Lord help me ...

but I wanted to kill this guy before I was done with him. If you can read through this one it's fairly amusing. (In an Oh-My-Gawd I need to kill something now sorta way.)

I get sent to make a delivery. A laptop, a high dollar laptop from SE 6th and Powell to the John Ross Bldg on the waterfront, SW (high dollar condos just SW of downtown).

I am only about 5 blocks away from the pick up address so get there fairly quickly. No one answers the door so I get back to my computer and start calling the phone numbers given to me for the order. I get vmb at the first number; the guy that owns the laptop and is paying the fare/the drop off address then call the 2nd. I get the guy that has the laptop, he's upstairs at the pick up address, didn't know someone was coming to get it.

He tries to call Dude that owns the 'puter and gets his vmb as well. He decides he doesn't wanna deal with it any longer and gives me the 'puter. Tells me if I can't find Dude to bring it back to his place and he'll pay for the fare. If not, it's not his laptop so he doesn't really care what I do with it.

I get to where I'm dropping off (just a few minutes later as they're right across the river from each other, less than a mile as the crow flies) and try Dude again. Vmb. I left another msg. Tried the 2nd phone number of guy where I picked up, his phone goes to vmb as well. I call dispatch, they have 1 more number for me to try. I do and get some random fella, turns out dispatch transposed some numbers. I call the correct number, it's for the concierge at the JR Bldg. IT goes to vmb too. Pssht. By this time I'm getting somewhat irritated.

So I called Dude again, left a msg saying I was taking his 'puter back to where I picked it up from. If the guy there didn't answer I was going to give it to dispatch and he could pick it up from the office on Monday.

As I'm heading back I get a phone call from Dude:

He: Yeah, you're supposed to be dropping off a computer for me. Where is it?

Me: Did you get the messages I left you?

He: Yes. What the hell? You couldn't find the place?

Me: I left a msg when I was downstairs so yes, I found the place but I don't have an apt # and you didn't answer your phone.

He: ... you're a cab driver, you're telling me you don't know where the John Ross Bldg is?

Me: One more time, I FOUND your house, YOU didn't answer your phone.

He: What about he concierge?

Me: He wasn't at his desk and the phone went to voice mail.

He: Well, where's my computer?

Me: Here with me. In my car. Just about a mile from your house.

He: Oh, so you DO know where it is. Then why the hell didn't you drop it off?

Me: Look, we're not communicating here. I'm driving back to your place now, why don't you tell me where you want me to meet you and we'll get this taken care of, K?

He: It's only, like, the MOST expensive place in Portland. It's the place where Batman would live if he lived in Portland. Why can't you find it?

Me: DUDE. Do you think you're Batman?

He: Huh?

Me: Never mind. I didn't ask you for the address, I asked you where you want me to MEET you.

He: Well, you could meet me here.

Me: Yeah? How about I might you right HERE instead?

He: Well, how the hell am I supposed to know where YOU are?

Me: EXACTLY. Where the hell are YOU? I am in front of your building right now.

He: What? NOW?

Me: What part of this are you not understanding? I am AT your building right now. Do you want to tell me your apartment number or shall I just take it to our office and you can pick it up on Monday?

He: Well, I'm not home.

Me: Um, excuse me, but WHAT?

He: I'm grocery shopping. I'm at the QFC on 54th and Burnside.

Me: You're shittin' me, right?

He: No. I just assumed you people would take at least 2 hours to get to my call so I went shopping. I'm out of wine.

Me: So that's why you didn't answer your phone.

He: Yes. You people ALWAYS take forever to get to me so I assumed you would this time too.

Me: at this point I've already left his home and am heading to base to drop his 'puter with them. So, let me see if I've got this right: You called a cab to pick up a computer from your friend, without telling said friend that someone was coming to get it. Then you immediately leave your home, where the driver was to drop off your computer because you assumed it would take a couple of hours to get the 'puter to you and now YOU are mad at ME for being too efficient. Is that about right?

He: In a nutshell.

Me: All right then. I'm going to drop your computer off at dispatch. You can pick it up from them on Monday when the office is open.

He: Wait. You aren't going to wait there for me?

Me: Nope. I've already left.

He: Wait, wait wait. I really need that computer I have to ...

Me: interrupting Well, if you REALLY needed it you would have been here to pick it up, right?

He: Look, you're being somewhat irrational about this whole thing. First you get there WAY sooner than I thought then you can't FIND the drop off address and now you're just going to TAKE my computer and give it to some stranger at your office? I think there could be a lawsuit involved in this somewhere.

Me: I'M being irrational? YOU'RE being an asshole. I told you where your computer will be and when you can pick it up. I'm done talking to you.

I hung up on him, went to base and dropped his computer.



A coupla personal notes:


My book is basically finished. All but for some drawing that I wanted to do. I was getting all excited about it: took awhile, but I got it. Got it backed up to a disc ... just in case - RIGHT?!! (Ya never know so you always have a 'just in case' back up.) I had also -JUST IN CASE- printed out the whole damned thing as I was going along. Not the finished product, just the edited version as I went along. All that excitement made me tired so I shut down my 'puter and went to bed.

I've never backed up anything in my entire effin' life, but THIS is the thing I wanna make sure survives the holocaust.

My roommate comes home and gets on the 'puter (he works days, I work nights) and does his typical 'Oh-my-Gawd-there-HAS-to-be-SOME-porn-picture-on-the-internet-that-I-haven't-seen-yet' search. And downloads some nasty little virus.

Killed my 'puter. Dead. Disc still in it and not coming out. Fucker.

So him being the manly computer geek that he isn't, and feeling really bad about killing my 'puter he decided to fix it. His idea of fixing it is to mind wipe the whole thing. Start from scratch. Now I'm not saying that I would EVER have any illegal stuff on my 'puter, even in this day and age of the key generators (whistling innocently) but you mind wipe a 2000 HP back to the original state and you're bound to lose some things.

Like, everything. Double fucker.

SO, even after taking it to my favorite 'puter geek there's nothing I can do with it. It's all gone. Although he did get the disc out, so not a TOTAL loss. As long as you don't count my pictures and my entire 8 years of life on my 'puter. Fucker. Fucker. Fucker.

Too bad I couldn't be smart and back up everything else as well as the book. Did I learn NOTHING from watching every single episode of "Sex and the City"?!! (the girls will get that reference, guys ... prolly not.)

But hey, there's gotta be a silver lining ... right? I've been wanting to get a new 'puter for awhile and this is the perfect opportunity, so I indulged. Better. Stronger. Faster. I got the Jamie Sommers version of the 'puter. For me, anyway. (And NO, Dave2, it's not a Mac!!)

I get all excited about my new toy. Get it all set up and playing with the settings and whatnot. Even took a night off to play with it. Whoooooo ... it's fast! Having all kindsa fun with it, setting up the PASSWORDS and whatnot then decide to get down to business.

I put my disc in, up pops the little 'what doya wanna open this with' window and ... wait. Where's ... ? WHAT? Whaddaya mean Vista has NO WORD PROCESSING PROGRAM??!!! Are you shitting me?! Motherfu ....

SO. That's where I am on the book. Let's all bow our heads and pray that I don't kill someone. Although if I do, I'll have plenty of time in prison to long-hand it all.


I finally broke down and bought myself an iPod. Just a Shuffle, the 2GB version. Only 500 songs. Cute lil tiny green thing. Adorable, actually. (I had to get the little one 'cuz I don't wanna have something that some poor, desperate sonnabitch might wanna rob me for in the cab.)

How in the FUCK did I ever live without the music I want to listen to for so long?!!! Oh Holy effin Christ I'm in love. Radio schmadio.

AND: A note to Visa: Yes. When you get that Apple charge for $380 just go ahead and pay it. I have an addiction.


"Um, Hi. Can you help me out here?"

The set up:

I get sent to a tiny little dive out in the middle of Redland, OR to pick up a guy. I get there, there's a total of 7 ppl in there, including the female bartender. The guy is in the process of getting kicked out for calling a lady a c*nt. The bartender is trying to help/force him out and a guy patron is trying to do the same but he's getting a bit angry about them touching him. I'm listening to them talk and figure he's my guy ... this is gonna be a fun one.

Me: Hi. to him. I'm your cab driver. You wanna leave these mean people now, don'tcha?

He: stares at me drunkenly Hey pretty lady! HA! BITCH! to the lady he was yelling at, not me. This pretty lady WANTS to take me home. Fuck YOU. I'm going home with her.

The bartender is thanking me - quietly - in the background. The lady that was getting yelled at starts yelling at him again, making him angry again. He turns around to say something at the door. I turn around real quick to her:

Me: HEY! I point at the bartender You shut her up, right now or I'm leaving him here. I don't want him in my car, angry.

The 'tender grabs the lady and turns her around. I "accidentally" run into the guy at the door and push him out. He gets distracted and decides to get in the cab.

Me: All rightee. Where we off to?

He: I'll show you. Milwaukie. Off McLaughlin.

Me: Ok. But can I have your address in case anything happens?

He: I'll SHOW you. Damn woman. Let's just get outta this place.

Me: All right. But you gotta be nice to me.

He: Yeah yeah. You ain't no bitch. You're fine. Just take me home.

So we're driving along. He's nodding against the back seat. Great. He's gonna pass out. We get to lower McLaughlin and I wake him up to get directions. He tells me to keep going up McL. I have to shake him to get his attention so he gets angry.

He: FUCK! WHAT? Goddamn woman. Just take me home. Fuck. Fucking bitches. Always ... mumble mumble. And he passes out again.

I'm trying to remember where the closest cop shop is to where we are. I'm not really looking forward to trying to wake him again and there's no chance I'm gonna try and snag his wallet. (He's a big guy, did I mention that? Probably 6 2" and 250.)

I opt for the sheriff's dept at Oak Grove and McL but there's no one there, doors are closed and locked. Shit. So I pull back up to McL and try and wake dude again. I'm at the light by the Jack in the Box and shakin' the hell outta dude to wake him so naturally he comes up swinging!! Asshole. Fortunately he missed - got the back of my headrest - and slid over in the seat and started snoring.

I'm a bit shaken, but calm. I take a breath and look at the light, still red and at the 7-11 across the street and it's like I hear the Angels singing from heaven: "Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!" Right there, in the 7-11 parking are 3 officers from the sheriff's department! Whoot! I pull across McL and into the parking lot.

I get out of the car and walk over to the 3 officers; 2 men and a woman. They have 2 young girls in cuffs and are chewing them out for a) being out after curfew (they're both underaged) and b) having a single leaf of pot in the bottom of a bag. The girls are bawling, the cop is chewing them out and the other 2 cops are trying not to laugh.

Me: Um. Hi. to the female cop Can you help me out here?

She: What's the problem?

I tell her what's going on and she tells the 2nd guy cop what's happening, he agrees to help her get dude outta the back of my car after he gloves up. At this moment he gets called off to a car accident just down the road so she has to enlist the help of the cop that now has the girls in the backseat of his car. He says he'll help so they walk over to the cab.

HeCop: Hey! Wake up! no movement from dude. HEY! still no movement. All right. I'm going to grab his arm, you grab the other.

Me: Um, just so you know, I say, from the front bumper of my car he seems to have a fairly serious issue with people touching him. Just an observation.

HC: Trust us, this is what we do.

So he reaches in and grabs him. Dude is slowly coming to, but it's slowly working. HC gets dude out far enough that She Cop grabs his arm and they start yanking, hard. THIS got dude's attention, he comes up swinging at the cops. HC pulls out his stun gun and just LAYS it on dude! They're STUN-GUNNING dude in the back of my cab!!!

Well NOW dude is *fully* awake. Starts yelling and screaming, swinging and whatnot. I'm standing there with my hand over my mouth just staring. By this point everyone at the 7-11 is out watching the goings on as well.

So they finally get him wrestled outta the car and onto the ground, still stun-gunning him and get him cuffed. Dude is screaming at the cops, wide awake and highly upset. Flopping around on the ground like a fish. I still got my hand on my mouth.

HC: looks up at me Are you all right?

Me: Oh, yeah. Sure. I'm not the one in cuffs on the ground.

He just smiled at me. He drops down onto dude's back w/a knee to hold him still while SC frisked him. She tosses a knife onto the pavement then finds a gun (!!!) in an ankle holster. Dude's toast, headed to jail.

SC: to HC Look, I don't think I can handle this guy, you wanna take him in?

HC: Sure I ... wait ... I got the girls. he looks at her. Then to me he says Hey, I need a favor.

Me: Um. Sure.

HC: I need you to take these girls home to Naef Rd about a mile from where we are. I've already called their parents so I need you to turn them over to the folks. Can you do that for me?

Me: Sure.

So he gets them outta the back of his car, uncuffs 'em and tells them I'm taking them straight home, to their parents. They get in my cab, still sniffling and I give HC my contact info, he gives me the girls info. Then he asks if I got paid, I tell him no so SC pulls money outta his wallet to pay me the fare. No tip. ;o)

I get in my cab and the girls are over their trauma and putting on their make up. One of the girls is bitching to the other:

Girl: Can you beLIEVE he was going to arrest us for having an old leaf??!! I mean. What the FUCK? she looks at me Can you believe that? What fuckers!! And what the FUCK is up with this curfew bullshit?

Me: You realize they're just looking out for you, right? You shouldn't be out at this time of night, hanging at a 7-11. There are some MEAN motherfuckers out here, trust me, I know. Especially since the bars are soon closing and you're only 2 miles from the biggest strip joint on this end of town.

The little bitch ROLLED HER EYES at me!!! What the ... ?

Me: HEY! Don't you roll your eyes at me you stupid little wench! I am the ONLY reason you aren't going to jail right now so you had better - at the very LEAST - have the damned respect to at least LISTEN to me or I will get the attention of one of those cops and have them take your ass to jail. RIGHT now.

Both their eyes got all big and scared. They're just staring at me.

Me: WELL?? What's it going to be?

Girl: You're right. I'm sorry. And hey, thank you for saving our asses. Really. We DO appreciate it.

Me: That's better.

I turn around and we drive off. I hear them whispering to each other in the back. I get about 3 blocks from their home and hear:

Girl: Um ... driver? Can you take us to my boyfriend's house? Or just drop us off here and we can walk.

Me: You have GOT to be shitting me!! Just so you know, when I read about you two silly bitches getting raped and killed from some drunk idiot in the middle of the night, I won't be at your wake. Now just shut up until I get you home.

I pull up and their mom is hanging at the door, waiting. Apparently the cop called mom and told what to expect so she came out and hauled the girls outta the back of the car. I'm sure they'll be sporting some bruises for awhile.

Driver's note: As soon as dude came up swinging I knew there was no way I was going to deal with this fucknut. The reason I'm saying this is I told another driver what happened and he said I should have just let dude out on the street somewhere instead of having him arrested.

I've been in some fairly ugly situations, but I've survived this job so far by not being overly stupid, so I hope none of YOU guys judge me for tracking down the cops so quickly.


Get sent to a tiki bar on NE Broadway one night to pick up a girl named Greta.

I get there and call the number given. I get voice mail and leave a msg: "This is your cab, I'm leaving. If you need another call the company back at ... "

As I'm hanging up on the vmb I get a call coming in from the number I just called and left a msg.

Me: Hello?

She: Hi, you called me? giggle

Me: Hi, this is your taxi, I'm outside the bar, do you still need a ride?

She: giggling and whispering to her friend in the background I think you have the wrong number.

Me: I'm sorry, I was given this number to reach Greta.

She: Well, I'm Erica. You have the wrong number. It's 2 o clock in the goddamned morning!! Don't you check your numbers better than that? What the hell is wrong with you? I should complain to your company calling the wrong number at this time of the morning! giggle giggle shush shush

Me: ... Ah. So then when I called a moment ago and got the vmb that said "This is Greta with So-And-So Company, please leave a message" I got the wrong number? Gee. Guess I'll have to call that company in the morning and tell them someone is randomly giving out their employees' cell phone numbers to cabs to pick up people at bars. I'm sure they'll want to look into that.

She: Um ... I'm sorry. We lied. We already got a cab.

Me: Ah. So I'm guessing you don't want me to call your company in the morning either, eh?

She: Please!!??!!

Stupid little wench.


Random Portland Facts...

One of the fun things about driving a cab is that people are often asking questions about Portland, I wander around the 'nets trying to find interesting things to tell visitors.

The Taco Bell at 21st and W Burnside has the busiest Fri and Sat night sales out of all the TBell's in this country. (according to the grave manager in the window)

Portland has the smallest city park inside the city limits of any city in this country: Mill End Park. It is 2.5 feet in diameter.

Portland's Forest Park has over 5,000 sq acres, it's the largest urban wilderness in this country.

Portland has more strip clubs, per capita, than any other city in this country.

Portland has more micro breweries inside their city limits than any other city in the world.

Portland has the second largest copper hammered statue in the country. Largest being the Statue of Liberty: Portlandia.

Portland has the filthiest river in the country running right thru downtown: the Willamette.

Portland is the 23rd largest city in this country. 3rd largest on the west coast.

Multnomah County (dntn Portland) is - geographically - the smallest county in the country with the largest population.

Harney county in Oregon is larger than 10 of the states in the US.

Oregon is the 10th largest state in the country.

It is illegal to pump your own gas in Oregon.

In 2008 voted:

#1 for Greenest Cities (Popular Science)
#5 for Cleanest Cities (Forbes)
#1 best city to have a baby (Fit Pregnancy)
#2 largest bicycle commuter city (Bicyclist)

Portland and Bend, OR are the only 2 contiguous US cities built w/extinct volcanoes inside their city limits.

We have no sales tax in Oregon. But we make up for it with property and income taxes.


Last (and most amusing) sailor story of this year.

I just dropped off a girl that works at the Acropolis (strip joint) in Milwaukie and get sent down to lower Gladstone (by the river) to pick up a girl 'round about 3a the last Friday of the Rose Festival (sailors ship out on Monday).

I get there and a sailor comes out of the house and pulls open the passenger, front door.

He: Hey there. We just want to ride around for awhile, ok?

Me: Sure, I literally have all night to wander about at your whim.

He: Cool. How much is that going to cost?

Me: Well, if you just sit in the cab it's $30/hr. Our meters go off mileage, the further you go the more it will cost.

He: All right, I'm paying. And how do you feel about if we do ... um ... anything else?

Me: Well, are you asking if you can have sex in the car? I'd rather you didn't.

He: But you're cool with that, right?

Right then his girl came out. He opened the back door and let her in the passenger side, he walked around to the other side. I looked at her. She's an adorable little thing, cute and young. Like, barely 18, if that.

Me: Hey there.

She: Hi. How you doing?

Me: Fine. I hear you're trying to find someplace to have sex and want to do it in my car?

I'm an instigator. What can I say?

She almost fell off the seat she was so shocked. He got in and boy was he in trouble! (heh heh)We went thru the whole "I did NOT say that!" "Yes, he did." "She's lying." "No, I'm not." thing that you have to go thru with young boys but they finally worked it out and we were off to downtown Portland.

When we get to the 'skirts of dntn they're laying on the back seat and not paying much attention to the "view". I interrupt to ask them where they wanna go.

He: Um. I don't care. Just drive around.

Ah. Ok. I wander up the "Scenic Drive" we have that starts on W Burnside and go to the top of Council Crest (famous make-out spot) but it's closed so I wander back down the hill. I hit Burnside again, they're still occupied so I head up thru Washington Park. And down the backside. Over to the west side of town. Hit the freeway back up to Sylvan, cross to Skyline and out Germantown Road. (those of you that don't know our town that's a loooong ass way to just wander) Beautiful views though so at least I got something outta it. Besides paid, o' course.

So aside from the beautiful view I get I have to listen to:

"Come on, just let me touch it for a second."
"I don't knoooOOOOooow."
"What if we never see each other again?"
"If we're meant to be together we will be."

And many variations of this ... for the whole ride. In between slurping sounds and whatnot. Thank the good Lord for the radio.

Finally, after 2 hours I got a bit irritated so I start heading back to her house. We get about a mile from their place and I interrupt, again to let them know they're almost back where they started. The girl gets angry that I did this.

She: We TOLD you we wanted to drive around for awhile.

Me: We've been driving around for 2 HOURS. It's 5 o'clock in the morning. Don't you have to be to the ship by 6?

He: Yeah. How'd you know?

Me: I've met a lot of sailors the past couple of days.

She: You can't stay?

He: Weeeeelllll ....

Me: Look, you aren't getting any. I know it. You know it. She DEFinately knows it and I'm tired of hearing it. Do you want me to give you a ride back to your ship?

He: Yeah, I suppose.

She: Wait a minute! Don't you have to do what we say? You ARE the cab DRIVER. We are PAYING you.

Me: Actually, no. I don't. I can choose to do what you want, but I can certainly call you another cab if you want to keep wandering around. And he wants to miss his ship.

She: Well, I can tell you, I'm not going to tip you. Bitch.

Me: From I understand you aren't actually paying for the ride. And since the fare is $180.00 so far I'm really not all that concerned about the tip at this point. BUT I have a tip for YOU: after a certain point, you either give it up or stop all together. Anything else is just cruel.

She just glared at me and got out of the car. The guy looked at me for a second, handed me $200 and asked me to wait a second so he could say goodbye. Which actually took another 20 minutes. He handed me another $40 to get him back to the ship. Plus tip.

What an annoying ride. But lucrative.

Other Stuff: I just know ya'll are going to be thrilled to know I just got my free Oreo Cakester from Walgreens. Guy forgot to ask so I did. heh. He had to call the manager and everything. Funny stuff.

Hey! I didn't say I wouldn't take advantage of the offer, I just didn't care for the offer.

Until now.

Those little things aren't bad at all. ;o)


"I just saw a guy howling at the moon"

Them: Multnomah County Non Emergency, how may I help you?

Me: Hi, I just saw a dude howling at the moon.

Them: Um, excuse me ... ?

Me: I just saw some dude howling at the moon.

Them: Uh ... ok. And you're calling me because ... ?

Me: He's standing in the road while he's doing it.

Them: Ah. Ok. Where is he?

Me: Right at about 127th and Stark.

Them: Ok. And what exactly is he doing?

Me: Jumping up and down, waving his arms at the sky and howling.

Them: Really?

Me: Oh yeah. Too bad we can't see the moon tonight, huh?

Them: Well, if there is no moon tonight then how do you know that's what he's doing?

Me: Well, I don't know, per se, but I saw the Powerball numbers earlier so I know he didn't win, what else would he be doing?

Them: Well, if he isn't really causing any problems then we might be able to send an officer by later when one frees up.

Me: Thank you. I'm sure the people that are having to dodge him in their cars while he's jumping in the street will be incredibly grateful.

Them: ... I'm sorry, where exactly did you say he was?


Other Stuff: I just went to Walgreens to pick up something after work. I hand the girl at the counter my stuff:

She: And would you like to try an Oreo Cakester this morning? and points to the display next to the register.

Me: Um ... no. But thanks for asking.

She just smiled at me. I look at the display and see the sign underneath the box of Cakesters "If we don't ask you if you'd like a Cakester you get it for free!!"

Me: Hm. So what? Now you guys are just like Taco Bell ... "If we don't ask if you'd like a drink it's free!" type o' thing?

She: I suppose so.

Me: Gotta make you appreciate your job just that much more.

She: And I get $.05 for everyone I sell.

I just smiled and left. Driving off in my truck I got to thinking how incredibly annoyed I was by this. Why can't they have something out there for charity ... "If we don't ask you if you'd like to donate we'll donate a dollar ourselves!!" instead of something fattening.

Use your powers for good, damn it.


It's Fleet Week in Portland again.

Portland is covered in sea men!! (You would not believe how many times I've heard some variation on this comment in the last week.)

I gotta give 'em credit; they're much more subdued this year than the last few. I think our sliding economy is helping that along though.

Anyway -

Was driving down W Burnside into town and saw 2 cute, younger fellas sitting on some boxes at the curb at about 20th. They look weary. Apparently too tired to get up and flag a cab as one of them just waved a coupla fingers as I was driving by. I pulled up and rolled down the window.

Me: Hi boys. Need a ride?

Boy1: YES!! they get in the cab We've been flagging every cab driving by but they've all got people in there or they're just ignoring us.

Me: Yeah, we are kinda busy w/all the sailor boys in town. Where we off to and can I ask ... is that BEER you guys were sitting on?

Boy1: Yeah, we bought 2 racks for a party but when we got there we found out it was the wrong address the girl gave us.

Me: Ouch.

Boy1: Yeah, we started walking and then got tired of lugging this shit around so we decided to grab a cab.

Boy2: Good thing you stopped when you did, I'm down about 4 beers in this box.

Me: Sitting there a long while were you?

Boy1: You have no fucking clue. Dude. I'm so tired of walking. And sitting. And waiting on cabs.

Me: And lying girls.

Boy2: Don't even get us started on that shit.

Me: Sounds like you started that one all on yer own. Anyways, where we off to?

Boy1: My house cool with you? Nod from his friend. He looked at me, I nodded as well. ::shrug:: We're going to 1st and Arthur. Know it?

Me: By the 7-11?

Boy1: Yup. Down past there to Macadam. You cool with us drinking our beers?

Me: Just don't make a mess. Or throw them at anyone.

We start off, laughing about silly things when we get near the 7-11 Boy1 asks me to stop there so they can get munchies. I pull in, Boy2 gets out to get nachos, chips, etc and then Boy1 says they might need more beer so get another 1/2 rack.

As Boy1 and I are sitting there shooting the sh*t this really hot girl comes stumbling up the driveway carrying her shoes and looking a little worn down.

Me: Lookit that poor girl. Must've been a long walk, eh?

He looks and just about slid off his seat. She came walking towards us.

Me: If she wants a ride are you going to let her in? (this happens quite often in my cab.) He just sits there dumbly and stares at her. I reach back and pop him upside the head. HEY! Yes or no? Not much time here. You want me to get her for you or not?

He: You can do that? Hell yeah!!

She: Hi. Are you available?

Me: Well, I've got these 2 nice young boys in my car now, but I'm sure they'd be willing to let you ride along.

She: Eyeballs boy with tongue hanging out of his mouth for a moment. to me: I don't know.

Me: You look like you've been walking awhile. Got a ways to go?

She: I am SO tired! My friends left me and I've been walking all this way from 2nd and Burnside. I'm heading down towards the water tower. John's Landing ... conveniently on Macadam.

Me: How convenient, these guys are heading the same way. I'm sure they'll let you ride along. Hunh Junior?

Boy1: Uh. Oh. Hell yeah. Anywhere you need to go.

She: I dunnnnnooooo ...

Me: Look, you'll be safe in my cab and odds are good I could take both these guys so hop in, it's not that far.

She: All right.

She hops in the front, silly boy in the back still hasn't gotten his tongue back into his mouth and Boy2 comes out of the store, he just about drops his beer and munchies when he sees her. He gets in the car and I explain to him his friend agreed to give her a ride home. Boy2 to this point has been really quiet, not so much so after she got in the car. He turned up the charm and I just let him do his thang.

By the time I got the boys to where they were going (they were getting dropped off first then her) she was talked into going into their place and drinking some beers with 'em. I checked to make sure she was serious and then gave her my number for when she needed to go. Her and Boy2 get out and head to the apt, Boy1 pays me and then tries to tip me with the 1/2 rack.

Me: Wow. Thanks, but I don't drink.

Boy1: Well shit, hold on ... he digs around in his pockets this is all I have but I tell ya, you were worth every penny for that ride, that chick is HOT!! he hands me a $20 and a coupla singles.

Me: Ah, I get pimp fees. Nice. Call me when she's ready to go.

Boy1: Shit. I'm going to get your number from her and call you every time I need a ride. And a hot chick too! Damn.

Me: ::snort:: Good night.


Wow ... who knew ...

I was so powerful?!! What should I ask for next do ya think?!

New Drunk Driving Laws in Italy