"I'll take $5.00 off the fare if you show it to me."

Picked up these 3 hot guys from up off Broadway Drive going to Sassy's (strip joint) not too far away across the river. Big, loud guy is named Tyson. He's the chatty one, thinks he's a gift to all woman-kind so of course he thought he had my number. :) The cute, small guy is up front w/me texting w/his woman and the guys in back are giving him a hard time.

Tyson: He's not texting ... he's writing his memoirs up there.

Cutie: No, not his memoirs. He's telling his girl he's staying at home since she's gone this weekend.

Tyson: Yeah. At home! Um ... reading a book!

They were laughing and stopped talking for a moment so I said:

Me: You know that's not what we want you doing while we're gone, right?

Tyson: Oh yeah! We got a woman in our car! What IS it you want us to do when at home when you're out of town? DO. TELL.

Me: Well, if you're going to stay home we want you composing poetry to our beauty. All of them looked at me like I'd lost my damn mind and not a one of 'em had anything to say to that. I took pity on 'em ... Unless of course the book you're reading is how to better pleasure us while you're doing the dishes.

Tyson: Oh YEAH! I KNEW I'd like you!! You really need to go to the bar w/us.

Me: Ha. as we pull up to the bar Bye boys ... don't let Tyson get you arrested.

Tyson: But if we did you would totally bail us out right?

Me: No, but if you'd like to give me your girl's phone number I would certainly call her. I'm sure there is plenty of stuff her n' I could chat about.


Picked up these 3 we're-with-the-band looking fellas going across the river from downtown to about 57th NE Sandy. Nice enough guys, laughing and whatnot. Drunk.

He1: Hey. We're all named Chad.

Me: Reeeeally?

He3: Oh yeah. And we're all from South Dakota. And we're all named Chad. What are the odds huh?

Me: Are you guys brothers? Tell me you're all brothers 'cuz the odds of that being funny are pretty darned tall.

He1: No. We just met.

Me: Tonight?

He2: Yes.

Me: Aaaaaand now you're all going home together. Hunh. Wasn't there a movie about that? Some cowboys that just met ... from South Dakota ... they get out of town together ... ?? :)

Hootin' and hollerin' and then we find out that He1 (who's sitting up front) has a tattoo of He Man on his ass. Apparently it's quite the draw at the bars.

Me: Color me intrigued. Can I see it? I'll take $5.00 off the fare if you show it to me.

And he did. Tiny little ass, big tattoo. But well done.


Same story. Different players. Different script.

I picked up a girl and 2 guys from in front of the Barrel Room last night. Pretty people. Girl was a bit angry, she got up front with me. From the conversation I got that they were friends, not significants and out for her 27th bday. It was a pretty long ride considering we only went about 5 miles from where I picked them up, but that could be because the girl didn't shut up a'tall the whole ride and all she did was bitch and whine.

Basically her complaints were: "Oh my God I'm OLD. I might as well be dead. I don't know what's wrong w/my douchebag friends. No one loves me any longer. No one listens to me any more. All my friends want to stab me in the neck w/a knife. WTF is wrong w/them?" Different variations of the same stuff. It got very annoying, very fast. She decided to bring me into the conversation ...

Annoying Little Bitch: Why are my douchebag friends such assholes?

Me: Maybe it's 'cause you're calling them 'douchebags'. Wouldn't that annoy you? I've heard you say it like, 6 times in the last 2 minutes and I'm pretty annoyed.

She stopped talking to me and started in on the guys again.

We're going up over Burnside to the West side of town and at about Skyline is when it got real ugly. I had already turned up the radio a couple of times to drown her out (for which the guys thanked me) when she finally got on the guy's nerves.

Boy1: Liz. Christ. Would you just shut up. You're being a princess right now.

ALB: Why don't you just STFU Ben. I don't know who the fuck you think YOU are. etc etc again.

Boy2 in the meantime had passed out sitting behind me.

I reached up and turned the radio up again. Boy1 reached up and patted me on the shoulder and said "Hey. I'm sorry my friend is being such a bitch."

Me: Welcome to my world Dude. :)

ALB: "Welcome to my world." Yeah right. All you fucking do is drive around and look stupid.

Me: reaching up to turn the radio down Look little girl, I realize you're having a bad night, but don't start fucking w/me.

ALB: Well, that IS what you do, right? Drive around and look stupid. I don't know why you have to jump in the middle of MY conversation.

Me: I was talking to Ben so you actually jumped in the middle of OUR conversation. A little word of advice: you ...

ALB: What? HUH? Is it advice on how not to be STUPID?

Me: Oh wow. pulling over into the 24 hr QFC at Miller/Barnes Actually, yes. It is. I was going to say "you should try not to piss of your driver before they get you where you're going" but now it's too late.

ALB: Why are you pulling in here? Did we TELL you to pull over? Can't even follow simple directions. No wonder you're a cab driver.

Me: I'm pulling over because you're getting out. Here. Now.

After a bit of arguing they all got out. They guys didn't want to but since they couldn't shut her up and I don't leave women on the side of the road alone ... you know.

Same story. Different script.



It was a rough weekend ...

First and foremost it was Father's Day. Happy FD Dad - where ever you may be. :)

Then in Portland we had two other BIG things happening this same weekend:

1) It was Pride weekend in Portland. Lots of people here for the festivities and parade. Oddly enough, I haven't - yet - heard of a single hate issued crime happening. It was good times for all. The weather was nice enough and seemingly everyone was happy.

2) The other was the Naked Bike Ride on Saturday night. Yearly and international event (although I read that there are only 4 cities in the US that do it), people protesting cars. It's always amusing ... last year we had 13000 people riding, this year is estimated at about 9-10K. Not everyone is completely naked, although many are. A lot of people standing around gawking and yelling, and sadly, many people just trying to get around but stuck in traffic. I try, every time something of this nature comes to downtown to stay out of town, but there is always someone that wants to go downtown. ::sigh:: It's a rough life. And unfortunately I got stuck 1/2 way across the Hawthorne Bridge as the Ride was starting because everyone in front of me had to stop their cars.

Anyway, pictures stolen from someone's blog and when I say "rough weekend" what I really mean is "incredibly amusing to those of us that are sober" especially when we think about the amount of talcum powder sold in Ptld on Sunday. :)


Talk about trying to "... sink my spirits"

(thank you Sarah! :)

I got sent to the Acropolis to pick up some dude and - turns out - his 2 women at about 11p. One he knows, the other is friend of his friend, just met. The Acrop is one of the more popular strip joints in town. Lots of ppl go there, especially those from outta town. Just a few miles south of dntn.

Seems they got booted outta there early 'cuz (my opinion) dude was being a dick. He's drunk, the girls aren't but they're pretty much going along w/what he says. And he's saying a LOT.

He: Take us dntn to the Crowne Room. You know where that is?

Me: Yup. How ya'll doing tonight?

He: ignores me and starts bitching at the Friend Of the Friend I don't know what the FUCK I said to you to turn you into such a bitch but you don't even KNOW me. What the fuck? I want to know. You stopped talking to me before we even got kicked out. What the FUCK is wrong with you? HUNH? she ignores him and stares out the window - she is sitting behind me

Friend: in a very quiet voice Please don't talk to her that way.

He: Shut up. You know what I'm talking about. Why can't you even talk to me? HUNH? I mean. Damn.

FOF: Please just leave me alone.

He: OOOOHHH. NOW you talk to me. You wouldn't talk to me all fucking night and NOW you talk to me. I mean. SHIT. I know what it is. You think it's about the money. Just because I grew up in Lake Oswego and have all the money in the fucking world you think I'm a dick. But I'm here to tell you Sweetheart that has nothing to do with it. Sure, my parents are rich. SURE I can get any woman I want but I don't even WANT you and you're being a bitch to me. I tell you what, it's NOT about the money. It's about YOU being a bitch.

Friend: Please. Just stop yelling at her.

He: WHAT? Now you're on HER side? What the fuck??? I tell you what BABE, I could buy and sell 10 of you bottle blond bitches and you would all be naked on your fucking KNEES scrubbing my fucking TOILET and fucking LOVING IT.

They both just looked down at their laps and didn't say anything. Well, I had heard enough.

Me: Dude, seriously. Stop yelling in my cab.

He: looked at me for a minute Let me tell you what happened and then maybe YOU can tell me why she thinks I'm being such a fucking asshole. We were in the bar

Me: interrupting Dude. I really don't want to hear your story, I just want you to stop yelling in my cab.

He: But this bitch is

Me: again DUDE. Stop calling the girls names and stop yelling in my cab. Seriously. I don't want to hear it any longer.

He: Sheeeet. What the fuck do YOU know anyway??

Me: pulling over I know you need to get out.

Everyone just kinda looks at me for a few seconds.

He: Yeah. Maybe I DO I was tired of riding with you anyway. But I tell you what, I am paying for these bitches rides because neither one of them have any fucking money so if you want to get paid then you aren't going to kick us out.

Me: I'm sorry you misunderstood me. I am kicking YOU out. Not the girls. And I will give the girls a ride wherever it is they need to go. For free.

He: Fine. opening the door What the FUCK EVER. and before he gets out he has one last parting shot at me Hey. Ya know what? Stay fat bitch.

Me: couldn't help it, I started laughing Oh wow! All your mommy and daddy's money and that's the BEST parting shot you could come up with?? They must not have spent much on your education Doll. Get the hell outta my cab.

He does. Slams the door and walks off.

Me: So. You girls still want to go to the same bar downtown?

After they got done staring at me they say yes.

FOF: Wow. Everyone was catering to him all night. I can't believe you talked to him like that.

Me: Dude was being a dick. I don't have to listen to that shit even if you do. jab jab

Friend: Still. We can pay for the cab ride by the way so you don't have to worry about it. Thank you though. He was outta control. And disrespectful. Oh my God. I can't believe he said that. You aren't even that big.

Me: I've been called a lot worse than that Darlin'. Trust me. It's all part of the job.

So as we're tooling along the girls are chatting about how they're going to get him to pay for the vacation they're taking the next week. I hear 'Hey, we can just say that my feet hurt and that the cab driver wasn't mean to us like she was to him.'

Apparently for some, money does make the world go 'round.


I try, but I can't save 'em all ...

Stupid drunk girls. I get so irritated when a girl is so drunk she doesn't know where she is or what - or who - she is doing.

I get flagged in front of the Barrel Room downtown last night. 2 foreign guys and a very intoxicated American girl. Very. Head rolling, snorting, leaning to the side drunk. She's in the middle. They are going to one of the guys apartments, just across the bridge, 8 minutes away.

I hear a lot of stupid shit coming out of the back seat, but what I'm hearing most is "Wait a minute, WHO are you guys? Where's Chrissy? Are you friends of hers? Do I know you?" type of questions from her.

One guy is saying he has a g/f so he is just going along to make sure she is o.k. drinking more at the apartment.

We get to the apt and they are having a hard time getting her out of the cab, physically. She's just kinda ... sitting there. So I finally pipe up:

Me: Hey. Are you OK?

She: Um ... yeah. I think so.

Me: Are you sure you want to go with these guys?

Guy: Hey. She's all right. Come on let's go.

Me: Hush now. HEY. Are you SURE you want to go with these guys?

Other guy: You shut up! She is our friend, we will take care of her.

She: Um ... my friends. Do you know Chrissy?

Me: Dude, back away from the cab - RIGHT NOW so I can talk to your "friend". NOW. they both backed off Hey. Listen to me ... very carefully. Are you sure you want to go with these guys?

She: Ummmm. Sure. They're my friends. I think.

Me: It sounds to me like you just met these guys. If you want to go some place else, ANYWHERE I will take you right now. Can we call your friend Chrissy? I don't think you want to go home with these guys. Really.

She: sorta rolls her eyes at me Oh my God. You sound just like my mother. Mind your own fucking business. I'll go home with ... with ... you know. Do What I Want.

Me: Are you SURE?

She: trying to figure out how to get the door open Let me OUT of here! one of the guys opens the door and she stumbles out FUCK YOU MAN. You're just the cab driver ... don't JUDGE me.

One of the guys pays me and they help her in the door.

I can't save 'em all. I'll probably read about her on the internet some day. Stupid drunken ... pssht.


So we got this new guy ...

that started just a few months back. Very sweet, VERY not-cab driver material but Dude needed a job, right? I ran into him the 1st time the day after he started, he was parked at an Albertson's in Gresham (outer NE Ptld) and I pulled in there to kill time so decided to chat. He needed help w/the computer and had all kinds of questions that I answered. Seriously, sweetest guy in the world.

Ran into him again off and on the last few months. I keep teasing him because Dude hasn't been to downtown Ptld, says he's afraid to go down there. He knows the eastside and prefers to stay out there.

Last time I ran into him:

Me: You made it downtown yet?

He: Maybe someday.

Me: You need to get yer ass down there, you'll make more money. Especially on the weekends and holidays. There's some bad 'hoods out here. You stay on this side of town and you'll get shot. :)

We laugh and go about our business.

SO ... what happens tonight ... Dude gets shot.

Shit you not. He's fine, drove his car to work and then went home after dealing w/the cops. I'm not laughing about this, and I don't think I ever will, but this is so the type of thing I would tell someone else "Hey, it's funny NOW." Ya know what I mean? Pssht.

It wasn't a customer. Worse. Just somebody randomly shooting at cars driving by. It's a bad neighborhood ... NE 130th and Sandy (for those of you that know) and NOT ONLY did they shoot at him (in the passenger side window, out the back drivers) but they also shot another cab right after the cops left. Another window. Driver not hurt at all.

Probably just some punk kids but still ... bastards.