"Now that I've seen you, I know he wouldn't fuck you" (this one is long!)

Christmas Eve, (technically Xmas Day) 1a. I get flagged by a guy in downtown Ptld.

He: Can you take my friend home?

Me: Where's your friend?

He: On the sidewalk right there.

Me: Oh no. I don't haul drunks in the house, clean up after them, etc.

He: No really. He's all right. All you have to do is nudge him. Look.

One of the friends standing by the drunk guy on the sidewalk nudge him. He gets up and walks to the car and gets in.

Me: I dunno. Where's he going?

He: Camas. Here's his I.D. and visa. Can you take him? Please?! We want to stay in town a little bit longer and he's been up all day working, etc.

Me: (thinking that anywhere in Camas is about a $60. run) Oh. All right. He's gonna wake up to give me directions, right?

He: Oh yeah. He's just tired. Not too drunk. Thanks!!

He and 2 other guys walk off, laughing. I thought it was just 'cuz they were going to have a good time without their friend. Little did I know ...

I get us up to Camas about 25 mins. later and try to wake Dude to get directions. He doesn't wake. At all. Just lays there and moans a little. Great.

I stop at an open gas station and get directions. Turns out that - due to road construction - we had to backtrack into Vancouver and go out that way to get to the address on Dude's I.D.

I get to the address I was looking for (bought a map) and it turns out the address is a strip mall. Same address that is on his ID. The mall has Ste. #'s, his ID just says "107". Argh.

I finally succeed in waking him up. It takes a few minutes.

Me: Dude! Wake up damn it. I need to know where your house is from here. Come ON.

He sorta wakes up and looks out the window.

He: Ummmm. Thish ish fine.

So he opens the door, gets out, walks over to the sidewalk, sits down and passes out again. Falls over.

It's 26 deg. out there, not like I could leave him ... morally anyway. So I called the Vanc. PD. (which have no non-er # after 5p) and speak to their dispatcher.

Me: Hey, I'm a cab driver from Ptld. I have a drunk fella just got outta my cab and passed out on the side of the road here. Can you send an officer, please?

Disp: Um. Excuse me?

Me: Really. This kinda stuff happens all the time, I just need you to send an officer here to get this guy. I don't want to leave him and it's a little cold out here.

Disp: I bet you have an interesting job.

Me: You have no idea. Are you sending someone?

Disp: Yes. It's going to be awhile though.

Me: Fine. Just send someone as soon as you can.

Disp: All right. What's the address you're at?

I provide.

Disp: All right. And where is your customer?

Me: He's on the sidewalk right over here by ... lemme see ... OH SHIT! He's GONE! Oh man. Sometimes I hate my job. (Getting out of car) Hold on. Let me see ... Ah hell. Here he is. He's behind the sign out front of the shopping mall. Looks like he's passed out again. Can I kick him?! No? All right. Look. I put my jacket on him, can you just send us an officer before he gets up and wanders off into traffic or something?

Disp: All right. I have the call dispatched. Do you need me to stay on the line w/you until they get there?

Me: Naw. I'll be fine in my car w/the doors locked and heater on. You might wanna hurry up and get someone here before this guy freezes to death though.

I call my dispatcher and tell him what's going on. We laugh about it and I just sit there waiting, with the meter running. (!)

45 minutes later 2 officers in a patrol car show up. After they speak to me and get done laughing they go try to wake up Dude. One ofcr stays w/Dude and the other talks to me.

Ofcr1: This happen often?

Me: You have no idea.

Ofcr1: You been paid yet?

Me: No. I have his ID and Visa card here his friends gave me though.

Ofcr1: All right. Hey, can you call your dispatcher and see if there is a listing for this guy in Ptld phone directory.

Me: Yup.

We have one listing under this guys' name. I call it and leave a message... "Hi, my name is M, I am a cab driver for ... and I have this fella named ... in my car. This is what's going on, if he belongs to you call me back at this number please."

I let Ofcr1 know what's going on. In the meantime Ofcr2 has gotten Dude awake and coherent enough to realize that he's about to be in some serious trouble.

Dude: I can't go to jail. I CAN'T!! I'll be in so much trouble. Can you take me home?

Me: Me? Maybe. Where do you live?

Dude: In Ptld.

Me: Huh. That's not what your ID says. But hey, yes, I can take you back, but I'm going to charge you for it. And you had better stay awake for this ride. Just for the record the meter's been running since I picked you up. It's at about $175. now.

Dude: Fine. Really. Just take me home.

Ofcr's are laughing, but hey, less work for them.

Dude gets in my car and we head off to his house.

I finally get him home at almost 4a. Christmas Day. I'm wondering if this counts for my good deed for this year or if I have to wait until next to collect from Santa on this one.

I run his credit card - $245. He signs it, doesn't even leave me a tip (!) and staggers off into the house.

I go home.

You'd think that would be the end of it, right?

'Round about 7a my phone rings. I pick it up and I have a woman screaming in my ear ... "Who the FUCK are you and what are you doing with MY man at 3 O clock in the FUCKING morning?!!"

Whoa.

Me: Here's what happened ...

I tell her the story, she digests for about 15 seconds and then ...

Her: You lying BITCH! There ARE no female cab drivers in Ptld! I don't know who the FUCK you think you are but I'm going to find you and ...

Me: HEY! Stop yelling at me. It's Christmas for Crissakes. :o) Look. Here's the phone number for my office. You can call them, they'll verify I work for them and what happened. This story is the only thing anyone is talking about anyway this morning.

She: I don't know who you are BITCH, but I'm going to find you and ..

click. I hung up on her.

My phone rings again. I turn off the ringer and go back to sleep.

Still might think it's done, huh? Nope.

About 9 o'clock in the morning - remember ... Christmas Day ... I have someone banging on my door. WTF??!! I'm assuming Santa doesn't knock so I go answer it.

Not so happy Ptld Police Officer standing at my door.

Me: Well now. It's Christmas, not Halloween so I'm assuming you're not Santa in costume. (no smile from him) What can I do for you officer?

He: Are you ... ?

Me: Yup. What'd I do?

He: I need you to come down to your office and speak to me and another officer. We have the owner of your company down there along w/the complaintants.

Me: WHAT? What 'complaintants' are you talking about? What's going on?

He: Apparently you turned your phone off, the owner of your company is trying to resolve a complaint made against you for credit card fraud and instead of just coming over here to arrest you we are trying to resolve this as we hear there may be a legitimate reason for what you've done.

Me: "Legitimate reason"?? Are you shitting me? Is this about that guy I just dropped off a coupla hours ago? WTF? I can tell you what happend. He ...

He: I'm sorry, but I need you to come down to your dispatch office. If not, I can take you downtown and we can book you and talk about it there.

Me: Shit. All right. Can I get dressed or do I have to go in my pj's? I'd hate to catch a cold.

He: Yes, you can get dressed, but I need to stay in the apt. to make sure you aren't going to go anywhere.

Me: Holy shit. All right. Come on in. Make yourself at home. Hell, ya want a beer?

...

Me: no? All right. Give me a minute here.

We head down to the office. Get there where there is my boss, another officer, the dispatcher that worked last night, Dude and the woman spitting fire out her eyes at me MUST be his woman.

She starts right in ... " This BITCH called me at ... " blah blah blah. She blathers on for about 5 minutes, cussing and calling me every name in the book.

We all just sit there and listen to her. (Truth to tell, I was kinda impressed. I'm a CAB DRIVER and haven't heard some of those names before. :o)

I finally get a chance to explain my side of it. One of the officers says "Do you have the incident # from the Vanc PD?"

Me: No. But here is the # I called on my cell phone last night. I think the officer I talked to was named ... can you call this number and get it?

Ofcr: Yes. Give me a minute.

He walks outside, apparently to call the Vanc PD. One ofcr stays in and the woman just starts going off on me again.

She: I don't know who the FUCK you think you are but I'm telling you MY man doesn't GO out drinking anymore since he met me. I don't LET him. He doesn't go OUT with those loser friends of his anymore. When I took him from my friend he used to go out drinking and whoring around, NOT ANY MORE. And now YOU call ME in the middle of the FUCKING night and say you have him, I will NOT put up with this. And I KNOW you stole his credit card, you BITCH! And I'm going to prove it! You look like a fucking WHORE anyway. What kind of WOMAN drives a cab anyway? A WHORE that's what kind.

I'm just sitting here looking at her the whole time. I'm kinda shocked, to say the least. Matter o' fact, everyone else in the room is pretty well shocked too.

Me: Wow. Such language on Christmas. Are you sure you aren't a cab driver? That's quite a mouth you got on you! Anyone have a piece of paper and a pen, I need to write some of these down before I forget 'em.

She: You FUCKING BITCH I'm going to ...

Fortunately the other officer came back in right then.

Ofcr1: Well, I've spoken to the officer the cab driver spoke w/last night. Everything she told us about the time she was with the officers has checked out. So I'm going to assume the rest of it is true as well.

She: WHAT?! How do you know this woman isn't lying about the rest of it? I want her arrested!! NOW! Just because that little bit is true doesn't mean the rest of it is. And how do you know the cops she spoke with last night aren't lying for her as well? HUH?

Me: Um. Wow. Well, would pictures help?

She just glared at me.

Ofcr1: What do you mean?

Me: I have a camera phone that when I take pictures it time stamps and dates the pics. I took pics last night. Would that help any?

I say as I smile innocently at the bitch.

He asks to see it. Goes through the pics.

Ofcr1: All right. I believe the cab driver. I think we can all just go home and try to salvage what is left of our holidays, ok?

She: Well, I just really wanted to see what she looked like. Now that I've seen you, I know he wouldn't fuck you anyway.

Ofcr2: One second. Cabbie? I'm thinking you have a lawsuit on your hands. 'Defamation of character', etc etc etc. (he's saying this while he's staring right at the bitch. He rattles off a bunch of stuff and her eyes are just getting bigger and bigger.) And Officer 1, I'm thinking we can certainly file a 'false report' against this woman here. And I'm certain there are many other things we haven't even thought of that will certainly get this woman arrested, here and now if you, Cabbie, would like to file charges.

I stared at her for a few seconds. (did I mention that the whole time we're here Dude is sitting in the chair with his head in his hands, saying absolutely nothing? :o)

Me: Look. It's Christmas. It's the season for tolerance, even the stupid people need a break during this holiday. I just want to go home and go back to bed. What say we all go home and everyone ... Merry Christmas all right?!

We all head off to do our thing.

You'd think it was over NOW, wouldn't you?! Nope.

2 weeks later, she disputed the credit card charge.

...