"Weeeeeelllll actually ... "

I was trolling the streets t'other night and ended up at Kells Irish Pub (one of the more popular places downtown) and picked up a young couple and took them up behind Zupan's @ 23rd and W Burnside (21 blocks up the road). She got in first and fell across the seat, drug herself up and greeted me with a big ol' sloppy, drunken kiss on the cheek (she was reeeeally happy to see me). He got in and started singing some boy band song that I didn't recognize.

She: Would you STOP shinging that shong!! Oh my Gawd I am sho shick of hearing that shit! SHUT UP!!

He: Ummmmm ... HUH?

She: ADAM! Shut up! I hate that shong! Goddamnit ... it's my BIRFday ... why can't you shing shomething I like?? I HATE you. No I don't. I LOVE you. Oooooohhh... you are such a cute little baby. At this point she's rubbing his face like he's a kitten. I'm just watching in the rear view. Whew.

She finally spits out where we're going and we're off.

Me: after seeing Adam starting to slide to the side He's not gonna yak in my cab is he?

She: I don't shink sho. Adam. ADAM!! Wake up. You aren't going to frow up are you??

He: NoooooooOOOOOOoooo. I don't do that. I'm fiiiiiine. aaand he passed out

So she was just blabbering away drunkenly about how great it is to have a woman cab driver and how she really didn't like strange men helping her into the house all the time when she's alone. I refrained from mentioning that maybe she shouldn't be drinking to the point of having to have strangers drag her in the house.

ANYway, I get up the hill to their place, she's trying to wake up Adam while she's digging cash outta her purse. He's not really waking up. She stumbles out of the cab and puts her purse on the trunk to dig through it so I wake up Adam - I've had a bit of practice at this. He wakes up and looks at me and gets *that look* on his face.

Me: ADAM. Do NOT throw up in my cab.

He: uuuuuuhhhhh ...

Me: Get OUT of the car. NOW.

He: All right. Jeez. Mom. It was only that one time. After prom.

Me: Don't you make me get your father out here young man, now OUT! hey, whatever it takes

He sat up straight and stumbled out of the cab and over to the fence and starts throwing up over the railing. Their place is on a one way in/out street on this hill just off downtown, parking is at a premium here and theirs is fenced off w/the railing to keep people from driving off the edge onto a 15 foot drop into the bushes - this is where he's yakking.

She reaches in to pay me and as I'm looking at her he takes a header over the fence ... ! It takes me a moment to realize what I just saw, grab my phone and get over to the railing. Dude is laying there, on his face in the mud (it's been raining here a bit :).

Me: yelling at him as I'm calling the police ADAM! Are you all right?? Answer me ... ADAM!!

He: raises his right arm and waves it Fine. I'm fiii ... and yaks again.

She: plops down on the ground w/her legs dangling over the edge and her arms through the fence Oh he's fine. He does this all the time. ADAM! Get your drunk ass up here.

I'm chatting w/the p.d. dispatcher, telling her what's going on, meantime Dude rolls over onto his back and throws up on himself again. Fortunately the cops got there pretty quick. I left it to them and went back to trolling and ended up at Kells again and picked up this couple that were - happily - no where near as drunk as the other two. They were chatting as we headed to 2nd SW Harrison:

She: Wow. What a party. Kelly is going to regret all those birthday shots tomorrow.

He: Yeah, she's going to be miserable. And what happened to Adam? Man! He was fine and then he wasn't ... I thought he was going to throw up in the bar! I hope nothing happened and he made it home all right.

Me: Weeeelllll actually ...



Donna said...

This is good stuff. Thanks.

Anonymous said...


Sizzle said...

Man, I don't recall every being that drunk. For which I am so grateful.

Kimy said...

"Dude is laying there, on his face in the mud (it's been raining here a bit)"

---> that awkward moment when you're pretty sure it's been raining in Portland.

<3 nice blog. abound in creativity xD