TequilaCon!!!

Oh my gawd what fun this was!! It was great to get to meet the people behind the blogs and watch their minds work. Even the drunken one's. :o)

Everyone meshed and just had a great time. No one made a comPLETE ass of themselves. There are photos running around the Blogosphere of the debauchery.

Jenny did an incredible job putting all this together for us. I didn't get to say goodbye to you Jen, but Thank You.

I got to meet one of my heroes ... Dave! I love his blog, and now I love him too! He is just like his blog makes him out to be: down to earth, easy to talk to and funny as hell. And to be loved more than Cinnamon Crest (which I'm hoping is only one step lower than chocolate pudding) makes my tummy all tingly. Write your book Dave.

Hilly: I SO wished we lived closer together. You are someone I would totally drive into hell in my cab to pull you outta. (after rockin' ole Lucifer down a bit first!)

I spoke with The Chad for a bit - he's not near as angry in person. He's fun in a quiet, devious sorta way.

I wish I coulda spent more time talkin' with Karl. But between getting locked outta his room in his boxers and then giving them to the screaming hoardes of drunken bachelorettes there just wasn't enough time.

All in all, an incredible experience. Rumor has it the next one is Toronto. I'm there.

I just have one more thing to say to everyone that talked to me about my stories: Thank You! I'm humbled to know that you actually like these meanderings of mine. I don't write them to be funny, just as it actually happens. I am so glad I got to meet you ALL!!

Stupid Girl

I picked up this good lookin' wench and these 3 fellas. She got back middle. As we're driving along she's spouting out orders to her puppies ... 'and when we get to my place I want one of you to take out the garbage' ' I need someone to give me some money to pay my house payment too. You can work that out between you boys.' That kinda shit.

I'm just driving along laughing with my inside voice and thinking very hard about how happy it would make me to smack this smug bitch. Apparently she saw me smirking in the mirror.

She: Is that your real hair?

Me: Are you talking to me?

She: Of course I am. You heard me didn't you?

Me: I also heard you giving orders to the fellas and I KNEW you weren't talking to me. And yes, it is.

She: I don't believe you. If you take that hat off the hair comes out with it. Right?

I just ignored that dumb ass comment. Not good enough for her.

She: Well I can just take this ... and as she's saying this she's reaching up to grab my hat and/or hair.

Me: Just to let you know, if you're going to pull on my hair, there had better be a happy ending in it.

She just looked at me dumbly.

Me: And I mean for ME. Not you.

Still got that drunk, blank, I'm-trying-to-process-what-you-just-said look.

Me: Still wanna touch it?

All three of the guys raised their hands and said "I do". She woke outta her stupor and started yelling at them. Didn't say anything to me the rest of the ride. Go figure.

Stupid Boy

I picked up these 3 young-ish fellas, cute one in the front, other two in the back. They were chatting about girls and whatnot and I found something they said somewhat amusing so I was smiling to myself while they were bragging.

Cute Boy: You thought that was funny?

Me: Yup. And I smiled at him again.

CB: Wow. You got a beautiful smile.

Me: smiling at him

CB: You're kinda hot ... for a fat chick.

Me: I get that a lot. It's the smile.

CB: I can see that. Ya know, I might even make an exception for you.

Me: No kiddin'? Wow. You'd do that for me huh?

CB: Sure. Why not?

By this time his friends are snickering in the back. We get stopped at the next light and I kinda turn towards him and give him that look. You know which one I mean. The one that fat chicks all over the world get when a cute fella is willing to make an exception just for them ... the oh my gawd he's so cute!! I'd be happy if he'd just let me suck his dick 'cuz ... well, I'm fat and desperate and please GAWD just let him make an exception ... this ... one ... time ... and leaned towards him while looking him up and down, licking my lips.

Me: C'mere big boy. I say in my sexiest - I'm-a-fat-chick-come-fuck-me voice.

He leans in closer, we get about 6 inches apart ... I reach up with my left hand as if to stroke his face and BAM! Right upside the head.

Me: What the fuck is wrong with you?!! Your momma teach you to treat girls that way?

He pulls back so hard he hit his head on the window and me and his friends start laughing so hard he can't help but to laugh too. We ended on a good note, and he tipped me well for being such a sport.

Don't ...

... try and guilt me into giving you a free ride. I give charity rides all the time. I have drivers that call me and tell me where some girl got left by her man with no money or ride home, or just someone down on their luck and needing a ride. I don't have a problem with this, as long as you seem somewhat contrite.

But if you're a young, healthy man that got his car towed because he couldn't read the signs that say "don't park here 11p-5a fri and sat" and pull me over, knowing you don't have any money, then try and guilt me into giving you a free ride because your feet are sore from your 3 mile trek and then say "I would give you what money I have but since it's so little it's not even worth offering. I just want a ride." Don't be angry at me if I don't roll over and give you what you want. The obvious course of action here would be to offer what little you DO have and beg and plead for some help.

And esPECially don't get mad and call me a bitch if you then say "Well, actually I do have the money, but I need it to get my car out of impound tomorrow. It's only another couple of miles, c'mon. Give me a ride. Doesn't your company have something for people that are in trouble? Can't you help a fella out?" and I still choose not to give you a ride.

"I don't know my address."

There comes a point in some people's lives where they just shouldn't be allowed out in public, for their own safety. And possibly my sanity.

I get sent to Arby's 'round about 82nd and King Rd. to pick up an older lady w/a walker. I get there and get her in the car.

Me: So where we off to tonight?

She: My house.

Me: Um. OK. What's the address?

She: I don't know honey. I just moved there.

Me: Ah. OK. Is the address on your i.d.?

She: No. Not yet.

Me: Uhmmmm. Do you have it written down anywhere?

She: No honey, I don't.

Me: Well can you tell me which direction to go to get you home?

She: Yes. Go down 82nd.

Me: Okee dokee. Now we're in business. Where am I going to turn? Will you recognize it when we get there?

She: I don't think so. I'm so confused. I don't remember where I live. What am I going to do?

At this point she's getting a bit panicky. I'm trying to keep her (and myself) calm but I'm getting a bit frustrated. I put the car back into park there at the Arby's and we calmly work out that she's just moved into a new foster home, run by people that barely speak english (russian of some sort) and she doesn't remember where it is. We're sitting here for about 10 minutes trying to get this info while she's digging thru her purse trying to find something when she finds one of those "If you find this person call this number" type of cards.

I call the number and they don't speak any english. Damn it. I call another cab driver that speaks about 7 different languages and explain the situation and he calls the foster care folks - for a tidy little $10 fee. :o( So I finally get her address figured out and get her to the foster care. She hands me her credit card. Denied. She wants to write me a check. We don't accept checks.

She starts freaking out again. She has no cash. I go knock on the door and this older russian gent comes out to help her outta the cab and into the house. I try speaking to him, he doesn't speak english. I still haven't gotten paid yet. 'Round about then a lady comes driving up. Barely speaks english and starts asking all kinds of questions that I don't have answers for. Turns out this lady left the house about 7a yesterday. Just walked away. The police found her about noon and took her to the e.r. and dropped her off. The foster folks didn't go get her then for whatever reason and so she wandered out of the e.r. and had been m.i.a. since then.

I tried to explain to the lady about not getting paid. She wanders into the house. About the time I decide to write it off she comes back out and hands me a check for $10. Instead of arguing about the time spent and whatnot I just smile at her, thank her and drive off. I run into the other driver and give him the $10 I owed him - in cash - he doesn't take checks. :o)

This morning I stopped by their bank, check is no good. SO. For my almost hours worth of time I ended up -$10.

Oh. My. Gawd.

I just couldn't let THIS one go without sharing. You ladies are gonna love it.

Tampon Crafts

It really is what it sounds like. Be sure to read the descriptions.

:o)

Don't ...

get in my cab, drunk and belligerent and get pissy with me when I ask you to put your seat belts on. It's the law. (Except for cab drivers, school children on a bus and city buses everyone else in the state of Oregon has to wear a seat belt. I don't like it, except that I don't have to wear one while driving a cab, because I feel that once I become an adult, can drink, drive and vote then damn it I'm adult enough to kill myself however I choose. But that's just me.)

And if it comes to the point that I have to explain this to your drunk, belligerent ass and you say something like "Fuck that. I am not wearing a seat belt!" Then don't get angry if I choose to not give you a ride. It's my right as the driver of a vehicle to kick your ass outta my car.

Don't ...

get angry and start calling me names if I drive by you as you're trying to flag me. Odds are very good that I would just loooove to pick you up but once I accept a "job" for the company I cannot - at the risk of my job - stop anywhere along the way. I'm sorry.

DO however, feel free to get very angry and call me every name in the book if I happen to hear you calling me those names, pull over, wait until you catch up with me, ask you "I'm sorry, was that 'fucking bitch' you called me or 'stupid fucking bitch'?" and then drive off when you answer.

"You're just being difficult."

Saturday night was one of those nights when you seriously rethink your choice of careers. Just one shitty fare after another. Eesh. After a certain point (read: $400.00) you have to just laugh. It takes some serious amounts of continuous annoyance to get under my skin, and this first one hit my last nerve that night.

I get sent to some shithole of a cheap motel at Columbia and MLK in N Ptld, industrial area with cheap motels for truck drivers, parking for said drivers, a strip joint and 2 24 hr. drive thru's - McD's and Jack in the Crack. NOT the best of areas.

I get to this motel to pick up this young black man and his woman, both probably about 20 ish, maybe less, at 3:30a.

They get in and the smell of pot wafts into the cab. More power to 'em. 1st thing: he starts bitching about the time it took to get a cab. I apologize but tell him there isn't a whole lot that can be done about it at this time of a Sunday morning. We're busy. Deal.

Me: Where we off to?

He: Downtown. About 5th and Oak, and we'll need a ride back. This is where all the dealers hang out downtown where you can get anything you want, at any time. You TequilaCon-ners might wanna take note. :o)

I go to pull outta the driveway (there is only 1 way into/out of this gem) and I have to go north as there's a concrete berm down the middle of the road. I happen to know that the berm ends about 100 yds up.

He: Hey, if you take an immediate right you can drive thru the truck stop parking lot instead of going all the way down to the next exit.

Me: All right.

I pull into the driveway and am immediately hit with these monster pot holes in the dirt road.

Me: Oh man, I don't know about this.

He: What? Just keep going. Cabs do it all the time.

I drive about 50 feet in and there are now pot holes bigger than my car. In a dirt parking lot. Filled with water. No way.

Me: Nope. No way I'm driving thru this shit. I don't know whats at the bottom of those holes. Or how deep those holes are. Sorry.

He: What? You're the first cab driver to say that. Just drive thru the shit. It's gonna cost me more if you go the other way.

Me: Look, I'm more than willing to make an illegal u-turn 100 yds up where the concrete ends, but I'm not driving thru that shit. No way.

He: Well shit. You're just being difficult. Just do what I tell you. That's your JOB isn't it?

Me: No, my JOB is to get you to where you need to go, expediently and safely.

He: Well, you're going to turn off the meter right?

Me: And why would I do that? You tried to send me down a road that isn't a road.

He: Well, you have to admit you fucked up, right?

Me: No, I didn't fuck up. You did by trying to send me thru those potholes.

I pull around the concrete and we start heading south on MLK.

He: Shit. I don't know why you have to be so fucking difficult. That's all you are. Difficult.

Me: No. If I was being difficult I would take you back to the hotel and let you wait another hr and a half for the next available cab so you can go downtown and do your drug deal. Now. You going to be quiet so I can take you downtown or you going to keep insulting me?

He: I might have to make a fucking complaint about your dumb ass.

Me: I guess that's a "no" to wanting a ride downtown. Hold on second here ... I make another illegal u-turn and pull back into the hotel ... Here you are, back safe and sound.

He: I am definately going to make a complaint about you, bitch.

Me: Wait a minute, let me write down my name and cab number so you can at least get it right. Now, would you like me to call you another cab or can you do that yourself?

He: I think I can handle that myself.

Me: Good. Sorry I couldn't help you. And by the way, before you slam my other door like your gf just did, you might wanna rethink as I'm sure you would hate for me to have to call the cops up here to have a chat with you about "assaulting" the cab. K? I mean, the way you smell it could be a problem.

He: Bitch.

But he didn't slam the door.

Right after that I got another young black lady in my car that needed to get home.

She: I'm gonna take you on the short cut as I need to get home.

Me: Sure. Lead the way.

We're tooling along and she tells me to turn here, turn here, etc.

She: Take a left here.

Me: It's a dead end.

She: I know, just drive thru here, it's all right.

Me: I drive in about 15 ft then Wait a sec. Is this someone's back yard??

She: Yeah, but dude works nights so he won't say anything.

Me: I'm NOT driving thru someone's back yard, home or not. Sorry. How else can we get there?

She: Well, you're going to have to take me around the block. But I only have enough money if you take me the short cut. I didn't knowed you'd be so prissy you wouldn't take the short cut everyone else does. I thought you were supposed to be a cab driver.

I got her home, and was glad to get her outta there.

Then I picked up these two older black women from the bingo hall. (it's open all night fer crissakes) These women are ha-uuuuge. Not that I have any room to talk, but dayuuuum, they stunk. As in someone couldn't walk their fat ass to the toilet in time. eeesh. Had to disinfect the car after they got out. They decided to go thru the McD's drive thru, then started bitching at the kid in the window because it was taking too long to get their hash browns cooked. They gave this kid a serious amount of grief.

Kid: I'm sorry, but we can't just leave them laying around then they wouldn't be fresh. I tell you what tho, I'll give you a refill on your orange juice while you're sitting here waiting if you'd like to start drinking it now.

FB2: Then just give us another one.

Kid: I'm sorry, what?

FB2: If you're going to give her a refill then just give me one too. For free. No one has to know.

Kid: I'm sorry, but I can't. My manager is here.

FB2: Is that the chinese kid? I don't like him anyway. He don't give NOthing for free.

Gawd. Seemed the whole night went like this. I just went home and took a shower, wash all that anger off me.

"Big dick. Good in bed."

I picked up these 3 people from the Convention Center where they were having the Portland Wine Festival or something along those lines tonight.

I am driving down the street when I see this cute little woman flagging me with a taller guy behind her and this other really well put out fella wavin' his arms like an ape with hands full of poo so I pull over cuz ... well, just cuz.

They get in an decide they want to go to a bar I've not heard of called Trust. Just across the river. We head off with Ape Poo fella sitting in front.

AP: I perfected my cab flagging technique in San Diego where you practically have to jump in front of the cab to get it to stop.

Me: And you do it so well too. You're lucky it was me, lots of drivers don't stop for that sorta action.

AP: Ah, I love you already.

Me: Hunh. I charge extra for that.

AP: I'd pay it.

I just kinda look at him sideways. Girl in back starts laughing.

She: She's got you figured out Ape! I didn't get his name, just seems appro here. :o)

AP: You think you got me figured out huh? Already? My therapist hasn't figured me out yet, and I've paid him $2000.

Me: Well, this ride is going to cost you about 8 bucks and I'm taking you to a bar, I'm thinking I gotcha pretty well figured out.

They all laugh.

She: Describe him in 5 words. GO!

Me: 'Full of shit'?

She: Oh my gawd she's funny. She's got you figured out Ape!!

AP: No she doesn't. She thinks she does. What people don't realize is that I may seem like I'm full of shit, but deep down I'm sincere. Besides, that's only 3 words.

Me: Oh. 'How about conceited'. more laughs from the back

AP: You need to learn the difference between 'conceited' and 'confident'. Here's 5 words that describe me. 'Big dick. Good in bed.' I got references. I got videos.

Me: Now see, that isn't 'confident'. That's 'conceit'. Besides, of it ain't on the internet then it ain't true darlin'.

AP: True. True. Gawd, you're funny.

We talk about other stuff the rest of the way.

She: You should write a book about some of the stuff that happens in your cab.

Me: I have a blog.

She: Oh my gawd that's hilarious! What's the address? We'll check it out. Are you going to put us in there?

AP: "Big dick. Good in bed." Be sure to put that in there! We are going to read it.