"I need to know your # in case I can't find anyone better to fuck tonight."

I pick up these 2 young, fairly respectable looking men from Mary's, a tiny little strip joint downtown that - for whatever reason - seems to be where everyone has to go when they come to Ptld. Rumor has it the women have been working there since it opened ... in the 70's. I've only been in there once. Scared the bejesus outta me! They both jump in back, it's 2:30a.

Little Punk1: Hey baby. We're going to the Doug Fir. Here's my credit card. He throws it in my general direction. You know where that is?

Me: Yup.

We start heading around the block, if you've never been, downtown Ptld is all one way streets, as the Doug Fir is just across the Burnside bridge ... a total of 15 blocks across the bridge: 7 blocks this side, 8 the other.

LP1: Hey baby, do you mind if I jump up front with you here? He asks, by the time he says "mind" he is already in the front seat, and we've only gone 3 blocks. Thanks babe. How you doin' tonight?

Me: I'm ...

LP1: OH SHIT!! Pull over!! Quick!! I know these girls!! I pull over next to 2 young ladies walking up the street. Hey girls! How you doing tonight? They step up to the car. I need some help if you would, please?

Girl1: Hi there! You're cute. giggle What can we do for you?

LP1: I need to know your number so I can call you if I can't find someone better to fuck tonight.

Me: blink

G1: WHAT did you say?

LP1: What I SAID was that if I can NOT find any better pussy tonight then I would like to have you as back up to suck. my. dick. Did you understand THAT?

Me: eyeroll and blink

G1: who, incidentally, hasn't walked off yet Ummmm. I don't think so. and then she giggles to her friend. I wanna slap 'em both. Hell, all 3 of them.

LP1: Well. What do you think of THIS? And the shithead picks his narrow ass up off the seat, unzips his pants and shows his dick to the girls out the window. You want this. Right?

G1: I don't THINK so. and NOW they walk off.

LP1: sits back down in the seat, w/out zipping up then So Cabbie, what do YOU think?

Me: I think you should zip up before you embarrass yourself.

LP2: Hell. He does this all the time. He doesn't embarrass.

We get stuck at a light.

LP1: Looks at me Well. Really? What do you think?

Me: I think it must be cold in here. Let me roll up the window for you Junior.

LP2: laughing hysterically She's got YOUR number man!

LP1: narrows his eyes No. Really. Tell me what you think.

Me: I THINK you should zip up your pants before I have to charge you extra for an obscenity charge.

LP1: You wouldn't do that. Here. Touch it. and the little bastard actually tried to grab my hand!!

Me: Hey now!! Don't touch the driver. What's wrong with you?!!

LP1: No really. It gets bigger if you touch it. Look. and he tried AGAIN to touch me.

Me: snatching my hand away. Really. Don't. Touch. Me.

LP1: Shit. You're gonna charge me extra for an "obscenity charge" huh? How much?

Me: What sounds fair? Fifty bucks?

Lp1: Shit. You could charge me that every day for the rest of your life and never get all my money. My daddy is rich.

Me: Whatever. Just don't touch me again.

LP1: Really. My daddy is rich.

Me: I. don't. care. Just don't touch me again or your rich daddy is gonna hafta come bail your stupid, drunk ass outta jail. GOT. IT.?

LP2: Man. Remember what your dad said about if this happened again?

LP1: She won't call the cops on me. She can't prove anything anyway.

Me: What do you think we got cameras in these cars for, Junior?

LP1: STOP CALLING ME 'JUNIOR', DAMN IT! then looking at the camera. Well. I won't pay you. You can't make me.

Me: Then I WILL have y0u arrested, JUNIOR. Besides, you already gave me your credit card. We only have 2 blocks to go. Just shut the hell up and zip up your pants. You're pathetic.

He zips up and doesn't say anything until we get there. I pull over, run his card, and put in the 'description' "Cab Fare and Obscenity Charge". He gets out of the car and grabs the clipboard from me through the window to sign his card copy. Then he throws the clipboard at me and walks off.

LP2: I'm really sorry about my friend. He gets stupid every time we get drunk and in a cab. I think he was just worse tonight because you're a woman.

Me: Yeah. Whatever. You might want to rethink your friendship.

A couple of people walk up and get into the cab so he walks off. They as me what happened, why that guy threw the clipboard at me. I tell them and we laugh the whole way to their house.

I call my bf and tell him the story. He laughs, then says "You shoulda stun gunned him in the balls! I bet THAT would have gotten his attention."

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