"Well, would you be willing to testify?"

I had just finished dropping off a couple at about 35th se Gladstone, drove down to 26th to get to Powell to get to the closest bridge into town. It's about 2a. I hit the light at 26th/Powell and sit there contemplating ... hermaphrodites and I catch a movement out the corner of my right eye. I look over, there is a guy standing on the sidewalk, about 15 ft. in from Powell on the sidewalk. Dude has a black hoodie, scruffy blondish/brown goatee, dark jeans and his dick in his right hand. I just look for a second, looked to the light, it had changed so I look back quickly as I start to drive thru the light to make SURE I saw what I thought I saw. Not only did I see an ugly man w/his dick in his hand, but he smiled and stuck his tongue out at me. I just shook my head and drove off.

After going about 100 yards I decided to call the Non ER # for Multnomah County and let them know about my flasher. sidenote: when I got to this part of the story with my current ex-man he was quite upset that I reported the waggler. Thought I should have let him waggle when and where ever he wanted.

Disp: Non emergency.

Me: Hiya. My name is **, I drive for ** Cab and I just had a dude flash me while sitting at the corner of 26th se Powell.

Disp: All right. What was he wearing?

Told her.

Disp: thank you. Have a phone # where you can be reached?

Told her cell ph #.

Disp: Thank you. And can you describe to me ...

Me: ... His penis? He was BLESSED! And no mean feat since it's only about 28 degrees out here.

Disp: giggling No. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. Where exactly was he when the alleged flashing took place?

Me: Ah. Sorry. Couldn't help it. I'd be bragging I had that baby myself. Anyway ... etc.

Disp: Thank you. I'll let an officer know what you've said. Good night.

She hung up. Right about then I get a call from a regular that is downtown and needs a ride to St. John's. (About $25 +/-) I head out to go get him. As we're driving up I-5 Nbound I get another phone call.

Me: This is M.

He: Hello. Is this the cab driver?

Me: Yup. How can I help you?

He: This is Officer Barr of the Ptld Police Dept. I'm standing at the corner of 26th and Powell with a gentleman that you called about.

Me: Bullshit!!

Ofcr: No. I am serious. Now you said this gentleman ... ?

Me: He flashed me. And he's NO gentleman. Trust me.

Ofcr: He says that he was urinating. Is that possible.

Me: Weeeeelll. I suppose anything is possible. But he was facing the street. At least 3 ft away from the closest bush to him. Had his dick IN his hand. A smile ON his face. And I saw NO urine.

Ofcr: I see. Well ...

Me: So dude is still there?

Ofcr: Yes. I'm talking to him.

Me: Is he still urinating? Or just hangin' out at his favorite bush to pee whenever he gets the urge? It has been about 25 minutes, ya know.

Ofcr: Ok. Thank you for your information. Someone will be calling you.


So I had to tell the fella in the car what was going on. He was laughing along with me at the stupid things people do under the influence when the Ofcr called me back!

Me: This is M.

Ofcr: Miss B, this is Ofcr Barr again. I need to ask you another question.

Me: Shoot.

Ofcr: Did the man in question have ...

Me: I'm sorry Ofcr, I lost you. What was that?

Ofcr: Did the man in question have an ... erection? he said the last word very quietly.

Me: Did he have an ERECTION? not near as quietly Is that what you asked me?

Ofcr: Yes. That is what I asked. I swear I could hear this man trying not to laugh.

Me: Well. No. I didn't actually SEE an erection. But I could describe it to you. The good lord blessed this man, lemme tell ya.

Ofcr: more subdued snorting ... I SWEAR OK. Well ... um ...

Me: Are you going to do a lineup?

Ofcr: not so subdued snorting now Um ...

Me: I tell you I am SO channeling Porky's right now! I have ALways wanted to do a penis lineup.
Please, please PLEASE tell me you are going to do a PENIS LINEUP!!!!!!!

Ofcr: ...

Me: I'm sorry Ofcr. I just think this is hilarious. I can't help it. I'm a cab driver, I have a filthy mind. So ... now what?

Ofcr: Well, would you be willing to testify?

Me: Oh HELL yeah! I WANT to see this one go to court. Gawd help me.

Ofcr: OK. Let me get your dob, address and other information and I will have someone call you on monday.

Me: I tell ya what ... since I don't actually know for a FACT that you are who you say you are, how about I call the PD and ask if you are, in fact, a police officer and then call you back?

Ofcr: You can actually call them and give them your information, if you'd feel safer that way.

Me: Certainly. I don't know that you aren't writing down my info where this perv can see it anyway. Can I have your badge number?

He gives it and I call the dispatcher. The whole time this call has been going on the guy in the back seat has been rolling ever since I said the word "erection".

Me: Hello. My name is M. I drive for * Cab, I just called about 40 mins ago to report a man flashing folk at the corner of 26th se powell.

Disp: I'm sorry, our computer systems just flashed with the storms and all. Give me a minute to pull up the info.

Me: Certainly. I'm actually just calling to find out whether or not this guy that called me was actually an officer of yours as I didn't want to give him my info over the phone without knowing who he was.

Disp: A legitimate request. Let me ... yes. Here we are. I found it. The Officers name was Barr and did you get his badge #?

Me: rattled it off.

Disp: Yup. That's our officer. And it looks like they actually got the guy! He's on his way in to the justice center now.

Me: Nuh uh!!! Really?

Disp: Oh yes. We take that stuff seriously.

Me: If you'd known the type of problems I have where the officers DON'T take me seriously you would begin to wonder. I just called 'cuz I thought ya'll might wanna keep him away from the children. But good to know that ya'll actually arrested him. Thank you for your help.

Disp: You're welcome. Have a good evening.

Me: You as well. Good bye.

Me and the fella in the back laughed about this all the way to his place.

It's now Tues, I got no call yesterday. *grin*


My Fare City said...

I am disappointed to find your blog with it's title clearly violating my copyrighted book and internet publications, "My Fare City" and ask you cease and desist this violation immediately.
Bud Carson http://www.myfarecity.com

Anonymous said...

I have to say, your blog brightens my day at work. ^_^ Thanks for the laughs.

~ja ne

Anonymous said...

btw,.... your site's been up for how long and he's just now bitching?... >.< meh....

Anonymous said...

Yeah, Bud, cause no one's ever made THAT pun before. Get a life.

Anonymous said...

It's too bad that he couldn't have politely asked you to alter your blog name, instead of trying to hit you over the head with the legal hammer. Besides, your blog isn't named "My Fare City," it's named "This Fare City..." so I'm not sure that it applies. Does he have the words "Fare City" trademarked? Doubtful. Good ploy to try to draw people to his book, though. ;)

Anonymous said...

Wow, Bud's a real piece of work. I sugested he pep up his site a bit to make it more appealing. And his reply was "Thank you very little".

He may have a book, but it was boring as hell.

Keep up the good work M!!! ^_^

~ja ne

Michelle said...

Bud, it's because of folks like you that I have had my comments turned off; there are some unhappy people in this world that always have to complain about something. I don't write my experiences to fight with anyone, I just think there isn't enough laughter in this world and since I seem to have an abundance I thought I'd share.

I'm sorry if you think you have a monopoly (read: WalMart. heh) on 2 of the 3 words we share in our title, but since I doubt you have actually trademarked the words for your own personal use I'll just stick with what I have. (Didn't Spike Lee try that with Spike TV?)

If you did, however, manage to grab control of those 2 words and get a percentage everytime everyone in this world uses these two words I would be willing - in the interest of peace and harmony - to give you the .0000000000000000000000001% (or whatever it is) that you would make for me using these 2 words this one time. And promise to never, ever use these two words in polite conversation again.

Or, since it's Christmas time, couldn't you just THIS ONE TIME - gift to me the right to be just one more cab driver on this big ol' 'net that has a story or two to tell?

If not, I may have to cry, *sniff*
ya big meanie.

Happy Holidays Everyone!!

Susan said...

The guy is obviously looking for publicity for his website....

Do you think I could get in trouble for using the words "My city" in a sentence in copyright violation???

I think he's referring to Trademark infringement, not copyright infingement.

What a "L"

Anonymous said...

hahaahahahahah bud, you're a bigger wang than the wang in this story