

That could be the nastiest thing ever.


whall said...

You should start a donation page for cameras. I'd contribute.

Heck, I'd host the donation page.

Jeanine said...

Grooosssss....anyway I found a story you might find interesting....

eris said...
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eris said...