"Girl, I have 57 nieces and nephews!"

I got sent to pick up an older (47) lady at 2a. She's called 3 times in the 10 minutes it takes me to get there (a message pops up on our computer when the customer calls back, as long as they aren't cancelling, that's a different msg). I'm going to cut this one down because a LOT was said in this 30 minute ride.

She: Girl! Damn am I glad to see you.

Me: Hi. In a hurry are ya?

She: Whatcha mean?

Me: I see that you called back 3X in the last 10 minutes so I figured you were in a hurry. Where we off to?

She: 92nd off Flavel. You know the area?

Me: Yup. Nasty little area this time of the night, sure you want to go there?

She: Yeah. I have to go visit one of my nephews.

Me: Ah. And he's up this time of the night?

She: Of course Girl, he's 34. He's always up this time of the night.

Me: Ah. OK. It was quiet for a few. So, one of your nephews? How many do you have?

She: Girl, I have 57 nieces and nephews!

Me: Seriously? You have like 30 brothers and sisters?

She: Sheeeit Girl. I got 6 brothers and sisters.

Me: Holy shit. Your family is BUSY. How many children do you have?

She: None.

Me: How'd that happen?

She: I just never wanted any. How many you got?

Me: None. Haven't found the right guy, ya know?

She: I know. My nephew is single. He's living with a girl now, but I'm sure he'd be interested in you and he's a proven stud.

Me: Oh wow. Thanks for the hook up, but I don't think so. But just outta curiosity, how "proven"?

She: Girl, he's fine. Females on his ass all the time. He's got 17 kids.

Me: snort Seriously? Guess that's proven all right. Must be a big assed house we're going to visit he's got 17 kids.

She: Ah hail no Girl, none of his kids LIVE with him. Sheeeeit. He got 13 different baby momma's.

I swear I spit Mtn Dew out my nostrils at that one.

Me: What the ... ? Seriously?? What's the child support payments in his household look like? Damn.

She: Lazy bastard don't work. Never has a day in his life. .......

Upshot ... this guy moves from girl to girl, making babies and living off the woman and their welfare until she gets too bothersome or he finds a "better" one and moves on. Has done this his entire adult life. And turns out has a brother a few years younger that has almost as many.

And just to make it a little more entertaining, we were going to the nephews house so she could sell him some of her food stamps because she needed beer money. That's why she was in a hurry, can't buy beer after 2:30a here in Portland.

I weep for our future.

And my sanity.

:o)