A Contest!!!

I don't know why I thought of this, but it sounds amusing to me. :o) And I know that I have always tried to keep this to cab stories only, but hey, it beats a meme right?! heh I hope ya'll will indulge me a little here.

I saw this while driving down the road tonight.

I would like you all to tell me, by responding in the comments of this post, what instrument you would like the good Lord to make you as an "instrument of his peace", why this instrument suits you, and how being this "instrument of peace" can help our world.

Now for the contest part:

I will leave this post up until Friday the 27th for comments. The comment that I find most amusing will be the winner!! Of what is yet to be determined, but it will be something cool - at least that I consider cool (HEY! It's MY contest dammit!). And it will be made by me. Drawn. Sculpted. Or any other form of hand made I choose.

C'mon now everyone ... it COULD be fun. Maybe. If you all play along. :o)

Now for my answer: I think the good lord should make me into a set of bagpipes because:

a) I'm sort of saggy like bagpipes.

b) When I wake up my hair is sorta all over the place like said pipes.

c) If you squeeze me the wrong way I make some really weird noises (and sometimes even if you squeeze me the right way)

d) I tend to "perk up" if you blow on (or into) me.

e) I think Castro would've given over sooner if they would have played the 'pipes instead of the Spice Girls. Althoooo, maybe not.

I think I could help this world by being bagpipes because we can always use a few more Scottish folk here. World dominion could be had at the feet of bagpipes. Or - at the very least - a good funeral dirge.

Technically not a cab story ...

But funny (to me) nonetheless.

I was in the parking lot of my apt complex heading off to work w/my bf when this little puppy comes running up to me with her leash still attached. I've petted her many times, she belongs to an older lady that lives here that basically just walks around and talks to everyone, including the dog. The dog is a blond pomeranian. The lady is VERY talkative, if ya know the type.

Anyway, I stood there for a moment and she came wandering around the side of the bldg to fetch her dog. We stood there and talked for a sec and I noticed the dog has what looks to be ... bruises around her eyes so I asked about it.

She: Oh, she has make up on.

Me: blink Uhhhm ... Oh.

She: She asks for it. I just stared at her for a second. No really. Every time I put on my make up she jumps up on my lap and closes her eyes. She likes it.

Me: Ah. Ok. Well, I gotta go to work. etc.

I get in my truck and bf just started laughing. I'm still in shock. OK. Well, off to work.

We get to base and while we're there getting ready to work one of the few other women cabbies we have (day driver, I'm the only one that works nights) comes walking out of the office wearing high heels and a skirt.

Me: to bf Is THAT what I'm supposed to dress like driving a cab?

Bf: Wow. Apparently they have a different dress code on days.

Me: Pssht. I'll never make it ... hell, the DOG wears more make up than I do.

"Are there any adult shops near here?"

I got sent to the Embassy Stes. Hotel near the airport to pick up a couple on a very slow Tuesday evening (this was back when the snow storms were hitting the midwest really hard, their flight was cancelled). A very young couple. As in barely legal young. But kind of fun kids.

They wanna go to the closest adult shop to the 'port. I end up taking them to 'Frolics' - a cheesey little place on NE Sandy, pretty close, that has nekkid girls and an adult book/toy store attached. They asked me to wait on them as they wouldn't be long.

I only sat for about 5 minutes when they came back out w/a bag of goodies and big smiles on their faces. Turns out that they were travelling w/his parents as chaperones as both sets of parents didn't think they should be alone together while travelling. When their flight was cancelled the airline put the entire plane load of folks up in the nearest hotels (there were many flights cnx'd that night, all the hotels were booked).

The mom got the room w/the girl, and dad got the boy. They were text msging each other until both the folks had fallen asleep and they snuck out to meet in the lobby and had the hotel call them a cab. They had to hurry as they were concerned whether or not the folks would wake and find them gone. They were awful cute though.

He: I hope they don't wake up. I will be in SO much trouble. Did you SEE those girls?! They were NAKED.

She: I can't believe that girl smiled at me. I wonder if she thought I was cute. Maybe she was a whispering lesbian! I've never seen one of those.

Me: Oh, they run wild in the streets in Portland. they both look at me with big, round eyes. Not kidding. They're all over the place. And they aren't the only ones. We have big ol' groups of ... at this point they're both leaning forward with their mouths hanging open waiting on my next words. I gotta keep from laughing. They're so cute. :o) But even I can't completely corrupt the 'innocent' ... SaaaAAAaaayy ... ya'll buy some fun stuff at that place?

They both nod their heads and start telling me about the vibrator and flavored lubes and whatnot.

Me: Just outta curiosity, I take it you can't show that stuff to your folks right? Nods of both heads. Then what do ya'll plan on doing when they xray your bags at the security gate?

They both just sat there for a sec ... obviously not having gotten to this point yet. They just started whispering to each other.

He: Ummm... do you think they'll take it back?

Me: Ya know, I've never considered the return policy on sex toys but I doubt it's very lax. They both just kinda look at me. I don't think so. AH! They got it. More whispering. Getting a little louder. I'm just sitting up there practically biting a hole in my lip to keep from laughing. They're talking about how they're supposed to prove what all they've spent their money on to his folks.

Me: I tell ya what ... how about I just buy the stuff from you and that way you won't get in trouble. You don't get to USE the stuff, but at least you won't get in trouble. That work for you two?

Their fare was about $20 total, I handed them another $10 and we were even. He put the bag o' stuff on the front seat as they got out.

He: Thanks so much. Really. You're cool.

Me: You're welcome. Anything I can do to keep the youth of America from getting in trouble, I'm there.

The girl, as they were talking to me thru the front pass. side window was eyeballing the bag with some serious regrets. That boy's gonna be in for some trouble. :o)

A coupla shorts ...

1) I got my Vertigo Lady again a few nights ago, this time going from the hospital to her home. Apparently she has hooked up with Med Transport now. They won't allow her to go the 'long way' home so she HAS to take a bridge. We took the Broadway since she convinced them she couldn't do the Fremont (altho, the Bdwy is closer anyway). The whole time across she was making these little whiny, puppy dog noises. When we made it across I asked her if she was all right.

She: I'm fine honey. Thank you for asking. You're a good soul. You must be a Christian, I felt God was looking out for us. I'm wondering if I can request you every time I need to go to/from the hospital.

Me: Aw, thank you. But no, you cannot request me. We aren't allowed to 'personalize' account calls. And as far as God looking out for us, and me being a Christian, I gotta tell ya, I'm a heathen. I've seen too much ugly, I don't believe there is a God. I'm sure he was looking out for you though, 'cuz otherwise I'm sure he'da just let me drive right off the bridge. :o)

She was pretty quiet for a few moments.

She: Well honey, I believe that God believes in you. And he can't be someplace where there isn't a good heart. He's there honey, and he's looking out for you. I'll pray for you when I get home.

Me: Well, I certainly appreciate that. I need all the help I can get.


2) Last Sat night I had to pick up a fella in Gresham (Way outer SE) and take him up to La Center, WA to the closest casino. (It's only 16 miles N of W Ptld, we get a lotta runs up there.) It costs about $70 on the meter to get him there and he gives me an even $100. We chat on the way up about all kinds of things. (he's drunk, and I'm fairly verbose) One of those things being how he's going to get back to Ptld. When we get there he does a very small amount of talking and convinces me that I should go in the casino for just a few minutes. If I'm still around he'll have me take him home.

I turned his hundred into almost 400 playing 21. He's a poker player. He wasn't ready to go by the time I was so I left him there. Profitable night.

3) I picked up these 3 younger kids from inner SE and take them downtown to PSU. All middle eastern of some sort, 2 boys, 1 girl. 1 of the young fellas is obviously the ringleader, the other fella apparently speaks no English as all, and the girl apparently doesn't speak their language as the ringleader is chatting away at both of them in the appropriate languages.

RL and the other guy are yukkin' it up about something when he turns to the girl and says in English "Habib (I didn't catch his name) wants to know whether you are going to pull your skirt up all the way or just take it off. Why are you showing that much thigh in public anyway? Do you want everyone to think you're easy? What would your father have to say about this? I think I might have to tell him. You know I took pictures earlier."

She just sat back there and cried.

Man, different cultures I guess.

Thank you ALL.

For letting me vent.

I have always tried to keep this blog fairly factual - not too much in the way of "emotions" from my end, and for the most part, I usually try to keep the things that I feel ya'll don't want to read out of my blog. Being a woman cab driver I get a lot of shit. A LOT. And I'm sure ya'll have figured out that a high percentage of what happens in my cab is brought on by my own personality and/or comments, but I like to think that most of what I pop off about is *harmless*. For the most part I get to cruise thru my job dealing with the drunks and the other assorted idiots, felons, hookers and the nice, 'normal' people without having any of it really affect - or involve - me. But occasionally real life does intrude. As long as I can continue to feel that the ratio of nicer to scary people is in my favor I will keep doing this. Hopefully I can help out a few people on the way.

In my cab I have to be - while not necessarily emotionless - not vulnerable. It's a tough line to tow as 99% of the people in my car are complete strangers, but I love doing this job. Look at all the fun stories I have here. :o) And while I'm not a charitable person, I do believe in doing what you can to help out others, if I feel they're being sincere. Sadly, the longer I do this, the harder it is to get past my bullshit meter. I calls 'em like I sees 'em.

So there we have more than ya'll EVER wanted to know about being a cab driver. :o) I truly appreciate the nice things ya'll said, just keep in mind, I'm not *that* nice. heh.

Back to our regularly scheduled program soon ... Gawd bless TiVo and The Braves!!! (just for you Kev!)

And here we have the uglier side of cab driving ...

Sorry folks, but I need to vent.

I got sent to outer S.E. Ptld to pick up two very young, very scared, very pregnant 15 year old twins (Yup. You read that right.) from their home and take them to the nearest, cheapest hotel. I have to sit there and listen to the at least 50 year old "father" of both girls babies tell them that they need to do whatever it is they have to do but they can no longer come home. Their mother was coming home in the morning and he needed them out.

He told them he was going to tell their mother that they never came up from "down south" like they were supposed to but he couldn't reach her. (I don't know where she had been for the last 8 mths or so) He then had to explain to them, very explicitly what was going to happen to them if they tried to reach their mother at all. "And you know she won't believe you two anyway. She loves me. I'm the best thing she's ever had and there's no way she'll believe you over me. Especially not after I get her on the shit again." And on and on in that vein. "Go get some damned welfare, that's what they do with pregnant little whores like you." Etc.

He hands them some cash "... and this is all you'll EVER get from me." As we're getting them and their 2 pitiful little bags of clothing in the car he pulls one of them aside and whispers "Remember what happened to you 2 last week? It'll be a whole lot worse if you decide to try and talk to me or your mother again. And next time it won't be just me and Tom."

So we drive off. They're both bawling. Turns out they don't have enough for cab fare and a room for the night so I wave off the cab fare, take them to McD's and buy them some breakfast (it's abt. 4:30a) and take them to a hotel. I tell them I'll wait to make sure nothing happens, that they get in the room all right and all. I had to give them a little more money to make the room charge then carry their bags into the room. I wish them both luck, gave them all the extra cash I had on me (less than a hundred, but it was all I had) and then closed the door. I left them both sitting on one bed, holding on to each other and bawling. I could hear them thru the door.

I drive off and backed my car into a spot where I can see the room to their door and I called the police. I waited until they got there, told them what I heard and saw. Where the girls were and the address where I picked them up. Described the piece of shit that was there. Everything I knew. After they got the info they needed from me I went home and cried for a few hours. Then went back out to make up the money I gave away.

God. I hate. Sometimes, very rarely, I just ... hate.

Nuttin' too exciting ...

But I got kicked outta a bar t'other night when I went in to pick someone up because I was wearing my hat backwards. Dude didn't get picked up, go figure.

And on a completely unrelated note ... IT'S BASEBALL SEASON!!!!! WHOOOT!!!!!!!!!

GO BRAVES!!!!!!!!!!!

"I FUCKING HATE MY FUCKING LIFE!!!"

I got sent to the Sunset Transit Mall 'round about 3:30a last night. I get there, Dude standing there waves me down and gets in the cab.

Dude: Thanks for finally picking me up. I think.

Me: Um. Hi yourself. "You think" ?? Been waiting a while I take it?

Dude: Yeah. Only 2 and a half fucking hours. I can't believe your company is so fucking slow.

Me: Well, it IS Friday night. And the p.d. has 26 shut down in both directions because of a car fire. It wasn't exactly easy to get to you here bypassing the freeway. But here I am, so where we off to?

Dude: I still can't believe it took so fucking long. Shit.

Me: Hey, you are more than welcome to wait for the next cab to come along if you like.

Dude: ...

Me: No? OK then. Where are we off to?

So he tells me. We get started going down Barnes. He says he can give me directions to bypass the freeway. Dude starts crying.

Dude: My life is so fucking over. I might as well just kill myself now.

Me: Well, don't do it in my car. At least wait until we pull over.

Dude: without any prompting from me I got my 3rd DUI about 9 mths ago. My wife almost left me. I've been trying to stay sober. I hate my life. My wife is a nutjob bitch. My parents expect me to finish everything. At least I don't have fucking kids. I got frustrated today and went out drinking again. I fucking HATE my life. I wish someone would just kill me fucking now. I got arrested today. I got the ticket somewhere. I don't even remember what for. I can't find the ticket now. I have to call my atty and have her figure it out. I think it was some sort of probation violation. What am I going to do?

Me: Whoa.

Dude: Yeah. What do I do huh? Really. What do I do?

Me: Well, if you want my opinion, quit drinking.

Dude: Oh yeah, it's so fucking easy for you fucking people. Just "quit drinking". You think I haven't fucking tried that.

Me: Apparently you haven't tried hard enough. Find some other way to take out your 'frustrations' than drinking. If you get a probation violation, don't they just throw your ass in jail?

Dude: Oh yeah. I'm going to jail. My fucking wife is going to leave me. My fucking parents are just going to give me more dirty looks. Everyone at work is going to look at me like I'm a piece of shit. I just need to die right now. Just fucking kill me.

Me: Look. I'm not going to kill you. And if your life is so effin' miserable that you have to cry to a complete stranger about it then walk away and quitcher bitchin'.

Dude: I can't walk away. I FUCKING HATE MY FUCKING LIFE!!! Don't you get it?

Me: Dude, you're yelling. I get it. Calm down for crissakes. Or at the least, quiet down. Which way do I go from here?

Dude gives me directions for the next 4 or 5 minutes and all is ... calm.

Dude: Turn right at the next light.

Me: Right into the mall or right at the light after that.

Dude: Just do what you fucking need to all right?

Me: All right. I pull over right there. On the side of the road, nowhere near a light. I guess this is about as far as you go.

Dude: That's just fucking fine. I don't fucking care anymore. I am going to go kill myself. Right now. He gets out his money, and actually tips me.

Me: Hey, if you're going to go kill yourself, you might as well just give me the rest of your money. It's not like you're going to need it. grin

He just slammed the door in my face. Go figure.

"Oh my Gawd! I have fake nails! What am I going to do?"

First run of the night last night: I get these 3 women in The Pearl coming from their "spa day" (which, by itself is enough to make me consider not picking them up). These women are beautiful. About 30ish, all blonde, skinny, married w/kids and religious. I tried really hard to dislike them, but they were so sweet they even turned my cold, cynical heart around. (Whoda thunk?!)

I get them on their way and we're tooling along, 1 in front, 2 in back and I'm not really listening to their chatting as they aren't talking to me but my ears perk up when I hear them talking about demons. Turns out, the one in back, right thinks she's been possessed by a demon. And she's serious. Apparently she rec'd a book from a guy she knew way back in the day, a book of poetry and read it and now she thinks that she has been "taken over" by some sort of demon.

Authors note: This woman is dead-on serious.

So they have a spa day every 3 months while the hubby's watch the kids, tonight what they're doing is burning this book, with sage, to try and drive away the demon, in the fireplace of one of their homes.

Well, I just CAN'T let this one go by.

Me: Don't you have to be able to stand around the firepit, you know, surround the evil forces with good so they have no place to go but up and out?

DemonGirl: Oh yeah. I hadn't thought about that. Um, I know! Let's get use the firepit on your back porch!

Lady in Front: OK. and she's kinda looking at me like I'm a little nuts myself.

DG: Yeah. Yeah. Good idea! What else?

Me: Well, if you're the one that thinks you're being possessed I think you need to put in some clippings. You know, hair or nail clippings. That type of thing. At least that's what they used on Friends.

LinF: Oh yeah. I saw that episode.

DG: Oh My Gawd, I have fake nails! What am I going to do?? Can I use one of my tips? I can't cut my hair my husband will notice and ... oh NOOO!!

Her friends kinda calm her down and we all come to the conclusion that she needs to just pull some of her hair outta her brush and she'll be fine. The lady up front starts making jokes about heads spinning and whatnot a la The Exorcist.

Me: Oooooh yeah, make sure you have the phone number of an after hours priest handy. Ya never know when you're going to need a man of God to clear the path for you.

That one sets her off again. She doesn't know any priests on call, etc.

Gawd. This was getting fun!! ( I am SO going straight to hell!!!)

So as we get closer to her home she starts talking about getting the book and walking over to their home.

Me: Are you sure you should walk alone? We could wait for you.

LinF: She only lives 2 houses away from me.

Me: Ah. She should be safe then.

DG: CAN you wait for me? I don't think I should walk alone. You'll wait right?! Please?!

Me: Sure we can wait.

So we get to her house, she goes in the house to get the book.

Me: to LinF So, she's serious huh?

LinF: Oh yes. She's been going on about this for about 2 mths now.

Me: Let me take a stab in the dark here: She's been having 'feelings' for this old guy again, thinking about him a lot and that's why she thinks she's been possessed, right?

LinF: Nail on the head girl.

Me: Wow. Well, it's awful nice of you ladies to indulge her like this.

LinF: We're just tired of hearing about it.

The heretofore quiet lady in the back asks me for my cell phone number. They want to be able to call me again when they need a ride. Apparently I wasn't the only one (at least for this ride) that thought I was amusing.

Right then DemonGirl comes back and gets in the car. I ask her if she got her brush as well as her book. We wait again while she goes back in to get the brush. We drive the 2 house distance (granted, these are some biiiig homes) and they get out.

Me: Good luck with your exorcism. I hope I don't read about you in tomorrow's papers.

DG: Yes, thank you! Think good thoughts for me. You're a strong woman, I think if I have you on my side I can defeat any demon. Thank you!

I just drive off, shaking my head. You just never know anymore.


Not too long after this I get a group of college kids going from one side of town to the other and I was telling them about this woman. We were all laughing and having a good time. Then one of the girls piped up and said that her dad was a licensed exorcist. He'd gone to seminary school and had apparently taken the classes. They were all kinda quiet for a moment.

Me: So, did he do that because you were born?

She: Oh no. He did it long before I came along.

Me: Ah. I thought maybe he did it because you were coming along, ya know?! grin

None of them got it.

No one asked for my phone number on that ride. heh

And on a more serious note ...

I dropped off the coolest couple I've ever had in my cab at the 'port this a.m., they were on their way to Mexico for vacation (HI!!!) and I got sent to the Holiday Inn just off Airport Way. An incredibly short run, but as we all know, sometimes tips can make up for the lack of distance. But apparently, not in this case. :o( On the screen where it gives us the pertinent info it says "No tipping allowed". Kid you not. What fun is there in that for me? None. Except I'm in a pretty damned good mood due to the other couple so I just shrug and drive on. Luck of the draw in our biz.

So I get to the hotel and there's a security guard from the hotel escorting these 4 young men (they're all 18-20) to my cab. He fills out the account slip, gives me directions to the airport (as if I'm not a driving a cab :o) and tells me to make sure the fellas make it into the 'port ok.

Me: Um. So, you want lil ol' me to forcibly insure that these 4 strapping young men make it to their plane eh? What if I hurt one of 'em. they were all big boys, fyi.

He: Ummm. Well, just go straight there. K?

Me: Oh sure, it's only 5a and the strip joints don't open until 7a anyway.

He just kinda looked at me like I was an idiot and the guys in the back were snickering.

We took off. It was a really quiet ride. None of them saying much at all. I tried to start a conversation but no luck. So I just pretty much rattled off some one liners til we almost got to the 'port. It's a quick ride - 5 minutes. As we're sitting at the light at 82nd/Airport Way I just gotta say something.

Me: So... you fellas quiet 'cuz it's so early in the morning or you scared of women drivers?

They all kinda snickered but didn't say anything. We get to the port and I get out and pop the trunk for the fellas to get their stuff. As I'm walking to the trunk I try one more time.

Me: All right. You fellas are officially the quietest ride I've ever had in my car. You'd almost think you fellas were off to the war or something like that.

They just sorta smile at me. I open the trunk and look at the luggage; they're all carrying tiny little Army backpacks. I just kinda looked at 'em.

Me: Um. I guess you ARE off to war hey? I'm sorry fellas, don't mean to make fun.

They smile for me but you can tell they're not too excited, and have, I would imagine, quite a bit on their minds.

As each one grabs their packs I shake each and every one of their hands.

Me: Thank you guys. Really. For being brave enough to go and protect our country. They all shake my hand but look at me kinda funny. Trust me fellas, you aren't going to get enough people telling you thank you. No matter how many times it's said. Take care.

They just kinda shook their heads and walked off into the 'port. I sincerely hope some day they don't have occasion to remember this.