"Hey, have a ham sandwich."

I got sent to pick up a bartender from a bar down on lower McLaughlin earlier this week, about 3:30a. She was pretty amusing in a white trash/tweaker kind of way, and not going very far so it was a quick ride. We pulled up to her apartment complex:

Me: Which entrance?

She: The 2nd one, pull up next to the mail boxes.

Me: Driving in the entrance You mean the mail boxes there where the 1/2 naked guy is standing? There was a youngish white dude standing there wearing nothing but some camo cargo pants and a baseball cap, sideways. Eating a sandwich.

She: That's my 1/2 naked guy.

Me: Ah. Well ... isn't that sweet of him to stand out here and wait for you at this time of the morning.

She: Yeah, he worries about me.

While she's paying me he opens the front door of the cab and reaches in to me.

He: Hey, have a ham sandwich. He reaches in and tries to hand me a sandwich. Nothing but ham and *dripping* with mayonnaise. I HATE mayo. Not a big fan of ham either.

Me: Oh wow, um ... thanks, but no.

He: It's really good, I just made it.

Me: Really, thanks but I just ate.

She: He isn't going to stop until you take it.

He: Really, take the sandwich. It's left over from the holidays.

Me: Um ... New Years?

He: No, Christmas. I froze it. Let me get another sandwich for you. It's here on the mailbox. He steps back from the car and walks to the mailbox.

Me: To her, quietly I HATE mayonnaise, and ham. Really, tell him it's nothing personal, but I don't want his sandwich.

She: Just as quietly I have a hard time making him stop when he gets like this. Just take it. Even if you have to throw it out when you drive off. He'll get mad if you don't take it. Then I just have to deal with him all night. She hands me another $5.

I just kinda look at her for a sec ... he walks back to the car and reaches in with the other sandwich. Even MORE mayo. Eeeeewwwwwww. (I truly have this unnatural revulsion to mayo. But that's a rant for another time.)

Me: Looking at her, she's urging me to take it All right, wow, thanks. And I take it from him.

She gets out of the cab and closes the door. I look at him and ask him to close the door so I could leave.

He: You should eat that right away. It's still partially froze and I think the mayo is right on the edge.

Me: Oh wow, um thanks. I will. I gotta get back to work now. Lots to do.

He: Take a bite, let me know how it is.

Me: Dude, look, I was just trying to be polite, but I'm not going to eat your sandwich. Your girl begged me because she said you were going to get angry if I didn't take it, but honestly, I just don't like ham and I hate mayo. Why don't you just take this thing back and we'll both go about our business. K? And here, here's the 5 bucks she gave me to take it.

He eyeballs me for a minute, then slammed my car door, grabbed her by the arm and waltzed her toward their apartment.

I drove up to their garbage and dumped the sandwich. Eesh.

TUA: By the way ... today's my birthday, I'm officially old. Gawd. <--- My not so subtle hint for ya'll to tell me HB!! ;o)