Following the Civil War, when Duck fans stormed the field...
Girl: I wouldn't want to be caught in that. Crowds like that are so dangerous.
Guy 1: They're Oregonians for chrissake. What are they going to do, drive slowly in the left lane?
Guy 2: Hot box you?
Guy 3: Force you to compost?
- South Waterfront apartment
-- Overheard by Stefan
I got this from here --> http://overheardinpdx.blogspot.com/
12/5/09
9/17/09
Couldn't decide whether to look or not ...
Sent to pick up a lady at 4 this morning in this nasty area of town, in a nasty apartment complex that if I wasn't forced to go to I wouldn't. She lives off in the corner, upstairs with no lights and it's very, very scary-quiet.
I walk by her next door neighbor's apt, the window is open but no lights on inside and I hear a girl say:
I swear to God if you make me get on my knees and lick that shit up One. More. Time. I am going to kick your ass, I don't care HOW much money you have!!
I was just a little intrigued. heh
I walk by her next door neighbor's apt, the window is open but no lights on inside and I hear a girl say:
I swear to God if you make me get on my knees and lick that shit up One. More. Time. I am going to kick your ass, I don't care HOW much money you have!!
I was just a little intrigued. heh
7/19/09
"Girl, I have 57 nieces and nephews!"
I got sent to pick up an older (47) lady at 2a. She's called 3 times in the 10 minutes it takes me to get there (a message pops up on our computer when the customer calls back, as long as they aren't cancelling, that's a different msg). I'm going to cut this one down because a LOT was said in this 30 minute ride.
She: Girl! Damn am I glad to see you.
Me: Hi. In a hurry are ya?
She: Whatcha mean?
Me: I see that you called back 3X in the last 10 minutes so I figured you were in a hurry. Where we off to?
She: 92nd off Flavel. You know the area?
Me: Yup. Nasty little area this time of the night, sure you want to go there?
She: Yeah. I have to go visit one of my nephews.
Me: Ah. And he's up this time of the night?
She: Of course Girl, he's 34. He's always up this time of the night.
Me: Ah. OK. It was quiet for a few. So, one of your nephews? How many do you have?
She: Girl, I have 57 nieces and nephews!
Me: Seriously? You have like 30 brothers and sisters?
She: Sheeeit Girl. I got 6 brothers and sisters.
Me: Holy shit. Your family is BUSY. How many children do you have?
She: None.
Me: How'd that happen?
She: I just never wanted any. How many you got?
Me: None. Haven't found the right guy, ya know?
She: I know. My nephew is single. He's living with a girl now, but I'm sure he'd be interested in you and he's a proven stud.
Me: Oh wow. Thanks for the hook up, but I don't think so. But just outta curiosity, how "proven"?
She: Girl, he's fine. Females on his ass all the time. He's got 17 kids.
Me: snort Seriously? Guess that's proven all right. Must be a big assed house we're going to visit he's got 17 kids.
She: Ah hail no Girl, none of his kids LIVE with him. Sheeeeit. He got 13 different baby momma's.
I swear I spit Mtn Dew out my nostrils at that one.
Me: What the ... ? Seriously?? What's the child support payments in his household look like? Damn.
She: Lazy bastard don't work. Never has a day in his life. .......
Upshot ... this guy moves from girl to girl, making babies and living off the woman and their welfare until she gets too bothersome or he finds a "better" one and moves on. Has done this his entire adult life. And turns out has a brother a few years younger that has almost as many.
And just to make it a little more entertaining, we were going to the nephews house so she could sell him some of her food stamps because she needed beer money. That's why she was in a hurry, can't buy beer after 2:30a here in Portland.
I weep for our future.
And my sanity.
:o)
She: Girl! Damn am I glad to see you.
Me: Hi. In a hurry are ya?
She: Whatcha mean?
Me: I see that you called back 3X in the last 10 minutes so I figured you were in a hurry. Where we off to?
She: 92nd off Flavel. You know the area?
Me: Yup. Nasty little area this time of the night, sure you want to go there?
She: Yeah. I have to go visit one of my nephews.
Me: Ah. And he's up this time of the night?
She: Of course Girl, he's 34. He's always up this time of the night.
Me: Ah. OK. It was quiet for a few. So, one of your nephews? How many do you have?
She: Girl, I have 57 nieces and nephews!
Me: Seriously? You have like 30 brothers and sisters?
She: Sheeeit Girl. I got 6 brothers and sisters.
Me: Holy shit. Your family is BUSY. How many children do you have?
She: None.
Me: How'd that happen?
She: I just never wanted any. How many you got?
Me: None. Haven't found the right guy, ya know?
She: I know. My nephew is single. He's living with a girl now, but I'm sure he'd be interested in you and he's a proven stud.
Me: Oh wow. Thanks for the hook up, but I don't think so. But just outta curiosity, how "proven"?
She: Girl, he's fine. Females on his ass all the time. He's got 17 kids.
Me: snort Seriously? Guess that's proven all right. Must be a big assed house we're going to visit he's got 17 kids.
She: Ah hail no Girl, none of his kids LIVE with him. Sheeeeit. He got 13 different baby momma's.
I swear I spit Mtn Dew out my nostrils at that one.
Me: What the ... ? Seriously?? What's the child support payments in his household look like? Damn.
She: Lazy bastard don't work. Never has a day in his life. .......
Upshot ... this guy moves from girl to girl, making babies and living off the woman and their welfare until she gets too bothersome or he finds a "better" one and moves on. Has done this his entire adult life. And turns out has a brother a few years younger that has almost as many.
And just to make it a little more entertaining, we were going to the nephews house so she could sell him some of her food stamps because she needed beer money. That's why she was in a hurry, can't buy beer after 2:30a here in Portland.
I weep for our future.
And my sanity.
:o)
6/21/09
Phone conversation with another driver ...
... male, Ethiopian, amusing and easily understood (!).
blah blah blah ...
He: Yeah. That's one of the reasons why I prefer American women to African.
Me: Hm. What is? Exactly.
He: African women talk to each other about men too much.
Me: You mean gossip? We all do that, it's a human thing, not just man/woman.
He: Yeah, but African women get more detailed. Once you sleep with one woman and she finds out you have a small dick then she tells every other woman in the country and you never have sex again.
Me: admirably suppressing my laughter Hunh. And you're thinking white women aren't like that? Maybe we just don't have as large a group of friends as the ladies in Africa.
He: Maybe. I don't think so.
blah blah blah
He: So are you EVER going to go out with me?
Me: Not now that I've found out you have a small dick, no.
heh
blah blah blah ...
He: Yeah. That's one of the reasons why I prefer American women to African.
Me: Hm. What is? Exactly.
He: African women talk to each other about men too much.
Me: You mean gossip? We all do that, it's a human thing, not just man/woman.
He: Yeah, but African women get more detailed. Once you sleep with one woman and she finds out you have a small dick then she tells every other woman in the country and you never have sex again.
Me: admirably suppressing my laughter Hunh. And you're thinking white women aren't like that? Maybe we just don't have as large a group of friends as the ladies in Africa.
He: Maybe. I don't think so.
blah blah blah
He: So are you EVER going to go out with me?
Me: Not now that I've found out you have a small dick, no.
heh
6/13/09
text msg conversation with a customer ...
fade in: I picked up these 2 young fellas from Tigard and took them to Sherwood, in the cab for about 15 minutes. They were pretty quiet so I was telling 'em some cab stories. Between the 2 of them they said - maybe - 30 words the whole ride. This was about 1am Friday night.
2:51am
Little Boy: Hey
Me: Hey yourself.
3:53am
LB: How is it going
Me: Do you realize who you are texting?
LB: Yeah
Me: Hunh. Looking for more cab stories?
LB: I want some story about you
Me: Little boy I am old enough to turn you over my knee and spank your narrow ass.
LB: Yeah would you like that
Me: You might want to stop this now.
LB: Yeah right lol
Me: Seriously. I'm old enough to be your mommy.
LB: How old i like them old
Me: Too old. Isn't it past your bedtime little boy?
LB: I'm not a kid 21 so what up
I picked up a customer so couldn't respond right away ...
LB: You dont want it then
Me: As appealing as you make IT sound, no. Thank you.
LB: What
LB: Ill make it worth it baby
Me: Hm. So now I'm Baby huh? Doll, this stuff doesn't work on me. Go find a cute young girl to play with.
LB: Why not you
Me: I think sublety isn't working. Thanks for the enticing offer, but no.
LB: Ok
I thought that would be the end of it but nooooOOOOOoooo ... next night, 12:35am
LB: Hey sexy
Me: Oh Lord. You couldn't find anyone else to play with?
LB: No i want to play with you
Me: C'mon now, why me?
LB: Cause i like old gales (sic) and i want you
Me: Trust me, you don't want me.
LB: So what do you think
Me: I think not.
LB: Ok peace i just wanted a peace of ass anyways
Me: I assumed. Good luck with that little boy.
It's been a whole week now, no new messages. I think I've been rejected. ;o)
2:51am
Little Boy: Hey
Me: Hey yourself.
3:53am
LB: How is it going
Me: Do you realize who you are texting?
LB: Yeah
Me: Hunh. Looking for more cab stories?
LB: I want some story about you
Me: Little boy I am old enough to turn you over my knee and spank your narrow ass.
LB: Yeah would you like that
Me: You might want to stop this now.
LB: Yeah right lol
Me: Seriously. I'm old enough to be your mommy.
LB: How old i like them old
Me: Too old. Isn't it past your bedtime little boy?
LB: I'm not a kid 21 so what up
I picked up a customer so couldn't respond right away ...
LB: You dont want it then
Me: As appealing as you make IT sound, no. Thank you.
LB: What
LB: Ill make it worth it baby
Me: Hm. So now I'm Baby huh? Doll, this stuff doesn't work on me. Go find a cute young girl to play with.
LB: Why not you
Me: I think sublety isn't working. Thanks for the enticing offer, but no.
LB: Ok
I thought that would be the end of it but nooooOOOOOoooo ... next night, 12:35am
LB: Hey sexy
Me: Oh Lord. You couldn't find anyone else to play with?
LB: No i want to play with you
Me: C'mon now, why me?
LB: Cause i like old gales (sic) and i want you
Me: Trust me, you don't want me.
LB: So what do you think
Me: I think not.
LB: Ok peace i just wanted a peace of ass anyways
Me: I assumed. Good luck with that little boy.
It's been a whole week now, no new messages. I think I've been rejected. ;o)
5/9/09
Not a story, but funny stuff for you ...
I'll be back to story-ing soon ... just quit my 2nd job and am now just driving again. While I build up some stories ya'll should check out these sights. ;o)
1) http://textsfromlastnight.com - what it sounds like, people send in their texts from last night. Who can argue with stuff like this:
(918): Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
(515): I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
or this:
(310): im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
2) http://oicollege.com - Only In College, The stories you'll never tell your parents.
3) http://www.superdickery.com/ - some dude takes covers or frames from old comics and makes comments.
Enjoy. Be back soon ...
1) http://textsfromlastnight.com - what it sounds like, people send in their texts from last night. Who can argue with stuff like this:
(918): Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
(515): I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
or this:
(310): im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
2) http://oicollege.com - Only In College, The stories you'll never tell your parents.
3) http://www.superdickery.com/ - some dude takes covers or frames from old comics and makes comments.
Enjoy. Be back soon ...
3/7/09
Ya know how you have the perfect response if some wild situation EVER comes up ... ?
Well, it happened!!
Sitting in the office one night, twiddling my thumbs (playing Pinball on the 'puter as we don't have 'net access) when I get a call.
Me: Trixie Cab, this is Trixie.
He: Hey Trixie, this is Habib. (NOT his real name)
Me: Hey Habib. What's shakin'?
He: I'm locked in my car.
Me: Yeah, right. What's really going on?
He: No. I'm serious. I'm locked in my car.
Me: thinking this guy has never really joked with me before so he might be serious Um, your cab?
He: No personal car.
Me: ... Seriously?
He: I'm not kidding you.
Me: Dude ... you're locked IN your car??
He: As silly as that sounds, yes.
Me: Well hell. Is the top down?? this is the one I've had stored up for years, I'm sure you've all heard various blonde jokes about this situation.
He: Um ... what?
Me: Sorry, American humor, you wouldn't get it. So, where you at?
He: In the parking lot.
Me: What kinda car you got? he told me And what is it you're expecting me to do? I'm guessing your keys are in there with you, yes?
He: Yeah.
Me: Can you roll the windows down? I couldn't help it ... this was some funny shit!!
He: Come on now Trixie, I have no power to my car. The doors are locked, no windows, etc. Can you come out here, please?
Me: Sure, but what do you want me to do ... break a window?
He: NO! I have a set of spare keys in the cab, it's still running in front of where I'm parked. Just come get them and let me out.
Me: Hunh. All right. Be right there.
As I was walking out there he came running up, apparently the back door was unlocked so he crawled through the seats to get out.
This amused the bejesus outta me.
Sitting in the office one night, twiddling my thumbs (playing Pinball on the 'puter as we don't have 'net access) when I get a call.
Me: Trixie Cab, this is Trixie.
He: Hey Trixie, this is Habib. (NOT his real name)
Me: Hey Habib. What's shakin'?
He: I'm locked in my car.
Me: Yeah, right. What's really going on?
He: No. I'm serious. I'm locked in my car.
Me: thinking this guy has never really joked with me before so he might be serious Um, your cab?
He: No personal car.
Me: ... Seriously?
He: I'm not kidding you.
Me: Dude ... you're locked IN your car??
He: As silly as that sounds, yes.
Me: Well hell. Is the top down?? this is the one I've had stored up for years, I'm sure you've all heard various blonde jokes about this situation.
He: Um ... what?
Me: Sorry, American humor, you wouldn't get it. So, where you at?
He: In the parking lot.
Me: What kinda car you got? he told me And what is it you're expecting me to do? I'm guessing your keys are in there with you, yes?
He: Yeah.
Me: Can you roll the windows down? I couldn't help it ... this was some funny shit!!
He: Come on now Trixie, I have no power to my car. The doors are locked, no windows, etc. Can you come out here, please?
Me: Sure, but what do you want me to do ... break a window?
He: NO! I have a set of spare keys in the cab, it's still running in front of where I'm parked. Just come get them and let me out.
Me: Hunh. All right. Be right there.
As I was walking out there he came running up, apparently the back door was unlocked so he crawled through the seats to get out.
This amused the bejesus outta me.
2/18/09
Yes, I'm fine ...
just really busy!
I'm thinking of starting yet another blog about the joys I'm having with all these drivers trying to set me up with their friends. Yup. Loads o' fun there. Ya'll remember what fun it was when you were dating, before you got married, attached, whatever? I was flying along happily in my ignorance until I started working in the office and actually dealing with people for more than just a few minutes at a time. Now I'm interacting. And apparently, pathetically single. So all these guys are trying to find me a man. This is loads of fun. Here's one:
One of the drivers is arguing with a friend on the phone about where he is at that moment. We're in the break room at work, about 10 of us, just kinda killing time, doing paperwork, that kinda stuff. He's a little loud. As I walk by him he tells me to tell the guy where he is at right now and holds the phone out to me. I lean down, real close to the phone and say:
Me: Baby, come back to bed, I NEED you NOW!!
The guy with the phone freaks out! Heh.
Me: Good thing that wasn't your girlfriend, huh?!
And I walk off.
So about 5 minutes later he walks up to me and hands me his phone:
Dr: He wants to talk to you.
Me: Who?
Dr: My friend. He thinks you have a great voice.
Me: I don't wanna talk to ANY friend of yours.
Dr: Come on. I can't talk to the guy, he won't shut up about you.
Me: Aw jeez. All right. 'Lo?
He: Hi! My name is Mike. What's yours?
Me: Your friend didn't tell you?
He: Well, yeah. He did.
Me: ... then why you asking? I don't make ANYthing easy.
He: Um. Well ...
Me: Don't work to well under pressure do you?
He: I ... wait. What?
Me: Nevermind. What's up?
He: I want to meet you.
Me: Well, let's not waste any time here. How about I get your number from your friend and call you later? I'm actually working here.
He: Yes. That's great! Call me later.
Me: All right. Toodles.
So I get Dude's number and call him about 8p last night.
Me: Hey, it's Trixie. You busy?
He: No! Wow. I didn't think you'd call.
Me: Why, are you heinous?
He: Am I what?
Me: Ugly? Deformed? Socially unacceptable?
He: Um ... I'm not ugly.
Me: snort All right. I'll let you go on this one. What's going on?
He: Where are you at?
Me: Home. How about you?
He: I'm giving a friend a ride home. Can I stop by your house?
Me: Hell no.
He: ... what?
Me: Hell. No. What part of that don't you understand?
He: Why not?
Me: Seriously? I haven't met you, why would I let you come to my house?
He: I just want to meet you.
Me: How about we decide if we like each other on the phone before we get to the going-to-your-home part, eh?
He: Ok. So ... can I stop by?
Me: I'm done talking to you.
He: What? Why?
Me: You're an idiot. And I don't talk to idiots. Unless I'm getting paid for it that is.
He: So ... that mean I can't come by?
Me: Good bye. and I hung up the phone
Jeez.
So he called me back about 5 minutes later. As if once wasn't enough.
Me: Hello?
He: Hey, it's Mike. Sorry, I just dropped off my friend. We've been drinking since about 3 this afternoon and he was getting a little loud.
Me: So this is the socially unacceptable part, right?
He: What do you mean?
Me: Not only are you an idiot for not understanding what the word "no" means but you drink and drive as well, eh?
He: Heh. Ok. Maybe. Can I come over?
Me: click
And he's called me about 10 times since then. I'm only concerned that he's going to show up at work while I'm there like the last one did. I'll tell you about that one some other time.
Gawd, I love being single. :o)
I'm thinking of starting yet another blog about the joys I'm having with all these drivers trying to set me up with their friends. Yup. Loads o' fun there. Ya'll remember what fun it was when you were dating, before you got married, attached, whatever? I was flying along happily in my ignorance until I started working in the office and actually dealing with people for more than just a few minutes at a time. Now I'm interacting. And apparently, pathetically single. So all these guys are trying to find me a man. This is loads of fun. Here's one:
One of the drivers is arguing with a friend on the phone about where he is at that moment. We're in the break room at work, about 10 of us, just kinda killing time, doing paperwork, that kinda stuff. He's a little loud. As I walk by him he tells me to tell the guy where he is at right now and holds the phone out to me. I lean down, real close to the phone and say:
Me: Baby, come back to bed, I NEED you NOW!!
The guy with the phone freaks out! Heh.
Me: Good thing that wasn't your girlfriend, huh?!
And I walk off.
So about 5 minutes later he walks up to me and hands me his phone:
Dr: He wants to talk to you.
Me: Who?
Dr: My friend. He thinks you have a great voice.
Me: I don't wanna talk to ANY friend of yours.
Dr: Come on. I can't talk to the guy, he won't shut up about you.
Me: Aw jeez. All right. 'Lo?
He: Hi! My name is Mike. What's yours?
Me: Your friend didn't tell you?
He: Well, yeah. He did.
Me: ... then why you asking? I don't make ANYthing easy.
He: Um. Well ...
Me: Don't work to well under pressure do you?
He: I ... wait. What?
Me: Nevermind. What's up?
He: I want to meet you.
Me: Well, let's not waste any time here. How about I get your number from your friend and call you later? I'm actually working here.
He: Yes. That's great! Call me later.
Me: All right. Toodles.
So I get Dude's number and call him about 8p last night.
Me: Hey, it's Trixie. You busy?
He: No! Wow. I didn't think you'd call.
Me: Why, are you heinous?
He: Am I what?
Me: Ugly? Deformed? Socially unacceptable?
He: Um ... I'm not ugly.
Me: snort All right. I'll let you go on this one. What's going on?
He: Where are you at?
Me: Home. How about you?
He: I'm giving a friend a ride home. Can I stop by your house?
Me: Hell no.
He: ... what?
Me: Hell. No. What part of that don't you understand?
He: Why not?
Me: Seriously? I haven't met you, why would I let you come to my house?
He: I just want to meet you.
Me: How about we decide if we like each other on the phone before we get to the going-to-your-home part, eh?
He: Ok. So ... can I stop by?
Me: I'm done talking to you.
He: What? Why?
Me: You're an idiot. And I don't talk to idiots. Unless I'm getting paid for it that is.
He: So ... that mean I can't come by?
Me: Good bye. and I hung up the phone
Jeez.
So he called me back about 5 minutes later. As if once wasn't enough.
Me: Hello?
He: Hey, it's Mike. Sorry, I just dropped off my friend. We've been drinking since about 3 this afternoon and he was getting a little loud.
Me: So this is the socially unacceptable part, right?
He: What do you mean?
Me: Not only are you an idiot for not understanding what the word "no" means but you drink and drive as well, eh?
He: Heh. Ok. Maybe. Can I come over?
Me: click
And he's called me about 10 times since then. I'm only concerned that he's going to show up at work while I'm there like the last one did. I'll tell you about that one some other time.
Gawd, I love being single. :o)
1/18/09
Hey now, remember me?? :o)
I got sent to a retirement facility to pick up this tiny little lady and take her to go play bingo not too long ago. I had to go to her door to fetch her, the instructions say "Be careful, 93 yo, moves slow but very independent". Okee Dokee.
I wander on up and knock on her door. She opens it and she is just the cutest, tiniest little old lady I've ever seen. She's got her hair and make up all done up, her big sparkly BINGO sweatshirt on, a big ol' smile and some strappy 4 inch heels. Nothing else.
I'm just standing there ... whooooooa.
Me: Oh. Well now, hello there.
She: Hi Honey. I'm ready.
Me: Are you sure??
She: Oh yes dear.
Me: You realize you forgot something there, right? As I'm saying this I'm pointing downwards towards her nekkid legs.
She: cackling like a biker that's been smoking 2 packs a day for the last 50 years HA! Just wanted to see if you'd notice!
Me: Well, jeez. Ok. I noticed. Now go put some drawers on, it's cold outside.
She: cackling s'more I like you Honey. I got something to show you.
Me: Something else?!
She: cackling again Hold on a second. She scoots herself and her little ol' walker around to where her backside is facing me: Now do you think these shoes make my legs look longer?? She asks as she's looking over her shoulder at me.
Me: Ya know, I think they'd look a whole lot longer if ya GO PUT SOME PANTS ON!!
She just laughs at me again and asks me to wait for her. She told me some fairly interesting stories about her life.
I like to think that if I make it to the age of 93 I'll have earned the right to wander 'round w/out my drawers. I don't plan on inflicting that on anyone, but I'll have definately earned the right.
I wander on up and knock on her door. She opens it and she is just the cutest, tiniest little old lady I've ever seen. She's got her hair and make up all done up, her big sparkly BINGO sweatshirt on, a big ol' smile and some strappy 4 inch heels. Nothing else.
I'm just standing there ... whooooooa.
Me: Oh. Well now, hello there.
She: Hi Honey. I'm ready.
Me: Are you sure??
She: Oh yes dear.
Me: You realize you forgot something there, right? As I'm saying this I'm pointing downwards towards her nekkid legs.
She: cackling like a biker that's been smoking 2 packs a day for the last 50 years HA! Just wanted to see if you'd notice!
Me: Well, jeez. Ok. I noticed. Now go put some drawers on, it's cold outside.
She: cackling s'more I like you Honey. I got something to show you.
Me: Something else?!
She: cackling again Hold on a second. She scoots herself and her little ol' walker around to where her backside is facing me: Now do you think these shoes make my legs look longer?? She asks as she's looking over her shoulder at me.
Me: Ya know, I think they'd look a whole lot longer if ya GO PUT SOME PANTS ON!!
She just laughs at me again and asks me to wait for her. She told me some fairly interesting stories about her life.
I like to think that if I make it to the age of 93 I'll have earned the right to wander 'round w/out my drawers. I don't plan on inflicting that on anyone, but I'll have definately earned the right.
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