Aaaaahhh, Brew Fest ...

When people come from all over the world to our little corner to showcase and try out all the Micro Brews to be had. And drink. And drink. Gawd Bless 'em. We started out busy and stayed that way until about 6a.

I came rolling back into town from the west side, down Burnside and get hailed by a fairly respectable looking, lone fella on the corner of 14th. He gets in and needs to be heading off down to Lk Oswego.

Me: So how's your night going?

He: S'ok. I was doing all right until about 20 minutes ago.

Me: Uh oh. That mean you're going to get sick?

He: Nah. I just haven't drank this much in awhile. he's not slurring his words or anything. I just need some air. Can I roll this window down?

Me: Certainly. Just let me know if you need me to pull over.

He: Sure. Sure. It won't come to that though.

Me: I've heard that one before. I'm telling you now, if you're gonna hurl, let me know and I'll pull over. If there isn't time, you'd better damned sure aim OUT the window.

He: Yeah. Look, I'm fine. Really. It's just been awhile. Really.

Me: Mmhm. Well, I'm warning you now, if you throw up in my car I'm going to charge you a lotta cash.

He: All right. Really. I'm just fine.

So we're toolin' along (ya'll can see where this is going, right?) with me asking him about every minute how he's doing. He still says he's fine. We're on the freeway south, down to the Curves.

He: I think you should pull over when we get around the curves here. No hurry, but just in case.

Me: All right.

I pull over into the slow lane, just get to the Terwilliger exit and blam. All over himself. Son of a bitch. I got pissed.

Me: What the FUCK? Dude ... OUT the fucking window.

I pull over on the side of the freeway, he proceeds to empty his stomach, on himself.

Me: GET OUT!! Are you deaf? Out of the fuckin' car.

He: I'm really sorry. yaaaaaaakkkk! Look, I only got it on my shirt. And he holds his shirt out from his body. Just so I wouldn't make a mess in your car.

Me: You idiot. Get out. NOW.

He finally rolls himself outta the car and throws up all down the side of the car. I get out to make sure he doesn't walk into traffic (can you imagine the paperwork on that one?) and close the back door. He finally finishes and tries to get back in the car.

Me: What are you doing? Take that shirt off.

He: No way. It'll just get worse.

Me: Nope. It couldn't get worse. Off. Now.

He: All right. But I think I should leave it on. Really.

Me: Notta chance.

So we stand on the side o' the freeway arguing semantics when he finally takes it off. I carry a gallon of water in my trunk (you just never know what you'll need it for) so I force him to stand still while I pour water down his face and hands, his shirt caught most of it. He's very upset, but resigned when I make him toss his shirt into the weeds. Fortunately, so far the only 'damage' to the cab is the outside of the car and where his hand touched the door. I threaten him with bodily harm if he even so much as looks like he's going to hurl and we get going again.

I get him down to his place in the 'burbs and he hands me his credit card. I ran it for $40 (the fare) and a $50 clean up fee. When I hand him the thing to sign he starts freaking out. After we discuss the finer points of just paying the money or going to jail he decides to pay and get out. No tip. Go figure. :o)

And hurled all over the bushes at his place too. I went and cleaned off and out the car and headed back downtown.

Picked up the next couple, mid 20's guy and girl and we have to go thru the Taco Bell drive thru.

He: Hey, your car smells good.

Me: Ya like that do ya? snicker

They're fairly drunk, I get to order for them and they're arguing about some girl he was looking at that she saw, blah blah. You know. We get their food and head up Barnes to Golf Creek. A pretty large apt. complex in the hills. They're getting fairly vocal about their argument. She's drinking some bottled water and he's mowing on his Nacho Cheese Chicken Chalupa when she decides she's gonna douse him with water. So he throws his Chalupa on her. Nacho cheese all over the inside of my car!!

Me: What the FUCK are you people doing??? They both calm down and look at me like I'm the idiot in the car. I pull over, we're at the QFC fairly close to their place. Who the hell told you it was ok to do that in a car? Are you both idiots? Jesus.

She looked down at the ground and said she was sorry. He took offense.

He: You know what? Why don't you just shut the hell up and take us home. All right. Let's go.

Me: Are you shitting me? Get out of my fuckin' car. You act like a fuckin' 2 year old and get mad at ME? Get out. Now. You can walk. It's only about 1/4 mile from here. He just stares at me for a moment? Pssht. Your dumb ass doesn't intimidate me Sparky. Get out.

He: What if I don't?

Me: Then I have to call the cops and have you arrested.

I keep looking at him, he gets pissed but gets out. The meter says $16 at this point so he digs exact fare out of his pocket, throws it on the passenger seat at starts walking and leaves her there with me. The girl is just looking at me.

Me: I can give you a ride home.

She: But he has all our money.

Me: No extra. But you gotta clean up the mess as we're going.

She: All right.

So she does, and I do. I waved at him while we drove by. With all my fingers.

I head back downtown and pick up this mid-20's couple heading to SE that are all over each other. They stop slurpin' each other every coupla seconds to whisper to each other. They finally decide to clean it up a little bit.

She: So how's your night?

Me: I could not adequately convey how much fun I'm having this night.

She: I bet. There's a lot of people downtown tonight. Your car sure smells good.

I just look her in the eye in the rearview and thank her.

He: Boy, I sure am hungry. Think we could go thru the Taco Bell drive thru on the way?

Gawd help me.

I have 2 more nights of Brew Fest to live thru.


Iron Fist said...

What is it about people who can't hold their liquor turning into infantile assholes? He threw his Chalupa at her??

Idiots. I promise that if I should somehow end up in your cab on the way home from Brew Fest I'll be as civilized as humanly possible for a guy with six drinks under his belt.

Paradise Driver said...

Its almost a full moon (Sunday). That explains a lot.

june in florida said...

All i wanna know is what are you using to clean up with? All that and "your car smells good"

whall said...

yup, gotta say it's full moon + beer.

butterfly_chic26 said...

I don't know how you yourself didn't throw up when the dude did. I would of been yakin right along with him. Just hear the sound sends me into convulsions. Then how you didn't slug the guy with the Chulupa. See I couldn't be a cab driver because I would of done bunched the dude, and handed his balls to him for a snack. I'm mean that way....

Sizzle said...

you kick all kinds of ass. i love how you made him get out and toss his shirt. and how you made that guy walk (and waved at him with all your fingers).

you rule.

Donna said...

This old country gal sure gets an education reading your blog. I love it!

BarnGoddess said...

beerfest brings out the winners!

ewww, that puking guy needed his ass kicked.

Why do drunks like taco hell? just because its open late?