So withOUT giving a personal opinion ...

I'm going to bring up the homeless.

Don't get me wrong here as I have a *definate* opinion on homelessness (and if you have been to or live in here in Ptld, we have some "homelessness issues") but this is just going to be some of my recent run-ins:

1) We have groups of ppl that go to where the homeless are and feed them. Take them whatever they need - food, clothing, bedding, etc. There is one such group that feeds dinner to a bunch of folks just a few blocks from where I work. I drive by and see the ppl that are feeding the homeless picking up the garbage that the feed-ees are just throwing on the ground, even though there are garbage cans provided for them.

2) There are always ppl hanging on the corners near the freeway entrances begging. Often it's the same ppl, same spot, every day. I believe they 'stake their claim' on a specific corner. I see the same guy out there, day and night, daily, no matter the weather with his sign, hunched over looking pathetic. I've been up close to this fella, often. One day I see him in the local Fred's with a bag o' change for the CoinStar machine with a lady that is often a few blocks down at the next ramp. They are laughing and joking and talking about their "haul" for the day. Hoping they made enough to pay the truck payment this month. He wasn't hunched over a'tall and had on more expensive Nike's than what I wear and/or can afford.

3) I was walking into Powells one evening and got hit up for some change from a fairly young lady sitting in front with her friend that has his guitar. I tell her I don't have any small change but the bar right around the corner is hiring for a dishwasher and sign in the window has today's date on it. She started cussing me out because I wouldn't just give her some larger bills.

4) On any given night you can see various young people around town holding signs that say some derivative of "spare any change for beer". Personal favorites so far: ' Alcoholic in Training, need money for school' and 'betcha can't hit me w/a quarter'.

5) Sitting at the corner waiting on the light to get to the freeway one night we (both lanes) had to wait on this hunched over, sad looking fella walking across the fwy entrance to stand on a corner where there was already another not-as-sad-looking fella standing. The 1st fella got angry. Started cussin' and whatnot and decided to go to the off-ramp instead of the on-ramp where they were both currently standing. But he was really agitated. Kept pacing back to yell some more. Finally they ended up in a fist fight over the corner. Neither of them looked too sad then.


"Dude, you've got a better batting average than A Rod right now!

I picked up this one fella about 5 times in a 2 week period. He lives on the west side, near Cornell and 185th, I don't generally go over to that side of town unless it's dead slow the other side of the river. His name is Peter. Nice enough guy, but drunker'n hell every time I picked him up. I remembered him after the first time, it took him until the 3rd to start hitting on me.

He: Hey hey! How you doin' baby?! Man am I glad to see YOU! You gonna take me up on that offer to go to dinner sometime soon?

Me: Naw. But I do appreciate the offer.

He: Come on now, I'm serious. I really want to see you away from the cab.

Me: I get that, but no, thank you anyway. Besides, you won't remember me when you sober up.

He: WHAT? What makes you think that? I'm not that drunk. Well, maybe I am tonight, but I don't drink that much the rest of the time.

Me: Peter. Come on now, lie to your mother, lie to your wife, but never lie to your cab driver. You're telling me you only drink on the nights you think I might be picking you up?

He: Well, yeah. I don't drink that much.

Me: Everytime I've picked you up. That makes about 5X in 2 wks now.

He: Nunh uh .. well, really?? That many?

Me: Yup. Dude, you've got a better batting avg than A Rod right now! And he's kicking some ass.

He: Awwww, come on now cutie. I ... um ... who?

Me: Alex Rodriguez? Used to play for Texas and Seattle now with the Yankees. Oh man, I tell ya, that's the clincher. I couldn't go out with a guy that didn't like baseball.

He: Well shit. I tell ya what, since I can't have you, why don't you take me to Dotty's down the street and I'll see if I can catch last call and do a little gambling.

Me: Ahhhh, the consolation prize.


Of all the asinine ... governmental ... GAH!

I don't know why this one bothers me so much, and I've put a solid 2 1/2 minutes of serious thought into it, but it does.

Get sent to pick up a lady out in Gresham going to Wilsonville. Account call so the instructions say "escort in and out, blind" Good 1/2 hr ride so we have plenty of time to talk. She's really nice and funny and very, very chatty. I'm fine with that, I can sit back and listen every once in awhile.

So she's back there rattling on about something and I've kind of tuned her out as she's talking about her Uncle being out of town on biz for an extended trip and he called her today to speak to her for almost 2 hrs trying to get her in the middle of why her Aunt (his wife) won't come down and visit with him. I perk up when I hear her mention that he says he won't be back in time to use her license to go shoot a deer.

Me: Wait ... did I hear that right? You have a hunting license? I must have mis-read the screen, it says you're blind.

She: Oh no, you got it right. I have a hunting license every year. Usually my uncle goes and shoots a deer for me every year but he's going to be out of town this year, as I was just saying.

Me: Ummm, I don't mean to be offensive, but the government issues hunting licenses to blind people?

She: Oh, don't worry, it's not offensive. Yeah, they started doing that in '98 I think. I love it. It's the best way to shoot a deer.

Me: I'm stuck on this one, one more question ... I can see w/the handicapped laws and whatnot how it would be considered discrimination to not issue a license to someone that is handicapped in some form, but ... I'm sorry ... you're blind. I'd like to hope that someone that was blind wouldn't be off shooting ANYthing before they started issuing the licenses and ... Ah hell. I just don't get it I guess.

She: You know, a lot of people seem to have a problem with this. They just don't understand.

And she's right, I just don't get it.


"You all right down there?"

This last January I was still driving for Brand X and sitting at the train station 'round about 3a waiting on a very late train to arrive.

I was sitting in the car of this other driver while we were waiting and we both ended up getting runs out to Hillsboro. Mine went to dntn Hills and his went just one exit on the fwy closer to town than mine. We both cleared at about the same time so I called him and forced him to thank me for making him wait at the train, since he usually doesn't, but at that time o' the night it's not like folks can take the bus home.

So we're driving along, laughing and joking ...

He: All right ... all RIGHT. Yes, you were right. Ya happy now?!

Me: Heh heh. I TOLD you that ... at this ... oh SHIIIIIIIITTT!

I hit a patch of black ice on the on ramp to the freeway. Fortunately I was only going about 20 mph, but I still did a complete 180 and ended up in the ditch about 50 yds further down the ramp. I still had him on the phone and he's yelling at me since I completely shut up after that above. I finally stop sliding and just sit there for a bit and finally start talking to him again.

Me: Oh wow. Dude. I'm in a ditch. Holy shit! Black ice. NOT fun.

He: Are you all right?

Me: Umm, yeah. I spilled my fresh Mtn. Dew all over myself though. Think Gawd is trying to tell me something about my addiction?

He: Are you sure you're all right? I'm on my way as soon as I find a place to turn around.

Me: Ummm, Dave? You're gonna hafta call base for me, my radio is out. Car's dead. while I'm getting out of the car Oh wow ... this ditch is deeper than my car!! My eyes are about level with the road from here. Whoa.

He called disp on the radio, they called the Wash Cty Sheriff and a tow truck. Dave is on his way back to where I am, he's about 15 mins away, give or take.

Me: Hey, I'll see you in a bit, the Sheriff just pulled up. Hey there Officer. trying to act all calm while I'm standing in mud 1/2 way up my shins in a ditch and it's about 20 degrees out.

Ofcr: shining his flashlight on me and my car. Are you all right?

Me: Well, physically I believe I'm fine.

Ofcr: Did you call your dispatcher on your radio?

Me: Sort of.

Ofcr: So, someone is on the way?

Me: Yeah. But I'm a little cold down here in the muddy ditch and it's gonna take about 15 minutes for the closest person to get here.

Ofcr: Well, if you're all right and someone is on the way I'm gonna go. And he left.

Me: *

He LEFT ME THERE!! A woman, alone, at 4 am, by myself, stuck in an effing ditch. BASTARD!!!

Dave showed about 10 mins after that. I sat in his car and waited the 45 minutes for the tow truck. Tow Dude finally got the car outta the ditch and the poor thing was covered in mud and grasses. Looked really pathetic. Didn't really bust anything other than one light on the tail end though, but we couldn't get it started. So it got towed to Beaverton, I caught a ride back to base with Dave and that was that. I sent my X to the tow lot to check out the cab the next day and see about getting it towed to my shop guy to get it fixed. Turns out the Crown Vic has a safety switch that if the back end is hit the gas shuts off so the car dies and doesn't blow up. If I'da known that I could've driven it home the night before. Sheesh.


Do ya wanna know why ...

Fresno State lost so badly today?!!

Ask the cab driver that shuttled the hookers to their rooms at the hotel all night. And did the beer run at 2:15a. And did the rolling paper run at 4:30a.


I think a percentage is owed to a certain cabbie by a certain local football team.


I'm hoping by sharing I can get this one outta my memories ...

I picked up this nice couple just across the Broadway Bridge from downtown, going to the Paramount Hotel. They were asking questions about the lights atop our cars (we don't turn ours off if we're occupied, it's a safety issue) at the light where we stopped at Broadway and Burnside and a large black woman came walking up and opened the back door where the fella was sitting. She didn't realize there was someone in the cab so she apologized and closed the door.

I got them to their hotel quickly and drove off up towards Vaseline Alley (buncha gay clubs in a row), didn't find anyone and kept driving. I wandered around for a little bit, ended up back on Broadway at Pioneer Square and stopped at the light and get hailed by someone at the Square. I look over and it's that same black lady, but this time she has this drunk cowboy with her. They get in the cab, her first (she has to fight to get in, she's pretty large) and he just kinda falls in next to her. I notice (read: am ASSAULTED by) her body odor. NOT pleasant. I roll down the windows a bit further. All of them.

Me: Hey there. Where we off to tonight?

She: Home. Well, his home.

Me: looking at him Where we off to?

He: My house.

Me: ... which is ...?

He: Where I live.

Me: Ah. That's helpful. Thank you. What's the address?

He: Um, just go forward.

Me: Yeah, to where?

He: Go forward. I'll tell you where to turn.

Me: How about you just give me your address and I'll get you there?

He: OK.

Me: ... OK ... what? What is your address?

He: Go forward.

Me: NooooOOOOooo, I'm sorry, that isn't how this works. I need your address first. What is it?

The time I've spent talking to him she's just sitting back there listening and rubbing his neck. He's reee-heeely drunk. Swaying in the seat and whatnot.

He: Uhhhmmmm, you know where Multnomah Village is?

Me: Yes.

He: I live near there.

Me: Hokay, where near there?

He: Off ... ummm ... 45th.

Me: Ok, so I get you to 45th and Multnomah you can get me the rest of the way right?

He: Of course. I'm not STUPID you know. I KNOW where I live.

Me: Ah. Silly me. OK.

So we head off down Broadway to the I5 south exit. Tooling along, she's rubbing his neck a bit and talking to him.

She: Oh baby, you're going to be so happy tonight. I'm going to make you happy. I'm gonna love you the right way. (he's just sitting there with his head on her shoulder, burping rhythmically) I'm gonna make you soooo happy you met me at the Square a little bit ago. And all that money you're going to give me is going to make Momma happy. Mmmmm baby, you smell me?! All that for you baby. SMELL it ... That's ALL for you honey ... Momma's got some honey for her honey.

And while she's doing this she's scooting down in the seat so she can spread her legs a bit wider and let him smell her.

She: Hey baby, to me you think you could scoot this seat up a bit more so my man can smell what I got for him?

Me: Uhhhhmmm, no. I honestly don't think he can smell anything right now. He looks pretty drunk. How 'bout you wait 'til we get there to take care of that.

We get up to 45th and Multnomah, after some serious shaking he finally wakes up, gives me directions and we get to his home. He stumbles out after paying me and she's asking him to come around and help her out of the car. He wanders around and helps her out of the car, closes the door of the cab and starts asking her who she is and why she was getting out at his house. I got outta there.


"Aw c'mon ... lemme have your phone number"

Was tooling out SE Stark a few nights ago and got stopped at a light next to a fairly young lad of about 22 or so in his little low-riding, hot-rod Acura. I wouldn't even have noticed except that he was revving his engine like "they" do. He keeps it up until I finally look over and he's staring at me. I just flash him a peace sign and go with the light. He paces me for a bit until we get stuck at the next light together.

He: Hey. HEY!!

Me: Hi there. Wassup?

He: Can I get your number?

Me: It's plastered all over the car, I can wait here while you write it down. *grin*

He: No, no no no. I want YOUR number. One to call you directly.

Me: Oddly enough, I get this often. Ah, sorry. I can't take personal calls. If you need a cab call the number on the side of the car.

He: I don't want a CAB, I want you. Lemme have your number.

Me: You can't have me. And no.

He: Aw, c'mon ... lemme have your phone number.

Me: Sorry. I'm workin' here.

He: How about you just suck my dick then, bitch?!

Me: As much fun as THAT sounds, I'm gonna pass.

And I took an immediate left in the middle of the road, he kept going straight.

About 2 minutes later a msg comes across my 'puter screen telling me that someone just called in and complained about my driving and "something that was said". WHAT??? Little ... punk ... sonofa ... Arghhh!! "you need to come in the ofc on Monday and speak to the supv"

So I did. And of course it doesn't matter what I said, I was still in the wrong because someone had to call and complain. Pssht. I've heard it said that we are "targets" because of the numbers on the car, but I never thought I would be one. Man, once we start getting in trouble for not sucking someone's dick the whole cab driving world is going to change. ;o)


Yet another "not a cab story" ...

I have new managers at my complex. I've been here for 8 yrs and seen about that many mgr's stroll thru (I've actually been here the longest of all tenants). As long as you fly under the radar life is fine here ... until now. Working nights I hardly ever have to deal w/these people, but I will still take offense if I feel someone is encroaching on my basic it's-my-apt-so-what-I-do-is-my-biz attitude.

We now have to let the complex know if anyone will be "visiting" more than 3 days out of the month. If they do, then they have to come and "check in" w/the complex manager. I'm thinking that is none of their business. Kinda angered me, truth to tell. I went in the other day to argue about them putting a sticker on my truck window ("... accidentally. We don't know who did it. All we can say is sorry, that will have to be good enough." As we've been getting grief for not parking in our own spots - numbered. Whole other story there.)

ANYway ... this BITCH in there says to me "Oh, by the way, we've noticed you've had the same visitor more than 3 times this month."

Me: ... is that REALLY any of your business?

She: Well, I don't know what the previous manager may have let you do (her response to everything) but it's now policy to ... etc.

Me: So, you think it's now your business what I do in MY apartment, and with whom?

She: " ... with WHOM??" *snort* Yes, according to policy it is now my business with whom you spend your time, in your apartment.

Me: just 'cuz she pissed me off Well, the one you've been seeing in the last couple of weeks is the guy that I've been paying to come over and service me. As I plan on having one every couple of days - as I can afford them - do you want me to have them ALL come check in with you? I think the escort company might charge me extra for that, damn it.

She: just stares at me for a moment Ummm, by 'visit' we mean if they sleep over. Ummmm...

Me: Trust me, there is no sleep involved. Do you need a video to prove that?

She: Ummmm, never mind.

Me: 'cuz I just don't let go no matter how smart it is By 'never mind' you mean that you don't want them to check in w/you and give a report on what, how and why they do what they do or 'never mind' as in it's ok for me to have as many guys as I want in my apt, if they're not "sleeping" as long as I pick a different one every time? 'Cuz I tell ya, there is this one guy ... well, 'never mind'.

She: This conversation is OVER!

Lookin' like I'll be moving soon.

"We play for the Beavers"

I got sent to the Teardrop Lounge at 10th and NW Everett to pick up 3 fairly young, good looking fellas. I call the phone # left and get no answer so as I'm heading off they came walking out and got in the cab. They haven't decided where to go yet but decide on Aura.

Beav1: We could just walk there.

Beav2: Where is it?

Beav3: Is there pussy there?

Me: *snort* It's 5 blocks that way.

B2: Well, we sent for this nice lady so lets have her drive us there.

Me: OK.

We get stopped at the light on the corner of 10th, which happens to be a 1 way going the wrong way.

B3: Can't you just turn right here?

Me: Nope. It's a 1 way. Going the wrong way.

B2: You would if you were cool.

Me: Ah, but you wanna be in one piece for all the girls when you get there, right?

B1: Yeah, true.

Me: Although, chicks dig bandages. War wounds and all that ya know.

B3: Oh YEAH! Dudes, one night I got beaned by the ball on my helmet and it hit so hard it cut my cheek. I had chicks all over me for weeks. I told them I was a boxer.

Me: Oh my gawd, what do you guys do?

B1: We play for the Beavers.

Me: Ah. That explains it.

B2: Explains what?

Me: *snort* nothing.

B2: C'mon. Explains what?

Me: Explains your friend there.

B3: You mean me talking about pussy? I'm sorry about that.

Me: No, you aren't. But I understand. I've hauled quite a few of you fellas around and you all pretty much talk the same after being in Ptld for about 2 wks.

B3: You got so much good looking pu ... women here.

Me: That's what I've heard. That'll be 6 bucks fellas.

B1: hands me a $20 and leans his hands on my window. Can you just give me ... 15 back? We'll call it good.

Me: Aw honey, patting his hand, I know if it isn't RBI's, sac flies or ERA then it doesn't really matter, but sorry, no. I will however give you 14 back since that's the correct change from 20.

B1: Oh gawd, you're right. I'm sorry. Hey, just give me 10 back and we'll call it even. And can I have your number? I like you.


More random shorts (2)

*** 1) I got sent to Skidmore and MLK to pick up a young couple, instructions say "Call when out front". I have no patience for that kinda stuff so I generally call when I'm around the corner. They came out the front door when I pulled up (smart, huh?!) and as they are getting in his cell phone is ringing from me calling, the fella says they're going to about 60th and Killingsworth and wondering if I could tell him about how much it is going to be. He ignored the phone while we were talking so it kept ringing it's cheesy, standard polyphonic ringtone.

Me: Well, it's going to be about 12 bucks, give or take, but I'll take 2 dollars off the bill if you'll buy a ringtone for that phone 'cuz, Damn.

Me: when we get there That'll be 14 bucks.

He: You gonna give me that $2 off?

Me: You gonna buy that ringtone?

He: Uhhhh, yeah.

Me: Uhhhh, yeah then. That'll be $14 bucks.

*** 2) Picked up 2 girls and a guy at about 2:20a Sat night and they're talking about where they're going (Nob Hill area) and what they want to eat. One of the girls looks at my cab license and starts squealing because her name is the same as mine. (Whoop. 2nd most popular name the year I was born) Do I spell it with 1 L or 2? (Look at the license babe.)

They're still deciding where to eat and I'm throwing out everything other than Taco Hell 'cuz I HATE (hate, hate) going thru Hell anytime 'twixt 2 and 3. I sit there behind 15-20 cars and wait. And wait. And wait. And listen to drunks squeal and yell at other cars and each other, and it's just plain annoying because my wait time while in line is nothing compared to 10 short fares I could be having.

Next question from Jr.Cabbie back there is 'can I be your best friend for the night 'cuz our names are the same?'

Me: Only if you DON'T go thru Taco Bell.

They ended up going to the Pharmacy on 23rd.

*** 3) Picked up an unattractive young man about 21st and W Burnside and he's going to about 17th se Madison. "... but let me make a call and make sure of the address. You can go ahead and head that way. Hey, it's me to person on phone What's your address? Yeah, but what's it near? A what store? What else is near there? Can you hear me? It's loud there, what's it NEAR?"

Me: Just get me an exact address. I'm a professional, I'll figure it out.

He: What's the exact address. All right, we'll be there in ... looks at me, I hold up 7 fingers 7 minutes. You sure this is going to be all right? Won't your folks get mad? *whispering* I really want to see you too, you know that. We'll be there real soon. I promise. If I have to get out and walk I'll be there as quick as possible.

Me: *snort* Dude, you have GOT to be trying to get laid.

He: A little, yeah.

Me: How do you get "a little" bit laid? That like a hand job and a kiss good night? Definition please.

He: Honestly, I just need a place to stay tonight.

Me: And so you're gonna go give it up to some girl in her folks place so you can have a place to sleep? Wow. That sacrifice there is definately gonna get you thru the Pearly Gates.

*** 4) Picked up a hairy fella (think Robin Williams) going from Broadway and Morrison to the top of Slaven Rd, as we're driving up the twists and turns he's talking (among other things) about how American's blame the Jews (of which he is) for Bin Laden. He's really pontificating. When he asks me about what I thought of it:

Me: Um, you sure live a ways up here. 'cuz really, I wasn't listening to what he was saying and wouldn't talk about it anyway.

He: I live close to my mosque, it makes my mom happy.

Me: DUDE!! I saw you on Sex and the City huh?!! :o) he looks at me blankly You know, older Jewish boy living alone to make his mommy happy?! C'mon now, you had to have seen it.

He was not amused. But he did admit to knowing what I was speaking of.


Well, since I lost ALL my male readers w/that last one ...

I was having a particularly amusing night tonight all because of this comm'l I saw before I left the house this evening, I almost fell outta my chair when I saw it ... stories to follow


"Can you call the co. to get her a cab?"

I got sent to a nasty little area of town (135th SE Powell) to pick up this little old lady and her puppy dog, name of Rudy. A cute little weenie dog that's crying a bit in his basket. Poor little feller. She doesn't know what's wrong with him but he's been like this for a coupla hours, not really complaining, just crying. We put Rudy and his basket up front with me. When he started crying I kept rubbing his head and talking to him, he was licking my hand and put his little head on my hand and cried. I almost did too.

She was telling me that she got him from a shelter, he had been abused by the lady that had him before. She had kicked him down the stairs, broke his back and all this other nasty stuff, little Rudy has this big ol' scar running down his back, one of his ears is almost completely gone, etc. The courts made the 1st lady pay for Rudy's back surgery and he was better, but would never be completely well.

While we were driving to the vet Rudy was getting a bit anxious (doesn't like car rides) so by the time we got to the vet he wouldn't stay in his basket. She couldn't lift him at all so I just took him out of the basket and carried him in there while we waited for the vet to come out of the back. He calmed quite a bit with me. Kept licking my hands and looking up at me with his sad little eyes while the vet was touching and checking him out. He finally took Rudy from me and took him in back, Ms. L had to fill out paperwork so I gave the lady behind the counter my cell phone number and asked her to call me when they were ready to go, I'd come back and get them.

I wander around and get a couple more fares and the next person that gets in found some keys on the back seat, they have Ms. L's name on them. After I drop them I head back to the vet's to drop off her keys and check on Rudy. I got there, the girl behind the counter remembers me and tells me that Ms. L will be ready to leave in a bit.

Me: No problem, I can wait if it won't be too long. How's Rudy?

She: Doesn't look like he's going to make it.

Me: ... What? Why?

She: I'm not exactly sure, but the vet was just out here saying that they were discussing what to do about him and the pain. Apparently Ms. L is quite upset.

Me: ... Ya know what? I'm sorry, I don't think I can take her home. Can you call the company to get her a cab? Here's money for her trip home. Thanks.

I came home and bawled. Then typed this.


Well now ya done did it Kapgar!

Kev gave me my own little award - well, I'm sharing it with others, but ... you know. :o)

I'm always happy to know that these odd little life stories of mine make people smile, or think, or annoyed, or whatever it takes to bring them back. I started this just because I needed some sort of 'outlet' for all this crap that happens to/with/because of me. (And have no doubts, I'm fully aware that most of this wouldn't happen if I didn't have such a smart-assed mouth :o) I am constantly amazed that people keep coming back because honestly, I don't find myself - or my stories - all that amusing. Well, no. I do find myself amusing, but as to these things I write here, since I've lived them ... just not so funny I guess. Folks sure do like 'em though. :o)

Thank you Kev, and to all the rest of you that keep coming back and especially to those that leave comments 'cuz I tell ya, most of my stories don't make me laugh, but the comments crack me up!

So on to those that make ME smile. I have a few that make me laugh, a few that make me think, and a few that provoke other thoughts and/or feelings. Hmmmm .......

1) Dave at Blogography. Dave was my first blog crush, as I think he has been for many people, and meeting Dave cements him in your mind and heart. He never fails to make me smile as even his rants/raves are amusing. Dave is always the one I go to when I need a little cab story pick me up; he always has something nice to say about my stories and/or writing.

2) Danny at Dad Gone Mad. I know he doesn't (well, I can't imagine he does) read my blog, and I'm not a parent so the 'Mommy Blog' thing doesn't appeal to me, but this guy can tell a story. Funny stuff almost every post. And by Gawd, that man loves his children. It's adorable. Almost makes me wanna go get some of my own.

3) Crystal at Boobs, Injuries and Dr Pepper. Yet another 'Mommy Blogger' I can't imagine reads my blog, but I love reading her. She is most likely the reason why I don't go get 'some of my own'. I would be this kind of mother - well, with a filthier mouth, of course - and I truly believe I would make my children's lives a living hell. I imagine growing up in her home would liken to being a child of Stephen King; cooler than shit to say is your parent but not looking forward to the bedtime stories.

4) Jen at RunJenRun. I met Jen when I met Dave at TequilaCon '07. Jenny is not only funny, but a genuinely nice person. If you can get past Rabbit that dances, reads, likes cats and spends spare time in movies then you can find the incredibly story teller underneath.

5) Mist1 at To do: 1. Get Hobby 2. Floss. She's been amusing me for quite some time. She does filthy much classier than I. Yet another I don't believe reads me, but damn this woman has some mind on her.

These are the blogs that consistently make me smile. Which isn't to say there aren't many more that I look forward to reading, and there are very many, but the top 5 that always make me smile, these are it.


"Could you be looking for a Bennie?"

I got sent to a home just off 167th and Farmington fairly early last night. When I got to the address there was a group of very young boys (9 boys, about 11-13) , some on bikes, hanging out in the middle of the street.

Me: Hey fellas, any of you guys happen to be Benjamin?

They: Uhmmmmm ... and they're all just looking at me.

Me: I'm just asking because this is the address I'm supposed to be picking him up at.

One of the young guys says "Uhhhh, no." And then another one in the back says "Hey guys, MILF!!" And they all start doing the "Yeah! Milf!" to each other.

Me: Um, thanks fellas. I'm going to be going now. Good night.

And drive off laughing, fairly hard. Well, turns out I'm on a dead end. I get down there and call the # Benjamin left and leave a msg on his vmb, void the call and head out. I wave at the boys as I drive by. I make it about 50 yds past the boys when I hear someone yelling at me. I stop and it's one of the boys that has a bike, he pulls up next to me.

Boy: Hey, could you be looking for a Bennie? I know a Bennie Somethingorother but I don't think he'd be around this area.

Me: No, it's Benjamin and he isn't home. But thank you for telling me.

Boy: Sure. No problem. then yells out MILF!!! And goes screaming off down the road, back to his friends.

I'm still unsure whether to be insulted or flattered. :o)


this one amused me

I got a call snaked by another driver last night. It happens. I get sent to just off Hall and 99 in Tigard to pick up a young lady and friend at their apt. About 2 minutes before I get there a msg pops up on the screen with the info that I needed to pick them up at the US Bank at whatever address right next to their apt. (The msg came across everyone's 'puter screens but w/my cab # so everyone would know it was for me.) So at the USBank I call the phone number given to reach her and she picks up:

Me: Hey, this is your cab, I'm at USBank but I don't see you.

She: Um, we're already in a cab. I'm sorry, I thought it was our cab. He pulled into the Bank parking lot where we are.

Me: Notta problem. Really. Can you ask him his cab number?

She does and says 610. Well, I just happen to be real good friends w/ol' 610 (he's my drinking bud) so I told her to tell him I was going to spank him later. She did, he laughed and that was that. I got another call right away and figured out where I was going then decided to call my ride stealing buddy. He didn't answer so I sent him a text msg that said "Pussy!!" and went about my biz.

About an hr later he called me back.

610: Are you the one sending me messages calling me a vagina hole?! What's up with that?

Me: Heh. I figured you were too much of a pussy to answer my call when you stole my ride.

610: Uh ...

Well, I 'splained to him what I was talking about, and after some very amusing twists and turns he figured out what I was talking about, and I figured out it wasn't him. The other driver was just spouting off some random cab number so he wouldn't get in trouble. If it would have been any other cab in the fleet I woulda called disp and reported the fella (we get charged $100 for doing this, if we're caught - and with gps many of us get caught) but he picked just the right random number to not get caught.

Ok, Ok, ya had to be there. :o)

How about this one:

I got sent to the Dolphin to pick up some dancer named "Euphoria". I got down there and turns out it's the same girl that doesn't tip cab drivers, apparently she had changed her stage name. She came walking out of the bar w/the bouncer but as soon as she saw me -

She: OH no no no no no. I ain't riding with that bitsch. (in her best Rosie Perez accent).

Me: Aw, now see, I thought you'd be happy to see me again. I'm hurt. grin The bouncer is just kinda looking back and forth between us. I thought your stage name was Velvet, if I would have known it was you I would've given this one back to another driver.

She: I changed my name because Velvet wasn't classy enough.

Me: .... just looking at her with one eyebrow up

She: Fuck you bitsch.

Me: Aw c'mon now, you gotta ask nicer than that. :o) I'll call you another cab. G'nite.