"My momma always tole me white bitches was crazy."

Had to go pick up the current ex bf (cab driver as well) from work and we were heading home about 5a (I own my car so I take it home, he doesn't) when I get a phone call from dispatch asking, pleading, begging even for me to run out towards Gresham to get this older lady that had taken a cab earlier but the other driver was no longer working for that evening. We had no other cabs on that side o' town and she was going quite a ways so I said yes.

I get to where she is and ask dispatch to call her as it's still dark out and no lights were on in the house. A light popped on and a young lady stepped onto the porch to give me the ol' "one finger" that she was on her way out. J and I chat for a bit and finally this little ol' black lady shuffles down the steps and walks towards the car leaning on the young lady. They make it right about to the front of the car, in the headlights and the older lady stops and just stares at me. Says something to her companion, and shakes her head. She turns and tries to start back into the house and her friend says something to her, she shakes her head, but turns around and walks back to the car. J gets out and opens the back door for her, she gets in and buckles up. Her friend goes back into the house.

Me: Good morning.

She: ...

Me: OK. Where we off to this morning?

She: I gave the address to the nice young lady on the phone. I don't know why she sent YOU to get me though. I told her not to send no women.

Me: Huh. Well, I'm the only cab this side of town. Where can I take you?

She: What's a woman doing driving a cab anyway? Ain'tchew got no man?

Me: This is my man here. And I drive a cab. So where can I take you?

She: That last cab driver didn't get no money from me so I tole him I'd give it to him when he came back. Where is he?

Me: He is done driving for the night, but if you like I can give it to him.

She: No. No. No. I don't give my hard earned money to no woman. Huh uh. Not me. I'm not stupid ya know.

Me: Well ... how about ...

She: But I'll give it to the young man sitting next to you. I trust him.

Me: Well then, lucky for the other driver. Now, can I take you somewhere?

She: Now don't you be rude to me missy. I don't need no shit from no white woman. My momma tole me not to take any shit from no white woman. You're nuts. Alla ya. Crazy bitches.

Me: Excuse me, did you just call me a 'crazy bitch' ? You don't even know me. I might be a nice person.

She: Oh no you ain't. I knows you ain't. My momma always said white bitches was crazy. And I always did what my momma said.

I was just in shock. Sitting there staring at her, then I look up at J and he's laughing.

She: to J Now Sweetie, you going to take this check from me to give to that other nice young man that brought me out here? then to me But not YOU. You a crazy bitch.

Me: Still in shock was I. I'm sorry, but we don't take checks. Do you have any other form of payment to pay me for the ride we haven't gone on yet?

She: Hell no. I'm done talking to you. I'll talk to the sweet man in the seat in front of me. How you dooon baby?

Me: Excuse me, but you HAVE to talk to me. Just the way it is. Do you, or do you NOT have some other form of payment?

She: to J You want to tell that white bitch to shut the hell up so we can talk? by the by, J is white as well.

Me: No. He isn't going to say anything to someone as mean as you are. If you don't have any other form of payment I'm afraid I can't give you a ride anywhere.

She: to J again You better tell this bitch to take me where I wanna go and do it NOW. I don't have to put up with no shit from some snotty white bitch. to me YOU DON'T OWN ME BITCH!!

Me: I think I'm going to go get that young lady that helped you out here. I'll be back in a moment.

She: Damn right you bitch. Tell ME what to do. Think I'm going to go NOwhere with any woman driver. I tole that nice lady at your office ...

I got out at this point. Whew. Turned out to be her granddaughter. She came back out and got her back in the house. J and I went home.


"Well, would you be willing to testify?"

I had just finished dropping off a couple at about 35th se Gladstone, drove down to 26th to get to Powell to get to the closest bridge into town. It's about 2a. I hit the light at 26th/Powell and sit there contemplating ... hermaphrodites and I catch a movement out the corner of my right eye. I look over, there is a guy standing on the sidewalk, about 15 ft. in from Powell on the sidewalk. Dude has a black hoodie, scruffy blondish/brown goatee, dark jeans and his dick in his right hand. I just look for a second, looked to the light, it had changed so I look back quickly as I start to drive thru the light to make SURE I saw what I thought I saw. Not only did I see an ugly man w/his dick in his hand, but he smiled and stuck his tongue out at me. I just shook my head and drove off.

After going about 100 yards I decided to call the Non ER # for Multnomah County and let them know about my flasher. sidenote: when I got to this part of the story with my current ex-man he was quite upset that I reported the waggler. Thought I should have let him waggle when and where ever he wanted.

Disp: Non emergency.

Me: Hiya. My name is **, I drive for ** Cab and I just had a dude flash me while sitting at the corner of 26th se Powell.

Disp: All right. What was he wearing?

Told her.

Disp: thank you. Have a phone # where you can be reached?

Told her cell ph #.

Disp: Thank you. And can you describe to me ...

Me: ... His penis? He was BLESSED! And no mean feat since it's only about 28 degrees out here.

Disp: giggling No. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. Where exactly was he when the alleged flashing took place?

Me: Ah. Sorry. Couldn't help it. I'd be bragging I had that baby myself. Anyway ... etc.

Disp: Thank you. I'll let an officer know what you've said. Good night.

She hung up. Right about then I get a call from a regular that is downtown and needs a ride to St. John's. (About $25 +/-) I head out to go get him. As we're driving up I-5 Nbound I get another phone call.

Me: This is M.

He: Hello. Is this the cab driver?

Me: Yup. How can I help you?

He: This is Officer Barr of the Ptld Police Dept. I'm standing at the corner of 26th and Powell with a gentleman that you called about.

Me: Bullshit!!

Ofcr: No. I am serious. Now you said this gentleman ... ?

Me: He flashed me. And he's NO gentleman. Trust me.

Ofcr: He says that he was urinating. Is that possible.

Me: Weeeeelll. I suppose anything is possible. But he was facing the street. At least 3 ft away from the closest bush to him. Had his dick IN his hand. A smile ON his face. And I saw NO urine.

Ofcr: I see. Well ...

Me: So dude is still there?

Ofcr: Yes. I'm talking to him.

Me: Is he still urinating? Or just hangin' out at his favorite bush to pee whenever he gets the urge? It has been about 25 minutes, ya know.

Ofcr: Ok. Thank you for your information. Someone will be calling you.


So I had to tell the fella in the car what was going on. He was laughing along with me at the stupid things people do under the influence when the Ofcr called me back!

Me: This is M.

Ofcr: Miss B, this is Ofcr Barr again. I need to ask you another question.

Me: Shoot.

Ofcr: Did the man in question have ...

Me: I'm sorry Ofcr, I lost you. What was that?

Ofcr: Did the man in question have an ... erection? he said the last word very quietly.

Me: Did he have an ERECTION? not near as quietly Is that what you asked me?

Ofcr: Yes. That is what I asked. I swear I could hear this man trying not to laugh.

Me: Well. No. I didn't actually SEE an erection. But I could describe it to you. The good lord blessed this man, lemme tell ya.

Ofcr: more subdued snorting ... I SWEAR OK. Well ... um ...

Me: Are you going to do a lineup?

Ofcr: not so subdued snorting now Um ...

Me: I tell you I am SO channeling Porky's right now! I have ALways wanted to do a penis lineup.
Please, please PLEASE tell me you are going to do a PENIS LINEUP!!!!!!!

Ofcr: ...

Me: I'm sorry Ofcr. I just think this is hilarious. I can't help it. I'm a cab driver, I have a filthy mind. So ... now what?

Ofcr: Well, would you be willing to testify?

Me: Oh HELL yeah! I WANT to see this one go to court. Gawd help me.

Ofcr: OK. Let me get your dob, address and other information and I will have someone call you on monday.

Me: I tell ya what ... since I don't actually know for a FACT that you are who you say you are, how about I call the PD and ask if you are, in fact, a police officer and then call you back?

Ofcr: You can actually call them and give them your information, if you'd feel safer that way.

Me: Certainly. I don't know that you aren't writing down my info where this perv can see it anyway. Can I have your badge number?

He gives it and I call the dispatcher. The whole time this call has been going on the guy in the back seat has been rolling ever since I said the word "erection".

Me: Hello. My name is M. I drive for * Cab, I just called about 40 mins ago to report a man flashing folk at the corner of 26th se powell.

Disp: I'm sorry, our computer systems just flashed with the storms and all. Give me a minute to pull up the info.

Me: Certainly. I'm actually just calling to find out whether or not this guy that called me was actually an officer of yours as I didn't want to give him my info over the phone without knowing who he was.

Disp: A legitimate request. Let me ... yes. Here we are. I found it. The Officers name was Barr and did you get his badge #?

Me: rattled it off.

Disp: Yup. That's our officer. And it looks like they actually got the guy! He's on his way in to the justice center now.

Me: Nuh uh!!! Really?

Disp: Oh yes. We take that stuff seriously.

Me: If you'd known the type of problems I have where the officers DON'T take me seriously you would begin to wonder. I just called 'cuz I thought ya'll might wanna keep him away from the children. But good to know that ya'll actually arrested him. Thank you for your help.

Disp: You're welcome. Have a good evening.

Me: You as well. Good bye.

Me and the fella in the back laughed about this all the way to his place.

It's now Tues, I got no call yesterday. *grin*


Just an FYI

I have re-enabled my comments. Just 'cuz.

"I really would like to see you sometime, away from this ride."

I get flagged by the local pimp that hangs out on the curb in front of Mary's club (I've had this man in my car, taking his "girl" to a "customer") as I turn the corner on Broadway. He points at a lady just walking out of the bar and she has a very drunk male friend that is staggering all over. The pimp helps her get the guy into the car.

Me: Hi there. We doing all right here?

She: Yup. I'm fine. He's a little drunk. I'm taking him home and then I would like you to bring me back here. That all right?

Me: Sure. Not a problem. Where we off to?

She: Ummmmm ...

He: *** ne 33rd.

Me: Uhm ... 33rd and ... Sacramento?

He: Yeah.

Me: Okee dokee. You all right man? I ask as he lays across the back seat and starts gagging.

She: He's fine. Aren't you Joe? I don't remember dude's name. I'll just call him Joe.

He: Um. I think so. And he starts fiddling w/the window controls, which I have locked. Gotta love those old cop cars.

Me: Joe? You all right? Need me to open the window for you?

He: Yesssh. Pleash.

I do. We make it about 1 block and dude starts gagging again.

Me: Joe, you need me to pull over so you can yak?

He: No. Just keep going. gagging more

Me: Not a chance. I'll just pull over here. If you yak in my cab I'm gonna charge you a lot of money.

So I pull over and he hangs his head out the window. Throws up down the side of the cab. Bastard. There's a guy walking in front of the cab at the corner (about 25 ft away), he's looking at the cab trying to figure out why I have my blinkers on. When he figured it out he started laughing. I flashed him a "peace" sign, he flashed me a thumbs up and kept walking. And laughing.

While this is going on the woman in the back starts talking to me.

She: So you like this job?

Me: I find it to be the most amusing thing I've ever done.

She: Really? I bet.

Me: Oh yeah. I'ts a roller coaster of fun. You really can't beat driving a cab on a weekend night in Portland. It's hilarious.

She: I can see that. I've thought about doing this. I bet it's a lot of fun.

Me: You really have no idea. I just can't describe it. I could tell you a few stories tho. grin

Hack, gag, spit from Joe.

She: Oh yeah. I bet you get a lot of shit, huh?

Me: In every form.

She: Ever get hit on?

Me: Every night. And usually by folks that wouldn't hit on me if they were sober.

She: Oh come on now, you're beautiful.

Me: Oh gawd. You're gonna hit on me now, aren't you?

She: WeeeEEElllll, I was thinking about it. But really, you're gorgeous. I mean that.

Me: Oh pshaw.

Hack. spit. gaaaaaAAAAAAaaaag.

She: Not working huh?

Me: No. Sorry.

She: I really would like to see you sometime. Away from this cab ride.

Me: And away from the yakker in the back seat with you. grin Really. Thanks but no thanks. Don't let the ball cap fool ya.

She: It looks good on you. By the way, I'm a hermaphrodite.

Me: blink

He/She: How do you feel about that?

Me: Um. blink I can't decide whether to feel flattered or offended. blink (Best I could come up with on such short notice, what can I say?)

He/She: Well, are you going to decide before we finish this ride?

Me: Oh gawd no. I'm having a hard time thinking at all at this moment. Sorry. First time I've heard that one.

He/She: I understand. It throws off a lot of people.

Me: Is he better? I haven't heard any hacking for a little while. I really gotta get going.

I think at this point I was getting a little panicky. Maybe even a bit scared. I mean ... damn. Threw me off. :o) We drove off.

Me: after I got over my vapor lock - So, you must've said that one purpose. What were you hoping for?

He/She: Well. Sometimes people are curious. You know.

Me: Ah. Well, I don't "KNOW" per se, but I understand the concept of curiosity about the subject.

I got him home, and her back to the bar. Uneventfully. Thankfully.


"You fucking lying fucking whore!"

I picked up 2 fellas late one night, heading home from the bar. One was fairly calm but slightly intoxicated, the other quite drunk and barely speaking, just leaning against the door.

The nicer of the 2 (Mike) and I chatted while I took him home first. A quick 5 minute ride from where we were.

Mike: as he is getting out Hey Steve, you going to be all right with this lady taking you home?

Steve: Hm? yeah. Sshure.

Me: Hey Steve, what's your address? he just looks at me Do you have any I.D. or something with your address on it so I know where to take you?

Steve: looks at Mike Shhhe's fucking with me huh?

Mike: Nah. She just needs to know your address to get you home. Can you help her out?

Steve: ummmm ok. As long as ssshe doeshn't fuck with me nnnoOOO MORE. I'll ssshhow her.

Mike: looking at me Are you all right with this? He doesn't live too far away, close in, Sellwood.

Me: Well, it isn't too far, we should be all right. Right Steve?

Steve: Whatever.

Mike: Um. I tell ya what, here's the cab fare for my part, and here's my phone number in case you have any problems. K?

Me: K.

We head off.

Me: Steve? You all right back there?

Steve: Yup. Jusssht take me home. Damn. Women. Sheesh.

Me: Ok. Well, where do you live? he gives me an in general and we head off.

We get to 17th SE Holgate.

Me: Steve? HEY! Steve! Wake up man, where do we go from here?

Steve: looking out the window Fuck this. AND you. I'm outta here. and he gets out.

I just look at him for a sec and seriously think about leaving him. I pull in across the street at a store and call Mike.

Me: Hey, this is your cab driver. I'm having a problem with Steve. He just got outta the cab at 17th se Holgate. I thought of leaving him, but I hate doing that with drunks. Whatcha want me to do?

Mike: Um. Shit. What's he doing?

Me: Right now, he's peeing on a phone pole.

Mike. Are you kidding me? Shit. Can you put him on the phone?

Me: Yup. Hold on, I'll drive over there. ... Hey Steve! I have Mike on the phone. Get in the car and I'll let you talk to him. he does and I do.

They talk for a second and he hands the phone back to me.

Mike: He's should be ok now. His address is ... and if you have nay more problems with him give me a call. OK?

Me: Yeah.

We get to Steve's place. I have to wake him up again. He can't find his cash or card. Right at that moment his gf called on his phone. He answers.

Steve: I'm downshtairsh. In the cab. I can't find my money. and he starts nodding off again.

Me: Hey! Give me the phone, I'll talk to her. Hi. Yeah, I'm the cabbie. He owes me 26$ right now but he can't find his money. Can you come down, I can't get him to tell me which apt. he lives in. Thank you. See you in a second.

Meanwhile, Steve has passed out again.

His gf comes downstairs and walks to the car. She hands me $26.

GF: Are you having any problems?

Me: Sort of. He jumped out of the cab so he could pee on a pole so I had to call his friend Mike. But we got it under control and now you can have him.


Me: What the FUCK are you doing man? Calm down. I look at gf. Get him the fuck outta my car.

She just throws up her hands and walks off. He's still flailing about in the back seat.

Me: Steve! CALM DOWN. NOW.

Steve: You FUCKING LYING FUCKING BITCH WHORE!! swings at me again, this time connects with the back of my arm.

Me: THAT's IT.

I get turn off the car, take out the keys and get out of the car. Call the police. It doesn't take them too long to get there. They haul him off. I get back in the car and head back downtown. My phone rings.

Mike: Hey Michelle? This is Mike. Did you get Steve home ok?

Me: Boy, did I. Then I had him arrested.

Mike: Um. WHAT?

I tell him what happened.

Mike: Wow.

Me: Yup. The p.d. said they're taking him to Hooper Detox. You can go pick him up in the morning. I'm not pressing charges, but you might want to rethink your friendship with this guy.

Mike: Actually, I just hired the guy to work for me. We decided to go out tonight for the first time. Wow. Guess I'll have to fix that.

Me: Indeed.


More famous folk in my cab

Had 4 of these guys in my cab last night. Kinda funny watching them talk around their knees. :o)
Then a little while later had a reporter from the Indiana Star or something to that effect in my cab as well.


These guys were in my cab last night ...

These are the guys from The Fray. If you're a Grey's Anatomy fan at all, you'll know who they are. Had the 2 middle guys in my car after a concert they gave here. They were coming from seeing a band at the Doug Fir, I took them back to their tour buses. They were singing Chris Cornell. :o)

Famous folk in my car to date (that I know of):

The Fray (Band)
Anthony Kiedis (Band - Red Hot Chili Peppers)
2 of the guys from Maroon 5 (Band)
Ron Wyden (Politician)
David Ogden Stiers (M*A*S*H)


"She had better NOT leave that meter running until I get there!"

I pick up this young man (19-ish) from downtown at the Hilton 'round about 12:30a not too long ago.

Me: Howdy. How ya doin'?

He: Oh, you know.

Me: Indeed I do. Where we off to tonight?

He: Tualatin. Lower Boones Ferry exit. You know it?

Me: Yup.

He: Any ideas how much this is going to cost?

Me: I'm glad you asked before we left. I'm thinkin' $30 at the outside. That going to be a problem?

He: Nah. Long as it doesn't go over that.

Me: I'm not doin' much else, I can get you down there for $30 tops if it goes over don't worry about it.

He: Really? That's cool. YOU'RE cool. Thanks!!

Me: Not a problem. Now tell me how your night's been going and why you're downtown at almost 1a. grin

He tells me about his new job, recent ex and their child and the problems with all that. We discuss his parents, basically his entire life.

We get down to his place, apt complex, about 20 mins later. He hands me plastic.

Me: Aw hell. If you would have told me it was credit I would have called it in before we left downtown. This going to be good?

He: Yeah, that's why I couldn't go over $30, that's all I have left in the acct.

Me: OK. And I.D.? He hands it up and I run the card.

Me: Hmmmmm. No good. You got cash?

He: No. Um. Hell. I'll be right back, let me check my apt for some cash.

He runs inside. I call my dispatcher and tell him what's going on and where I am. I wrote down this young mans add and apt # when I checked his I.D. I wait about 5 minutes, get the dispatcher on the phone again and go knock on his apt door.

He: Oh ... um ... hey. I was just ... um ... checking for any cash laying around. How did you ...? Oh. The I.D. right?

Me: Yup. It seemed to me like you weren't that much of a bastard when we were talking so I wanted to give you the chance to pay me before I just called the cops. What do you have to say?

He: Um. One sec ... ok? I won't close the door. Look. I'll stand right here and make a phone call.
dial ... ring .. Um ... Mom?? I need you to ... I know it's late but I ... I know mom. I'm sorry. But I ... MOM! Listen, OK? Please. I don't know what happened, I just looked at my bank account online and it says I have the money, but I have a cab driver here saying she is going to call the police because I can't pay the cab fare down here. I don't HAVE any cash mom. Yes, she took it all when she left. Yes mom. But ... what do I tell the driver? looking at me What are my options?

Me: Well, you pay the fare or you can go to jail. That's pretty much it.

He: starting to look a little panic-y. Mom! Did you hear her? Yes. Um ... I forgot. I think it was about $29. Right? to me

Me: Well, it was when we got here, but the meter runs until I get paid. So I imagine it's gone up a few dollars since you hopped outta the car.

He: Mom?!! What do I DO?? I don't know. I can ask. to me Can I use her card?

Me: Only if she signs the slip and I can see her I.D.

He: What if she ok's it?

Me: Nope. Has to be the card member themselves that sign the slip.

He: Um ... Mom?? What now?

Me: I can drive you to them. They'll have to pay the entire fare once I get you there.

He: HA! I don't think so. They're in Salem.

Me: It's only 35 or so miles. Another ... $70 give or take. Or I can call the police now. It's kinda cold out here ... what's it going to be?

He: Mom? I don't want to go to JAIL!! Help me!! What do I do? Ok... um ... then to me She's going to drive up here and pay you, how much is it?

Me: Well ... I imagine its at about $40 now, so by the time they get here ... maybe $60 or so.

And I hear from his phone, still attached to his head, from 3 feet away "She had better NOT leave that meter running until I get there!"

Me: Whoa. Well, unfortunately that's the law. Drive careful. I am going to wait in my car. She has 40 minutes to get here then I'm making a phone call.

He: I'll wait downstairs with you so you can see that I'm legitimate.

My dispatcher had been listening to the entire conversation from my phone, he said "Or at least his MOMMY is legitimate."

I snicker and walk off to the cab. He stands downstairs twiddling his thumbs.

It takes her 35 minutes to drive the 35 odd miles. She brought her husband. Neither one were very happy to see us.

The husband gets out of her car, in his p.j.'s and comes over to the cab and hands me a credit card to pay for the fare.

I run it, it's good. $67.00. No tip. Go figure. :o)


My robbery.


Pick up this REALLY cute guy down the street from one of the nicer clubs in town - Aura, at about 1:30a one Saturday. He hops in front with me.

Me: Hi there. How ya doin?

He: Not so hot. I'm fighting with my girl.

Me: I'm sorry to hear that. Am I taking you home?

He: Nah. I have a couple of friends downtown ... somewhere.

Me: "Somewhere"? So you just wanna drive around and look for them? *grin*

He: Do you mind?

Me: I was just kidding. But no, I don't mind. Any ideas which area?

He: I think they're supposed to be down by Bar 71.

Me: Parking down there is at a premium, shouldn't be too hard to find 'em. Unless they're in a parking lot. Then we might be outta luck.

He: It's all right. I don't mind driving around. Just head down that way and I'll look for his car.

Me: All right.

long story short: As we were driving around we chatted about his girlfriend, his friends, basically lfie in general. The whole time I'm stealing looks at him sitting next to me 'cuz this boy is cute! I mean, young Brad Pitt kind of cute.

We pull around to a parking lot by 2nd NW Everett.

He: Hey, pull down this street! I think I see his car, right over there. He points to the right.

Me: OK, which one is it?

He: What say you just give me your money? *grin*

Me: dazzled by this boy's cute smile What say I don't!

He: glances down What say you DO.

Me: looking down and seeing a gun in his hand, pointed at me. Well shit. I'm guessing you don't see your friends car, huh?

He: You're kind of funny. I'm sorry to do this, but I need you to give me your money. I don't want to kill you.

Me: digging in my pocket Well, I'm glad to hear you don't WANT to kill me. Here ya go.

He: looking at what I gave him. This is it? $15.00?? Bullshit. Where's the rest?

Me: Hey now, I just started for the night. I haven't made anything yet. That's my change pack. It's all I have, really.

He: Bull SHIT!! I KNOW you cab drivers carry more than this on you! I've SEEN it!

Me: Not me. I deposit my money as soon as I get it ... in case I get robbed. Ya know?

He: getting a little twitchy now, looking around Give me your damned credit card!!

Me: digging again OK. Here it is. But it's a deposit only card. Just in case. *shrug*

He: getting more upset, puts the gun against my forehead You had better tell me where all your money is, and RIGHT NOW! No more jokes. No more fucking around. Where is it?!!

Me: Hey, come on now. I just started. Look, here's my log sheet, I have nothing on it.

He: grabs the log sheet from me and throws it in the back seat. DAMN IT!!

Me: Just looking at him.

He: FUCK! Don't move.

Me: not moving.

He: reaching over and opening his door. You're lucky.

Me: I feel that way. You go that way, I'll go this way, whatcha say?

He: Have a nice day!! and he hops out and runs to the left.

I turn right, going the wrong way down a one way street, very fast! I pull over 3 blocks later at the Amtrak station (it's the most well lit place around that's open, and I've gotten to know some of the security guards there pretty well). I get on the radio and tell my dispatcher what happened, he calls the p.d. while I'm on the radio, I have to give a description so they can drive around the immediate vicinity and see if they can spot the guy.

The dispatcher tells me they will be there when they're done checking the area as long as I'm in a safe place, unless I want one there right away. I'm all right where I am. I sit in my car and write down what happened, as I remembered it and drew a sketch of the guy (sketch at end of this entry).

A p.d. car shows up with 2 officers. They ask me to describe what happened. I tell them what I remembered, then described what he was wearing.

Me: Oh, and I drew a picture of him. I draw. Here.

They look at it, then at me. Then one officer looks at his partner and they start whispering behind their hands to each other.

Me: What?

Right then, one of our other drivers drove up. The dispatcher called him and asked him to drive over and check on me.

Ron: parked and got out of his car. Are you OK?

Me: started BAWLING!!! big, ol' ugly tears. Not pretty.

He put his arms around me and I just lost it. (Poor guy just started 2 days before this :o)

The officers walk off and talk for a minute, then come back after I've calmed down a bit.

Me: All right, what were you guys whispering about?

Well, turns out that someone that matches this guys description, EXACTLY, killed 2 people at the bar close to where I picked him up at, just a week before that. Just walked into the bar and started shooting.

Me: *blink* Ummm .... *blink* Are you shitting me?

True Story. I freaked. Had to go home. Ron followed me all the way to make sure I made it ok.

Next morning, at about 7a, I get a call from an officer downtown saying they had a young man in custody that looked like my sketch and they wanted me to come down in the afternoon and do a line up at about noon.

At about 11a I get a call from the detective in charge of the case. He says I can't come down and do a line up because they would rather I did a police sketch artist first. I was a good artist and all, but they couldn't use my sketch. Had to be someone that could go to court and testify.

Fine. He gave me the number of the sketch artist detective and asked that I call her. I did. Set up an appt for later that afternoon.

I went in about 2p and met with her. She was really cool, and -understandably- incredibly calm. All she asked was that I describe to her what had happened, then what he was wearing. She took notes. Explained that what she did was take notes, I would come back in another day or two and she would have a picture for me to look at and we could refine it from there. I asked about the guy in custody, she said they had to let him go, he wasn't the guy. Apparently he was in jail at the time I got arrested.

After I finished up with her I took my sketch down to Kinkos and made a hundred copies. I took them to the 2 largest cab companies here and told them what happened and to pass out the pictures. Turns out I was too late. This same guy (according to other driver) robbed him at gun point at about 2p that day. AND THEN he robbed a cab driver from the other largest company in town about 18 hours after that one, and this time he had another guy with him. Everyone was speculating that he was starting a career.

I went back to the detective 2 days later, we refined the sketch and talked a bit. When we finished she pulled out the sketch that I drew. It was pretty close. She said she hadn't looked at it because she couldn't be influenced by what I had drawn. I gotta tell ya, I was INCREDIBLY impressed with her being able to draw just from what I had described. I can draw just about anything, but there's no way I could do what she does, it really was amazing.

We finished, she said she would give it to the detective in charge and they would call me when they knew something.

I called back 2 days after that, they still hadn't caught the guy. And I never heard from them again.

Interestingly enough, this never made the news, although everyone (at least the cabbies) was talking about it, and spread the word. Almost all of my sketch copies were in cabs for quite some time after that.

One good thing did come out of this. A year before I got robbed, the city cab commission had doubled the rate of our cab licenses because they said they were going to put cameras in our cabs but hadn't gotten around to finding a night-compatible camera that would work. (Hell, if they can base an entire series on HBO with those things you'd think they could find something that would work.) But not long after this happened to me they had a meeting and decided they had to find some. Now it's mandatory to have working cameras in our cabs.

As it stands, I have the dubious honor of being the only female cab driver in Ptld to get robbed at gun point.

This happened August of 2004, and only 1.5 weeks after I bought my cab. We had approximately 45 women (of a total of about 1,200) cabbies in Portland when this happened. Now we have less than 15, and - near as I can tell - only 4 of them drive nights.


"Don't air our business in front of the CAB DRIVER FOR CRISSAKES! Just pay her before the neighbors see her out there!"

Got dispatched to a call to pick up this fairly young looking man late Saturday/early Sunday and took him from the east side o' the river to the west in Lake Oswego. It was about a 20 minute ride and we chatted about all kinds of things on the way. Pretty amusing conversationalist.

He: OK. Hold on a second. I have to go in the house to get my money.

Me: Ah. You aren't going to pay me are you?

He: WHAT? Of course I am. Why do you say that?

Me: Because every time I get someone to where they're going and they say 'I have to go in the house to get my money' something always happens and somehow they don't have it.

He: Man. It must suck to have your job. So many flakes out there. NO. I'm straight up. I'll be right back ... with cash. I promise.

Me: mmmm hm. I'll wait right here. You have 3 minutes then I'm calling the cops. Just so you know. *grin*

He: Wow. So untrusting. That's sad.

Me: What's sad is that so far I'm batting a thousand with this particular situation. It would be nice if the city would allow us to ask if a body actually HAS the money when they get in the car to pay for their fare, but they won't let us. They say that everyone KNOWS when they get in a cab that they are paying for a service and we call the police if you don't pay. One of the many reasons why they put cameras in our cabs. So. See you in ... 3 minutes ... right?! *grin*

He: Of course you will. I'm not one of those people that swindle people out of their money. I have a business I run. You can trust me. I'll be right back.

I wait for a few minutes. I call my dispatcher on the phone and tell him the situation and the address of where I am, just in case, and am still talking to him when the young man comes back out of the house and gets in the car.

He: I am so sorry, but my sister took my money.

Me: just staring at him

He: Really. She does this all the time. She knows where I keep my money and goes in there and gets it sometimes.

Me: Ah. And I thought you were going to surprise me here and do the right thing. Can't you go wake her and get your money?

He: No. She went out.

Dispatcher: You want me to call the police now? in my earpiece

Me: No, not yet. Let me see if he has some other form of payment.

He: You take cards right?

Me: Yup. As long as it's good.

He: Of course it's good. Um. It won't clear until Monday right?

Me: No. It's going to clear before I leave your house.

He: Well. Um. It won't be good until Monday.

Me: Not good enough. OK J, call the police. to the dispatcher

He: Wait a minute here. Really. I am being straight with you here. If you let me go until Monday I'll tip you large to wait. I'm not kidding. This is the account I run my business out of. I'm being honest here. etc etc about the sister.

Disp: Well, whaddaya think? You gonna do it?

Me: All right. But only so you know, if this isn't good by Monday I'm calling the police to come here, to your house and arrest you.

He: No problem. You won't have to do that. I promise. It'll be good.

Me: Don't promise me. We tried that. yup. you get jaded driving a cab.

He: Wow, thank you soooo much etc etc

Disp: I can't believe you're going to do this.

Me: I know. Gawd. I'll call you back.

So the kid gets out of the car. I head on my way. Call the disp. back and we chat until I have to go do something else.

Monday comes, card is no good by late in the afternoon. I call the kids cell phone.

Me: Hey Brooke?

He: Yeah. Who's this?

Me: This is your cab driver from last night. Your card isn't good.

He: Hey. What?? No way. I JUST used it. Can you run it again?

Me: Nope. It's been ran 2X. No good. What are you going to do about it?

He: I'll get cash. I'm going to be out of town tonight with my folks, can I hook up with you first thing in the morning when we get back and I'll give you the cash. I'm really sorry.

Me: I won't be around during the day, but the guy that drives my car will be downtown all day tomorrow, how about you hook up with him and give it to him to give me.

We work out the particulars, etc etc.

Tues: Card is still no good, he never contacted my driver and now isn't answering his phone. Go figure.

Me: I call his vm and leave a message. Hey. This is your cab driver. I just wanted to give you one last chance before I call the police. It's 6p now. I'm heading over to your house and will call them from there. Just letting you know.

He calls me back about 5 minutes later.

He: Hey. Sorry, I was on the other line. I'll be here. At home, when you show. I'm really sorry about that. I'll see you in about 1/2 hr right?

Me: Probably closer to an hour. But I'll be there.

I drive over there. Knock on the door. His Dad answers the door.

Me: Hi. Is Stephen around?

Dad: No. He just took off. and just gives me that look like 'what do you want?'

Me: My name is ... and I tell him the whole story.

He has a cell phone in his hand, picks it up and calls his wife.

Dad: Hello. It's me. I have a young lady here says she's a cab driver and that Stephen gave her a bad credit card after telling her some bullshit story about his fake sister taking his money.

Mom: I can hear her over his phone. AGAIN????!! God DAMN it!!

Dad: This has got to stop Patty.

Mom: Don't air our business in front of the CAB DRIVER FOR CRISSAKES!! Just pay her before the neighbors see her out there!! This is a pretty affluent neighborhood.

Me: *smiling*

Dad: Patty, we ...

Mom: PAY HER DAMN IT! I'LL DEAL WITH IT WHEN I GET HOME. and she hangs up on him.

Me: I'm really sorry, I hate doing this kind of stuff. I told him I was going to call the police, so he had plenty of warning. Sorry to disturb your night like this.

Dad: It's not you. I'm sorry he did this, again. Damn kid needs to learn some damned sense. He's been doing this for years. He's 32 years old. We just married 4 years ago and I've been having problems with him ever since.

Me: Really? Wow. He didn't look that old.

Dad: That's why his mom lets him get away with it. Anyway. I don't have that kind of cash on me. Will you take a credit card?

Me: Well ...

Dad: Dont' worry. MY card is good.

Me: Ok. I need to run it in the car.

We take care of business.

Dad: I'm really sorry you had to deal with this.

Me: Ya know, I could always give you your card back and I could call the police anyway. It sounds like he needs a little ... help.

Dad: You know what? If I hadn't already told his mother I'd pay you then I probably would. Thank you. You seem like a nice enough woman, might I suggest you think about another line of work?

Me: Thank you for that. I'm not that nice. *grin* You seem like a nice enough gentleman, might I suggest some family counseling to get rid of the 'adult child that is still living at home and sponging off the family?'

Dad: Touche. Good evening.

Me: You too.


"I need to know your # in case I can't find anyone better to fuck tonight."

I pick up these 2 young, fairly respectable looking men from Mary's, a tiny little strip joint downtown that - for whatever reason - seems to be where everyone has to go when they come to Ptld. Rumor has it the women have been working there since it opened ... in the 70's. I've only been in there once. Scared the bejesus outta me! They both jump in back, it's 2:30a.

Little Punk1: Hey baby. We're going to the Doug Fir. Here's my credit card. He throws it in my general direction. You know where that is?

Me: Yup.

We start heading around the block, if you've never been, downtown Ptld is all one way streets, as the Doug Fir is just across the Burnside bridge ... a total of 15 blocks across the bridge: 7 blocks this side, 8 the other.

LP1: Hey baby, do you mind if I jump up front with you here? He asks, by the time he says "mind" he is already in the front seat, and we've only gone 3 blocks. Thanks babe. How you doin' tonight?

Me: I'm ...

LP1: OH SHIT!! Pull over!! Quick!! I know these girls!! I pull over next to 2 young ladies walking up the street. Hey girls! How you doing tonight? They step up to the car. I need some help if you would, please?

Girl1: Hi there! You're cute. giggle What can we do for you?

LP1: I need to know your number so I can call you if I can't find someone better to fuck tonight.

Me: blink

G1: WHAT did you say?

LP1: What I SAID was that if I can NOT find any better pussy tonight then I would like to have you as back up to suck. my. dick. Did you understand THAT?

Me: eyeroll and blink

G1: who, incidentally, hasn't walked off yet Ummmm. I don't think so. and then she giggles to her friend. I wanna slap 'em both. Hell, all 3 of them.

LP1: Well. What do you think of THIS? And the shithead picks his narrow ass up off the seat, unzips his pants and shows his dick to the girls out the window. You want this. Right?

G1: I don't THINK so. and NOW they walk off.

LP1: sits back down in the seat, w/out zipping up then So Cabbie, what do YOU think?

Me: I think you should zip up before you embarrass yourself.

LP2: Hell. He does this all the time. He doesn't embarrass.

We get stuck at a light.

LP1: Looks at me Well. Really? What do you think?

Me: I think it must be cold in here. Let me roll up the window for you Junior.

LP2: laughing hysterically She's got YOUR number man!

LP1: narrows his eyes No. Really. Tell me what you think.

Me: I THINK you should zip up your pants before I have to charge you extra for an obscenity charge.

LP1: You wouldn't do that. Here. Touch it. and the little bastard actually tried to grab my hand!!

Me: Hey now!! Don't touch the driver. What's wrong with you?!!

LP1: No really. It gets bigger if you touch it. Look. and he tried AGAIN to touch me.

Me: snatching my hand away. Really. Don't. Touch. Me.

LP1: Shit. You're gonna charge me extra for an "obscenity charge" huh? How much?

Me: What sounds fair? Fifty bucks?

Lp1: Shit. You could charge me that every day for the rest of your life and never get all my money. My daddy is rich.

Me: Whatever. Just don't touch me again.

LP1: Really. My daddy is rich.

Me: I. don't. care. Just don't touch me again or your rich daddy is gonna hafta come bail your stupid, drunk ass outta jail. GOT. IT.?

LP2: Man. Remember what your dad said about if this happened again?

LP1: She won't call the cops on me. She can't prove anything anyway.

Me: What do you think we got cameras in these cars for, Junior?

LP1: STOP CALLING ME 'JUNIOR', DAMN IT! then looking at the camera. Well. I won't pay you. You can't make me.

Me: Then I WILL have y0u arrested, JUNIOR. Besides, you already gave me your credit card. We only have 2 blocks to go. Just shut the hell up and zip up your pants. You're pathetic.

He zips up and doesn't say anything until we get there. I pull over, run his card, and put in the 'description' "Cab Fare and Obscenity Charge". He gets out of the car and grabs the clipboard from me through the window to sign his card copy. Then he throws the clipboard at me and walks off.

LP2: I'm really sorry about my friend. He gets stupid every time we get drunk and in a cab. I think he was just worse tonight because you're a woman.

Me: Yeah. Whatever. You might want to rethink your friendship.

A couple of people walk up and get into the cab so he walks off. They as me what happened, why that guy threw the clipboard at me. I tell them and we laugh the whole way to their house.

I call my bf and tell him the story. He laughs, then says "You shoulda stun gunned him in the balls! I bet THAT would have gotten his attention."


"And my name is Rainn, but I'm the straight one"

I get sent to Embers, a drag show club at about 2:30a. I am talking to our dispatcher on the phone to get a name when a young girl comes up to the passenger side of the car. She's wearing a wifebeater, cut off jeans at the knees, big, black boots and has a bandana on her head. I'm instantly scared. Before I roll down the window I tell the dispatcher "Whoa! This girl is ScaaaaAAaareee!! I'll call you back and tell you about this one!"

I roll down the window as she struts up.

Me: Hi there. Are you who I'm looking for?

She: Hi. Yup. You waiting for Ashley?

Me: Yes ma'am. Ya ready to go?

She: One sec, I got 2 friends with me.

She gets in and scoots over behind me, the 2 others get in and I get their address and we're off.

She1: Ha! You get to ride bitch! She says to the girl in the middle.

Me: Hey now! We just met ... no one gets to ride me without cash up front.

They all crack up. The ice has been broken.

She1: Hey girl! Right on. What's your name?

Me: M

She2: sitting at other window My name is Liz.

Me: Hi Liz.

She3: in the middle And my name is Rainn. But I'm the straight one here. She thinks about it for a second Although I have slept with both of these guys.

Me: Well then technically, that doesn't really make you straight, right?!

She1: Shit girl, you're hilarious! I like that in a woman ... are you ... ?

Me: Eeeeasy now. Don't let the ball cap fool ya doll.

She1: Shit. Doesn't hurt to ask now does it? I still think you're funny. Rainn, I've been meaning to ask you, what did you think of the night we spent together?

She3: What do you mean, 'what did I think of it'?

She1: Just what I said. What did you think?

She3: Well, I've been thinking of that night a lot lately. And really, I think it was, maybe one of the best nights I've had, sexually, in awhile.

She1: What do you mean, 'maybe one of the best'?

She3: Well, top 3 at least.

She1: I can live with that. Maybe I'll just have to try harder next time.

She3: There won't be a next time, I told you that last time.

She1: Oh yes, there will be.

She2: Hey now, what about OUR night together? I mean, yeah, that dude was there, but you didn't enjoy our night together too?

She3: Oh yeah. What WAS that guys name? Didn't we meet him that night?

She1: I just don't get it. Why would you want a guy when you have me, I got a strap on that stays hard all night compared to guys. I mean, shit! M, you know what I'm saying here, right?!

Me: Oh no. I make it a point to not get into any arguments in my car. But most especially with lesbians, you girls don't fight fair.

She1: Sheeit girl. I knew I liked you. If you ever wanna change sides, you let me know.

Me: Trust me, you'll be the FIRST to know. Here you are ladies, home safe and sound.

"Can you play any music less GAY than this?"

I'm just passing this one along because it amused me ...

As I drive by a gay bar in town called CC Slaughters I get hailed by a gent standing there. He hops in and we're off to outer se Ptld.

After about 1.5 minutes we're already trading horror stories from our 'travels' ... I'm telling him about a gay guy I picked up that was very graphically adamant about the fact that since I wore a baseball cap I was a lesbian.

He is a DJ at the bar I just picked him up from.

He: I tell you what I love is the straight guys that come in here with their girlfriends and don't realize right away that they're in a gay bar. I tell you, one time we had this cute little hottie come in and walked up to me and the bouncer next to me, who happens to be the only straight bouncer we have, and said to me "Dude, do you think you could play some music that's less GAY than this?"

After about 30 seconds of just staring at him I said "Could you BE any less clueless?" ... he stared at me for a few seconds. I said "Dude, look at the walls." He looked up and FInally realized that we had gay porn playing on the screens on the walls and I said "I could not play anything less gay than THAT."

He got this scared look in his eye and said "Wow. I think it's time for me to leave."

And I said, completely serious, "And you'd better run because we haven't met our quota this month."

He just kinda screamed and ran for the door. Me and the bouncer laughed for hours about him.


"Well hell, I'LL tell you ya got a big dick for 600 dollars!"

I picked up a guy from Aja's downtown - a late night "private exotic show" kinda place. He called the cab co. and requested a cab at 4a when they closed.

Me: Hiya. How's it goin'?

He: Oh God. I'm gonna be in soooo much trouble.

Me: Uh oh. Wanna tell me where you're going first and then I'll let ya pour it all out. Bartenders and Cab drivers are somewhat synonymous at this time o' night.

He told me where we were going, a very affluent neighborhood right off downtown in the West Hills. Not that far, but a nice area with a killer view.

Me: And we're off. So what happened?

He: shaking head Oh Gawd! I can't believe it!!

Me: Come on now, you know you wanna tell me. What happened? Lose a little too much money?

He: 'A little too much'???!! I gave that girl $600.00!!!

Me: Are you SHITTING ME?!! Damn. She must have been GOOOD. Aja's has a rep. as being a ... full service dance club ... after hours.

He just kinda hung his head lower.

Me: You didn't get any? WHAT? Did you get blown? he starts shaking his head. NO? Wow. No sex? shake. No blow job? shake. Did she at least rotate your tires or SOMEthing? shake. Wow. I'm in the wrong business!

He just kinda looks at me stupidly.

Me: I mean, damn. I wish I could make 600 bucks for doing nothing more than shaking my ass for ... what ... a few hours? nod. Wow. She's smarter than you or I will ever be bubba.

He just sits there as we drive along. He's almost crying now. I almost feel bad but DAMN, someone needs to say it!

Me: SoooOOOOoooo. What'd she do to earn 600 bucks? C'mon now, 'fess up. What happened?

He: Well ... she ... ahem ... she did ... you know ... that thing that women do that make men stupid.

Me: Um ... birth you?!

He: Shit. YOU know.

Me: OH. She told you that you got a big dick, right?

He sorta nods.

Me: And that was worth 600 DOLLARS?! DUDE. What the FUCK were you thinking? it's called "tact". I've never heard of it.

He: Hell. I don't know. I just thought ... well ... she was so cute. I mean, she kinda looked like you, with the long hair and all.

Me: Well hell, I'd certainly tell you ya got a big dick for 600 dollars.

He: Um ... really?

Me: Hell yeah. If you're gonna be stupid and just give it away and that's all I gotta do, you betcher sweet bippie I would.

He: Huh. Well. Go ahead.

Me: And what? Tell you? nod. Puh leeze. I betcha gave her all your money.

He: Well, not ALL of it. I'll give you what I have in my pocket if you tell me.

Me: Whoa. You need some help.

He: Please?

Me: Pssht. eyeballing him for a sec ... Whatcha got in your pocket? Cash or flesh? I don't need no more surprises tonight.

He pulls a hand out of his pocket and shows me a bunch of crumpled up cash. I can tell there's at least 2 20's in there. I look at him for a few seconds ...

Me: Are you SURE? nod. All right. very unenthusiastically; You got a big dick.

Boop. He slaps what he's got in his hand into mine.

He: There you go. And we're here. You wanna come in for a drink or something?

Me: I'm workin' here, I gotta go. And can I just say, you need to stop drinking Bub.

He: That's what my wife keeps telling me. Here, here's the money for the fare.

Me: Oh, no. I'm covered w/what you gave me here.

He: No. That's for earlier. I'll pay the fare. And tip you. Are you sure ... ?

Me: Nope. But thanks. I'll catch you next time.

He: Can I get your cell phone number to call you directly?

Me: I'm sorry, my cell is dead. You can call base and ask for me though. Have a nice night!

I drive off.

Total take: $13 fare + $17 tip + $163 wad of cash = breakfast on him.


"I haven't seen my friends in awhile, they left me on the curb to go to another bar."

This run was a little earlier in the night than the last story I wrote.

I was rounding the corner behind the most popular bars in town when I get flagged by the security dude at 'VooDoo'. I pull over and he tells me to hang out for a second. I wait. He comes back basically dragging this young man and pours him into the backseat of my cab.

Me: Aw come on, man, I don't drag folks into houses. I'll call another cab w/a big, strapping man driver to take care of this guy.

Dude: He was just awake. Shakes kid. Hey! You all right man? You gonna do right by this lady here, she take you home?

Kid: Ummmm. Yeah. I'm fine. Really. Just take me home.

Security dude looks at me, I just shrug and nod my head.

Me: Hey there. Kinda early to be going home already, isn't it?

He: Yeah. Probably. What time is it?

Me: 9p.

He: Wow. I started drinking at about 2p today. It's my birthday. My friends kept buying me shots.

Me: Huh. Well, happy birthday. Didja have a good time?

He: I think so. We decided to come downtown about 7p. I haven't seen my friends for awhile now. They left me on the curb a little while ago and decided to go to another bar.

Me: You consider these good friends?

He: You know.

Me: Yeah. So, how ya feeling?

He: Pretty shitty.

Me: You gonna yak?

He: Probably.

Me: Don't do it in my cab. Just let me know and I'll pull over. Really. Any time. All right?

He: K.

He lived about 6 miles away. We had to stop 13 times for him to yack out the door. (3 times on one bridge.) The last time was right in front of the cop shop on NE MLK Blvd. There was a cop standing there, laughing so hard he almost fell over. He called a couple of his friends over, they were laughing. I was just sitting there, watching this kid hang out the door. (By this point he pretty much had nothing left in him, just the heaves.)


"I'm a MAN, I can handle it."

Picked up this young couple downtown, they lived about 15 mins. outta town. About 2 minutes into the ride the young man tells me it's his 21st birthday.

Me: Happy Birthday! Didja have a good time.

He: Oh yeah. It was fun. I'm pretty drunk.

She: You didn't have that much to drink tonight.

He: Yeah. But I'm all right.

Me: Well, happy birthday anyway.

We're toolin' along, chatting, and the further we drive the further he's leaning towards the middle of the back seat.

Me: Hey, Eric? You all right?

He: Yessh.

Me: Well, hey, if you get the urge to yak, let me know.

He: Hmmmm.

Me: Really, Eric? Man, if you yak in my cab I'm gonna charge you $50. above and beyond the fare. Are you SURE you're all right?

He: I'm a MAN. I can handle it.

Me: Ah. Ok then. Now that we have THAT settled... but I'm not kidding. This is a no yak zone.

He: It's all right. I'm tellin' you.

Me: All rightee then.

I get them home, almost 20 minute ride. I pull away, go to the end of the street and turn around, as I am driving back the poor kid is yakking all over the neighbors' bush.



"I was in detox with a bunch of scary women!"

I get sent to pick up someone that called at a Plaid Pantry in a not so great neighborhood at about 7a one Saturday. I wait for a bit and call dispatch, they call the young lady, she is on her way, will be about a minute or so. I'm sitting there, doors locked, reading a book when I look up. I see this girl walking towards me and she looks torn UP. Typical for this area, but still, I'm a little concerned. Her knees are bloody, make-up down her face, hair all mangled, carrying one of her shoes. I swear I thought she had just gotten mugged. I got out of the car and asked her if she needed some help.

She: No, I'm **, you're waiting for me.

Me: (blink) Whoa. OK. Are you all right? Need to go to the hospital or something?

She: No. I just need to go home. I live in Sellwood, near the river.

Me: All right. Um. So. Rough night eh?

She just starts bawling. Out loud, big ol' ugly tears and shudders. I hand her some kleenex and wait for it to blow over. She finally calms down a bit and explains to me what happened. Turns out that she woke this morning in detox, had no clue how or why she was "... in there with a bunch of scary women!"

She: I woke up because this woman was trying to unbutton the front of my dress. I was laying on the floor. Apparently we're right next to the mens' room because she scooted across the floor to whisper to this guy through the door that I was starting to wake up. He was mad at her because he could see me under the door and wanted her to hurry and get my clothes off. There were about 10 other women in there, all awake, and they were going to let her!! He started telling her that if she loved him she would hurry and get my clothes off before I woke up fully, she was the best girlfriend he'd ever had, how beautiful she sounded and that he couldn't wait to MEET her!! I started screaming and the police came. They said they were just waiting for me to wake up to process me. When I told them what almost happened they said I could file a complaint on Monday. I just wanted to get out of there. They said they had towed my car, the only thing I had on me was my ID. I can't get my boyfriend to answer his phone so I didn't know who else to call. I know you guys are pretty strict about this, but I don't have any money or my visa on me, I swear I have it at home. Are you ok w/this?

Me: Um. You say you have your ID on you? Can I see it? she hands it up to me. Is it all right if I hold this until you pay me?

She: Ye-ees.

Me: All right. Then we're golden. I'll trust you.

As we're driving along I tell her a couple of cab stories to get her distracted and laughing, then her boyfriend calls. I hear her 1/2 of the conversation ...

She: What do you mean, 'wher have I been all night?' Where have YOU been? I've been trying to call you for over an hour. I just had a HORRIBLE morning, I was in Detox. My car got towed, I don't have my house keys or any money. Where were you at ... WHAT? NO!! I told you, I was in Detox! I woke up this morning and ... YES! Really. I have the papers they gave me when I left this morning. NO! I'm in a cab. It was HORRIBLE!! I woke up to this lady ... NO! You KNOW I would never cheat on you! I LOVE you! Why do you keep saying that? I was in Detox! What? Yes, I told you, I'm in a cab right now. I know, but this one said she'll take me home and wait for me to get my money out of the house. Yes. Yes. Do you want to talk to her? she looks at me in the rearview. Yes, she says she'll talk to you. Really. Yes, really. The cab driver's a woman. I'll let you talk to her. REALLY! The cab driver's a woman. Well, apparently there is at least one, as she's driving the cab. She IS. Where were you that I couldn't reach you? I remember trying to find you last night before I left the house and ... WHAT? NO!! I told you, I can prove I was in Detox. Yes! I love you! I would NEVER cheat on you! Can you meet me at home and bring my keys? I can't get in w/out breaking in. Why? Where are you? Yes. Yes. NO! I'm sorry. You're right. I love you. Of COURSE I trust you. Yes. I'll just break in. Baby, I'm sorry, you know I love you more than ...

I quit listening at this point.



Random Stuff ...

... said by me.

They: Are you free?

Me: Nope. But I'm available.

"Are you DEAF woman? I TOLD you I'm in a coma!"

I get sent to a Blockbuster video store at about 3a one morning. On my way I ask the dispatcher if it's going to be an employee or what as they aren't open this time of the morning.

Disp: No. It's a police call. I just got a call from their dispatcher. Apparently there is a guy there that needs a ride.

Ah man. Cop calls are NEVER good. Unfortunately there is no one else on this side of town so I head over there. I call my man and tell him what's going on, since this call is only a few blocks from our house he is my backup and to stay on the phone.

I pull up to Blockbuster and there is a guy laying 1/2 on the grass, 1/2 on the sidewalk, in the sprinkler. I pull my car up to where I can see him and roll down the window.

Me: Are you the fella the police called us for?

He: Can you help me out here? At least OPEN the FRICKIN' DOOR for me. Shit. I'll tip you.

I get out of the car and walk around, but don't open the door. I've already decided there is no way I'm taking this guy anywhere.

Me: Hey there. So. Whatcha doin' layin' in the sprinkler? It's a little cold out here.

He: I just need a fuckin' ride. The damn cops called you guys and just left me here. I'm in a diabetic coma here. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?!

Me: Hey now, no need to yell. I can hear you just fine. Even if you ARE in a coma. So, am I supposed to give you a ride or what?

He: I'm not IN a coma. What, are you deaf woman? I didn't say that. Shit. Why do I always get the STUPID cab drivers? MAN.

Me: Well, obviously I'm not deaf, I'm hearing your yelling just fine. So, again, why are you lying on the sidewalk?

He: I TOLD you. I'm diabetic. I'm in a COMA. Jesus. Can you just take me somewhere? Damn cops. I HATE cops. But I kinda like you. You look like you're pretty sweet. He says as he smiles with both his teeth showing.

At this point, my boyfriend is laughing so hard I can barely hear what this guy is saying. And it's making it damned hard not to laugh back as well.

Me: Oh, I AM sweet. But where exactly is it you need to go?

He: I need to go to 21st and E Broadway. I'm on section 8. It's cool. You'll get a voucher once you get there. I need to get going. I'm COLD here.

Me: Oh man, I'm sorry but we don't do medical. You need to talk to *** Cab. I can call them for you if you'd like.

He: WHAT? After all this time you won't even HELP ME UP??! What the hell is wrong with people these days? Won't even help a guy when he's down. Shit. World is going to hell, I tell ya. Fuckin' cab drivers can't even give a free ride now and then.

Me: Oh jeez. Stop that. I am a CAB, not a preacher. If you got cash then I'm more than willing to help you out. Sounds like you've gone through this before. I tell ya what I WILL do for you. I'll call the other cab company and ask them to come get you.

He: But I'm cold NOW. Can I sit in your cab until they get here. IF they get here. They never show up when I tell them my name.

BF is laughing even harder now.

Me: I'm so sorry, but I'm workin' here. I have to leave. But if I could make a suggestion, you might warm up a bit if you get out of the sprinklers.

He: Can you take me somewhere? ANYwhere? Just one block? Pleeeease? Just ONE DAMN BLOCK? Is that too much to ask? Damn.

Me: Where exactly is it you would like me to take you? There is nothing open right now.

BF: M, stop teasing the man. Just drive away.

He: Well, take me over there. They're open.

Me: You want me to take you through the McDonalds drive thru?

He: No, no no. Not the drive thru. Take me to the front door. They'll open for me. I'm special. They'll let me in.

Me: Well, that's cool that you're so special. I bet you have a lot of people tell you that. But I'm sorry, I really have to go. I'll go ahead and call that other cab company for you now. Unless of course you would like me to call the police for you, I'd bet they can help you out.

He: Fuck it. And Fuck YOU. You're not so sweet. I guess I was wrong. Just get on out of here.

Me: Oh, I'm still sweet. I'll call that other cab. Have a lovely morning.



"Now that I've seen you, I know he wouldn't fuck you" (this one is long!)

Christmas Eve, (technically Xmas Day) 1a. I get flagged by a guy in downtown Ptld.

He: Can you take my friend home?

Me: Where's your friend?

He: On the sidewalk right there.

Me: Oh no. I don't haul drunks in the house, clean up after them, etc.

He: No really. He's all right. All you have to do is nudge him. Look.

One of the friends standing by the drunk guy on the sidewalk nudge him. He gets up and walks to the car and gets in.

Me: I dunno. Where's he going?

He: Camas. Here's his I.D. and visa. Can you take him? Please?! We want to stay in town a little bit longer and he's been up all day working, etc.

Me: (thinking that anywhere in Camas is about a $60. run) Oh. All right. He's gonna wake up to give me directions, right?

He: Oh yeah. He's just tired. Not too drunk. Thanks!!

He and 2 other guys walk off, laughing. I thought it was just 'cuz they were going to have a good time without their friend. Little did I know ...

I get us up to Camas about 25 mins. later and try to wake Dude to get directions. He doesn't wake. At all. Just lays there and moans a little. Great.

I stop at an open gas station and get directions. Turns out that - due to road construction - we had to backtrack into Vancouver and go out that way to get to the address on Dude's I.D.

I get to the address I was looking for (bought a map) and it turns out the address is a strip mall. Same address that is on his ID. The mall has Ste. #'s, his ID just says "107". Argh.

I finally succeed in waking him up. It takes a few minutes.

Me: Dude! Wake up damn it. I need to know where your house is from here. Come ON.

He sorta wakes up and looks out the window.

He: Ummmm. Thish ish fine.

So he opens the door, gets out, walks over to the sidewalk, sits down and passes out again. Falls over.

It's 26 deg. out there, not like I could leave him ... morally anyway. So I called the Vanc. PD. (which have no non-er # after 5p) and speak to their dispatcher.

Me: Hey, I'm a cab driver from Ptld. I have a drunk fella just got outta my cab and passed out on the side of the road here. Can you send an officer, please?

Disp: Um. Excuse me?

Me: Really. This kinda stuff happens all the time, I just need you to send an officer here to get this guy. I don't want to leave him and it's a little cold out here.

Disp: I bet you have an interesting job.

Me: You have no idea. Are you sending someone?

Disp: Yes. It's going to be awhile though.

Me: Fine. Just send someone as soon as you can.

Disp: All right. What's the address you're at?

I provide.

Disp: All right. And where is your customer?

Me: He's on the sidewalk right over here by ... lemme see ... OH SHIT! He's GONE! Oh man. Sometimes I hate my job. (Getting out of car) Hold on. Let me see ... Ah hell. Here he is. He's behind the sign out front of the shopping mall. Looks like he's passed out again. Can I kick him?! No? All right. Look. I put my jacket on him, can you just send us an officer before he gets up and wanders off into traffic or something?

Disp: All right. I have the call dispatched. Do you need me to stay on the line w/you until they get there?

Me: Naw. I'll be fine in my car w/the doors locked and heater on. You might wanna hurry up and get someone here before this guy freezes to death though.

I call my dispatcher and tell him what's going on. We laugh about it and I just sit there waiting, with the meter running. (!)

45 minutes later 2 officers in a patrol car show up. After they speak to me and get done laughing they go try to wake up Dude. One ofcr stays w/Dude and the other talks to me.

Ofcr1: This happen often?

Me: You have no idea.

Ofcr1: You been paid yet?

Me: No. I have his ID and Visa card here his friends gave me though.

Ofcr1: All right. Hey, can you call your dispatcher and see if there is a listing for this guy in Ptld phone directory.

Me: Yup.

We have one listing under this guys' name. I call it and leave a message... "Hi, my name is M, I am a cab driver for ... and I have this fella named ... in my car. This is what's going on, if he belongs to you call me back at this number please."

I let Ofcr1 know what's going on. In the meantime Ofcr2 has gotten Dude awake and coherent enough to realize that he's about to be in some serious trouble.

Dude: I can't go to jail. I CAN'T!! I'll be in so much trouble. Can you take me home?

Me: Me? Maybe. Where do you live?

Dude: In Ptld.

Me: Huh. That's not what your ID says. But hey, yes, I can take you back, but I'm going to charge you for it. And you had better stay awake for this ride. Just for the record the meter's been running since I picked you up. It's at about $175. now.

Dude: Fine. Really. Just take me home.

Ofcr's are laughing, but hey, less work for them.

Dude gets in my car and we head off to his house.

I finally get him home at almost 4a. Christmas Day. I'm wondering if this counts for my good deed for this year or if I have to wait until next to collect from Santa on this one.

I run his credit card - $245. He signs it, doesn't even leave me a tip (!) and staggers off into the house.

I go home.

You'd think that would be the end of it, right?

'Round about 7a my phone rings. I pick it up and I have a woman screaming in my ear ... "Who the FUCK are you and what are you doing with MY man at 3 O clock in the FUCKING morning?!!"


Me: Here's what happened ...

I tell her the story, she digests for about 15 seconds and then ...

Her: You lying BITCH! There ARE no female cab drivers in Ptld! I don't know who the FUCK you think you are but I'm going to find you and ...

Me: HEY! Stop yelling at me. It's Christmas for Crissakes. :o) Look. Here's the phone number for my office. You can call them, they'll verify I work for them and what happened. This story is the only thing anyone is talking about anyway this morning.

She: I don't know who you are BITCH, but I'm going to find you and ..

click. I hung up on her.

My phone rings again. I turn off the ringer and go back to sleep.

Still might think it's done, huh? Nope.

About 9 o'clock in the morning - remember ... Christmas Day ... I have someone banging on my door. WTF??!! I'm assuming Santa doesn't knock so I go answer it.

Not so happy Ptld Police Officer standing at my door.

Me: Well now. It's Christmas, not Halloween so I'm assuming you're not Santa in costume. (no smile from him) What can I do for you officer?

He: Are you ... ?

Me: Yup. What'd I do?

He: I need you to come down to your office and speak to me and another officer. We have the owner of your company down there along w/the complaintants.

Me: WHAT? What 'complaintants' are you talking about? What's going on?

He: Apparently you turned your phone off, the owner of your company is trying to resolve a complaint made against you for credit card fraud and instead of just coming over here to arrest you we are trying to resolve this as we hear there may be a legitimate reason for what you've done.

Me: "Legitimate reason"?? Are you shitting me? Is this about that guy I just dropped off a coupla hours ago? WTF? I can tell you what happend. He ...

He: I'm sorry, but I need you to come down to your dispatch office. If not, I can take you downtown and we can book you and talk about it there.

Me: Shit. All right. Can I get dressed or do I have to go in my pj's? I'd hate to catch a cold.

He: Yes, you can get dressed, but I need to stay in the apt. to make sure you aren't going to go anywhere.

Me: Holy shit. All right. Come on in. Make yourself at home. Hell, ya want a beer?


Me: no? All right. Give me a minute here.

We head down to the office. Get there where there is my boss, another officer, the dispatcher that worked last night, Dude and the woman spitting fire out her eyes at me MUST be his woman.

She starts right in ... " This BITCH called me at ... " blah blah blah. She blathers on for about 5 minutes, cussing and calling me every name in the book.

We all just sit there and listen to her. (Truth to tell, I was kinda impressed. I'm a CAB DRIVER and haven't heard some of those names before. :o)

I finally get a chance to explain my side of it. One of the officers says "Do you have the incident # from the Vanc PD?"

Me: No. But here is the # I called on my cell phone last night. I think the officer I talked to was named ... can you call this number and get it?

Ofcr: Yes. Give me a minute.

He walks outside, apparently to call the Vanc PD. One ofcr stays in and the woman just starts going off on me again.

She: I don't know who the FUCK you think you are but I'm telling you MY man doesn't GO out drinking anymore since he met me. I don't LET him. He doesn't go OUT with those loser friends of his anymore. When I took him from my friend he used to go out drinking and whoring around, NOT ANY MORE. And now YOU call ME in the middle of the FUCKING night and say you have him, I will NOT put up with this. And I KNOW you stole his credit card, you BITCH! And I'm going to prove it! You look like a fucking WHORE anyway. What kind of WOMAN drives a cab anyway? A WHORE that's what kind.

I'm just sitting here looking at her the whole time. I'm kinda shocked, to say the least. Matter o' fact, everyone else in the room is pretty well shocked too.

Me: Wow. Such language on Christmas. Are you sure you aren't a cab driver? That's quite a mouth you got on you! Anyone have a piece of paper and a pen, I need to write some of these down before I forget 'em.

She: You FUCKING BITCH I'm going to ...

Fortunately the other officer came back in right then.

Ofcr1: Well, I've spoken to the officer the cab driver spoke w/last night. Everything she told us about the time she was with the officers has checked out. So I'm going to assume the rest of it is true as well.

She: WHAT?! How do you know this woman isn't lying about the rest of it? I want her arrested!! NOW! Just because that little bit is true doesn't mean the rest of it is. And how do you know the cops she spoke with last night aren't lying for her as well? HUH?

Me: Um. Wow. Well, would pictures help?

She just glared at me.

Ofcr1: What do you mean?

Me: I have a camera phone that when I take pictures it time stamps and dates the pics. I took pics last night. Would that help any?

I say as I smile innocently at the bitch.

He asks to see it. Goes through the pics.

Ofcr1: All right. I believe the cab driver. I think we can all just go home and try to salvage what is left of our holidays, ok?

She: Well, I just really wanted to see what she looked like. Now that I've seen you, I know he wouldn't fuck you anyway.

Ofcr2: One second. Cabbie? I'm thinking you have a lawsuit on your hands. 'Defamation of character', etc etc etc. (he's saying this while he's staring right at the bitch. He rattles off a bunch of stuff and her eyes are just getting bigger and bigger.) And Officer 1, I'm thinking we can certainly file a 'false report' against this woman here. And I'm certain there are many other things we haven't even thought of that will certainly get this woman arrested, here and now if you, Cabbie, would like to file charges.

I stared at her for a few seconds. (did I mention that the whole time we're here Dude is sitting in the chair with his head in his hands, saying absolutely nothing? :o)

Me: Look. It's Christmas. It's the season for tolerance, even the stupid people need a break during this holiday. I just want to go home and go back to bed. What say we all go home and everyone ... Merry Christmas all right?!

We all head off to do our thing.

You'd think it was over NOW, wouldn't you?! Nope.

2 weeks later, she disputed the credit card charge.



"Oh my God, THIS is the cab he rode in?!!"

I got called to the Marriott to take a couple of young kids to the 'port at about 9p tonight. A 14 yr. old boy and 2 15 yr. old girls. They flew out here from Cincinnati just for the Dew Action Sports Tour. Sans parents and/or guardians.

They hopped in the car and were incredibly excited about their weekend. They said this was the "... BEST weekend of their LIVES!!" It was so cute.

It's about a 15 minute run to the 'port so we were chatting a bit and the young man asked me for a cab driver story.

Me: How old are you?

He: That don't matter. Tell us a story. Something nasty!

Me: Are you kidding me? It's almost Sunday. It's like, against the law to tell underage kids nasty stories on Saturday evenings. If you guys would have gotten in my car tomorrow ... :o)

He: Aw man. All right. Tell us something funny.

Me: All right. Ya know that boy that won the gold medal in the Olympics? For snowboarding? The redhead, you know who I mean. Shane, Sean somethingorother?

He: Oh yeah!! Shawn (whatever)!! He's like, so totally RAD! Man! We came out here to see him ... etc etc.

Me: Yeah. I think that's the guy. Anyway, I had him and a couple of his friends in my car last night and ...

They: WHAT???!!! OH MY GAWD!!! This is the CAB he rode in?!! Where'd he sit?!!

Me: Right behind me.


Then all 3 of them were jumping around and changing seats so they could each get their pic taken in the same seat, in the same cab as Shawn.

It was so cute. They would start talking about something else then one would say "I can't believe we're in the same cab as Shawn. This is so cool!"

Made me remember how I acted at that age.


"I bet you won't give me a ride because I'm black, huh?"

I have about 45 mins. to kill before I have to go pick up a 'regular' at about 4:30a to take to the airport. I sit at the Hilton downtown and play some Nintendo, not accepting any calls. A young man staggers up to me and tries to get in my backseat.

Me: Hey there. Sorry, I have to go pick someone up. I can call another cab for you though.

He: Hey. Why's the door locked?

Me: I always have my doors locked. Sorry. Would you like me to call you another cab?

He: Yeah. Sure. I need to go to Hillsboro.

Me: Well, where abouts in Hillsboro? The person I have to pick up is in that area.

He: Ummmm. By the Max station.

Me: Ok. Which one?

He: I don't know. The one off Washington.

Me: Ah. Ok. Ya know that's gonna cost ya about $45. right?

He: Yeah. I just need to get home. The Max stopped running.

Me: Yeah, I get a lot of people this time of night that say that. That going to be cash or credit?

He: Ummmmm. Cash.

Me: All right. So, for me to take you that far out of town, this late at night, I need cash up front. That going to be a problem?

He: Nah. I got it. Let's just get going. I need to get home. Unlock the door.

Me: Ok. But for me to go anywhere I need some sort of deposit.

He: All RIGHT. Shit. Just let me ... checking his pockets ... Oh shit! Man. Ya know WHAT?

Me: What's that?

He: Shit. Man. When I was buying dope earlier I think I left my wallet at dudes house.

Me: Well, that could be a problem. So you don't have any money on you?

He: No. Shit. You take credit cards?

Me: Sure. Long as it's in your name, valid, and you have valid i.d.

He: Cool. I got it. Let's get going. Open the door.

Me: I tell ya what, why don't you give me your card now and I'll start running it now.

He: Ok. checking pockets again. Um. Well ... it's ...

Me: ... in your wallet right?

He: Yeah. Can you just take me to where my wallet is? It's just down the street.

Me: I tell ya what, if it's just down the street why don't you wander on down and get it. I'll wait right here, for 1/2 hour and when you come back, with some form of legal tender I'll give you a ride. K?

He: Ah hell. All right. But are you going to wait?

Me: I said I'll wait right here, for half an hour, that's it.

He: I've just had so many of you drivers say you're going to wait and then you don't. You guys always drive off as soon as I walk off. I bet you won't give me a ride because I'm black huh?! You're gonna get scared just like all the other fuckin' cab drivers out here.

Me: Are you KIDDING me? You're trying to get ME to give YOU a ride when you try to get into my FOR-HIRE CAB without any MONEY, and then you pull the race card and try and guilt me into it when I say no? Gimme a break here.

He: All right. All right. I'm just kidding. I just need a ride. I really did forget my wallet.

Me: Right. Well, I'll be here for another 25 minutes. If you come back here, WITH some legal form of payment, I'll give you a ride. That's the best I can do for ya.

He: All right. I'll be right back. You'll be here, right?

Me: With bells on.

I wasn't surprised that he didn't make it back on time. Are you?


"I just bought this to get laid"

I pick up a sailor during Rose Festival's Fleet Week.

Me: 'Howdy Sailor!' I say with a smile.

He smiles back and tells me where we're off to.

Me: So what ya from?

He: Right here in Portland.

Me: Right on. That's gotta be cool, being able to come home and see the family and whatnot while you're docked.

He: Actually, ya know what? You seem like you're fairly cool.

Me: I am. Thanks.

He: Ha! I'm not actually a sailor.

Me: Huh. So what's with the whites?

He: I bought this at a thrift store for $5.00 so I could get laid this week.

Me: Huh. So how's that workin' out for ya?

He: Every night so far.

Me: Except tonight, right?

He: Not at all, tonight I got YOU.

Me: Oh puh-leeeeze. I'm the only sober woman you're going to run into for the next 3 days, do you really think that's gonna work on ME?

He: Well, I had to try. You're kinda cute, do you wanna come in?

Me: Oh jeez. We're here. Good thing I didn't have more time to think about it or I just might have. Good luck to you.


"I'm sorry, but we've changed our minds"

About 3a I get 'flagged' by a young man and two women. He gets in the middle, they on either side.

He: Can you take us to West Linn?

Me: Certainly.

Within 5 seconds the 2 girls start yelling and cussing at each other. The one girl doesn't want to leave her car downtown, she's afraid it will get towed, broken into, etc. The other is trying - by sheer force of volume - to convince her they're all too drunk to drive. The guy is sitting in the middle with his head back on the seat with his eyes closed.

Sounds like this is going to be a long ride.

We get stuck at a light. Loud Girl #1 finally gets LG2 crying.

He: Can you pull over a second, we need to talk. Leave the meter running, it's all right.

about 1 minute later:

He: Look, I'm sorry, but we've changed our minds. It's what ... $4.50 on the meter? Here, take this. Keep the change. I'm really sorry.

They get out and walk back the way we came, the light changes and I drive on thinking how much I would have liked that $45.00 trip and hoping he gave me more than just the .50 left over from the $4.50. I turn on my inside light to see what he had given me and un-wad a $100.00 bill.

Breakfast was on him that morning.



"I'll give you a fifsky if you'll blow me in the parking lot."

I pick up these 3 young men at the corner of the newest hot bar in town.

Funny guy #1 gets shotgun, other 2 in back.

FG1: Hey Dude. Oh wow ... excuse me ... Hi Honey! Hey guys, check this out, we got us a FEmale cabbie! Now you know why I always get the front seat. Hi Baby.

FG2: Hey, she's kinda hot!

Me: Yeah, yeah. Where we off to fellas?

FG3: Anywhere you wanna take us.

FG2: Yeah, we wanna come home with YOU!!

Me: Uh-huh. Since we know that isn't going to happen where would you like me to drop you?

FG1: How about someplace that serves food this late. I bet you know where everything good is, huh?!

Titters from the peanut gallery.

Me: Of course I do. But since I'm only taking you as far as it takes to get you to some decent food you might wanna strap in.

FG1: I love it when a lady says that to me.

More titters.

FG2: How about you join us?

FG3 and 1: Yeah!! Come on, we'll buy!

Me: Aw shucks fellas, thanks for the offer, but I'm workin' here.

FG1: Come on. Look, what'll it cost for us to buy you dinner? You get paid by the hour, right?

Me: No, I don't. And, really, thanks for the offer, but I just can't. I tell ya what though, I'll drop you someplace where there is a LOT hotter gals than I that might actually find you charming. Whatchasay?

FG2: Hey, I like you. You're cool.

FG3: All right. We're at your mercy baby.

FG1 is just starting at me, assessing. 'That look' I get.

Me: Heh. Funny.

We get to the restaurant, the 2 fellas in back get out.

FG3: Thanks for The Ride.

FG2: Yeah. That's the best Ride I've gotten from a woman in a long time.

Me: Oh, how sad for you that must be if I'm the best you've gotten in awhile. wink Bye boys.

FG1 is in the process of paying, says "One sec" to his friends.

FG1: Look, you're really kinda hot. I'll give you a fifsky if you'll take me around the corner and blow me in the parking lot. Really. Look, here's my money.

He pulls a $50. bill out of his pocket.

Me: Wow. That's a lot of money for such a small job. wink I appreciate the offer, really, but just the fare please.

FG1: I just had to try one more time. You're cool. Have a good night.

Me: You too.


"So what are you doing when you drop us off?"

About 2:30a I pick up an older, incredibly unattractive man with a younger, attractive hooker that calls me directly for her car rides. Alcohol fumes are wafting into the car before they even get in. She is swaying as they stand on the corner. He, being a larger fella, sits in the middle of the backseat, she is scrunched up in the corner.

He: Hello sweetie. Can you give us a ride to * Hotel at the airport please.

I make eye contact with him, say "Certainly" and drive off.

After about 30 seconds into the ride I look in my rearview mirror to find him staring at me. I smile, somewhat uncertainly, and he just keeps staring. Great, it's going to be 'one of those' rides, I think to myself and sure enough, he grabs said hooker by the back of the neck and pretty much bends her in half to get her head into his lap.

He: Is this all right with you?

Me: If she leaves anything on the seat I'm going to charge you extra for it.

He: Oh, don't you worry, she won't leave anything on the seat if she knows what's good for her.

I just keep driving. Look in my rear view mirror and he is still staring me in the eye while the rest of him is occupied elsewhere. I just roll my eyes and drive. Next time I look up he is smirking at me for a second, then he gets this confused look on his corpulent face, kinda cocks his head to the side and then looks down.

Next thing I know, he buries his hand in her hair and picks up her head and says "Wake UP, bitch!"

She doesn't so he rolls her into the corner of the back seat. I just drive blithley along, trying not to laugh aloud when he says "Hey Cabbie?" and when I look up into the rearview mirror inquiringly he says "So what are you doing when you drop us off?"

Me: Nothing with you.



Random Stuff ...

... said by me.

I had to take my cab in for repairs not too long ago. The car was wobblin' about a bit and I don't like driving when something is wrong.

I take it to this shop recommended by another driver (my usual guy is outta town for a few weeks).

When I walk in and tell him what the problem is and what I think could be causing it I get that typical 'this is a girl what does she know about cars' look that just irritates the hell outta me.

This guy actually said to me "Now what's a pretty little thing like you know about drive shafts?" And smiled in that ingratiating way.

Me (with a very innocent look on my face) "Isn't that the short little doohickey right next to the turn signal fluid reservoir?" and smiled very sweetly.

It actually took him a few seconds to figure out I was kidding.


"Doll, you're way too cute to need me at the end of the night."

I picked up these two good lookin' fellas from the Marriott at the Waterfront, they were going to this new bar called "Solo".

Me: You wanna go to WHAT bar?

They: Solo.

Me: Well, that doesn't sound like a very promising way to end your night.

Hot Guy #1: Darlin', you don't need to worry none about that.

Me: I imagine. So, that an Irish accent you got goin' on there Cutey? :o)

HG1: Naw. That's pure West Virginia darlin'. You like it?

Me: Words alone cannot convey how much I enjoy a sexy West Virginian accent callin' me 'darlin'.

HG2: Well hell darlin', I'm from Montana and I probably WILL end up going solo tonight, what time you get off?

Me: Mmmmmmmmm ... Just not the same, West Virginia and Montana. But thanks for the offer.

We get to the bar, about an 8 minute drive.

HG2: Well darlin' you have yourself a good night.

He gets out.

West Virginia is still sitting in the back seat digging out his wallet.

HG1: Well darlin', How about I give you my cell phone number. If you get bored at the end of the night you can give me a call.

Me: Doll, you're WAY too cute to need me at the end of the night. I tell ya though, I'd be happy if I could just have you sit in the dark and read "Green Eggs and Ham" to me.

HG1 walks around to the driver side window and says "You got some spunk girl, I like that. You take care now. Here's my card, just in case." and he kissed my hand. :o)~


"Do I LOOK gay to you?"

I get sent to a bar just across the river from downtown to pick up a guy at about 11p. After we exchange greetings he says "I'm not ready to go back to the hotel yet. Can you take me someplace where I can see some naked bodies?"

Me: Certainly. What type of naked bodies you looking for? Boy bodies or girl bodies?

He: Do I LOOK gay to you?

Me: Not necessarily. I just asked because ...

He: I'll have you know, I am MARRIED ... TO. A. WOMAN. And happily for 15 years. I don't know why you would THINK of asking me this. What do you suppose your supervisor would have to say about you being so judgemental to customers? I don't know what's WRONG with you. I think I'm going to have to call your office tomorrow and make a complaint that you would just RANDOMLY decide to ask me if I'm gay. How DARE you!!

He rattled on in this vein for a few moments. I let him go until he said "What do you think about that?"

Me: First off; I didn't ASK if you were gay. I asked what sort of bodies you wanted to see. You didn't specify and I don't make random assumptions. And secondly, I picked you up at a gay bar.

He sorta stared at me for a few seconds and said "But there were girls there too."

Me: Well, girls can be gay too.

He digested that for a moment and said "Ah hell. Just take me back to the hotel. I need to call my wife."


"... But we call him Malibu Ken"

I picked up these 2 young men that called me directly to take them downtown from Gresham (about a 1/2 hr drive) at 10:30p on a Friday. The young man that called me has ridden w/me before, the other hasn't.

We're driving along, trading laughs when the young man up front (Ryan) re-introduces himself. The young man in the back says his name is Caleb.

After I tell Caleb "Hi" Ryan says "But we like to call him Malibu Ken. He likes that."

Me: "Oh Caleb, I'm SO sorry!"

They both look at me blankly for a few seconds and Ryan says "But why say you're sorry? Look at him, he's a pretty boy, he's tan, he surfs and all the pretty girls want him."

I look at Ryan and with a straight face say "Oh WOW! I'm sorry. I thought you called him that because his man parts are missing like all the Ken dolls."

They cracked up. After we got downtown and were almost to the Dixie the friends they were meeting drove by us. I dropped off Ryan and Caleb at the Dixie and drove around the block, their friends were blocking traffic while backing into a parking spot. The passenger walked around and saw me, smiled and walked up to the passenger side of the car, said "Hi there."

Me: Hey, I just dropped off your friends Ryan and Caleb at the Dixie. They were betting on which bar you guys would go to.

He: No kidding? How much?

Me: Twenty bucks.

He: Which one did Ryan say we'd go to?

Me: Ryan said McFadden's. Caleb said Dixie.

He: Cool. I say we run to Dixie and see if we can't get part of that bet out of Ryan.

Me: When you see them, make sure to ask Caleb why it was I thought you guys called him 'Malibu Ken'.

He: Oh gawd, they TOLD you that?!! What'd you say?

Me: Ask Ryan, I'm sure Caleb won't tell you. Bye guys!