"Um, Hi. Can you help me out here?"

The set up:

I get sent to a tiny little dive out in the middle of Redland, OR to pick up a guy. I get there, there's a total of 7 ppl in there, including the female bartender. The guy is in the process of getting kicked out for calling a lady a c*nt. The bartender is trying to help/force him out and a guy patron is trying to do the same but he's getting a bit angry about them touching him. I'm listening to them talk and figure he's my guy ... this is gonna be a fun one.

Me: Hi. to him. I'm your cab driver. You wanna leave these mean people now, don'tcha?

He: stares at me drunkenly Hey pretty lady! HA! BITCH! to the lady he was yelling at, not me. This pretty lady WANTS to take me home. Fuck YOU. I'm going home with her.

The bartender is thanking me - quietly - in the background. The lady that was getting yelled at starts yelling at him again, making him angry again. He turns around to say something at the door. I turn around real quick to her:

Me: HEY! I point at the bartender You shut her up, right now or I'm leaving him here. I don't want him in my car, angry.

The 'tender grabs the lady and turns her around. I "accidentally" run into the guy at the door and push him out. He gets distracted and decides to get in the cab.

Me: All rightee. Where we off to?

He: I'll show you. Milwaukie. Off McLaughlin.

Me: Ok. But can I have your address in case anything happens?

He: I'll SHOW you. Damn woman. Let's just get outta this place.

Me: All right. But you gotta be nice to me.

He: Yeah yeah. You ain't no bitch. You're fine. Just take me home.

So we're driving along. He's nodding against the back seat. Great. He's gonna pass out. We get to lower McLaughlin and I wake him up to get directions. He tells me to keep going up McL. I have to shake him to get his attention so he gets angry.

He: FUCK! WHAT? Goddamn woman. Just take me home. Fuck. Fucking bitches. Always ... mumble mumble. And he passes out again.

I'm trying to remember where the closest cop shop is to where we are. I'm not really looking forward to trying to wake him again and there's no chance I'm gonna try and snag his wallet. (He's a big guy, did I mention that? Probably 6 2" and 250.)

I opt for the sheriff's dept at Oak Grove and McL but there's no one there, doors are closed and locked. Shit. So I pull back up to McL and try and wake dude again. I'm at the light by the Jack in the Box and shakin' the hell outta dude to wake him so naturally he comes up swinging!! Asshole. Fortunately he missed - got the back of my headrest - and slid over in the seat and started snoring.

I'm a bit shaken, but calm. I take a breath and look at the light, still red and at the 7-11 across the street and it's like I hear the Angels singing from heaven: "Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!" Right there, in the 7-11 parking are 3 officers from the sheriff's department! Whoot! I pull across McL and into the parking lot.

I get out of the car and walk over to the 3 officers; 2 men and a woman. They have 2 young girls in cuffs and are chewing them out for a) being out after curfew (they're both underaged) and b) having a single leaf of pot in the bottom of a bag. The girls are bawling, the cop is chewing them out and the other 2 cops are trying not to laugh.

Me: Um. Hi. to the female cop Can you help me out here?

She: What's the problem?

I tell her what's going on and she tells the 2nd guy cop what's happening, he agrees to help her get dude outta the back of my car after he gloves up. At this moment he gets called off to a car accident just down the road so she has to enlist the help of the cop that now has the girls in the backseat of his car. He says he'll help so they walk over to the cab.

HeCop: Hey! Wake up! no movement from dude. HEY! still no movement. All right. I'm going to grab his arm, you grab the other.

Me: Um, just so you know, I say, from the front bumper of my car he seems to have a fairly serious issue with people touching him. Just an observation.

HC: Trust us, this is what we do.

So he reaches in and grabs him. Dude is slowly coming to, but it's slowly working. HC gets dude out far enough that She Cop grabs his arm and they start yanking, hard. THIS got dude's attention, he comes up swinging at the cops. HC pulls out his stun gun and just LAYS it on dude! They're STUN-GUNNING dude in the back of my cab!!!

Well NOW dude is *fully* awake. Starts yelling and screaming, swinging and whatnot. I'm standing there with my hand over my mouth just staring. By this point everyone at the 7-11 is out watching the goings on as well.

So they finally get him wrestled outta the car and onto the ground, still stun-gunning him and get him cuffed. Dude is screaming at the cops, wide awake and highly upset. Flopping around on the ground like a fish. I still got my hand on my mouth.

HC: looks up at me Are you all right?

Me: Oh, yeah. Sure. I'm not the one in cuffs on the ground.

He just smiled at me. He drops down onto dude's back w/a knee to hold him still while SC frisked him. She tosses a knife onto the pavement then finds a gun (!!!) in an ankle holster. Dude's toast, headed to jail.

SC: to HC Look, I don't think I can handle this guy, you wanna take him in?

HC: Sure I ... wait ... I got the girls. he looks at her. Then to me he says Hey, I need a favor.

Me: Um. Sure.

HC: I need you to take these girls home to Naef Rd about a mile from where we are. I've already called their parents so I need you to turn them over to the folks. Can you do that for me?

Me: Sure.

So he gets them outta the back of his car, uncuffs 'em and tells them I'm taking them straight home, to their parents. They get in my cab, still sniffling and I give HC my contact info, he gives me the girls info. Then he asks if I got paid, I tell him no so SC pulls money outta his wallet to pay me the fare. No tip. ;o)

I get in my cab and the girls are over their trauma and putting on their make up. One of the girls is bitching to the other:

Girl: Can you beLIEVE he was going to arrest us for having an old leaf??!! I mean. What the FUCK? she looks at me Can you believe that? What fuckers!! And what the FUCK is up with this curfew bullshit?

Me: You realize they're just looking out for you, right? You shouldn't be out at this time of night, hanging at a 7-11. There are some MEAN motherfuckers out here, trust me, I know. Especially since the bars are soon closing and you're only 2 miles from the biggest strip joint on this end of town.

The little bitch ROLLED HER EYES at me!!! What the ... ?

Me: HEY! Don't you roll your eyes at me you stupid little wench! I am the ONLY reason you aren't going to jail right now so you had better - at the very LEAST - have the damned respect to at least LISTEN to me or I will get the attention of one of those cops and have them take your ass to jail. RIGHT now.

Both their eyes got all big and scared. They're just staring at me.

Me: WELL?? What's it going to be?

Girl: You're right. I'm sorry. And hey, thank you for saving our asses. Really. We DO appreciate it.

Me: That's better.

I turn around and we drive off. I hear them whispering to each other in the back. I get about 3 blocks from their home and hear:

Girl: Um ... driver? Can you take us to my boyfriend's house? Or just drop us off here and we can walk.

Me: You have GOT to be shitting me!! Just so you know, when I read about you two silly bitches getting raped and killed from some drunk idiot in the middle of the night, I won't be at your wake. Now just shut up until I get you home.

I pull up and their mom is hanging at the door, waiting. Apparently the cop called mom and told what to expect so she came out and hauled the girls outta the back of the car. I'm sure they'll be sporting some bruises for awhile.

Driver's note: As soon as dude came up swinging I knew there was no way I was going to deal with this fucknut. The reason I'm saying this is I told another driver what happened and he said I should have just let dude out on the street somewhere instead of having him arrested.

I've been in some fairly ugly situations, but I've survived this job so far by not being overly stupid, so I hope none of YOU guys judge me for tracking down the cops so quickly.