So I was tooling along Saturday morning ...

... still in the cab because I started reeeel late Friday (I work 7p-7a, started at 4:30a Sat a.m. :o) and my day driver (7a-7p) doesn't work Sat's so I have the cab 36 hrs Fri-Sat. It was about 9:30a and I was downtown, not doing much of anything other than laughing at the line of people 3 blocks long to get into the Grand Opening of Macy's and thinking about going home.

Dispatch offered me an account call from inner NW, off downtown. I figured "one more then I'll go home" as they're usually short. Up pops the info and turns out I'm picking up this woman from her dr's appt and taking her to Gearhart, OR. On the coast. 89 miles from where she is. Flat fee - $150. Good way to top off my morning. ;o)

I get over there and see a coupla folks milling around the office. Great. Abortion clinic. Protesters. This is not gonna be a good time.

I have to wait for a car to pull out, woman driving and the woman in the psgr seat has her hoodie pulled down over her face as the protesters are harassing her. After they get out of my way they turn to me as I'm pulling into the lot. Soon as I step out they're all over me ...

Pro1: God is going to judge you, you're facilitating murder!

Me: Lady, all I'm 'facilitating' here is a cab ride. Get off me.

I walk to the door of the clinic, which is locked, but a guy comes out wearing an orange vest (like a flagger) w/the words "patient safety escort" on his vest and asks me who it is I'm picking up. I tell him her name.

He: I'll go get her. You can come inside if you're uncomfortable out here waiting.

Me: Aw heck no, this could be a good time. I got this. Thanks though.

He: Be careful. It's a slippery slope.

He smiles at me and walks back in. I walk away from the door and the lady starts in on me again. Same basic stuff about me being judged, etc.

Me: Well, I'm guessing I'll have to deal with that when the time comes right?

She: He's judging you right now! Drive away.

Me: 'He's' judging me or YOU're judging me?

She: I am God's handmaiden and ...

Me: You are NOT. Stop that. He WILL however judge you for lying in HIS name.

She: He WILL judge you.

Me: And you think he isn't going to judge you for doing this with a ... what is she ... 6 year old? standing there?

She: She knows all about this, and thank God she does!

Me: Now see, that seems like a sin to me, you should allow this child to be a child, she is WAY to young to dealing with this kind of crap, or looking at those pictures for that matter.

She: She needs to be prepared.

Me: For WHAT? Oh wait, I know, I just read somewhere that 38% if the men that commit child abuse are religious. (I *totally* made that up. Whaddaya gonna do? Judge me? ;o)

She: How DARE you??

Me: So I take it you wouldn't get an abortion? Or help out a friend or family member that needed one? Or leave the poor cab driver alone that is just trying to do their job, right?

She: I would NEVER. I KNOW better than that.

Me: So, basically you're telling me I'm stupid for giving this woman a ride, yes?

She: If you choose to pick up this woman, right now, instead of driving away, then yes, you are stupid.

Me: Seems to me that's another strike in your book ... pride. Isn't that against His rules as well? You are SO going to hell. You might wanna just leave now and go confess your sins in church 'cuz I tell you what, your soul's in danger. Matter of fact, I can drive you there. On second thought, I think I need to get far away from you because I think you're going to be struck by lightning any moment now. Oh, wait ... your God allows you to choose to be standing here, protesting huh? Just like he allows other people the choice of whether or not they want to have an abortion, right?

She: They are KILLING their children! Doesn't that bother you?

Me: I don't worry about that NEAR as much as I worry about what people will do blindly in the name of their God or religion. Why don't you go protest in the middle east? How many children have been killed there, and all over the world, in the name of God? Maybe YOU can be the difference. Never know til you try.

She: I can see you aren't going to be reached. You're a heathen.

Me: Isn't name calling a sin as well? Wow. You're rackin' 'em up here lady. And what I am, is a cab driver. I'm doing my job.

She: And I'm doing mine.

Me: OoooOOOOoooh. You're getting paid for this are ya?

She: Well, um, not now. But I will in heaven. He has a special place waiting for me.

Me: Mm. I'll bet he does. You just keep waiting on that one. In the mean time, I'm going to do my job and help this lady out. Have a lovely day.

They brought her out in a wheel chair and stuck her in my cab and we were off to the most beautiful day I've seen at the coast in awhile. I drove down the beach for a bit and stopped to walk on the sand while I had the chance. Incredible day out there. I got back around 3p.

OK, maybe not one of my best, but I was annoyed.


Not one of my stories, but funny nonetheless ...

I met the 2nd coolest DTV fella not too long ago (the coolest one I ended up giving him my old PS1 for his kid). He and I were chatting and having all kinds of fun shooting the shit and trading stories: I told him about a house I rented a room in with a couple of other guys where the owner came down from Washington during the week and stayed in his room above the garage, all week long, and we hardly ever saw him. Turned out he had 4 different satellite dishes and vcr's set up to record porn all weekend long so when he came down here he would watch the porn. That's all he did. Weirdo. Anyway, DTV guy told me this one:

He: You know that bar on Powell, the small one, about 65th or so?

Me: Um, Gator's maybe.

He: Yeah, that might be it. Anyway, I had to go there one day to hook up DTV for the owner's brother. His brother is somewhat mentally handicapped and missing most of one of his hands. It's a tiny little room with a huuuuge tv, a bed, lots of dvd's - enough to cover an entire wall - and a whole lot of magazines stacked on the floor, on the nightstand, etc. As I'm looking around I realize the dvd's are all porn. Dude had enough porn to start his own store, not kidding.

As I was working I see on his nightstand a roll of paper towels and a big bottle of lotion. So I did what I had to do, as quickly as possible. As I was getting ready to leave and was explaining to him how to use the remote he put the remote under his left arm and reached up to shake my hand. There was no way I was touching that thing 'cuz it was pretty obvious where it had been so I just handed him the remote and skeedaddled on outta there.


Because ....

... I get 'accused' of drawing too many girls. ;o)

Aesthetically, girls are prettier. Fact o' life. Other than the obvious exceptions: Colin Farrell, Brad Pitt, Sebastian Bach ... you know. Although, they are pretty enough to *be* girls. heh

Friend of mine had this in a deck of cards. Talk about a challenge ... I dunno how many of you draw, but to try and draw two of the same picture, exactly?? Not easy.

And can I just say a serious "Thank You" to all of ya'll that read my stuff. I can't imagine I would keep writing this if people didn't keep coming back.


"You don't intimidate me doll."

I get sent to inner NE Ptld to pick up a young woman, she comes out of the house with 6 tall, skinny, young black men, all with braided hair, jeans to their knees, whatnot. All pretty nice guys except for one. Of course he is the one that has to sit up front with me. 3 of the guys follow us downtown in their SUV, we're on our way to VooDoo.

Christine and her boyfriend are in the back. I don't generally let people sit up front if there is less than 4 ppl in my cab so I keep stuff in the front seat to deter folks from sitting there, tonight it's a picture I'm drawing on my clipboard (picture to follow). "Sketch" (which, I'm assuming his mother didn't name him) gets in the back, then decided to crawl up to the front after we started to go so he has to move my picture. He plops down in the front seat and looks at the picture, quietly for a minute. (Best minute of the entire ride, sadly.)

Sk: 1st words out of his gold grilled mouth Well, she looks like a typical white bitch, no ass, no tits, but if she sucks dick then she's all good with me.

I just kinda look at him and talk to Christine and her boyfriend, turns out it's her birthday so I tell her h.b. and all that and Sketch has to pipe up. (Apparently he's not getting enough attention)

Sk: So you're going to give us a discount aren'tcha?

Me: Because it's her bd?

Sk: Yup. You know you are.

Me: I might have before that cocksucking comment. But now I'm thinking not.

The 2 in back laughed, he got mad.

Sk: Don't NO bitch talk to me like that.

Me: It was just a joke, like your comment was. Don't take it personally and I won't take you calling me 'bitch' personally because I'm assuming you call all females that.

Sk: I DO. I don't joke.

Me: Then maybe you should wear a shirt that says 'don't talk to me, I have no sense of humor' instead of one that has a day-glo marijuana leaf on it. he's just glaring at me. Would make sense, wouldn't it? Stop a lot of problems before they start.

Sk: You saying I don't have a sense of humor?

Me: No, you did.

Sk: processing for a few ... Pssht. Whatever.

We drive for another minute or so and cross the Morrison Bridge into downtown. We get stopped at the light on Stark and 2nd and Sketch is glaring out his window.

Sk: to guy in next car What the FUCK you staring at Mother FUCKER? then flips the guy off and starts to roll down his window.

I reach up and lock his window so he can't roll it down. That certainly made him angry after he finally figured out what was going on.

Sk: You BLOCKING me bitch?

Me: Yup.

Sk: What the FUCK!! so now he's just glaring at me. From about 6 inches away, 'cuz getting closer makes it worse. Apparently.

Me: I don't need you starting shit in my cab.

Sk: What? Maybe he started it.

Me: Oh, I doubt that.

Sk: You saying I start shit?

Me: Oh yes, you do. You are with me so why wouldn't you with him? You're an instigator. And proud of it.

Sk: That's right, I AM proud.

Me: I just look over at him and smile. We're almost there. Just calm down and you'll get a ride the last 6 blocks. If not, you are more than welcome to walk from here.

Sk: Shit. You're getting paid to give me a ride. What are you going to do?

Me: But I'm not getting paid to put up with your shit. So in case I wasn't clear enough last time, either shut the fuck up or get the fuck out. Is that in a language you can understand?

He's still glaring at me.

Christine: SKETCH! Let the lady do her job. Damn. Don't give her a hard time.

Me: looking at him glaring at me. I smile. You don't intimidate me doll. I've had a lot bigger than you in my car, and a lot more dangerous. We're here. YOU have a lovely night Sketch.

I tell Christine happy birthday again, she apologizes for Sketch again and we part ways. I look over and he's writing down my cab #. Little shit.

I went around the corner and had to breathe for a minute. That little boy scared the shit outta me, but I couldn't let *him* see that.

Anyway, here's the picture I was drawing (I kid you not, she had these t 'n a when he was looking at the pic. I know *I* see 'em.).

And yes, I know I messed up her hand, I just could not get it right so I gave up and then laminated the dang thing. Had enough.



" ... all you drunken boys look alike to me."

One of the things about signing an 'independent contractor' contract w/our company is that if there is a time when your cab is down they are to provide you with a "spare" car. This usually means that all the cars that are being decommissioned at the end of the year for being too old, too ugly, too crappy running, etc are the ones we get. About 5 out of 7 times since I've started working here and get a spare car I've had it towed in for some sort of mechanical issue. Usually from the middle of nowhere.

Anyway, my car is down. Again. They had no spare cars to ... spare (heh) so I ended up taking a "wheelie van" (wheelchair van). I'm trained, I just choose to drive a sedan instead of a van. Less hassle, more cash. Wheelie vans have the same amount of seat belts as the sedans so they can be used as a regular cab in between the priority wheelchair rides.

I got sent to pick up a couple of different groups of people, one particular group of folks were this younger group of 2 girls, 1 guy going to Union Jacks (dive strip bar w/suicide girl dancers). They come out of their apt and kinda slow when they see the cab. I hop out and open the back drivers side door for them to get in. After they get settled and strapped in the guy recognized me when we got to chatting.

Guy: Hey! I remember you! You took home me and some of my friends one night. Do you remember me?

Me: Yeah? I'm sorry, but all you drunken boys look alike to me.*wink*

Girl1: Idiot. Like she's going to remember your dumb ass with all the people she picks up. Sorry. Please excuse my friend here. He's a little ... slow.

Me: A HA! Now you know why they sent the 'short bus' to pick up you guys. :o)

They thought that was one of the funnier things they'd heard in awhile.


"Can you at least get us to civilization?"

I dropped a lady off in outer SE Clackamas (it's out there) and there is a call in Eagle Creek (even further out) that needs to come back to outer N Ptld (about 40 miles as the crow flies). I call and get the phone number before I head out there (I'm still about 15 miles away and have to go thru the "Carver Curves") to make sure this is legit. I call, the lady at the gas station that called it in said they are still waiting and hadn't called any other cab companies. I tell her I'm about 20 out but on my way.

I get there and along w/some local kids hanging out there at the Chevron (only thing open at that hour for about 20 mins any direction) are the 3 I'm to pick up, 1 guy, 2 girls. All 20 according to them.

They get in, I ask them if they can pay up front.

Girl 1: How much is that going to be?

Me: Right at $80, plus or minus.

G1: WHAT? Man. We were thinking it was going to be about $40.

Me: Well, $40 would get you back to civilization.

Guy: Well, we got $21, how far will that get us?

Me: Into Carver, still no civilization. So, I gotta ask, you thought it would be about $40 but you only got $21? What's up with that?

Guy: Well, we were hoping the driver could help us out. Could you?

Me: As much as I hate to leave anyone hanging, there's no way in hell I'm gonna take you guys into town for 20 bucks.

G1: Well, you're going back that way anyway, right?

Me: Honestly, I'd rather dead-head all the way back, empty and not make any money than to take you guys back into town for 20 bucks. I might have if you would have said something to the dispatcher, but you just wasted about an hr of my time getting out here and back in to town, on a Saturday night at 1a. I'm angry enough to just leave you guys sitting here.

G1: Well, I'm sorry, but we're desperate.

Me: Then you should have been honest instead of trying to screw me, or any other cab driver out of time and money. Now get out so I can head back to town.

G1: Wait, wait wait. Can you at least get us to civilization for $20?

Me: I could, but there is nothing open there, I just came thru so I know. At least here you have someplace that's open so you can hang out until the buses start running in the a.m. So no, I'm not going to take you there and leave you in the open like that.

Guy: All right, hey, we're sorry we did this, do you think you could get us near to Ptld for $40?

The girls start bitching about him holding out on them.

Me: HEY! Bitch at him later. If you got $40, cash, on you right now and pass it up, I'll give you a ride into Ptld.

They pass it up and we get going. I take them to the Winco on 82nd and Causey (only thing open on that corner of town) and give them back $5 so they have bus fare in the morning.


Once upon a time there was this cab driver ...

I used to work w/this guy at Brand X, he started about the same time I did but worked days for about 1.5 yrs then moved to nights when I met him. He didn't become my drinking buddy until a few months ago when I got rid of my ex and we've been amusing each other, platonically, since then. I agree with him that he has no taste in women and will let anyone go down on him and he agrees I have no taste in men and have a big ass. Hrm. What friends are for I guess. :o)

Anyway, a little while back I was sitting at a hotel cab stand early one a.m. and I see ol' Sparky* walking outta the hotel w/this older, quite unattractive lady hanging all over him. They get in his cab and take off with a quickness. I don't think much of it 'cuz he is a cabbie and I have to admit to having a few older ladies hanging off me as well. Nature of the biz sometimes.

I head to base later that day to pay my lease and run into the guy that drives his car during the day. We get to chatting and he asks me if I'd heard about Sparky.

Me: What happened? He ok??

Day Guy: Oh yeah, he's fine. But didja hear what he did last night?

Me: Nope. I saw him this mornin' though, he looked fine. A little rushed, but fine.

DG: Where?

Me: Coming outta the hotel, had some older lady with him.

DG: OMG. It IS true then. HAAAA!

Me: So, what's the story?

DG: That lady he was with was a lady that I picked up yesterday during the day and hauled her to several different places then handed her off to Sparky so he could take her around. Apparently they hit it off pretty well, she asked him to stay the night with her, in her hotel, on the meter(!). I guess the reason they had to rush off this morning was that they had been so busy that she was late for her plane. They missed it so they ended up back at the hotel, that's where they are now.

Me: Re-hEEEEly. Wow. She's kinda ... unattractive.

DG: I know. She kinda scared me.

So I went in the office and was paying my lease and chatting up the ofc mgr and turns how that her n' Sparky had a brief fling a few years back.

OM: Oh yeah. He and I fucked a few times, he's fun to drink with but just be careful 'cuz he'll fuck anything when he gets drunk. (This woman has a mouth that rivals mine, and I *am* a cab driver)

Me: I gathered. You should see this woman he ended up with last night, she looks just like Cruella DeVille Not all that appealing.

OM: Yeah, but I bet she's lovin' every minute of what's going on up there in the hotel. Sparky whinnies when he walks.

Took me a second on that one but I laughed my ass off for a few ... well, haven't actually stopped yet.

The next week I was back in the ofc paying my lease with a coupla the other fellas chatting and in walks Sparky. I still hadn't met/talked to the guy but as tact is not my strong point I just gotta say something. One of the fellas says something to Sparky about his extracurricular activities at the hotel last Friday.

Me: Oh yeah, I heard about that. Was it worth it?

He just nodded.

Me: I saw you guys walking outta the hotel that morning. You sure do like 'em ... mature, dontcha?

He just looks at me for a moment.

Me: But hell, I'm guessing whatever she paid you was worth it 'cuz rumor has it you have a certain "horse-like" quality that all women enjoy in a man.

He blushed. I giggled. We've been friends since.

I still haven't stopped giving him grief about that old lady. Or any of the other one's I've met since then.

*Name has been changed to protect the guilty.


More Random Shorts ( #3 )

1) Got sent to Delta Air Cargo on Airport Way to pickup a lady and her dog and take them to the airport (all of 1/2 mile down the road). Really nice, calm lady and this ... hairless dog/thing in a crate. The dog was up front w/me and the lady in the back. Turns out her van broke down there at the Air Cargo where she was picking up the dog and heading out w/said dog to some dog show somewhere.

The short while she was talking the dog was just sitting in his crate shaking. poor little fella didn't have any hair on him so I thought he was cold. I reached over to try and calm the dog while talking to him and the lady just SCREECHED at me "Don't you TOUCH him!!" Scared the hell outta me. Scared the poor dog as well. I figured that the dog wasn't shaking because he was cold, it was because he was neurotic.

2) Got sent to pick up this young lady from the Moose Hall where she was attending a dance. She is handicapped from a car accident, using a cane, I have to "assist". I get to the Hall, there are hundreds of people there, I finally track her down and help her to the car. She's fairly drunk, not so much in the way of talking or helping with directions. She's back there kinda singing to herself, fairly quietly, then not. At the point where it's somewhat quiet in the car I hear ... something.

Me: Do you hear something? I turn the radio all the way down.

She: Huh?

Me: Do you hear that? I hear someone ... talking. Do you have a cell phone?

She: No, I don't own one.

Me: OK. I don't hear it any longer.

We're tooling along and I hear it again.

Me: I know I hear something. Do you?

She: She reaches up and pulls her headset off, What's that?

Me: Ah. That explains it, you're wearing a headset. I'm hearing your music.

She: Actually, I record Smallville and am listening to it now.

Me: ... Uuuuhhhok.

She puts her headset back on and turns on her cassette player. We're tooling along and then I hear her starting to speak the words to her recording. I now know more about Lex and Lois then I ever wanted to.

3) Picked up this older, drunken gent from a smaller bar in the skirts one night, dude looks like a skinnier version of Jerry Garcia, stringy gray hair, unkempt, you know, and he has a really deep voice, not really a sounds-like-satan creepy, but oddly deep. I know I'd heard it before, just couldn't figure it out. Finally comes to me when dude says he wants to "... go home and eat some biscuits. Mmmhmm." Dude sounds just like Billy Bob from "Sling Blade". I laughed every time he says something the rest of the ride.

4) Sitting at a red light downtown one night, people walking across the street in front of me when a group of drunken young boys walk by:

DB: Hey hey HEY!! When did cab drivers start looking like you baby?

Me: Yesterday. It's a new law passed by the city. I drove off to their laughter.

5) Driving along behind a Washington County Cop t'other night I see a little sticker on the bumper while sitting at a light "Nationally accredited since 2004". Hm. That one got me wondering.

6) Drove by a vacuum shop t'other night and their advertisement said "Our Vacuum's have Serious Suckage". Made me smile.


"Hi there. Are you Anne?"

I got sent to Tuality ER in Hillsboro late one night to pick up a young lady going to Milwaukie. That's a good 1/2 hr run driving fast so I was gonna be with her for awhile. I get to the ER and have to go inside to get her. I see a couple of people sitting in the waiting room, mostly coupled up and one youngish lady off to herself watching tv. I walked up to the lady ...

Me: Hi there. Are you Anne?

She: Yes. Hi. she stands up and starts to gather her things My name is actually Anna. Ann-UH. But that's ok. Anne works too because if you were to pronounce my name as I was actually named like my Grandmother it's AWWW-na, not Anna or even Anne. But on the Welsh side of my family it's pronounced Awwwna, because that's what my grandmother was, Welsh. I was named after her because she was my dad's mother and he was always meaner than my mom and her mom - my other grandmother - was named Mabel and my dad didn't want to have a daughter named Mabel so I got Awwwna. Are you my cab driver? I've never seen a woman cab driver before. I've had lots of cab drivers because I get sick a lot and I always have to take a cab home. Well, at least it's a free ride and I'm a long ways from home out here. I was out here for the flea market and I had taken the MAX but when I was ready to go home someone lit up a cigarette, even thought it's against the law to smoke at the MAX stops now but he wouldn't put it out. Even when I asked him, politely, and told him that I have asthma he just kept smoking and smoking and smoking and I kept telling him how bad smoking was for him and for me. You don't smoke do you? Because I know that sometimes cab drivers smoke even though it's illegal for you guys to smoke in your car and ...

The whole time she's rattling this off I'm just standing there, staring. I know my jaw had to have dropped and I was seriously considering running away at that moment. I mean, can you imagine 1/2 an hour with this woman? Well, whatever you can imagine, it was much, MUCH worse.



I picked up this group of drunken younger fellas heading out to a bachelor party and - as they do - the loudest, funniest of the group sat up front with me.

Me: Hey fellas. So who's the lucky guy?

Guy In Front: It's me!! I'm getting married in the morning so I totally have to see all the naked women I can tonight before I can never, ever look at another naked woman again.

Me: You mean, other than your future wife, right?

GIF: You're funny. HeeeEEeeeyyy, do you think you might be willing ...

Me: Nope.

GIF: Whaddaya mean?

Me: WhatEVER it was you were about to propose the answer is no. So don't ask. Don't even think it. Concentrate on your lovely wife-to-be and how happy she is going to be that you're out here checking out what you'll never get again.

GIF: Oh, and she sure is happy about this party, lemme tell ya.

Me: She didn't want you to go tonight, izzat what you're saying?

GIF: Gawd, you have no idea how angry this made her. But I'm going anyway 'cuz I'm not going to let no woman ruin my time with my boys.

I hear the typical "Bros before Ho's" comments from the backseat.

When we get to the strip joint (Union Jacks) one of the fellas in the back seat is digging money out of his pocket to pay me and GIF is trying to drunkenly open the door to get out.

GIF: Hey, what's the deal here? Why can't I get out. Oh, I get it, you want to keep me hostage in here so you can do all kinds of nasty things to me all night long, huh?

Me: Actually, your wife-to-be paid me to not let you out of the cab.


He throws a big enough fit that one of his friends opens the door and lets him out. He practically fell out on the ground, rights himself and just stares at me as if I was sent by Satan.

Friend: Dude! You were kinda freakin' out in there. What happened?

GIF: I think she knows Katie. Holy Shit!!