Last night was my night for drunken white boy hook ups. Or trying to hook up, I suppose. These things seem to come in waves and last night was just the night for these guys. Here's one (of 3) that tried to get me to "hang out" with them throughout the night:
Got sent to the Gateway MAX (lightrail) station early this morning to pick up a young man that missed his last bus. This is about 2a. I track him down and he hops in the front w/me.
Me: Hey there. How ya doin'?
He: Not so good, ya know?
Me: Missed your last bus didja?
He: How'd you know?
Me: Happens a lot, this time of the night. Where we off to?
He: 136th and SE Powell. How much do you think that's going to be?
Me: Oh, about $15.
He: That much?
Me: That's a high estimate. You'd be happy w/less, right?
He: Yeah. Let me count my money and make sure I have enough.
Me: K. I'll just pull over here while you count.
He: What? You don't trust me. That's cold. Pretty girl like you don't trust someone as good-looking as me. Just a shame.
Me: It's a shame that you think that since you think you're good-looking that will make a difference in whether or not you're trustworthy.
So he pulls out his cash and starts counting. He has a handful. All in twenties near as I can tell. And he thinks he's being cute about it....
He: Uh-oh. I don't know if THIS twenty will be enough. What about THIS one? Or THESE? as he's saying this he's putting them about 3 inches from my face to make sure I get that he has money.
Me: Yeah, I get it. We're going.
He: still looking Oh no. I don't think this HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL will be enough, huh.
Me: Now you're just being an ass. And you're getting less good-looking every time you stick another bill in my face so stop it.
He: All right. All right. Maybe I've had a little too much to drink tonight. But I'm still a good person. And pretty cute too, you have to admit.
Me: You might have been, before all that, not any longer.
He: C'mon now girl. You're way too pretty to be that angry.
Me: Oh, I'm not angry. Disappointed maybe, but not angry. And before you ask, I'm disappointed that once again it's been proven that personality takes away from looks.
He: with a real confused look on his face I don't get it.
Me: It's OK Sweetie and I pat him on the cheek I didn't expect you to. grin
He: responding to the smile Wow. You wanna hang out with me?
Me: Oh wow. Thanks, but no.
He: What? Am I not hot enough for you?
Me: I think we've been through this already. Besides, I don't hang w/people that live in your area.
He: What do you mean?
Me: It's 2a. You've got, conservatively, 2K in your pocket and you live at 136th/Powell. I'm guessing you're a drug dealer.
He: What?? Why?
Me: Aren't you?
He: Why would you say that? I just moved there.
Me: Are you from Portland?
He: Born and raised.
Me: Then you know the area and you moved there anyway. Drug dealer.
He: Wait a minute ... that's ... that's ...
Me: Profilin'. Yup.
He: You can't do that.
Me: Am I wrong?
He: after a few seconds Of course you're wrong.
Me: OK. I apologize. If you aren't anyway.
He: What's your name?
Me: Trixie. Yours?
He: Aaron. Double A. Like the battery. I go all night long. grin grin
Me: You did NOT just compare yourself to a battery. Is that the BEST you can do? At least claim you're a double D so a girl doesn't automatically think you're one of the smaller batteries. C'mon now.
He: My house is near here, just drop me off here. I don't want you to see which house I live in.
Me: just smiling at him K.
He: Are you sure you don't wanna hang out w/me? We could have a good time. You might like me.
Me: Again, thanks. But no. I'm working here.
He: Give me one good, LEGITIMATE reason why you won't go out with me.
Me: Honestly?
He: Of course.
Me: You only tipped me 50 cents.
He: Uh ... but ... all right. Nevermind.
Me: Bye, Junior.
I drive off and get a call about 20 blocks away which turns out to be the same lady I had before w/the 57 nieces and nephews. I get to her house and she comes out, drunk, and says she's going to basically the same area where I just dropped off.
She's chattering away about being a "functioning alcoholic" and how her husband is sending her to buy pot so he can relax. We get to where she's going (thankfully, pretty quickly) and pull up to the house she points out to me.
NEVER guess who answered the door to sell her some pot. :) Yup.
Sometimes, I'm just right. Heh.
4/16/10
You really must learn to form an opinion ...
Saw this while toolin' around t'other morning:
welcome to southeast Portland.
1/19/10
Inasmuch as my fares aren't all that amusing to me any longer ...
Occasionally I still have some sort of smart ass remark to make.
Got sent to the Greek Village to pick up 2 girls and a guy. They were walking to the cab arguing about boobs when I got out and opened the back drivers door to help them in the cab.
Me: Hey there. Ya'll need to get in on this side.
The girls hopped in but the guy walked around to the other side, which was locked.
Girl1: Isn't that just like a guy? Doesn't listen at all.
Me: Yeah. I was thinking about putting a big ol' neon arrow with a sign that says "This is my clit" just to see if they would be able to find that side of the car at all.
The girls were rolling on the floor laughing by the time the guy got around to the driver side. He looked me up and down then:
He: Hey. Wanna make out?
Me: Wow. That's quite an offer there Junior but you obviously can't follow direction what in the world would make me think you would be any good at making out??
The ride only got more interesting from there.
Note: Yes, I'm still here. Just working though, not much else. Things have changed w/the economy and people are much angrier and as I've said before, they aren't amusing me as much as they used to. I'll see what I can come up with though.
Cheers!
Got sent to the Greek Village to pick up 2 girls and a guy. They were walking to the cab arguing about boobs when I got out and opened the back drivers door to help them in the cab.
Me: Hey there. Ya'll need to get in on this side.
The girls hopped in but the guy walked around to the other side, which was locked.
Girl1: Isn't that just like a guy? Doesn't listen at all.
Me: Yeah. I was thinking about putting a big ol' neon arrow with a sign that says "This is my clit" just to see if they would be able to find that side of the car at all.
The girls were rolling on the floor laughing by the time the guy got around to the driver side. He looked me up and down then:
He: Hey. Wanna make out?
Me: Wow. That's quite an offer there Junior but you obviously can't follow direction what in the world would make me think you would be any good at making out??
The ride only got more interesting from there.
Note: Yes, I'm still here. Just working though, not much else. Things have changed w/the economy and people are much angrier and as I've said before, they aren't amusing me as much as they used to. I'll see what I can come up with though.
Cheers!
12/5/09
Gotsta share ...
Following the Civil War, when Duck fans stormed the field...
Girl: I wouldn't want to be caught in that. Crowds like that are so dangerous.
Guy 1: They're Oregonians for chrissake. What are they going to do, drive slowly in the left lane?
Guy 2: Hot box you?
Guy 3: Force you to compost?
- South Waterfront apartment
-- Overheard by Stefan
I got this from here --> http://overheardinpdx.blogspot.com/
Girl: I wouldn't want to be caught in that. Crowds like that are so dangerous.
Guy 1: They're Oregonians for chrissake. What are they going to do, drive slowly in the left lane?
Guy 2: Hot box you?
Guy 3: Force you to compost?
- South Waterfront apartment
-- Overheard by Stefan
I got this from here --> http://overheardinpdx.blogspot.com/
9/17/09
Couldn't decide whether to look or not ...
Sent to pick up a lady at 4 this morning in this nasty area of town, in a nasty apartment complex that if I wasn't forced to go to I wouldn't. She lives off in the corner, upstairs with no lights and it's very, very scary-quiet.
I walk by her next door neighbor's apt, the window is open but no lights on inside and I hear a girl say:
I swear to God if you make me get on my knees and lick that shit up One. More. Time. I am going to kick your ass, I don't care HOW much money you have!!
I was just a little intrigued. heh
I walk by her next door neighbor's apt, the window is open but no lights on inside and I hear a girl say:
I swear to God if you make me get on my knees and lick that shit up One. More. Time. I am going to kick your ass, I don't care HOW much money you have!!
I was just a little intrigued. heh
7/19/09
"Girl, I have 57 nieces and nephews!"
I got sent to pick up an older (47) lady at 2a. She's called 3 times in the 10 minutes it takes me to get there (a message pops up on our computer when the customer calls back, as long as they aren't cancelling, that's a different msg). I'm going to cut this one down because a LOT was said in this 30 minute ride.
She: Girl! Damn am I glad to see you.
Me: Hi. In a hurry are ya?
She: Whatcha mean?
Me: I see that you called back 3X in the last 10 minutes so I figured you were in a hurry. Where we off to?
She: 92nd off Flavel. You know the area?
Me: Yup. Nasty little area this time of the night, sure you want to go there?
She: Yeah. I have to go visit one of my nephews.
Me: Ah. And he's up this time of the night?
She: Of course Girl, he's 34. He's always up this time of the night.
Me: Ah. OK. It was quiet for a few. So, one of your nephews? How many do you have?
She: Girl, I have 57 nieces and nephews!
Me: Seriously? You have like 30 brothers and sisters?
She: Sheeeit Girl. I got 6 brothers and sisters.
Me: Holy shit. Your family is BUSY. How many children do you have?
She: None.
Me: How'd that happen?
She: I just never wanted any. How many you got?
Me: None. Haven't found the right guy, ya know?
She: I know. My nephew is single. He's living with a girl now, but I'm sure he'd be interested in you and he's a proven stud.
Me: Oh wow. Thanks for the hook up, but I don't think so. But just outta curiosity, how "proven"?
She: Girl, he's fine. Females on his ass all the time. He's got 17 kids.
Me: snort Seriously? Guess that's proven all right. Must be a big assed house we're going to visit he's got 17 kids.
She: Ah hail no Girl, none of his kids LIVE with him. Sheeeeit. He got 13 different baby momma's.
I swear I spit Mtn Dew out my nostrils at that one.
Me: What the ... ? Seriously?? What's the child support payments in his household look like? Damn.
She: Lazy bastard don't work. Never has a day in his life. .......
Upshot ... this guy moves from girl to girl, making babies and living off the woman and their welfare until she gets too bothersome or he finds a "better" one and moves on. Has done this his entire adult life. And turns out has a brother a few years younger that has almost as many.
And just to make it a little more entertaining, we were going to the nephews house so she could sell him some of her food stamps because she needed beer money. That's why she was in a hurry, can't buy beer after 2:30a here in Portland.
I weep for our future.
And my sanity.
:o)
She: Girl! Damn am I glad to see you.
Me: Hi. In a hurry are ya?
She: Whatcha mean?
Me: I see that you called back 3X in the last 10 minutes so I figured you were in a hurry. Where we off to?
She: 92nd off Flavel. You know the area?
Me: Yup. Nasty little area this time of the night, sure you want to go there?
She: Yeah. I have to go visit one of my nephews.
Me: Ah. And he's up this time of the night?
She: Of course Girl, he's 34. He's always up this time of the night.
Me: Ah. OK. It was quiet for a few. So, one of your nephews? How many do you have?
She: Girl, I have 57 nieces and nephews!
Me: Seriously? You have like 30 brothers and sisters?
She: Sheeeit Girl. I got 6 brothers and sisters.
Me: Holy shit. Your family is BUSY. How many children do you have?
She: None.
Me: How'd that happen?
She: I just never wanted any. How many you got?
Me: None. Haven't found the right guy, ya know?
She: I know. My nephew is single. He's living with a girl now, but I'm sure he'd be interested in you and he's a proven stud.
Me: Oh wow. Thanks for the hook up, but I don't think so. But just outta curiosity, how "proven"?
She: Girl, he's fine. Females on his ass all the time. He's got 17 kids.
Me: snort Seriously? Guess that's proven all right. Must be a big assed house we're going to visit he's got 17 kids.
She: Ah hail no Girl, none of his kids LIVE with him. Sheeeeit. He got 13 different baby momma's.
I swear I spit Mtn Dew out my nostrils at that one.
Me: What the ... ? Seriously?? What's the child support payments in his household look like? Damn.
She: Lazy bastard don't work. Never has a day in his life. .......
Upshot ... this guy moves from girl to girl, making babies and living off the woman and their welfare until she gets too bothersome or he finds a "better" one and moves on. Has done this his entire adult life. And turns out has a brother a few years younger that has almost as many.
And just to make it a little more entertaining, we were going to the nephews house so she could sell him some of her food stamps because she needed beer money. That's why she was in a hurry, can't buy beer after 2:30a here in Portland.
I weep for our future.
And my sanity.
:o)
6/21/09
Phone conversation with another driver ...
... male, Ethiopian, amusing and easily understood (!).
blah blah blah ...
He: Yeah. That's one of the reasons why I prefer American women to African.
Me: Hm. What is? Exactly.
He: African women talk to each other about men too much.
Me: You mean gossip? We all do that, it's a human thing, not just man/woman.
He: Yeah, but African women get more detailed. Once you sleep with one woman and she finds out you have a small dick then she tells every other woman in the country and you never have sex again.
Me: admirably suppressing my laughter Hunh. And you're thinking white women aren't like that? Maybe we just don't have as large a group of friends as the ladies in Africa.
He: Maybe. I don't think so.
blah blah blah
He: So are you EVER going to go out with me?
Me: Not now that I've found out you have a small dick, no.
heh
blah blah blah ...
He: Yeah. That's one of the reasons why I prefer American women to African.
Me: Hm. What is? Exactly.
He: African women talk to each other about men too much.
Me: You mean gossip? We all do that, it's a human thing, not just man/woman.
He: Yeah, but African women get more detailed. Once you sleep with one woman and she finds out you have a small dick then she tells every other woman in the country and you never have sex again.
Me: admirably suppressing my laughter Hunh. And you're thinking white women aren't like that? Maybe we just don't have as large a group of friends as the ladies in Africa.
He: Maybe. I don't think so.
blah blah blah
He: So are you EVER going to go out with me?
Me: Not now that I've found out you have a small dick, no.
heh
6/13/09
text msg conversation with a customer ...
fade in: I picked up these 2 young fellas from Tigard and took them to Sherwood, in the cab for about 15 minutes. They were pretty quiet so I was telling 'em some cab stories. Between the 2 of them they said - maybe - 30 words the whole ride. This was about 1am Friday night.
2:51am
Little Boy: Hey
Me: Hey yourself.
3:53am
LB: How is it going
Me: Do you realize who you are texting?
LB: Yeah
Me: Hunh. Looking for more cab stories?
LB: I want some story about you
Me: Little boy I am old enough to turn you over my knee and spank your narrow ass.
LB: Yeah would you like that
Me: You might want to stop this now.
LB: Yeah right lol
Me: Seriously. I'm old enough to be your mommy.
LB: How old i like them old
Me: Too old. Isn't it past your bedtime little boy?
LB: I'm not a kid 21 so what up
I picked up a customer so couldn't respond right away ...
LB: You dont want it then
Me: As appealing as you make IT sound, no. Thank you.
LB: What
LB: Ill make it worth it baby
Me: Hm. So now I'm Baby huh? Doll, this stuff doesn't work on me. Go find a cute young girl to play with.
LB: Why not you
Me: I think sublety isn't working. Thanks for the enticing offer, but no.
LB: Ok
I thought that would be the end of it but nooooOOOOOoooo ... next night, 12:35am
LB: Hey sexy
Me: Oh Lord. You couldn't find anyone else to play with?
LB: No i want to play with you
Me: C'mon now, why me?
LB: Cause i like old gales (sic) and i want you
Me: Trust me, you don't want me.
LB: So what do you think
Me: I think not.
LB: Ok peace i just wanted a peace of ass anyways
Me: I assumed. Good luck with that little boy.
It's been a whole week now, no new messages. I think I've been rejected. ;o)
2:51am
Little Boy: Hey
Me: Hey yourself.
3:53am
LB: How is it going
Me: Do you realize who you are texting?
LB: Yeah
Me: Hunh. Looking for more cab stories?
LB: I want some story about you
Me: Little boy I am old enough to turn you over my knee and spank your narrow ass.
LB: Yeah would you like that
Me: You might want to stop this now.
LB: Yeah right lol
Me: Seriously. I'm old enough to be your mommy.
LB: How old i like them old
Me: Too old. Isn't it past your bedtime little boy?
LB: I'm not a kid 21 so what up
I picked up a customer so couldn't respond right away ...
LB: You dont want it then
Me: As appealing as you make IT sound, no. Thank you.
LB: What
LB: Ill make it worth it baby
Me: Hm. So now I'm Baby huh? Doll, this stuff doesn't work on me. Go find a cute young girl to play with.
LB: Why not you
Me: I think sublety isn't working. Thanks for the enticing offer, but no.
LB: Ok
I thought that would be the end of it but nooooOOOOOoooo ... next night, 12:35am
LB: Hey sexy
Me: Oh Lord. You couldn't find anyone else to play with?
LB: No i want to play with you
Me: C'mon now, why me?
LB: Cause i like old gales (sic) and i want you
Me: Trust me, you don't want me.
LB: So what do you think
Me: I think not.
LB: Ok peace i just wanted a peace of ass anyways
Me: I assumed. Good luck with that little boy.
It's been a whole week now, no new messages. I think I've been rejected. ;o)
5/9/09
Not a story, but funny stuff for you ...
I'll be back to story-ing soon ... just quit my 2nd job and am now just driving again. While I build up some stories ya'll should check out these sights. ;o)
1) http://textsfromlastnight.com - what it sounds like, people send in their texts from last night. Who can argue with stuff like this:
(918): Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
(515): I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
or this:
(310): im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
2) http://oicollege.com - Only In College, The stories you'll never tell your parents.
3) http://www.superdickery.com/ - some dude takes covers or frames from old comics and makes comments.
Enjoy. Be back soon ...
1) http://textsfromlastnight.com - what it sounds like, people send in their texts from last night. Who can argue with stuff like this:
(918): Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
(515): I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
or this:
(310): im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
2) http://oicollege.com - Only In College, The stories you'll never tell your parents.
3) http://www.superdickery.com/ - some dude takes covers or frames from old comics and makes comments.
Enjoy. Be back soon ...
3/7/09
Ya know how you have the perfect response if some wild situation EVER comes up ... ?
Well, it happened!!
Sitting in the office one night, twiddling my thumbs (playing Pinball on the 'puter as we don't have 'net access) when I get a call.
Me: Trixie Cab, this is Trixie.
He: Hey Trixie, this is Habib. (NOT his real name)
Me: Hey Habib. What's shakin'?
He: I'm locked in my car.
Me: Yeah, right. What's really going on?
He: No. I'm serious. I'm locked in my car.
Me: thinking this guy has never really joked with me before so he might be serious Um, your cab?
He: No personal car.
Me: ... Seriously?
He: I'm not kidding you.
Me: Dude ... you're locked IN your car??
He: As silly as that sounds, yes.
Me: Well hell. Is the top down?? this is the one I've had stored up for years, I'm sure you've all heard various blonde jokes about this situation.
He: Um ... what?
Me: Sorry, American humor, you wouldn't get it. So, where you at?
He: In the parking lot.
Me: What kinda car you got? he told me And what is it you're expecting me to do? I'm guessing your keys are in there with you, yes?
He: Yeah.
Me: Can you roll the windows down? I couldn't help it ... this was some funny shit!!
He: Come on now Trixie, I have no power to my car. The doors are locked, no windows, etc. Can you come out here, please?
Me: Sure, but what do you want me to do ... break a window?
He: NO! I have a set of spare keys in the cab, it's still running in front of where I'm parked. Just come get them and let me out.
Me: Hunh. All right. Be right there.
As I was walking out there he came running up, apparently the back door was unlocked so he crawled through the seats to get out.
This amused the bejesus outta me.
Sitting in the office one night, twiddling my thumbs (playing Pinball on the 'puter as we don't have 'net access) when I get a call.
Me: Trixie Cab, this is Trixie.
He: Hey Trixie, this is Habib. (NOT his real name)
Me: Hey Habib. What's shakin'?
He: I'm locked in my car.
Me: Yeah, right. What's really going on?
He: No. I'm serious. I'm locked in my car.
Me: thinking this guy has never really joked with me before so he might be serious Um, your cab?
He: No personal car.
Me: ... Seriously?
He: I'm not kidding you.
Me: Dude ... you're locked IN your car??
He: As silly as that sounds, yes.
Me: Well hell. Is the top down?? this is the one I've had stored up for years, I'm sure you've all heard various blonde jokes about this situation.
He: Um ... what?
Me: Sorry, American humor, you wouldn't get it. So, where you at?
He: In the parking lot.
Me: What kinda car you got? he told me And what is it you're expecting me to do? I'm guessing your keys are in there with you, yes?
He: Yeah.
Me: Can you roll the windows down? I couldn't help it ... this was some funny shit!!
He: Come on now Trixie, I have no power to my car. The doors are locked, no windows, etc. Can you come out here, please?
Me: Sure, but what do you want me to do ... break a window?
He: NO! I have a set of spare keys in the cab, it's still running in front of where I'm parked. Just come get them and let me out.
Me: Hunh. All right. Be right there.
As I was walking out there he came running up, apparently the back door was unlocked so he crawled through the seats to get out.
This amused the bejesus outta me.
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