"I didn't call no cab."

I got sent to grab a fella from about 26th-ish and Ainsworth, NE Ptld one early evening. It was still fairly nice out and there was this quite-a-bit-older black gent watering his lawn when I pulled up in front of his home.

Me: Hi there. Are you Jacob?

He: Ay-yup. He eyeballed me.

Me: OK, well then, I guess I'm here to pick you up.

He: I didn't call no cab.

Me: Ah. OK. Lemme check here a second, I might have the wrong address. I stick my head back in the car door and eyeball the computer screen quickly. I check the address on the screen and his: same. Well, it looks like this is the correct address. And you say your name is Jacob, yes?

He: Ay-yup.

Me: Weeelll, maybe someone in your house called a cab? Izzat possible?

He: Ha-yell no.

Me: Oh, I know, one second ... I read off the phone number that was given to me with the order. Is that your number?

He: Ay-yup.

Me: Well, there must be some sort of mistake then. I'm sor -

He: Dayum RIGHT you gots it wrong bitch. I didn't CALL no cab.

Me: Whoa. Sir, just because there's an error doesn't mean you need to be calling me -

He: Don't you TELL me what to do on MY proptee bitch. I TOLE you I didn't call no cab. Same thing I tole that other cab just left.

Me: Another cab was sent to this address?

He: What I said ain't it?

Me: Ah. Then someone must be playing some sort of childish game. I'm sor-

He: You say I'm playin some GAME?!!

Me: No sir. I said "someone -"

He: And by "someone" you means ME. I knows you do. I done TOLE you ... And dude turned his hose on me!!!

Me: GAH!! (That one's for you Wayne) and I ducked back into my cab quick enough to only get a little bit wet.

I was so busy laughing I could barely drive; only made it about 1/2 a block (out of hose range) before I had to pull over, get out of the car and shake myself like the dog he accused me of being.


Jessie said...

If you wanted to be a bitch you could press charges. Since you're a bitch and all. I mean, he done tole you he aint ordered no cab.

Mel said...

ROFL! What an asscrack.
Well, I guess he figured being old and crotchety has its privileges... but dude, I think I'd be thinking seriously about egging his house. Or something. I dunno. Shit, he's got a hose, he can clean it up fairly quickly, right?

Dave2 said...

See... this is why I couldn't have your job. I would come back that night and firebomb his house WITH HIM IN IT for turning the hose on me.

Tragerstreit said...

MAN I can not WAIT to get old so I can pull crap like this! I want to slap people for no other reason than that I am old, dammit, and they aren't, and get away with it. Because I'll be old.

Anonymous said...

I totally missed your birthday.

I'm sorry!

Happy Birthday to you

I got no couth

Happy Birthday, dear bloggy friend

I'll do better next year!


(Ok, so it could use a little work, but it was totally sincere!)

whall said...

Hey, thanx!

You coulda gone all out and used all my favorite phrases...


He: [sprays water]
Me: GAH!
He: LOL you're such a luser
Me: [cocks fake gun]
He: Oh NOES!!11!
Me: pew pew pew
He: I TOLE you not-tuh shoot me!