"And my name is Rainn, but I'm the straight one"

I get sent to Embers, a drag show club at about 2:30a. I am talking to our dispatcher on the phone to get a name when a young girl comes up to the passenger side of the car. She's wearing a wifebeater, cut off jeans at the knees, big, black boots and has a bandana on her head. I'm instantly scared. Before I roll down the window I tell the dispatcher "Whoa! This girl is ScaaaaAAaareee!! I'll call you back and tell you about this one!"

I roll down the window as she struts up.

Me: Hi there. Are you who I'm looking for?

She: Hi. Yup. You waiting for Ashley?

Me: Yes ma'am. Ya ready to go?

She: One sec, I got 2 friends with me.

She gets in and scoots over behind me, the 2 others get in and I get their address and we're off.

She1: Ha! You get to ride bitch! She says to the girl in the middle.

Me: Hey now! We just met ... no one gets to ride me without cash up front.

They all crack up. The ice has been broken.

She1: Hey girl! Right on. What's your name?

Me: M

She2: sitting at other window My name is Liz.

Me: Hi Liz.

She3: in the middle And my name is Rainn. But I'm the straight one here. She thinks about it for a second Although I have slept with both of these guys.

Me: Well then technically, that doesn't really make you straight, right?!

She1: Shit girl, you're hilarious! I like that in a woman ... are you ... ?

Me: Eeeeasy now. Don't let the ball cap fool ya doll.

She1: Shit. Doesn't hurt to ask now does it? I still think you're funny. Rainn, I've been meaning to ask you, what did you think of the night we spent together?

She3: What do you mean, 'what did I think of it'?

She1: Just what I said. What did you think?

She3: Well, I've been thinking of that night a lot lately. And really, I think it was, maybe one of the best nights I've had, sexually, in awhile.

She1: What do you mean, 'maybe one of the best'?

She3: Well, top 3 at least.

She1: I can live with that. Maybe I'll just have to try harder next time.

She3: There won't be a next time, I told you that last time.

She1: Oh yes, there will be.

She2: Hey now, what about OUR night together? I mean, yeah, that dude was there, but you didn't enjoy our night together too?

She3: Oh yeah. What WAS that guys name? Didn't we meet him that night?

She1: I just don't get it. Why would you want a guy when you have me, I got a strap on that stays hard all night compared to guys. I mean, shit! M, you know what I'm saying here, right?!

Me: Oh no. I make it a point to not get into any arguments in my car. But most especially with lesbians, you girls don't fight fair.

She1: Sheeit girl. I knew I liked you. If you ever wanna change sides, you let me know.

Me: Trust me, you'll be the FIRST to know. Here you are ladies, home safe and sound.

"Can you play any music less GAY than this?"

I'm just passing this one along because it amused me ...

As I drive by a gay bar in town called CC Slaughters I get hailed by a gent standing there. He hops in and we're off to outer se Ptld.

After about 1.5 minutes we're already trading horror stories from our 'travels' ... I'm telling him about a gay guy I picked up that was very graphically adamant about the fact that since I wore a baseball cap I was a lesbian.

He is a DJ at the bar I just picked him up from.

He: I tell you what I love is the straight guys that come in here with their girlfriends and don't realize right away that they're in a gay bar. I tell you, one time we had this cute little hottie come in and walked up to me and the bouncer next to me, who happens to be the only straight bouncer we have, and said to me "Dude, do you think you could play some music that's less GAY than this?"

After about 30 seconds of just staring at him I said "Could you BE any less clueless?" ... he stared at me for a few seconds. I said "Dude, look at the walls." He looked up and FInally realized that we had gay porn playing on the screens on the walls and I said "I could not play anything less gay than THAT."

He got this scared look in his eye and said "Wow. I think it's time for me to leave."

And I said, completely serious, "And you'd better run because we haven't met our quota this month."

He just kinda screamed and ran for the door. Me and the bouncer laughed for hours about him.


"Well hell, I'LL tell you ya got a big dick for 600 dollars!"

I picked up a guy from Aja's downtown - a late night "private exotic show" kinda place. He called the cab co. and requested a cab at 4a when they closed.

Me: Hiya. How's it goin'?

He: Oh God. I'm gonna be in soooo much trouble.

Me: Uh oh. Wanna tell me where you're going first and then I'll let ya pour it all out. Bartenders and Cab drivers are somewhat synonymous at this time o' night.

He told me where we were going, a very affluent neighborhood right off downtown in the West Hills. Not that far, but a nice area with a killer view.

Me: And we're off. So what happened?

He: shaking head Oh Gawd! I can't believe it!!

Me: Come on now, you know you wanna tell me. What happened? Lose a little too much money?

He: 'A little too much'???!! I gave that girl $600.00!!!

Me: Are you SHITTING ME?!! Damn. She must have been GOOOD. Aja's has a rep. as being a ... full service dance club ... after hours.

He just kinda hung his head lower.

Me: You didn't get any? WHAT? Did you get blown? he starts shaking his head. NO? Wow. No sex? shake. No blow job? shake. Did she at least rotate your tires or SOMEthing? shake. Wow. I'm in the wrong business!

He just kinda looks at me stupidly.

Me: I mean, damn. I wish I could make 600 bucks for doing nothing more than shaking my ass for ... what ... a few hours? nod. Wow. She's smarter than you or I will ever be bubba.

He just sits there as we drive along. He's almost crying now. I almost feel bad but DAMN, someone needs to say it!

Me: SoooOOOOoooo. What'd she do to earn 600 bucks? C'mon now, 'fess up. What happened?

He: Well ... she ... ahem ... she did ... you know ... that thing that women do that make men stupid.

Me: Um ... birth you?!

He: Shit. YOU know.

Me: OH. She told you that you got a big dick, right?

He sorta nods.

Me: And that was worth 600 DOLLARS?! DUDE. What the FUCK were you thinking? it's called "tact". I've never heard of it.

He: Hell. I don't know. I just thought ... well ... she was so cute. I mean, she kinda looked like you, with the long hair and all.

Me: Well hell, I'd certainly tell you ya got a big dick for 600 dollars.

He: Um ... really?

Me: Hell yeah. If you're gonna be stupid and just give it away and that's all I gotta do, you betcher sweet bippie I would.

He: Huh. Well. Go ahead.

Me: And what? Tell you? nod. Puh leeze. I betcha gave her all your money.

He: Well, not ALL of it. I'll give you what I have in my pocket if you tell me.

Me: Whoa. You need some help.

He: Please?

Me: Pssht. eyeballing him for a sec ... Whatcha got in your pocket? Cash or flesh? I don't need no more surprises tonight.

He pulls a hand out of his pocket and shows me a bunch of crumpled up cash. I can tell there's at least 2 20's in there. I look at him for a few seconds ...

Me: Are you SURE? nod. All right. very unenthusiastically; You got a big dick.

Boop. He slaps what he's got in his hand into mine.

He: There you go. And we're here. You wanna come in for a drink or something?

Me: I'm workin' here, I gotta go. And can I just say, you need to stop drinking Bub.

He: That's what my wife keeps telling me. Here, here's the money for the fare.

Me: Oh, no. I'm covered w/what you gave me here.

He: No. That's for earlier. I'll pay the fare. And tip you. Are you sure ... ?

Me: Nope. But thanks. I'll catch you next time.

He: Can I get your cell phone number to call you directly?

Me: I'm sorry, my cell is dead. You can call base and ask for me though. Have a nice night!

I drive off.

Total take: $13 fare + $17 tip + $163 wad of cash = breakfast on him.