"... I am not a full service cab driver."

I got sent to pick up this chunky little hooker from this nasty little hotel and take her to one of the hotels on Interstate. A lot of the guys that stay in the hotels on Interstate are out-of-towners here to work on the ships at Swan Island. Usually welders and whatnot, lots of money and very dirty fellas.

Ride took about 20 minutes and the girl and I were chatting quite a bit, swapping stories (she won 'cuz ... ew). We got on fairly well.

I got her over to the hotel and she called Dude to come down and pay for the cab. Long haired guy, not bad looking but pretty dirty. (He couldn't even take a shower first???)

He: Hey there, what's the damage?

Me: Hi. $22.

He: Here you go. he handed me a $100 bill.

Me: Oh. I don't have change for this. Do you have anything smaller?

He: No, I only have hundreds except for the $40. I have for her.

She: Aren't you required to carry change?

Me: I am, and do, but only for $20., nothing that big. I can give you a ride somewhere to get some change, but I can't break that.

She: Everyone knows that cab drivers have a lot of money, why don't you have change?

Me: Again, I'm not required to carry change for something that big. Everyone knows that hookers have a lot of money, do you have change?

She: HEY! I'm not a hooker, I'm an escort damn it.

Me: OooooOOOooh. Anyway, Dude, you want a ride somewhere?

He: is standing there watching the debate twixt us and smiling Naw. Tell ya what, how about you just keep the change and we call it good.

Me: I would definitely call that good, but really, just let me give you a ride somewhere to make some change. Or hey, I bet the office here will have change.

She: Wait a minute. Honey, can't you just give her the $40. and give me the $100? she starts hugging on his arm and rubbin' on him I'll make it worth your while. I promise. wink wink

Me: Look, I don't care what you guys do, but the meter's still running so could somebody make up their mind 'cuz at least two of us are working here.

She: turns around and glares at me I bet if he had a fifty you could make change, right?

Me: Um, well, no actually. Whatcha wanna do Dude?

She: Wait wait WAIT a minute... you said you have change for a $20 and the cab fare is only $22 so if he were to give you a fifty ...

Me: Jeez. I'm sorry but I'm not smart enough to make 20 and 22 equal 50. And besides, he doesn't have a 50. And looks to me like he's having too much fun watching us argue here. So what's is gonna be Fella?

He: Here, I tell ya what he gives her the room key and tells her to get herself up there, and pulls out his wallet here, just take the hundred. Really. But what I really want to know is if I can have your phone number?

Me: Ah. You have that many girls over here you need a personal cabbie eh? :)

He: Naw. I think I want to see you again, to hell with these whores.

Me: Oh wow. I appreciate the offer, but I am not a full service cab driver.

And I got out before I offended him and lost my tip.


Dave2 said...

Wow. How do I become a full-service cab driver? Sounds like there's some serious money to be made!

Trixie said...

Well jeez Dave2, if you wanna "fully service" the guys on the boats I'm sure you won't need to bother becoming a cab driver. :)

Eeshie said...

Hilarious, as usual. You have the wittiest responses. :-)

whall said...

That's awesome.

Anonymous said...

I just stumbled n your blog, and all your posts are simply hilarious