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Good thing I don't use the same hosting co. as V @ IronFist. Also, got this from Everybody Loves Hilly.


St Patty's 2008 (Saturday)

Here's some fun little short stories for ya:

* I had these 2 guys that were pretty amusing in my car heading across the bridge to the Doug Fir for some late night dining. We were having a good time yukking it up about most everything and we got on the subject of swimming. Somehow.

Guy2: C'mon now, you think ALL swimmers were on cocaine?

Guy1: Of course they were. What guy in his right mind would shave all the hair off his body?

Me: You mean, aside from latex play?

Both: EW!

Me: You KNOW they had to be on drugs, lookit that 'stache on Mark Spitz fer Crissakes!

Guy1: You mean the pre-Selleck 70's mustache?!

Guy2: I saw BOTH his mustaches.

Me: Don't do it.

Guy1: Whatcha mean?

Guy2: Inside that speed-o? Dude had JJ Walker between his legs, man.

Me: Ya did it.

Guy1: Holy shit! That's just wrong.

Guy2: Dy-no-mite!!

* Picked up this group of youngsters going from Clancy's across the bridge to the Chesterfield. The guy that sat up front I've picked up before. I remember him because every time he gets in my cab he always has to ask if I'm the lesbian cab driver. Every time.

Me: Hey Edgar, how you doin' tonight?

He: Oh yeah, I remember you! I'm great.

Me: Smells like you've been spending some time yakking in the alley. You feeling all right?

He: Yeah. Better now anyway. Now wait a minute ... are you the dike?

Guy in back: Naw man. Remember, she's the one that looks like a dike but isn't. Why do you keep forgetting?

Edgar: Oh yeah, that's right. Eyeballs me for a second. You DO realize you look like a dike, right?
Me: Yes. It's 'cuz I'm fat and wear a baseball hat. I know, I know. You say this every time I see you.


* Got sent to this little hole in the wall place called the Desert Inn on S McLaughlin one night to pick up some guy named Chad. I was coming up from Canby so was passing by anyway, took me about 15 minutes to get myself there. I get there and find my guy and his gal, both pretty far gone into their drink.

Me: Howdy folks. Where we off to?

She: We're going to this bar called Something. (I forgot what she said)

He: Naw, remember, they changed the name of it.

Me: Um, well, what's the new name of it?

He: The Porterhouse.

Me: Yer shitting me, right?

He: Nope. That's where we're going.

Me: You called a cab to take you ... what? 100 feet?

He: It's your fucking JOB right? Just take us there. to her See baby, I told you I'd get you a ride.

Me: Shit. Yer right, it IS my fucking job. You guys strapped in?

She: What do you mean?

Me: Well, you hafta wear your seat belt. Safety first and all that.

He: To go 100 feet?

Me: Well, if you're going to call a cab to take you next-fucking-door then yer going to put on your belt to go next-fucking-door.

She: Can you talk to him like that?

Me: Well, I'm just looking out for your safety. If he doesn't want me to get a bit irritated then maybe he shouldn't call a cab to take him next-fucking-door. Seat belts?

They both strap in, bitching about it the whole time. We take our 15 second ride.

He: Hey, how come you didn't start your meter?

Me: Ah heck, obviously you need your money to keep your woman happy so I'm giving you a free ride.

He: Um. Let me give you some money for the ride.

Me: Aw jeez mister (in my best leave it to beaver voice), that's awfully sweet of you, but really free ride. Get the fuck out.


ST Patty's 2008 (Friday)

I took most of the last 3 weeks off because I was ill, but I had to work St Patty's weekend.

Fri: I got sent to The Matador to pick up a couple from outta town 'round about 1a. It's in a pretty busy area for cabs that are wandering around so I doubted they would still be there, I called from 2 blocks away.

Me: Hey there. This is your taxi, are you still in need of a ride?

She: quite drunk Yesh! Gawd, it's cold out here. Where are you?

Me: I'm at the light about 2 blocks away, I'll see you in about 30 seconds, are you in front of the door or at the corner?

She: We're on the corner in front. Please hurry, it's cold!

Me: I'll be right there.

I get there and there's no one on the corner, or in front of the bar, other than people that were already loading into cabs. Being the good little cabbie that I am I drove around the block(s) (we have a lot of 1 ways, have to go a coupla blocks outta the way to get back to where they were to be) 3 times. I called, got their voice mail, left a msg and went about my night.

I picked up a fella on Burnside going to the inner east side to about 16th and Hawthorne. As I was dropping him I got a call from those same people at the Matador, the guy this time.

Me: Hello.

He: Yeah, we talked to you and you said you were only 2 blocks away. What happened?

Me: Are you the folks at the Matador?

He: Hell yes, and it's cold out here.

Me: I drove by there 3X, no one was outside and I called, got your vmb and left a msg. What else was I to do?

He: Damn it. We're still waiting on you. All right, since you SAY you left a msg I'll let this one slide. Can you come get us or not, it's fuckin' cold out here. We've been waiting for a goddamned long time.

Me: Yeah, well it HAS been 25 minutes. Who waits 25 effin minutes to call back when the cab said they would be there in 30 seconds? I can be there in less than 10, I'm just across the bridge now. Do you want to wait for me or would you like to take a cab that's driving by?

He: Well, you ARE the one that's supposed to come get us so we'll damn well wait on you. Don't you leave us hanging, again. What's your name?

I told him, said I'd be right there and drove over. I get there, no one on the corner again. This time I pull up in front of the bar w/my flashers and call them. Never know, they might be waiting inside since they were so cold. Got voice mail again. Idiots.

I left them a msg: "Hey, this is your cabbie again. I'm here, you aren't. If you are still in the area and need a ride give me a call back soon and I'll come give you a free ride to your hotel. I don't know what happened but call me if you need a ride."

I picked up a couple and were taking them to inner NE when I get a voice mail. I didn't hear it ring. It was the drunk woman from that couple.

She: Hey, I don't know what the fuck happened to you but we're still waiting, on the same FUCKING corner and you NEVER fucking showed! What the FUCK? Is this how Portland FUCKING Oregon treats people from out of state? Yeah well I think ... click.

Whew. Now I'm feeling REAL bad about not picking them up. Mmm hm. Shame my whole city because they weren't where they said they would be and answering their phone.

I picked up a group of folks from a bar and was telling them about this couple when they called back. I just let it go straight to vmb. They left another msg. I listened to it and then put it on speaker for the folks in the back.

She: Hey! I don't know what the FUCK is fucking wrong with you but you fucking SUCK! Fucking Portland Oregon fucking SUCKS! I think I'm going to call the fucking city and complain about you. You're the biggest piece of shit to ever come out of Portland fucking Oregon! Here we are, still standing in front of the Matador fucking bar and you won't even fucking come and get us. Well FUCK you and your fucking city! FUCK YOU! and then she says Hi, can we get our room key?

We laughed.


Interesting Night ...

I got sent to ST V's ER twice to pick up 3 different customers in one night:

* I got info on my screen that says "cust in waiting area". Great, that means I get to go into the - usually - packed waiting room where people are yelling and screaming, crying, etc and yell out for someone that won't give their cell # or wait outside or near the door for me to get there. I do so ... cust's name is "Loughridge".

I yell out for "Low-ridge". No answer. I yell out again (I only give them 2 tries) and I hear a woman yell back "Are you trying to find someone named 'Luff-ridge'? You MUST be the cab driver to pronounce it like THAT. *snort* Idiot! No wonder it took you so long to get here. You probably got lost."

I homed in on her voice as she's berating me, most everyone else in the waiting room was looking at me, quite a few were snickering. She is busy packing up her stuff and laughing with the person sitting next to her while pointing at me.

Me: I'll be sure and tell the next cab driver how to pronounce your name. And I turn around to leave.

She: Hey!! Where are you going?

Me: Well, I'm sure you don't want someone as idiotic as me driving you home. I might get lost and then be late. Don't worry, it's Friday night, it should only take another hour or two to get you a different cab. Have a good night.

* Picked up this older fella (mid-50's) that was waiting at the door for me. As I'm taking him home he's telling me about how he ended up in the ER - car accident. I make the appropriate sounds and he expounds to tell me that his wife was driving - at HIS demand - even though they were both drunk after a party.

He: Hell yeah, we were both drunk, I wasn't near as drunk as she was but there is no WAY I'm going to get a DUI so I made her drive. Stupid woman drives around the corner and runs head-on into someone else. Me and the person in the other car both went to the ER, my wife went to jail. Stupid woman.

Me: So, uh, how's the other person?

He: How the hell would I know?

I left that one alone.

* About 3a I get sent back to pick up this tiny, little old lady. I'm guessing she's in her mid-80's. I got her from one of the nurses pushing her in a wheelchair. Really sweet woman, we had an interesting chat about crafting and whatnot. When it gets quiet she starts talking.

She: almost whispering I can't believe I did this again.

Me: I'm sorry, were you talking to me? I make it a personal policy to not ask questions when I'm picking up from a hospital, I often hear things I wanna know nothing about.

She: No ... but ... I can't believe I did this again.

Me: What's that? Still not quite sure what she's speaking of.

She: I got a DUI.

Me: blink You were drinking and driving?

She: Yes. Again.

Me: You make this a habit, do ya? grin

She: This is my 4th. The nice police officer said they will probably take my license this time. How am I going to go dancing NOW? My son is going to KILL me!



"Yes, you ARE stupid."

I got sent to pick up a guy Friday night, about 1a, an "account" call downtown. This is a pretty busy time for us, but no one else would take it as you don't get cash money for this one, you get "credit" that goes to the company and we use it towards our lease. Turned out to be a fairly good run so I was willing.

I get to where I'm to pick him up and follow the instructions on the screen "Pick up at bench, wait at the corner of 5th/Pine". Easy enough, he was coming out of the building 1/2 way down the block (US Bank Bldg) but would meet me there. The city is working on the streets downtown (bless 'em) so I parked at the corner of 5th/Pine next to the only bench around. And it's a big one, goes around a tree, probably 20 ft ea way around.

I wait, and wait and wait. Finally call dispatch and get them to call the cust as we aren't allowed to have phone numbers on acct calls. They get back to me on the radio saying they can't get out of him where he is so they're just sending me the number and "good luck". (They've done this before if they can't understand the person, apparently I decipher drunk better than they. :o) It must be bad if they're sending me the number. I look at the screen again, he's an AMS patient. Neat. AMS = Altered Mental State. I've run into quite a few of these folks before, most of them aren't that bad.

I call the guy:

Me: Hi is this Daniel (I don't remember his name)?

He: Yes. Who is this?

Me: This is your cab driver, where are you?

He: I'm at 5th and Pine. Where are you? You're supposed to be here, right NOW to get me.

Me: I am here. I am parked at the corner of 5th and Pine.

He: No. You aren't.

Me: blink Yes. I am. Next to the bench.

He: I don't see you. You aren't here. If you don't come here RIGHT NOW I'm going to call your company and say you aren't fulfilling your contractual obligation to pick me up and I'm going to get you fired, RIGHT NOW.

Now that one kinda irritated me.

Me: I AM here, on THE CORNER of 5th and Pine. Where are you?

He: I am where I am supposed to be.

Me: OK, are you sitting on the bench?

He: NO.

Me: Then you aren't where you're supposed to be, so let me figure out exactly where you are so we can get you home. OK?

He: OK.

Me: So where ARE you? OK, I admit it, I'm a little frustrated now.


Me: DANIEL. Stop that, I am leaning on the corner of my car, AT the corner of 5th and Pine. I'm looking back to where he is supposed to come out of the building, a bunch of people just came out but only 1 is on his phone at that moment. Are you wearing a black jacket and a black hat?

He: I can see him looking down at himself. Yes.

Me: All right, look to your right. He looks to his left. No, the other direction. He looks right at me. Do you see me waving at you?

He: Looking RIGHT at me. No.

Me: ... what the ... For Crissakes Daniel, you're looking right at me.

He: He looks at me for another moment then looks to his left again. I don't see you, I think you're on 4th street. Can't you COUNT? You're supposed to be here to get me at 1:05 am, you're LATE. You're supposed to pick me up at 5th and Pine, at the park bench.

Me: at this point I'm walking across the street to get him. DANIEL. I'm your cab driver. Come with me. He's only about 30 feet from my cab. And where is this park bench?

He: That one, he points, right there.

Me: looking There is no park bench there.

He: Of course not, the city took it out months ago when they started working on the street. Sheesh.

Me: mentally tearing his altered mental state out of his ass. Then you shouldn't tell us to pick you up at the bench. I was waiting at that bench pointing next to my cab because it's the only one here.

He: But you cab drivers always pick me up at THAT bench. again pointing to the one that isn't there.

Me: But Daniel, if there is no bench there, how am I supposed to pick you up there?

He: Because you know where it is. DUH! What are you ... stupid?

Me: Gawd, this is going to be a long ride. No, I'm no stupid Daniel. Here's my cab, let's go. I open the back door for him.

He: Yes, you ARE stupid. I knew it, you aren't at 5th and Pine.

Me: Daniel, look at the sign, right here, next to the cab. Can you read that? It says "5th" and the other says "Pine".

He: Yes, I can read. I'm not STUPID like you. You are parked on the wrong street. I think you need to go back to kindergarten so you can learn to read. You're so stupid. You can't even find the bench you're so stupid.

This is way too much like 2nd grade for me. I was afraid I'd end up throwing him in the sand box like I did with Jodiwiththebigboobsin2ndgrade for making fun of me for having freckles.

Me: Slamming the back door shut before he gets in. Daniel, I tell you what, why don't you go sit on your park bench, I'm going to have to call you another cab. I'm too stupid to find your house and I would hate to have you stuck in my cab. Have a good night.

And I drive off before he could say another word.

Oh my GAWD. I can only take so much, even from AMS people. THIS is why I'm a cab driver and not working with the indigent.