"Oh my Gawd! I have fake nails! What am I going to do?"

First run of the night last night: I get these 3 women in The Pearl coming from their "spa day" (which, by itself is enough to make me consider not picking them up). These women are beautiful. About 30ish, all blonde, skinny, married w/kids and religious. I tried really hard to dislike them, but they were so sweet they even turned my cold, cynical heart around. (Whoda thunk?!)

I get them on their way and we're tooling along, 1 in front, 2 in back and I'm not really listening to their chatting as they aren't talking to me but my ears perk up when I hear them talking about demons. Turns out, the one in back, right thinks she's been possessed by a demon. And she's serious. Apparently she rec'd a book from a guy she knew way back in the day, a book of poetry and read it and now she thinks that she has been "taken over" by some sort of demon.

Authors note: This woman is dead-on serious.

So they have a spa day every 3 months while the hubby's watch the kids, tonight what they're doing is burning this book, with sage, to try and drive away the demon, in the fireplace of one of their homes.

Well, I just CAN'T let this one go by.

Me: Don't you have to be able to stand around the firepit, you know, surround the evil forces with good so they have no place to go but up and out?

DemonGirl: Oh yeah. I hadn't thought about that. Um, I know! Let's get use the firepit on your back porch!

Lady in Front: OK. and she's kinda looking at me like I'm a little nuts myself.

DG: Yeah. Yeah. Good idea! What else?

Me: Well, if you're the one that thinks you're being possessed I think you need to put in some clippings. You know, hair or nail clippings. That type of thing. At least that's what they used on Friends.

LinF: Oh yeah. I saw that episode.

DG: Oh My Gawd, I have fake nails! What am I going to do?? Can I use one of my tips? I can't cut my hair my husband will notice and ... oh NOOO!!

Her friends kinda calm her down and we all come to the conclusion that she needs to just pull some of her hair outta her brush and she'll be fine. The lady up front starts making jokes about heads spinning and whatnot a la The Exorcist.

Me: Oooooh yeah, make sure you have the phone number of an after hours priest handy. Ya never know when you're going to need a man of God to clear the path for you.

That one sets her off again. She doesn't know any priests on call, etc.

Gawd. This was getting fun!! ( I am SO going straight to hell!!!)

So as we get closer to her home she starts talking about getting the book and walking over to their home.

Me: Are you sure you should walk alone? We could wait for you.

LinF: She only lives 2 houses away from me.

Me: Ah. She should be safe then.

DG: CAN you wait for me? I don't think I should walk alone. You'll wait right?! Please?!

Me: Sure we can wait.

So we get to her house, she goes in the house to get the book.

Me: to LinF So, she's serious huh?

LinF: Oh yes. She's been going on about this for about 2 mths now.

Me: Let me take a stab in the dark here: She's been having 'feelings' for this old guy again, thinking about him a lot and that's why she thinks she's been possessed, right?

LinF: Nail on the head girl.

Me: Wow. Well, it's awful nice of you ladies to indulge her like this.

LinF: We're just tired of hearing about it.

The heretofore quiet lady in the back asks me for my cell phone number. They want to be able to call me again when they need a ride. Apparently I wasn't the only one (at least for this ride) that thought I was amusing.

Right then DemonGirl comes back and gets in the car. I ask her if she got her brush as well as her book. We wait again while she goes back in to get the brush. We drive the 2 house distance (granted, these are some biiiig homes) and they get out.

Me: Good luck with your exorcism. I hope I don't read about you in tomorrow's papers.

DG: Yes, thank you! Think good thoughts for me. You're a strong woman, I think if I have you on my side I can defeat any demon. Thank you!

I just drive off, shaking my head. You just never know anymore.

Not too long after this I get a group of college kids going from one side of town to the other and I was telling them about this woman. We were all laughing and having a good time. Then one of the girls piped up and said that her dad was a licensed exorcist. He'd gone to seminary school and had apparently taken the classes. They were all kinda quiet for a moment.

Me: So, did he do that because you were born?

She: Oh no. He did it long before I came along.

Me: Ah. I thought maybe he did it because you were coming along, ya know?! grin

None of them got it.

No one asked for my phone number on that ride. heh


Paradise Driver said...


Sometimes you're "hot".

Sometimes you're not.

It all depends on the crowd you're playing to. [wink]

Anonymous said...

"I am the summoner of nothing in particular."

Can I just come ride around with you for a few weeks so I can laugh my ass off?

Donna said...

I like your blog; you always make me smile. Some of your entries (maybe most?) fall into the "truth-is-stranger-than-fiction" category. I love it.

Karl said...

I'm with Hilary. How much do you charge for ride-a-longs?

Claire said...

Way to jump in there with proper exorcism etiquette. Hilarious!

The Chad said...

wow. just....wow.

Yeah, can i get in on this ride along too? I live close and dont make any irritating noises!

Heidi said...

LMAO what a fun couple of car rides, that lady is definitly a quack.

Manic Witch said...


Mad William said...

One way or another, people never fail to disappoint.

Love your stories.

Anonymous said...

"At least that's what they used to do on Friends."

That part had me rolling.