"Well hell, I'LL tell you ya got a big dick for 600 dollars!"

I picked up a guy from Aja's downtown - a late night "private exotic show" kinda place. He called the cab co. and requested a cab at 4a when they closed.

Me: Hiya. How's it goin'?

He: Oh God. I'm gonna be in soooo much trouble.

Me: Uh oh. Wanna tell me where you're going first and then I'll let ya pour it all out. Bartenders and Cab drivers are somewhat synonymous at this time o' night.

He told me where we were going, a very affluent neighborhood right off downtown in the West Hills. Not that far, but a nice area with a killer view.

Me: And we're off. So what happened?

He: shaking head Oh Gawd! I can't believe it!!

Me: Come on now, you know you wanna tell me. What happened? Lose a little too much money?

He: 'A little too much'???!! I gave that girl $600.00!!!

Me: Are you SHITTING ME?!! Damn. She must have been GOOOD. Aja's has a rep. as being a ... full service dance club ... after hours.

He just kinda hung his head lower.

Me: You didn't get any? WHAT? Did you get blown? he starts shaking his head. NO? Wow. No sex? shake. No blow job? shake. Did she at least rotate your tires or SOMEthing? shake. Wow. I'm in the wrong business!

He just kinda looks at me stupidly.

Me: I mean, damn. I wish I could make 600 bucks for doing nothing more than shaking my ass for ... what ... a few hours? nod. Wow. She's smarter than you or I will ever be bubba.

He just sits there as we drive along. He's almost crying now. I almost feel bad but DAMN, someone needs to say it!

Me: SoooOOOOoooo. What'd she do to earn 600 bucks? C'mon now, 'fess up. What happened?

He: Well ... she ... ahem ... she did ... you know ... that thing that women do that make men stupid.

Me: Um ... birth you?!

He: Shit. YOU know.

Me: OH. She told you that you got a big dick, right?

He sorta nods.

Me: And that was worth 600 DOLLARS?! DUDE. What the FUCK were you thinking? it's called "tact". I've never heard of it.

He: Hell. I don't know. I just thought ... well ... she was so cute. I mean, she kinda looked like you, with the long hair and all.

Me: Well hell, I'd certainly tell you ya got a big dick for 600 dollars.

He: Um ... really?

Me: Hell yeah. If you're gonna be stupid and just give it away and that's all I gotta do, you betcher sweet bippie I would.

He: Huh. Well. Go ahead.

Me: And what? Tell you? nod. Puh leeze. I betcha gave her all your money.

He: Well, not ALL of it. I'll give you what I have in my pocket if you tell me.

Me: Whoa. You need some help.

He: Please?

Me: Pssht. eyeballing him for a sec ... Whatcha got in your pocket? Cash or flesh? I don't need no more surprises tonight.

He pulls a hand out of his pocket and shows me a bunch of crumpled up cash. I can tell there's at least 2 20's in there. I look at him for a few seconds ...

Me: Are you SURE? nod. All right. very unenthusiastically; You got a big dick.

Boop. He slaps what he's got in his hand into mine.

He: There you go. And we're here. You wanna come in for a drink or something?

Me: I'm workin' here, I gotta go. And can I just say, you need to stop drinking Bub.

He: That's what my wife keeps telling me. Here, here's the money for the fare.

Me: Oh, no. I'm covered w/what you gave me here.

He: No. That's for earlier. I'll pay the fare. And tip you. Are you sure ... ?

Me: Nope. But thanks. I'll catch you next time.

He: Can I get your cell phone number to call you directly?

Me: I'm sorry, my cell is dead. You can call base and ask for me though. Have a nice night!

I drive off.

Total take: $13 fare + $17 tip + $163 wad of cash = breakfast on him.


Stormchaser said...

I'm thinking I SHOULD get in the cab business...

Susan said...

I'm definitely in the wrong business!

MrFunkMD said...

I'm thinking it was dumb not giving your number to this guy....THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO GET YOUR NUMBER!!!!!

Silver said...

Damn. Five words.
I'm speechless.