"I'll shake my ass for you to pay the fare"

Pretty slow night. I end up way out in bfe Gresham to pick up a little girl going to 181st/Glisan from 297th/Stark. I get there and it starts out bad.

Her and her man are standing out in the parking lot, arguing about her taking a cab. She opens the door ...

She: Just get in.

He: No. Just go.

She: No really, get in. You're costing me money as we stand here.

And so on until he walks off and she gets in. She tells me where we're off to and asks me to turn up the music. I listen to KUFO so I believe it was NIN at the moment.

She: Can you turn it up louder so I don't have to listen to my thoughts?

Me: Nope. But I'll turn it up to where I don't have to listen to you cry.

She: OK.

We make it to the end of the driveway, she looks back for her man and tells me to hurry.

She: Hurry. HURRY and turn the corner! We're going to the very next driveway and I don't want him to see us. HURRY!

Me: Stop that. Don't yell. I'm not going to "hurry". This is a blind corner. Don't worry, I'll get you there.

We make it fairly quickly.

She: OK, wait here. K? Please? Don't leave me here. Really. I'll be right back.

She runs in to find a friend, doesn't, comes back. She gets in the cab and starts to complain about the radio station I changed it to, then complains about her friend not being there, then her boyfriends, etc.

She: OK. Off to 181st/Glisan.

Me: Mmm hm.

The whole way down there (only about 6 minutes) I heard every single thing about her life that I didn't need to hear. Just got outta jail today, lost her kid 4 days ago and that's why she went to jail, how 3 of her 4 boyfriends treat her like shit. Etc Etc. eesh. (southeast portland ... white trash drama - if you've ever lived here, you'd understand)

We make it down to about 190th and Burnside and she looks at the meter ...

She: Oh Man!!

Me: What's up now?

She: Princess Leia only has $10 on her.

Me: I take that to mean you think you're Princess Leia and you just went a dollar over the meter, right?

She: Yeah. I'm sorry.

I pull over.

Me: Then this is where you get out.

She: Oh shit! You wouldn't do that would you? All right. All right. I tell you what, I got a friend that lives right here, just one block away. He'll pay you. Really, just drive over there.

So we pull into a typical se ptld barrio apt. complex and she runs inside. Comes back out with this dude name of Pancho. She starts blabbering and whatnot about how she doesn't have the money to pay the full fare and she just needs to borrow it from him, etc etc.

He looks at me to ask how much.

He: Aw man, I'm really sorry, I just don't have it. I don't know why she came to me, I barely even know this bitch. One of her bf's is my friend, but I don't even really know her. If I had it I would give it to you. You seem like you're pretty cool and all. If you wanna give me your number though I promise I'll get it to you tomorrow.

Me: to her So, how about you give me the $10 you say you have and we just let it go at that? It's only $13. on the meter now.

She: Well. I don't have it. But I tell you what, this dude right here, he has a 15 INCH dick!!

Me: Which does exactly nothing for me.

She: No really. Ponch, show her your dick. Come on man! I bet I can get him to ..

Me: STOP right there. I don't wanna see his dick. Damn. Just pay me the fucking fare.

She: But. I don't have it. But if you'll drive me down to 181st/glisan where we were supposed to go I can get Angie to pay you. I KNOW she will.

Me: So you called a cab company, knowing you didn't have any money. Got in and went somewhere anyway? You realize I could have you arrested for that, right?

He: Come on bitch, she's just trying to earn a living, pay her and let her go.

I look at her and she starts making these stupid little baby faces, sticking her lower lip out and whatnot.

Me: Stop acting like a fucking kid, this is an adult situation. What are you going to do? Pay me or go to jail?

She: I can shake my ass for you to pay the fare. and she starts to lift her dress waaay up above her knees and dance around.

Me: Please. What makes you think I wanna see your ass? I wanna see your cash. Nothing else.

She: I tell you what ... I'll be right back, I'll go in the house real quick and talk to his friends, I bet I can earn some money real quick. I'll be right back. Really.

She runs off into the apt, he just looks at me and says he has to go stop her. But he won't let her go anywhere.

I get on the phone and call the cops, then call my dispatcher and let him know what's going on and the address where I am, just in case. Stupid little wench. She comes back out and gets in the back of the cab.

She: sniff Um. They won't none of them let me blow them for any money. What am I going to do?
Me: Pay or go to jail. Those ARE the options.

She: Awww, come on now, you wouldn't do that to ME now would you? and the little bitch smiles at me like her shit don't stink and actually winked.

Right at that very opportune moment the cops finally show up.

Me: I'm guessing I already did.

We get out and discuss the issue w/the officers (which by the way, one of them is the coolest cop I'd ever met. This tiny little black woman with a mouth that could probably rival mine. And that's sayin' somethin'!)

So it finally comes down to the cops telling her to either come up w/the $23 (the meter runs until I get paid) or she goes to jail. So the male officer escorts her into the apt one more time to watch her beg for cash. I stand outside w/the female discussing the finer points of this side of town when they come back. The girl is all smiles and waving some cash around. Apparently the sight of the officer made someone change their mind.

Fem Cop: So, here's your money. Do you want it or do you want us to arrest her.

Me: Is that still an option at this point?

FC: Yes. It is completely up to you right now. She has the means to pay, but with the circumstances of the 'theft of services' we can still arrest her. Although that means that you won't get paid.

Me: No shit? Wow. Arrest her.

MC: Are you sure? You will have to go to court, etc etc

Me: Totally worth it. Arrest her.

Dude cuffed her and drove off. I stood and talked to the FC for a bit. Her and I yukked it up about the whole situation. We both went back to work.

** I realize this doesn't even come close, but I am completely at a loss for words to adequately convey exactly how batty this little bitch actually was. I'm talking, like, just fucking nuts.


Donna said...

Sounds like a druggie to me.

Weekends Off said...

Definately a druggie. Ah well, at least she went to jail with a few bucks in her pocket.

Dave2 said...

That court date had better not interfere with TequilaCon! :-)

apositivepessimist said...

so the best $23 you ever didn’t collect uh.

Heidi said...

LOL I so would have told them to arrest her too, sounds like she needed the lesson.

Neil said...

I think she came off batty enough.

Mel said...

Oh, god, deep Southeast - gotta love it. I would rather gnaw my own arm off than live anywhere near the area you just talked about.
Eesh is right.