"Hey, have a ham sandwich."

I got sent to pick up a bartender from a bar down on lower McLaughlin earlier this week, about 3:30a. She was pretty amusing in a white trash/tweaker kind of way, and not going very far so it was a quick ride. We pulled up to her apartment complex:

Me: Which entrance?

She: The 2nd one, pull up next to the mail boxes.

Me: Driving in the entrance You mean the mail boxes there where the 1/2 naked guy is standing? There was a youngish white dude standing there wearing nothing but some camo cargo pants and a baseball cap, sideways. Eating a sandwich.

She: That's my 1/2 naked guy.

Me: Ah. Well ... isn't that sweet of him to stand out here and wait for you at this time of the morning.

She: Yeah, he worries about me.

While she's paying me he opens the front door of the cab and reaches in to me.

He: Hey, have a ham sandwich. He reaches in and tries to hand me a sandwich. Nothing but ham and *dripping* with mayonnaise. I HATE mayo. Not a big fan of ham either.

Me: Oh wow, um ... thanks, but no.

He: It's really good, I just made it.

Me: Really, thanks but I just ate.

She: He isn't going to stop until you take it.

He: Really, take the sandwich. It's left over from the holidays.

Me: Um ... New Years?

He: No, Christmas. I froze it. Let me get another sandwich for you. It's here on the mailbox. He steps back from the car and walks to the mailbox.

Me: To her, quietly I HATE mayonnaise, and ham. Really, tell him it's nothing personal, but I don't want his sandwich.

She: Just as quietly I have a hard time making him stop when he gets like this. Just take it. Even if you have to throw it out when you drive off. He'll get mad if you don't take it. Then I just have to deal with him all night. She hands me another $5.

I just kinda look at her for a sec ... he walks back to the car and reaches in with the other sandwich. Even MORE mayo. Eeeeewwwwwww. (I truly have this unnatural revulsion to mayo. But that's a rant for another time.)

Me: Looking at her, she's urging me to take it All right, wow, thanks. And I take it from him.

She gets out of the cab and closes the door. I look at him and ask him to close the door so I could leave.

He: You should eat that right away. It's still partially froze and I think the mayo is right on the edge.

Me: Oh wow, um thanks. I will. I gotta get back to work now. Lots to do.

He: Take a bite, let me know how it is.

Me: Dude, look, I was just trying to be polite, but I'm not going to eat your sandwich. Your girl begged me because she said you were going to get angry if I didn't take it, but honestly, I just don't like ham and I hate mayo. Why don't you just take this thing back and we'll both go about our business. K? And here, here's the 5 bucks she gave me to take it.

He eyeballs me for a minute, then slammed my car door, grabbed her by the arm and waltzed her toward their apartment.

I drove up to their garbage and dumped the sandwich. Eesh.

TUA: By the way ... today's my birthday, I'm officially old. Gawd. <--- My not so subtle hint for ya'll to tell me HB!! ;o)


Donna said...

I get to be the first? Whoopee!!! Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Cab Girl, Happy birthday to you!
That's from Missouri.

Dave2 said...

Sigh. I love mayo and put it on everything.

In the future, when offered a ham and mayo sandwich, simply say you are a vegetarian. It works for me (mainly because I am a vegetarian).

taxitalk said...

people try to feed me stuff, I just say no, Happy birthday,

Tracy Kaply said...

WHEEEE! Many happy returns of the day, dude!

Sizzle said...

can anyone say "abusive relationship"??? holy crap. and to tell you that the mayo is about to turn? ewww.

in other news: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

you rule! have a fantastic day. :)

Heidi said...

Happy Birthday!!!

Liz said...

Happy Birthday!

Wavemancali said...

Today is your birthday... na na na na na na.... so have happy birthday na na na na na na.

jenny said...

I'm totally with you on the mayo thing - I HATE IT! Happy birthday - hope it's filled with all sorts of mayo-less adventures!

Michelle said...

Happy Birthday. And I too detest mayonnaise...... can't even stand the sight of it.

Iron Fist said...

From a fellow "officially old" person who can't stand mayonnaise -- HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Paradise Driver said...

Hau'oli la hanau!

You're not even close to my age, you youngster. :)

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday!

Missy said...

Happy Birthday! Hey, I can take a hint. I also hate mayo.

whall said...

Happy birthday!

And I wish people would offer me all sorts of food, especially with mayo... :) I remember as a kid sometimes I'd just make mayo sandwiches. Or get some bread, slather some mayo on, then put the sloppy joe mix all over it. mmmm-good!

Jeanine said...

I gotta admit mayo can be nasty...but anyway happy birthday I love reading your tales. If I am ever in need of a cab I want yours ;)

DBA Dude said...

Belated birthday greetings from another even older dude.

You sure get to meet the weirdest people.

wafelenbak said...

Happy Birthday!!
I would have probably taken a bite just to keep the peace. That is why I am not a cab driver. ;)
(actually, I wouldn't have, because I am allergic to mayo which would be my argument, but if I were in YOUR shoes...etc etc etc)

Mel said...

Happy belated birthday!!!!!!! Sorry - I don't blawg on the weekends. ;)

Tragerstreit said...

Happy birthday!

What constitutes officially old, I wonder?

SkippyMom said...

I am sorry....but I would have vomitted the minute I saw it...I too have the same aversion to mayo....[shudders] and ham? ICK! $5 extra wouldn't have made me touch it. GAH!

Anyhoodle - Hope you had a spectacular birthday [sans ham&mayo]and don't go feeling too old....I sense I may be older and I am only 41! hee....now, my hubby? 51...THAT's old [kidding]

Have a great year!

Catherine said...

I hope your birthday was just as you like it! Many, many happy returns.