I get sent to a Blockbuster video store at about 3a one morning. On my way I ask the dispatcher if it's going to be an employee or what as they aren't open this time of the morning.
Disp: No. It's a police call. I just got a call from their dispatcher. Apparently there is a guy there that needs a ride.
Ah man. Cop calls are NEVER good. Unfortunately there is no one else on this side of town so I head over there. I call my man and tell him what's going on, since this call is only a few blocks from our house he is my backup and to stay on the phone.
I pull up to Blockbuster and there is a guy laying 1/2 on the grass, 1/2 on the sidewalk, in the sprinkler. I pull my car up to where I can see him and roll down the window.
Me: Are you the fella the police called us for?
He: Can you help me out here? At least OPEN the FRICKIN' DOOR for me. Shit. I'll tip you.
I get out of the car and walk around, but don't open the door. I've already decided there is no way I'm taking this guy anywhere.
Me: Hey there. So. Whatcha doin' layin' in the sprinkler? It's a little cold out here.
He: I just need a fuckin' ride. The damn cops called you guys and just left me here. I'm in a diabetic coma here. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?!
Me: Hey now, no need to yell. I can hear you just fine. Even if you ARE in a coma. So, am I supposed to give you a ride or what?
He: I'm not IN a coma. What, are you deaf woman? I didn't say that. Shit. Why do I always get the STUPID cab drivers? MAN.
Me: Well, obviously I'm not deaf, I'm hearing your yelling just fine. So, again, why are you lying on the sidewalk?
He: I TOLD you. I'm diabetic. I'm in a COMA. Jesus. Can you just take me somewhere? Damn cops. I HATE cops. But I kinda like you. You look like you're pretty sweet. He says as he smiles with both his teeth showing.
At this point, my boyfriend is laughing so hard I can barely hear what this guy is saying. And it's making it damned hard not to laugh back as well.
Me: Oh, I AM sweet. But where exactly is it you need to go?
He: I need to go to 21st and E Broadway. I'm on section 8. It's cool. You'll get a voucher once you get there. I need to get going. I'm COLD here.
Me: Oh man, I'm sorry but we don't do medical. You need to talk to *** Cab. I can call them for you if you'd like.
He: WHAT? After all this time you won't even HELP ME UP??! What the hell is wrong with people these days? Won't even help a guy when he's down. Shit. World is going to hell, I tell ya. Fuckin' cab drivers can't even give a free ride now and then.
Me: Oh jeez. Stop that. I am a CAB, not a preacher. If you got cash then I'm more than willing to help you out. Sounds like you've gone through this before. I tell ya what I WILL do for you. I'll call the other cab company and ask them to come get you.
He: But I'm cold NOW. Can I sit in your cab until they get here. IF they get here. They never show up when I tell them my name.
BF is laughing even harder now.
Me: I'm so sorry, but I'm workin' here. I have to leave. But if I could make a suggestion, you might warm up a bit if you get out of the sprinklers.
He: Can you take me somewhere? ANYwhere? Just one block? Pleeeease? Just ONE DAMN BLOCK? Is that too much to ask? Damn.
Me: Where exactly is it you would like me to take you? There is nothing open right now.
BF: M, stop teasing the man. Just drive away.
He: Well, take me over there. They're open.
Me: You want me to take you through the McDonalds drive thru?
He: No, no no. Not the drive thru. Take me to the front door. They'll open for me. I'm special. They'll let me in.
Me: Well, that's cool that you're so special. I bet you have a lot of people tell you that. But I'm sorry, I really have to go. I'll go ahead and call that other cab company for you now. Unless of course you would like me to call the police for you, I'd bet they can help you out.
He: Fuck it. And Fuck YOU. You're not so sweet. I guess I was wrong. Just get on out of here.
Me: Oh, I'm still sweet. I'll call that other cab. Have a lovely morning.