Recycling an old story ... Some Do's and Dont's of Cabbing

I wrote this one about 4 yrs back. This is all still pertinent and I've added one or two more. :)

DO: Talk to your cab driver. You might enjoy it.

DO: Turn on your damned porch light!! If you expect to get to the airport at some un-godly hour and I have to get out and walk up to every single house to see a damned address because the entire street has their lights off then damn it, I'm going to be late.

DO: Call back and cancel your call if your idiot friend comes back and you decided to ride w/their drunken ass back to where ever.

DO: Let me know if you aren't feeling well. Don't make me find out the hard way. It makes for an unhappy cabbie.

DO: Actually have the means to pay the fare before you get in the cab.

DON'T: Sit in the front seat if you're the only person in the cab other than me. I load up the front seat w/crap for this very reason. And don't insist on it even after I ask you to sit in back. It's a comfort issue. Mine. Not yours.

DON'T: Let the first words out of your mouth something along the lines of a) 'have you ever been robbed?' b) 'do you ever feel scared?' c) 'ever get somewhere and have someone run without paying?' Any combination of these will likely get you on the side of the road waiting for another cab.

DON'T: Complain to me that every single cab driver you've ever gotten doesn't speak english. Not my fault. When the powers that (shouldn't) be decide to make it illegal to work in this country if English isn't your first language THEN you can complain. To them. Not me.

DON'T: Call the 3 major cab companies in Ptld because you're in a hurry and take whichever shows first w/out calling the others and cancelling. Not cool.

DON'T: Touch the driver! Just ... don't.

DON'T: Think that just because I'm a woman driving a cab I'm desperate enough to sleep with you. I don't care how charming your drunk ass thinks you are ... I'm saying you aren't.

DON'T: Flash the camera. Seriously. I don't want to see your boobs. I have my own and odds are fairly decent they're better than yours.

DON'T: Get jealous when your bf is giving me directions. I am no one's competition. If he's willing to go out w/your drunk ass then I probably don't want him anyway.

And a BIG DON'T: Don't look down on me because I'm a cab driver. I'm not living on the street. Or popping out kids to live off welfare. Or trying to cheat the system. I HAVE a job. It may not be glamorous, or something you would do. But give me the smallest modicum of respect for having a job and being able to use that word in proper context.


"... told him she was only 17 know what he said?"

Sometimes as the cab driver I am invisible to those ppl that wouldn't deign to speak to me. I get it, I do. BUT ... I think they should be a bit more careful about what they speak about. Just 'cuz I'm invisible doesn't mean I'm deaf.

I picked up the director and lead camera guy for a t.v. show that's being filmed here in Ptown every year ( 4 seasons now). I got this from listening to them talk. Our ride ended up being a bit longer than necessary 'cuz instead of them telling me where they wanted to go they gave me an address. When I got them there and quizzed 'em on it turned out they wanted the other side of the bridge. No big deal. Learned some interesting things about some of the actors on the show.

BTW: Not going to say which show (can you say "law suit"? :) but let's say the main actor they're talking about is named ... James. James ... Button. Yeah. (who I've picked up a few times and honestly, is getting a rep around town for being unfriendly to the "help" so I don't feel bad talking about him ... anonymously that is. :)

Dir: Well, what can you expect? She's over 40 so of COURSE she's going to try and tell you how to light her while filming.

Cam: Did I tell you what James did?

Dir: Oh God. What now?

Cam: He was standing next to one of my assistants and saw so-and-so's daughter and told him to get her number for him.

Dir: NOOOO! This guy is killing me ... covering his ass all the time. He'll fire us all if he finds out.

Cam: I know. But when my assis. told him she was so-and-so's daughter and he thought about it for a minute...

Dir: Tell me he changed his mind??

Cam: No! When my assis. told him she was only 17 know what he said??

Dir: I'm afraid to hear.

Cam: He told my guy "So give her MY number and tell her to call me."

Dir: I keep telling these people to stop using their under-aged kids as extras. Shit! We have to find a way to get her off the set w/out so-and-so finding out.

AND ... we have a new section to this lovely blog boys and girls ... Viewer Mail! In which our heroine will show the emails sent to her and respond w/something probably snarky. :)

My email:

Been reading your blog for a while now and have never commented or posted, however, thought it was time to do so. First and foremost, you are a very talented writer and artist and I’m grateful that you share those talents with the world.
Secondly, I have shared your blog with several other PDX’ers, and I always get asked “Is that picture really her?”. I of course have to tell them “Don’t know, I’ve never met her. I’d like to think it is!”. Followed by “Every day I find myself going out of my way to look at the driver of every cab I see. I’d like to tell her how much I appreciate the stories and art.”
So that brings me to the third and final part of this e-mail...Is the picture on your blog you?
Please keep sharing with the world!

Dear Dennis:

I appreciate and thank you for your comments and readership. As much as I'd like to say this is me, it's not. It's some random pic found on the webz. If this were me I would imagine this would be a whole different blog and I'd be making *much* larger tips. ;)
Keep looking though. Imagine there has to be at least one cab driver out there that looks like this.

Although I will say I got a $50 tip earlier this morning. Not a very interesting story: some drunken idiot trying to get me to "dance" with him while we were driving and I finally had to slap his hand for playing w/the buttons on my meter and my radio. Seems I make more when someone is trying to apologize for being an ass. Could make for interesting blog fodder tho.


"So ... you waited until she bent down to tie her shoes?"

I picked up a couple from The Kennedy School and took them to a friends' home in outer SE Ptown. We were chatting and got around to the "where are you from" variety of questions. After a few hilarious questions/answers I get that He is from Utah, she is from LA.

Me: I used to live in Sandy, UT but never in LA. Gotta be quite a culture shock huh?

He: Yeah. It's rough being from Utah and being liberal.

Me: What? NO. Is that even possible?

He: And to make it better I'm a Jew.

Me: Holy Chri ... wow. And they LET YOU OUT??

He: Well ... yeah. I suppose. But don't tell anyone.

Me: Hunh. So it wasn't so much a "get out of town and club a woman over the head to take her back and procreate" as it was an "escape plan" eh?

She: Yeah, 'cuz us 6 foot tall Chinese women are so easy to club.

Me: looking at them in the rear view So ... you waited until she bent down to tie her shoes?? :)

They were funny folks. Here for a wedding.


Customer comment ... this might amuse you. :)

It did me. ;)


Whats goin' on? This is Chad #1. ...or two. ...or three, or whoever I am... At any rate, I am the man with the "narrow" He-man embossed ass. First, I love your site dedicated to sharing stories of drunken ass holes with God-knows-what tattooed to their asses; cracks my shit up. Keep up the good work by the way. Anyhow, I was mostly all shit-housed drunk - as were the other Chads that night - however, and correct me if I'm wrong, I recall somewhat recall a cell phone camera and a discount for showing said ass art. Needless to say, I was a little bummed out when pictures of my ass weren't on your web site. Now let me tell you. I didn't go through a drunken night of ass tattooing with my tattoo artist friends for my own benefit. Hell no! I did this for the good of humanity all together! hahaha I did this so that people could see it and laugh and say things like, "What an idiot!" It's the American Dream! hahahahaha

So, if you happen to have the aforementioned picture, put that shit up there! hahaha I can send you another one if you don't though. :)

I'm just giving you a hard time. Thanks for the site, and keep as all entertained.

-Chad #1. ...or two or three or whatever.......

If he sends me the picture I am totally putting this on my blog. :) This is the story of 6-27-11.


This would be hilarious if ...

... the guy wasn't blind.

You'll see. I think I might have done this to a drunk friend in college. :)

I was sitting in the taxi line at the airport waiting to pick up whomever was next when the 'port helper walked a dude out to me w/his luggage and put him in the back seat of my cab. I put his luggage in the trunk and hopped in the car.

Me: Hey there. How you doin'?

He: Fine. Thanks. It was a good flight. I need to go to the Marriott.

Me: K. Which one?

He: Is there more than here? Someone told me this was a pretty small town.

Me: Portland?? We like to think so, but no, 2.5 million w/the 'burbs. And 5 Marriott's just in downtown. Any ideas which one?

He: Not really. Can you get my itinerary out of my luggage? It's in the outside zipper.

Me: Sure.

I hopped out and got into his luggage and pulled out the paperwork ... Mapquest printed out. I was a bit confused by the address until I looked a little closer. Portland, MAINE.

No shit.

Wow. I didn't even know where to go from there. There are cabs lined up behind me waiting for me to get out of the way and I'm just standing there drawing a complete blank. I waved the cabs around me and waved the starter ('port helper) over to me and told him what was going on. I know I wouldn't believe some cab driver if they told me I was on the wrong end of the country so I called in some back up.

Poor dude in the cab finally got out to sit on a bench and make a few phone calls.

While the starter was helping dude back to the bench there was this HOT young man standing there waiting to talk to the starter. We eyeballed each other for a coupla seconds and he smiled at me in a VERY promising way. He started walking towards me, and as I turned to open the door for him this big ol' scary flannel wearing woman walked up from the other way, said "Thanks" and hopped in. Damn it. :)


"It's OK ... who's she going to tell?"

I picked up the wide receiver and punter for our PSU Vikings football team t'other night. The WR was the chatty one, Punter didn't say much. They were both pretty drunk, going from the Cheerful Tortoise to the Barrel Room, short ride.

WR: How you doing tonight?

Me: I'm having at least 3 types of fun tonight. How 'bout you fellas?

WR: We're ... wait? 3 types? What three?

Me: Mental, physical and emotional.

WR: Well, you're pretty quick.

Me: That's called being sober hun. What're you fellas up to tonight? Other than the obvious I mean.

P: Obvious? What do you think we're up to? and he said this with the HOTTEST Australian accent ... not that they aren't all hot to my untrained ear. and beating heart

Me: Holy Baby Jesus you sound CUTE! and wow, he was good looking too.

WR: Yeah. That's what all the girls say.

Me: I bet that isn't all they say to him.

WR: So what do you think we're doing?

Me: I think you're taking this guy to the bar to pick up women.

WR: Now how did you guess? That's exactly what I'm doing. I'm lazy. I just sit back and let him do the fishing for me.

Me: Like fishing in a drinking glass with that accent I imagine.

WR: Yeah, if I'm lucky I might get one of the cast-offs from the 2 or 3 he picks up.

Me: Oh c'mon now, you look like you might clean up pretty well yourself. If you were to maybe wear something besides that nasty old shirt and shorts.

WR: Yeah. Guess I could have changed my shirt, this one hasn't been washed in a week.

P: I wouldn't advertise that if I were you.

WR: It's OK ... who's she going to tell?

Who indeed.


Random violence to my cab ...

I got sent to "Mystic" to pick up this 20 yr old dancer. When I pulled in there was a group of popped collar young men walking towards me to get to their car(s). One was staggering all over the parking lot and dropped his cigarette about 15 feet in front of my cab.

Took him quite a bit of maneuvering to get from where he was to the ground to get the cigarette, then he had a hard time re-standing. I just stopped and waited.

After all his friends had walked by (and smiled at me) he got motor-vating forward towards his friends. He eyeballed the cab as he walked by, said "Fucking Foreigners" quite loud and kicked the fender of my cab. Just 'cuz.

I shoulda ran him over.

I picked up a gent from the airport, his home was downtown at the St Claire bldg so I had to wander up Burnside to get there last night. For those of you that don't know Ptld, W Burnside (and parts of East) are like running a gauntlet of drunks and/or idiots. Tonight as I was driving up the Burnside w/this guy I was on the sidewalk-side of the road as some tourist was parked in the middle of the road trying to make an illegal left.

I heard a weird "plop" and looked to my right, there was this ha-UGE pile of bird crap on my passenger side windshield. I couldn't help it, I just blurted out

"Wow! That bird was FULL! I'm impressed it could still fly."

Then had to point out to Dude what I was talking about (check out the picture below). We were only about 3 blocks from his house so I got him where he was going. After he paid I got out to get his luggage outta the trunk and walked around front to look at the "damage" the bird did. Turns out it was all over the hood and up over the windshield and onto the roof of the cab. After taking some time to admire the sheer talent of that bird I looked at it a bit closer ... it was birthday cake. Chocolate w/white frosting.

Wasn't so impressed after that.


"I'll take $5.00 off the fare if you show it to me."

Picked up these 3 hot guys from up off Broadway Drive going to Sassy's (strip joint) not too far away across the river. Big, loud guy is named Tyson. He's the chatty one, thinks he's a gift to all woman-kind so of course he thought he had my number. :) The cute, small guy is up front w/me texting w/his woman and the guys in back are giving him a hard time.

Tyson: He's not texting ... he's writing his memoirs up there.

Cutie: No, not his memoirs. He's telling his girl he's staying at home since she's gone this weekend.

Tyson: Yeah. At home! Um ... reading a book!

They were laughing and stopped talking for a moment so I said:

Me: You know that's not what we want you doing while we're gone, right?

Tyson: Oh yeah! We got a woman in our car! What IS it you want us to do when at home when you're out of town? DO. TELL.

Me: Well, if you're going to stay home we want you composing poetry to our beauty. All of them looked at me like I'd lost my damn mind and not a one of 'em had anything to say to that. I took pity on 'em ... Unless of course the book you're reading is how to better pleasure us while you're doing the dishes.

Tyson: Oh YEAH! I KNEW I'd like you!! You really need to go to the bar w/us.

Me: Ha. as we pull up to the bar Bye boys ... don't let Tyson get you arrested.

Tyson: But if we did you would totally bail us out right?

Me: No, but if you'd like to give me your girl's phone number I would certainly call her. I'm sure there is plenty of stuff her n' I could chat about.


Picked up these 3 we're-with-the-band looking fellas going across the river from downtown to about 57th NE Sandy. Nice enough guys, laughing and whatnot. Drunk.

He1: Hey. We're all named Chad.

Me: Reeeeally?

He3: Oh yeah. And we're all from South Dakota. And we're all named Chad. What are the odds huh?

Me: Are you guys brothers? Tell me you're all brothers 'cuz the odds of that being funny are pretty darned tall.

He1: No. We just met.

Me: Tonight?

He2: Yes.

Me: Aaaaaand now you're all going home together. Hunh. Wasn't there a movie about that? Some cowboys that just met ... from South Dakota ... they get out of town together ... ?? :)

Hootin' and hollerin' and then we find out that He1 (who's sitting up front) has a tattoo of He Man on his ass. Apparently it's quite the draw at the bars.

Me: Color me intrigued. Can I see it? I'll take $5.00 off the fare if you show it to me.

And he did. Tiny little ass, big tattoo. But well done.


Same story. Different players. Different script.

I picked up a girl and 2 guys from in front of the Barrel Room last night. Pretty people. Girl was a bit angry, she got up front with me. From the conversation I got that they were friends, not significants and out for her 27th bday. It was a pretty long ride considering we only went about 5 miles from where I picked them up, but that could be because the girl didn't shut up a'tall the whole ride and all she did was bitch and whine.

Basically her complaints were: "Oh my God I'm OLD. I might as well be dead. I don't know what's wrong w/my douchebag friends. No one loves me any longer. No one listens to me any more. All my friends want to stab me in the neck w/a knife. WTF is wrong w/them?" Different variations of the same stuff. It got very annoying, very fast. She decided to bring me into the conversation ...

Annoying Little Bitch: Why are my douchebag friends such assholes?

Me: Maybe it's 'cause you're calling them 'douchebags'. Wouldn't that annoy you? I've heard you say it like, 6 times in the last 2 minutes and I'm pretty annoyed.

She stopped talking to me and started in on the guys again.

We're going up over Burnside to the West side of town and at about Skyline is when it got real ugly. I had already turned up the radio a couple of times to drown her out (for which the guys thanked me) when she finally got on the guy's nerves.

Boy1: Liz. Christ. Would you just shut up. You're being a princess right now.

ALB: Why don't you just STFU Ben. I don't know who the fuck you think YOU are. etc etc again.

Boy2 in the meantime had passed out sitting behind me.

I reached up and turned the radio up again. Boy1 reached up and patted me on the shoulder and said "Hey. I'm sorry my friend is being such a bitch."

Me: Welcome to my world Dude. :)

ALB: "Welcome to my world." Yeah right. All you fucking do is drive around and look stupid.

Me: reaching up to turn the radio down Look little girl, I realize you're having a bad night, but don't start fucking w/me.

ALB: Well, that IS what you do, right? Drive around and look stupid. I don't know why you have to jump in the middle of MY conversation.

Me: I was talking to Ben so you actually jumped in the middle of OUR conversation. A little word of advice: you ...

ALB: What? HUH? Is it advice on how not to be STUPID?

Me: Oh wow. pulling over into the 24 hr QFC at Miller/Barnes Actually, yes. It is. I was going to say "you should try not to piss of your driver before they get you where you're going" but now it's too late.

ALB: Why are you pulling in here? Did we TELL you to pull over? Can't even follow simple directions. No wonder you're a cab driver.

Me: I'm pulling over because you're getting out. Here. Now.

After a bit of arguing they all got out. They guys didn't want to but since they couldn't shut her up and I don't leave women on the side of the road alone ... you know.

Same story. Different script.



It was a rough weekend ...

First and foremost it was Father's Day. Happy FD Dad - where ever you may be. :)

Then in Portland we had two other BIG things happening this same weekend:

1) It was Pride weekend in Portland. Lots of people here for the festivities and parade. Oddly enough, I haven't - yet - heard of a single hate issued crime happening. It was good times for all. The weather was nice enough and seemingly everyone was happy.

2) The other was the Naked Bike Ride on Saturday night. Yearly and international event (although I read that there are only 4 cities in the US that do it), people protesting cars. It's always amusing ... last year we had 13000 people riding, this year is estimated at about 9-10K. Not everyone is completely naked, although many are. A lot of people standing around gawking and yelling, and sadly, many people just trying to get around but stuck in traffic. I try, every time something of this nature comes to downtown to stay out of town, but there is always someone that wants to go downtown. ::sigh:: It's a rough life. And unfortunately I got stuck 1/2 way across the Hawthorne Bridge as the Ride was starting because everyone in front of me had to stop their cars.

Anyway, pictures stolen from someone's blog and when I say "rough weekend" what I really mean is "incredibly amusing to those of us that are sober" especially when we think about the amount of talcum powder sold in Ptld on Sunday. :)


Talk about trying to "... sink my spirits"

(thank you Sarah! :)

I got sent to the Acropolis to pick up some dude and - turns out - his 2 women at about 11p. One he knows, the other is friend of his friend, just met. The Acrop is one of the more popular strip joints in town. Lots of ppl go there, especially those from outta town. Just a few miles south of dntn.

Seems they got booted outta there early 'cuz (my opinion) dude was being a dick. He's drunk, the girls aren't but they're pretty much going along w/what he says. And he's saying a LOT.

He: Take us dntn to the Crowne Room. You know where that is?

Me: Yup. How ya'll doing tonight?

He: ignores me and starts bitching at the Friend Of the Friend I don't know what the FUCK I said to you to turn you into such a bitch but you don't even KNOW me. What the fuck? I want to know. You stopped talking to me before we even got kicked out. What the FUCK is wrong with you? HUNH? she ignores him and stares out the window - she is sitting behind me

Friend: in a very quiet voice Please don't talk to her that way.

He: Shut up. You know what I'm talking about. Why can't you even talk to me? HUNH? I mean. Damn.

FOF: Please just leave me alone.

He: OOOOHHH. NOW you talk to me. You wouldn't talk to me all fucking night and NOW you talk to me. I mean. SHIT. I know what it is. You think it's about the money. Just because I grew up in Lake Oswego and have all the money in the fucking world you think I'm a dick. But I'm here to tell you Sweetheart that has nothing to do with it. Sure, my parents are rich. SURE I can get any woman I want but I don't even WANT you and you're being a bitch to me. I tell you what, it's NOT about the money. It's about YOU being a bitch.

Friend: Please. Just stop yelling at her.

He: WHAT? Now you're on HER side? What the fuck??? I tell you what BABE, I could buy and sell 10 of you bottle blond bitches and you would all be naked on your fucking KNEES scrubbing my fucking TOILET and fucking LOVING IT.

They both just looked down at their laps and didn't say anything. Well, I had heard enough.

Me: Dude, seriously. Stop yelling in my cab.

He: looked at me for a minute Let me tell you what happened and then maybe YOU can tell me why she thinks I'm being such a fucking asshole. We were in the bar

Me: interrupting Dude. I really don't want to hear your story, I just want you to stop yelling in my cab.

He: But this bitch is

Me: again DUDE. Stop calling the girls names and stop yelling in my cab. Seriously. I don't want to hear it any longer.

He: Sheeeet. What the fuck do YOU know anyway??

Me: pulling over I know you need to get out.

Everyone just kinda looks at me for a few seconds.

He: Yeah. Maybe I DO I was tired of riding with you anyway. But I tell you what, I am paying for these bitches rides because neither one of them have any fucking money so if you want to get paid then you aren't going to kick us out.

Me: I'm sorry you misunderstood me. I am kicking YOU out. Not the girls. And I will give the girls a ride wherever it is they need to go. For free.

He: Fine. opening the door What the FUCK EVER. and before he gets out he has one last parting shot at me Hey. Ya know what? Stay fat bitch.

Me: couldn't help it, I started laughing Oh wow! All your mommy and daddy's money and that's the BEST parting shot you could come up with?? They must not have spent much on your education Doll. Get the hell outta my cab.

He does. Slams the door and walks off.

Me: So. You girls still want to go to the same bar downtown?

After they got done staring at me they say yes.

FOF: Wow. Everyone was catering to him all night. I can't believe you talked to him like that.

Me: Dude was being a dick. I don't have to listen to that shit even if you do. jab jab

Friend: Still. We can pay for the cab ride by the way so you don't have to worry about it. Thank you though. He was outta control. And disrespectful. Oh my God. I can't believe he said that. You aren't even that big.

Me: I've been called a lot worse than that Darlin'. Trust me. It's all part of the job.

So as we're tooling along the girls are chatting about how they're going to get him to pay for the vacation they're taking the next week. I hear 'Hey, we can just say that my feet hurt and that the cab driver wasn't mean to us like she was to him.'

Apparently for some, money does make the world go 'round.


I try, but I can't save 'em all ...

Stupid drunk girls. I get so irritated when a girl is so drunk she doesn't know where she is or what - or who - she is doing.

I get flagged in front of the Barrel Room downtown last night. 2 foreign guys and a very intoxicated American girl. Very. Head rolling, snorting, leaning to the side drunk. She's in the middle. They are going to one of the guys apartments, just across the bridge, 8 minutes away.

I hear a lot of stupid shit coming out of the back seat, but what I'm hearing most is "Wait a minute, WHO are you guys? Where's Chrissy? Are you friends of hers? Do I know you?" type of questions from her.

One guy is saying he has a g/f so he is just going along to make sure she is o.k. drinking more at the apartment.

We get to the apt and they are having a hard time getting her out of the cab, physically. She's just kinda ... sitting there. So I finally pipe up:

Me: Hey. Are you OK?

She: Um ... yeah. I think so.

Me: Are you sure you want to go with these guys?

Guy: Hey. She's all right. Come on let's go.

Me: Hush now. HEY. Are you SURE you want to go with these guys?

Other guy: You shut up! She is our friend, we will take care of her.

She: Um ... my friends. Do you know Chrissy?

Me: Dude, back away from the cab - RIGHT NOW so I can talk to your "friend". NOW. they both backed off Hey. Listen to me ... very carefully. Are you sure you want to go with these guys?

She: Ummmm. Sure. They're my friends. I think.

Me: It sounds to me like you just met these guys. If you want to go some place else, ANYWHERE I will take you right now. Can we call your friend Chrissy? I don't think you want to go home with these guys. Really.

She: sorta rolls her eyes at me Oh my God. You sound just like my mother. Mind your own fucking business. I'll go home with ... with ... you know. Do What I Want.

Me: Are you SURE?

She: trying to figure out how to get the door open Let me OUT of here! one of the guys opens the door and she stumbles out FUCK YOU MAN. You're just the cab driver ... don't JUDGE me.

One of the guys pays me and they help her in the door.

I can't save 'em all. I'll probably read about her on the internet some day. Stupid drunken ... pssht.


So we got this new guy ...

that started just a few months back. Very sweet, VERY not-cab driver material but Dude needed a job, right? I ran into him the 1st time the day after he started, he was parked at an Albertson's in Gresham (outer NE Ptld) and I pulled in there to kill time so decided to chat. He needed help w/the computer and had all kinds of questions that I answered. Seriously, sweetest guy in the world.

Ran into him again off and on the last few months. I keep teasing him because Dude hasn't been to downtown Ptld, says he's afraid to go down there. He knows the eastside and prefers to stay out there.

Last time I ran into him:

Me: You made it downtown yet?

He: Maybe someday.

Me: You need to get yer ass down there, you'll make more money. Especially on the weekends and holidays. There's some bad 'hoods out here. You stay on this side of town and you'll get shot. :)

We laugh and go about our business.

SO ... what happens tonight ... Dude gets shot.

Shit you not. He's fine, drove his car to work and then went home after dealing w/the cops. I'm not laughing about this, and I don't think I ever will, but this is so the type of thing I would tell someone else "Hey, it's funny NOW." Ya know what I mean? Pssht.

It wasn't a customer. Worse. Just somebody randomly shooting at cars driving by. It's a bad neighborhood ... NE 130th and Sandy (for those of you that know) and NOT ONLY did they shoot at him (in the passenger side window, out the back drivers) but they also shot another cab right after the cops left. Another window. Driver not hurt at all.

Probably just some punk kids but still ... bastards.



Random comments that horrify people ...

Wandering about w/a couple from outta town late at night. We were getting close to the address they were looking for so I was driving slowly looking and not really paying attention to what they were saying. We had been yucking it up the whole way from the airport ...

She: Oh wow ... I can't believe people actually say that kind of stuff!

Me: Oh, you know, throw some alcohol in the mix and people will say anything.

She: So, how would you describe your job?

Me: looking ... Ummmm cross between a baby sitter and looking human trafficker.

That one's going on my business card. :)

And here's an old one that I find amusing that I'm gonna recycle for your amusement:

Young friendly couple in my cab looking through the want ads looking at the help wanted section.

He: What do you suppose that is?

She: I don't know. Hey driver, what do you think a "hay fluffer" is?

Me: Someone that blows the donkey for the animal porn. :)

PSA: I'm taking the "reactions" part of my comments off the blog. Sorry if that bothers anyone but I prefer to read comments/reactions rather than just see how many people clicked "funny" or whatever.


Bachelor party

I picked up a coupla fellas that escaped from Idaho for one of the guys bachelor party, they were bar hopping in 2 cabs for the night. I took them from downtown to Sassy's just across the river. They were funny and making fun of the bachelor.

FriendI: to me Our friend here is trying to enjoy his last free night as a single man ... can you show us a good time?

Me: Nah. The bachelors always get angry with me ... I'll just take you guys where you wanna go.

Bachelor: Whaddaya mean we get angry with you?

Me: I'm the one driving you to where you get to watch your friends have fun and drool over the women that you will never, EVER have again. Always makes you guys angry by the end of the night.

Fr1: Yeah man! Never again! She's got it ... you're stuck w/one pussy for the rest of your life!!!

Bach: It's all right man ... it could be a lot worse. She's all right. I'll just throw some grits and honey on it and we'll be fine.

Fr1: "... throw some grits on it"?? Man. WTF you talking about??

Bach: I'm from down south. We throw grits on everything and it's all right.

Everyone in the car is really quiet and just staring at the bachelor and I pop up ...

Me: Well. Just from a woman's point of view: we don't want you throwing no grits on ANYthing ... but most especially not on our bodies.

Bach: after everyone quit laughing But ... everything's better with grits on it.

Me: Nooooo, everything's better with BACON on it, but we don't want you putting any of that shit on us either.

Fr1: She's right there man. Bacon makes it all good. But I'm curious, why wouldn't you want us putting anything on you?

Me: 2 reasons. One, you guys don't eat it all ... no matter how much shit you talk. You know it, we know it and it just makes a mess. And two: you aren't the ones cleaning it all up afterwards.

We all laughed and more than 1/2 of them agreed with me.

Bach: Wow ... this has got to be the best cab ride EVER. You're funny!!

Me: You wanna see funny?? Lemme have your fiance's phone number ... now THAT would be amusing. :)

Bach: Hell no ... I'm not stupid!!

Fr1: I have her phone number ... wait ... even better I think you should be my date to the wedding tomorrow!!

Bach: Dude ... what are you trying to do to me ... she'd kill me!

I got 'em over to Sassy's and the Fr1 got me to give him a ride to the ATM a few blocks away where he tried to convince me I needed to go to the wedding w/him.

I declined. :)


"I bet you just looooove Yanni now huh?"

Picked up this younger-ish couple (25 +/-) wandering about in inner NW Ptld. They flagged me down and hopped in. They'd gotten lost and gave me directions on how to get where they were going on the other side of downtown "... just near the Marriott on Naito."

We're off. They're from Corvallis - a backwater town about 2 hrs southeast of here where OSU is - and they're laughing about someone saying something about them being husband/wife.

She: I don't understand why everyone assumes we're either husband and wife or brother and sister. Can't a man and woman just be friends?

Me: I thought they were mutually exclusive if you're from Corvallis ... husband/wife ... brother/sister ... :)

He: I can see that. We're not actually from there, we just moved there.

So we make s'more fun of the town and guy asked me about the game I was listening to on the radio ...

Me: Mariners and Texas Rangers. It's pretty much the only thing you can find on the radio for sports around here.

She: I can't listen to sports on the radio. It's so boring.

He: Baseball isn't so bad. At least you can follow it.

Me: It's not like watching golf. And it certainly beats the hell outta soccer! Holy Baby Jesus I tried, I reaaaallly tried to listen to the game last night but man I gotta say it was like going to a Yanni concert ... beYOND boring.

We all laughed and chatted s'more.

I got 'em to where they were going - The Keller Auditorium.

Me: So, what's going on here tonight?

He: We're going to a Yanni concert.

Me: HA! That's funny. :)

He: I'm serious.

I looked up at the marquis ... holy SHIT! He wasn't kidding.

Me: Oh holy shit. I am SO sorry. I mean ... I just ... ah hell.

He: I bet you feel bad now huh?

Me: Well. Not really. I mean, not "bad" but I am sorry. But honestly ... it's Yanni ... I just can't ... pssht. I'll just shut up now.

He: I bet you just looooove Yanni now huh?

Me: Oh hell no. But I can say I'm sorry again if that matters. I mean, shit. Customer service yanno? How could I know I'd get the only 2 Yanni fans on this side of the country in my cab when I spout off about how boring I find his music to be. shrug Sorry.

They didn't say much else and got out pretty quickly.

Yup. Sometimes it goes deeper than the foot in the mouth. :)


I am so going to hell ... :)

I got sent to pick up this younger fella (about 24) one night about 2:15 am that needed to leave RIGHT NOW to get to the Plaid and grab s'more beer before they closed.

We were chatting about why he waited so late to do a beer run (Play Station) and why it was him instead if one of the other roommates that are running (rock, paper scissors) and then we got to chatting about my drawings (sketch book was on the seat when he hopped in).

Anyway, long story short, he wanted me to draw him a picture to be made into a tattoo. 4 horses of the Apocalypse. Apparently the name of the white rider is the same as his, in German or something of that nature. It stuck in my mind for a bit, then one day I decided to draw it. Turned out pretty cool IMHO (which is the only one you'll get as I didn't take any pictures) and a few days ago I decided to give it to him (I have the drawing in one of those tube things). It's been about 2 wks since I picked him up. One of his roomies answered the door ...

Me: Hey, is Chris here?

R1: Yeah. One second. Um, who are you?

Me: Trixie. I'm a ... friend of Chris'.

R1: Hunh. looking me up and down One second. CHRIS! yelling. There's a GIRL here to see you! to me Come on in.

Chris: COMING!

I sit down and his roomie is trying to come up w/some sort of conversation.

R1: So. You know Chris.

Me: Apparently.

R1: Um. How?

Me: We met not too long ago.

R1: Hunh. Wait ... are you the one he met a few days ago??

Me: Weeeelll, you could put it that way.

R1: No. I mean, are you ... THAT one?

Me: Possibly. You mean there's more than one?

Roomie # 2 walked out at this point and sat down.

R1: This is the chick that Chris met the other night.

R2: Reeeeeeally? Wow.

Me: "Chick"? Really? I bet he didn't even remember my name did he?

R2: Oh man ... we heard all about you!

Me: "All about"?? What exactly did he tell you?

R1: That you were here all night.

R2: And it took him all day to clean the house afterwards.

R1: And the screaming.

R2: Yeah. The screaming.

Me: Oh man he really did tell you about it, didn't he? I'm gonna kill him.

Then he came walking out. And of course, didn't remember me.

Me: Hi Baby. How you been? You recover ok?

He: Um. Hi. I'm ok. Um. Recover?

Me: From the other night. I thought you weren't going to tell anyone.

He: Uhhhhhm. Wait. Do I KNOW you??

His friends are watching us like a tennis match.

Me: Know me? Do you KNOW ME?? How could you FORGET me?

He: Uhhhhh

Me: And you DID tell them it was YOU that was doing all the screaming. Right? Man, that grape jelly made you come unGLUEd. It was so hot ...

He: Uhhhhh

Wow. This is fun ... poor boy is squirming and sweating ... it should be said that I am quite a bit older than he is. heh

Me: What? Not even a hug? After everything we did?

He: Iiiiiii ... he looks down at the tube I'm carrying

Me: You asked me to bring back the ... well ... I don't know if I can say it in front of your roommies ... but here. This is for you. I KNOW you want this, badly. I mean, you were begging me to bring it back. I hand it over to him. He looks almost afraid of touching it much less looking inside.

This was way too much fun. I took pity on him and told them what was going on. Kid almost collapsed in relief. ;)


Sometimes when I get bored I will ...

troll Google checking out the various comments and/or articles on the Portland taxi cab business. Sometimes I find something entertaining, sometimes not. This time I found a very slight mention of me in someone's blog. I love to hear when I do well, other than from the people in my cab.


One thing I think is very underrated these days is letting someone know when they've done something that makes you happy, or smile, or even just done their job well enough to not make you hate them or their service for you. I *always* go out of my way to let someone know when they've done well, and I will often let someone higher up than them know as well. I actually started doing that a few years back after having other "service industry" people mention the great service and tipping better because of it. It made me appreciate them more and branch out w/my own praise and/or tips.

Of all my rides I would say that, conservatively, 95% of them are good. And this is mostly due to me. May sound a bit conceited, but I AM the one driving the cab and interacting w/these people. I am often the first person they really get to see or talk to when they first come to Portland. I love my city, and for the most part, truly enjoy my job. It may not seem so all the time from the stories I write on here, but jeez ... I sit on my ass, drive around all night and generally talk and yuk it up. If it weren't for the incredibly unstable economy and the fact that I have absolutely no job security this could be a perfect job. Well, that and the danger factor, but I try to minimize that as much as possible. :)

I've had friends mention that I should change up my blog a bit and start getting more reactive type of stories on here: letting the people in my cab know that I have a blog and they could possibly make it on here. I can see how this could certainly increase my readership and possibly lead to something lucrative but that just isn't how I roll. I'm much more laid back and honestly, if I were to let people know this when they got in the cab I think it could potentially cause more problems. I'm cool w/my blog the way it is.

I hope this will inspire some of you to thank someone for helping you or even just doing their jobs well. We need more positive reinforcement in this economy ... a smile and a thank you don't cost anything and will often make you feel better. :)

Happy Spring ya'll!!


Before I switched my vehicle and hours ...

there was this older lady I used to pick up a Lot. She lives in S.E. Ptld and goes to the all the bars that are w/in $5.00 of her home (there's about 6). She's 74 and her vision is going. Very friendly. She never remembers me (she's always drunk) but she's a very chatty woman, for the short ride.

Every time I pick her up - from the bar - she tells me that she hasn't been drinking. She NEVER drinks, she just goes there to socialize as she's old and lonely. She must drink whiskey because I can smell her from quite a ways away and I always have to help her to the cab as she has a hard time walking away from the bar.

Anyway, she tells me - every single time - that she's having some problems w/her sugar levels that's why she is having problems walking.

So, now that I've switched my hours to a bit earlier I am taking her to the bar instead of picking her up and taking her home and it smells like she is pre-gaming the bar.

Color me suspicious.



So I'm wandering down around the Reed College area ...

round about 3a-ish a few nights ago, heading to the overpass to get over McLoughlin Blvd. on Woodstock and have to stop because I come up on a beaver ambling across the road. A beaver. Just some ... random ... beaver. On the road. In the cross walk no less. I mean ... it's a BEAVER for fuck's sake.

I had plenty of time to think about this as I was watching him - and since then - I've never even SEEN a beaver outside of the zoo and this fat bastard was just trolling across the road. Yes, I know we're the Beaver State and you would think we had one on every street corner hocking dental floss, but ... I mean ... I ju ... I ...

I'm assuming he was just wandering from one waterhole to another. Guess I'm also assuming it was a he for that matter.

SO - here's where MY brain goes when I see a beaver walking across the road ...

* How did he know to cross in the cross walk? I mean - I know the deer have the pictures so they know where to cross the road buuuut ... what? The wildlife is just smarter at Reed College? I know the students are, but ...

* Really??? A beaver.

* Apparently that nuclear reactor they have at the college is doing a bit more for the local wildlife that we are aware.

And of course the classic -

* why did the beaver cross the road?


I let the bastards get me down ...

... which is why I stopped writing as many stories. I let "them" suck the fun outta my job.

But -

spring has finally sprung in Portland!!!!

I have a new car.
A new shift.
A new day driver.
And a whole new attitude.

It is once again all sunshine and rainbow colored bubbles in my cab. Whooot!!

So, like I said, I let the bastards get me down but I've rallied and plan on once again amusing myself at the expense of others ...



"Weeeeeelllll actually ... "

I was trolling the streets t'other night and ended up at Kells Irish Pub (one of the more popular places downtown) and picked up a young couple and took them up behind Zupan's @ 23rd and W Burnside (21 blocks up the road). She got in first and fell across the seat, drug herself up and greeted me with a big ol' sloppy, drunken kiss on the cheek (she was reeeeally happy to see me). He got in and started singing some boy band song that I didn't recognize.

She: Would you STOP shinging that shong!! Oh my Gawd I am sho shick of hearing that shit! SHUT UP!!

He: Ummmmm ... HUH?

She: ADAM! Shut up! I hate that shong! Goddamnit ... it's my BIRFday ... why can't you shing shomething I like?? I HATE you. No I don't. I LOVE you. Oooooohhh... you are such a cute little baby. At this point she's rubbing his face like he's a kitten. I'm just watching in the rear view. Whew.

She finally spits out where we're going and we're off.

Me: after seeing Adam starting to slide to the side He's not gonna yak in my cab is he?

She: I don't shink sho. Adam. ADAM!! Wake up. You aren't going to frow up are you??

He: NoooooooOOOOOOoooo. I don't do that. I'm fiiiiiine. aaand he passed out

So she was just blabbering away drunkenly about how great it is to have a woman cab driver and how she really didn't like strange men helping her into the house all the time when she's alone. I refrained from mentioning that maybe she shouldn't be drinking to the point of having to have strangers drag her in the house.

ANYway, I get up the hill to their place, she's trying to wake up Adam while she's digging cash outta her purse. He's not really waking up. She stumbles out of the cab and puts her purse on the trunk to dig through it so I wake up Adam - I've had a bit of practice at this. He wakes up and looks at me and gets *that look* on his face.

Me: ADAM. Do NOT throw up in my cab.

He: uuuuuuhhhhh ...

Me: Get OUT of the car. NOW.

He: All right. Jeez. Mom. It was only that one time. After prom.

Me: Don't you make me get your father out here young man, now OUT! hey, whatever it takes

He sat up straight and stumbled out of the cab and over to the fence and starts throwing up over the railing. Their place is on a one way in/out street on this hill just off downtown, parking is at a premium here and theirs is fenced off w/the railing to keep people from driving off the edge onto a 15 foot drop into the bushes - this is where he's yakking.

She reaches in to pay me and as I'm looking at her he takes a header over the fence ... ! It takes me a moment to realize what I just saw, grab my phone and get over to the railing. Dude is laying there, on his face in the mud (it's been raining here a bit :).

Me: yelling at him as I'm calling the police ADAM! Are you all right?? Answer me ... ADAM!!

He: raises his right arm and waves it Fine. I'm fiii ... and yaks again.

She: plops down on the ground w/her legs dangling over the edge and her arms through the fence Oh he's fine. He does this all the time. ADAM! Get your drunk ass up here.

I'm chatting w/the p.d. dispatcher, telling her what's going on, meantime Dude rolls over onto his back and throws up on himself again. Fortunately the cops got there pretty quick. I left it to them and went back to trolling and ended up at Kells again and picked up this couple that were - happily - no where near as drunk as the other two. They were chatting as we headed to 2nd SW Harrison:

She: Wow. What a party. Kelly is going to regret all those birthday shots tomorrow.

He: Yeah, she's going to be miserable. And what happened to Adam? Man! He was fine and then he wasn't ... I thought he was going to throw up in the bar! I hope nothing happened and he made it home all right.

Me: Weeeelllll actually ...



"My dad's a LAWYER so I think I know the law!"

I picked up this seemingly normal woman last night at about 2a-ish from a place called Sesame Donuts in the Raleigh Hills area. She was almost as wide as she was tall and smelled of cat. Wedged herself into the cab and just started rambling about nothing that seemed important (to me) but apparently was enough that she had to keep touching my shoulder to make sure I was paying attention every time she had a point to make.

Complete strangers touching me tends to make me a bit ... irritated. Woman or no.

So this woman is blabbering about how she had to wait at the donut shop instead of the Dublin Pub across the street because she's a good Christian girl and didn't want those heathen men trying to follow her or try and pick her up like all men do on the bus. ("Boys are BAD!" I think she seriously considered jumping outta the cab when I said "Yeah, but that's what we like about 'em.")

ANYway, this woman was talking a bit too much so I tuned her out. We were on our way to the East side via the Ross Island Bridge at her direction, even though I offered to take her the shortest route (that would cost less as she said she only had a finite amount of cash) she said she could only go the way she normally drove because it was the only way she knew. Certainly her option. I tried. So, we were sitting at the light, and she's blabbering away and she finally stops to ask about the meter:

She: Is the meter still running?

Me: Of course, you're in a taxi.

She: But ... we're sitting still.

Me: Yes. I see that. But the meter still runs.

She: Wait a minute. That isn't right. You can't run the meter when we're stopped.

Me: Actually, I can. It's the laws that are set up by the City of Portland's Taxi Cab Commission.

She: Oh, I seriously doubt that. My dad's a LAWYER so I think I know the law! You need to stop that meter right now Missy. I said NOW!

Me: Wow. I haven't been called "Missy" since Sister Mary-Margaret caught me putting ants on Bobby Miller's desk. Well, if you look at the window right next to your head the cab rates are listed right there. If you can't read them I could certainly read them to you.

She: Oh ... you're CATHOLIC. Well, God loves everyone. Even Catholics. then she peruses the rates for a moment So, these are your rates?

Me: Well, the companies rates, as set by the city.

She: What about other companies?

Me: All Ptld based cabs are exactly the same. Any cab you get based outside of the city can charge whatever they choose.

She: I don't believe you. Who can I call that will tell me whether or not you're lying to me?

Me: Whooo. Well, at this time of night, if you want someone you might believe, I'd say call the competition.

She: Why would I call them instead of YOUR company? It's because you're lying to me, right?

Me: Noooo, it's because I didn't think you would believe my company, so if you call the competition they could tell you whether or not I'm lying. Matter of fact, there's a pay phone right there, at the Plaid Pantry if you would like to call them and ask them for another cab because if you call me a liar one more time I'm going to go ahead and let you out of my cab. NOW. Would you like me to take you over there and let you out?

She: Um, no. So, are these stickers on every cab?

Me: Yes, every Portland based cab.

She: Hm. Well, they aren't very big are they?

Me: No one else seems to have any problems.

She: What about people that are blind? Or can't read?

Me: So, you're suggesting that I what ... recite the rates to every single person that gets in my cab on the off chance they can't read?

She: Well, yes. Exactly. I think I might talk to my dad about this. He's a LAWYER you know. He's a Very. Important. Person. You'd better believe me.

Me: Oh. I do. I promise to only run the meter while you're in the cab so you don't tell your daddy I mistreated a good Christian girl like you.

She: Humph. That's all I wanted. A little respect. Drive on.

Me: You and Aretha Franklin sister. We're almost there so how about we don't talk any more so I can concentrate on my driving.


It was one of *those* nights last night ...

I started a little late last night (1 a.m.) and this is how my night went:

1) Sent to pick up a guy from outer S.E. that missed his bus due to a bachelor party and needed a ride home, not too far away, and all the other guys were too drunk to drive. After we got the where ya goin' stuff outta the way he starts ... eyeballin' me. He asked me out. Me: How old are you? He: 30. How old are you? Me: 1/2 again as old as you. In the time it took to explain to him how to figure that out I got him home and out of the cab - to his wife.

2) Two blocks away from the last one I got stopped at a light and a young lady on the corner knocked on my passenger side window looking for a ride. She hopped in and had a somewhat desperate look in her eye. She started blabbering right away: "Oh God thank you. Thank you! I missed my last bus, I've been drinking after I got off work and stayed a little late. Oh wow, I am SO glad to see you. If you weren't a girl I'd kiss you right now. I've never seen a girl cab driver before. Has anyone ever kissed you for a ride? I think I might just kiss you anyway. Wow. What a night." I just kept looking at her while driving as she blabbered. It was a long 4 miles.

3) After I dropped her off I was on my way to my next ride and got pulled over for speeding. I was doing about 4 over. Nice enough Officer. He let me go w/a warning.

4) This ride was a drunk lesbian looking to head to the closest open gas station to get more beer so she could sit at home alone and be depressed about the fact that she moved here to be closer to the 2nd largest gay/lesbian population in the country and couldn't find a gf. I told her she was living in the wrong neighborhood. Then she decided to ask me out. After I explained to her that the baseball cap was just to keep my hair out of my eyes and not meant to be any sort of gender identification she decided she was even more depressed. "Now I'm getting turned down by a cab driver of all things ... did God not mean for me to be a lesbian?!!" I stayed away from that one and got her home, quickly.

5) Got sent to the Tualatin Police Dept to get some guy being released at 3:30a-ish. (I'm betting DUI since that's usually the time they're released) I'm tooling down the freeway and got pulled over, again, for speeding. Doing about 5 over this time. Sadly, this officer had a very small sense of humor. As he was standing there looking at my license and cab registration/insurance I asked him if he could give me directions to their shop to pick up dude. He eyeballed me for a minute then gave me directions, handed me my stuff back and let me go w/a warning. Whew.

6) Picked up dude from the p.d. (Yes, DUI) Got new tires on his truck, a bit larger than normal (35's) and it threw off his speedo. Said he was doing about 25 over and truck got impounded. I explained that here in OR if you do anything 20 over the p.d. can impound and arrest. He said he also blew a .12 (.08 is legal). Got him home to his very angry woman (waiting at the door) and drove off.

7) Doing about 5 over the speed limit on the way to the freeway back into town and had an officer pull up behind me and turn his lights on. When I pulled over he pulled up next to me and told me to slow down and drove off.

I decided that was enough tempting fate, I headed back to the lot to turn in the cab. Did under the speed limit the entire way.


"... we'll be all right because I trust in God."

I might have mentioned a time or two that one of our accounts is to haul the low-income folk to or from their docs and hospitals on our tax dollars. Oddly enough, I seem to get more grief from these people than I do from most others. Here's one from t'other night ...

Sent to pick up a 25 ish year old and her 2 y.o. daughter, going to the hospital round about 3 a.m. ...

She: walking out of the apartment towards me It's about damned time. I've been waiting almost 15 minutes, where the hell have you been?

Me: Well, good morning to you too. We are a little busy. Are you ready to go?

She: Did you NOT hear me say I've been waiting 15 minutes? Of COURSE I'm ready to go. Let me go get my daughter, it might take ME 15 minutes to get back out here and you had BETTER wait for me.

Me: Certainly. I'll wait right here. For a full 5 minutes and then I'm leaving according to the contract we have with Oregon Health Plan.

She: Well, see if I don't call your effin company and complain about you.

Me: Certainly your option. Would you like to do it now while I wait, on your 5 minutes or would you like to do it after you get in the cab?

She: I'll be right back.

And she comes back with her daughter. And no car seat.

Me: Do you have car seat for your daughter?

She: Don't tell me you're going to give me a hard time about that too? We're going to the hospital and I don't want to have to carry it with us.

Me: I'm sorry, I can't take your daughter w/out a car seat. It's the law.

She: Look, it's just down the street and many other drivers let me slide. Please? Look. I'm really sorry what I said earlier, and I won't call and complain about you to the company if you just let me go w/out the car seat. Let's go.

Me: Again, I'm sorry, but I won't take you w/out a car seat. Do you want to go get it?

She: I tell you what ... let's just go. She tried to open the door to the cab but they're all locked. Open the door.

Me: I'm sorry, but no car seat, no ride. It's the law.

She: You don't need to be a bitch about it. Just open the fucking door and take us to the fucking hospital.

Me: Wow. Well, look, I'm sorry if the state of Oregon cares more for your child than you do, but I'm not going to give you a ride unless you go get a car seat.

She: I don't HAVE a fucking car seat! I haven't had one since my daughter was born and nothing has happened so far so I think we'll be all right because I trust in God.

Me: Well, I don't even believe in God so I'm sure you don't want me driving your child around. No car seat, no ride. Have a good night.

She was cussin' me out as I was driving off. Sadly, I have to turn down a lot of rides because people don't have car seats. I don't have children, but I know I would have a car seat if I did. Maybe even more than one. I just ... bah. People.


"... I am not a full service cab driver."

I got sent to pick up this chunky little hooker from this nasty little hotel and take her to one of the hotels on Interstate. A lot of the guys that stay in the hotels on Interstate are out-of-towners here to work on the ships at Swan Island. Usually welders and whatnot, lots of money and very dirty fellas.

Ride took about 20 minutes and the girl and I were chatting quite a bit, swapping stories (she won 'cuz ... ew). We got on fairly well.

I got her over to the hotel and she called Dude to come down and pay for the cab. Long haired guy, not bad looking but pretty dirty. (He couldn't even take a shower first???)

He: Hey there, what's the damage?

Me: Hi. $22.

He: Here you go. he handed me a $100 bill.

Me: Oh. I don't have change for this. Do you have anything smaller?

He: No, I only have hundreds except for the $40. I have for her.

She: Aren't you required to carry change?

Me: I am, and do, but only for $20., nothing that big. I can give you a ride somewhere to get some change, but I can't break that.

She: Everyone knows that cab drivers have a lot of money, why don't you have change?

Me: Again, I'm not required to carry change for something that big. Everyone knows that hookers have a lot of money, do you have change?

She: HEY! I'm not a hooker, I'm an escort damn it.

Me: OooooOOOooh. Anyway, Dude, you want a ride somewhere?

He: is standing there watching the debate twixt us and smiling Naw. Tell ya what, how about you just keep the change and we call it good.

Me: I would definitely call that good, but really, just let me give you a ride somewhere to make some change. Or hey, I bet the office here will have change.

She: Wait a minute. Honey, can't you just give her the $40. and give me the $100? she starts hugging on his arm and rubbin' on him I'll make it worth your while. I promise. wink wink

Me: Look, I don't care what you guys do, but the meter's still running so could somebody make up their mind 'cuz at least two of us are working here.

She: turns around and glares at me I bet if he had a fifty you could make change, right?

Me: Um, well, no actually. Whatcha wanna do Dude?

She: Wait wait WAIT a minute... you said you have change for a $20 and the cab fare is only $22 so if he were to give you a fifty ...

Me: Jeez. I'm sorry but I'm not smart enough to make 20 and 22 equal 50. And besides, he doesn't have a 50. And looks to me like he's having too much fun watching us argue here. So what's is gonna be Fella?

He: Here, I tell ya what he gives her the room key and tells her to get herself up there, and pulls out his wallet here, just take the hundred. Really. But what I really want to know is if I can have your phone number?

Me: Ah. You have that many girls over here you need a personal cabbie eh? :)

He: Naw. I think I want to see you again, to hell with these whores.

Me: Oh wow. I appreciate the offer, but I am not a full service cab driver.

And I got out before I offended him and lost my tip.


"I know they're just punks, but ... "

I got a call from a guy that I've picked up before:

He: Hey, are you driving tonight?

Me: Sure. Who and where are you?

He: This is Joe, you picked me up once before. I'm downtown and I need a ride.

Me: OK, I'm sorry but I'm in Gresham, about 1/2 hr away. You're probably better off catching a ride w/someone downtown.

He: Naw. It's all right, I'll wait for you.

Me: ... Reeeally. Why?

He: I remember you were really cool to me before and I want to see you again.

Me: Uh oh.

He: What do you mean?

Me: Just uh oh. No one waits 1/2 an hr downtown, in the cold, at 3 in the morning unless they want something. What is it you want?

He: Nothing. Just a ride. And, well, you were memorable.

Me: Oh Christ. Look, I'll come get you, but no hitting on me, OK?

He: Really? But ... OK.

Me: I'm heading that way, I'll call you when I get downtown.

He: K.

Half an hour later he hops in the cab, in the front and we're off to Lake Oswego. I remember him, cute little guy w/a big truck.

We laugh and joke and he keeps trying to touch me all the way there. "Is this your real hair?" "Do you want something to drink?" "Want to stop at a drive-thru? Anything at all, really." etc.

Christ. Anyway, when we get towards his home in Lake O we slowly pass this car of kids - looks to be 4 boys, backwards hats, driving mommy's Saab. I didn't really get a good look. They are on my side of the cab and eyeball me as we pass. I just wave and keep going. They pop in behind me and start following us. We turn, they turn. I pull over, they pull over. Kinda pissing me off. Dude in cab is drunk and decides he's "gonna take care of these punks". I take off again and pull into
a Plaid around the corner from Joe's house.

Me: I don't want them to follow you home. They're kinda pissing me off.

He: I'll take care of them. and he jumps out of the cab and starts to chase 'em down the street. They take off, go up the street and he hops back in the cab. Told you I'd take care of them, I carry a gun, they aren't going to be chasing you around.

While I'm chewing him out for carrying a gun when he's drunk and trying to be stupid the kids pull up at the stop sign behind us and turn off their lights and wait for us to pull out. Now I'm getting concerned, not just pissed. Between them and him ...

Me: Hey Joe, can you go in and get me a bottle of water? I'm really thirsty.

He: Sure Babe, be right back.

Me: calling 911 Hey there. My name is Trixie and I drive for Trixie Cab, I'm in Lake Oswego and have some kids following me around. Have been for almost 10 minutes. They're parked behind me now w/their lights off waiting for me to pull out of the Plaid at etc etc ... and look, the guy in my cab is drunk and has a gun on him. Someone is going to get hurt if these kids keep effing around.

She gets the particulars from me and Joe gets back in the cab (with a GALLON of water :) and he hears me talking to her so he looks over to where I tell her the kids are and jumps out of the cab and runs after them again. I tell her what's going on. The kids flip a bitch in the middle of the road and take off. Joe stumbles back to the cab and gets in. I'm still talking to her and the kids come back and drive right behind me in the parking lot - blocking my way out. Laughing. Now I can see they're just kids.

He: Look, they're just punk kids. This is what we do in Lake O when we're bored, we drive around the lake 2X and if we don't find any trouble to get into then we just go home.

Me: I know they're just punks, but someday they're going to mess w/the wrong person. And now I can't go anywhere because they're blocking my way out. Can't you rich kids get a *hobby* or something? Damn.

He: I'll get them out of here. I grab his shoulder as he opens the cab door to keep him in the cab and she gets concerned over whether or not there's going to be a problem. I tell her no, the kids are driving off as he opened the door.

Me: They pulled away from the cab but they stopped at the corner next to the Plaid and are waiting for me.

She: There's an officer right around the corner, should be there any second.

And they were. Pulled over the kids. She told me they would call me if they needed me. I took off w/Joe and got him home. Had to fend off his friendly hands.


I made the newspaper for a story I wrote.

And didn't even know it. I can't decide whether to be flattered that I made the paper or feel like an idiot for not writing more stories. :)

You can follow the link here if you're interested, article was dated Jan 2011:




Dragons and Skulls and Swords, oh my ...

I got this idea from some Dude's shirt in my cab one night. I really, really like this one. O' course, I'm a bit biased.

If anyone is interested I've started a blog just for the stuff I draw. The link is over there ------>

Ya never know, I might come up w/a story some day.