I KNOW I should not find this amusing ...

... but I do. I think I've mentioned once or twice that I am going straight to hell, yes?! Anyone wanna ride with ... I'll drive. ;)

I get sent to a call early this a.m. to a Convalescent Care Facility to pick up a fella and take him to his dialysis appt. Instructions say "AMS. Do not leave alone at all" AMS = Altered Mental State. (ya'll can go ahead and use that one when describing your loved ones here on out ;-)

I get there @5:04, 4 minutes late. He's not out front, as they usually are. I walk in - door's not locked, but has an afterhours box and keypad - and have to walk through the greeting room and the lunchroom to find someone; an incredibly unfriendly woman behind a desk with glass to the ceiling, as if trying to prevent a robbery.

She sees me walk up but she's working on paperwork so she ignores me. Being the optimistic bitch that I am ...


She keeps working on her paperwork. No acknowledgment a'tall. Not even looking up yet.

Me: *snort* (and not a subtle one either) Or not.

She: Do you NEED something? still not looking at me.

Me: Naw. I'm just wandering around your secured facility for the hell of it.

Apparently, that got her attention 'cuz she finally looked up at me.

She: What do you want?

Me: I'm here to pick up Mr. Soandso for his dialysis appt.

She: Well, he's sitting by the front door waiting for you, did you not SEE him?

Me: Do you think I'd be up here obviously annoying the bejesus outta you if I HAD seen him?

She: just as non subtle *snort* Well he's been waiting over an hour for you to show, I know he was just there.

Me: Well, I'm only 4 minutes late and he's not there now.

She: Well, did you try his room?

Me: Not my job. You are to bring him to me ... you're responsible for him until I get him into my van. Can YOU check his room?

She painstakingly extricates herself from her chair and goes to the door to look for him. Surprise, surprise, he isn't there. She checks his room, the bathrooms, closest patient rooms. No Mr. Soanso. She goes and gets the charge nurse, they both start wandering about the facility, fairly quickly. I'm waiting in the foyer, reading the paper. One time when they were passing me the charge rn was chewing out Ms. Twitny "... I TOLD you he was not to be left alone. This is why. Just yesterday he crawled out the window because he said his wife was coming to kill him. (Married guys and future Conv Ctr candidates beware!) It took us 2 hrs to find him curled in a fetal position in the smoking area." etc.

They both walk outside to start looking in the streets. Keep in mind; it's 40 deg. out there, wind is blowing and it's been patchy rain all night, we just happened to be in a downpour. I stood in the foyer and waited. And laughed. Not because of Mr. S, but because the unfriendly bitch was getting chewed out.

A night janitor lady came out to join me in watching them walk off. We trade "ain't she a bitch" stories when her phone rings. The charge rn wants her to get in her car and drive around the neighborhood to see if she can find him.

I drive down the street and pick up to the two walking rn's (because I'm just nice like that) and we wander around for a bit, no luck so I take them back to the facility.

I drive off to the charge rn reaming the unfriendly lady a new (pick a noun). They were in the process of calling 911.

After this call I had to go pick up a fella from another conv. ctr. that I get often going to dialysis so we have a friendly rapport going and I told him the story. He had one for me:

Just the day before they had a pt of the same mental stature at their facility that "escaped" as well. No one could find him but they didn't want to call the police because they didn't need any more bad publicity (use your imagination), so what they ended up doing was sending one of the rn's home to get her bloodhound to bring him in and track the guy. (not kidding). They'd found him - or rather the DOG found him - about 4 blocks away, enjoying the sunshine and talking to some guy standing in his yard.

I can't decide whether I'm scared to get old and end up in a facility like this or if I'm excited just so I could mess with people and blame it on the nurses.

TUA: I had to talk to my supv 2 days ago when I went into base to argue basic semantics of my interpretations of their rules (you can bet I lost THAT battle ;), so while I was standing there talking to him someone at work (another driver mind you) came up and rifled my work bag (has my thomas guide, spare visa slips, pens, nothing important) and took a couple of my drawn-on envelopes; my Witch, the first one I showed ya'll (girl with pigtails) and a kinda crappy WonderWoman one.

Whaddaya gonna do with a drawn-on deposit envelope that has my name on it? Thieving bastard.


Anonymous said...

I used to work in a facility like that and they're idiots....such fucking idiots.

Contrary said...

That does it. I will be making my children sign a statement saying that they will just set my ass on an ice floe when I get to be too much of a bother.

Miss Britt said...

Oh no, Funny Judge says - definitely Amusing!

Rick said...

My grandfather, in his younger days, was a night watchman in one of those places. His job... keep the residents from doin' the horizontal mombo. Libido was not a problem, but they had trouble remembering where all the parts were supposed to go.

Mel said...

Oh, shit. They stole your art? That makes me so mad.
When I was 18 I worked in a mall and developed a friendship with a guy who worked down the way. We got to talking one day about poetry, and it turned out that he wrote it too. So I brought in a binder with some of my favorites, which he borrowed, and then never returned. Then he just disappeared, and all my favorite writing disappeared along with him. I was furious. It feels so much more personal when it's something you've created that gets stolen.

Tap3w0rm said...

you picked me up at the crystal last fridat i was with 3 girls and sat in the front seat.

i am the guy with the chick who lives at the holywood library apartments.

I really enjoyed reading this and it takes me back to being a bouncer.

i got the url from the read head who was the last in the group to be droped off just after me. if their was a way to only get you when we go out i would love that.