Holy ... effin' ... don't MAKE me come in there!!!

3a: last night ... very slow night anyway ...

On the 'puter screen:

There is a lady at 223rd ne Halsey needs to go to Walmart, wants driver to help her w/groceries while meter runs.

I take it, I'm not too far from there anyway. I pull up.

Me: Hiya. This is your driver. I'm here, sitting in front of apt 674 (changed for your benefit ... I'm sure at least one of you'se guys is gonna wanna go hunt her down).

She: I live in 675.

Me: Yes, well there is no parking in front of 675 so I'm in front of 674.

She: You need to go down Halsey to ...

Me: No, ma'am, I'm here, now.

She: And turn left at 223rd ...

Me: I did. I'm here. NOW.

She: Turn into some-nasty-apt-complex-name to the ...

Me: MA'AM. I'm here, right now, in front of your apt.

She: ... to the last driveway. All the way to the back.

Me: One more time, MA'AM. LISTEN to me, I ... AM ... HERE ... NOW. Do you hear me?

She: Oh. WeeeeEEEEeeellll ... you're here?

Me: Yes. praying: thank you, thank youthankyou

She: NOW?

Me: Yeeeees. Right now. In front of your apt. Waiting on you.

She: Well. Are you going to help me with my groceries?

Me: Yes ma'am. As soon as you get in the cab and we go.

She: But that nice young man on the phone said he was going to find someone to help me with my groceries and call me back.

Me: He DID find someone. That's me. I'm here. Are you ready to go?

She: Well, no.

Me: Excuse me?

She: I was waiting for that nice man to call me back. I need help with my groceries.

Me: Ma'am, AGAIN, I am GOING to help you with your groceries if you get in my car ... RIGHT NOW.

She: But. I'm in my pajamas.

Me: So you called a cab when you weren't ready to go, is that right?

She: But he was supposed to call me back when he found someone to help me with my groceries.

Me: at this point I've already voided the call and am leaving her driveway. He did, he called me because you called him and now I'm here, calling you and you aren't ready to go when I call. decipher THAT one wench.

She: ......

Me: How long would you like me to wait?

She: 10 minutes.

Me: I'm not waiting 10 minutes.

She: What do you MEAN you aren't waiting?

Me: When you call a cab you are supposed to be ready to go. Them's the rules.

She: So ... you're just going to leave me here? With no food.

Me: Apparently. BUT, why don't you get dressed now, when you're READY TO LEAVE, call the company and they'll send you another cab.

She: Are they going to send you?

Me: No chance of me ever coming back here.

She: Good. I don't like you anyway.

And she hung up on me.

My conclusion is she wanted a man to give her some attention. Yanno what I mean? Bitch.

Other Stuff: Can I just say ... Holy effin' Keerist Batman!! WTF were the Braves thinking letting Teixeira go???? HUNH??!!! Who the eff is gonna switch hit after Chipper like that? I guess I should just be thankful that they at least waited long enough that we didn't have to pick up Big Sexy from the Mariners. Yet. 'Cuz you KNOW the Yankees are gonna dump him after his $390K's worth of work is over.

More Other Stuff: Speaking of Batman: Why is it I was the only person - in the entire effin' theater - that laughed out loud at the "magic trick" the Joker did with the disappearing pencil?? THAT was COMEDIC GENIUS and everyone in the theater looked at me like I was a criminal. Seriously. And I can tell you I don't have any sort of annoying laugh. Plebs.


"You think we're too DRUNK to drive?"

I got sent to Lucky's bar in Gresham last night, 'round about 2:30 to pick up someone. I got there at 2:45a and they were locked up tight. I finally got the security guy's attention (instructions say to contact doorman) and he tells me the people are sitting on the other side of the bar where their car is at. They are too drunk to drive and asked him to call them a cab.

I pull around the corner of the building and see a big ol' dumpster out there with a cop sitting next to it. Car's not running. Just ... hanging. I wave. He waves back. Whatever. I pull around the dumpster and there's the two and their car, arguing about waiting for the cab as it's taking too long and she just wants to go. He's arguing, but not too strongly. I pull up next to them - and can still see the officer - and say hi.

Me: Are you the folks that called for the cab?

He: Um ... I'm not sure.

Me: Well, I certainly wouldn't think about driving if I were you. You never know WHERE there might be cops hiding at.

She: What? You think we're too DRUNK to drive?

Me: That's what the door guy said.

She: Well, fuck you!! I don't need no fucking cab. I can drive my damned self home.

Me: Are you SURE about that? I mean really, I wouldn't if I were you.

She: FUCK YOU!!! Fucking cab drivers think they know every fucking thing!! Give me the fucking keys. I'm going home now. With or without you Dan.

Me: But you should know ...

She: Shut the FUCK UP!! I TOLD you I can fucking drive!!! FUCK OFF!!

Me: laughing All right. Well, I'm just going to wait right here for you guys to make it out the parking lot okay. You have yourselves a GREAT night!! and I just smile and wave.

She flipped me off and drove off. I waited for the cop to drive out and pull them over. I pulled out - I swear, no more than 50 yards down the road - and get stuck next to them at the light.

Me: rolling down my passenger window I was going to tell you, before you started cussing me out that there was a cop behind the dumpster. Toodles!!

And I drove off. Laughing my ass of for the next 1/2 hour.


"I'm Bambi"

I worked late into the morning yesterday (Mon) as I started late Sun night. Day shift rides are SO much different than the nights ... nowhere near as laid back. And a whole lotta medical calls.

I got sent to a low income hotel downtown to pick up someone and take him/her about 9 blocks to the dentist. I checked out the info and had to do a double take on the name "Bambi Cheerleader". blink blink ... triple blink I had to call the dispatcher and make sure of the name. I mean ... seriously.

Me: Hey there - I'm just checking, is this a persons' actual name or am I looking for someone with pom pom's that rooting for the wildlife?

Disp: Yeah, I know what you mean. I've seen some names come down the pipe but this is definitely one of the odder ones.

Me: No kidding. It says here "plus one" ... that one named Thumper?

Disp: ...

Me: No? How 'bout Flower then?

Disp: Are you done yet?

Me: Not even close, I can do this all day. What about ...

Disp: We're CLEAR. Next cab please.

Harumph. Fine then. I pull up to the hotel, no one outside waiting so I turn off the cab to wander in. (Can I just say I was DYING to yell out the name BAMBI CHEERLEADER to the group of folks sitting in the lobby!!)

As I'm getting out of the car and older gent comes out to ask me who I'm there to pick up. I tell him and he says "I'm Bambi" and gets in the car.

The guy is obviously mentally handicapped so I can't play with that one at all. There's a whole lotta jokes and snide remarks that just fizzled.

Still gotta wonder though.


I got sent out to the Skyline Pub (about 265th se stark) round about 1:30a last night to pick up these 2 really drunk cow-chicks. They were in the bathroom when I got there so I had to wait a few for these 2 to come staggering out to the car so I could take them 3 blocks to get home.

3 blocks. Apparently the designated driver got drunk so they opted to call a cab. (Just for the record, I'm not really opposed to these calls, I'd rather deal with the $4/ride than to have anyone on the road drunk driving. Even if I do have to drive 18 miles to pick 'em up.)

One of them was laying across the seat and the other had to dig in her purse to get her debit card out to pay the $4 tab, with no tip. The one laying on the seat was rooting around in the back seat for something: on the floor, on the seat. I asked if she was all right, she just gave me a dirty look and slammed my car door. I just smiled and drove off. Typical drunk. Usually the females are the ones that slam the door.

Anyway, on the way to my next call (and less than 5 minutes later) I get a msg on my screen with a phone number telling me to call it about a lost purse. I pull over and check the back seat, nothing there. I call the number.

Me: Hey, this is your cab driver.

She: Yeah. I left my purse in your cab.

Me: No, actually, you didn't. I pulled over to look and it's not here.

She: Are you sure?

Me: Yup. Are you sure you had it with you?

She: Well, hell. Where ELSE would it be? It HAS to be in your cab.

Me: Well, hell. It could be at the bar 'cuz it's not in my cab.

She: So, WHAT? You stole my purse?

Me: Nooo. Did you call the bar?

She: I didn't GO to no bar tonight damn it. It's in your damn cab!! I KNOW I left it there.

Me: Just like you KNOW you didn't go to a bar tonight, right?

She: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I picked you up FROM a bar. And when you call ask them to check the bathroom, that's where you were when I got there.

She: Bull puckey. (heh) I told you, I didn't GO to no bar tonight. SSSIIIIIIIISSSSSSEEEEE!!! yelling at her friend Where did we go tonight? ............ WHAT bar?? Shit. All right. to me Never mind. and she hung up on me.

Me: looking at my phone You're welcome.


This is the one that made me stop early last night:

I get sent to a bar in Beaverton about 1:45a. It's been a typical slow Monday night so the only thing to really look forward to is the -lack of- bar rush at 2:30 when they all close. I'd been sitting for about 1.5 hrs before this, reading. I had just finished my book (Terry Brooks ya'll!) and was seriously considering going home when I got this call.

I head over to Monty's and flag the 'tender to have him find my folks and go wait in the car. This guy and girl come out. Drunker'n all get out, staggering and yelling at the cars driving bar. Which, btw, are nowhere near where they are. They just think it's funny.

They walk up to my car, the side window is down and the girl gets excited 'cuz they got a girl cab driver! She gets so excited that when she flops down into the back seat she loses her balance and grabs the door frame to catch herself. And takes my weather stripping for that door with her. :-(
It comes about 1/2 way out and is basically wrapped around her drunken neck.

She: What the fuck ... ? Is this?

And pulls it away from her, across the seat and just yanks the entire thing off.

I got that look on my face. You know the one I'm talking about.

She: WHAT? I didn't do that!! I don't know what the fuck is wrong with your car. I didn't TOUCH that damned thing. Don't look at me like that. FUCK.

The guy gets in the car, rolls up the weather stripping and tells me he'll pay me extra to get them home. It's not that far, (I've actually picked these two up before, it isn't that far. And last time they were just as drunk as they are now) and he'll pay me extra for the weather stripping.

Whatever. Get the fuck in and lets go.

She: It's my birthday!! silence. I think she was expecting me to say something. What? Oh. You're pissed. I get it. Your piece of shit car falls apart and you're pissed at ME! Shit.

The guy calms her down. Shuts her up. She offers to blow him in the cab since it's her birthday and " ... that bitch of a cab driver won't care. Might be the only thing that makes her smile tonight."

I pull over, we're only about 2 blocks from their home.

Me: That's it. You're walking. Have a good night.

The woman gets out, slams the back drivers' side door and walks around to the passenger side. The guy is trying to convince me that I should just take them the rest of the way. He has $40 in his hand and asking if I want more when she opens his door to tell him to get out and not pay me for anything since I'm making them walk.

When she yanks open the door and tries to lean in and reach for him she loses balance, again, and grabs the door panel this time.

Yep. Yanked it right the fuck off. I got pissed. I can only take so much, yanno?

Me: What the FUCK? If you can't handle your fucking alcohol then for Crissakes stay at home and tear up your own shit!

I put the car in park and get out. Dude has got out of the car and is trying to help her up. She's bitching about suing the company for the piece of shit car that just attacked her and made her fall to the ground.

I just walk around and grab the door panel from the ground, put it in the car and drive off. Pissed. But restrained myself from saying something further to the drunks 'cuz really, ya can't argue with stupid drunk.

BTW: He left $60 on my back seat. I had to turn in my cab for maintenance after them 'cuz I couldn't pick up anyone else after that. Not really worth it, but hey, I didn't have to kill anyone.