Stupid Girl

I picked up this good lookin' wench and these 3 fellas. She got back middle. As we're driving along she's spouting out orders to her puppies ... 'and when we get to my place I want one of you to take out the garbage' ' I need someone to give me some money to pay my house payment too. You can work that out between you boys.' That kinda shit.

I'm just driving along laughing with my inside voice and thinking very hard about how happy it would make me to smack this smug bitch. Apparently she saw me smirking in the mirror.

She: Is that your real hair?

Me: Are you talking to me?

She: Of course I am. You heard me didn't you?

Me: I also heard you giving orders to the fellas and I KNEW you weren't talking to me. And yes, it is.

She: I don't believe you. If you take that hat off the hair comes out with it. Right?

I just ignored that dumb ass comment. Not good enough for her.

She: Well I can just take this ... and as she's saying this she's reaching up to grab my hat and/or hair.

Me: Just to let you know, if you're going to pull on my hair, there had better be a happy ending in it.

She just looked at me dumbly.

Me: And I mean for ME. Not you.

Still got that drunk, blank, I'm-trying-to-process-what-you-just-said look.

Me: Still wanna touch it?

All three of the guys raised their hands and said "I do". She woke outta her stupor and started yelling at them. Didn't say anything to me the rest of the ride. Go figure.


Dave2 said...

You should start carrying a fly swatter under your seat. Or a squirt gun. Or a real gun. Some kind of smackable weapon of some kind perhaps?

Weekends said...

Oh I agree with Dave! Or maybe you can buy something that allows you to send a little shock through the seat when they say stupid things...

Jessica said...

Hi - looking forward to meeting you this weekend at TC in Portland!

The Chad said...

I'm with Dave on this one. If it were me, I'd rig up a shocker in the backseat.

Karl said...

LOL, too funny. Really enjoyed meeting you at Tequilacon, though I wish we'd talked more. So many funny stories I'm hearing about now involve you. Argh, not enough time.

Sizzle said...

that is some funny stuff. i totally missed the donut run!

great to meet you. :)

Anonymous said...

OMG, you fucking RULE. I would never have come up with such pitch perfect things to say at the actual time, maybe hours later. That's such a great story, I wish I could have been there.