Lord help me ...

but I wanted to kill this guy before I was done with him. If you can read through this one it's fairly amusing. (In an Oh-My-Gawd I need to kill something now sorta way.)

I get sent to make a delivery. A laptop, a high dollar laptop from SE 6th and Powell to the John Ross Bldg on the waterfront, SW (high dollar condos just SW of downtown).

I am only about 5 blocks away from the pick up address so get there fairly quickly. No one answers the door so I get back to my computer and start calling the phone numbers given to me for the order. I get vmb at the first number; the guy that owns the laptop and is paying the fare/the drop off address then call the 2nd. I get the guy that has the laptop, he's upstairs at the pick up address, didn't know someone was coming to get it.

He tries to call Dude that owns the 'puter and gets his vmb as well. He decides he doesn't wanna deal with it any longer and gives me the 'puter. Tells me if I can't find Dude to bring it back to his place and he'll pay for the fare. If not, it's not his laptop so he doesn't really care what I do with it.

I get to where I'm dropping off (just a few minutes later as they're right across the river from each other, less than a mile as the crow flies) and try Dude again. Vmb. I left another msg. Tried the 2nd phone number of guy where I picked up, his phone goes to vmb as well. I call dispatch, they have 1 more number for me to try. I do and get some random fella, turns out dispatch transposed some numbers. I call the correct number, it's for the concierge at the JR Bldg. IT goes to vmb too. Pssht. By this time I'm getting somewhat irritated.

So I called Dude again, left a msg saying I was taking his 'puter back to where I picked it up from. If the guy there didn't answer I was going to give it to dispatch and he could pick it up from the office on Monday.

As I'm heading back I get a phone call from Dude:

He: Yeah, you're supposed to be dropping off a computer for me. Where is it?

Me: Did you get the messages I left you?

He: Yes. What the hell? You couldn't find the place?

Me: I left a msg when I was downstairs so yes, I found the place but I don't have an apt # and you didn't answer your phone.

He: ... you're a cab driver, you're telling me you don't know where the John Ross Bldg is?

Me: One more time, I FOUND your house, YOU didn't answer your phone.

He: What about he concierge?

Me: He wasn't at his desk and the phone went to voice mail.

He: Well, where's my computer?

Me: Here with me. In my car. Just about a mile from your house.

He: Oh, so you DO know where it is. Then why the hell didn't you drop it off?

Me: Look, we're not communicating here. I'm driving back to your place now, why don't you tell me where you want me to meet you and we'll get this taken care of, K?

He: It's only, like, the MOST expensive place in Portland. It's the place where Batman would live if he lived in Portland. Why can't you find it?

Me: DUDE. Do you think you're Batman?

He: Huh?

Me: Never mind. I didn't ask you for the address, I asked you where you want me to MEET you.

He: Well, you could meet me here.

Me: Yeah? How about I might you right HERE instead?

He: Well, how the hell am I supposed to know where YOU are?

Me: EXACTLY. Where the hell are YOU? I am in front of your building right now.

He: What? NOW?

Me: What part of this are you not understanding? I am AT your building right now. Do you want to tell me your apartment number or shall I just take it to our office and you can pick it up on Monday?

He: Well, I'm not home.

Me: Um, excuse me, but WHAT?

He: I'm grocery shopping. I'm at the QFC on 54th and Burnside.

Me: You're shittin' me, right?

He: No. I just assumed you people would take at least 2 hours to get to my call so I went shopping. I'm out of wine.

Me: So that's why you didn't answer your phone.

He: Yes. You people ALWAYS take forever to get to me so I assumed you would this time too.

Me: at this point I've already left his home and am heading to base to drop his 'puter with them. So, let me see if I've got this right: You called a cab to pick up a computer from your friend, without telling said friend that someone was coming to get it. Then you immediately leave your home, where the driver was to drop off your computer because you assumed it would take a couple of hours to get the 'puter to you and now YOU are mad at ME for being too efficient. Is that about right?

He: In a nutshell.

Me: All right then. I'm going to drop your computer off at dispatch. You can pick it up from them on Monday when the office is open.

He: Wait. You aren't going to wait there for me?

Me: Nope. I've already left.

He: Wait, wait wait. I really need that computer I have to ...

Me: interrupting Well, if you REALLY needed it you would have been here to pick it up, right?

He: Look, you're being somewhat irrational about this whole thing. First you get there WAY sooner than I thought then you can't FIND the drop off address and now you're just going to TAKE my computer and give it to some stranger at your office? I think there could be a lawsuit involved in this somewhere.

Me: I'M being irrational? YOU'RE being an asshole. I told you where your computer will be and when you can pick it up. I'm done talking to you.

I hung up on him, went to base and dropped his computer.



Manic Witch said...

I HATE it when people try to make it like YOU'RE the dumb fuck. I just recently had to deal with assholes like that this week. At least you are in a position where you can call bullshit on them when push comes to shove. *jealousy* But once again and as always-big kudos to you for not putting up with his shit. You are still my heroine.

Dave2 said...

Ah yes... the "I'm a stupid asshole who blames others for my being a stupid asshole" syndrome. Classic!

Lisa said...

Totally not funny for you while dealing with hit, but it certainly made me laugh my ass off.

Sizzle said...

WTF? That guy is a self-serving idiot with too much money.

Paradise Driver said...

I think I would have found a wifi spot and downloaded a virus. One that eats ALL his files.

Tracy Lynn said...

Dude, that was funny. :-)

Anonymous said...

I have this attorney friend in Portland. If it weren't for the fact that I know he doesn't live in JR, I would totally wonder if it was him. Cause yeah, he can be a moron like that too. :)

adena said...

Batman? Really?

Jessie said...

Batman. Holy shit I am going to use that.

Iron Fist said...

I love that the dude made such a big deal about living in the MOST expensive place in Portland, yet he's grocery shopping on the East Burnside. Somehow I have a feeling that the wine he's picking up comes in a box.

eeyorelady said...

Some people just really need killing. Seriously. I hope that you got paid.

Michelle said...

Oh, THAT guy. We've all had run ins with THAT guy. I'm surprised nobody has killed him yet. I'd buy front row tickets to the event.