Fat Tuesday, in a sick, twisted nutshell.

It was incredibly calm all night long compared to last year. There were so many folks out last year the cops had to start diverting car traffic outta downtown via bridges. Not kidding, there were - literally - 10's of thousands of people downtown. For hours.

This year, not even close. I only made it downtown maybe twice and it was dead both times. Seemed like a typical Ptld Tues. Waaaay too many cops downtown, they're trying to kill the drinking fun dntn so not as many people end up getting shot/killed/stabbed/whatever.

ANYway. It was pretty calm, but steady for me up until the last 5 rides, starting 'round about 3:30a.

About 3:30a I get flagged by a guy standing next to these 2 young ladies that were laying (!) on the curb across the street from the Dixie. (One of the more popular bars in town. It's part of the "herpes triangle" as I affectionately call it - where all the college kids hang out and take home stuff they aren't too proud of... or can't get rid of w/some heavy pencillin.) I pull up next to them and dude gives me the "one moment" finger and I just sit there and listen to this line of shit he's feeding these two girls.

He: Oh yes, I'm in town for one day only. I'm a heavy exec with a company I can't tell you the name of because I'm meeting with ... well I can't say. But they're HUGE here in Ptld, and soon to be around the world! etc etc

I'm just sitting there rolling my eyes when the girls roll themselves off the curb and into the car. Dude gets middle. As soon as he gets in he throws a $20 over the front seat and says "You help these girls out. No matter what they need. This should be enough. If not, here's another $20." and tossed another one over the seat onto the front passenger seat.

Me: Well, my goodness, how GENerous of you. You might wanna tell me what it is they need before you bankrupt yourself with your generosity.

Drunk girl 1: I need to find my car. I don't know where it's parked. She says it's somewhere close on a street that starts with an 'F'. Do you know it?

Me: Yup. Flanders. 2 blocks that way. What kinda car?

She tells me and we drive off. We only get about 1/2 a block when DG1 starts sweating me.

DG1: Do you see it yet? I HAVE to find my car!! OMG. What if we don't find it?!!!

Dude: Don't worry. She won't leave us on the street. We'll find it. No matter what. Here. Here's another $20 just to be sure.

Me: Good gawd, it's only 2 blocks over. Control your wallet big boy, if it's here, we'll find it.

Dude: Hey, I can tell you're cool. I like you.

Me: Not cool, just the only sober one in the car.

DG2: HEY! Don't you think I'm cool?! Look!! I got beads! Wanna see why?!!

And she pulls up her shirt to flash dude. He instantly latches on to one of her boobs and she squealed when we turned the corner.

It took about 1.5 mins to find her car. I pull over, she gets out immediately and DG2 starts slurping on Dude's face. Loudly. Ick.

Dude: So. You wanna come with me or should I come with you? I mean that literally, by the way.

Me: Oh my gawd. Stop that. In the car or out, there's another car behind us.

DG1: Daphne!! Come on! We have to go.

She flashes him one more time and jumps outta the car.

Dude needs to go to the Westin. A very short drive from where we are. He's sitting in the back seat eyeballin' me for a minute.

Dude: Sooooo, Cabbie. Wait. That's just completely insensitive of me, isn't it? I should ask your name. When I'm talking to a beautiful woman I like to know her name.

Me: Pssht. Come on now. Does that actually work for you?

Dude: Ummm. Sometimes.

Me: Well, not this time. Just stop that thought right there.

Dude: Oh, no, I get it. You're in control completely. I totally respect that. I love a ...

Me: Hey now. Enough of that. Keep it in control. We're almost there.

We discuss open joints he could go to at this time.

Dude: Well, I'm not really in the mood to really PAY for it if you know what I mean. I just wanna know, where would a guy go when he just really wanted to totally pleasure a woman, with no reciprocation? I mean, I am all about the woman. Really. etc etc The whole time he's saying this he's staring deep into my eyes to get his point across. As if.

Me: Well, honestly?

Dude: Oh yes. I'm a big believer in honesty. Almost as much as I am into pleasing a woman.

Me: Yeah, yeah. Anyway. Honestly, if you really wanna know where to go to get the best piece of ass you're gonna get tonight ... you shoulda went home with that girl. I can't help you. Here's your hotel. I hope you have lovely dreams.

Dude: Are you sure you don't wanna ... ? Ok. I can see that's a no. I tell you what. Let's just leave this one as a 'missed opportunity' and dream about what could have been. I hope you think about me later.

Me: I'm sure I will. When I start writing my friends about you.

Dude: Wow! I knew you liked me! I could tell. You're going to tell your friends about me. Well, I am in town for another day. Here. Let me make sure you remember me.

He tosses some more money on the front seat.

Dude: I would really like to just kiss your cheek. Just one little...

Me: Puh leeze. Get. Go sleep it off.

More bullshit was said by him but I finally got him outta the cab.

Total take on that $8. run = $97.00. Idiot.

SO THEN:

Rounded the corner and got flagged by girl and 2 guys. I pull up. Turns out one of the guys is really drunk and needs a ride home. They only have $23. and it should be about a $16 - $17 run. So long as he doesn't yak in the cab, we're golden. We get on our way and turns out dude isn't quite as drunk as he let on. Apparently he had done something extremely embarrassing and decided to fake the serious drunk to get going.

We stop along the way and get him some BK and get him home. He tips me $20. Not bad. (although it's not like he paid for the fare to begin with)

I call his friend and tell her he made it home all right.

About 1/2 an hr later she calls me back, her and her man are ready to go home and are wondering if I could take them. I go pick them up and we chat for the 1/2 hr it takes to get them to Gresham, about their friend and the silly things he did. It was amusing. We traded animal-running-over stories and drunken ride stories. Funny stuff. $35 for the ride and $20 tip. Quick two hundred bucks in just over an hour. :o)

That's about all that was entertaining tonight. I was severely disappointed.