St Patty's 2008 (Saturday)

Here's some fun little short stories for ya:

* I had these 2 guys that were pretty amusing in my car heading across the bridge to the Doug Fir for some late night dining. We were having a good time yukking it up about most everything and we got on the subject of swimming. Somehow.

Guy2: C'mon now, you think ALL swimmers were on cocaine?

Guy1: Of course they were. What guy in his right mind would shave all the hair off his body?

Me: You mean, aside from latex play?

Both: EW!

Me: You KNOW they had to be on drugs, lookit that 'stache on Mark Spitz fer Crissakes!

Guy1: You mean the pre-Selleck 70's mustache?!

Guy2: I saw BOTH his mustaches.

Me: Don't do it.

Guy1: Whatcha mean?

Guy2: Inside that speed-o? Dude had JJ Walker between his legs, man.

Me: Ya did it.

Guy1: Holy shit! That's just wrong.

Guy2: Dy-no-mite!!

* Picked up this group of youngsters going from Clancy's across the bridge to the Chesterfield. The guy that sat up front I've picked up before. I remember him because every time he gets in my cab he always has to ask if I'm the lesbian cab driver. Every time.

Me: Hey Edgar, how you doin' tonight?

He: Oh yeah, I remember you! I'm great.

Me: Smells like you've been spending some time yakking in the alley. You feeling all right?

He: Yeah. Better now anyway. Now wait a minute ... are you the dike?

Guy in back: Naw man. Remember, she's the one that looks like a dike but isn't. Why do you keep forgetting?

Edgar: Oh yeah, that's right. Eyeballs me for a second. You DO realize you look like a dike, right?
Me: Yes. It's 'cuz I'm fat and wear a baseball hat. I know, I know. You say this every time I see you.


* Got sent to this little hole in the wall place called the Desert Inn on S McLaughlin one night to pick up some guy named Chad. I was coming up from Canby so was passing by anyway, took me about 15 minutes to get myself there. I get there and find my guy and his gal, both pretty far gone into their drink.

Me: Howdy folks. Where we off to?

She: We're going to this bar called Something. (I forgot what she said)

He: Naw, remember, they changed the name of it.

Me: Um, well, what's the new name of it?

He: The Porterhouse.

Me: Yer shitting me, right?

He: Nope. That's where we're going.

Me: You called a cab to take you ... what? 100 feet?

He: It's your fucking JOB right? Just take us there. to her See baby, I told you I'd get you a ride.

Me: Shit. Yer right, it IS my fucking job. You guys strapped in?

She: What do you mean?

Me: Well, you hafta wear your seat belt. Safety first and all that.

He: To go 100 feet?

Me: Well, if you're going to call a cab to take you next-fucking-door then yer going to put on your belt to go next-fucking-door.

She: Can you talk to him like that?

Me: Well, I'm just looking out for your safety. If he doesn't want me to get a bit irritated then maybe he shouldn't call a cab to take him next-fucking-door. Seat belts?

They both strap in, bitching about it the whole time. We take our 15 second ride.

He: Hey, how come you didn't start your meter?

Me: Ah heck, obviously you need your money to keep your woman happy so I'm giving you a free ride.

He: Um. Let me give you some money for the ride.

Me: Aw jeez mister (in my best leave it to beaver voice), that's awfully sweet of you, but really free ride. Get the fuck out.


Paradise Driver said...

Good stories. As always.

Donna said...

You have a knack for making me laugh with your stories. Keep it up.

Sizzle said...

"Get the fuck out."

100 feet?! What an asswipe!

Lisa said...

Hehe! Pitful drunks.

Iron Fist said...

Clearly I've been getting it wrong this whole time. If I had realized that the "you DO realize you look like a dike" line worked earlier, I would have started using it a lot earlier. I'm such an amateur.

lyle said...

you should do a little experimenting. next time he starts the 'you look like a dike' line, respond by saying 'that's so funny, because i always think you look kinda gay... hey, help me out, how do you deal with it when people always say that to you?'

see how much he enjoys it.

TrixieTaxi said...

Ah, guess I forgot the important part of that story, Edgar IS gay.

Sorry 'bout that one folks.

Oddly enough, it's almost always only the gay guys that ask me if I'm a lesbian. Most of the straight guys assume I'm not or won't ask. Of course, it could be that in their drunken state they just assume that ALL women want them so of course why wouldn't I. :o)