This is an old one I never published 'cuz it's sad ...

When I worked for the other cab company (Brand X.) they didn't track how much we drove, when, where, or much of anything else for that matter. I kept my cab at home and drove whenever I got the urge, day or night, etc.

Early one morning last June I got sent to pick up the lady from the Marriott on Front St to take her to OHSU for her 'treatment'. This had been my 1st time getting her, but apparently she had a short term acct with us, she was in town for 2 wks getting some serious tests done and was going to Pill Hill to every single 4 hrs for a week so they could check the results. Her husband rode with her each time, holding her hand the whole way. She was weak, but in good spirits. I caught her on the last 2 days of her trips to the hospital and ended up readjusting my scheduled to pick her up every time so we had a lot of time to talk. They were a sweet couple. They ended up leaving the next day.

About a month later I get a call from her saying she was coming back to town for a bit and was wondering if I could pick her up from the airport and drive her around. Of course I did.

They're from Maine, long way from home. Her husband has to work and watch the kids this time, but he's calling her every couple of hrs to see how she is doing.

We have a bit more time to talk w/out her husband there. She tells me about how they were high school loves (in Texas) that lost touch, ran into each other on the street one day (in Montana) and reconnected 15 yrs later. Neither had children (and not from lack of trying) but were both married. They got divorced and married the day after both divorces were final then found out they were to be parents, to twins, a few months later. They are both madly in love with each other and their lives. It was a sweet story, and you could tell by her face she loved telling it.

She's only in town for a week and had one free day one so I took her around Ptld. Talking to her I found out she is an avid gardener and loves everything to do with plants so I took her up to the Rose Gardens, the Japanese Gardens (which, if you haven't seen, I highly recommend. It's a magical place) and out to Multnomah Falls. By the time we got to the falls she was moving a lot slower but still wanted to walk to the base and look at them. I got her back to the hospital not too long after that. She only stayed for another 2 days, but said she would call me when she came back to town the next month as the dr's said she was getting better and wouldn't have to be back for awhile. I took her to the airport one beautiful sunny day and was already talking to her about the places I would take her when she came back.

About 2 wks later her husband called me. She had peacefully died in her sleep the night before and she requested that he send me an airline ticket to get me out there and back for the funeral and that he give me a bit of money for driving her around that day as I wouldn't take any money from her then. I respectfully declined - she told me about their finances along with everything else we talked about. He also told me how she talked repeatedly about her last trip to Ptld and how much she enjoyed driving around with me, listening to my funny stories and anecdotes. She also asked that I forgive her for lying to me about getting better, but she didn't want to put a pall on our time.

He thanked me, repeatedly, for taking care of her while she was here as he couldn't be here due to work and kids. He said many, many other things that I couldn't really understand because he was crying almost as hard as I.

I'll never forget sweet Dauphine, and her incredible love for life and family.


"That crazy bitch called the cops on me!"

So I've added some odd little responsibilities to my cab driving, now I'm somewhat of a supervisor for the drivers. I'm dealing with them on a whole new level as well as being a fellow driver. Interesting dynamics, lemmetellya. One of the things that happens is that I'm getting all kinds of calls asking me all kinds of questions. I get a call Saturday night, while I'm driving from a driver (who also happens to be one of the guys that I spend quite a bit of time talking to):

He: You aren't going to believe what just happened to me.

Me: Shoot.

He: I picked up this lady, to take her just a couple of miles. She wasn't in the cab for more than 5 minutes and she was ALL over me. Would not leave me alone. Telling me "I love your voice", "You smell so good", "Your voice is really turning me on". And the like.

Me: Ho boy. You expect me to believe this, right? this happens more often than you would believe ... well, I mean, to the GUYS as well. :o)

He: I'm not kidding! And it gets worse.

Me: OK, but keep to the facts, please.

He: It's all true!! So I get her to her home and she asks me to help her carry her stuff in the house.

Me: You didn't ... ?

He: No! But I carried it to her door. She asked me to come in but I said no and left. She was really freaking me out. A little scary.

Me: Yeah. So that's the end of it?

He: No! She called dispatch a little while ago and said that she had left some stuff in the back of my cab.

Me: Don't tell me ... she wanted you to come back, right??

He: YES!! I told them I wouldn't go back there 'cuz she was crazy and didn't leave anything in my cab, but she left her number and they told me I had to call her. She was begging me to come back and finish what I started!!

Me: You mean with your sexy voice and all that??

He: Yes! She's nuts, I'm telling you.

Me: So what happened?

He: I hung up on her. See what I mean? I knew you wouldn't believe me.

Me: Ah. OK. So that's where it ended?

He: Yes.

Me: Well, as long as you don't call her back you should be all right.

He: Oh, I won't. Believe that.

nah nah nah .... 5 minutes later ... he calls me again ...

He: So she called dispatch and told them she found her stuff. They sent me a message telling me I was off the hook.

Me: Then I guess you're covered. Ya might wanna tone down that sex appeal though. Just a thought.

He: Ha. Ha.

nah nah nah ... 10 minutes later ...

He: She called me back! Like ... 15 times!! I'm not answering the phone, what do I do??

Me: Oh wow. Dude, I had no idea you were THAT sexy! heh Ahem. Don't answer. That's all I can tell you. Unless you wanna call the cops and tell 'em you're being stalked I don't imagine there's much you can do.

He: She's really starting to annoy me. I just might answer the phone and tell her off, crazy bitch!

Me: Now don't be doing that. Then she'd be able to call the company and complain about you. Just keep ignoring her.

He: Yeah. I guess you're right. I'm taking someone to a bar in Vancouver, I'll call you when I get done.

Me: Toodles.

nah nah nah ... 20 minutes later ...

He: She called the cops on me!!

Me: Wait, WHAT?

He: That crazy bitch called the cops on me! Told them I stole her stuff and wouldn't give it back or answer my phone.

Me: Whoa. So I'm assuming they called you, what do they want? The police I mean.

He: I have to go back down there and show them her stuff isn't in my car.

Me: Seriously? How are they going to know you didn't just toss it in the river on the way down?

He: I don't know. What do I do?

Me: Well, what did you tell them you'd do? Did you say you'd go down there?

He: Yeah. I mean, I have to, don't I?

Me: Well, I'm guessing if you called them back and told them to call dispatch and ask them about her calling and saying that she found her stuff you'd probably be off the hook pretty quick.

He: ... I forgot all about that! Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'll call you right back.

nah nah nah ... upshot ...

They called dispatch. They were able to tell them everything about where he picked her up, dropped off, how long he was there and about her calling back. He was off the hook for that one.

People are nuts sometimes, I tell ya.


I got a phone call this morning ...

'round about 3. It went like this:

He: Is this Trixie the cab driver?

Me: Yup. Can I help you?

He: I don't know if you'll remember me but you gave me a ride home about a week ago. I was really drunk ... ?

Me: Doesn't really narrow it down for me, did you do anything specific that made you memorable?

He: You said I was sufficiently hot. That ring a bell?

Me: No I didn't. I would never say something like that.

He: You did. I SWEAR.

Me: Wait ... wait ... I'm getting a flash here ... I said you were incipiently hot.

He: You said ... wait ... what? What's that mean?

Me: You were almost hot but not quite there yet. But that's neither here or there. You in need of a ride?

He: Yeah. Can you come get me?

Me: Possibly. Where and when?

He: I'm at the Justice Center downtown. And I'm hoping soon.

Me: Ah. Gotcherfineself arrested didja?

He: Yeah. Something stupid. Can you come and get me?

Me: Sure. Be about ... 15. That work for ya?

He: Yes. Please! Oh, and ... well ... ummmm ...

Me: Spit it out. Wassup?

He: Well, I'm hoping you can bail me out.

Me: ...

He: Still there?

Me: You're shittin' me right?

He: No. I don't know who else to call. Pleeeeeeease??

Me: There has GOT to be someone else you can call.

He: No. I tried my folks, they aren't answering the phone. My friends aren't allowed to have their phones on this late. I'm stuck here and need some help!

Me: Well, I'm certainly not going to bail you out of jail BUT I will drive to your folks house and try to wake them up. You're off South Shore drive in Lake O right?

He: Really? You'd do that?! Oh wow ... that is so cool of you!

etc etc

I woke up his folks. They weren't exactly happy, but they were glad I went 'n got them up.


I walked in on the middle of a conversation this a.m. ...

while getting gas at the Shell station, and I'm sure the first part of this conversation had to have been fascinating. Two ppl behind the counter, one foreign girl and American guy and customer, a National Guard guy.

She: You know who I think should be President?? Steven Seagal. I think he'd kick ass all over those foreigners.

Color me intrigued.

He1: Yeah!! Good choice! What about Schwarzeneggar? Didn't you see "Predator"?? He would totally kick Seagal ass AND the rest of the world.

She: Yeah, too bad he can't be president because he wasn't born here. I can't believe that's a LAW.

NGguy: You know the problem is that we live in the cesspool of the world. That's what I'm here for ... to clean up this country and make it what it used to be ... SAFE for the American people.

I was just standing there smiling at them all. Apparently it didn't look like a genuine smile 'cuz the guy behind the counter had to ask me who I thought should be President.

Me: Aw hell. I'm thinking that if you ppl are going to elect another actor into office it should be Chuck Norris, 'cuz really, who has EVER beat him? No one.

All of them agreed with me. It was quiet for a second while I paid for my fuel so I had to ask:

Me: Are ya'll planning on voting next month?

Two behind the counter said no. Nat Guard guy said yes.

Me: looking at the two behind the counter It's a damned shame you two aren't voting.

And I left.


Yeah, well, HERE'S some attitude for ya!

Hey ya'll, more thoughts on the last post. It started out as a rebuttal, and I was just going to leave a comment, but it got to be too much and decided to post it here for ya'll to have your say.

Yes, our co is much larger. We generally have about 4-5 dispatchers at any given time and all they do is answer the phone. We have about 20 people in our office to deal w/everything else and a lot lizard to deal directly w/the drivers. They hand out spare cars, do inspections, that sorta stuff so we rarely talk to the dispatchers other than on the radio.

Our dispatchers are not given any sort of power over us because our company understands that without drivers there would be no company. Yes, there are limits, and yes, we are certainly expendable, and Lord know there are plenty of people in line to take our jobs, but for the most part the drivers really are the important part of the company.

I don't know how this person comes off on the radio but I know that most of the dispatchers I've spoken with, at all cab companies, hate drivers. We're all quite low on the human totem pole to them. For that matter, to most of the people that get in our cabs as well. And I'm trying not to generalize here, because Lord knows there are bad drivers out here as well.

Not that this is a shock to any of you. This is a service industry job and most folk don't respect those in the service industry. Just the way it is. Sadly.

Yanno what? Just to make this interesting, I'm going to throw an opinion (or two) out here.

I WORK for a living. Not in an office, but I still work. 12 hrs a day, often 7 days a week. I pay my taxes. I vote. I don't litter. I don't abuse children or animals. (Drunks are a whole different type of animal :o) I've never been to jail or prison. I've not had illegitimate children so I could live off your money just because I can.

I did not go to college to become a cab driver but I needed a job one day so I did what all hard-working, conscientious Americans do ... I took whatever I could get to pay the rent. Which is more than a lot of American people are willing to do.

People complain about foreigners coming to this country and taking our jobs. Well ...

A) Our government has always allowed this. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that how this country was started? Didn't everyone come from somewhere else? Except the Indians and what happened to them? Exactly what's happening to us now, but on a larger scale. But we are allowing it, they were overwhelmed and practically wiped out.

B) A lot of people are too LAZY to work.

C) A lot of people are too good to flip burgers. Or clean up after people. Or drive cabs.

I've never mistreated anyone while I've done this job. But yes, sometimes my attitude can be a bit much. If you're not in my cab and doing something stupid, you probably wouldn't even see it.

And just because a lot of folks don't know how the cab biz is run in Portland here's a simple synopsis: we lease our cars from the company. The only money we make is from our customers. the company gives us nothing, monetarily. I PAY for the joy of working. When you include gas, I pay out more than twice what's considered poverty level for this country in a year. (Read that again to make sure you understand). I have to CLEAR this amount, and then make more to live on. Think about that.

Other cities pay their drivers, hourly or otherwise and give them benefits, etc., and still others are run differently. I make the best of my situation/job, and sometimes even enjoy it. Can a lot of other people say that? Really?? One of the reasons I can approach this job, and my customers the way I do is because I know that - for the most part- these people can't bring me down with THEIR attitudes.

Whew. That's all I have for now. Flay away at me. I'll try n' work up some sort of enthusiastic rebuttal.



Hey now, check this comment out ...

I got this off one of my old stories written awhile ago. This one -> http://heardinmycab.blogspot.com/2007/12/christ-jeebus-i-work-with-stooges.html
Can I just ask, why doesn't Blogger make some sort of "thing" that lets you know when you get a new comment on an older blog?? Or maybe they do and I just don't know about it ??? Anyone?

S/A said...

Your cab company is obviously bigger than mine. Maybe the division of labor is one of the reasons your dispatcher has less power. Where I work as a dispatcher that means I answer the calls, take the orders, deal w/ the customer service issues, dispatch the orders, do general office work etc etc etc and there's only one person here at a time. We have what we call a 10-x. If the dispatcher 10-x's you you are not permitted to work for however many days you are 10-x'd for. You're lucky he seems to not be able to do that because if a driver copped the attitude you present yourself as having much of the time with customers in your blog w/ me and then played that income card I'd 10-x you for a month.

For the love of Pete. Now I'm irritated. I hate when I feel I have to justify myself. Bah.

Edited to add: I did NOT scream all that. It's normal-sized in my editing screen. Blessed Blogger.


An older draft found in my archives, not published.

1) I get sent to outer SE Ptld to pick up a lady early one morning and take her for her daily meth dose at the clinic. I have about 10 mins before I'm due there and only a few blocks away so I stop to watch the ducks wander around the side of the road near a tiny little pond where they apparently live.

They're waddling along, being just as cute as ducks and baby ducks can be. As they start to cross the road a SUV comes from the other direction and has to stop to let them go by. The other driver and I exchange smiles and watch the ducks when I notice something ... odd. I did a double take, then got out of my car 'cause one of these poor little baby ducks has a DART sticking out of the side of it's neck!!! The lady asks me what's going on, I tell her and she gets out to try and help me herd the poor little duckie to one of us so we could do ... something. I dunno what. The momma duck hustles her babies away from the big mean people and off into the lake. I called the p.d. They said they would send someone out.

2) I had this girl get in my cab crying, quietly in the backseat. She tells me where to go, and if I could, get her there quickly. I take off. We're at 15th NE Alberta going to St. Johns. I get to MLK to go N and as I pull up the light turns red for me. I whip up to the corner and take a quick look left, there is only one car coming at me in the inside lane. So I jump on the gas and whip out into the outer lane to get out of the way. Well, turns out this one car was a cop. And he pulled me over. I turned off the meter, apologized and had a nice, loooong chat with the cop. He was angry. He didn't care that I pulled out in the far lane to get out of his way.

I ran the red light and pulled out into the wrong lane. blah blah. This guy read me the riot act. Up, down. Everything.

He: You know that if I wrote you a ticket you would lose your license, right?

Me: No chance. I've only had 2 tickets in my entire 30 yrs of driving and they were both over 5 years ago.

He: This is 2 violations in one incident. Yes, you COULD lose your license and since you drive for a living you might want to seem a little more concerned about it.

Instead of being concerned, I argued. Cuz that's just what I do. Especially when I feel someone is trying to belittle me in front of someone else. So we chatted. For quite awhile. Finally I say ...

Me: Dude, either write me a ticket or let me go. This girl has some place she has to be.

He: looks at the girl in the back, crying All right. Just because I don't want YOU to waste any more of your customers time I'm going to let you go, but you need to be a LOT more careful.


It almost scares me how funny I find this one.

I got sent to go pick up a younger-ish lady from BFE Gresham last night 'round about 1:30a. I get there, she's pretty drunk, but not overly. She's been drunk-dialing this fella that she met just a coupla nights before at a bar. They're texting back n' forth and what it comes down to is he is paying the cab to bring her to him. He lives just off downtown, NE.

She's gushing all over about what a great guy he is. Surprisingly still single and no children. Blah, blah, what a great guy.

I get her down there, she sends him a text saying she's there. He sends one back saying he'll meet her at the door (secure building). She leaves her stuff in the cab and walks up to the door. Right then a woman in a car w/the lights off pulls up next to her, on the street, honks to get her attention, calls her a bitch, takes her picture with a cell phone and yells "Just thought you'd like to know I have his cell phone. I'm the one sending you texts for the last hour. Whore!" Then drives off.

I'm doing my damnest to not laugh at her (where she can hear me) as she gets back in the car.

She: Shit. Now what am I going to do?

Me: I take it from that comment you don't have any money.

She: I have $15.

Me: Well, it's $40. Whatcha gonna do about this?

She: I don't know. Let me call my roommate.

She tells her what's going on and apparently the roommate asked to speak with me. Meanwhile the meter's running.

Me: Yes?

She2: Hi. You know what's going on with my girl there right?

Me: Yup. I was here for it all.

She2: Well, I got $20. My girl says she has $15. Is $35 going to be enough for you?

Me: No. The meter's at $40 and it's going to take another $40 to get her back to you to get the rest of the money.

She2: What the ... Well, I tell you what, that's just going to HAVE to do. If that's not good enough then I don't know how to help you so you're going to have to take the $35.

Me: Well, actually, no I don't HAVE to take the $35. And just for the record, I don't really care if you can help me or not ... it's not YOU that's going to jail.

I handed the phone back to the girl in the backseat. She starts throwing a fit on the phone about going to jail. I can hear the roommate telling her she isn't going to pay the fare so I pick up my phone and start dialing Multnomah non-emergency. Now she's crying and begging on the phone so the roommate agrees to pay the fare.

I get her back there, it's just over $90. The roommate hands me 5 20's off a stack that's about an inch thick and is cussing up a storm the whole time. I just take my money and leave.

So girls, let this be a lesson to you, never leave home without cab fare. Even if he says he's paying.


"And what do you suppose I named my daughter?"

I got sent to this nasty little neighborhood to pick up this lady and take her a short distance away. We got off to a good start, laughing about something someone in the parking lot was doing and whatnot. And then it happened ... my mouth outpaced my brain. Again.

She: I have to go buy my son some birthday presents later today.

Me: How old is your son?

She: He just turned 13.

Me: Wow. He's a teenager now. You excited about that?

She: No. Courvoisier has quite the mouth on him. I don't think it's going to get better as he gets older.

Me: I think that's a boy thing. They don't get any better as they get older.

She: Ain't that the truth.

Me: So you named your son Courvoisier? That's actually kinda cool. One I hadn't heard before.

She: Yeah. My sister named her daughter Brandy so I had to come up with something higher class. We both laughed at that.

Me: Shoot. Too bad you didn't have twins you could have named the other Hennessy. :o) I thought it was funny. Silly me.

She: Actually, his little brother IS named Hennessy.

Me: Well there ya go. :o) Still thinking we were laughing about it. To be fair, she laughed at that.

She: And what do you suppose I named my daughter?

Me: In keeping with the "classy" alcohols, I would guess Cristal.

She: No. We had just stopped and she was paying me at this point. Her name is not Cristal, you racist bitch.

Me: WHAT? It's not like I said you named her Alize'. Jeez.

She got out and slammed the door.

Damn. Whaddaya say to that?


Hey now, I gotta story for you ...

I got sent to the Acropolis (fairly popular strip joint just S of downtown) to pick up a coupla guys 'round about 1:45a last night. One guy gets in the cab (He1), 2 others are trying to convince a 3rd that they needed to leave. Took 'em about 5 minutes to do that so the 1st guy and I chatted for a bit. They were all pretty drunk, bachelor party. These are older guys, all mid-late 30's and the last of their group is finally "falling". We're heading to Oregon City (further south by about 15 minutes) so we have some time so they can tell me their "story".

After we're going ...

He#2: So, did you hear our story?

Me: You got a story?

He#3 and 4: OH BOY do we got a story!

Me: All right, let's hear it.

He#1: So we're at this bachelor party and we decide to hire ... um ... these ... ladies ...

He#2: Strippers!! We hired strippers. Let me tell it. We called around and found these girls that were willing to do a little girl-on-girl action for us for 500 bucks.

Me: Wow. That's some fairly serious money. I hope they were worth it.

He#3: Pssht. Not even close.

He#4: Maybe if we'd gotten to see at least ONE of them naked!

He#2: Sh! I'll tell it. So one girl shows up. She's waiting for the other to show so we're eating dinner, she sits there for about 1/2 an hour, eating and laughing with us. She decides to call her friend again. Dummy over here (He#3) decides to say something stupid to her and she gets a little nervous.

He#3: That's what she SAID.

Me: Uh-oh. I see where this is going...

He#2: Yeah, she decided to wait in the car for her friend.

Me: And you let her take the money with her, didn't ya?

He#2: Well, yeah. But she said her friend was probably just lost and needed to get out of the house to get better reception.

Me: shaking my head Oh man, I can't believe you fell for that!!

He#1: I KNOW! We're idiots.

He#3: But wait ... it gets better!!

He#2: Oh yeah! We go outside to check on her after about 15 minutes, we could see her sitting in her car the whole time and as we're out there talking to her another car pulls up.

He#3: An Escalade.

He#4: Full of mean looking Mexicans.

He#1: With guns!!

He#2: We thought we were going to die!! They jumped outta the Escalade, pulled their guns on us and she took off in her car. We all just stood there and watched her go. The guys didn't even say anything. Just got in their car and took off.

Me: Well, at least you lived to tell the tale.

He#3: Yeah, but we're out 500 bucks. The bitch!

Me: Yeah, but again, at least you lived to tell the tale. It could have been a whole lot worse. And think of the story you can tell at the wedding party!!

He#2: Oh no. I think we're never going to speak of this one again. Agreed guys?

They all agreed, then discussed possible ways of getting back at these people but decided the best thing to do was just to let it lie and chalk it up to experience.

I almost felt sorry for them. Almost.


Hi - remember me??

I'm moving ... back soon.


Advertising by pubescent boys ...

Yet another commercial that MUST be seen.


The results of playing chicken w/a train:

OTHER than dead, I mean... I was one of the 4 cab drivers that had to drive to Canby and pick up the folks getting off the train and drive them to Eugene. That's -------> what Amtrak had to pay me to get them down there.

I got these 3 little old ladies ... "Oh Honey, do you think you should drive so fast??" Me: Well, we are only going 60, the speed limit IS 65. "Yes, but ... you know ... we just KILLED someone." Thankfully they fell asleep after about 40 minutes. Sweethearts, but ... jeez.

Here's the link to the small bit of story I could find:



Wanna sick little laugh??

Just 'cuz I have nothing I wish to blog about ... one of my favorite blogs to laugh at and with: Cake Wrecks. You get commentaries and pics on cakes such as this:

And this:

And this:

And oh so many more.

And just 'cuz I'm too lazy to link:




Just cuz it's funny, and needs to be repeated.

Listen closely to the last line ... I just about fell off the couch when I saw this one on tv ...


Holy ... effin' ... don't MAKE me come in there!!!

3a: last night ... very slow night anyway ...

On the 'puter screen:

There is a lady at 223rd ne Halsey needs to go to Walmart, wants driver to help her w/groceries while meter runs.

I take it, I'm not too far from there anyway. I pull up.

Me: Hiya. This is your driver. I'm here, sitting in front of apt 674 (changed for your benefit ... I'm sure at least one of you'se guys is gonna wanna go hunt her down).

She: I live in 675.

Me: Yes, well there is no parking in front of 675 so I'm in front of 674.

She: You need to go down Halsey to ...

Me: No, ma'am, I'm here, now.

She: And turn left at 223rd ...

Me: I did. I'm here. NOW.

She: Turn into some-nasty-apt-complex-name to the ...

Me: MA'AM. I'm here, right now, in front of your apt.

She: ... to the last driveway. All the way to the back.

Me: One more time, MA'AM. LISTEN to me, I ... AM ... HERE ... NOW. Do you hear me?

She: Oh. WeeeeEEEEeeellll ... you're here?

Me: Yes. praying: thank you, thank youthankyou

She: NOW?

Me: Yeeeees. Right now. In front of your apt. Waiting on you.

She: Well. Are you going to help me with my groceries?

Me: Yes ma'am. As soon as you get in the cab and we go.

She: But that nice young man on the phone said he was going to find someone to help me with my groceries and call me back.

Me: He DID find someone. That's me. I'm here. Are you ready to go?

She: Well, no.

Me: Excuse me?

She: I was waiting for that nice man to call me back. I need help with my groceries.

Me: Ma'am, AGAIN, I am GOING to help you with your groceries if you get in my car ... RIGHT NOW.

She: But. I'm in my pajamas.

Me: So you called a cab when you weren't ready to go, is that right?

She: But he was supposed to call me back when he found someone to help me with my groceries.

Me: at this point I've already voided the call and am leaving her driveway. He did, he called me because you called him and now I'm here, calling you and you aren't ready to go when I call. decipher THAT one wench.

She: ......

Me: How long would you like me to wait?

She: 10 minutes.

Me: I'm not waiting 10 minutes.

She: What do you MEAN you aren't waiting?

Me: When you call a cab you are supposed to be ready to go. Them's the rules.

She: So ... you're just going to leave me here? With no food.

Me: Apparently. BUT, why don't you get dressed now, when you're READY TO LEAVE, call the company and they'll send you another cab.

She: Are they going to send you?

Me: No chance of me ever coming back here.

She: Good. I don't like you anyway.

And she hung up on me.

My conclusion is she wanted a man to give her some attention. Yanno what I mean? Bitch.

Other Stuff: Can I just say ... Holy effin' Keerist Batman!! WTF were the Braves thinking letting Teixeira go???? HUNH??!!! Who the eff is gonna switch hit after Chipper like that? I guess I should just be thankful that they at least waited long enough that we didn't have to pick up Big Sexy from the Mariners. Yet. 'Cuz you KNOW the Yankees are gonna dump him after his $390K's worth of work is over.

More Other Stuff: Speaking of Batman: Why is it I was the only person - in the entire effin' theater - that laughed out loud at the "magic trick" the Joker did with the disappearing pencil?? THAT was COMEDIC GENIUS and everyone in the theater looked at me like I was a criminal. Seriously. And I can tell you I don't have any sort of annoying laugh. Plebs.


"You think we're too DRUNK to drive?"

I got sent to Lucky's bar in Gresham last night, 'round about 2:30 to pick up someone. I got there at 2:45a and they were locked up tight. I finally got the security guy's attention (instructions say to contact doorman) and he tells me the people are sitting on the other side of the bar where their car is at. They are too drunk to drive and asked him to call them a cab.

I pull around the corner of the building and see a big ol' dumpster out there with a cop sitting next to it. Car's not running. Just ... hanging. I wave. He waves back. Whatever. I pull around the dumpster and there's the two and their car, arguing about waiting for the cab as it's taking too long and she just wants to go. He's arguing, but not too strongly. I pull up next to them - and can still see the officer - and say hi.

Me: Are you the folks that called for the cab?

He: Um ... I'm not sure.

Me: Well, I certainly wouldn't think about driving if I were you. You never know WHERE there might be cops hiding at.

She: What? You think we're too DRUNK to drive?

Me: That's what the door guy said.

She: Well, fuck you!! I don't need no fucking cab. I can drive my damned self home.

Me: Are you SURE about that? I mean really, I wouldn't if I were you.

She: FUCK YOU!!! Fucking cab drivers think they know every fucking thing!! Give me the fucking keys. I'm going home now. With or without you Dan.

Me: But you should know ...

She: Shut the FUCK UP!! I TOLD you I can fucking drive!!! FUCK OFF!!

Me: laughing All right. Well, I'm just going to wait right here for you guys to make it out the parking lot okay. You have yourselves a GREAT night!! and I just smile and wave.

She flipped me off and drove off. I waited for the cop to drive out and pull them over. I pulled out - I swear, no more than 50 yards down the road - and get stuck next to them at the light.

Me: rolling down my passenger window I was going to tell you, before you started cussing me out that there was a cop behind the dumpster. Toodles!!

And I drove off. Laughing my ass of for the next 1/2 hour.


"I'm Bambi"

I worked late into the morning yesterday (Mon) as I started late Sun night. Day shift rides are SO much different than the nights ... nowhere near as laid back. And a whole lotta medical calls.

I got sent to a low income hotel downtown to pick up someone and take him/her about 9 blocks to the dentist. I checked out the info and had to do a double take on the name "Bambi Cheerleader". blink blink ... triple blink I had to call the dispatcher and make sure of the name. I mean ... seriously.

Me: Hey there - I'm just checking, is this a persons' actual name or am I looking for someone with pom pom's that rooting for the wildlife?

Disp: Yeah, I know what you mean. I've seen some names come down the pipe but this is definitely one of the odder ones.

Me: No kidding. It says here "plus one" ... that one named Thumper?

Disp: ...

Me: No? How 'bout Flower then?

Disp: Are you done yet?

Me: Not even close, I can do this all day. What about ...

Disp: We're CLEAR. Next cab please.

Harumph. Fine then. I pull up to the hotel, no one outside waiting so I turn off the cab to wander in. (Can I just say I was DYING to yell out the name BAMBI CHEERLEADER to the group of folks sitting in the lobby!!)

As I'm getting out of the car and older gent comes out to ask me who I'm there to pick up. I tell him and he says "I'm Bambi" and gets in the car.

The guy is obviously mentally handicapped so I can't play with that one at all. There's a whole lotta jokes and snide remarks that just fizzled.

Still gotta wonder though.


I got sent out to the Skyline Pub (about 265th se stark) round about 1:30a last night to pick up these 2 really drunk cow-chicks. They were in the bathroom when I got there so I had to wait a few for these 2 to come staggering out to the car so I could take them 3 blocks to get home.

3 blocks. Apparently the designated driver got drunk so they opted to call a cab. (Just for the record, I'm not really opposed to these calls, I'd rather deal with the $4/ride than to have anyone on the road drunk driving. Even if I do have to drive 18 miles to pick 'em up.)

One of them was laying across the seat and the other had to dig in her purse to get her debit card out to pay the $4 tab, with no tip. The one laying on the seat was rooting around in the back seat for something: on the floor, on the seat. I asked if she was all right, she just gave me a dirty look and slammed my car door. I just smiled and drove off. Typical drunk. Usually the females are the ones that slam the door.

Anyway, on the way to my next call (and less than 5 minutes later) I get a msg on my screen with a phone number telling me to call it about a lost purse. I pull over and check the back seat, nothing there. I call the number.

Me: Hey, this is your cab driver.

She: Yeah. I left my purse in your cab.

Me: No, actually, you didn't. I pulled over to look and it's not here.

She: Are you sure?

Me: Yup. Are you sure you had it with you?

She: Well, hell. Where ELSE would it be? It HAS to be in your cab.

Me: Well, hell. It could be at the bar 'cuz it's not in my cab.

She: So, WHAT? You stole my purse?

Me: Nooo. Did you call the bar?

She: I didn't GO to no bar tonight damn it. It's in your damn cab!! I KNOW I left it there.

Me: Just like you KNOW you didn't go to a bar tonight, right?

She: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I picked you up FROM a bar. And when you call ask them to check the bathroom, that's where you were when I got there.

She: Bull puckey. (heh) I told you, I didn't GO to no bar tonight. SSSIIIIIIIISSSSSSEEEEE!!! yelling at her friend Where did we go tonight? ............ WHAT bar?? Shit. All right. to me Never mind. and she hung up on me.

Me: looking at my phone You're welcome.


This is the one that made me stop early last night:

I get sent to a bar in Beaverton about 1:45a. It's been a typical slow Monday night so the only thing to really look forward to is the -lack of- bar rush at 2:30 when they all close. I'd been sitting for about 1.5 hrs before this, reading. I had just finished my book (Terry Brooks ya'll!) and was seriously considering going home when I got this call.

I head over to Monty's and flag the 'tender to have him find my folks and go wait in the car. This guy and girl come out. Drunker'n all get out, staggering and yelling at the cars driving bar. Which, btw, are nowhere near where they are. They just think it's funny.

They walk up to my car, the side window is down and the girl gets excited 'cuz they got a girl cab driver! She gets so excited that when she flops down into the back seat she loses her balance and grabs the door frame to catch herself. And takes my weather stripping for that door with her. :-(
It comes about 1/2 way out and is basically wrapped around her drunken neck.

She: What the fuck ... ? Is this?

And pulls it away from her, across the seat and just yanks the entire thing off.

I got that look on my face. You know the one I'm talking about.

She: WHAT? I didn't do that!! I don't know what the fuck is wrong with your car. I didn't TOUCH that damned thing. Don't look at me like that. FUCK.

The guy gets in the car, rolls up the weather stripping and tells me he'll pay me extra to get them home. It's not that far, (I've actually picked these two up before, it isn't that far. And last time they were just as drunk as they are now) and he'll pay me extra for the weather stripping.

Whatever. Get the fuck in and lets go.

She: It's my birthday!! silence. I think she was expecting me to say something. What? Oh. You're pissed. I get it. Your piece of shit car falls apart and you're pissed at ME! Shit.

The guy calms her down. Shuts her up. She offers to blow him in the cab since it's her birthday and " ... that bitch of a cab driver won't care. Might be the only thing that makes her smile tonight."

I pull over, we're only about 2 blocks from their home.

Me: That's it. You're walking. Have a good night.

The woman gets out, slams the back drivers' side door and walks around to the passenger side. The guy is trying to convince me that I should just take them the rest of the way. He has $40 in his hand and asking if I want more when she opens his door to tell him to get out and not pay me for anything since I'm making them walk.

When she yanks open the door and tries to lean in and reach for him she loses balance, again, and grabs the door panel this time.

Yep. Yanked it right the fuck off. I got pissed. I can only take so much, yanno?

Me: What the FUCK? If you can't handle your fucking alcohol then for Crissakes stay at home and tear up your own shit!

I put the car in park and get out. Dude has got out of the car and is trying to help her up. She's bitching about suing the company for the piece of shit car that just attacked her and made her fall to the ground.

I just walk around and grab the door panel from the ground, put it in the car and drive off. Pissed. But restrained myself from saying something further to the drunks 'cuz really, ya can't argue with stupid drunk.

BTW: He left $60 on my back seat. I had to turn in my cab for maintenance after them 'cuz I couldn't pick up anyone else after that. Not really worth it, but hey, I didn't have to kill anyone.


Lord help me ...

but I wanted to kill this guy before I was done with him. If you can read through this one it's fairly amusing. (In an Oh-My-Gawd I need to kill something now sorta way.)

I get sent to make a delivery. A laptop, a high dollar laptop from SE 6th and Powell to the John Ross Bldg on the waterfront, SW (high dollar condos just SW of downtown).

I am only about 5 blocks away from the pick up address so get there fairly quickly. No one answers the door so I get back to my computer and start calling the phone numbers given to me for the order. I get vmb at the first number; the guy that owns the laptop and is paying the fare/the drop off address then call the 2nd. I get the guy that has the laptop, he's upstairs at the pick up address, didn't know someone was coming to get it.

He tries to call Dude that owns the 'puter and gets his vmb as well. He decides he doesn't wanna deal with it any longer and gives me the 'puter. Tells me if I can't find Dude to bring it back to his place and he'll pay for the fare. If not, it's not his laptop so he doesn't really care what I do with it.

I get to where I'm dropping off (just a few minutes later as they're right across the river from each other, less than a mile as the crow flies) and try Dude again. Vmb. I left another msg. Tried the 2nd phone number of guy where I picked up, his phone goes to vmb as well. I call dispatch, they have 1 more number for me to try. I do and get some random fella, turns out dispatch transposed some numbers. I call the correct number, it's for the concierge at the JR Bldg. IT goes to vmb too. Pssht. By this time I'm getting somewhat irritated.

So I called Dude again, left a msg saying I was taking his 'puter back to where I picked it up from. If the guy there didn't answer I was going to give it to dispatch and he could pick it up from the office on Monday.

As I'm heading back I get a phone call from Dude:

He: Yeah, you're supposed to be dropping off a computer for me. Where is it?

Me: Did you get the messages I left you?

He: Yes. What the hell? You couldn't find the place?

Me: I left a msg when I was downstairs so yes, I found the place but I don't have an apt # and you didn't answer your phone.

He: ... you're a cab driver, you're telling me you don't know where the John Ross Bldg is?

Me: One more time, I FOUND your house, YOU didn't answer your phone.

He: What about he concierge?

Me: He wasn't at his desk and the phone went to voice mail.

He: Well, where's my computer?

Me: Here with me. In my car. Just about a mile from your house.

He: Oh, so you DO know where it is. Then why the hell didn't you drop it off?

Me: Look, we're not communicating here. I'm driving back to your place now, why don't you tell me where you want me to meet you and we'll get this taken care of, K?

He: It's only, like, the MOST expensive place in Portland. It's the place where Batman would live if he lived in Portland. Why can't you find it?

Me: DUDE. Do you think you're Batman?

He: Huh?

Me: Never mind. I didn't ask you for the address, I asked you where you want me to MEET you.

He: Well, you could meet me here.

Me: Yeah? How about I might you right HERE instead?

He: Well, how the hell am I supposed to know where YOU are?

Me: EXACTLY. Where the hell are YOU? I am in front of your building right now.

He: What? NOW?

Me: What part of this are you not understanding? I am AT your building right now. Do you want to tell me your apartment number or shall I just take it to our office and you can pick it up on Monday?

He: Well, I'm not home.

Me: Um, excuse me, but WHAT?

He: I'm grocery shopping. I'm at the QFC on 54th and Burnside.

Me: You're shittin' me, right?

He: No. I just assumed you people would take at least 2 hours to get to my call so I went shopping. I'm out of wine.

Me: So that's why you didn't answer your phone.

He: Yes. You people ALWAYS take forever to get to me so I assumed you would this time too.

Me: at this point I've already left his home and am heading to base to drop his 'puter with them. So, let me see if I've got this right: You called a cab to pick up a computer from your friend, without telling said friend that someone was coming to get it. Then you immediately leave your home, where the driver was to drop off your computer because you assumed it would take a couple of hours to get the 'puter to you and now YOU are mad at ME for being too efficient. Is that about right?

He: In a nutshell.

Me: All right then. I'm going to drop your computer off at dispatch. You can pick it up from them on Monday when the office is open.

He: Wait. You aren't going to wait there for me?

Me: Nope. I've already left.

He: Wait, wait wait. I really need that computer I have to ...

Me: interrupting Well, if you REALLY needed it you would have been here to pick it up, right?

He: Look, you're being somewhat irrational about this whole thing. First you get there WAY sooner than I thought then you can't FIND the drop off address and now you're just going to TAKE my computer and give it to some stranger at your office? I think there could be a lawsuit involved in this somewhere.

Me: I'M being irrational? YOU'RE being an asshole. I told you where your computer will be and when you can pick it up. I'm done talking to you.

I hung up on him, went to base and dropped his computer.



A coupla personal notes:


My book is basically finished. All but for some drawing that I wanted to do. I was getting all excited about it: took awhile, but I got it. Got it backed up to a disc ... just in case - RIGHT?!! (Ya never know so you always have a 'just in case' back up.) I had also -JUST IN CASE- printed out the whole damned thing as I was going along. Not the finished product, just the edited version as I went along. All that excitement made me tired so I shut down my 'puter and went to bed.

I've never backed up anything in my entire effin' life, but THIS is the thing I wanna make sure survives the holocaust.

My roommate comes home and gets on the 'puter (he works days, I work nights) and does his typical 'Oh-my-Gawd-there-HAS-to-be-SOME-porn-picture-on-the-internet-that-I-haven't-seen-yet' search. And downloads some nasty little virus.

Killed my 'puter. Dead. Disc still in it and not coming out. Fucker.

So him being the manly computer geek that he isn't, and feeling really bad about killing my 'puter he decided to fix it. His idea of fixing it is to mind wipe the whole thing. Start from scratch. Now I'm not saying that I would EVER have any illegal stuff on my 'puter, even in this day and age of the key generators (whistling innocently) but you mind wipe a 2000 HP back to the original state and you're bound to lose some things.

Like, everything. Double fucker.

SO, even after taking it to my favorite 'puter geek there's nothing I can do with it. It's all gone. Although he did get the disc out, so not a TOTAL loss. As long as you don't count my pictures and my entire 8 years of life on my 'puter. Fucker. Fucker. Fucker.

Too bad I couldn't be smart and back up everything else as well as the book. Did I learn NOTHING from watching every single episode of "Sex and the City"?!! (the girls will get that reference, guys ... prolly not.)

But hey, there's gotta be a silver lining ... right? I've been wanting to get a new 'puter for awhile and this is the perfect opportunity, so I indulged. Better. Stronger. Faster. I got the Jamie Sommers version of the 'puter. For me, anyway. (And NO, Dave2, it's not a Mac!!)

I get all excited about my new toy. Get it all set up and playing with the settings and whatnot. Even took a night off to play with it. Whoooooo ... it's fast! Having all kindsa fun with it, setting up the PASSWORDS and whatnot then decide to get down to business.

I put my disc in, up pops the little 'what doya wanna open this with' window and ... wait. Where's ... ? WHAT? Whaddaya mean Vista has NO WORD PROCESSING PROGRAM??!!! Are you shitting me?! Motherfu ....

SO. That's where I am on the book. Let's all bow our heads and pray that I don't kill someone. Although if I do, I'll have plenty of time in prison to long-hand it all.


I finally broke down and bought myself an iPod. Just a Shuffle, the 2GB version. Only 500 songs. Cute lil tiny green thing. Adorable, actually. (I had to get the little one 'cuz I don't wanna have something that some poor, desperate sonnabitch might wanna rob me for in the cab.)

How in the FUCK did I ever live without the music I want to listen to for so long?!!! Oh Holy effin Christ I'm in love. Radio schmadio.

AND: A note to Visa: Yes. When you get that Apple charge for $380 just go ahead and pay it. I have an addiction.


"Um, Hi. Can you help me out here?"

The set up:

I get sent to a tiny little dive out in the middle of Redland, OR to pick up a guy. I get there, there's a total of 7 ppl in there, including the female bartender. The guy is in the process of getting kicked out for calling a lady a c*nt. The bartender is trying to help/force him out and a guy patron is trying to do the same but he's getting a bit angry about them touching him. I'm listening to them talk and figure he's my guy ... this is gonna be a fun one.

Me: Hi. to him. I'm your cab driver. You wanna leave these mean people now, don'tcha?

He: stares at me drunkenly Hey pretty lady! HA! BITCH! to the lady he was yelling at, not me. This pretty lady WANTS to take me home. Fuck YOU. I'm going home with her.

The bartender is thanking me - quietly - in the background. The lady that was getting yelled at starts yelling at him again, making him angry again. He turns around to say something at the door. I turn around real quick to her:

Me: HEY! I point at the bartender You shut her up, right now or I'm leaving him here. I don't want him in my car, angry.

The 'tender grabs the lady and turns her around. I "accidentally" run into the guy at the door and push him out. He gets distracted and decides to get in the cab.

Me: All rightee. Where we off to?

He: I'll show you. Milwaukie. Off McLaughlin.

Me: Ok. But can I have your address in case anything happens?

He: I'll SHOW you. Damn woman. Let's just get outta this place.

Me: All right. But you gotta be nice to me.

He: Yeah yeah. You ain't no bitch. You're fine. Just take me home.

So we're driving along. He's nodding against the back seat. Great. He's gonna pass out. We get to lower McLaughlin and I wake him up to get directions. He tells me to keep going up McL. I have to shake him to get his attention so he gets angry.

He: FUCK! WHAT? Goddamn woman. Just take me home. Fuck. Fucking bitches. Always ... mumble mumble. And he passes out again.

I'm trying to remember where the closest cop shop is to where we are. I'm not really looking forward to trying to wake him again and there's no chance I'm gonna try and snag his wallet. (He's a big guy, did I mention that? Probably 6 2" and 250.)

I opt for the sheriff's dept at Oak Grove and McL but there's no one there, doors are closed and locked. Shit. So I pull back up to McL and try and wake dude again. I'm at the light by the Jack in the Box and shakin' the hell outta dude to wake him so naturally he comes up swinging!! Asshole. Fortunately he missed - got the back of my headrest - and slid over in the seat and started snoring.

I'm a bit shaken, but calm. I take a breath and look at the light, still red and at the 7-11 across the street and it's like I hear the Angels singing from heaven: "Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!" Right there, in the 7-11 parking are 3 officers from the sheriff's department! Whoot! I pull across McL and into the parking lot.

I get out of the car and walk over to the 3 officers; 2 men and a woman. They have 2 young girls in cuffs and are chewing them out for a) being out after curfew (they're both underaged) and b) having a single leaf of pot in the bottom of a bag. The girls are bawling, the cop is chewing them out and the other 2 cops are trying not to laugh.

Me: Um. Hi. to the female cop Can you help me out here?

She: What's the problem?

I tell her what's going on and she tells the 2nd guy cop what's happening, he agrees to help her get dude outta the back of my car after he gloves up. At this moment he gets called off to a car accident just down the road so she has to enlist the help of the cop that now has the girls in the backseat of his car. He says he'll help so they walk over to the cab.

HeCop: Hey! Wake up! no movement from dude. HEY! still no movement. All right. I'm going to grab his arm, you grab the other.

Me: Um, just so you know, I say, from the front bumper of my car he seems to have a fairly serious issue with people touching him. Just an observation.

HC: Trust us, this is what we do.

So he reaches in and grabs him. Dude is slowly coming to, but it's slowly working. HC gets dude out far enough that She Cop grabs his arm and they start yanking, hard. THIS got dude's attention, he comes up swinging at the cops. HC pulls out his stun gun and just LAYS it on dude! They're STUN-GUNNING dude in the back of my cab!!!

Well NOW dude is *fully* awake. Starts yelling and screaming, swinging and whatnot. I'm standing there with my hand over my mouth just staring. By this point everyone at the 7-11 is out watching the goings on as well.

So they finally get him wrestled outta the car and onto the ground, still stun-gunning him and get him cuffed. Dude is screaming at the cops, wide awake and highly upset. Flopping around on the ground like a fish. I still got my hand on my mouth.

HC: looks up at me Are you all right?

Me: Oh, yeah. Sure. I'm not the one in cuffs on the ground.

He just smiled at me. He drops down onto dude's back w/a knee to hold him still while SC frisked him. She tosses a knife onto the pavement then finds a gun (!!!) in an ankle holster. Dude's toast, headed to jail.

SC: to HC Look, I don't think I can handle this guy, you wanna take him in?

HC: Sure I ... wait ... I got the girls. he looks at her. Then to me he says Hey, I need a favor.

Me: Um. Sure.

HC: I need you to take these girls home to Naef Rd about a mile from where we are. I've already called their parents so I need you to turn them over to the folks. Can you do that for me?

Me: Sure.

So he gets them outta the back of his car, uncuffs 'em and tells them I'm taking them straight home, to their parents. They get in my cab, still sniffling and I give HC my contact info, he gives me the girls info. Then he asks if I got paid, I tell him no so SC pulls money outta his wallet to pay me the fare. No tip. ;o)

I get in my cab and the girls are over their trauma and putting on their make up. One of the girls is bitching to the other:

Girl: Can you beLIEVE he was going to arrest us for having an old leaf??!! I mean. What the FUCK? she looks at me Can you believe that? What fuckers!! And what the FUCK is up with this curfew bullshit?

Me: You realize they're just looking out for you, right? You shouldn't be out at this time of night, hanging at a 7-11. There are some MEAN motherfuckers out here, trust me, I know. Especially since the bars are soon closing and you're only 2 miles from the biggest strip joint on this end of town.

The little bitch ROLLED HER EYES at me!!! What the ... ?

Me: HEY! Don't you roll your eyes at me you stupid little wench! I am the ONLY reason you aren't going to jail right now so you had better - at the very LEAST - have the damned respect to at least LISTEN to me or I will get the attention of one of those cops and have them take your ass to jail. RIGHT now.

Both their eyes got all big and scared. They're just staring at me.

Me: WELL?? What's it going to be?

Girl: You're right. I'm sorry. And hey, thank you for saving our asses. Really. We DO appreciate it.

Me: That's better.

I turn around and we drive off. I hear them whispering to each other in the back. I get about 3 blocks from their home and hear:

Girl: Um ... driver? Can you take us to my boyfriend's house? Or just drop us off here and we can walk.

Me: You have GOT to be shitting me!! Just so you know, when I read about you two silly bitches getting raped and killed from some drunk idiot in the middle of the night, I won't be at your wake. Now just shut up until I get you home.

I pull up and their mom is hanging at the door, waiting. Apparently the cop called mom and told what to expect so she came out and hauled the girls outta the back of the car. I'm sure they'll be sporting some bruises for awhile.

Driver's note: As soon as dude came up swinging I knew there was no way I was going to deal with this fucknut. The reason I'm saying this is I told another driver what happened and he said I should have just let dude out on the street somewhere instead of having him arrested.

I've been in some fairly ugly situations, but I've survived this job so far by not being overly stupid, so I hope none of YOU guys judge me for tracking down the cops so quickly.


Get sent to a tiki bar on NE Broadway one night to pick up a girl named Greta.

I get there and call the number given. I get voice mail and leave a msg: "This is your cab, I'm leaving. If you need another call the company back at ... "

As I'm hanging up on the vmb I get a call coming in from the number I just called and left a msg.

Me: Hello?

She: Hi, you called me? giggle

Me: Hi, this is your taxi, I'm outside the bar, do you still need a ride?

She: giggling and whispering to her friend in the background I think you have the wrong number.

Me: I'm sorry, I was given this number to reach Greta.

She: Well, I'm Erica. You have the wrong number. It's 2 o clock in the goddamned morning!! Don't you check your numbers better than that? What the hell is wrong with you? I should complain to your company calling the wrong number at this time of the morning! giggle giggle shush shush

Me: ... Ah. So then when I called a moment ago and got the vmb that said "This is Greta with So-And-So Company, please leave a message" I got the wrong number? Gee. Guess I'll have to call that company in the morning and tell them someone is randomly giving out their employees' cell phone numbers to cabs to pick up people at bars. I'm sure they'll want to look into that.

She: Um ... I'm sorry. We lied. We already got a cab.

Me: Ah. So I'm guessing you don't want me to call your company in the morning either, eh?

She: Please!!??!!

Stupid little wench.


Random Portland Facts...

One of the fun things about driving a cab is that people are often asking questions about Portland, I wander around the 'nets trying to find interesting things to tell visitors.

The Taco Bell at 21st and W Burnside has the busiest Fri and Sat night sales out of all the TBell's in this country. (according to the grave manager in the window)

Portland has the smallest city park inside the city limits of any city in this country: Mill End Park. It is 2.5 feet in diameter.

Portland's Forest Park has over 5,000 sq acres, it's the largest urban wilderness in this country.

Portland has more strip clubs, per capita, than any other city in this country.

Portland has more micro breweries inside their city limits than any other city in the world.

Portland has the second largest copper hammered statue in the country. Largest being the Statue of Liberty: Portlandia.

Portland has the filthiest river in the country running right thru downtown: the Willamette.

Portland is the 23rd largest city in this country. 3rd largest on the west coast.

Multnomah County (dntn Portland) is - geographically - the smallest county in the country with the largest population.

Harney county in Oregon is larger than 10 of the states in the US.

Oregon is the 10th largest state in the country.

It is illegal to pump your own gas in Oregon.

In 2008 voted:

#1 for Greenest Cities (Popular Science)
#5 for Cleanest Cities (Forbes)
#1 best city to have a baby (Fit Pregnancy)
#2 largest bicycle commuter city (Bicyclist)

Portland and Bend, OR are the only 2 contiguous US cities built w/extinct volcanoes inside their city limits.

We have no sales tax in Oregon. But we make up for it with property and income taxes.


Last (and most amusing) sailor story of this year.

I just dropped off a girl that works at the Acropolis (strip joint) in Milwaukie and get sent down to lower Gladstone (by the river) to pick up a girl 'round about 3a the last Friday of the Rose Festival (sailors ship out on Monday).

I get there and a sailor comes out of the house and pulls open the passenger, front door.

He: Hey there. We just want to ride around for awhile, ok?

Me: Sure, I literally have all night to wander about at your whim.

He: Cool. How much is that going to cost?

Me: Well, if you just sit in the cab it's $30/hr. Our meters go off mileage, the further you go the more it will cost.

He: All right, I'm paying. And how do you feel about if we do ... um ... anything else?

Me: Well, are you asking if you can have sex in the car? I'd rather you didn't.

He: But you're cool with that, right?

Right then his girl came out. He opened the back door and let her in the passenger side, he walked around to the other side. I looked at her. She's an adorable little thing, cute and young. Like, barely 18, if that.

Me: Hey there.

She: Hi. How you doing?

Me: Fine. I hear you're trying to find someplace to have sex and want to do it in my car?

I'm an instigator. What can I say?

She almost fell off the seat she was so shocked. He got in and boy was he in trouble! (heh heh)We went thru the whole "I did NOT say that!" "Yes, he did." "She's lying." "No, I'm not." thing that you have to go thru with young boys but they finally worked it out and we were off to downtown Portland.

When we get to the 'skirts of dntn they're laying on the back seat and not paying much attention to the "view". I interrupt to ask them where they wanna go.

He: Um. I don't care. Just drive around.

Ah. Ok. I wander up the "Scenic Drive" we have that starts on W Burnside and go to the top of Council Crest (famous make-out spot) but it's closed so I wander back down the hill. I hit Burnside again, they're still occupied so I head up thru Washington Park. And down the backside. Over to the west side of town. Hit the freeway back up to Sylvan, cross to Skyline and out Germantown Road. (those of you that don't know our town that's a loooong ass way to just wander) Beautiful views though so at least I got something outta it. Besides paid, o' course.

So aside from the beautiful view I get I have to listen to:

"Come on, just let me touch it for a second."
"I don't knoooOOOOooow."
"What if we never see each other again?"
"If we're meant to be together we will be."

And many variations of this ... for the whole ride. In between slurping sounds and whatnot. Thank the good Lord for the radio.

Finally, after 2 hours I got a bit irritated so I start heading back to her house. We get about a mile from their place and I interrupt, again to let them know they're almost back where they started. The girl gets angry that I did this.

She: We TOLD you we wanted to drive around for awhile.

Me: We've been driving around for 2 HOURS. It's 5 o'clock in the morning. Don't you have to be to the ship by 6?

He: Yeah. How'd you know?

Me: I've met a lot of sailors the past couple of days.

She: You can't stay?

He: Weeeeelllll ....

Me: Look, you aren't getting any. I know it. You know it. She DEFinately knows it and I'm tired of hearing it. Do you want me to give you a ride back to your ship?

He: Yeah, I suppose.

She: Wait a minute! Don't you have to do what we say? You ARE the cab DRIVER. We are PAYING you.

Me: Actually, no. I don't. I can choose to do what you want, but I can certainly call you another cab if you want to keep wandering around. And he wants to miss his ship.

She: Well, I can tell you, I'm not going to tip you. Bitch.

Me: From I understand you aren't actually paying for the ride. And since the fare is $180.00 so far I'm really not all that concerned about the tip at this point. BUT I have a tip for YOU: after a certain point, you either give it up or stop all together. Anything else is just cruel.

She just glared at me and got out of the car. The guy looked at me for a second, handed me $200 and asked me to wait a second so he could say goodbye. Which actually took another 20 minutes. He handed me another $40 to get him back to the ship. Plus tip.

What an annoying ride. But lucrative.

Other Stuff: I just know ya'll are going to be thrilled to know I just got my free Oreo Cakester from Walgreens. Guy forgot to ask so I did. heh. He had to call the manager and everything. Funny stuff.

Hey! I didn't say I wouldn't take advantage of the offer, I just didn't care for the offer.

Until now.

Those little things aren't bad at all. ;o)


"I just saw a guy howling at the moon"

Them: Multnomah County Non Emergency, how may I help you?

Me: Hi, I just saw a dude howling at the moon.

Them: Um, excuse me ... ?

Me: I just saw some dude howling at the moon.

Them: Uh ... ok. And you're calling me because ... ?

Me: He's standing in the road while he's doing it.

Them: Ah. Ok. Where is he?

Me: Right at about 127th and Stark.

Them: Ok. And what exactly is he doing?

Me: Jumping up and down, waving his arms at the sky and howling.

Them: Really?

Me: Oh yeah. Too bad we can't see the moon tonight, huh?

Them: Well, if there is no moon tonight then how do you know that's what he's doing?

Me: Well, I don't know, per se, but I saw the Powerball numbers earlier so I know he didn't win, what else would he be doing?

Them: Well, if he isn't really causing any problems then we might be able to send an officer by later when one frees up.

Me: Thank you. I'm sure the people that are having to dodge him in their cars while he's jumping in the street will be incredibly grateful.

Them: ... I'm sorry, where exactly did you say he was?


Other Stuff: I just went to Walgreens to pick up something after work. I hand the girl at the counter my stuff:

She: And would you like to try an Oreo Cakester this morning? and points to the display next to the register.

Me: Um ... no. But thanks for asking.

She just smiled at me. I look at the display and see the sign underneath the box of Cakesters "If we don't ask you if you'd like a Cakester you get it for free!!"

Me: Hm. So what? Now you guys are just like Taco Bell ... "If we don't ask if you'd like a drink it's free!" type o' thing?

She: I suppose so.

Me: Gotta make you appreciate your job just that much more.

She: And I get $.05 for everyone I sell.

I just smiled and left. Driving off in my truck I got to thinking how incredibly annoyed I was by this. Why can't they have something out there for charity ... "If we don't ask you if you'd like to donate we'll donate a dollar ourselves!!" instead of something fattening.

Use your powers for good, damn it.


It's Fleet Week in Portland again.

Portland is covered in sea men!! (You would not believe how many times I've heard some variation on this comment in the last week.)

I gotta give 'em credit; they're much more subdued this year than the last few. I think our sliding economy is helping that along though.

Anyway -

Was driving down W Burnside into town and saw 2 cute, younger fellas sitting on some boxes at the curb at about 20th. They look weary. Apparently too tired to get up and flag a cab as one of them just waved a coupla fingers as I was driving by. I pulled up and rolled down the window.

Me: Hi boys. Need a ride?

Boy1: YES!! they get in the cab We've been flagging every cab driving by but they've all got people in there or they're just ignoring us.

Me: Yeah, we are kinda busy w/all the sailor boys in town. Where we off to and can I ask ... is that BEER you guys were sitting on?

Boy1: Yeah, we bought 2 racks for a party but when we got there we found out it was the wrong address the girl gave us.

Me: Ouch.

Boy1: Yeah, we started walking and then got tired of lugging this shit around so we decided to grab a cab.

Boy2: Good thing you stopped when you did, I'm down about 4 beers in this box.

Me: Sitting there a long while were you?

Boy1: You have no fucking clue. Dude. I'm so tired of walking. And sitting. And waiting on cabs.

Me: And lying girls.

Boy2: Don't even get us started on that shit.

Me: Sounds like you started that one all on yer own. Anyways, where we off to?

Boy1: My house cool with you? Nod from his friend. He looked at me, I nodded as well. ::shrug:: We're going to 1st and Arthur. Know it?

Me: By the 7-11?

Boy1: Yup. Down past there to Macadam. You cool with us drinking our beers?

Me: Just don't make a mess. Or throw them at anyone.

We start off, laughing about silly things when we get near the 7-11 Boy1 asks me to stop there so they can get munchies. I pull in, Boy2 gets out to get nachos, chips, etc and then Boy1 says they might need more beer so get another 1/2 rack.

As Boy1 and I are sitting there shooting the sh*t this really hot girl comes stumbling up the driveway carrying her shoes and looking a little worn down.

Me: Lookit that poor girl. Must've been a long walk, eh?

He looks and just about slid off his seat. She came walking towards us.

Me: If she wants a ride are you going to let her in? (this happens quite often in my cab.) He just sits there dumbly and stares at her. I reach back and pop him upside the head. HEY! Yes or no? Not much time here. You want me to get her for you or not?

He: You can do that? Hell yeah!!

She: Hi. Are you available?

Me: Well, I've got these 2 nice young boys in my car now, but I'm sure they'd be willing to let you ride along.

She: Eyeballs boy with tongue hanging out of his mouth for a moment. to me: I don't know.

Me: You look like you've been walking awhile. Got a ways to go?

She: I am SO tired! My friends left me and I've been walking all this way from 2nd and Burnside. I'm heading down towards the water tower. John's Landing ... conveniently on Macadam.

Me: How convenient, these guys are heading the same way. I'm sure they'll let you ride along. Hunh Junior?

Boy1: Uh. Oh. Hell yeah. Anywhere you need to go.

She: I dunnnnnooooo ...

Me: Look, you'll be safe in my cab and odds are good I could take both these guys so hop in, it's not that far.

She: All right.

She hops in the front, silly boy in the back still hasn't gotten his tongue back into his mouth and Boy2 comes out of the store, he just about drops his beer and munchies when he sees her. He gets in the car and I explain to him his friend agreed to give her a ride home. Boy2 to this point has been really quiet, not so much so after she got in the car. He turned up the charm and I just let him do his thang.

By the time I got the boys to where they were going (they were getting dropped off first then her) she was talked into going into their place and drinking some beers with 'em. I checked to make sure she was serious and then gave her my number for when she needed to go. Her and Boy2 get out and head to the apt, Boy1 pays me and then tries to tip me with the 1/2 rack.

Me: Wow. Thanks, but I don't drink.

Boy1: Well shit, hold on ... he digs around in his pockets this is all I have but I tell ya, you were worth every penny for that ride, that chick is HOT!! he hands me a $20 and a coupla singles.

Me: Ah, I get pimp fees. Nice. Call me when she's ready to go.

Boy1: Shit. I'm going to get your number from her and call you every time I need a ride. And a hot chick too! Damn.

Me: ::snort:: Good night.


Wow ... who knew ...

I was so powerful?!! What should I ask for next do ya think?!

New Drunk Driving Laws in Italy


Wanna know what makes for a bad night for a cabbie?

I hated almost every minute of my night last night. Just one of those nights, it happens. I expect it. Doesn't mean I have to like it.

A taster:

First two "runs" were long ones, both over $40 and in less than an hour, I'm thinking it might be a good night ... to quote Ice Cube "I didn't have to use my A.K.". Downhill from there.

I get sent to go pick up a guy to take him from his house to the Plaid for a beer run, and back. $7.70 on the meter. I get $7.70 exactly. In change. Get a call from a person that lives 2 houses down from this guy while I'm waiting for him to count out his change. I drive over there but have to call him as he doesn't come out ...

Me: This is your cab, I'm downstairs.

He: OK.

I wait a minute, no kid. I call him back.

He: Oh, yanno what? I already left, you guys took too long.

Me: I "took too long" to drive the two house distance from his to yours?

He: Yeah. You know. I could hear his friends laughing in the background, obviously they're children. You just dropped off Dude, right?

Me: So you can see me sitting in front of your house?

He: Yeah, but it took you too long to get here. snicker

Me: Well, if you see me sitting in front of your house, after all this time then you must be still in there.

He: Silence.

Me: Unh huh. If you're going to play stupid games, do it on someone else's time. Wouldn't you hate for me to knock on this door and wake your parents?

He: whispering to friends Dude! She's going to knock on the door! What do I do? My parents are going to kill me!!

Me: Opening the door Can you see me opening the door to get out and knock?

He: PLEASE don't knock!! My parents will kill me!! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, really!!!

Me: Good bye. I close the door and hang up.

Next call: Get sent to Ptld. Adventist to pick up someone on Oregon Health Plan to take her and her kids home. They get in the car and I ask to see their ID card, I need to verify her eligibility.

She: I left it at home.

Me: Then I can't give you a ride home. That's the rules.

She: Well then I guess me and my CHILDren are walking.

Me: Sorry I can't help you with that.

She: And what in the hell took you so long to get here?

Me: It's Friday night at 11p. What in the hell made you think you could get a ride without your ID card?

She: Well, I didn't think you would make me and my CHILDREN walk at this time of night.

Me: The buses will be running in about 5 hours.

She: So you really aren't going to give me a ride? You are REALLY going to make these young CHILDREN walk home? In THIS weather?

Me: Nope.

She: I didn't think so.

Me: You are.

She: Ex-CUSE me?

Me: You know you have to have your card. That's the way this whole "low income, free ride to the hospital" thing works. You know that. I've picked you up before.

She: Here. She hands me her ID card.

Me: Oh. So you didn't leave it at home, huh?

She didn't say anything else, although I heard one of her children say "So you didn't leave it at home huh?" to her. She told the kid to shut up. Fortunately it was a short ride.

Next run:

Get sent to a bar to pick up a woman. I get there, she gets in and immediately wants to use my phone.

Me: Nope. I don't loan my phone out. I could stop for you to use a pay phone if you need it that badly.

She: I ain't got no money. I just wanted to call my friend and make sure she would be home so she knows to pay the cab fare when I get there.

Me: pulling over to the side of the road Sorry. I don't do that. If you don't have the money I'm not giving you a ride.

We have a little of the back and forth "But ma'am" shit and me saying no. She finally gets out. I drive off.

Next run:

Sent to pick up a guy about 5 miles from that run. I get there, w/in 5 minutes and call him.

Me: This is your cab, I'm downstairs.

He: Hunh? Who's this?

Me: Your taxi.

He: You a friend of my sisters?

Me: Doubtful. This is Trixie Cab. Are you coming down?

He: Oh, I called my sister to come get me, I thought she would get here before you. Can you hold on, I'm going to call her and see if she is on her way, if not I might need a ride. Hold on a second.

Me: Nope. Wait for your sister. Good bye. I hang up on him.

Next run:

Get sent to a call about 6 miles from there, I get there and there is another cab there. One of ours. Dude barely speaks english so is having a hard time finding the address, but he's blocking the driveway to the apt complex where he's supposed to go. Turns out we're both there for the same person. Dispatch error. I call them and we both got the call at the same time, etc. I tell them to take it from me and I'll go get something else. I get another call immediately (it's pretty busy out) to pick up someone 6 miles away, in 15 minutes.

As I drive by an Arby's they're still open so I pull into the drive thru. I make my order and pull up to the window. The girl in the window has an attitude when I hand her my money.

Me: Rough night?

She: Yeah.

Me: I know the feeling. Believe me.

She: I doubt you know what I mean. YOU don't have people that show up five minutes before you close, after you've already closed and cleaned everything and ask for food. RIGHT?

Me: I'm sorry, I didn't see any signs posted as to the hours and your "Open" lights are on. If I would have known you closed in 5 I wouldn't have driven up just for that reason. I used to work in fast food, I know what that's like.

She: points to the sign in the window that says 1a on fri and sat nights. Can you read THIS? MAN. No wonder you're a cab driver.

Me: Since I'm getting a little bit irritated by now. Excuse me, but didn't I just buy enough shit from this over priced shithouse to pay your hourly wage?

She: WHAT?

Me: If you hate your job, or doing what you have to do because you work for someone else, take it out on yourself, not your CUSTOMER. How much fun would your life be because someone called your manager in the morning and explained your attitude and you got fired? It's not that easy to find a job in this day and age.

She just looked at me like I'm the biggest bitch in the world.

Me: Keep your damned food. I'm sure if you didn't spit in it you didn't cook it well.

And I drove off to pick up the other girl I get sent to, I have about 9 minutes to get there. I get there with 2 to spare and she's getting into someone else's car.

She: I'm sorry. My friend got here before you did, I don't need a ride no more.

I void the call and get sent to another, about 3 miles away which turns out to be the same woman that didn't have any money. She called us AGAIN when I wouldn't take her before and just got lucky enough to get me. She walks up:

Me: So I see you have a different name this time, does that mean you have MONEY now?

She: Listen, ma'am, I am not kidding with you, my friend will pay when ...

Me: Nope.

I drove off. Had enough. Went home at a little before 2a and stayed until 6a. Gassed up the cab and dropped it at work.

There was no way this night was going to be salvaged, I was in too bad of a mood to put up w/anyone else.

On the plus side: when I got home I watched VH-1's "Top 100 songs of the 90's" (about 2.5 hours total after you tivo all the commercials) and got to see a lot of "where are they now" stuff. Most surprising was the lead singer of Color me Badd ("I Wanna Sex You Up") ... older, much fatter, owns a tire store in Oklahoma.

That cheered me up. heh. Sorry for the long write, I had to vent.


I got a comment from a customer t'other day ...

so lemme tell ya about him.

I got sent to the Troutdale airport to pick up a fella there late one night. I've never been to this 'port, barely even knew there WAS one so was unaware there is 2 separate entrances. I went with the address I was given by dispatch (which turns out is not what addr the cust gave, disp was less than helpful here) to the North Entrance. Wrong entrance. I call up dude from there and find out he's at the South Entrance and he gives me the address. I punch it into my handy-dandy GPS and off I go.

Driving. Driving. Looking ... wait ... one second ... this is ... ARGH! The address is bringing up frontage road on the other side of the freeway where the truck stop and whatnot are. Sheesh. I drive back around to the 'port (all one ways) and I finally find the S Entrance and the customer. At least he's easy on the eyes. ;o) He gets in and we're off to the Sandy Airport.

Now I did not know there was a 'port in Sandy, (it's a fairly small town on the way up Mt. Hood) much less two of 'em! Who'da thunk. We wander on out there and are chatting on the way, turns out the 2nd 'port is for private planes for the adventuresome types (cust is looking to be a hang glider).

We were chatting about this kinda stuff that I know pretty much nothing of as I'm atmospherically challenged, but I told him to check down at the McMinnville 'port as they have gliders you can rent so might point him in the right direction. (I know this 'cuz I bought an hour a few years back for a bf's bday after I saw the latest 'Thomas Crowne Affair'. I thought the movie was sexy and was trying to recreate the mood. The bf's vomit however ... not so sexy)

Trivia: across from this 'port there is also the museum that was built for the Spruce Goose. How many of you knew this big ol' girl ended up in lil ol' Oregon - other than Adena o'course?!

We finally make it to the 'port about 1/2 hr later, down some windy-ass road in the hills with no lights and trees everywhere. Hard to believe you can fly/land a plane out there but we find it. As he's getting out he asks for directions to get back to the freeway to get to way out N Ptld. I tell him and ask if he has a map. Nope, so I gave him my Thomas Guide (I have a couple - req. of the company) and then had to explain to him how to use it. I've never met anyone that has never seen/used one before. That was kinda fascinating. I 'splained how to use it and left him on his own, I would've had him follow me back but I had to go get someone down south.

I drove off and wasn't paying too much attention to the roadways and got lost. Sadly, my GPS doesn't help when I'm lost, it'll show me the road I'm on and connections but can't help me with the lost thing. If I'da had my Thomas Guide however ... :o)

Anyway. Lost. Me. On the back side of Mt Hood at 2a. And not ashamed to admit it. But, too damned stubborn to turn around. It was pretty entertaining, especially 1/2 an hour later when I ended up at Hwy 26 up near Welches. Way far away from where I was needing to be. Then had to haul ass down to West Linn to pick up the customer I came out to pick up to begin with.

I crack myself up sometimes. :o)

Anyone else have any lost stories?!

I don't usually work on Monday nights ...

... but I had someone to pick up from W Linn at about 3:30a so I went out at 11p. Lucrative but odd night.

I picked up this young (19) severely physically challenged girl tonight from Milwaukie and took her to Sandy. She was in the car for awhile as we had to make a stop as well and she was very talkative. I can't recall the entire conversation as it went on and on. And on. But basically the upshot is:

* She's affianced to the guy that was tried and convicted of sexually abusing her when she was 12 and he was 23.

* She is living off the state and about to move into another apartment but is having a hard time as the state won't allow him into any of the state-run facilities due to the large number of children and handicapped ppl.

* Being a convicted sex offender he has to register when/where -ever he moves. She hadn't heard this before. I brought it up while we were discussing the state's lack of help with her move and she said he told her he is a "special case" in the state's eyes since he was innocent to begin with. "He only pled guilty because he didn't want to cause a rift in the family as it was his mother that turned him in for the abuse so he shouldn't have to register. Someone working for the state is slow in getting the paperwork changed."

*He's pushing her to get her caseworker to make a special exception for him to be made a "caregiver" for her so he can get the money that her current caregiver is getting as he cannot look for a job since he's a felon. According to him no one will hire him so why even bother trying.

* He has found an attorney that is willing to go to court and defend him from the sexual abuse charges now since he is marrying the girl he "supposedly" abused. But only after she gets moved and is able to pay for his atty.

These are just the points I couldn't get out of my head, there was quite a bit more.


How about an opinion here?

I am of a FIRM belief that drunken driving is the most dumbety dumbass thing that people can do. It is right up there on my list of pet peeves. And I have a list, believe that. I'm not a drinker myself - never have been - and I don't have anything against folks that can control themselves while imbibing, at least to the point of not endangering everyone else's lives by getting behind the wheel. BUT, really, we need tougher laws on the drinker/drivers.


Make alcohol illegal! Just kidding. Sort of. I mean, what's the purpose to it other than to screw with your system ... just like drugs. That's a whole different rant there.

Anyway, my solution:

Why not just take their damned car when they're caught? Seriously. I think that even the deepest drunk driver might think twice about it if they lose their CAR. And their license as well. Yes, yes. I realize that there are some people that can buy another fairly cheaply, and yet others can afford to buy a different colored BM'er for every day of the week but damn it! Crack down on these effers.

Imagine the revenue for the city/county/state that could be made from the auctioning of said cars. I need to get one of these politicians in on this one. Could be a deal breaker. Or vote maker as the case may be.

It's amazing to me what is considered socially acceptable when you're drinking these days as compared to when I was young and partying. (Yet another rant but along the same lines so I just threw it in here. :o)

Cab driving has finally made me jaded. More jaded than I was to begin with anyway. ;o)


It's not that I don't have stories ...

I'm just getting kinda bored with the internet thang. ::sigh:: Nothing against you'se guys, I miss ya all, it's a weather thing. I wanna be out there enjoying the sun. I'm sure lots of you understand.

I'll write something more ... sometime ... soon ... ish.


I forgot I promised to say something to these guys:

Picked up these two younger-ish fellas from a bus stop at SW Washington and 4th. One flags me and gets in the car and yells at the other to get in.

He: Hey! Pringle!! Get in the car.

Me: You named your friend after a potato chip? Wassup w/that?

He: Oh yeah. His name's Matt Pringle and he loves it when people ask him about his name.

Me: I bet.

He: No really. Ask him.

Me: Nope. I make it a point not to do what people tell me to.

He: just looks at me real funny

Me: Yeah, I'm real popular with the boys.

Meanwhile his friend lopes back to the cab and opens the door.

He: Hey man, show her why you like it when people ask you about your name!

Dude finishes opening the door, turns around, pulls his pants down to his knees and points at his left ass cheek where there is a tattoo of the Pringle guy.

Me: Nice. Nice ass. I suppose now you want a sweet-ass deal on the ride huh?

Groans all around. :o)