Last (and most amusing) sailor story of this year.

I just dropped off a girl that works at the Acropolis (strip joint) in Milwaukie and get sent down to lower Gladstone (by the river) to pick up a girl 'round about 3a the last Friday of the Rose Festival (sailors ship out on Monday).

I get there and a sailor comes out of the house and pulls open the passenger, front door.

He: Hey there. We just want to ride around for awhile, ok?

Me: Sure, I literally have all night to wander about at your whim.

He: Cool. How much is that going to cost?

Me: Well, if you just sit in the cab it's $30/hr. Our meters go off mileage, the further you go the more it will cost.

He: All right, I'm paying. And how do you feel about if we do ... um ... anything else?

Me: Well, are you asking if you can have sex in the car? I'd rather you didn't.

He: But you're cool with that, right?

Right then his girl came out. He opened the back door and let her in the passenger side, he walked around to the other side. I looked at her. She's an adorable little thing, cute and young. Like, barely 18, if that.

Me: Hey there.

She: Hi. How you doing?

Me: Fine. I hear you're trying to find someplace to have sex and want to do it in my car?

I'm an instigator. What can I say?

She almost fell off the seat she was so shocked. He got in and boy was he in trouble! (heh heh)We went thru the whole "I did NOT say that!" "Yes, he did." "She's lying." "No, I'm not." thing that you have to go thru with young boys but they finally worked it out and we were off to downtown Portland.

When we get to the 'skirts of dntn they're laying on the back seat and not paying much attention to the "view". I interrupt to ask them where they wanna go.

He: Um. I don't care. Just drive around.

Ah. Ok. I wander up the "Scenic Drive" we have that starts on W Burnside and go to the top of Council Crest (famous make-out spot) but it's closed so I wander back down the hill. I hit Burnside again, they're still occupied so I head up thru Washington Park. And down the backside. Over to the west side of town. Hit the freeway back up to Sylvan, cross to Skyline and out Germantown Road. (those of you that don't know our town that's a loooong ass way to just wander) Beautiful views though so at least I got something outta it. Besides paid, o' course.

So aside from the beautiful view I get I have to listen to:

"Come on, just let me touch it for a second."
"I don't knoooOOOOooow."
"What if we never see each other again?"
"If we're meant to be together we will be."

And many variations of this ... for the whole ride. In between slurping sounds and whatnot. Thank the good Lord for the radio.

Finally, after 2 hours I got a bit irritated so I start heading back to her house. We get about a mile from their place and I interrupt, again to let them know they're almost back where they started. The girl gets angry that I did this.

She: We TOLD you we wanted to drive around for awhile.

Me: We've been driving around for 2 HOURS. It's 5 o'clock in the morning. Don't you have to be to the ship by 6?

He: Yeah. How'd you know?

Me: I've met a lot of sailors the past couple of days.

She: You can't stay?

He: Weeeeelllll ....

Me: Look, you aren't getting any. I know it. You know it. She DEFinately knows it and I'm tired of hearing it. Do you want me to give you a ride back to your ship?

He: Yeah, I suppose.

She: Wait a minute! Don't you have to do what we say? You ARE the cab DRIVER. We are PAYING you.

Me: Actually, no. I don't. I can choose to do what you want, but I can certainly call you another cab if you want to keep wandering around. And he wants to miss his ship.

She: Well, I can tell you, I'm not going to tip you. Bitch.

Me: From I understand you aren't actually paying for the ride. And since the fare is $180.00 so far I'm really not all that concerned about the tip at this point. BUT I have a tip for YOU: after a certain point, you either give it up or stop all together. Anything else is just cruel.

She just glared at me and got out of the car. The guy looked at me for a second, handed me $200 and asked me to wait a second so he could say goodbye. Which actually took another 20 minutes. He handed me another $40 to get him back to the ship. Plus tip.

What an annoying ride. But lucrative.

Other Stuff: I just know ya'll are going to be thrilled to know I just got my free Oreo Cakester from Walgreens. Guy forgot to ask so I did. heh. He had to call the manager and everything. Funny stuff.

Hey! I didn't say I wouldn't take advantage of the offer, I just didn't care for the offer.

Until now.

Those little things aren't bad at all. ;o)


Dave Carrol said...

wow... quite a story!

Sizzle said...

I can't imagine being an epic tease for two hours in the back of a taxi. They might as well have gotten a room for that price. Then they wouldn't have had an audience. People are just bizarre. Your blog demonstrates that every time I read it. :)

Paradise Driver said...

As always, a great story.

Sailors haven't changed since the Phonecians.

And his story to his shipmates will have you looking like Paris Hilton and the wild adventure the 3 of you had. LOL!

Have a great day.

Manic Witch said...

Sounds like it was safer for her in your cab than it would have been in a hotel.
I'm just assuming here.

He had to call the manager? Really? For a cookie? I can't even imagine the paperwork involved.

whall said...

Cakesters are awesome.