"Ah yes, there's my beautiful wife"

I picked up this somewhat affluent couple from the Ptld Golf Club t'other night - middle-aged attorneys - she was stumbling drunk, he wasn't even close to that. He poured her into my cab and got in behind me, we were off to NE Ptld, about 25 minutes, plus/minus.

We're tooling along and they aren't speaking much. He pretty much refuses to talk to me, which doesn't really phase me as he's got "that look" about him. She asks me how I'm doing and he tells her to "just be quiet" and she does, for about a minute, then she starts babbling about how drunk she is.

He: I'm hungry. Are you hungry? You didn't eat much. Of course you never do, you just drink.

She: I'm hungry for YOU baby.

He: Yes, well, I want food. How about we stop at the Whatever Bar (I didn't hear which one) and get some food? Maybe another drink?

She: I just want to go home baby.

He: Yes, well, I don't think you'll be able to cook anything decent in the state you're in so how about we stop and get something to eat? Maybe some of that Chinese that you're always sneaking when I'm not around?

She: Baby, I don't need any more to drink, I just want to fuck you! I holding that she thought she was whispering.

He: Ah yes, there's my beautiful wife. You can take the girl out of the trailer park and give her a 200K education, but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl.

She: Yeah, fuck you!

He: Yes, well, if we go to the bar then I'm telling you now, you don't get to talk. At all.

At this point the alcohol has caught up with her; her head is lolling about on the back of the seat and she's starting to breathe heavily. I've seen this look before. This isn't going to end well. We tool along for about 5 minutes in silence, when I'm guessing he was getting desperate as he started to make small talk with me.

We aren't really chatting about anything substantial (good thing too, I don't think my little cab-driver mind could have handled it) and stop at a light at the corner of MLK and Alberta, she opens the back door and leans out a bit.

Me: All rightee, I'm going to pull over now.

He: No, she's fine, just take us home instead of to the bar.

She: I ... um ... I don't ... feel ...

Me: OK, I'll pull over right up there in the parking lot. Are you going to be OK until then?

He: She is FINE. She will NOT get sick in a cab like a common drunkard. Take me home, and if she DOES, I can afford whatever fine you deem necessary for cleaning your cab.

Me: Oh no, I "deem it necessary" that I pull over and she DOESN'T get sick in my cab. I pulled over.

She thinks about it for a minute, he's just glaring at me in the rear view, not even bothering to help her get the door open or make sure she doesn't fall out of the car. I just smiled and shrugged put the car in park and told her that I was going to come around to help her out of the car. He's still glaring at me.

He: A-GAIN with the vomiting after a party. Can you iMAgine what the partners are saying about you right now? Thank GOD they can't see you now. My mother told me ...

She: All RIGHT! I'm fine. Take us home. For Crissakes you keep bringing up your mother whenever we get into an argument.

He: Well, just imagine what she's going to have to say when we get home and you're in THIS shape ... AGAIN.

She: Well, if the old BITCH didn't LIVE with us she wouldn't be talking about me behind my BACK.

He: Well, if you could work AND take care of our newborn then she wouldn't have HAD to move in with us. Look, we only have a few blocks, let's keep this from the cab driver, I'm sure she doesn't need to hear this.

Me: Or WANT to, where to?

I got them home about 2 minutes after that. Nothing more was said, there were some ugly glares going on though.


Dave2 said...

Lovely. Why is it that I am a little bit obsessive in wanting to know what their kid's life is going to be like growing up?

Donna said...

Did he tip well? Thanks for the little window into the real world. Almost makes me want to check out!

kapgar said...

I have learned the hard way... if there is any inkling of a need to pull over, YOU PULL OVER. Good call on that one.

The Lily said...

You know, I find it oddly satisfying that money doesn't by class or compassion. And I'm not talking about her.

What a dick.

wafelenbak said...

I'm with Dave. I worry about that poor baby!!

Rick said...

Sounds like they deserve each other. ;-)

Sizzle said...

oh dear god please never ever let that be my reality.

that guy sounds like a real dicktard.

Tragerstreit said...



Larry said...

So lemme see if I've got this straight... Dumbass that still lives with his mother is throwing down the "take the girl out of the trailer park" bit? Really?

Even if she technically lives with him, I get the impression there that he's a pathetic mamas-boy, just the same. Whadda prick (not that that was my only clue, mind). HA!

"Common drunkard"... Is being an uncommon one some kind of improvement? Are there benefits? Secret staggers or mumbles you have to learn, maybe?

Anonymous said...

Wow, it's just like a fairy tale. The drunk princess and the asshole prince.

Let me just say, I LOVE my mother-in-law, but if she lived with us, I'd develop a drinking habit faster than you could blink.

whall said...

Looks like they both signed up for some tough lessions in this go-round of life. As did their kid.

My prayers and wishes are with them.

taxitalk said...

I know that guy

Shemp said...

Arrogant, insensitive and insecure? And you say the guy's a lawyer? Wow, you could have knocked me over with a feather!