This Fare City of Portland, Oregon

Recycling an old story ... Some Do's and Dont's of Cabbing

2011-09-19T05:20:00.000-07:00

I wrote this one about 4 yrs back. This is all still pertinent and I've added one or two more. :)

DO: Talk to your cab driver. You might enjoy it.

DO: Turn on your damned porch light!! If you expect to get to the airport at some un-godly hour and I have to get out and walk up to every single house to see a damned address because the entire street has their lights off then damn it, I'm going to be late.

DO: Call back and cancel your call if your idiot friend comes back and you decided to ride w/their drunken ass back to where ever.

DO: Let me know if you aren't feeling well. Don't make me find out the hard way. It makes for an unhappy cabbie.

DO: Actually have the means to pay the fare before you get in the cab.

DON'T: Sit in the front seat if you're the only person in the cab other than me. I load up the front seat w/crap for this very reason. And don't insist on it even after I ask you to sit in back. It's a comfort issue. Mine. Not yours.

DON'T: Let the first words out of your mouth something along the lines of a) 'have you ever been robbed?' b) 'do you ever feel scared?' c) 'ever get somewhere and have someone run without paying?' Any combination of these will likely get you on the side of the road waiting for another cab.

DON'T: Complain to me that every single cab driver you've ever gotten doesn't speak english. Not my fault. When the powers that (shouldn't) be decide to make it illegal to work in this country if English isn't your first language THEN you can complain. To them. Not me.

DON'T: Call the 3 major cab companies in Ptld because you're in a hurry and take whichever shows first w/out calling the others and cancelling. Not cool.

DON'T: Touch the driver! Just ... don't.

DON'T: Think that just because I'm a woman driving a cab I'm desperate enough to sleep with you. I don't care how charming your drunk ass thinks you are ... I'm saying you aren't.

DON'T: Flash the camera. Seriously. I don't want to see your boobs. I have my own and odds are fairly decent they're better than yours.

DON'T: Get jealous when your bf is giving me directions. I am no one's competition. If he's willing to go out w/your drunk ass then I probably don't want him anyway.

And a BIG DON'T: Don't look down on me because I'm a cab driver. I'm not living on the street. Or popping out kids to live off welfare. Or trying to cheat the system. I HAVE a job. It may not be glamorous, or something you would do. But give me the smallest modicum of respect for having a job and being able to use that word in proper context.

"... told him she was only 17 know what he said?"

2011-08-26T09:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes as the cab driver I am invisible to those ppl that wouldn't deign to speak to me. I get it, I do. BUT ... I think they should be a bit more careful about what they speak about. Just 'cuz I'm invisible doesn't mean I'm deaf.

I picked up the director and lead camera guy for a t.v. show that's being filmed here in Ptown every year ( 4 seasons now). I got this from listening to them talk. Our ride ended up being a bit longer than necessary 'cuz instead of them telling me where they wanted to go they gave me an address. When I got them there and quizzed 'em on it turned out they wanted the other side of the bridge. No big deal. Learned some interesting things about some of the actors on the show.

BTW: Not going to say which show (can you say "law suit"? :) but let's say the main actor they're talking about is named ... James. James ... Button. Yeah. (who I've picked up a few times and honestly, is getting a rep around town for being unfriendly to the "help" so I don't feel bad talking about him ... anonymously that is. :)

Dir: Well, what can you expect? She's over 40 so of COURSE she's going to try and tell you how to light her while filming.

Cam: Did I tell you what James did?

Dir: Oh God. What now?

Cam: He was standing next to one of my assistants and saw so-and-so's daughter and told him to get her number for him.

Dir: NOOOO! This guy is killing me ... covering his ass all the time. He'll fire us all if he finds out.

Cam: I know. But when my assis. told him she was so-and-so's daughter and he thought about it for a minute...

Dir: Tell me he changed his mind??

Cam: No! When my assis. told him she was only 17 know what he said??

Dir: I'm afraid to hear.

Cam: He told my guy "So give her MY number and tell her to call me."

Dir: I keep telling these people to stop using their under-aged kids as extras. Shit! We have to find a way to get her off the set w/out so-and-so finding out.

AND ... we have a new section to this lovely blog boys and girls ... Viewer Mail! In which our heroine will show the emails sent to her and respond w/something probably snarky. :)

My email:

Trixie,

Been reading your blog for a while now and have never commented or posted, however, thought it was time to do so. First and foremost, you are a very talented writer and artist and I’m grateful that you share those talents with the world.

Secondly, I have shared your blog with several other PDX’ers, and I always get asked “Is that picture really her?”. I of course have to tell them “Don’t know, I’ve never met her. I’d like to think it is!”. Followed by “Every day I find myself going out of my way to look at the driver of every cab I see. I’d like to tell her how much I appreciate the stories and art.”

So that brings me to the third and final part of this e-mail...Is the picture on your blog you?

Please keep sharing with the world!

-Dennis-

Dear Dennis:

I appreciate and thank you for your comments and readership. As much as I'd like to say this is me, it's not. It's some random pic found on the webz. If this were me I would imagine this would be a whole different blog and I'd be making *much* larger tips. ;)
Keep looking though. Imagine there has to be at least one cab driver out there that looks like this.

Although I will say I got a $50 tip earlier this morning. Not a very interesting story: some drunken idiot trying to get me to "dance" with him while we were driving and I finally had to slap his hand for playing w/the buttons on my meter and my radio. Seems I make more when someone is trying to apologize for being an ass. Could make for interesting blog fodder tho.

"So ... you waited until she bent down to tie her shoes?"

2011-08-16T02:37:00.001-07:00

I picked up a couple from The Kennedy School and took them to a friends' home in outer SE Ptown. We were chatting and got around to the "where are you from" variety of questions. After a few hilarious questions/answers I get that He is from Utah, she is from LA.

Me: I used to live in Sandy, UT but never in LA. Gotta be quite a culture shock huh?

He: Yeah. It's rough being from Utah and being liberal.

Me: What? NO. Is that even possible?

He: And to make it better I'm a Jew.

Me: Holy Chri ... wow. And they LET YOU OUT??

He: Well ... yeah. I suppose. But don't tell anyone.

Me: Hunh. So it wasn't so much a "get out of town and club a woman over the head to take her back and procreate" as it was an "escape plan" eh?

She: Yeah, 'cuz us 6 foot tall Chinese women are so easy to club.

Me: looking at them in the rear view So ... you waited until she bent down to tie her shoes?? :)

They were funny folks. Here for a wedding.

Customer comment ... this might amuse you. :)

2011-07-29T05:08:00.000-07:00

It did me. ;)

Trixie-

Whats goin' on? This is Chad #1. ...or two. ...or three, or whoever I am... At any rate, I am the man with the "narrow" He-man embossed ass. First, I love your site dedicated to sharing stories of drunken ass holes with God-knows-what tattooed to their asses; cracks my shit up. Keep up the good work by the way. Anyhow, I was mostly all shit-housed drunk - as were the other Chads that night - however, and correct me if I'm wrong, I recall somewhat recall a cell phone camera and a discount for showing said ass art. Needless to say, I was a little bummed out when pictures of my ass weren't on your web site. Now let me tell you. I didn't go through a drunken night of ass tattooing with my tattoo artist friends for my own benefit. Hell no! I did this for the good of humanity all together! hahaha I did this so that people could see it and laugh and say things like, "What an idiot!" It's the American Dream! hahahahaha

So, if you happen to have the aforementioned picture, put that shit up there! hahaha I can send you another one if you don't though. :)

I'm just giving you a hard time. Thanks for the site, and keep as all entertained.

-Chad #1. ...or two or three or whatever.......

If he sends me the picture I am totally putting this on my blog. :) This is the story of 6-27-11.

This would be hilarious if ...

2011-07-26T11:53:00.000-07:00

... the guy wasn't blind.

You'll see. I think I might have done this to a drunk friend in college. :)

I was sitting in the taxi line at the airport waiting to pick up whomever was next when the 'port helper walked a dude out to me w/his luggage and put him in the back seat of my cab. I put his luggage in the trunk and hopped in the car.

Me: Hey there. How you doin'?

He: Fine. Thanks. It was a good flight. I need to go to the Marriott.

Me: K. Which one?

He: Is there more than here? Someone told me this was a pretty small town.

Me: Portland?? We like to think so, but no, 2.5 million w/the 'burbs. And 5 Marriott's just in downtown. Any ideas which one?

He: Not really. Can you get my itinerary out of my luggage? It's in the outside zipper.

Me: Sure.

I hopped out and got into his luggage and pulled out the paperwork ... Mapquest printed out. I was a bit confused by the address until I looked a little closer. Portland, MAINE.

No shit.

Wow. I didn't even know where to go from there. There are cabs lined up behind me waiting for me to get out of the way and I'm just standing there drawing a complete blank. I waved the cabs around me and waved the starter ('port helper) over to me and told him what was going on. I know I wouldn't believe some cab driver if they told me I was on the wrong end of the country so I called in some back up.

Poor dude in the cab finally got out to sit on a bench and make a few phone calls.

While the starter was helping dude back to the bench there was this HOT young man standing there waiting to talk to the starter. We eyeballed each other for a coupla seconds and he smiled at me in a VERY promising way. He started walking towards me, and as I turned to open the door for him this big ol' scary flannel wearing woman walked up from the other way, said "Thanks" and hopped in. Damn it. :)

"It's OK ... who's she going to tell?"

2011-07-18T14:29:00.000-07:00

I picked up the wide receiver and punter for our PSU Vikings football team t'other night. The WR was the chatty one, Punter didn't say much. They were both pretty drunk, going from the Cheerful Tortoise to the Barrel Room, short ride.

WR: How you doing tonight?

Me: I'm having at least 3 types of fun tonight. How 'bout you fellas?

WR: We're ... wait? 3 types? What three?

Me: Mental, physical and emotional.

WR: Well, you're pretty quick.

Me: That's called being sober hun. What're you fellas up to tonight? Other than the obvious I mean.

P: Obvious? What do you think we're up to? and he said this with the HOTTEST Australian accent ... not that they aren't all hot to my untrained ear. and beating heart

Me: Holy Baby Jesus you sound CUTE! and wow, he was good looking too.

WR: Yeah. That's what all the girls say.

Me: I bet that isn't all they say to him.

WR: So what do you think we're doing?

Me: I think you're taking this guy to the bar to pick up women.

WR: Now how did you guess? That's exactly what I'm doing. I'm lazy. I just sit back and let him do the fishing for me.

Me: Like fishing in a drinking glass with that accent I imagine.

WR: Yeah, if I'm lucky I might get one of the cast-offs from the 2 or 3 he picks up.

Me: Oh c'mon now, you look like you might clean up pretty well yourself. If you were to maybe wear something besides that nasty old shirt and shorts.

WR: Yeah. Guess I could have changed my shirt, this one hasn't been washed in a week.

P: I wouldn't advertise that if I were you.

WR: It's OK ... who's she going to tell?

Who indeed.

Random violence to my cab ...

2011-07-16T04:51:00.000-07:00

I got sent to "Mystic" to pick up this 20 yr old dancer. When I pulled in there was a group of popped collar young men walking towards me to get to their car(s). One was staggering all over the parking lot and dropped his cigarette about 15 feet in front of my cab.

Took him quite a bit of maneuvering to get from where he was to the ground to get the cigarette, then he had a hard time re-standing. I just stopped and waited.

After all his friends had walked by (and smiled at me) he got motor-vating forward towards his friends. He eyeballed the cab as he walked by, said "Fucking Foreigners" quite loud and kicked the fender of my cab. Just 'cuz.

I shoulda ran him over.

I picked up a gent from the airport, his home was downtown at the St Claire bldg so I had to wander up Burnside to get there last night. For those of you that don't know Ptld, W Burnside (and parts of East) are like running a gauntlet of drunks and/or idiots. Tonight as I was driving up the Burnside w/this guy I was on the sidewalk-side of the road as some tourist was parked in the middle of the road trying to make an illegal left.

I heard a weird "plop" and looked to my right, there was this ha-UGE pile of bird crap on my passenger side windshield. I couldn't help it, I just blurted out

"Wow! That bird was FULL! I'm impressed it could still fly."

Then had to point out to Dude what I was talking about (check out the picture below). We were only about 3 blocks from his house so I got him where he was going. After he paid I got out to get his luggage outta the trunk and walked around front to look at the "damage" the bird did. Turns out it was all over the hood and up over the windshield and onto the roof of the cab. After taking some time to admire the sheer talent of that bird I looked at it a bit closer ... it was birthday cake. Chocolate w/white frosting.

Wasn't so impressed after that.

"I'll take $5.00 off the fare if you show it to me."

2011-06-27T08:46:00.000-07:00

Picked up these 3 hot guys from up off Broadway Drive going to Sassy's (strip joint) not too far away across the river. Big, loud guy is named Tyson. He's the chatty one, thinks he's a gift to all woman-kind so of course he thought he had my number. :) The cute, small guy is up front w/me texting w/his woman and the guys in back are giving him a hard time.

Tyson: He's not texting ... he's writing his memoirs up there.

Cutie: No, not his memoirs. He's telling his girl he's staying at home since she's gone this weekend.

Tyson: Yeah. At home! Um ... reading a book!

They were laughing and stopped talking for a moment so I said:

Me: You know that's not what we want you doing while we're gone, right?

Tyson: Oh yeah! We got a woman in our car! What IS it you want us to do when at home when you're out of town? DO. TELL.

Me: Well, if you're going to stay home we want you composing poetry to our beauty. All of them looked at me like I'd lost my damn mind and not a one of 'em had anything to say to that. I took pity on 'em ... Unless of course the book you're reading is how to better pleasure us while you're doing the dishes.

Tyson: Oh YEAH! I KNEW I'd like you!! You really need to go to the bar w/us.

Me: Ha. as we pull up to the bar Bye boys ... don't let Tyson get you arrested.

Tyson: But if we did you would totally bail us out right?

Me: No, but if you'd like to give me your girl's phone number I would certainly call her. I'm sure there is plenty of stuff her n' I could chat about.

ALSO:

Picked up these 3 we're-with-the-band looking fellas going across the river from downtown to about 57th NE Sandy. Nice enough guys, laughing and whatnot. Drunk.

He1: Hey. We're all named Chad.

Me: Reeeeally?

He3: Oh yeah. And we're all from South Dakota. And we're all named Chad. What are the odds huh?

Me: Are you guys brothers? Tell me you're all brothers 'cuz the odds of that being funny are pretty darned tall.

He1: No. We just met.

Me: Tonight?

He2: Yes.

Me: Aaaaaand now you're all going home together. Hunh. Wasn't there a movie about that? Some cowboys that just met ... from South Dakota ... they get out of town together ... ?? :)

Hootin' and hollerin' and then we find out that He1 (who's sitting up front) has a tattoo of He Man on his ass. Apparently it's quite the draw at the bars.

Me: Color me intrigued. Can I see it? I'll take $5.00 off the fare if you show it to me.

And he did. Tiny little ass, big tattoo. But well done.

Same story. Different players. Different script.

2011-06-25T10:56:00.001-07:00

I picked up a girl and 2 guys from in front of the Barrel Room last night. Pretty people. Girl was a bit angry, she got up front with me. From the conversation I got that they were friends, not significants and out for her 27th bday. It was a pretty long ride considering we only went about 5 miles from where I picked them up, but that could be because the girl didn't shut up a'tall the whole ride and all she did was bitch and whine.

Basically her complaints were: "Oh my God I'm OLD. I might as well be dead. I don't know what's wrong w/my douchebag friends. No one loves me any longer. No one listens to me any more. All my friends want to stab me in the neck w/a knife. WTF is wrong w/them?" Different variations of the same stuff. It got very annoying, very fast. She decided to bring me into the conversation ...

Annoying Little Bitch: Why are my douchebag friends such assholes?

Me: Maybe it's 'cause you're calling them 'douchebags'. Wouldn't that annoy you? I've heard you say it like, 6 times in the last 2 minutes and I'm pretty annoyed.

She stopped talking to me and started in on the guys again.

We're going up over Burnside to the West side of town and at about Skyline is when it got real ugly. I had already turned up the radio a couple of times to drown her out (for which the guys thanked me) when she finally got on the guy's nerves.

Boy1: Liz. Christ. Would you just shut up. You're being a princess right now.

ALB: Why don't you just STFU Ben. I don't know who the fuck you think YOU are. etc etc again.

Boy2 in the meantime had passed out sitting behind me.

I reached up and turned the radio up again. Boy1 reached up and patted me on the shoulder and said "Hey. I'm sorry my friend is being such a bitch."

Me: Welcome to my world Dude. :)

ALB: "Welcome to my world." Yeah right. All you fucking do is drive around and look stupid.

Me: reaching up to turn the radio down Look little girl, I realize you're having a bad night, but don't start fucking w/me.

ALB: Well, that IS what you do, right? Drive around and look stupid. I don't know why you have to jump in the middle of MY conversation.

Me: I was talking to Ben so you actually jumped in the middle of OUR conversation. A little word of advice: you ...

ALB: What? HUH? Is it advice on how not to be STUPID?

Me: Oh wow. pulling over into the 24 hr QFC at Miller/Barnes Actually, yes. It is. I was going to say "you should try not to piss of your driver before they get you where you're going" but now it's too late.

ALB: Why are you pulling in here? Did we TELL you to pull over? Can't even follow simple directions. No wonder you're a cab driver.

Me: I'm pulling over because you're getting out. Here. Now.

After a bit of arguing they all got out. They guys didn't want to but since they couldn't shut her up and I don't leave women on the side of the road alone ... you know.

Same story. Different script.

::sigh::

It was a rough weekend ...

2011-06-20T18:35:00.000-07:00

First and foremost it was Father's Day. Happy FD Dad - where ever you may be. :)

Then in Portland we had two other BIG things happening this same weekend:

1) It was Pride weekend in Portland. Lots of people here for the festivities and parade. Oddly enough, I haven't - yet - heard of a single hate issued crime happening. It was good times for all. The weather was nice enough and seemingly everyone was happy.

2) The other was the Naked Bike Ride on Saturday night. Yearly and international event (although I read that there are only 4 cities in the US that do it), people protesting cars. It's always amusing ... last year we had 13000 people riding, this year is estimated at about 9-10K. Not everyone is completely naked, although many are. A lot of people standing around gawking and yelling, and sadly, many people just trying to get around but stuck in traffic. I try, every time something of this nature comes to downtown to stay out of town, but there is always someone that wants to go downtown. ::sigh:: It's a rough life. And unfortunately I got stuck 1/2 way across the Hawthorne Bridge as the Ride was starting because everyone in front of me had to stop their cars.

Anyway, pictures stolen from someone's blog and when I say "rough weekend" what I really mean is "incredibly amusing to those of us that are sober" especially when we think about the amount of talcum powder sold in Ptld on Sunday. :)

Talk about trying to "... sink my spirits"

2011-06-14T10:02:00.000-07:00

(thank you Sarah! :)

I got sent to the Acropolis to pick up some dude and - turns out - his 2 women at about 11p. One he knows, the other is friend of his friend, just met. The Acrop is one of the more popular strip joints in town. Lots of ppl go there, especially those from outta town. Just a few miles south of dntn.

Seems they got booted outta there early 'cuz (my opinion) dude was being a dick. He's drunk, the girls aren't but they're pretty much going along w/what he says. And he's saying a LOT.

He: Take us dntn to the Crowne Room. You know where that is?

Me: Yup. How ya'll doing tonight?

He: ignores me and starts bitching at the Friend Of the Friend I don't know what the FUCK I said to you to turn you into such a bitch but you don't even KNOW me. What the fuck? I want to know. You stopped talking to me before we even got kicked out. What the FUCK is wrong with you? HUNH? she ignores him and stares out the window - she is sitting behind me

Friend: in a very quiet voice Please don't talk to her that way.

He: Shut up. You know what I'm talking about. Why can't you even talk to me? HUNH? I mean. Damn.

FOF: Please just leave me alone.

He: OOOOHHH. NOW you talk to me. You wouldn't talk to me all fucking night and NOW you talk to me. I mean. SHIT. I know what it is. You think it's about the money. Just because I grew up in Lake Oswego and have all the money in the fucking world you think I'm a dick. But I'm here to tell you Sweetheart that has nothing to do with it. Sure, my parents are rich. SURE I can get any woman I want but I don't even WANT you and you're being a bitch to me. I tell you what, it's NOT about the money. It's about YOU being a bitch.

Friend: Please. Just stop yelling at her.

He: WHAT? Now you're on HER side? What the fuck??? I tell you what BABE, I could buy and sell 10 of you bottle blond bitches and you would all be naked on your fucking KNEES scrubbing my fucking TOILET and fucking LOVING IT.

They both just looked down at their laps and didn't say anything. Well, I had heard enough.

Me: Dude, seriously. Stop yelling in my cab.

He: looked at me for a minute Let me tell you what happened and then maybe YOU can tell me why she thinks I'm being such a fucking asshole. We were in the bar

Me: interrupting Dude. I really don't want to hear your story, I just want you to stop yelling in my cab.

He: But this bitch is

Me: again DUDE. Stop calling the girls names and stop yelling in my cab. Seriously. I don't want to hear it any longer.

He: Sheeeet. What the fuck do YOU know anyway??

Me: pulling over I know you need to get out.

Everyone just kinda looks at me for a few seconds.

He: Yeah. Maybe I DO I was tired of riding with you anyway. But I tell you what, I am paying for these bitches rides because neither one of them have any fucking money so if you want to get paid then you aren't going to kick us out.

Me: I'm sorry you misunderstood me. I am kicking YOU out. Not the girls. And I will give the girls a ride wherever it is they need to go. For free.

He: Fine. opening the door What the FUCK EVER. and before he gets out he has one last parting shot at me Hey. Ya know what? Stay fat bitch.

Me: couldn't help it, I started laughing Oh wow! All your mommy and daddy's money and that's the BEST parting shot you could come up with?? They must not have spent much on your education Doll. Get the hell outta my cab.

He does. Slams the door and walks off.

Me: So. You girls still want to go to the same bar downtown?

After they got done staring at me they say yes.

FOF: Wow. Everyone was catering to him all night. I can't believe you talked to him like that.

Me: Dude was being a dick. I don't have to listen to that shit even if you do. jab jab

Friend: Still. We can pay for the cab ride by the way so you don't have to worry about it. Thank you though. He was outta control. And disrespectful. Oh my God. I can't believe he said that. You aren't even that big.

Me: I've been called a lot worse than that Darlin'. Trust me. It's all part of the job.

So as we're tooling along the girls are chatting about how they're going to get him to pay for the vacation they're taking the next week. I hear 'Hey, we can just say that my feet hurt and that the cab driver wasn't mean to us like she was to him.'

Apparently for some, money does make the world go 'round.

I try, but I can't save 'em all ...

2011-06-12T12:05:00.001-07:00

Stupid drunk girls. I get so irritated when a girl is so drunk she doesn't know where she is or what - or who - she is doing.

I get flagged in front of the Barrel Room downtown last night. 2 foreign guys and a very intoxicated American girl. Very. Head rolling, snorting, leaning to the side drunk. She's in the middle. They are going to one of the guys apartments, just across the bridge, 8 minutes away.

I hear a lot of stupid shit coming out of the back seat, but what I'm hearing most is "Wait a minute, WHO are you guys? Where's Chrissy? Are you friends of hers? Do I know you?" type of questions from her.

One guy is saying he has a g/f so he is just going along to make sure she is o.k. drinking more at the apartment.

We get to the apt and they are having a hard time getting her out of the cab, physically. She's just kinda ... sitting there. So I finally pipe up:

Me: Hey. Are you OK?

She: Um ... yeah. I think so.

Me: Are you sure you want to go with these guys?

Guy: Hey. She's all right. Come on let's go.

Me: Hush now. HEY. Are you SURE you want to go with these guys?

Other guy: You shut up! She is our friend, we will take care of her.

She: Um ... my friends. Do you know Chrissy?

Me: Dude, back away from the cab - RIGHT NOW so I can talk to your "friend". NOW. they both backed off Hey. Listen to me ... very carefully. Are you sure you want to go with these guys?

She: Ummmm. Sure. They're my friends. I think.

Me: It sounds to me like you just met these guys. If you want to go some place else, ANYWHERE I will take you right now. Can we call your friend Chrissy? I don't think you want to go home with these guys. Really.

She: sorta rolls her eyes at me Oh my God. You sound just like my mother. Mind your own fucking business. I'll go home with ... with ... you know. Do What I Want.

Me: Are you SURE?

She: trying to figure out how to get the door open Let me OUT of here! one of the guys opens the door and she stumbles out FUCK YOU MAN. You're just the cab driver ... don't JUDGE me.

One of the guys pays me and they help her in the door.

I can't save 'em all. I'll probably read about her on the internet some day. Stupid drunken ... pssht.

So we got this new guy ...

2011-06-05T04:34:00.000-07:00

that started just a few months back. Very sweet, VERY not-cab driver material but Dude needed a job, right? I ran into him the 1st time the day after he started, he was parked at an Albertson's in Gresham (outer NE Ptld) and I pulled in there to kill time so decided to chat. He needed help w/the computer and had all kinds of questions that I answered. Seriously, sweetest guy in the world.

Ran into him again off and on the last few months. I keep teasing him because Dude hasn't been to downtown Ptld, says he's afraid to go down there. He knows the eastside and prefers to stay out there.

Last time I ran into him:

Me: You made it downtown yet?

He: Maybe someday.

Me: You need to get yer ass down there, you'll make more money. Especially on the weekends and holidays. There's some bad 'hoods out here. You stay on this side of town and you'll get shot. :)

We laugh and go about our business.

SO ... what happens tonight ... Dude gets shot.

Shit you not. He's fine, drove his car to work and then went home after dealing w/the cops. I'm not laughing about this, and I don't think I ever will, but this is so the type of thing I would tell someone else "Hey, it's funny NOW." Ya know what I mean? Pssht.

It wasn't a customer. Worse. Just somebody randomly shooting at cars driving by. It's a bad neighborhood ... NE 130th and Sandy (for those of you that know) and NOT ONLY did they shoot at him (in the passenger side window, out the back drivers) but they also shot another cab right after the cops left. Another window. Driver not hurt at all.

Probably just some punk kids but still ... bastards.

meh.

Random comments that horrify people ...

2011-05-31T23:01:00.000-07:00

Wandering about w/a couple from outta town late at night. We were getting close to the address they were looking for so I was driving slowly looking and not really paying attention to what they were saying. We had been yucking it up the whole way from the airport ...

She: Oh wow ... I can't believe people actually say that kind of stuff!

Me: Oh, you know, throw some alcohol in the mix and people will say anything.

She: So, how would you describe your job?

Me: looking ... Ummmm cross between a baby sitter and looking human trafficker.

That one's going on my business card. :)

And here's an old one that I find amusing that I'm gonna recycle for your amusement:

Young friendly couple in my cab looking through the want ads looking at the help wanted section.

He: What do you suppose that is?

She: I don't know. Hey driver, what do you think a "hay fluffer" is?

Me: Someone that blows the donkey for the animal porn. :)

PSA: I'm taking the "reactions" part of my comments off the blog. Sorry if that bothers anyone but I prefer to read comments/reactions rather than just see how many people clicked "funny" or whatever.

Bachelor party

2011-05-29T20:04:00.000-07:00

I picked up a coupla fellas that escaped from Idaho for one of the guys bachelor party, they were bar hopping in 2 cabs for the night. I took them from downtown to Sassy's just across the river. They were funny and making fun of the bachelor.

FriendI: to me Our friend here is trying to enjoy his last free night as a single man ... can you show us a good time?

Me: Nah. The bachelors always get angry with me ... I'll just take you guys where you wanna go.

Bachelor: Whaddaya mean we get angry with you?

Me: I'm the one driving you to where you get to watch your friends have fun and drool over the women that you will never, EVER have again. Always makes you guys angry by the end of the night.

Fr1: Yeah man! Never again! She's got it ... you're stuck w/one pussy for the rest of your life!!!

Bach: It's all right man ... it could be a lot worse. She's all right. I'll just throw some grits and honey on it and we'll be fine.

Fr1: "... throw some grits on it"?? Man. WTF you talking about??

Bach: I'm from down south. We throw grits on everything and it's all right.

Everyone in the car is really quiet and just staring at the bachelor and I pop up ...

Me: Well. Just from a woman's point of view: we don't want you throwing no grits on ANYthing ... but most especially not on our bodies.

Bach: after everyone quit laughing But ... everything's better with grits on it.

Me: Nooooo, everything's better with BACON on it, but we don't want you putting any of that shit on us either.

Fr1: She's right there man. Bacon makes it all good. But I'm curious, why wouldn't you want us putting anything on you?

Me: 2 reasons. One, you guys don't eat it all ... no matter how much shit you talk. You know it, we know it and it just makes a mess. And two: you aren't the ones cleaning it all up afterwards.

We all laughed and more than 1/2 of them agreed with me.

Bach: Wow ... this has got to be the best cab ride EVER. You're funny!!

Me: You wanna see funny?? Lemme have your fiance's phone number ... now THAT would be amusing. :)

Bach: Hell no ... I'm not stupid!!

Fr1: I have her phone number ... wait ... even better I think you should be my date to the wedding tomorrow!!

Bach: Dude ... what are you trying to do to me ... she'd kill me!

I got 'em over to Sassy's and the Fr1 got me to give him a ride to the ATM a few blocks away where he tried to convince me I needed to go to the wedding w/him.

I declined. :)

"I bet you just looooove Yanni now huh?"

2011-05-07T05:45:00.000-07:00

Picked up this younger-ish couple (25 +/-) wandering about in inner NW Ptld. They flagged me down and hopped in. They'd gotten lost and gave me directions on how to get where they were going on the other side of downtown "... just near the Marriott on Naito."

We're off. They're from Corvallis - a backwater town about 2 hrs southeast of here where OSU is - and they're laughing about someone saying something about them being husband/wife.

She: I don't understand why everyone assumes we're either husband and wife or brother and sister. Can't a man and woman just be friends?

Me: I thought they were mutually exclusive if you're from Corvallis ... husband/wife ... brother/sister ... :)

He: I can see that. We're not actually from there, we just moved there.

So we make s'more fun of the town and guy asked me about the game I was listening to on the radio ...

Me: Mariners and Texas Rangers. It's pretty much the only thing you can find on the radio for sports around here.

She: I can't listen to sports on the radio. It's so boring.

He: Baseball isn't so bad. At least you can follow it.

Me: It's not like watching golf. And it certainly beats the hell outta soccer! Holy Baby Jesus I tried, I reaaaallly tried to listen to the game last night but man I gotta say it was like going to a Yanni concert ... beYOND boring.

We all laughed and chatted s'more.

I got 'em to where they were going - The Keller Auditorium.

Me: So, what's going on here tonight?

He: We're going to a Yanni concert.

Me: HA! That's funny. :)

He: I'm serious.

I looked up at the marquis ... holy SHIT! He wasn't kidding.

Me: Oh holy shit. I am SO sorry. I mean ... I just ... ah hell.

He: I bet you feel bad now huh?

Me: Well. Not really. I mean, not "bad" but I am sorry. But honestly ... it's Yanni ... I just can't ... pssht. I'll just shut up now.

He: I bet you just looooove Yanni now huh?

Me: Oh hell no. But I can say I'm sorry again if that matters. I mean, shit. Customer service yanno? How could I know I'd get the only 2 Yanni fans on this side of the country in my cab when I spout off about how boring I find his music to be. shrug Sorry.

They didn't say much else and got out pretty quickly.

Yup. Sometimes it goes deeper than the foot in the mouth. :)

I am so going to hell ... :)

2011-05-04T16:25:00.000-07:00

I got sent to pick up this younger fella (about 24) one night about 2:15 am that needed to leave RIGHT NOW to get to the Plaid and grab s'more beer before they closed.

We were chatting about why he waited so late to do a beer run (Play Station) and why it was him instead if one of the other roommates that are running (rock, paper scissors) and then we got to chatting about my drawings (sketch book was on the seat when he hopped in).

Anyway, long story short, he wanted me to draw him a picture to be made into a tattoo. 4 horses of the Apocalypse. Apparently the name of the white rider is the same as his, in German or something of that nature. It stuck in my mind for a bit, then one day I decided to draw it. Turned out pretty cool IMHO (which is the only one you'll get as I didn't take any pictures) and a few days ago I decided to give it to him (I have the drawing in one of those tube things). It's been about 2 wks since I picked him up. One of his roomies answered the door ...

Me: Hey, is Chris here?

R1: Yeah. One second. Um, who are you?

Me: Trixie. I'm a ... friend of Chris'.

R1: Hunh. looking me up and down One second. CHRIS! yelling. There's a GIRL here to see you! to me Come on in.

Chris: COMING!

I sit down and his roomie is trying to come up w/some sort of conversation.

R1: So. You know Chris.

Me: Apparently.

R1: Um. How?

Me: We met not too long ago.

R1: Hunh. Wait ... are you the one he met a few days ago??

Me: Weeeelll, you could put it that way.

R1: No. I mean, are you ... THAT one?

Me: Possibly. You mean there's more than one?

Roomie # 2 walked out at this point and sat down.

R1: This is the chick that Chris met the other night.

R2: Reeeeeeally? Wow.

Me: "Chick"? Really? I bet he didn't even remember my name did he?

R2: Oh man ... we heard all about you!

Me: "All about"?? What exactly did he tell you?

R1: That you were here all night.

R2: And it took him all day to clean the house afterwards.

R1: And the screaming.

R2: Yeah. The screaming.

Me: Oh man he really did tell you about it, didn't he? I'm gonna kill him.

Then he came walking out. And of course, didn't remember me.

Me: Hi Baby. How you been? You recover ok?

He: Um. Hi. I'm ok. Um. Recover?

Me: From the other night. I thought you weren't going to tell anyone.

He: Uhhhhhm. Wait. Do I KNOW you??

His friends are watching us like a tennis match.

Me: Know me? Do you KNOW ME?? How could you FORGET me?

He: Uhhhhh

Me: And you DID tell them it was YOU that was doing all the screaming. Right? Man, that grape jelly made you come unGLUEd. It was so hot ...

He: Uhhhhh

Wow. This is fun ... poor boy is squirming and sweating ... it should be said that I am quite a bit older than he is. heh

Me: What? Not even a hug? After everything we did?

He: Iiiiiii ... he looks down at the tube I'm carrying

Me: You asked me to bring back the ... well ... I don't know if I can say it in front of your roommies ... but here. This is for you. I KNOW you want this, badly. I mean, you were begging me to bring it back. I hand it over to him. He looks almost afraid of touching it much less looking inside.

This was way too much fun. I took pity on him and told them what was going on. Kid almost collapsed in relief. ;)

Sometimes when I get bored I will ...

2011-05-02T15:58:00.001-07:00

troll Google checking out the various comments and/or articles on the Portland taxi cab business. Sometimes I find something entertaining, sometimes not. This time I found a very slight mention of me in someone's blog. I love to hear when I do well, other than from the people in my cab.

http://www.excelthrulearning.com/blog/the-cab-drivers-of-portland-oregon.html

One thing I think is very underrated these days is letting someone know when they've done something that makes you happy, or smile, or even just done their job well enough to not make you hate them or their service for you. I *always* go out of my way to let someone know when they've done well, and I will often let someone higher up than them know as well. I actually started doing that a few years back after having other "service industry" people mention the great service and tipping better because of it. It made me appreciate them more and branch out w/my own praise and/or tips.

Of all my rides I would say that, conservatively, 95% of them are good. And this is mostly due to me. May sound a bit conceited, but I AM the one driving the cab and interacting w/these people. I am often the first person they really get to see or talk to when they first come to Portland. I love my city, and for the most part, truly enjoy my job. It may not seem so all the time from the stories I write on here, but jeez ... I sit on my ass, drive around all night and generally talk and yuk it up. If it weren't for the incredibly unstable economy and the fact that I have absolutely no job security this could be a perfect job. Well, that and the danger factor, but I try to minimize that as much as possible. :)

I've had friends mention that I should change up my blog a bit and start getting more reactive type of stories on here: letting the people in my cab know that I have a blog and they could possibly make it on here. I can see how this could certainly increase my readership and possibly lead to something lucrative but that just isn't how I roll. I'm much more laid back and honestly, if I were to let people know this when they got in the cab I think it could potentially cause more problems. I'm cool w/my blog the way it is.

I hope this will inspire some of you to thank someone for helping you or even just doing their jobs well. We need more positive reinforcement in this economy ... a smile and a thank you don't cost anything and will often make you feel better. :)

Happy Spring ya'll!!

Before I switched my vehicle and hours ...

2011-05-01T20:26:00.001-07:00

there was this older lady I used to pick up a Lot. She lives in S.E. Ptld and goes to the all the bars that are w/in $5.00 of her home (there's about 6). She's 74 and her vision is going. Very friendly. She never remembers me (she's always drunk) but she's a very chatty woman, for the short ride.

Every time I pick her up - from the bar - she tells me that she hasn't been drinking. She NEVER drinks, she just goes there to socialize as she's old and lonely. She must drink whiskey because I can smell her from quite a ways away and I always have to help her to the cab as she has a hard time walking away from the bar.

Anyway, she tells me - every single time - that she's having some problems w/her sugar levels that's why she is having problems walking.

So, now that I've switched my hours to a bit earlier I am taking her to the bar instead of picking her up and taking her home and it smells like she is pre-gaming the bar.

Color me suspicious.

My first (only) brush w/Oscar Royalty ...

2011-04-29T14:44:00.001-07:00

Last night ... :)

Very nice man.

So I'm wandering down around the Reed College area ...

2011-04-20T05:03:00.000-07:00

round about 3a-ish a few nights ago, heading to the overpass to get over McLoughlin Blvd. on Woodstock and have to stop because I come up on a beaver ambling across the road. A beaver. Just some ... random ... beaver. On the road. In the cross walk no less. I mean ... it's a BEAVER for fuck's sake.

I had plenty of time to think about this as I was watching him - and since then - I've never even SEEN a beaver outside of the zoo and this fat bastard was just trolling across the road. Yes, I know we're the Beaver State and you would think we had one on every street corner hocking dental floss, but ... I mean ... I ju ... I ...

I'm assuming he was just wandering from one waterhole to another. Guess I'm also assuming it was a he for that matter.

SO - here's where MY brain goes when I see a beaver walking across the road ...

* How did he know to cross in the cross walk? I mean - I know the deer have the pictures so they know where to cross the road buuuut ... what? The wildlife is just smarter at Reed College? I know the students are, but ...

* Really??? A beaver.

* Apparently that nuclear reactor they have at the college is doing a bit more for the local wildlife that we are aware.

And of course the classic -

* why did the beaver cross the road?

I let the bastards get me down ...

2011-04-19T00:36:00.000-07:00

... which is why I stopped writing as many stories. I let "them" suck the fun outta my job.

But -

spring has finally sprung in Portland!!!!

I have a new car.
A new shift.
A new day driver.
And a whole new attitude.

It is once again all sunshine and rainbow colored bubbles in my cab. Whooot!!

So, like I said, I let the bastards get me down but I've rallied and plan on once again amusing myself at the expense of others ...

BRING IT ON PORTLAND DRUNKTARDS ... WHADDAYA GOT?!!!

"Weeeeeelllll actually ... "

2011-04-17T14:03:00.000-07:00

I was trolling the streets t'other night and ended up at Kells Irish Pub (one of the more popular places downtown) and picked up a young couple and took them up behind Zupan's @ 23rd and W Burnside (21 blocks up the road). She got in first and fell across the seat, drug herself up and greeted me with a big ol' sloppy, drunken kiss on the cheek (she was reeeeally happy to see me). He got in and started singing some boy band song that I didn't recognize.

She: Would you STOP shinging that shong!! Oh my Gawd I am sho shick of hearing that shit! SHUT UP!!

He: Ummmmm ... HUH?

She: ADAM! Shut up! I hate that shong! Goddamnit ... it's my BIRFday ... why can't you shing shomething I like?? I HATE you. No I don't. I LOVE you. Oooooohhh... you are such a cute little baby. At this point she's rubbing his face like he's a kitten. I'm just watching in the rear view. Whew.

She finally spits out where we're going and we're off.

Me: after seeing Adam starting to slide to the side He's not gonna yak in my cab is he?

She: I don't shink sho. Adam. ADAM!! Wake up. You aren't going to frow up are you??

He: NoooooooOOOOOOoooo. I don't do that. I'm fiiiiiine. aaand he passed out

So she was just blabbering away drunkenly about how great it is to have a woman cab driver and how she really didn't like strange men helping her into the house all the time when she's alone. I refrained from mentioning that maybe she shouldn't be drinking to the point of having to have strangers drag her in the house.

ANYway, I get up the hill to their place, she's trying to wake up Adam while she's digging cash outta her purse. He's not really waking up. She stumbles out of the cab and puts her purse on the trunk to dig through it so I wake up Adam - I've had a bit of practice at this. He wakes up and looks at me and gets *that look* on his face.

Me: ADAM. Do NOT throw up in my cab.

He: uuuuuuhhhhh ...

Me: Get OUT of the car. NOW.

He: All right. Jeez. Mom. It was only that one time. After prom.

Me: Don't you make me get your father out here young man, now OUT! hey, whatever it takes

He sat up straight and stumbled out of the cab and over to the fence and starts throwing up over the railing. Their place is on a one way in/out street on this hill just off downtown, parking is at a premium here and theirs is fenced off w/the railing to keep people from driving off the edge onto a 15 foot drop into the bushes - this is where he's yakking.

She reaches in to pay me and as I'm looking at her he takes a header over the fence ... ! It takes me a moment to realize what I just saw, grab my phone and get over to the railing. Dude is laying there, on his face in the mud (it's been raining here a bit :).

Me: yelling at him as I'm calling the police ADAM! Are you all right?? Answer me ... ADAM!!

He: raises his right arm and waves it Fine. I'm fiii ... and yaks again.

She: plops down on the ground w/her legs dangling over the edge and her arms through the fence Oh he's fine. He does this all the time. ADAM! Get your drunk ass up here.

I'm chatting w/the p.d. dispatcher, telling her what's going on, meantime Dude rolls over onto his back and throws up on himself again. Fortunately the cops got there pretty quick. I left it to them and went back to trolling and ended up at Kells again and picked up this couple that were - happily - no where near as drunk as the other two. They were chatting as we headed to 2nd SW Harrison:

She: Wow. What a party. Kelly is going to regret all those birthday shots tomorrow.

He: Yeah, she's going to be miserable. And what happened to Adam? Man! He was fine and then he wasn't ... I thought he was going to throw up in the bar! I hope nothing happened and he made it home all right.

Me: Weeeelllll actually ...

heh

"My dad's a LAWYER so I think I know the law!"

2011-04-16T11:54:00.000-07:00

I picked up this seemingly normal woman last night at about 2a-ish from a place called Sesame Donuts in the Raleigh Hills area. She was almost as wide as she was tall and smelled of cat. Wedged herself into the cab and just started rambling about nothing that seemed important (to me) but apparently was enough that she had to keep touching my shoulder to make sure I was paying attention every time she had a point to make.

Complete strangers touching me tends to make me a bit ... irritated. Woman or no.

So this woman is blabbering about how she had to wait at the donut shop instead of the Dublin Pub across the street because she's a good Christian girl and didn't want those heathen men trying to follow her or try and pick her up like all men do on the bus. ("Boys are BAD!" I think she seriously considered jumping outta the cab when I said "Yeah, but that's what we like about 'em.")

ANYway, this woman was talking a bit too much so I tuned her out. We were on our way to the East side via the Ross Island Bridge at her direction, even though I offered to take her the shortest route (that would cost less as she said she only had a finite amount of cash) she said she could only go the way she normally drove because it was the only way she knew. Certainly her option. I tried. So, we were sitting at the light, and she's blabbering away and she finally stops to ask about the meter:

She: Is the meter still running?

Me: Of course, you're in a taxi.

She: But ... we're sitting still.

Me: Yes. I see that. But the meter still runs.

She: Wait a minute. That isn't right. You can't run the meter when we're stopped.

Me: Actually, I can. It's the laws that are set up by the City of Portland's Taxi Cab Commission.

She: Oh, I seriously doubt that. My dad's a LAWYER so I think I know the law! You need to stop that meter right now Missy. I said NOW!

Me: Wow. I haven't been called "Missy" since Sister Mary-Margaret caught me putting ants on Bobby Miller's desk. Well, if you look at the window right next to your head the cab rates are listed right there. If you can't read them I could certainly read them to you.

She: Oh ... you're CATHOLIC. Well, God loves everyone. Even Catholics. then she peruses the rates for a moment So, these are your rates?

Me: Well, the companies rates, as set by the city.

She: What about other companies?

Me: All Ptld based cabs are exactly the same. Any cab you get based outside of the city can charge whatever they choose.

She: I don't believe you. Who can I call that will tell me whether or not you're lying to me?

Me: Whooo. Well, at this time of night, if you want someone you might believe, I'd say call the competition.

She: Why would I call them instead of YOUR company? It's because you're lying to me, right?

Me: Noooo, it's because I didn't think you would believe my company, so if you call the competition they could tell you whether or not I'm lying. Matter of fact, there's a pay phone right there, at the Plaid Pantry if you would like to call them and ask them for another cab because if you call me a liar one more time I'm going to go ahead and let you out of my cab. NOW. Would you like me to take you over there and let you out?

She: Um, no. So, are these stickers on every cab?

Me: Yes, every Portland based cab.

She: Hm. Well, they aren't very big are they?

Me: No one else seems to have any problems.

She: What about people that are blind? Or can't read?

Me: So, you're suggesting that I what ... recite the rates to every single person that gets in my cab on the off chance they can't read?

She: Well, yes. Exactly. I think I might talk to my dad about this. He's a LAWYER you know. He's a Very. Important. Person. You'd better believe me.

Me: Oh. I do. I promise to only run the meter while you're in the cab so you don't tell your daddy I mistreated a good Christian girl like you.

She: Humph. That's all I wanted. A little respect. Drive on.

Me: You and Aretha Franklin sister. We're almost there so how about we don't talk any more so I can concentrate on my driving.

It was one of those nights last night ...

2011-04-05T23:50:00.000-07:00

I started a little late last night (1 a.m.) and this is how my night went:

1) Sent to pick up a guy from outer S.E. that missed his bus due to a bachelor party and needed a ride home, not too far away, and all the other guys were too drunk to drive. After we got the where ya goin' stuff outta the way he starts ... eyeballin' me. He asked me out. Me: How old are you? He: 30. How old are you? Me: 1/2 again as old as you. In the time it took to explain to him how to figure that out I got him home and out of the cab - to his wife.

2) Two blocks away from the last one I got stopped at a light and a young lady on the corner knocked on my passenger side window looking for a ride. She hopped in and had a somewhat desperate look in her eye. She started blabbering right away: "Oh God thank you. Thank you! I missed my last bus, I've been drinking after I got off work and stayed a little late. Oh wow, I am SO glad to see you. If you weren't a girl I'd kiss you right now. I've never seen a girl cab driver before. Has anyone ever kissed you for a ride? I think I might just kiss you anyway. Wow. What a night." I just kept looking at her while driving as she blabbered. It was a long 4 miles.

3) After I dropped her off I was on my way to my next ride and got pulled over for speeding. I was doing about 4 over. Nice enough Officer. He let me go w/a warning.

4) This ride was a drunk lesbian looking to head to the closest open gas station to get more beer so she could sit at home alone and be depressed about the fact that she moved here to be closer to the 2nd largest gay/lesbian population in the country and couldn't find a gf. I told her she was living in the wrong neighborhood. Then she decided to ask me out. After I explained to her that the baseball cap was just to keep my hair out of my eyes and not meant to be any sort of gender identification she decided she was even more depressed. "Now I'm getting turned down by a cab driver of all things ... did God not mean for me to be a lesbian?!!" I stayed away from that one and got her home, quickly.

5) Got sent to the Tualatin Police Dept to get some guy being released at 3:30a-ish. (I'm betting DUI since that's usually the time they're released) I'm tooling down the freeway and got pulled over, again, for speeding. Doing about 5 over this time. Sadly, this officer had a very small sense of humor. As he was standing there looking at my license and cab registration/insurance I asked him if he could give me directions to their shop to pick up dude. He eyeballed me for a minute then gave me directions, handed me my stuff back and let me go w/a warning. Whew.

6) Picked up dude from the p.d. (Yes, DUI) Got new tires on his truck, a bit larger than normal (35's) and it threw off his speedo. Said he was doing about 25 over and truck got impounded. I explained that here in OR if you do anything 20 over the p.d. can impound and arrest. He said he also blew a .12 (.08 is legal). Got him home to his very angry woman (waiting at the door) and drove off.

7) Doing about 5 over the speed limit on the way to the freeway back into town and had an officer pull up behind me and turn his lights on. When I pulled over he pulled up next to me and told me to slow down and drove off.

I decided that was enough tempting fate, I headed back to the lot to turn in the cab. Did under the speed limit the entire way.

"... we'll be all right because I trust in God."

2011-03-27T20:35:00.001-07:00

I might have mentioned a time or two that one of our accounts is to haul the low-income folk to or from their docs and hospitals on our tax dollars. Oddly enough, I seem to get more grief from these people than I do from most others. Here's one from t'other night ...

Sent to pick up a 25 ish year old and her 2 y.o. daughter, going to the hospital round about 3 a.m. ...

She: walking out of the apartment towards me It's about damned time. I've been waiting almost 15 minutes, where the hell have you been?

Me: Well, good morning to you too. We are a little busy. Are you ready to go?

She: Did you NOT hear me say I've been waiting 15 minutes? Of COURSE I'm ready to go. Let me go get my daughter, it might take ME 15 minutes to get back out here and you had BETTER wait for me.

Me: Certainly. I'll wait right here. For a full 5 minutes and then I'm leaving according to the contract we have with Oregon Health Plan.

She: Well, see if I don't call your effin company and complain about you.

Me: Certainly your option. Would you like to do it now while I wait, on your 5 minutes or would you like to do it after you get in the cab?

She: I'll be right back.

And she comes back with her daughter. And no car seat.

Me: Do you have car seat for your daughter?

She: Don't tell me you're going to give me a hard time about that too? We're going to the hospital and I don't want to have to carry it with us.

Me: I'm sorry, I can't take your daughter w/out a car seat. It's the law.

She: Look, it's just down the street and many other drivers let me slide. Please? Look. I'm really sorry what I said earlier, and I won't call and complain about you to the company if you just let me go w/out the car seat. Let's go.

Me: Again, I'm sorry, but I won't take you w/out a car seat. Do you want to go get it?

She: I tell you what ... let's just go. She tried to open the door to the cab but they're all locked. Open the door.

Me: I'm sorry, but no car seat, no ride. It's the law.

She: You don't need to be a bitch about it. Just open the fucking door and take us to the fucking hospital.

Me: Wow. Well, look, I'm sorry if the state of Oregon cares more for your child than you do, but I'm not going to give you a ride unless you go get a car seat.

She: I don't HAVE a fucking car seat! I haven't had one since my daughter was born and nothing has happened so far so I think we'll be all right because I trust in God.

Me: Well, I don't even believe in God so I'm sure you don't want me driving your child around. No car seat, no ride. Have a good night.

She was cussin' me out as I was driving off. Sadly, I have to turn down a lot of rides because people don't have car seats. I don't have children, but I know I would have a car seat if I did. Maybe even more than one. I just ... bah. People.

"... I am not a full service cab driver."

2011-03-25T03:02:00.000-07:00

I got sent to pick up this chunky little hooker from this nasty little hotel and take her to one of the hotels on Interstate. A lot of the guys that stay in the hotels on Interstate are out-of-towners here to work on the ships at Swan Island. Usually welders and whatnot, lots of money and very dirty fellas.

Ride took about 20 minutes and the girl and I were chatting quite a bit, swapping stories (she won 'cuz ... ew). We got on fairly well.

I got her over to the hotel and she called Dude to come down and pay for the cab. Long haired guy, not bad looking but pretty dirty. (He couldn't even take a shower first???)

He: Hey there, what's the damage?

Me: Hi. $22.

He: Here you go. he handed me a $100 bill.

Me: Oh. I don't have change for this. Do you have anything smaller?

He: No, I only have hundreds except for the $40. I have for her.

She: Aren't you required to carry change?

Me: I am, and do, but only for $20., nothing that big. I can give you a ride somewhere to get some change, but I can't break that.

She: Everyone knows that cab drivers have a lot of money, why don't you have change?

Me: Again, I'm not required to carry change for something that big. Everyone knows that hookers have a lot of money, do you have change?

She: HEY! I'm not a hooker, I'm an escort damn it.

Me: OooooOOOooh. Anyway, Dude, you want a ride somewhere?

He: is standing there watching the debate twixt us and smiling Naw. Tell ya what, how about you just keep the change and we call it good.

Me: I would definitely call that good, but really, just let me give you a ride somewhere to make some change. Or hey, I bet the office here will have change.

She: Wait a minute. Honey, can't you just give her the $40. and give me the $100? she starts hugging on his arm and rubbin' on him I'll make it worth your while. I promise. wink wink

Me: Look, I don't care what you guys do, but the meter's still running so could somebody make up their mind 'cuz at least two of us are working here.

She: turns around and glares at me I bet if he had a fifty you could make change, right?

Me: Um, well, no actually. Whatcha wanna do Dude?

She: Wait wait WAIT a minute... you said you have change for a $20 and the cab fare is only $22 so if he were to give you a fifty ...

Me: Jeez. I'm sorry but I'm not smart enough to make 20 and 22 equal 50. And besides, he doesn't have a 50. And looks to me like he's having too much fun watching us argue here. So what's is gonna be Fella?

He: Here, I tell ya what he gives her the room key and tells her to get herself up there, and pulls out his wallet here, just take the hundred. Really. But what I really want to know is if I can have your phone number?

Me: Ah. You have that many girls over here you need a personal cabbie eh? :)

He: Naw. I think I want to see you again, to hell with these whores.

Me: Oh wow. I appreciate the offer, but I am not a full service cab driver.

And I got out before I offended him and lost my tip.

"I know they're just punks, but ... "

2011-03-08T09:06:00.000-08:00

I got a call from a guy that I've picked up before:

He: Hey, are you driving tonight?

Me: Sure. Who and where are you?

He: This is Joe, you picked me up once before. I'm downtown and I need a ride.

Me: OK, I'm sorry but I'm in Gresham, about 1/2 hr away. You're probably better off catching a ride w/someone downtown.

He: Naw. It's all right, I'll wait for you.

Me: ... Reeeally. Why?

He: I remember you were really cool to me before and I want to see you again.

Me: Uh oh.

He: What do you mean?

Me: Just uh oh. No one waits 1/2 an hr downtown, in the cold, at 3 in the morning unless they want something. What is it you want?

He: Nothing. Just a ride. And, well, you were memorable.

Me: Oh Christ. Look, I'll come get you, but no hitting on me, OK?

He: Really? But ... OK.

Me: I'm heading that way, I'll call you when I get downtown.

He: K.

Half an hour later he hops in the cab, in the front and we're off to Lake Oswego. I remember him, cute little guy w/a big truck.

We laugh and joke and he keeps trying to touch me all the way there. "Is this your real hair?" "Do you want something to drink?" "Want to stop at a drive-thru? Anything at all, really." etc.

Christ. Anyway, when we get towards his home in Lake O we slowly pass this car of kids - looks to be 4 boys, backwards hats, driving mommy's Saab. I didn't really get a good look. They are on my side of the cab and eyeball me as we pass. I just wave and keep going. They pop in behind me and start following us. We turn, they turn. I pull over, they pull over. Kinda pissing me off. Dude in cab is drunk and decides he's "gonna take care of these punks". I take off again and pull into
a Plaid around the corner from Joe's house.

Me: I don't want them to follow you home. They're kinda pissing me off.

He: I'll take care of them. and he jumps out of the cab and starts to chase 'em down the street. They take off, go up the street and he hops back in the cab. Told you I'd take care of them, I carry a gun, they aren't going to be chasing you around.

While I'm chewing him out for carrying a gun when he's drunk and trying to be stupid the kids pull up at the stop sign behind us and turn off their lights and wait for us to pull out. Now I'm getting concerned, not just pissed. Between them and him ...

Me: Hey Joe, can you go in and get me a bottle of water? I'm really thirsty.

He: Sure Babe, be right back.

Me: calling 911 Hey there. My name is Trixie and I drive for Trixie Cab, I'm in Lake Oswego and have some kids following me around. Have been for almost 10 minutes. They're parked behind me now w/their lights off waiting for me to pull out of the Plaid at etc etc ... and look, the guy in my cab is drunk and has a gun on him. Someone is going to get hurt if these kids keep effing around.

She gets the particulars from me and Joe gets back in the cab (with a GALLON of water :) and he hears me talking to her so he looks over to where I tell her the kids are and jumps out of the cab and runs after them again. I tell her what's going on. The kids flip a bitch in the middle of the road and take off. Joe stumbles back to the cab and gets in. I'm still talking to her and the kids come back and drive right behind me in the parking lot - blocking my way out. Laughing. Now I can see they're just kids.

He: Look, they're just punk kids. This is what we do in Lake O when we're bored, we drive around the lake 2X and if we don't find any trouble to get into then we just go home.

Me: I know they're just punks, but someday they're going to mess w/the wrong person. And now I can't go anywhere because they're blocking my way out. Can't you rich kids get a *hobby* or something? Damn.

He: I'll get them out of here. I grab his shoulder as he opens the cab door to keep him in the cab and she gets concerned over whether or not there's going to be a problem. I tell her no, the kids are driving off as he opened the door.

Me: They pulled away from the cab but they stopped at the corner next to the Plaid and are waiting for me.

She: There's an officer right around the corner, should be there any second.

And they were. Pulled over the kids. She told me they would call me if they needed me. I took off w/Joe and got him home. Had to fend off his friendly hands.

I made the newspaper for a story I wrote.

2011-03-01T04:31:00.000-08:00

And didn't even know it. I can't decide whether to be flattered that I made the paper or feel like an idiot for not writing more stories. :)

You can follow the link here if you're interested, article was dated Jan 2011:

http://www.oregonlive.com/washingtoncounty/index.ssf/2011/01/the_fit_the_devout_and_the_goo.html

Me

Dragons and Skulls and Swords, oh my ...

2011-02-14T11:06:00.000-08:00

I got this idea from some Dude's shirt in my cab one night. I really, really like this one. O' course, I'm a bit biased.

If anyone is interested I've started a blog just for the stuff I draw. The link is over there ------>

Ya never know, I might come up w/a story some day.

Not much, tonight's picture ...

2010-12-29T09:20:00.001-08:00

"Why are you trying to take me to your HOUSE?"

2010-12-28T08:06:00.001-08:00

I got sent to outer SE Division fairly early one morning to pick up Dude that woke up late and missed his bus so he had to call a cab to get to work on time. He hopped in the cab, up front ...

He: Hey, wow I'm glad you got here so quickly. I'm going to be late for work if I wait for the next bus, can you get me to St. V's in about 35 minutes?

Me: Might be cutting it close, but I'll see what I can do.

He: Cool. Man. I'm so tired. I stayed up drinking with some friends last night and didn't get to sleep until about 1.

Me: Yeah, I'm kinda tired myself, it's been a long night.

He: Yeah, me too. You know where you're going right? I think I'm going to try and sleep unless you need me to give directions.

Me: Nah. I got it. You can sleep.

He: Cool.

He falls asleep and is snoring quiet. We're tooling along on the freeway and I'm driving on autopilot, yawning from my long night, but not dangerous tired (I nap if I get to that point). Picked a good time to get a quiet passenger.

I head around downtown on 405 to get to the Beaverton/Hwy 26 exit and shoot off onto the 6th st. exit into downtown. Totally wrong exit. It takes me a minute to realize I'm not going home but have someone in my cab. Oops.

Me: Shit! out loud

He: Dude woke up when I spoke Wha? What's going on?

Me: Oh man, I took the wrong exit.

He: Wha ... why are we downtown?

Me: I took the wrong exit. I was on autopilot and took the wrong exit.

He: looks at me suspiciously Is this the only wrong turn you've taken while I was sleeping?

Me: Look, I understand that you're suspicious but I just took a wrong exit. This is the only one I've taken so far, it's all been freeway. You still have about 15 minutes to get to work so we couldn't have gone too far out of the way. The freeway exit is just up Clay St a few blocks, I'll cut $5.00 off the fare when we get there, this is my mistake. Sorry.

He: is still looking at me like I wanna live inside his skin OK. Why would you take this exit anyway?

Me: I live just around the corner from here and thought I was going home.

He: Why are you trying to take me to your HOUSE?!!

Me: I'm not trying to take you to my house, again, it's just a habit. I don't mean anything by it. Everyone has to live somewhere, right?

He: reaches up to try and open the door ... my cab has auto-locks on it, once we're in drive the doors lock Why is this door locked???

Me: Dude, don't freak out. Autolocks. It's all right, really. I'm not going to sacrifice you to the cab Gods, I just took the wrong exit. I'm really sorry. If you feel the need to jump out of the cab while we're driving I can just let you out here and you can find another cab.

He: No ... I only have a few minutes to get to work.

Me: OK, look, we're at the exit now. We'll be there in like, 8 minutes. You all right?

He: Yeah.

Me: Bet ya aren't tired any longer tho huh?! :)

He just glared at me.

Heh ... got him there in about that time. He could NOT get outta the cab fast enough.

"Well. OK, I did call a cab, but I didn't call you."

2010-12-07T02:28:00.000-08:00

I get sent to a strip joint to get one of the girls, apparently she had to wait awhile because she sounded like she’d been imbibing while waiting. I call her number ….

Me: Hey there. This is your taxi, do you still need a ride?

She: Wait. What? WHO is this?

Me: This is your taxi. Do you. Still need. A ride?

She: Noooo. I didn’t call a cab.

Me: looking at the order on the screen Ah. Sorry. This is the number I have to reach Anya.

She: Well. I am Anya. But I didn’t call a cab. How did you get this number?

Me: The voices in my head told me to call you.

She: … What? WHO is this?

Me: Again. This is your taxi. You called a taxi, I showed up to give you a ride. That’s how it works. sometimes you need to be specific w/the inebriated.

She: Weeeelll, OK. I did call a cab, but I didn’t call YOU. My driver already showed up, with my name and phone number on his screen. I don’t think you’re a cab driver. I want to know who exactly you are and why you are calling me this late. RIGHT now.

Me: Ah. So apparently you called both companies. there are only 2 in town with computer screens Have a good night.

She: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I want to know who you are.

Me: I told you, I’m your cab driver.

She: You sound like a woman.

Me: … so do you.

She: Don’t be a smart ass.

Me: Sorry. Just stating the obvious as you did.

She: …

Me: Did you get the text message that your cab was on the way?

She: Is THAT what that was all about?

Me: Yes. So you would have my cab number and didn’t get in the wrong cab when more than one of us showed up. Modern technology, gotta love it.

She: Why is your number blocked?

Me: It’s my personal number. I don’t give it to everyone.

She: So how am I supposed to call you back to prove that you’re a cab driver?

Me: Do you really need to “prove” I’m a cab driver?

She: Yes. It’s 3 in the morning and you‘re calling me. I want to make sure you are who you say you are.

Me: So, I give you my number, you call me back, I tell you that I am actually a cab driver, of course you believe me because I tell you I am and then what … you are going have the cab you are in turn around and come back here so you can get in my cab?

She: Of course not. Why would I?

Me: Exactly. So why would I give you my number?

She: …

Me: Have a good night. click

Wanna know what makes your cabbie smile?!

2010-08-01T19:01:00.000-07:00

Winning these on the Bay of evil.

And now I MUST have the 5 different types out there. We'll see about the Sabbath ones. I've never really been a fan but hey, they're Chucks and they are kinda cool. :)

I've seen and heard some nasty things in my cab over the years ...

2010-07-18T11:25:00.000-07:00

but until last night I've never had anyone ask me to pull over so they could check the ripeness of the dead 'possum laying in the road for edibility.

Ew.

My ongoing love of church signs ....

2010-06-22T01:40:00.001-07:00

Everytime someone famous moves to Portland ...

2010-05-15T23:09:00.000-07:00

... they make a big stink about it in the papers.

So we got another celebrity (for now, nameless) that has moved here to help out our floundering economy. Which would be great if:

when he took a cab here a month ago and had the driver tool him around all day long trying to find someone that could cash a check but couldn't, and of course, being a big Hollywood star, has no cash

then not only couldn't pay that driver, but when the driver got in trouble for going over in lease time he went into the cab company the next day to explain all this in hopes of not getting driver in trouble and possibly stopping any police action that might occur

then it only took him another 2 days to pay that driver, through the company.

Welcome to Oregon, Hollywood.

And just so ya know, it's none of the "Leverage" folk that are hanging about town while filming. Thankfully. Think I'd have a crying fit t'were it Christian Kane. :)

And sometimes I'm just right ...

2010-04-19T11:13:00.000-07:00

Last night was my night for drunken white boy hook ups. Or trying to hook up, I suppose. These things seem to come in waves and last night was just the night for these guys. Here's one (of 3) that tried to get me to "hang out" with them throughout the night:

Got sent to the Gateway MAX (lightrail) station early this morning to pick up a young man that missed his last bus. This is about 2a. I track him down and he hops in the front w/me.

Me: Hey there. How ya doin'?

He: Not so good, ya know?

Me: Missed your last bus didja?

He: How'd you know?

Me: Happens a lot, this time of the night. Where we off to?

He: 136th and SE Powell. How much do you think that's going to be?

Me: Oh, about $15.

He: That much?

Me: That's a high estimate. You'd be happy w/less, right?

He: Yeah. Let me count my money and make sure I have enough.

Me: K. I'll just pull over here while you count.

He: What? You don't trust me. That's cold. Pretty girl like you don't trust someone as good-looking as me. Just a shame.

Me: It's a shame that you think that since you think you're good-looking that will make a difference in whether or not you're trustworthy.

So he pulls out his cash and starts counting. He has a handful. All in twenties near as I can tell. And he thinks he's being cute about it....

He: Uh-oh. I don't know if THIS twenty will be enough. What about THIS one? Or THESE? as he's saying this he's putting them about 3 inches from my face to make sure I get that he has money.

Me: Yeah, I get it. We're going.

He: still looking Oh no. I don't think this HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL will be enough, huh.

Me: Now you're just being an ass. And you're getting less good-looking every time you stick another bill in my face so stop it.

He: All right. All right. Maybe I've had a little too much to drink tonight. But I'm still a good person. And pretty cute too, you have to admit.

Me: You might have been, before all that, not any longer.

He: C'mon now girl. You're way too pretty to be that angry.

Me: Oh, I'm not angry. Disappointed maybe, but not angry. And before you ask, I'm disappointed that once again it's been proven that personality takes away from looks.

He: with a real confused look on his face I don't get it.

Me: It's OK Sweetie and I pat him on the cheek I didn't expect you to. grin

He: responding to the smile Wow. You wanna hang out with me?

Me: Oh wow. Thanks, but no.

He: What? Am I not hot enough for you?

Me: I think we've been through this already. Besides, I don't hang w/people that live in your area.

He: What do you mean?

Me: It's 2a. You've got, conservatively, 2K in your pocket and you live at 136th/Powell. I'm guessing you're a drug dealer.

He: What?? Why?

Me: Aren't you?

He: Why would you say that? I just moved there.

Me: Are you from Portland?

He: Born and raised.

Me: Then you know the area and you moved there anyway. Drug dealer.

He: Wait a minute ... that's ... that's ...

Me: Profilin'. Yup.

He: You can't do that.

Me: Am I wrong?

He: after a few seconds Of course you're wrong.

Me: OK. I apologize. If you aren't anyway.

He: What's your name?

Me: Trixie. Yours?

He: Aaron. Double A. Like the battery. I go all night long. grin grin

Me: You did NOT just compare yourself to a battery. Is that the BEST you can do? At least claim you're a double D so a girl doesn't automatically think you're one of the smaller batteries. C'mon now.

He: My house is near here, just drop me off here. I don't want you to see which house I live in.

Me: just smiling at him K.

He: Are you sure you don't wanna hang out w/me? We could have a good time. You might like me.

Me: Again, thanks. But no. I'm working here.

He: Give me one good, LEGITIMATE reason why you won't go out with me.

Me: Honestly?

He: Of course.

Me: You only tipped me 50 cents.

He: Uh ... but ... all right. Nevermind.

Me: Bye, Junior.

I drive off and get a call about 20 blocks away which turns out to be the same lady I had before w/the 57 nieces and nephews. I get to her house and she comes out, drunk, and says she's going to basically the same area where I just dropped off.

She's chattering away about being a "functioning alcoholic" and how her husband is sending her to buy pot so he can relax. We get to where she's going (thankfully, pretty quickly) and pull up to the house she points out to me.

NEVER guess who answered the door to sell her some pot. :) Yup.

Sometimes, I'm just right. Heh.

You really must learn to form an opinion ...

2010-04-16T23:44:00.003-07:00

Saw this while toolin' around t'other morning:

welcome to southeast Portland.

Inasmuch as my fares aren't all that amusing to me any longer ...

2010-01-19T05:34:00.000-08:00

Occasionally I still have some sort of smart ass remark to make.

Got sent to the Greek Village to pick up 2 girls and a guy. They were walking to the cab arguing about boobs when I got out and opened the back drivers door to help them in the cab.

Me: Hey there. Ya'll need to get in on this side.

The girls hopped in but the guy walked around to the other side, which was locked.

Girl1: Isn't that just like a guy? Doesn't listen at all.

Me: Yeah. I was thinking about putting a big ol' neon arrow with a sign that says "This is my clit" just to see if they would be able to find that side of the car at all.

The girls were rolling on the floor laughing by the time the guy got around to the driver side. He looked me up and down then:

He: Hey. Wanna make out?

Me: Wow. That's quite an offer there Junior but you obviously can't follow direction what in the world would make me think you would be any good at making out??

The ride only got more interesting from there.

Note: Yes, I'm still here. Just working though, not much else. Things have changed w/the economy and people are much angrier and as I've said before, they aren't amusing me as much as they used to. I'll see what I can come up with though.

Cheers!

Gotsta share ...

2009-12-05T07:43:00.000-08:00

Following the Civil War, when Duck fans stormed the field...

Girl: I wouldn't want to be caught in that. Crowds like that are so dangerous.
Guy 1: They're Oregonians for chrissake. What are they going to do, drive slowly in the left lane?
Guy 2: Hot box you?
Guy 3: Force you to compost?

- South Waterfront apartment
-- Overheard by Stefan

I got this from here --> http://overheardinpdx.blogspot.com/

Couldn't decide whether to look or not ...

2009-09-17T07:57:00.000-07:00

Sent to pick up a lady at 4 this morning in this nasty area of town, in a nasty apartment complex that if I wasn't forced to go to I wouldn't. She lives off in the corner, upstairs with no lights and it's very, very scary-quiet.

I walk by her next door neighbor's apt, the window is open but no lights on inside and I hear a girl say:

I swear to God if you make me get on my knees and lick that shit up One. More. Time. I am going to kick your ass, I don't care HOW much money you have!!

I was just a little intrigued. heh

"Girl, I have 57 nieces and nephews!"

2009-07-19T18:20:00.000-07:00

I got sent to pick up an older (47) lady at 2a. She's called 3 times in the 10 minutes it takes me to get there (a message pops up on our computer when the customer calls back, as long as they aren't cancelling, that's a different msg). I'm going to cut this one down because a LOT was said in this 30 minute ride.

She: Girl! Damn am I glad to see you.

Me: Hi. In a hurry are ya?

She: Whatcha mean?

Me: I see that you called back 3X in the last 10 minutes so I figured you were in a hurry. Where we off to?

She: 92nd off Flavel. You know the area?

Me: Yup. Nasty little area this time of the night, sure you want to go there?

She: Yeah. I have to go visit one of my nephews.

Me: Ah. And he's up this time of the night?

She: Of course Girl, he's 34. He's always up this time of the night.

Me: Ah. OK. It was quiet for a few. So, one of your nephews? How many do you have?

She: Girl, I have 57 nieces and nephews!

Me: Seriously? You have like 30 brothers and sisters?

She: Sheeeit Girl. I got 6 brothers and sisters.

Me: Holy shit. Your family is BUSY. How many children do you have?

She: None.

Me: How'd that happen?

She: I just never wanted any. How many you got?

Me: None. Haven't found the right guy, ya know?

She: I know. My nephew is single. He's living with a girl now, but I'm sure he'd be interested in you and he's a proven stud.

Me: Oh wow. Thanks for the hook up, but I don't think so. But just outta curiosity, how "proven"?

She: Girl, he's fine. Females on his ass all the time. He's got 17 kids.

Me: snort Seriously? Guess that's proven all right. Must be a big assed house we're going to visit he's got 17 kids.

She: Ah hail no Girl, none of his kids LIVE with him. Sheeeeit. He got 13 different baby momma's.

I swear I spit Mtn Dew out my nostrils at that one.

Me: What the ... ? Seriously?? What's the child support payments in his household look like? Damn.

She: Lazy bastard don't work. Never has a day in his life. .......

Upshot ... this guy moves from girl to girl, making babies and living off the woman and their welfare until she gets too bothersome or he finds a "better" one and moves on. Has done this his entire adult life. And turns out has a brother a few years younger that has almost as many.

And just to make it a little more entertaining, we were going to the nephews house so she could sell him some of her food stamps because she needed beer money. That's why she was in a hurry, can't buy beer after 2:30a here in Portland.

I weep for our future.

And my sanity.

:o)

Phone conversation with another driver ...

2009-06-21T09:16:00.000-07:00

... male, Ethiopian, amusing and easily understood (!).

blah blah blah ...

He: Yeah. That's one of the reasons why I prefer American women to African.

Me: Hm. What is? Exactly.

He: African women talk to each other about men too much.

Me: You mean gossip? We all do that, it's a human thing, not just man/woman.

He: Yeah, but African women get more detailed. Once you sleep with one woman and she finds out you have a small dick then she tells every other woman in the country and you never have sex again.

Me: admirably suppressing my laughter Hunh. And you're thinking white women aren't like that? Maybe we just don't have as large a group of friends as the ladies in Africa.

He: Maybe. I don't think so.

blah blah blah

He: So are you EVER going to go out with me?

Me: Not now that I've found out you have a small dick, no.

heh

text msg conversation with a customer ...

2009-06-13T02:06:00.000-07:00

fade in: I picked up these 2 young fellas from Tigard and took them to Sherwood, in the cab for about 15 minutes. They were pretty quiet so I was telling 'em some cab stories. Between the 2 of them they said - maybe - 30 words the whole ride. This was about 1am Friday night.

2:51am

Little Boy: Hey

Me: Hey yourself.

3:53am

LB: How is it going

Me: Do you realize who you are texting?

LB: Yeah

Me: Hunh. Looking for more cab stories?

LB: I want some story about you

Me: Little boy I am old enough to turn you over my knee and spank your narrow ass.

LB: Yeah would you like that

Me: You might want to stop this now.

LB: Yeah right lol

Me: Seriously. I'm old enough to be your mommy.

LB: How old i like them old

Me: Too old. Isn't it past your bedtime little boy?

LB: I'm not a kid 21 so what up

I picked up a customer so couldn't respond right away ...

LB: You dont want it then

Me: As appealing as you make IT sound, no. Thank you.

LB: What

LB: Ill make it worth it baby

Me: Hm. So now I'm Baby huh? Doll, this stuff doesn't work on me. Go find a cute young girl to play with.

LB: Why not you

Me: I think sublety isn't working. Thanks for the enticing offer, but no.

LB: Ok

I thought that would be the end of it but nooooOOOOOoooo ... next night, 12:35am

LB: Hey sexy

Me: Oh Lord. You couldn't find anyone else to play with?

LB: No i want to play with you

Me: C'mon now, why me?

LB: Cause i like old gales (sic) and i want you

Me: Trust me, you don't want me.

LB: So what do you think

Me: I think not.

LB: Ok peace i just wanted a peace of ass anyways

Me: I assumed. Good luck with that little boy.

It's been a whole week now, no new messages. I think I've been rejected. ;o)

Not a story, but funny stuff for you ...

2009-05-09T10:25:00.000-07:00

I'll be back to story-ing soon ... just quit my 2nd job and am now just driving again. While I build up some stories ya'll should check out these sights. ;o)

1) http://textsfromlastnight.com - what it sounds like, people send in their texts from last night. Who can argue with stuff like this:

(918): Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
(515): I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.

or this:

(310): im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon

2) http://oicollege.com - Only In College, The stories you'll never tell your parents.

3) http://www.superdickery.com/ - some dude takes covers or frames from old comics and makes comments.

Enjoy. Be back soon ...

Ya know how you have the perfect response if some wild situation EVER comes up ... ?

2009-03-07T16:37:00.001-08:00

Well, it happened!!

Sitting in the office one night, twiddling my thumbs (playing Pinball on the 'puter as we don't have 'net access) when I get a call.

Me: Trixie Cab, this is Trixie.

He: Hey Trixie, this is Habib. (NOT his real name)

Me: Hey Habib. What's shakin'?

He: I'm locked in my car.

Me: Yeah, right. What's really going on?

He: No. I'm serious. I'm locked in my car.

Me: thinking this guy has never really joked with me before so he might be serious Um, your cab?

He: No personal car.

Me: ... Seriously?

He: I'm not kidding you.

Me: Dude ... you're locked IN your car??

He: As silly as that sounds, yes.

Me: Well hell. Is the top down?? this is the one I've had stored up for years, I'm sure you've all heard various blonde jokes about this situation.

He: Um ... what?

Me: Sorry, American humor, you wouldn't get it. So, where you at?

He: In the parking lot.

Me: What kinda car you got? he told me And what is it you're expecting me to do? I'm guessing your keys are in there with you, yes?

He: Yeah.

Me: Can you roll the windows down? I couldn't help it ... this was some funny shit!!

He: Come on now Trixie, I have no power to my car. The doors are locked, no windows, etc. Can you come out here, please?

Me: Sure, but what do you want me to do ... break a window?

He: NO! I have a set of spare keys in the cab, it's still running in front of where I'm parked. Just come get them and let me out.

Me: Hunh. All right. Be right there.

As I was walking out there he came running up, apparently the back door was unlocked so he crawled through the seats to get out.

This amused the bejesus outta me.

Yes, I'm fine ...

2009-02-18T11:33:00.001-08:00

just really busy!

I'm thinking of starting yet another blog about the joys I'm having with all these drivers trying to set me up with their friends. Yup. Loads o' fun there. Ya'll remember what fun it was when you were dating, before you got married, attached, whatever? I was flying along happily in my ignorance until I started working in the office and actually dealing with people for more than just a few minutes at a time. Now I'm interacting. And apparently, pathetically single. So all these guys are trying to find me a man. This is loads of fun. Here's one:

One of the drivers is arguing with a friend on the phone about where he is at that moment. We're in the break room at work, about 10 of us, just kinda killing time, doing paperwork, that kinda stuff. He's a little loud. As I walk by him he tells me to tell the guy where he is at right now and holds the phone out to me. I lean down, real close to the phone and say:

Me: Baby, come back to bed, I NEED you NOW!!

The guy with the phone freaks out! Heh.

Me: Good thing that wasn't your girlfriend, huh?!

And I walk off.

So about 5 minutes later he walks up to me and hands me his phone:

Dr: He wants to talk to you.

Me: Who?

Dr: My friend. He thinks you have a great voice.

Me: I don't wanna talk to ANY friend of yours.

Dr: Come on. I can't talk to the guy, he won't shut up about you.

Me: Aw jeez. All right. 'Lo?

He: Hi! My name is Mike. What's yours?

Me: Your friend didn't tell you?

He: Well, yeah. He did.

Me: ... then why you asking? I don't make ANYthing easy.

He: Um. Well ...

Me: Don't work to well under pressure do you?

He: I ... wait. What?

Me: Nevermind. What's up?

He: I want to meet you.

Me: Well, let's not waste any time here. How about I get your number from your friend and call you later? I'm actually working here.

He: Yes. That's great! Call me later.

Me: All right. Toodles.

So I get Dude's number and call him about 8p last night.

Me: Hey, it's Trixie. You busy?

He: No! Wow. I didn't think you'd call.

Me: Why, are you heinous?

He: Am I what?

Me: Ugly? Deformed? Socially unacceptable?

He: Um ... I'm not ugly.

Me: snort All right. I'll let you go on this one. What's going on?

He: Where are you at?

Me: Home. How about you?

He: I'm giving a friend a ride home. Can I stop by your house?

Me: Hell no.

He: ... what?

Me: Hell. No. What part of that don't you understand?

He: Why not?

Me: Seriously? I haven't met you, why would I let you come to my house?

He: I just want to meet you.

Me: How about we decide if we like each other on the phone before we get to the going-to-your-home part, eh?

He: Ok. So ... can I stop by?

Me: I'm done talking to you.

He: What? Why?

Me: You're an idiot. And I don't talk to idiots. Unless I'm getting paid for it that is.

He: So ... that mean I can't come by?

Me: Good bye. and I hung up the phone

Jeez.

So he called me back about 5 minutes later. As if once wasn't enough.

Me: Hello?

He: Hey, it's Mike. Sorry, I just dropped off my friend. We've been drinking since about 3 this afternoon and he was getting a little loud.

Me: So this is the socially unacceptable part, right?

He: What do you mean?

Me: Not only are you an idiot for not understanding what the word "no" means but you drink and drive as well, eh?

He: Heh. Ok. Maybe. Can I come over?

Me: click

And he's called me about 10 times since then. I'm only concerned that he's going to show up at work while I'm there like the last one did. I'll tell you about that one some other time.

Gawd, I love being single. :o)

Hey now, remember me?? :o)

2009-01-18T23:50:00.000-08:00

I got sent to a retirement facility to pick up this tiny little lady and take her to go play bingo not too long ago. I had to go to her door to fetch her, the instructions say "Be careful, 93 yo, moves slow but very independent". Okee Dokee.

I wander on up and knock on her door. She opens it and she is just the cutest, tiniest little old lady I've ever seen. She's got her hair and make up all done up, her big sparkly BINGO sweatshirt on, a big ol' smile and some strappy 4 inch heels. Nothing else.

I'm just standing there ... whooooooa.

Me: Oh. Well now, hello there.

She: Hi Honey. I'm ready.

Me: Are you sure??

She: Oh yes dear.

Me: You realize you forgot something there, right? As I'm saying this I'm pointing downwards towards her nekkid legs.

She: cackling like a biker that's been smoking 2 packs a day for the last 50 years HA! Just wanted to see if you'd notice!

Me: Well, jeez. Ok. I noticed. Now go put some drawers on, it's cold outside.

She: cackling s'more I like you Honey. I got something to show you.

Me: Something else?!

She: cackling again Hold on a second. She scoots herself and her little ol' walker around to where her backside is facing me: Now do you think these shoes make my legs look longer?? She asks as she's looking over her shoulder at me.

Me: Ya know, I think they'd look a whole lot longer if ya GO PUT SOME PANTS ON!!

She just laughs at me again and asks me to wait for her. She told me some fairly interesting stories about her life.

I like to think that if I make it to the age of 93 I'll have earned the right to wander 'round w/out my drawers. I don't plan on inflicting that on anyone, but I'll have definately earned the right.

This is an old one I never published 'cuz it's sad ...

2008-12-12T15:12:00.000-08:00

When I worked for the other cab company (Brand X.) they didn't track how much we drove, when, where, or much of anything else for that matter. I kept my cab at home and drove whenever I got the urge, day or night, etc.

Early one morning last June I got sent to pick up the lady from the Marriott on Front St to take her to OHSU for her 'treatment'. This had been my 1st time getting her, but apparently she had a short term acct with us, she was in town for 2 wks getting some serious tests done and was going to Pill Hill to every single 4 hrs for a week so they could check the results. Her husband rode with her each time, holding her hand the whole way. She was weak, but in good spirits. I caught her on the last 2 days of her trips to the hospital and ended up readjusting my scheduled to pick her up every time so we had a lot of time to talk. They were a sweet couple. They ended up leaving the next day.

About a month later I get a call from her saying she was coming back to town for a bit and was wondering if I could pick her up from the airport and drive her around. Of course I did.

They're from Maine, long way from home. Her husband has to work and watch the kids this time, but he's calling her every couple of hrs to see how she is doing.

We have a bit more time to talk w/out her husband there. She tells me about how they were high school loves (in Texas) that lost touch, ran into each other on the street one day (in Montana) and reconnected 15 yrs later. Neither had children (and not from lack of trying) but were both married. They got divorced and married the day after both divorces were final then found out they were to be parents, to twins, a few months later. They are both madly in love with each other and their lives. It was a sweet story, and you could tell by her face she loved telling it.

She's only in town for a week and had one free day one so I took her around Ptld. Talking to her I found out she is an avid gardener and loves everything to do with plants so I took her up to the Rose Gardens, the Japanese Gardens (which, if you haven't seen, I highly recommend. It's a magical place) and out to Multnomah Falls. By the time we got to the falls she was moving a lot slower but still wanted to walk to the base and look at them. I got her back to the hospital not too long after that. She only stayed for another 2 days, but said she would call me when she came back to town the next month as the dr's said she was getting better and wouldn't have to be back for awhile. I took her to the airport one beautiful sunny day and was already talking to her about the places I would take her when she came back.

About 2 wks later her husband called me. She had peacefully died in her sleep the night before and she requested that he send me an airline ticket to get me out there and back for the funeral and that he give me a bit of money for driving her around that day as I wouldn't take any money from her then. I respectfully declined - she told me about their finances along with everything else we talked about. He also told me how she talked repeatedly about her last trip to Ptld and how much she enjoyed driving around with me, listening to my funny stories and anecdotes. She also asked that I forgive her for lying to me about getting better, but she didn't want to put a pall on our time.

He thanked me, repeatedly, for taking care of her while she was here as he couldn't be here due to work and kids. He said many, many other things that I couldn't really understand because he was crying almost as hard as I.

I'll never forget sweet Dauphine, and her incredible love for life and family.

"That crazy bitch called the cops on me!"

2008-12-09T02:00:00.000-08:00

So I've added some odd little responsibilities to my cab driving, now I'm somewhat of a supervisor for the drivers. I'm dealing with them on a whole new level as well as being a fellow driver. Interesting dynamics, lemmetellya. One of the things that happens is that I'm getting all kinds of calls asking me all kinds of questions. I get a call Saturday night, while I'm driving from a driver (who also happens to be one of the guys that I spend quite a bit of time talking to):

He: You aren't going to believe what just happened to me.

Me: Shoot.

He: I picked up this lady, to take her just a couple of miles. She wasn't in the cab for more than 5 minutes and she was ALL over me. Would not leave me alone. Telling me "I love your voice", "You smell so good", "Your voice is really turning me on". And the like.

Me: Ho boy. You expect me to believe this, right? this happens more often than you would believe ... well, I mean, to the GUYS as well. :o)

He: I'm not kidding! And it gets worse.

Me: OK, but keep to the facts, please.

He: It's all true!! So I get her to her home and she asks me to help her carry her stuff in the house.

Me: You didn't ... ?

He: No! But I carried it to her door. She asked me to come in but I said no and left. She was really freaking me out. A little scary.

Me: Yeah. So that's the end of it?

He: No! She called dispatch a little while ago and said that she had left some stuff in the back of my cab.

Me: Don't tell me ... she wanted you to come back, right??

He: YES!! I told them I wouldn't go back there 'cuz she was crazy and didn't leave anything in my cab, but she left her number and they told me I had to call her. She was begging me to come back and finish what I started!!

Me: You mean with your sexy voice and all that??

He: Yes! She's nuts, I'm telling you.

Me: So what happened?

He: I hung up on her. See what I mean? I knew you wouldn't believe me.

Me: Ah. OK. So that's where it ended?

He: Yes.

Me: Well, as long as you don't call her back you should be all right.

He: Oh, I won't. Believe that.

nah nah nah .... 5 minutes later ... he calls me again ...

He: So she called dispatch and told them she found her stuff. They sent me a message telling me I was off the hook.

Me: Then I guess you're covered. Ya might wanna tone down that sex appeal though. Just a thought.

He: Ha. Ha.

nah nah nah ... 10 minutes later ...

He: She called me back! Like ... 15 times!! I'm not answering the phone, what do I do??

Me: Oh wow. Dude, I had no idea you were THAT sexy! heh Ahem. Don't answer. That's all I can tell you. Unless you wanna call the cops and tell 'em you're being stalked I don't imagine there's much you can do.

He: She's really starting to annoy me. I just might answer the phone and tell her off, crazy bitch!

Me: Now don't be doing that. Then she'd be able to call the company and complain about you. Just keep ignoring her.

He: Yeah. I guess you're right. I'm taking someone to a bar in Vancouver, I'll call you when I get done.

Me: Toodles.

nah nah nah ... 20 minutes later ...

He: She called the cops on me!!

Me: Wait, WHAT?

He: That crazy bitch called the cops on me! Told them I stole her stuff and wouldn't give it back or answer my phone.

Me: Whoa. So I'm assuming they called you, what do they want? The police I mean.

He: I have to go back down there and show them her stuff isn't in my car.

Me: Seriously? How are they going to know you didn't just toss it in the river on the way down?

He: I don't know. What do I do?

Me: Well, what did you tell them you'd do? Did you say you'd go down there?

He: Yeah. I mean, I have to, don't I?

Me: Well, I'm guessing if you called them back and told them to call dispatch and ask them about her calling and saying that she found her stuff you'd probably be off the hook pretty quick.

He: ... I forgot all about that! Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'll call you right back.

nah nah nah ... upshot ...

They called dispatch. They were able to tell them everything about where he picked her up, dropped off, how long he was there and about her calling back. He was off the hook for that one.

People are nuts sometimes, I tell ya.

I got a phone call this morning ...

2008-10-27T09:23:00.000-07:00

'round about 3. It went like this:

He: Is this Trixie the cab driver?

Me: Yup. Can I help you?

He: I don't know if you'll remember me but you gave me a ride home about a week ago. I was really drunk ... ?

Me: Doesn't really narrow it down for me, did you do anything specific that made you memorable?

He: You said I was sufficiently hot. That ring a bell?

Me: No I didn't. I would never say something like that.

He: You did. I SWEAR.

Me: Wait ... wait ... I'm getting a flash here ... I said you were incipiently hot.

He: You said ... wait ... what? What's that mean?

Me: You were almost hot but not quite there yet. But that's neither here or there. You in need of a ride?

He: Yeah. Can you come get me?

Me: Possibly. Where and when?

He: I'm at the Justice Center downtown. And I'm hoping soon.

Me: Ah. Gotcherfineself arrested didja?

He: Yeah. Something stupid. Can you come and get me?

Me: Sure. Be about ... 15. That work for ya?

He: Yes. Please! Oh, and ... well ... ummmm ...

Me: Spit it out. Wassup?

He: Well, I'm hoping you can bail me out.

Me: ...

He: Still there?

Me: You're shittin' me right?

He: No. I don't know who else to call. Pleeeeeeease??

Me: There has GOT to be someone else you can call.

He: No. I tried my folks, they aren't answering the phone. My friends aren't allowed to have their phones on this late. I'm stuck here and need some help!

Me: Well, I'm certainly not going to bail you out of jail BUT I will drive to your folks house and try to wake them up. You're off South Shore drive in Lake O right?

He: Really? You'd do that?! Oh wow ... that is so cool of you!

etc etc

I woke up his folks. They weren't exactly happy, but they were glad I went 'n got them up.

I walked in on the middle of a conversation this a.m. ...

2008-10-21T07:34:00.000-07:00

while getting gas at the Shell station, and I'm sure the first part of this conversation had to have been fascinating. Two ppl behind the counter, one foreign girl and American guy and customer, a National Guard guy.

She: You know who I think should be President?? Steven Seagal. I think he'd kick ass all over those foreigners.

Color me intrigued.

He1: Yeah!! Good choice! What about Schwarzeneggar? Didn't you see "Predator"?? He would totally kick Seagal ass AND the rest of the world.

She: Yeah, too bad he can't be president because he wasn't born here. I can't believe that's a LAW.

NGguy: You know the problem is that we live in the cesspool of the world. That's what I'm here for ... to clean up this country and make it what it used to be ... SAFE for the American people.

I was just standing there smiling at them all. Apparently it didn't look like a genuine smile 'cuz the guy behind the counter had to ask me who I thought should be President.

Me: Aw hell. I'm thinking that if you ppl are going to elect another actor into office it should be Chuck Norris, 'cuz really, who has EVER beat him? No one.

All of them agreed with me. It was quiet for a second while I paid for my fuel so I had to ask:

Me: Are ya'll planning on voting next month?

Two behind the counter said no. Nat Guard guy said yes.

Me: looking at the two behind the counter It's a damned shame you two aren't voting.

And I left.

Yeah, well, HERE'S some attitude for ya!

2008-10-15T10:04:00.000-07:00

Hey ya'll, more thoughts on the last post. It started out as a rebuttal, and I was just going to leave a comment, but it got to be too much and decided to post it here for ya'll to have your say.

Yes, our co is much larger. We generally have about 4-5 dispatchers at any given time and all they do is answer the phone. We have about 20 people in our office to deal w/everything else and a lot lizard to deal directly w/the drivers. They hand out spare cars, do inspections, that sorta stuff so we rarely talk to the dispatchers other than on the radio.

Our dispatchers are not given any sort of power over us because our company understands that without drivers there would be no company. Yes, there are limits, and yes, we are certainly expendable, and Lord know there are plenty of people in line to take our jobs, but for the most part the drivers really are the important part of the company.

I don't know how this person comes off on the radio but I know that most of the dispatchers I've spoken with, at all cab companies, hate drivers. We're all quite low on the human totem pole to them. For that matter, to most of the people that get in our cabs as well. And I'm trying not to generalize here, because Lord knows there are bad drivers out here as well.

Not that this is a shock to any of you. This is a service industry job and most folk don't respect those in the service industry. Just the way it is. Sadly.

Yanno what? Just to make this interesting, I'm going to throw an opinion (or two) out here.

I WORK for a living. Not in an office, but I still work. 12 hrs a day, often 7 days a week. I pay my taxes. I vote. I don't litter. I don't abuse children or animals. (Drunks are a whole different type of animal :o) I've never been to jail or prison. I've not had illegitimate children so I could live off your money just because I can.

I did not go to college to become a cab driver but I needed a job one day so I did what all hard-working, conscientious Americans do ... I took whatever I could get to pay the rent. Which is more than a lot of American people are willing to do.

People complain about foreigners coming to this country and taking our jobs. Well ...

A) Our government has always allowed this. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that how this country was started? Didn't everyone come from somewhere else? Except the Indians and what happened to them? Exactly what's happening to us now, but on a larger scale. But we are allowing it, they were overwhelmed and practically wiped out.

B) A lot of people are too LAZY to work.

C) A lot of people are too good to flip burgers. Or clean up after people. Or drive cabs.

I've never mistreated anyone while I've done this job. But yes, sometimes my attitude can be a bit much. If you're not in my cab and doing something stupid, you probably wouldn't even see it.

And just because a lot of folks don't know how the cab biz is run in Portland here's a simple synopsis: we lease our cars from the company. The only money we make is from our customers. the company gives us nothing, monetarily. I PAY for the joy of working. When you include gas, I pay out more than twice what's considered poverty level for this country in a year. (Read that again to make sure you understand). I have to CLEAR this amount, and then make more to live on. Think about that.

Other cities pay their drivers, hourly or otherwise and give them benefits, etc., and still others are run differently. I make the best of my situation/job, and sometimes even enjoy it. Can a lot of other people say that? Really?? One of the reasons I can approach this job, and my customers the way I do is because I know that - for the most part- these people can't bring me down with THEIR attitudes.

Whew. That's all I have for now. Flay away at me. I'll try n' work up some sort of enthusiastic rebuttal.

*muah*

Hey now, check this comment out ...

2008-10-14T18:14:00.000-07:00

I got this off one of my old stories written awhile ago. This one -> http://heardinmycab.blogspot.com/2007/12/christ-jeebus-i-work-with-stooges.html

Can I just ask, why doesn't Blogger make some sort of "thing" that lets you know when you get a new comment on an older blog?? Or maybe they do and I just don't know about it ??? Anyone?

S/A said...: Your cab company is obviously bigger than mine. Maybe the division of labor is one of the reasons your dispatcher has less power. Where I work as a dispatcher that means I answer the calls, take the orders, deal w/ the customer service issues, dispatch the orders, do general office work etc etc etc and there's only one person here at a time. We have what we call a 10-x. If the dispatcher 10-x's you you are not permitted to work for however many days you are 10-x'd for. You're lucky he seems to not be able to do that because if a driver copped the attitude you present yourself as having much of the time with customers in your blog w/ me and then played that income card I'd 10-x you for a month.; September 22, 2008; This person thinks I have "an attitude" and would cut me off work for a month. WTF? Yes, I have an attitude, but my attitude is usually fairly amused until someone makes it personal. Do you KNOW what it takes to be a woman cab driver in this day and age? And one that works nights? There is a reason I am STILL the ONLY woman that drives nights for our company (and we have over 200 cabs running 24/7).

For the love of Pete. Now I'm irritated. I hate when I feel I have to justify myself. Bah.

Edited to add: I did NOT scream all that. It's normal-sized in my editing screen. Blessed Blogger.

An older draft found in my archives, not published.

2008-10-08T08:12:00.000-07:00

1) I get sent to outer SE Ptld to pick up a lady early one morning and take her for her daily meth dose at the clinic. I have about 10 mins before I'm due there and only a few blocks away so I stop to watch the ducks wander around the side of the road near a tiny little pond where they apparently live.

They're waddling along, being just as cute as ducks and baby ducks can be. As they start to cross the road a SUV comes from the other direction and has to stop to let them go by. The other driver and I exchange smiles and watch the ducks when I notice something ... odd. I did a double take, then got out of my car 'cause one of these poor little baby ducks has a DART sticking out of the side of it's neck!!! The lady asks me what's going on, I tell her and she gets out to try and help me herd the poor little duckie to one of us so we could do ... something. I dunno what. The momma duck hustles her babies away from the big mean people and off into the lake. I called the p.d. They said they would send someone out.

2) I had this girl get in my cab crying, quietly in the backseat. She tells me where to go, and if I could, get her there quickly. I take off. We're at 15th NE Alberta going to St. Johns. I get to MLK to go N and as I pull up the light turns red for me. I whip up to the corner and take a quick look left, there is only one car coming at me in the inside lane. So I jump on the gas and whip out into the outer lane to get out of the way. Well, turns out this one car was a cop. And he pulled me over. I turned off the meter, apologized and had a nice, loooong chat with the cop. He was angry. He didn't care that I pulled out in the far lane to get out of his way.

I ran the red light and pulled out into the wrong lane. blah blah. This guy read me the riot act. Up, down. Everything.

He: You know that if I wrote you a ticket you would lose your license, right?

Me: No chance. I've only had 2 tickets in my entire 30 yrs of driving and they were both over 5 years ago.

He: This is 2 violations in one incident. Yes, you COULD lose your license and since you drive for a living you might want to seem a little more concerned about it.

Instead of being concerned, I argued. Cuz that's just what I do. Especially when I feel someone is trying to belittle me in front of someone else. So we chatted. For quite awhile. Finally I say ...

Me: Dude, either write me a ticket or let me go. This girl has some place she has to be.

He: looks at the girl in the back, crying All right. Just because I don't want YOU to waste any more of your customers time I'm going to let you go, but you need to be a LOT more careful.

It almost scares me how funny I find this one.

2008-09-27T07:13:00.000-07:00

I got sent to go pick up a younger-ish lady from BFE Gresham last night 'round about 1:30a. I get there, she's pretty drunk, but not overly. She's been drunk-dialing this fella that she met just a coupla nights before at a bar. They're texting back n' forth and what it comes down to is he is paying the cab to bring her to him. He lives just off downtown, NE.

She's gushing all over about what a great guy he is. Surprisingly still single and no children. Blah, blah, what a great guy.

I get her down there, she sends him a text saying she's there. He sends one back saying he'll meet her at the door (secure building). She leaves her stuff in the cab and walks up to the door. Right then a woman in a car w/the lights off pulls up next to her, on the street, honks to get her attention, calls her a bitch, takes her picture with a cell phone and yells "Just thought you'd like to know I have his cell phone. I'm the one sending you texts for the last hour. Whore!" Then drives off.

I'm doing my damnest to not laugh at her (where she can hear me) as she gets back in the car.

She: Shit. Now what am I going to do?

Me: I take it from that comment you don't have any money.

She: I have $15.

Me: Well, it's $40. Whatcha gonna do about this?

She: I don't know. Let me call my roommate.

She tells her what's going on and apparently the roommate asked to speak with me. Meanwhile the meter's running.

Me: Yes?

She2: Hi. You know what's going on with my girl there right?

Me: Yup. I was here for it all.

She2: Well, I got $20. My girl says she has $15. Is $35 going to be enough for you?

Me: No. The meter's at $40 and it's going to take another $40 to get her back to you to get the rest of the money.

She2: What the ... Well, I tell you what, that's just going to HAVE to do. If that's not good enough then I don't know how to help you so you're going to have to take the $35.

Me: Well, actually, no I don't HAVE to take the $35. And just for the record, I don't really care if you can help me or not ... it's not YOU that's going to jail.

I handed the phone back to the girl in the backseat. She starts throwing a fit on the phone about going to jail. I can hear the roommate telling her she isn't going to pay the fare so I pick up my phone and start dialing Multnomah non-emergency. Now she's crying and begging on the phone so the roommate agrees to pay the fare.

I get her back there, it's just over $90. The roommate hands me 5 20's off a stack that's about an inch thick and is cussing up a storm the whole time. I just take my money and leave.

So girls, let this be a lesson to you, never leave home without cab fare. Even if he says he's paying.

"And what do you suppose I named my daughter?"

2008-09-21T17:05:00.000-07:00

I got sent to this nasty little neighborhood to pick up this lady and take her a short distance away. We got off to a good start, laughing about something someone in the parking lot was doing and whatnot. And then it happened ... my mouth outpaced my brain. Again.

She: I have to go buy my son some birthday presents later today.

Me: How old is your son?

She: He just turned 13.

Me: Wow. He's a teenager now. You excited about that?

She: No. Courvoisier has quite the mouth on him. I don't think it's going to get better as he gets older.

Me: I think that's a boy thing. They don't get any better as they get older.

She: Ain't that the truth.

Me: So you named your son Courvoisier? That's actually kinda cool. One I hadn't heard before.

She: Yeah. My sister named her daughter Brandy so I had to come up with something higher class. We both laughed at that.

Me: Shoot. Too bad you didn't have twins you could have named the other Hennessy. :o) I thought it was funny. Silly me.

She: Actually, his little brother IS named Hennessy.

Me: Well there ya go. :o) Still thinking we were laughing about it. To be fair, she laughed at that.

She: And what do you suppose I named my daughter?

Me: In keeping with the "classy" alcohols, I would guess Cristal.

She: No. We had just stopped and she was paying me at this point. Her name is not Cristal, you racist bitch.

Me: WHAT? It's not like I said you named her Alize'. Jeez.

She got out and slammed the door.

Damn. Whaddaya say to that?

Hey now, I gotta story for you ...

2008-09-18T17:28:00.000-07:00

I got sent to the Acropolis (fairly popular strip joint just S of downtown) to pick up a coupla guys 'round about 1:45a last night. One guy gets in the cab (He1), 2 others are trying to convince a 3rd that they needed to leave. Took 'em about 5 minutes to do that so the 1st guy and I chatted for a bit. They were all pretty drunk, bachelor party. These are older guys, all mid-late 30's and the last of their group is finally "falling". We're heading to Oregon City (further south by about 15 minutes) so we have some time so they can tell me their "story".

After we're going ...

He#2: So, did you hear our story?

Me: You got a story?

He#3 and 4: OH BOY do we got a story!

Me: All right, let's hear it.

He#1: So we're at this bachelor party and we decide to hire ... um ... these ... ladies ...

He#2: Strippers!! We hired strippers. Let me tell it. We called around and found these girls that were willing to do a little girl-on-girl action for us for 500 bucks.

Me: Wow. That's some fairly serious money. I hope they were worth it.

He#3: Pssht. Not even close.

He#4: Maybe if we'd gotten to see at least ONE of them naked!

He#2: Sh! I'll tell it. So one girl shows up. She's waiting for the other to show so we're eating dinner, she sits there for about 1/2 an hour, eating and laughing with us. She decides to call her friend again. Dummy over here (He#3) decides to say something stupid to her and she gets a little nervous.

He#3: That's what she SAID.

Me: Uh-oh. I see where this is going...

He#2: Yeah, she decided to wait in the car for her friend.

Me: And you let her take the money with her, didn't ya?

He#2: Well, yeah. But she said her friend was probably just lost and needed to get out of the house to get better reception.

Me: shaking my head Oh man, I can't believe you fell for that!!

He#1: I KNOW! We're idiots.

He#3: But wait ... it gets better!!

He#2: Oh yeah! We go outside to check on her after about 15 minutes, we could see her sitting in her car the whole time and as we're out there talking to her another car pulls up.

He#3: An Escalade.

He#4: Full of mean looking Mexicans.

He#1: With guns!!

He#2: We thought we were going to die!! They jumped outta the Escalade, pulled their guns on us and she took off in her car. We all just stood there and watched her go. The guys didn't even say anything. Just got in their car and took off.

Me: Well, at least you lived to tell the tale.

He#3: Yeah, but we're out 500 bucks. The bitch!

Me: Yeah, but again, at least you lived to tell the tale. It could have been a whole lot worse. And think of the story you can tell at the wedding party!!

He#2: Oh no. I think we're never going to speak of this one again. Agreed guys?

They all agreed, then discussed possible ways of getting back at these people but decided the best thing to do was just to let it lie and chalk it up to experience.

I almost felt sorry for them. Almost.

Hi - remember me??

2008-09-09T11:04:00.000-07:00

I'm moving ... back soon.

Advertising by pubescent boys ...

2008-08-21T08:38:00.000-07:00

Yet another commercial that MUST be seen.

The results of playing chicken w/a train:

2008-08-16T10:18:00.000-07:00

OTHER than dead, I mean... I was one of the 4 cab drivers that had to drive to Canby and pick up the folks getting off the train and drive them to Eugene. That's -------> what Amtrak had to pay me to get them down there.

I got these 3 little old ladies ... "Oh Honey, do you think you should drive so fast??" Me: Well, we are only going 60, the speed limit IS 65. "Yes, but ... you know ... we just KILLED someone." Thankfully they fell asleep after about 40 minutes. Sweethearts, but ... jeez.

Here's the link to the small bit of story I could find:

http://www.katu.com/news/local/27045699.html

Wanna sick little laugh??

2008-08-11T15:01:00.000-07:00

Just 'cuz I have nothing I wish to blog about ... one of my favorite blogs to laugh at and with: Cake Wrecks. You get commentaries and pics on cakes such as this:

And this:

And this:

And oh so many more.

And just 'cuz I'm too lazy to link:

http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/

Enjoy!!

Just cuz it's funny, and needs to be repeated.

2008-08-02T13:51:00.001-07:00

Listen closely to the last line ... I just about fell off the couch when I saw this one on tv ...

Holy ... effin' ... don't MAKE me come in there!!!

2008-07-30T10:36:00.000-07:00

3a: last night ... very slow night anyway ...

On the 'puter screen:

There is a lady at 223rd ne Halsey needs to go to Walmart, wants driver to help her w/groceries while meter runs.

I take it, I'm not too far from there anyway. I pull up.

Me: Hiya. This is your driver. I'm here, sitting in front of apt 674 (changed for your benefit ... I'm sure at least one of you'se guys is gonna wanna go hunt her down).

She: I live in 675.

Me: Yes, well there is no parking in front of 675 so I'm in front of 674.

She: You need to go down Halsey to ...

Me: No, ma'am, I'm here, now.

She: And turn left at 223rd ...

Me: I did. I'm here. NOW.

She: Turn into some-nasty-apt-complex-name to the ...

Me: MA'AM. I'm here, right now, in front of your apt.

She: ... to the last driveway. All the way to the back.

Me: One more time, MA'AM. LISTEN to me, I ... AM ... HERE ... NOW. Do you hear me?

She: Oh. WeeeeEEEEeeellll ... you're here?

Me: Yes. praying: thank you, thank youthankyou

She: NOW?

Me: Yeeeees. Right now. In front of your apt. Waiting on you.

She: Well. Are you going to help me with my groceries?

Me: Yes ma'am. As soon as you get in the cab and we go.

She: But that nice young man on the phone said he was going to find someone to help me with my groceries and call me back.

Me: He DID find someone. That's me. I'm here. Are you ready to go?

She: Well, no.

Me: Excuse me?

She: I was waiting for that nice man to call me back. I need help with my groceries.

Me: Ma'am, AGAIN, I am GOING to help you with your groceries if you get in my car ... RIGHT NOW.

She: But. I'm in my pajamas.

Me: So you called a cab when you weren't ready to go, is that right?

She: But he was supposed to call me back when he found someone to help me with my groceries.

Me: at this point I've already voided the call and am leaving her driveway. He did, he called me because you called him and now I'm here, calling you and you aren't ready to go when I call. decipher THAT one wench.

She: ......

Me: How long would you like me to wait?

She: 10 minutes.

Me: I'm not waiting 10 minutes.

She: What do you MEAN you aren't waiting?

Me: When you call a cab you are supposed to be ready to go. Them's the rules.

She: So ... you're just going to leave me here? With no food.

Me: Apparently. BUT, why don't you get dressed now, when you're READY TO LEAVE, call the company and they'll send you another cab.

She: Are they going to send you?

Me: No chance of me ever coming back here.

She: Good. I don't like you anyway.

And she hung up on me.

My conclusion is she wanted a man to give her some attention. Yanno what I mean? Bitch.

Other Stuff: Can I just say ... Holy effin' Keerist Batman!! WTF were the Braves thinking letting Teixeira go???? HUNH??!!! Who the eff is gonna switch hit after Chipper like that? I guess I should just be thankful that they at least waited long enough that we didn't have to pick up Big Sexy from the Mariners. Yet. 'Cuz you KNOW the Yankees are gonna dump him after his $390K's worth of work is over.

More Other Stuff: Speaking of Batman: Why is it I was the only person - in the entire effin' theater - that laughed out loud at the "magic trick" the Joker did with the disappearing pencil?? THAT was COMEDIC GENIUS and everyone in the theater looked at me like I was a criminal. Seriously. And I can tell you I don't have any sort of annoying laugh. Plebs.

"You think we're too DRUNK to drive?"

2008-07-27T04:30:00.000-07:00

I got sent to Lucky's bar in Gresham last night, 'round about 2:30 to pick up someone. I got there at 2:45a and they were locked up tight. I finally got the security guy's attention (instructions say to contact doorman) and he tells me the people are sitting on the other side of the bar where their car is at. They are too drunk to drive and asked him to call them a cab.

I pull around the corner of the building and see a big ol' dumpster out there with a cop sitting next to it. Car's not running. Just ... hanging. I wave. He waves back. Whatever. I pull around the dumpster and there's the two and their car, arguing about waiting for the cab as it's taking too long and she just wants to go. He's arguing, but not too strongly. I pull up next to them - and can still see the officer - and say hi.

Me: Are you the folks that called for the cab?

He: Um ... I'm not sure.

Me: Well, I certainly wouldn't think about driving if I were you. You never know WHERE there might be cops hiding at.

She: What? You think we're too DRUNK to drive?

Me: That's what the door guy said.

She: Well, fuck you!! I don't need no fucking cab. I can drive my damned self home.

Me: Are you SURE about that? I mean really, I wouldn't if I were you.

She: FUCK YOU!!! Fucking cab drivers think they know every fucking thing!! Give me the fucking keys. I'm going home now. With or without you Dan.

Me: But you should know ...

She: Shut the FUCK UP!! I TOLD you I can fucking drive!!! FUCK OFF!!

Me: laughing All right. Well, I'm just going to wait right here for you guys to make it out the parking lot okay. You have yourselves a GREAT night!! and I just smile and wave.

She flipped me off and drove off. I waited for the cop to drive out and pull them over. I pulled out - I swear, no more than 50 yards down the road - and get stuck next to them at the light.

Me: rolling down my passenger window I was going to tell you, before you started cussing me out that there was a cop behind the dumpster. Toodles!!

And I drove off. Laughing my ass of for the next 1/2 hour.

"I'm Bambi"

2008-07-15T16:32:00.000-07:00

I worked late into the morning yesterday (Mon) as I started late Sun night. Day shift rides are SO much different than the nights ... nowhere near as laid back. And a whole lotta medical calls.

I got sent to a low income hotel downtown to pick up someone and take him/her about 9 blocks to the dentist. I checked out the info and had to do a double take on the name "Bambi Cheerleader". blink blink ... triple blink I had to call the dispatcher and make sure of the name. I mean ... seriously.

Me: Hey there - I'm just checking, is this a persons' actual name or am I looking for someone with pom pom's that rooting for the wildlife?

Disp: Yeah, I know what you mean. I've seen some names come down the pipe but this is definitely one of the odder ones.

Me: No kidding. It says here "plus one" ... that one named Thumper?

Disp: ...

Me: No? How 'bout Flower then?

Disp: Are you done yet?

Me: Not even close, I can do this all day. What about ...

Disp: We're CLEAR. Next cab please.

Harumph. Fine then. I pull up to the hotel, no one outside waiting so I turn off the cab to wander in. (Can I just say I was DYING to yell out the name BAMBI CHEERLEADER to the group of folks sitting in the lobby!!)

As I'm getting out of the car and older gent comes out to ask me who I'm there to pick up. I tell him and he says "I'm Bambi" and gets in the car.

The guy is obviously mentally handicapped so I can't play with that one at all. There's a whole lotta jokes and snide remarks that just fizzled.

Still gotta wonder though.

2008-07-05T04:56:00.000-07:00

I got sent out to the Skyline Pub (about 265th se stark) round about 1:30a last night to pick up these 2 really drunk cow-chicks. They were in the bathroom when I got there so I had to wait a few for these 2 to come staggering out to the car so I could take them 3 blocks to get home.

3 blocks. Apparently the designated driver got drunk so they opted to call a cab. (Just for the record, I'm not really opposed to these calls, I'd rather deal with the $4/ride than to have anyone on the road drunk driving. Even if I do have to drive 18 miles to pick 'em up.)

One of them was laying across the seat and the other had to dig in her purse to get her debit card out to pay the $4 tab, with no tip. The one laying on the seat was rooting around in the back seat for something: on the floor, on the seat. I asked if she was all right, she just gave me a dirty look and slammed my car door. I just smiled and drove off. Typical drunk. Usually the females are the ones that slam the door.

Anyway, on the way to my next call (and less than 5 minutes later) I get a msg on my screen with a phone number telling me to call it about a lost purse. I pull over and check the back seat, nothing there. I call the number.

Me: Hey, this is your cab driver.

She: Yeah. I left my purse in your cab.

Me: No, actually, you didn't. I pulled over to look and it's not here.

She: Are you sure?

Me: Yup. Are you sure you had it with you?

She: Well, hell. Where ELSE would it be? It HAS to be in your cab.

Me: Well, hell. It could be at the bar 'cuz it's not in my cab.

She: So, WHAT? You stole my purse?

Me: Nooo. Did you call the bar?

She: I didn't GO to no bar tonight damn it. It's in your damn cab!! I KNOW I left it there.

Me: Just like you KNOW you didn't go to a bar tonight, right?

She: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I picked you up FROM a bar. And when you call ask them to check the bathroom, that's where you were when I got there.

She: Bull puckey. (heh) I told you, I didn't GO to no bar tonight. SSSIIIIIIIISSSSSSEEEEE!!! yelling at her friend Where did we go tonight? ............ WHAT bar?? Shit. All right. to me Never mind. and she hung up on me.

Me: looking at my phone You're welcome.

This is the one that made me stop early last night:

2008-07-01T06:49:00.000-07:00

I get sent to a bar in Beaverton about 1:45a. It's been a typical slow Monday night so the only thing to really look forward to is the -lack of- bar rush at 2:30 when they all close. I'd been sitting for about 1.5 hrs before this, reading. I had just finished my book (Terry Brooks ya'll!) and was seriously considering going home when I got this call.

I head over to Monty's and flag the 'tender to have him find my folks and go wait in the car. This guy and girl come out. Drunker'n all get out, staggering and yelling at the cars driving bar. Which, btw, are nowhere near where they are. They just think it's funny.

They walk up to my car, the side window is down and the girl gets excited 'cuz they got a girl cab driver! She gets so excited that when she flops down into the back seat she loses her balance and grabs the door frame to catch herself. And takes my weather stripping for that door with her. :-(
It comes about 1/2 way out and is basically wrapped around her drunken neck.

She: What the fuck ... ? Is this?

And pulls it away from her, across the seat and just yanks the entire thing off.

I got that look on my face. You know the one I'm talking about.

She: WHAT? I didn't do that!! I don't know what the fuck is wrong with your car. I didn't TOUCH that damned thing. Don't look at me like that. FUCK.

The guy gets in the car, rolls up the weather stripping and tells me he'll pay me extra to get them home. It's not that far, (I've actually picked these two up before, it isn't that far. And last time they were just as drunk as they are now) and he'll pay me extra for the weather stripping.

Whatever. Get the fuck in and lets go.

She: It's my birthday!! silence. I think she was expecting me to say something. What? Oh. You're pissed. I get it. Your piece of shit car falls apart and you're pissed at ME! Shit.

The guy calms her down. Shuts her up. She offers to blow him in the cab since it's her birthday and " ... that bitch of a cab driver won't care. Might be the only thing that makes her smile tonight."

I pull over, we're only about 2 blocks from their home.

Me: That's it. You're walking. Have a good night.

The woman gets out, slams the back drivers' side door and walks around to the passenger side. The guy is trying to convince me that I should just take them the rest of the way. He has $40 in his hand and asking if I want more when she opens his door to tell him to get out and not pay me for anything since I'm making them walk.

When she yanks open the door and tries to lean in and reach for him she loses balance, again, and grabs the door panel this time.

Yep. Yanked it right the fuck off. I got pissed. I can only take so much, yanno?

Me: What the FUCK? If you can't handle your fucking alcohol then for Crissakes stay at home and tear up your own shit!

I put the car in park and get out. Dude has got out of the car and is trying to help her up. She's bitching about suing the company for the piece of shit car that just attacked her and made her fall to the ground.

I just walk around and grab the door panel from the ground, put it in the car and drive off. Pissed. But restrained myself from saying something further to the drunks 'cuz really, ya can't argue with stupid drunk.

BTW: He left $60 on my back seat. I had to turn in my cab for maintenance after them 'cuz I couldn't pick up anyone else after that. Not really worth it, but hey, I didn't have to kill anyone.

Lord help me ...

2008-06-28T05:54:00.000-07:00

but I wanted to kill this guy before I was done with him. If you can read through this one it's fairly amusing. (In an Oh-My-Gawd I need to kill something now sorta way.)

I get sent to make a delivery. A laptop, a high dollar laptop from SE 6th and Powell to the John Ross Bldg on the waterfront, SW (high dollar condos just SW of downtown).

I am only about 5 blocks away from the pick up address so get there fairly quickly. No one answers the door so I get back to my computer and start calling the phone numbers given to me for the order. I get vmb at the first number; the guy that owns the laptop and is paying the fare/the drop off address then call the 2nd. I get the guy that has the laptop, he's upstairs at the pick up address, didn't know someone was coming to get it.

He tries to call Dude that owns the 'puter and gets his vmb as well. He decides he doesn't wanna deal with it any longer and gives me the 'puter. Tells me if I can't find Dude to bring it back to his place and he'll pay for the fare. If not, it's not his laptop so he doesn't really care what I do with it.

I get to where I'm dropping off (just a few minutes later as they're right across the river from each other, less than a mile as the crow flies) and try Dude again. Vmb. I left another msg. Tried the 2nd phone number of guy where I picked up, his phone goes to vmb as well. I call dispatch, they have 1 more number for me to try. I do and get some random fella, turns out dispatch transposed some numbers. I call the correct number, it's for the concierge at the JR Bldg. IT goes to vmb too. Pssht. By this time I'm getting somewhat irritated.

So I called Dude again, left a msg saying I was taking his 'puter back to where I picked it up from. If the guy there didn't answer I was going to give it to dispatch and he could pick it up from the office on Monday.

As I'm heading back I get a phone call from Dude:

He: Yeah, you're supposed to be dropping off a computer for me. Where is it?

Me: Did you get the messages I left you?

He: Yes. What the hell? You couldn't find the place?

Me: I left a msg when I was downstairs so yes, I found the place but I don't have an apt # and you didn't answer your phone.

He: ... you're a cab driver, you're telling me you don't know where the John Ross Bldg is?

Me: One more time, I FOUND your house, YOU didn't answer your phone.

He: What about he concierge?

Me: He wasn't at his desk and the phone went to voice mail.

He: Well, where's my computer?

Me: Here with me. In my car. Just about a mile from your house.

He: Oh, so you DO know where it is. Then why the hell didn't you drop it off?

Me: Look, we're not communicating here. I'm driving back to your place now, why don't you tell me where you want me to meet you and we'll get this taken care of, K?

He: It's only, like, the MOST expensive place in Portland. It's the place where Batman would live if he lived in Portland. Why can't you find it?

Me: DUDE. Do you think you're Batman?

He: Huh?

Me: Never mind. I didn't ask you for the address, I asked you where you want me to MEET you.

He: Well, you could meet me here.

Me: Yeah? How about I might you right HERE instead?

He: Well, how the hell am I supposed to know where YOU are?

Me: EXACTLY. Where the hell are YOU? I am in front of your building right now.

He: What? NOW?

Me: What part of this are you not understanding? I am AT your building right now. Do you want to tell me your apartment number or shall I just take it to our office and you can pick it up on Monday?

He: Well, I'm not home.

Me: Um, excuse me, but WHAT?

He: I'm grocery shopping. I'm at the QFC on 54th and Burnside.

Me: You're shittin' me, right?

He: No. I just assumed you people would take at least 2 hours to get to my call so I went shopping. I'm out of wine.

Me: So that's why you didn't answer your phone.

He: Yes. You people ALWAYS take forever to get to me so I assumed you would this time too.

Me: at this point I've already left his home and am heading to base to drop his 'puter with them. So, let me see if I've got this right: You called a cab to pick up a computer from your friend, without telling said friend that someone was coming to get it. Then you immediately leave your home, where the driver was to drop off your computer because you assumed it would take a couple of hours to get the 'puter to you and now YOU are mad at ME for being too efficient. Is that about right?

He: In a nutshell.

Me: All right then. I'm going to drop your computer off at dispatch. You can pick it up from them on Monday when the office is open.

He: Wait. You aren't going to wait there for me?

Me: Nope. I've already left.

He: Wait, wait wait. I really need that computer I have to ...

Me: interrupting Well, if you REALLY needed it you would have been here to pick it up, right?

He: Look, you're being somewhat irrational about this whole thing. First you get there WAY sooner than I thought then you can't FIND the drop off address and now you're just going to TAKE my computer and give it to some stranger at your office? I think there could be a lawsuit involved in this somewhere.

Me: I'M being irrational? YOU'RE being an asshole. I told you where your computer will be and when you can pick it up. I'm done talking to you.

I hung up on him, went to base and dropped his computer.

Bastard.

A coupla personal notes:

2008-06-24T15:17:00.000-07:00

1)

My book is basically finished. All but for some drawing that I wanted to do. I was getting all excited about it: took awhile, but I got it. Got it backed up to a disc ... just in case - RIGHT?!! (Ya never know so you always have a 'just in case' back up.) I had also -JUST IN CASE- printed out the whole damned thing as I was going along. Not the finished product, just the edited version as I went along. All that excitement made me tired so I shut down my 'puter and went to bed.

I've never backed up anything in my entire effin' life, but THIS is the thing I wanna make sure survives the holocaust.

My roommate comes home and gets on the 'puter (he works days, I work nights) and does his typical 'Oh-my-Gawd-there-HAS-to-be-SOME-porn-picture-on-the-internet-that-I-haven't-seen-yet' search. And downloads some nasty little virus.

Killed my 'puter. Dead. Disc still in it and not coming out. Fucker.

So him being the manly computer geek that he isn't, and feeling really bad about killing my 'puter he decided to fix it. His idea of fixing it is to mind wipe the whole thing. Start from scratch. Now I'm not saying that I would EVER have any illegal stuff on my 'puter, even in this day and age of the key generators (whistling innocently) but you mind wipe a 2000 HP back to the original state and you're bound to lose some things.

Like, everything. Double fucker.

SO, even after taking it to my favorite 'puter geek there's nothing I can do with it. It's all gone. Although he did get the disc out, so not a TOTAL loss. As long as you don't count my pictures and my entire 8 years of life on my 'puter. Fucker. Fucker. Fucker.

Too bad I couldn't be smart and back up everything else as well as the book. Did I learn NOTHING from watching every single episode of "Sex and the City"?!! (the girls will get that reference, guys ... prolly not.)

But hey, there's gotta be a silver lining ... right? I've been wanting to get a new 'puter for awhile and this is the perfect opportunity, so I indulged. Better. Stronger. Faster. I got the Jamie Sommers version of the 'puter. For me, anyway. (And NO, Dave2, it's not a Mac!!)

I get all excited about my new toy. Get it all set up and playing with the settings and whatnot. Even took a night off to play with it. Whoooooo ... it's fast! Having all kindsa fun with it, setting up the PASSWORDS and whatnot then decide to get down to business.

I put my disc in, up pops the little 'what doya wanna open this with' window and ... wait. Where's ... ? WHAT? Whaddaya mean Vista has NO WORD PROCESSING PROGRAM??!!! Are you shitting me?! Motherfu ....

SO. That's where I am on the book. Let's all bow our heads and pray that I don't kill someone. Although if I do, I'll have plenty of time in prison to long-hand it all.

2)

I finally broke down and bought myself an iPod. Just a Shuffle, the 2GB version. Only 500 songs. Cute lil tiny green thing. Adorable, actually. (I had to get the little one 'cuz I don't wanna have something that some poor, desperate sonnabitch might wanna rob me for in the cab.)

How in the FUCK did I ever live without the music I want to listen to for so long?!!! Oh Holy effin Christ I'm in love. Radio schmadio.

AND: A note to Visa: Yes. When you get that Apple charge for $380 just go ahead and pay it. I have an addiction.

"Um, Hi. Can you help me out here?"

2008-06-22T12:28:00.000-07:00

The set up:

I get sent to a tiny little dive out in the middle of Redland, OR to pick up a guy. I get there, there's a total of 7 ppl in there, including the female bartender. The guy is in the process of getting kicked out for calling a lady a c*nt. The bartender is trying to help/force him out and a guy patron is trying to do the same but he's getting a bit angry about them touching him. I'm listening to them talk and figure he's my guy ... this is gonna be a fun one.

Me: Hi. to him. I'm your cab driver. You wanna leave these mean people now, don'tcha?

He: stares at me drunkenly Hey pretty lady! HA! BITCH! to the lady he was yelling at, not me. This pretty lady WANTS to take me home. Fuck YOU. I'm going home with her.

The bartender is thanking me - quietly - in the background. The lady that was getting yelled at starts yelling at him again, making him angry again. He turns around to say something at the door. I turn around real quick to her:

Me: HEY! I point at the bartender You shut her up, right now or I'm leaving him here. I don't want him in my car, angry.

The 'tender grabs the lady and turns her around. I "accidentally" run into the guy at the door and push him out. He gets distracted and decides to get in the cab.

Me: All rightee. Where we off to?

He: I'll show you. Milwaukie. Off McLaughlin.

Me: Ok. But can I have your address in case anything happens?

He: I'll SHOW you. Damn woman. Let's just get outta this place.

Me: All right. But you gotta be nice to me.

He: Yeah yeah. You ain't no bitch. You're fine. Just take me home.

So we're driving along. He's nodding against the back seat. Great. He's gonna pass out. We get to lower McLaughlin and I wake him up to get directions. He tells me to keep going up McL. I have to shake him to get his attention so he gets angry.

He: FUCK! WHAT? Goddamn woman. Just take me home. Fuck. Fucking bitches. Always ... mumble mumble. And he passes out again.

I'm trying to remember where the closest cop shop is to where we are. I'm not really looking forward to trying to wake him again and there's no chance I'm gonna try and snag his wallet. (He's a big guy, did I mention that? Probably 6 2" and 250.)

I opt for the sheriff's dept at Oak Grove and McL but there's no one there, doors are closed and locked. Shit. So I pull back up to McL and try and wake dude again. I'm at the light by the Jack in the Box and shakin' the hell outta dude to wake him so naturally he comes up swinging!! Asshole. Fortunately he missed - got the back of my headrest - and slid over in the seat and started snoring.

I'm a bit shaken, but calm. I take a breath and look at the light, still red and at the 7-11 across the street and it's like I hear the Angels singing from heaven: "Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!" Right there, in the 7-11 parking are 3 officers from the sheriff's department! Whoot! I pull across McL and into the parking lot.

I get out of the car and walk over to the 3 officers; 2 men and a woman. They have 2 young girls in cuffs and are chewing them out for a) being out after curfew (they're both underaged) and b) having a single leaf of pot in the bottom of a bag. The girls are bawling, the cop is chewing them out and the other 2 cops are trying not to laugh.

Me: Um. Hi. to the female cop Can you help me out here?

She: What's the problem?

I tell her what's going on and she tells the 2nd guy cop what's happening, he agrees to help her get dude outta the back of my car after he gloves up. At this moment he gets called off to a car accident just down the road so she has to enlist the help of the cop that now has the girls in the backseat of his car. He says he'll help so they walk over to the cab.

HeCop: Hey! Wake up! no movement from dude. HEY! still no movement. All right. I'm going to grab his arm, you grab the other.

Me: Um, just so you know, I say, from the front bumper of my car he seems to have a fairly serious issue with people touching him. Just an observation.

HC: Trust us, this is what we do.

So he reaches in and grabs him. Dude is slowly coming to, but it's slowly working. HC gets dude out far enough that She Cop grabs his arm and they start yanking, hard. THIS got dude's attention, he comes up swinging at the cops. HC pulls out his stun gun and just LAYS it on dude! They're STUN-GUNNING dude in the back of my cab!!!

Well NOW dude is *fully* awake. Starts yelling and screaming, swinging and whatnot. I'm standing there with my hand over my mouth just staring. By this point everyone at the 7-11 is out watching the goings on as well.

So they finally get him wrestled outta the car and onto the ground, still stun-gunning him and get him cuffed. Dude is screaming at the cops, wide awake and highly upset. Flopping around on the ground like a fish. I still got my hand on my mouth.

HC: looks up at me Are you all right?

Me: Oh, yeah. Sure. I'm not the one in cuffs on the ground.

He just smiled at me. He drops down onto dude's back w/a knee to hold him still while SC frisked him. She tosses a knife onto the pavement then finds a gun (!!!) in an ankle holster. Dude's toast, headed to jail.

SC: to HC Look, I don't think I can handle this guy, you wanna take him in?

HC: Sure I ... wait ... I got the girls. he looks at her. Then to me he says Hey, I need a favor.

Me: Um. Sure.

HC: I need you to take these girls home to Naef Rd about a mile from where we are. I've already called their parents so I need you to turn them over to the folks. Can you do that for me?

Me: Sure.

So he gets them outta the back of his car, uncuffs 'em and tells them I'm taking them straight home, to their parents. They get in my cab, still sniffling and I give HC my contact info, he gives me the girls info. Then he asks if I got paid, I tell him no so SC pulls money outta his wallet to pay me the fare. No tip. ;o)

I get in my cab and the girls are over their trauma and putting on their make up. One of the girls is bitching to the other:

Girl: Can you beLIEVE he was going to arrest us for having an old leaf??!! I mean. What the FUCK? she looks at me Can you believe that? What fuckers!! And what the FUCK is up with this curfew bullshit?

Me: You realize they're just looking out for you, right? You shouldn't be out at this time of night, hanging at a 7-11. There are some MEAN motherfuckers out here, trust me, I know. Especially since the bars are soon closing and you're only 2 miles from the biggest strip joint on this end of town.

The little bitch ROLLED HER EYES at me!!! What the ... ?

Me: HEY! Don't you roll your eyes at me you stupid little wench! I am the ONLY reason you aren't going to jail right now so you had better - at the very LEAST - have the damned respect to at least LISTEN to me or I will get the attention of one of those cops and have them take your ass to jail. RIGHT now.

Both their eyes got all big and scared. They're just staring at me.

Me: WELL?? What's it going to be?

Girl: You're right. I'm sorry. And hey, thank you for saving our asses. Really. We DO appreciate it.

Me: That's better.

I turn around and we drive off. I hear them whispering to each other in the back. I get about 3 blocks from their home and hear:

Girl: Um ... driver? Can you take us to my boyfriend's house? Or just drop us off here and we can walk.

Me: You have GOT to be shitting me!! Just so you know, when I read about you two silly bitches getting raped and killed from some drunk idiot in the middle of the night, I won't be at your wake. Now just shut up until I get you home.

I pull up and their mom is hanging at the door, waiting. Apparently the cop called mom and told what to expect so she came out and hauled the girls outta the back of the car. I'm sure they'll be sporting some bruises for awhile.

Driver's note: As soon as dude came up swinging I knew there was no way I was going to deal with this fucknut. The reason I'm saying this is I told another driver what happened and he said I should have just let dude out on the street somewhere instead of having him arrested.

I've been in some fairly ugly situations, but I've survived this job so far by not being overly stupid, so I hope none of YOU guys judge me for tracking down the cops so quickly.

2008-06-19T09:33:00.000-07:00

Get sent to a tiki bar on NE Broadway one night to pick up a girl named Greta.

I get there and call the number given. I get voice mail and leave a msg: "This is your cab, I'm leaving. If you need another call the company back at ... "

As I'm hanging up on the vmb I get a call coming in from the number I just called and left a msg.

Me: Hello?

She: Hi, you called me? giggle

Me: Hi, this is your taxi, I'm outside the bar, do you still need a ride?

She: giggling and whispering to her friend in the background I think you have the wrong number.

Me: I'm sorry, I was given this number to reach Greta.

She: Well, I'm Erica. You have the wrong number. It's 2 o clock in the goddamned morning!! Don't you check your numbers better than that? What the hell is wrong with you? I should complain to your company calling the wrong number at this time of the morning! giggle giggle shush shush

Me: ... Ah. So then when I called a moment ago and got the vmb that said "This is Greta with So-And-So Company, please leave a message" I got the wrong number? Gee. Guess I'll have to call that company in the morning and tell them someone is randomly giving out their employees' cell phone numbers to cabs to pick up people at bars. I'm sure they'll want to look into that.

She: Um ... I'm sorry. We lied. We already got a cab.

Me: Ah. So I'm guessing you don't want me to call your company in the morning either, eh?

She: Please!!??!!

Stupid little wench.

Random Portland Facts...

2008-06-16T15:21:00.000-07:00

One of the fun things about driving a cab is that people are often asking questions about Portland, I wander around the 'nets trying to find interesting things to tell visitors.

***
The Taco Bell at 21st and W Burnside has the busiest Fri and Sat night sales out of all the TBell's in this country. (according to the grave manager in the window)

***
Portland has the smallest city park inside the city limits of any city in this country: Mill End Park. It is 2.5 feet in diameter.

***
Portland's Forest Park has over 5,000 sq acres, it's the largest urban wilderness in this country.

***
Portland has more strip clubs, per capita, than any other city in this country.

***
Portland has more micro breweries inside their city limits than any other city in the world.

***
Portland has the second largest copper hammered statue in the country. Largest being the Statue of Liberty: Portlandia.

***
Portland has the filthiest river in the country running right thru downtown: the Willamette.

***
Portland is the 23rd largest city in this country. 3rd largest on the west coast.

***
Multnomah County (dntn Portland) is - geographically - the smallest county in the country with the largest population.

***
Harney county in Oregon is larger than 10 of the states in the US.

***
Oregon is the 10th largest state in the country.

***
It is illegal to pump your own gas in Oregon.

***
In 2008 voted:

#1 for Greenest Cities (Popular Science)
#5 for Cleanest Cities (Forbes)
#1 best city to have a baby (Fit Pregnancy)
#2 largest bicycle commuter city (Bicyclist)

***
Portland and Bend, OR are the only 2 contiguous US cities built w/extinct volcanoes inside their city limits.

***
We have no sales tax in Oregon. But we make up for it with property and income taxes.

Last (and most amusing) sailor story of this year.

2008-06-13T07:54:00.000-07:00

I just dropped off a girl that works at the Acropolis (strip joint) in Milwaukie and get sent down to lower Gladstone (by the river) to pick up a girl 'round about 3a the last Friday of the Rose Festival (sailors ship out on Monday).

I get there and a sailor comes out of the house and pulls open the passenger, front door.

He: Hey there. We just want to ride around for awhile, ok?

Me: Sure, I literally have all night to wander about at your whim.

He: Cool. How much is that going to cost?

Me: Well, if you just sit in the cab it's $30/hr. Our meters go off mileage, the further you go the more it will cost.

He: All right, I'm paying. And how do you feel about if we do ... um ... anything else?

Me: Well, are you asking if you can have sex in the car? I'd rather you didn't.

He: But you're cool with that, right?

Right then his girl came out. He opened the back door and let her in the passenger side, he walked around to the other side. I looked at her. She's an adorable little thing, cute and young. Like, barely 18, if that.

Me: Hey there.

She: Hi. How you doing?

Me: Fine. I hear you're trying to find someplace to have sex and want to do it in my car?

I'm an instigator. What can I say?

She almost fell off the seat she was so shocked. He got in and boy was he in trouble! (heh heh)We went thru the whole "I did NOT say that!" "Yes, he did." "She's lying." "No, I'm not." thing that you have to go thru with young boys but they finally worked it out and we were off to downtown Portland.

When we get to the 'skirts of dntn they're laying on the back seat and not paying much attention to the "view". I interrupt to ask them where they wanna go.

He: Um. I don't care. Just drive around.

Ah. Ok. I wander up the "Scenic Drive" we have that starts on W Burnside and go to the top of Council Crest (famous make-out spot) but it's closed so I wander back down the hill. I hit Burnside again, they're still occupied so I head up thru Washington Park. And down the backside. Over to the west side of town. Hit the freeway back up to Sylvan, cross to Skyline and out Germantown Road. (those of you that don't know our town that's a loooong ass way to just wander) Beautiful views though so at least I got something outta it. Besides paid, o' course.

So aside from the beautiful view I get I have to listen to:

"Come on, just let me touch it for a second."
"I don't knoooOOOOooow."
"What if we never see each other again?"
"If we're meant to be together we will be."

And many variations of this ... for the whole ride. In between slurping sounds and whatnot. Thank the good Lord for the radio.

Finally, after 2 hours I got a bit irritated so I start heading back to her house. We get about a mile from their place and I interrupt, again to let them know they're almost back where they started. The girl gets angry that I did this.

She: We TOLD you we wanted to drive around for awhile.

Me: We've been driving around for 2 HOURS. It's 5 o'clock in the morning. Don't you have to be to the ship by 6?

He: Yeah. How'd you know?

Me: I've met a lot of sailors the past couple of days.

She: You can't stay?

He: Weeeeelllll ....

Me: Look, you aren't getting any. I know it. You know it. She DEFinately knows it and I'm tired of hearing it. Do you want me to give you a ride back to your ship?

He: Yeah, I suppose.

She: Wait a minute! Don't you have to do what we say? You ARE the cab DRIVER. We are PAYING you.

Me: Actually, no. I don't. I can choose to do what you want, but I can certainly call you another cab if you want to keep wandering around. And he wants to miss his ship.

She: Well, I can tell you, I'm not going to tip you. Bitch.

Me: From I understand you aren't actually paying for the ride. And since the fare is $180.00 so far I'm really not all that concerned about the tip at this point. BUT I have a tip for YOU: after a certain point, you either give it up or stop all together. Anything else is just cruel.

She just glared at me and got out of the car. The guy looked at me for a second, handed me $200 and asked me to wait a second so he could say goodbye. Which actually took another 20 minutes. He handed me another $40 to get him back to the ship. Plus tip.

What an annoying ride. But lucrative.

Other Stuff: I just know ya'll are going to be thrilled to know I just got my free Oreo Cakester from Walgreens. Guy forgot to ask so I did. heh. He had to call the manager and everything. Funny stuff.

Hey! I didn't say I wouldn't take advantage of the offer, I just didn't care for the offer.

Until now.

Those little things aren't bad at all. ;o)

"I just saw a guy howling at the moon"

2008-06-10T09:24:00.000-07:00

Them: Multnomah County Non Emergency, how may I help you?

Me: Hi, I just saw a dude howling at the moon.

Them: Um, excuse me ... ?

Me: I just saw some dude howling at the moon.

Them: Uh ... ok. And you're calling me because ... ?

Me: He's standing in the road while he's doing it.

Them: Ah. Ok. Where is he?

Me: Right at about 127th and Stark.

Them: Ok. And what exactly is he doing?

Me: Jumping up and down, waving his arms at the sky and howling.

Them: Really?

Me: Oh yeah. Too bad we can't see the moon tonight, huh?

Them: Well, if there is no moon tonight then how do you know that's what he's doing?

Me: Well, I don't know, per se, but I saw the Powerball numbers earlier so I know he didn't win, what else would he be doing?

Them: Well, if he isn't really causing any problems then we might be able to send an officer by later when one frees up.

Me: Thank you. I'm sure the people that are having to dodge him in their cars while he's jumping in the street will be incredibly grateful.

Them: ... I'm sorry, where exactly did you say he was?

*

Other Stuff: I just went to Walgreens to pick up something after work. I hand the girl at the counter my stuff:

She: And would you like to try an Oreo Cakester this morning? and points to the display next to the register.

Me: Um ... no. But thanks for asking.

She just smiled at me. I look at the display and see the sign underneath the box of Cakesters "If we don't ask you if you'd like a Cakester you get it for free!!"

Me: Hm. So what? Now you guys are just like Taco Bell ... "If we don't ask if you'd like a drink it's free!" type o' thing?

She: I suppose so.

Me: Gotta make you appreciate your job just that much more.

She: And I get $.05 for everyone I sell.

I just smiled and left. Driving off in my truck I got to thinking how incredibly annoyed I was by this. Why can't they have something out there for charity ... "If we don't ask you if you'd like to donate we'll donate a dollar ourselves!!" instead of something fattening.

Use your powers for good, damn it.

It's Fleet Week in Portland again.

2008-06-07T09:39:00.000-07:00

Portland is covered in sea men!! (You would not believe how many times I've heard some variation on this comment in the last week.)

I gotta give 'em credit; they're much more subdued this year than the last few. I think our sliding economy is helping that along though.

Anyway -

Was driving down W Burnside into town and saw 2 cute, younger fellas sitting on some boxes at the curb at about 20th. They look weary. Apparently too tired to get up and flag a cab as one of them just waved a coupla fingers as I was driving by. I pulled up and rolled down the window.

Me: Hi boys. Need a ride?

Boy1: YES!! they get in the cab We've been flagging every cab driving by but they've all got people in there or they're just ignoring us.

Me: Yeah, we are kinda busy w/all the sailor boys in town. Where we off to and can I ask ... is that BEER you guys were sitting on?

Boy1: Yeah, we bought 2 racks for a party but when we got there we found out it was the wrong address the girl gave us.

Me: Ouch.

Boy1: Yeah, we started walking and then got tired of lugging this shit around so we decided to grab a cab.

Boy2: Good thing you stopped when you did, I'm down about 4 beers in this box.

Me: Sitting there a long while were you?

Boy1: You have no fucking clue. Dude. I'm so tired of walking. And sitting. And waiting on cabs.

Me: And lying girls.

Boy2: Don't even get us started on that shit.

Me: Sounds like you started that one all on yer own. Anyways, where we off to?

Boy1: My house cool with you? Nod from his friend. He looked at me, I nodded as well. ::shrug:: We're going to 1st and Arthur. Know it?

Me: By the 7-11?

Boy1: Yup. Down past there to Macadam. You cool with us drinking our beers?

Me: Just don't make a mess. Or throw them at anyone.

We start off, laughing about silly things when we get near the 7-11 Boy1 asks me to stop there so they can get munchies. I pull in, Boy2 gets out to get nachos, chips, etc and then Boy1 says they might need more beer so get another 1/2 rack.

As Boy1 and I are sitting there shooting the sh*t this really hot girl comes stumbling up the driveway carrying her shoes and looking a little worn down.

Me: Lookit that poor girl. Must've been a long walk, eh?

He looks and just about slid off his seat. She came walking towards us.

Me: If she wants a ride are you going to let her in? (this happens quite often in my cab.) He just sits there dumbly and stares at her. I reach back and pop him upside the head. HEY! Yes or no? Not much time here. You want me to get her for you or not?

He: You can do that? Hell yeah!!

She: Hi. Are you available?

Me: Well, I've got these 2 nice young boys in my car now, but I'm sure they'd be willing to let you ride along.

She: Eyeballs boy with tongue hanging out of his mouth for a moment. to me: I don't know.

Me: You look like you've been walking awhile. Got a ways to go?

She: I am SO tired! My friends left me and I've been walking all this way from 2nd and Burnside. I'm heading down towards the water tower. John's Landing ... conveniently on Macadam.

Me: How convenient, these guys are heading the same way. I'm sure they'll let you ride along. Hunh Junior?

Boy1: Uh. Oh. Hell yeah. Anywhere you need to go.

She: I dunnnnnooooo ...

Me: Look, you'll be safe in my cab and odds are good I could take both these guys so hop in, it's not that far.

She: All right.

She hops in the front, silly boy in the back still hasn't gotten his tongue back into his mouth and Boy2 comes out of the store, he just about drops his beer and munchies when he sees her. He gets in the car and I explain to him his friend agreed to give her a ride home. Boy2 to this point has been really quiet, not so much so after she got in the car. He turned up the charm and I just let him do his thang.

By the time I got the boys to where they were going (they were getting dropped off first then her) she was talked into going into their place and drinking some beers with 'em. I checked to make sure she was serious and then gave her my number for when she needed to go. Her and Boy2 get out and head to the apt, Boy1 pays me and then tries to tip me with the 1/2 rack.

Me: Wow. Thanks, but I don't drink.

Boy1: Well shit, hold on ... he digs around in his pockets this is all I have but I tell ya, you were worth every penny for that ride, that chick is HOT!! he hands me a $20 and a coupla singles.

Me: Ah, I get pimp fees. Nice. Call me when she's ready to go.

Boy1: Shit. I'm going to get your number from her and call you every time I need a ride. And a hot chick too! Damn.

Me: ::snort:: Good night.

Wow ... who knew ...

2008-06-04T12:59:00.003-07:00

I was so powerful?!! What should I ask for next do ya think?!

New Drunk Driving Laws in Italy

snort

2008-05-29T23:05:00.000-07:00

Wanna know what makes for a bad night for a cabbie?

2008-05-24T14:49:00.000-07:00

I hated almost every minute of my night last night. Just one of those nights, it happens. I expect it. Doesn't mean I have to like it.

A taster:

First two "runs" were long ones, both over $40 and in less than an hour, I'm thinking it might be a good night ... to quote Ice Cube "I didn't have to use my A.K.". Downhill from there.

I get sent to go pick up a guy to take him from his house to the Plaid for a beer run, and back. $7.70 on the meter. I get $7.70 exactly. In change. Get a call from a person that lives 2 houses down from this guy while I'm waiting for him to count out his change. I drive over there but have to call him as he doesn't come out ...

Me: This is your cab, I'm downstairs.

He: OK.

I wait a minute, no kid. I call him back.

He: Oh, yanno what? I already left, you guys took too long.

Me: I "took too long" to drive the two house distance from his to yours?

He: Yeah. You know. I could hear his friends laughing in the background, obviously they're children. You just dropped off Dude, right?

Me: So you can see me sitting in front of your house?

He: Yeah, but it took you too long to get here. snicker

Me: Well, if you see me sitting in front of your house, after all this time then you must be still in there.

He: Silence.

Me: Unh huh. If you're going to play stupid games, do it on someone else's time. Wouldn't you hate for me to knock on this door and wake your parents?

He: whispering to friends Dude! She's going to knock on the door! What do I do? My parents are going to kill me!!

Me: Opening the door Can you see me opening the door to get out and knock?

He: PLEASE don't knock!! My parents will kill me!! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, really!!!

Me: Good bye. I close the door and hang up.

Next call: Get sent to Ptld. Adventist to pick up someone on Oregon Health Plan to take her and her kids home. They get in the car and I ask to see their ID card, I need to verify her eligibility.

She: I left it at home.

Me: Then I can't give you a ride home. That's the rules.

She: Well then I guess me and my CHILDren are walking.

Me: Sorry I can't help you with that.

She: And what in the hell took you so long to get here?

Me: It's Friday night at 11p. What in the hell made you think you could get a ride without your ID card?

She: Well, I didn't think you would make me and my CHILDREN walk at this time of night.

Me: The buses will be running in about 5 hours.

She: So you really aren't going to give me a ride? You are REALLY going to make these young CHILDREN walk home? In THIS weather?

Me: Nope.

She: I didn't think so.

Me: You are.

She: Ex-CUSE me?

Me: You know you have to have your card. That's the way this whole "low income, free ride to the hospital" thing works. You know that. I've picked you up before.

She: Here. She hands me her ID card.

Me: Oh. So you didn't leave it at home, huh?

She didn't say anything else, although I heard one of her children say "So you didn't leave it at home huh?" to her. She told the kid to shut up. Fortunately it was a short ride.

Next run:

Get sent to a bar to pick up a woman. I get there, she gets in and immediately wants to use my phone.

Me: Nope. I don't loan my phone out. I could stop for you to use a pay phone if you need it that badly.

She: I ain't got no money. I just wanted to call my friend and make sure she would be home so she knows to pay the cab fare when I get there.

Me: pulling over to the side of the road Sorry. I don't do that. If you don't have the money I'm not giving you a ride.

We have a little of the back and forth "But ma'am" shit and me saying no. She finally gets out. I drive off.

Next run:

Sent to pick up a guy about 5 miles from that run. I get there, w/in 5 minutes and call him.

Me: This is your cab, I'm downstairs.

He: Hunh? Who's this?

Me: Your taxi.

He: You a friend of my sisters?

Me: Doubtful. This is Trixie Cab. Are you coming down?

He: Oh, I called my sister to come get me, I thought she would get here before you. Can you hold on, I'm going to call her and see if she is on her way, if not I might need a ride. Hold on a second.

Me: Nope. Wait for your sister. Good bye. I hang up on him.

Next run:

Get sent to a call about 6 miles from there, I get there and there is another cab there. One of ours. Dude barely speaks english so is having a hard time finding the address, but he's blocking the driveway to the apt complex where he's supposed to go. Turns out we're both there for the same person. Dispatch error. I call them and we both got the call at the same time, etc. I tell them to take it from me and I'll go get something else. I get another call immediately (it's pretty busy out) to pick up someone 6 miles away, in 15 minutes.

As I drive by an Arby's they're still open so I pull into the drive thru. I make my order and pull up to the window. The girl in the window has an attitude when I hand her my money.

Me: Rough night?

She: Yeah.

Me: I know the feeling. Believe me.

She: I doubt you know what I mean. YOU don't have people that show up five minutes before you close, after you've already closed and cleaned everything and ask for food. RIGHT?

Me: I'm sorry, I didn't see any signs posted as to the hours and your "Open" lights are on. If I would have known you closed in 5 I wouldn't have driven up just for that reason. I used to work in fast food, I know what that's like.

She: points to the sign in the window that says 1a on fri and sat nights. Can you read THIS? MAN. No wonder you're a cab driver.

Me: Since I'm getting a little bit irritated by now. Excuse me, but didn't I just buy enough shit from this over priced shithouse to pay your hourly wage?

She: WHAT?

Me: If you hate your job, or doing what you have to do because you work for someone else, take it out on yourself, not your CUSTOMER. How much fun would your life be because someone called your manager in the morning and explained your attitude and you got fired? It's not that easy to find a job in this day and age.

She just looked at me like I'm the biggest bitch in the world.

Me: Keep your damned food. I'm sure if you didn't spit in it you didn't cook it well.

And I drove off to pick up the other girl I get sent to, I have about 9 minutes to get there. I get there with 2 to spare and she's getting into someone else's car.

She: I'm sorry. My friend got here before you did, I don't need a ride no more.

I void the call and get sent to another, about 3 miles away which turns out to be the same woman that didn't have any money. She called us AGAIN when I wouldn't take her before and just got lucky enough to get me. She walks up:

Me: So I see you have a different name this time, does that mean you have MONEY now?

She: Listen, ma'am, I am not kidding with you, my friend will pay when ...

Me: Nope.

I drove off. Had enough. Went home at a little before 2a and stayed until 6a. Gassed up the cab and dropped it at work.

There was no way this night was going to be salvaged, I was in too bad of a mood to put up w/anyone else.

On the plus side: when I got home I watched VH-1's "Top 100 songs of the 90's" (about 2.5 hours total after you tivo all the commercials) and got to see a lot of "where are they now" stuff. Most surprising was the lead singer of Color me Badd ("I Wanna Sex You Up") ... older, much fatter, owns a tire store in Oklahoma.

That cheered me up. heh. Sorry for the long write, I had to vent.

I got a comment from a customer t'other day ...

2008-05-20T14:44:00.000-07:00

so lemme tell ya about him.

I got sent to the Troutdale airport to pick up a fella there late one night. I've never been to this 'port, barely even knew there WAS one so was unaware there is 2 separate entrances. I went with the address I was given by dispatch (which turns out is not what addr the cust gave, disp was less than helpful here) to the North Entrance. Wrong entrance. I call up dude from there and find out he's at the South Entrance and he gives me the address. I punch it into my handy-dandy GPS and off I go.

Driving. Driving. Looking ... wait ... one second ... this is ... ARGH! The address is bringing up frontage road on the other side of the freeway where the truck stop and whatnot are. Sheesh. I drive back around to the 'port (all one ways) and I finally find the S Entrance and the customer. At least he's easy on the eyes. ;o) He gets in and we're off to the Sandy Airport.

Now I did not know there was a 'port in Sandy, (it's a fairly small town on the way up Mt. Hood) much less two of 'em! Who'da thunk. We wander on out there and are chatting on the way, turns out the 2nd 'port is for private planes for the adventuresome types (cust is looking to be a hang glider).

We were chatting about this kinda stuff that I know pretty much nothing of as I'm atmospherically challenged, but I told him to check down at the McMinnville 'port as they have gliders you can rent so might point him in the right direction. (I know this 'cuz I bought an hour a few years back for a bf's bday after I saw the latest 'Thomas Crowne Affair'. I thought the movie was sexy and was trying to recreate the mood. The bf's vomit however ... not so sexy)

Trivia: across from this 'port there is also the museum that was built for the Spruce Goose. How many of you knew this big ol' girl ended up in lil ol' Oregon - other than Adena o'course?!

We finally make it to the 'port about 1/2 hr later, down some windy-ass road in the hills with no lights and trees everywhere. Hard to believe you can fly/land a plane out there but we find it. As he's getting out he asks for directions to get back to the freeway to get to way out N Ptld. I tell him and ask if he has a map. Nope, so I gave him my Thomas Guide (I have a couple - req. of the company) and then had to explain to him how to use it. I've never met anyone that has never seen/used one before. That was kinda fascinating. I 'splained how to use it and left him on his own, I would've had him follow me back but I had to go get someone down south.

I drove off and wasn't paying too much attention to the roadways and got lost. Sadly, my GPS doesn't help when I'm lost, it'll show me the road I'm on and connections but can't help me with the lost thing. If I'da had my Thomas Guide however ... :o)

Anyway. Lost. Me. On the back side of Mt Hood at 2a. And not ashamed to admit it. But, too damned stubborn to turn around. It was pretty entertaining, especially 1/2 an hour later when I ended up at Hwy 26 up near Welches. Way far away from where I was needing to be. Then had to haul ass down to West Linn to pick up the customer I came out to pick up to begin with.

I crack myself up sometimes. :o)

Anyone else have any lost stories?!

I don't usually work on Monday nights ...

2008-05-20T05:35:00.000-07:00

... but I had someone to pick up from W Linn at about 3:30a so I went out at 11p. Lucrative but odd night.

I picked up this young (19) severely physically challenged girl tonight from Milwaukie and took her to Sandy. She was in the car for awhile as we had to make a stop as well and she was very talkative. I can't recall the entire conversation as it went on and on. And on. But basically the upshot is:

* She's affianced to the guy that was tried and convicted of sexually abusing her when she was 12 and he was 23.

* She is living off the state and about to move into another apartment but is having a hard time as the state won't allow him into any of the state-run facilities due to the large number of children and handicapped ppl.

* Being a convicted sex offender he has to register when/where -ever he moves. She hadn't heard this before. I brought it up while we were discussing the state's lack of help with her move and she said he told her he is a "special case" in the state's eyes since he was innocent to begin with. "He only pled guilty because he didn't want to cause a rift in the family as it was his mother that turned him in for the abuse so he shouldn't have to register. Someone working for the state is slow in getting the paperwork changed."

*He's pushing her to get her caseworker to make a special exception for him to be made a "caregiver" for her so he can get the money that her current caregiver is getting as he cannot look for a job since he's a felon. According to him no one will hire him so why even bother trying.

* He has found an attorney that is willing to go to court and defend him from the sexual abuse charges now since he is marrying the girl he "supposedly" abused. But only after she gets moved and is able to pay for his atty.

These are just the points I couldn't get out of my head, there was quite a bit more.

How about an opinion here?

2008-05-12T17:40:00.000-07:00

I am of a FIRM belief that drunken driving is the most dumbety dumbass thing that people can do. It is right up there on my list of pet peeves. And I have a list, believe that. I'm not a drinker myself - never have been - and I don't have anything against folks that can control themselves while imbibing, at least to the point of not endangering everyone else's lives by getting behind the wheel. BUT, really, we need tougher laws on the drinker/drivers.

I HAVE A SOLUTION ...

Make alcohol illegal! Just kidding. Sort of. I mean, what's the purpose to it other than to screw with your system ... just like drugs. That's a whole different rant there.

Anyway, my solution:

Why not just take their damned car when they're caught? Seriously. I think that even the deepest drunk driver might think twice about it if they lose their CAR. And their license as well. Yes, yes. I realize that there are some people that can buy another fairly cheaply, and yet others can afford to buy a different colored BM'er for every day of the week but damn it! Crack down on these effers.

Imagine the revenue for the city/county/state that could be made from the auctioning of said cars. I need to get one of these politicians in on this one. Could be a deal breaker. Or vote maker as the case may be.

It's amazing to me what is considered socially acceptable when you're drinking these days as compared to when I was young and partying. (Yet another rant but along the same lines so I just threw it in here. :o)

Cab driving has finally made me jaded. More jaded than I was to begin with anyway. ;o)

It's not that I don't have stories ...

2008-05-05T08:50:00.000-07:00

I'm just getting kinda bored with the internet thang. ::sigh:: Nothing against you'se guys, I miss ya all, it's a weather thing. I wanna be out there enjoying the sun. I'm sure lots of you understand.

I'll write something more ... sometime ... soon ... ish.

:muah!:

I forgot I promised to say something to these guys:

Picked up these two younger-ish fellas from a bus stop at SW Washington and 4th. One flags me and gets in the car and yells at the other to get in.

He: Hey! Pringle!! Get in the car.

Me: You named your friend after a potato chip? Wassup w/that?

He: Oh yeah. His name's Matt Pringle and he loves it when people ask him about his name.

Me: I bet.

He: No really. Ask him.

Me: Nope. I make it a point not to do what people tell me to.

He: just looks at me real funny

Me: Yeah, I'm real popular with the boys.

Meanwhile his friend lopes back to the cab and opens the door.

He: Hey man, show her why you like it when people ask you about your name!

Dude finishes opening the door, turns around, pulls his pants down to his knees and points at his left ass cheek where there is a tattoo of the Pringle guy.

Me: Nice. Nice ass. I suppose now you want a sweet-ass deal on the ride huh?

Groans all around. :o)

Toodles

So, no blog-worthy stories ... until this one.

2008-04-14T17:08:00.001-07:00

And it's just sad.

I got sent to pick up a young girl and her friends Saturday night from Denny's @ the Lloyd Ctr. 2 girls, 2 guys, all about 18 +/- and loud. Arguing the whole way out to about 119th and NE Sandy. They changed their minds 4 times as to where they were going. Not a whole lot that can be more annoying to a cabbie. We all have our ways of getting somewhere, mine is usually the most direct. If the freeway's involved that's great, if not I'll factor in lights and traffic. The freeway is my friend.

Anyway. I get them out there, it's $29 on the meter (would have only been about $16 w/out the scenic route). They start arguing about who's going to pay what, etc. Loud, cussing, yelling at each other and bitching about how much it cost to me. I tried - once - to explain why it cost so much but they weren't listening so I gave up and just waited for them to work it out.

They all hand their money to the bigger - and I assume - older of the 4. Consequently the loudest as well. It's all in crumpled up one's. She has a handful. Starts to count it out then she says:

BG: Hey guys, I can't count this high.

Me: blink

Other Girl: You know I can't count that either.

Me: ahem Hey, I can count your money for you if you'd like.

BG: Ha-yell no! My momma tol' me to never trust no cab driver. Now I know's why since it cost so much to get here. I'm just looking at her in the mirror. She smirks at me and says to her friends: One'a ya'll count this.

Boy1: Whaddaya mean you cain't count that high?

BG: I don't NEED to count. My momma does it for me.

Me: Look, the meter's running while you sit here so why don't you count it out in groups of 5. When you get to 6 groups, that's thirty dollars.

BG: WHAT? I ain't PAYin' you while's we sit here. You think we's STUPID?

Me: Nope. BUT, if you're in the car, the meter's running. Count out your money and let's get going.

She started counting, slowly, when the other guy grabbed it for her and started counting. Quickly. Thankfully.

Boy2: So what all does your momma count for you if you can't count money?

BG: My momma counts my babies and tells me that if I have one more than I'll get enough money for rent on my own place.

The kid hands me my money and they get outta the car.

I almost cried. Gotta start seriously being concerned for our future.

I hope this guy isn't married 'cuz it's too funny not to put on here.

2008-04-01T07:22:00.000-07:00

Was coming back into town across the Broadway Bridge last weekend around 12:30a and decided to head by Solo on 13th/Lovejoy to see if anyone needed a ride. I get flagged by this tall black fella and the almost as tall blond with him. They were both pretty far gone and he popped off with some comment that I don't remember but I popped off back and the girl found me incredibly funny.

She: I love this girl! You're the coolest cab driver I've ever met.

Me: You just got in the car. Gimme a few minutes, you'll either love me or hate. Don't seem to have many in betweens.

He: Yeah, well, we're off to the Hotel Monaco. You know where that is?

Me: Yup.

We head out. They're back there kissing on each other and talking kinda quietly and when we got to the hotel they decided they wanted to hit a 7-11 for munchies. I took off again as went to the one at Broadway/Market. He apparently said something that got on her nerves because she started talking to me.

She: Hey Cabbie?

Me: Yup.

She: Let's say you had someone famous in your car. Just as a for instance.

He: Sh! Don't tell her who I am.

She: And let's say, for instance, this person was the assistant coach of the Minnesota Timberwolves. What would you say to him?

Me: Um, well, if I DID happen to have that person, hypothetically, in my car I would have to say something about how badly his team lost tonight to the Blazers. BUT I'm not a basketball fan. I like my baseball.

She: Oh YEAH!! God I LOVE this woman!!

He: Oh come on now, our team's season is going to end at the same time as yours. You're no better than we are.

Me: Yeah, but we got Brandon Roy. What've you got?

He: ...

She: She told YOU!! I tell you the ONLY good looking guy to come out of Minnesota was SomeGuyWho'sNameIDon'tRemember. But apparently one of his players.

They argued about that for a minute then we got to 7-11. He got out, asked her what she wanted then asked me.

Me: I'm good. Thanks anyway.

He: I'm going to get you some water.

Me: I have some. Really I'm good.

He went in. She started chatting with me. Telling me she was some sort of ad exec and just met this guy, there was no WAY she was going back to his hotel with him, just got to know him because she was hoping he'd introduce her to that one good looking ball player. Started talking about how she had slept with all these ball players, etc, but didn't DO asst coaches.

Me: Well, you KNOW this guy's in there buying beer for you both, right?

She: No way. I told him I didn't want any more to drink tonight.

Me: Watch.

He came walking out, had a bottle of water and 2 half racks of Bud. I started laughing, she just snorted.

He: Here you go Cabbie.

Me: Thanks. I'll just put it here with my other bottle of water. We drive off.

He: See now, to her aren't I sweet to get her something. Cabbie? How many people buy you things when they're in your car?

Me: Honestly? Just about every person or group I take through a drive thru or to a convenience store.

He: What?

Me: Yep. Almost every time. I appreciate it though.

She: She got you man.

He: Yeah, but it was sweet of me, wasn't it?

She: Well, actually, no.

He: Bull. It was incredibly sweet of me.

She: Truthfully, it's pretty standard. You heard her.

He: What?

Me: snorted "Standard".

She: You are Super-Standard.

He was completely quiet for a moment as we pulled up to the hotel.

Me: Wow. In the wrong context that word is one of the meanest words I've heard in awhile.

He: All right. I'm done talking to you cab driver.

They get out, he pays me and tips me an extra $10 above the fare.

As they're standing on the sidewalk I hear her call her friend: "I'm at the Hotel Monaco, you have GOT to come get me, right now."

I drive off laughing.

Oops.

2008-03-29T23:15:00.000-07:00

Created by OnePlusYou - Free Online Dating

Good thing I don't use the same hosting co. as V @ IronFist. Also, got this from Everybody Loves Hilly.

St Patty's 2008 (Saturday)

2008-03-26T12:12:00.000-07:00

Here's some fun little short stories for ya:

* I had these 2 guys that were pretty amusing in my car heading across the bridge to the Doug Fir for some late night dining. We were having a good time yukking it up about most everything and we got on the subject of swimming. Somehow.

Guy2: C'mon now, you think ALL swimmers were on cocaine?

Guy1: Of course they were. What guy in his right mind would shave all the hair off his body?

Me: You mean, aside from latex play?

Both: EW!

Me: You KNOW they had to be on drugs, lookit that 'stache on Mark Spitz fer Crissakes!

Guy1: You mean the pre-Selleck 70's mustache?!

Guy2: I saw BOTH his mustaches.

Me: Don't do it.

Guy1: Whatcha mean?

Guy2: Inside that speed-o? Dude had JJ Walker between his legs, man.

Me: Ya did it.

Guy1: Holy shit! That's just wrong.

Guy2: Dy-no-mite!!

* Picked up this group of youngsters going from Clancy's across the bridge to the Chesterfield. The guy that sat up front I've picked up before. I remember him because every time he gets in my cab he always has to ask if I'm the lesbian cab driver. Every time.

Me: Hey Edgar, how you doin' tonight?

He: Oh yeah, I remember you! I'm great.

Me: Smells like you've been spending some time yakking in the alley. You feeling all right?

He: Yeah. Better now anyway. Now wait a minute ... are you the dike?

Guy in back: Naw man. Remember, she's the one that looks like a dike but isn't. Why do you keep forgetting?

Edgar: Oh yeah, that's right. Eyeballs me for a second. You DO realize you look like a dike, right?
Me: Yes. It's 'cuz I'm fat and wear a baseball hat. I know, I know. You say this every time I see you.

Humph.

* Got sent to this little hole in the wall place called the Desert Inn on S McLaughlin one night to pick up some guy named Chad. I was coming up from Canby so was passing by anyway, took me about 15 minutes to get myself there. I get there and find my guy and his gal, both pretty far gone into their drink.

Me: Howdy folks. Where we off to?

She: We're going to this bar called Something. (I forgot what she said)

He: Naw, remember, they changed the name of it.

Me: Um, well, what's the new name of it?

He: The Porterhouse.

Me: Yer shitting me, right?

He: Nope. That's where we're going.

Me: You called a cab to take you ... what? 100 feet?

He: It's your fucking JOB right? Just take us there. to her See baby, I told you I'd get you a ride.

Me: Shit. Yer right, it IS my fucking job. You guys strapped in?

She: What do you mean?

Me: Well, you hafta wear your seat belt. Safety first and all that.

He: To go 100 feet?

Me: Well, if you're going to call a cab to take you next-fucking-door then yer going to put on your belt to go next-fucking-door.

She: Can you talk to him like that?

Me: Well, I'm just looking out for your safety. If he doesn't want me to get a bit irritated then maybe he shouldn't call a cab to take him next-fucking-door. Seat belts?

They both strap in, bitching about it the whole time. We take our 15 second ride.

He: Hey, how come you didn't start your meter?

Me: Ah heck, obviously you need your money to keep your woman happy so I'm giving you a free ride.

He: Um. Let me give you some money for the ride.

Me: Aw jeez mister (in my best leave it to beaver voice), that's awfully sweet of you, but really free ride. Get the fuck out.

ST Patty's 2008 (Friday)

2008-03-19T20:59:00.000-07:00

I took most of the last 3 weeks off because I was ill, but I had to work St Patty's weekend.

Fri: I got sent to The Matador to pick up a couple from outta town 'round about 1a. It's in a pretty busy area for cabs that are wandering around so I doubted they would still be there, I called from 2 blocks away.

Me: Hey there. This is your taxi, are you still in need of a ride?

She: quite drunk Yesh! Gawd, it's cold out here. Where are you?

Me: I'm at the light about 2 blocks away, I'll see you in about 30 seconds, are you in front of the door or at the corner?

She: We're on the corner in front. Please hurry, it's cold!

Me: I'll be right there.

I get there and there's no one on the corner, or in front of the bar, other than people that were already loading into cabs. Being the good little cabbie that I am I drove around the block(s) (we have a lot of 1 ways, have to go a coupla blocks outta the way to get back to where they were to be) 3 times. I called, got their voice mail, left a msg and went about my night.

I picked up a fella on Burnside going to the inner east side to about 16th and Hawthorne. As I was dropping him I got a call from those same people at the Matador, the guy this time.

Me: Hello.

He: Yeah, we talked to you and you said you were only 2 blocks away. What happened?

Me: Are you the folks at the Matador?

He: Hell yes, and it's cold out here.

Me: I drove by there 3X, no one was outside and I called, got your vmb and left a msg. What else was I to do?

He: Damn it. We're still waiting on you. All right, since you SAY you left a msg I'll let this one slide. Can you come get us or not, it's fuckin' cold out here. We've been waiting for a goddamned long time.

Me: Yeah, well it HAS been 25 minutes. Who waits 25 effin minutes to call back when the cab said they would be there in 30 seconds? I can be there in less than 10, I'm just across the bridge now. Do you want to wait for me or would you like to take a cab that's driving by?

He: Well, you ARE the one that's supposed to come get us so we'll damn well wait on you. Don't you leave us hanging, again. What's your name?

I told him, said I'd be right there and drove over. I get there, no one on the corner again. This time I pull up in front of the bar w/my flashers and call them. Never know, they might be waiting inside since they were so cold. Got voice mail again. Idiots.

I left them a msg: "Hey, this is your cabbie again. I'm here, you aren't. If you are still in the area and need a ride give me a call back soon and I'll come give you a free ride to your hotel. I don't know what happened but call me if you need a ride."

I picked up a couple and were taking them to inner NE when I get a voice mail. I didn't hear it ring. It was the drunk woman from that couple.

She: Hey, I don't know what the fuck happened to you but we're still waiting, on the same FUCKING corner and you NEVER fucking showed! What the FUCK? Is this how Portland FUCKING Oregon treats people from out of state? Yeah well I think ... click.

Whew. Now I'm feeling REAL bad about not picking them up. Mmm hm. Shame my whole city because they weren't where they said they would be and answering their phone.

I picked up a group of folks from a bar and was telling them about this couple when they called back. I just let it go straight to vmb. They left another msg. I listened to it and then put it on speaker for the folks in the back.

She: Hey! I don't know what the FUCK is fucking wrong with you but you fucking SUCK! Fucking Portland Oregon fucking SUCKS! I think I'm going to call the fucking city and complain about you. You're the biggest piece of shit to ever come out of Portland fucking Oregon! Here we are, still standing in front of the Matador fucking bar and you won't even fucking come and get us. Well FUCK you and your fucking city! FUCK YOU! and then she says Hi, can we get our room key?

We laughed.

Interesting Night ...

2008-03-04T16:06:00.000-08:00

I got sent to ST V's ER twice to pick up 3 different customers in one night:

* I got info on my screen that says "cust in waiting area". Great, that means I get to go into the - usually - packed waiting room where people are yelling and screaming, crying, etc and yell out for someone that won't give their cell # or wait outside or near the door for me to get there. I do so ... cust's name is "Loughridge".

I yell out for "Low-ridge". No answer. I yell out again (I only give them 2 tries) and I hear a woman yell back "Are you trying to find someone named 'Luff-ridge'? You MUST be the cab driver to pronounce it like THAT. *snort* Idiot! No wonder it took you so long to get here. You probably got lost."

I homed in on her voice as she's berating me, most everyone else in the waiting room was looking at me, quite a few were snickering. She is busy packing up her stuff and laughing with the person sitting next to her while pointing at me.

Me: I'll be sure and tell the next cab driver how to pronounce your name. And I turn around to leave.

She: Hey!! Where are you going?

Me: Well, I'm sure you don't want someone as idiotic as me driving you home. I might get lost and then be late. Don't worry, it's Friday night, it should only take another hour or two to get you a different cab. Have a good night.

* Picked up this older fella (mid-50's) that was waiting at the door for me. As I'm taking him home he's telling me about how he ended up in the ER - car accident. I make the appropriate sounds and he expounds to tell me that his wife was driving - at HIS demand - even though they were both drunk after a party.

He: Hell yeah, we were both drunk, I wasn't near as drunk as she was but there is no WAY I'm going to get a DUI so I made her drive. Stupid woman drives around the corner and runs head-on into someone else. Me and the person in the other car both went to the ER, my wife went to jail. Stupid woman.

Me: So, uh, how's the other person?

He: How the hell would I know?

I left that one alone.

* About 3a I get sent back to pick up this tiny, little old lady. I'm guessing she's in her mid-80's. I got her from one of the nurses pushing her in a wheelchair. Really sweet woman, we had an interesting chat about crafting and whatnot. When it gets quiet she starts talking.

She: almost whispering I can't believe I did this again.

Me: I'm sorry, were you talking to me? I make it a personal policy to not ask questions when I'm picking up from a hospital, I often hear things I wanna know nothing about.

She: No ... but ... I can't believe I did this again.

Me: What's that? Still not quite sure what she's speaking of.

She: I got a DUI.

Me: blink You were drinking and driving?

She: Yes. Again.

Me: You make this a habit, do ya? grin

She: This is my 4th. The nice police officer said they will probably take my license this time. How am I going to go dancing NOW? My son is going to KILL me!

Wow.

"Yes, you ARE stupid."

2008-03-01T08:30:00.000-08:00

I got sent to pick up a guy Friday night, about 1a, an "account" call downtown. This is a pretty busy time for us, but no one else would take it as you don't get cash money for this one, you get "credit" that goes to the company and we use it towards our lease. Turned out to be a fairly good run so I was willing.

I get to where I'm to pick him up and follow the instructions on the screen "Pick up at bench, wait at the corner of 5th/Pine". Easy enough, he was coming out of the building 1/2 way down the block (US Bank Bldg) but would meet me there. The city is working on the streets downtown (bless 'em) so I parked at the corner of 5th/Pine next to the only bench around. And it's a big one, goes around a tree, probably 20 ft ea way around.

I wait, and wait and wait. Finally call dispatch and get them to call the cust as we aren't allowed to have phone numbers on acct calls. They get back to me on the radio saying they can't get out of him where he is so they're just sending me the number and "good luck". (They've done this before if they can't understand the person, apparently I decipher drunk better than they. :o) It must be bad if they're sending me the number. I look at the screen again, he's an AMS patient. Neat. AMS = Altered Mental State. I've run into quite a few of these folks before, most of them aren't that bad.

I call the guy:

Me: Hi is this Daniel (I don't remember his name)?

He: Yes. Who is this?

Me: This is your cab driver, where are you?

He: I'm at 5th and Pine. Where are you? You're supposed to be here, right NOW to get me.

Me: I am here. I am parked at the corner of 5th and Pine.

He: No. You aren't.

Me: blink Yes. I am. Next to the bench.

He: I don't see you. You aren't here. If you don't come here RIGHT NOW I'm going to call your company and say you aren't fulfilling your contractual obligation to pick me up and I'm going to get you fired, RIGHT NOW.

Now that one kinda irritated me.

Me: I AM here, on THE CORNER of 5th and Pine. Where are you?

He: I am where I am supposed to be.

Me: OK, are you sitting on the bench?

He: NO.

Me: Then you aren't where you're supposed to be, so let me figure out exactly where you are so we can get you home. OK?

He: OK.

Me: So where ARE you? OK, I admit it, I'm a little frustrated now.

He: I'm at the corner of 5th and Pine. You are NOT HERE. I am CALLING YOUR COMPANY RIGHT NOW AND GETTING YOU FIRED FOR NOT BEING HERE!

Me: DANIEL. Stop that, I am leaning on the corner of my car, AT the corner of 5th and Pine. I'm looking back to where he is supposed to come out of the building, a bunch of people just came out but only 1 is on his phone at that moment. Are you wearing a black jacket and a black hat?

He: I can see him looking down at himself. Yes.

Me: All right, look to your right. He looks to his left. No, the other direction. He looks right at me. Do you see me waving at you?

He: Looking RIGHT at me. No.

Me: ... what the ... For Crissakes Daniel, you're looking right at me.

He: He looks at me for another moment then looks to his left again. I don't see you, I think you're on 4th street. Can't you COUNT? You're supposed to be here to get me at 1:05 am, you're LATE. You're supposed to pick me up at 5th and Pine, at the park bench.

Me: at this point I'm walking across the street to get him. DANIEL. I'm your cab driver. Come with me. He's only about 30 feet from my cab. And where is this park bench?

He: That one, he points, right there.

Me: looking There is no park bench there.

He: Of course not, the city took it out months ago when they started working on the street. Sheesh.

Me: mentally tearing his altered mental state out of his ass. Then you shouldn't tell us to pick you up at the bench. I was waiting at that bench pointing next to my cab because it's the only one here.

He: But you cab drivers always pick me up at THAT bench. again pointing to the one that isn't there.

Me: But Daniel, if there is no bench there, how am I supposed to pick you up there?

He: Because you know where it is. DUH! What are you ... stupid?

Me: Gawd, this is going to be a long ride. No, I'm no stupid Daniel. Here's my cab, let's go. I open the back door for him.

He: Yes, you ARE stupid. I knew it, you aren't at 5th and Pine.

Me: Daniel, look at the sign, right here, next to the cab. Can you read that? It says "5th" and the other says "Pine".

He: Yes, I can read. I'm not STUPID like you. You are parked on the wrong street. I think you need to go back to kindergarten so you can learn to read. You're so stupid. You can't even find the bench you're so stupid.

This is way too much like 2nd grade for me. I was afraid I'd end up throwing him in the sand box like I did with Jodiwiththebigboobsin2ndgrade for making fun of me for having freckles.

Me: Slamming the back door shut before he gets in. Daniel, I tell you what, why don't you go sit on your park bench, I'm going to have to call you another cab. I'm too stupid to find your house and I would hate to have you stuck in my cab. Have a good night.

And I drive off before he could say another word.

Oh my GAWD. I can only take so much, even from AMS people. THIS is why I'm a cab driver and not working with the indigent.

Two for the price of one.

2008-02-26T12:46:00.000-08:00

I picked up these two younger fellas last night that reminded me of another ride of which I'm unsure whether or not I told you, and I'm too lazy to go look so you'll get both here. :o)

1) I got sent to pick up these two young boys (about 18-ish) standing on the corner of MLK and NE Broadway at about 3:45a. I grab 'em and we're off to MLK/Killingsworth for the 1st one and MLK/Lombard for the other. Less than10 to drop them both.

Me: Hey fellas, what brings you boys out here this time o' the night?

YB1: sitting behind me We just got released from the justice center.

Me: Ah. Got arrested huh? Didn't kill your cab driver or anything like that didja?

YB1: both laugh Naw. Nothing like that. We got pulled over earlier, about 10p. Turns out we both have warrants for our arrest. They towed my car too. They let us out about 3:15a and we walked all the way up here. I didn't know nothing about no bench warrant.

YB2: Yeah, 'Criminal Trespass'. What the fuck is that?

Me: Dunno. But hey, at least they let you out fairly quickly.

YB1: Yeah, but motherfuckers 'lost' my money. Now I'm broke. At least they gave me my phone. I gotta make a call. calls what I assume is his gf, speaking quietly. Hey baby. Yeah they let me out. You want me to come over? I really wanna see your beautiful face. I'm in a cab. No, I ain't got no money. Can you pay for it? C'mon baby, you know I love you the most. Yes. I will. What? OK. Nevermind then, I'll call you tomorrow lover. to YB2: She ain't got it. Any other ideas?

Me: after I pulled over to the side of the road. Hey guys, if you don't have any money on you then I can't drive you any further. Policy. Sorry.

YB1: All right. All right, gimme a second here.

Me: Make it a quick second, the meter's running.

YB1: K. Makes another phone call Hey baby. Yeah they finally let me out now I can come see your beautiful face. Yeah, I'm in a cab, can you swing it? No, the fuckers took my money. All of it. I know. I'm gonna sue. Baby, the meter's running, can you pay for me? Ah, there's my girl. You know I love you the most. I'll be there in about 5 minutes. Just leave the money in the mailbox and I'll come crawl in bed with you. My cousin's gonna stay on the couch, OK? See you soon baby. To me All right sweetie, I gotcha covered. My girl's gonna pay the fare. Just take us both to MLK just offa Lombard.

I get them there, she left him a hundred dollar bill in the mailbox. We had to go to the gas station on the corner to get change.

2) I don't remember the wording on this one, it was a while back, but these guys reminded me of this one. I got sent to pick up a young black fella one night, fairly late from inner SE and I just happened to be around the corner so I got to him within a minute. He came running out to the car and jumped in, in a real hurry, and he was extremely happy I got there so quickly.

I remember him asking me to hurry and get going, I asked him if he had some woman's husband after him, he said it was his gf, and she was pissed. I laughed it off and got going, taking him to this big ol' nasty complex way out on N Columbia right before the Port. Where the ships are, not the airport.

On the way out there his phone rings and someone starts screeching at him loud enough I could hear her. Turns out she was in the bathroom, getting cleaned up so they could have a good time. He called a cab and left her. She was - understandably - quite upset. He finally calmed her down, told her his mom called and he had to leave, etc, he would come back tomorrow.

Then his phone rings again. Conversation was basically "Yeah baby, I'm on my way, I just left my mom's house and I'll be there in about 15. You sure you got the money to pay for the cab?" Etc.

Well, I had to ask about it. The 1st girl is his gf, but the 2nd is this girl he'd been trying to get with for awhile, she's drunk and wanting to see him so he left his gf to go see her.

I remember saying something about how you're supposed to get some from the 1st one before you go get it from the 2nd, otherwise he's gonna end up shot by some frustrated woman. Not to mention if the 1st finds out about the other. Jeez. :o)

"So, which one am I: fat or ugly?"

2008-02-22T11:36:00.001-08:00

Got sent to the Crystal Ballroom to pick up some folks a few nights ago (4 ppl, 3 stops) and the last one was this skinny little girlish/waif person that was somewhat drunk and fairly amusing to talk to. We were chatting about a lot of stuff and she mentioned that they were part of this group of ppl that met on the 'net at a website for "folks that have a hard time making friends". She gave me the 'site and I took her home.

Little while later I picked up a couple going two different places as well, guy first then the girl. She ended up in Troutdale so we had some time to chat. I was telling her cab stories and whatnot, mentioned that I have a blog w/them, she asked for the address and then I said:

Me: Speaking of which, I picked up this girl earlier that was telling me about this other website for "People that have a hard time meeting and making friends". I thought that was a bit amusing.

She: Oh, yeah. I could see how that would be funny. Might be what you need though.

Me: .... do I LOOK like I have a hard time making friends?

She: somewhat embarrassed No, no. Not at all, I'm sorry, I just meant ... well ... you are kind of big.

Me: OH. So you think it's a website for fat people.

She: more embarrassed NO. Oh my God that's not what I meant at all. I'm sure there are a bunch of really unattractive people there as well.

Me: Hunh. This was getting amusing. So, which one do you think I am: fat or ugly?

She: incredibly embarrassed now (to my amusement) Holy ... Jesus ... you're twisting what I'm saying all around. That is NOT what I meant to say. I don't mean to insult you...

Me: Yet you are. Tell ya what ... why don't you take a minute and say exactly what you DO mean. I can wait.

She: I ... OK. A few minutes go by then to me ... You're mean.

Me: So I've been told. Apparently fat and ugly as well.

She: I didn't ... well ... OK ... I did ... but I didn't mean to ... but ... I ... never mind. I'm done talking to you.

And she didn't say anything the rest of the ride. I was still pretty darned amused.

"Hey Baby, how you doin'?"

2008-02-12T09:55:00.000-08:00

I got sent to Bushwackers in Tualatin (cowboy bar) to pick up someone, had to check w/the 'tender when I got there. He tells me he'll send them out. I'm sitting in the car next to the door when they come out ... all 8 of them. I thought some were just escorting the others but turns out they all want a ride. And they're LOUD. Not much annoys me more than loud people (except for businesses that have a misspelled sign, but that's another rant). I'll usually try to accommodate any groups as long as it doesn't interfere w/my driving.

After some back n' forth twixt us we finally agree to try to get them where they're going if they can all fit in, they're only "... going a little ways, just to the hotel down the road."

So we get 4 guys in the back, on the bottom, 2 girls on top of the guys in back and 2 guys up front. In front I have this little skinny cowboy named Tom next to me and a really large fella named Benny next to the door. As they're closing the back door Tom decides to start a "conversation" with me.

Tom: Hey baby, how you doin'?

Me: I'm fine. And you guys?

Tom: We're better now that you're here baby. Hey, you're kinda cute, can I just ... the little idiot put his hand on my leg and tried to kiss me!

Me: Grabbing his hand and throwing it the other way while I back away from him. What the FUCK are you doing? Don't TOUCH me!!

1guyinback: Hey, don't worry about Tom, he's harmless.

1galinback: Tom, STOP that!

Tom: Oh, c'mon now baby completely ignoring the back seat, and me apparently I'm cute enough. He reaches over and grabs my leg again.

Me: All RIGHT! That's it. Everyone out.

1guyinback: What the FUCK?

Me: There is no CHANCE I'm taking you anywhere with this guy up front. Put him in back. You can either control him or I'll call you another cab.

1guyinback: Jesus, what's her problem?

Me: LISTEN ...

1galinback: He's being an asshole! Just put him in the back, she doesn't have to put up with his shit, or yours. I'm really sorry he's being like this, we'll put him in the back. Everyone OUT!

So they all get rearranged, Tom in the back on another guys lap, 2 other guys up front. They're in, we're off.

We make it out the parking lot and down the street when I notice my rearview is outta wack. I reach up to fix it ...

Tom: I'm sorry guys, I just gotta do this.

He reached under my arm and grabbed my right boob!! I pulled back so fast and Gosh I SWEAR I didn't mean to hit him in the face with my elbow. In the nose. And WOW was it ever quiet when he started screaming that his nose was broke and and started to bleed all over himself.

Upshot of all this: they all agreed that it was a complete accident and I wouldn't call the police and have him arrested for assault. Since I have pictures and all. They also gave me money for coming to get them, but decided it was best to wait for another cab.

I called the company and got them another cab.

Someone asked me the other night about my percentage of good to bad. I told them it was about 95/5. Some of them are worse than others, the nature of the business. I rank this one right at the top of that 5%.

And sorry all, I've been a bit busy lately.

"Hey! Call the police, I've been assaulted!!"

2008-01-22T13:12:00.002-08:00

I was wandering around downtown t'other night about 3a-ish with not a lot to do. Driving down 10th (a one-way) checking out the homeless people sleeping in the doorways, trying to imagine if I would be brave enough or desperate enough to do that if it came down to it. (Hey, I didn't go to college to become a cab driver but if you're desperate enough and WILLING there is always a job out there.) It's been a bit chilly here in Ptld lately, not like the rest of the country, but for us it's chilly and I like my heat.

Anyway, I'm at a light and I see these 2 young, good-looking fellas walking up the street towards me. As they're the only things moving at this time I eyeball 'em for a coupla seconds. They stop to eyeball some homeless guy sleeping in a doorway. They're standing right over the guy, looking at each other and laughing then one of them hauls his leg back and kicks the guy!! Right there! In front of me and God and just walk off. The bastards!!

I get on the phone right away, still waiting at the light and call the police. (I didn't call emergency, 'cuz I didn't feel it was an actual emergency, but I still got thru to the operator fairly quickly.) The boys walk by me as I'm talking on the phone and the old guy (turns out) jumps up and starts yelling at these guys, following them up the street.

He gets a little too close to them, threatening to kick them and they both rear on him and threaten to beat the ever-lovin' hell outta him so he backs off, but still follows them up the street, yelling. He sees me and yells: "Hey! Call the police, I've been assaulted!!" as they're just strolling by. They boys smirk at me and I pick up my handset and wave it at them ( I wear a headset so they couldn't tell I was actually on the phone) and then start walking faster.

I'm speaking to the operator, telling her what's going on, what I saw, etc. She's taking down the information, and is almost as outraged as I am at the mindless violence when I mention that it's a homeless guy. She cools immediately.

Basically she tells me that it's going to be awhile for the police to respond as there was something big that *just* happened downtown and all the officers were responding, as ordered. I try to explain to her that these guys are still walking up the street and could be caught fairly easily, she explains again that there are *no* officers available. But thank you for calling in.

Pssht.

There wasn't a whole lot I could do at that point so I drove up to where the old guy was laying and told the guy next to him (the only one awake) what the dispatcher said and that I was sorry, but I tried.

I feel bad, but honestly, I don't feel there was anything else I could do.

A little break in the cab action ...

2008-01-18T10:46:00.001-08:00

For your entertainment and education ... heh.

Traveler IQ Challenge

Have fun!

"I didn't call no cab."

2008-01-14T07:59:00.000-08:00

I got sent to grab a fella from about 26th-ish and Ainsworth, NE Ptld one early evening. It was still fairly nice out and there was this quite-a-bit-older black gent watering his lawn when I pulled up in front of his home.

Me: Hi there. Are you Jacob?

He: Ay-yup. He eyeballed me.

Me: OK, well then, I guess I'm here to pick you up.

He: I didn't call no cab.

Me: Ah. OK. Lemme check here a second, I might have the wrong address. I stick my head back in the car door and eyeball the computer screen quickly. I check the address on the screen and his: same. Well, it looks like this is the correct address. And you say your name is Jacob, yes?

He: Ay-yup.

Me: Weeelll, maybe someone in your house called a cab? Izzat possible?

He: Ha-yell no.

Me: Oh, I know, one second ... I read off the phone number that was given to me with the order. Is that your number?

He: Ay-yup.

Me: Well, there must be some sort of mistake then. I'm sor -

He: Dayum RIGHT you gots it wrong bitch. I didn't CALL no cab.

Me: Whoa. Sir, just because there's an error doesn't mean you need to be calling me -

He: Don't you TELL me what to do on MY proptee bitch. I TOLE you I didn't call no cab. Same thing I tole that other cab just left.

Me: Another cab was sent to this address?

He: What I said ain't it?

Me: Ah. Then someone must be playing some sort of childish game. I'm sor-

He: You say I'm playin some GAME?!!

Me: No sir. I said "someone -"

He: And by "someone" you means ME. I knows you do. I done TOLE you ... And dude turned his hose on me!!!

Me: GAH!! (That one's for you Wayne) and I ducked back into my cab quick enough to only get a little bit wet.

I was so busy laughing I could barely drive; only made it about 1/2 a block (out of hose range) before I had to pull over, get out of the car and shake myself like the dog he accused me of being.

"Hey, have a ham sandwich."

2008-01-12T05:12:00.000-08:00

I got sent to pick up a bartender from a bar down on lower McLaughlin earlier this week, about 3:30a. She was pretty amusing in a white trash/tweaker kind of way, and not going very far so it was a quick ride. We pulled up to her apartment complex:

Me: Which entrance?

She: The 2nd one, pull up next to the mail boxes.

Me: Driving in the entrance You mean the mail boxes there where the 1/2 naked guy is standing? There was a youngish white dude standing there wearing nothing but some camo cargo pants and a baseball cap, sideways. Eating a sandwich.

She: That's my 1/2 naked guy.

Me: Ah. Well ... isn't that sweet of him to stand out here and wait for you at this time of the morning.

She: Yeah, he worries about me.

While she's paying me he opens the front door of the cab and reaches in to me.

He: Hey, have a ham sandwich. He reaches in and tries to hand me a sandwich. Nothing but ham and *dripping* with mayonnaise. I HATE mayo. Not a big fan of ham either.

Me: Oh wow, um ... thanks, but no.

He: It's really good, I just made it.

Me: Really, thanks but I just ate.

She: He isn't going to stop until you take it.

He: Really, take the sandwich. It's left over from the holidays.

Me: Um ... New Years?

He: No, Christmas. I froze it. Let me get another sandwich for you. It's here on the mailbox. He steps back from the car and walks to the mailbox.

Me: To her, quietly I HATE mayonnaise, and ham. Really, tell him it's nothing personal, but I don't want his sandwich.

She: Just as quietly I have a hard time making him stop when he gets like this. Just take it. Even if you have to throw it out when you drive off. He'll get mad if you don't take it. Then I just have to deal with him all night. She hands me another $5.

I just kinda look at her for a sec ... he walks back to the car and reaches in with the other sandwich. Even MORE mayo. Eeeeewwwwwww. (I truly have this unnatural revulsion to mayo. But that's a rant for another time.)

Me: Looking at her, she's urging me to take it All right, wow, thanks. And I take it from him.

She gets out of the cab and closes the door. I look at him and ask him to close the door so I could leave.

He: You should eat that right away. It's still partially froze and I think the mayo is right on the edge.

Me: Oh wow, um thanks. I will. I gotta get back to work now. Lots to do.

He: Take a bite, let me know how it is.

Me: Dude, look, I was just trying to be polite, but I'm not going to eat your sandwich. Your girl begged me because she said you were going to get angry if I didn't take it, but honestly, I just don't like ham and I hate mayo. Why don't you just take this thing back and we'll both go about our business. K? And here, here's the 5 bucks she gave me to take it.

He eyeballs me for a minute, then slammed my car door, grabbed her by the arm and waltzed her toward their apartment.

I drove up to their garbage and dumped the sandwich. Eesh.

TUA: By the way ... today's my birthday, I'm officially old. Gawd. <--- My not so subtle hint for ya'll to tell me HB!! ;o)

"Ah yes, there's my beautiful wife"

2008-01-09T00:40:00.000-08:00

I picked up this somewhat affluent couple from the Ptld Golf Club t'other night - middle-aged attorneys - she was stumbling drunk, he wasn't even close to that. He poured her into my cab and got in behind me, we were off to NE Ptld, about 25 minutes, plus/minus.

We're tooling along and they aren't speaking much. He pretty much refuses to talk to me, which doesn't really phase me as he's got "that look" about him. She asks me how I'm doing and he tells her to "just be quiet" and she does, for about a minute, then she starts babbling about how drunk she is.

He: I'm hungry. Are you hungry? You didn't eat much. Of course you never do, you just drink.

She: I'm hungry for YOU baby.

He: Yes, well, I want food. How about we stop at the Whatever Bar (I didn't hear which one) and get some food? Maybe another drink?

She: I just want to go home baby.

He: Yes, well, I don't think you'll be able to cook anything decent in the state you're in so how about we stop and get something to eat? Maybe some of that Chinese that you're always sneaking when I'm not around?

She: Baby, I don't need any more to drink, I just want to fuck you! I holding that she thought she was whispering.

He: Ah yes, there's my beautiful wife. You can take the girl out of the trailer park and give her a 200K education, but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl.

She: Yeah, fuck you!

He: Yes, well, if we go to the bar then I'm telling you now, you don't get to talk. At all.

At this point the alcohol has caught up with her; her head is lolling about on the back of the seat and she's starting to breathe heavily. I've seen this look before. This isn't going to end well. We tool along for about 5 minutes in silence, when I'm guessing he was getting desperate as he started to make small talk with me.

We aren't really chatting about anything substantial (good thing too, I don't think my little cab-driver mind could have handled it) and stop at a light at the corner of MLK and Alberta, she opens the back door and leans out a bit.

Me: All rightee, I'm going to pull over now.

He: No, she's fine, just take us home instead of to the bar.

She: I ... um ... I don't ... feel ...

Me: OK, I'll pull over right up there in the parking lot. Are you going to be OK until then?

He: She is FINE. She will NOT get sick in a cab like a common drunkard. Take me home, and if she DOES, I can afford whatever fine you deem necessary for cleaning your cab.

Me: Oh no, I "deem it necessary" that I pull over and she DOESN'T get sick in my cab. I pulled over.

She thinks about it for a minute, he's just glaring at me in the rear view, not even bothering to help her get the door open or make sure she doesn't fall out of the car. I just smiled and shrugged put the car in park and told her that I was going to come around to help her out of the car. He's still glaring at me.

He: A-GAIN with the vomiting after a party. Can you iMAgine what the partners are saying about you right now? Thank GOD they can't see you now. My mother told me ...

She: All RIGHT! I'm fine. Take us home. For Crissakes you keep bringing up your mother whenever we get into an argument.

He: Well, just imagine what she's going to have to say when we get home and you're in THIS shape ... AGAIN.

She: Well, if the old BITCH didn't LIVE with us she wouldn't be talking about me behind my BACK.

He: Well, if you could work AND take care of our newborn then she wouldn't have HAD to move in with us. Look, we only have a few blocks, let's keep this from the cab driver, I'm sure she doesn't need to hear this.

Me: Or WANT to, where to?

I got them home about 2 minutes after that. Nothing more was said, there were some ugly glares going on though.

New Years 2007 Roundup

2008-01-02T19:36:00.000-08:00

It was filled with drunks and assholes, but nothing too out of control. I survived. heh. Here's a coupla highlights:

1st run o' the night: I had to pick up a fella 'round about 5:30p and take him to the liquor store. There was a line of cars out the parking lot to get a spot that was at least 15 vehicles. I parked on the street w/my flashers - one of the conveniences of driving a cab. While I was waiting for him (about 1/2 hr) a couple of young black men (4 of them, about 18 each) walked up to my passenger side and tried to get in. (I always keep my doors locked to prevent people just hopping in, especially while I'm waiting on someone.) When they couldn't get in one of them knocked on the front window, I rolled it down:

Me: Hey fellas, wassup?

Thug: You busy?

Me: Yeah, sorry, waiting on someone.

Thug: Oh, uh ... he then turns to his friends, one of them points to my front tire. He turns back to me ... Hey. Ok. Um, your front tire is fucked up.

Me: Oh, really? It didn't feel bad when I drove over here.

Thug: Yeah, well, maybe you hit something while you were driving here.

Me: OK. I'll check it out. We sit there staring at each other for a moment.

Thug: Are you going to check it out?

Me: Yup. In a bit. Thanks.

Thug: You should get out and check it now, it's really fucked up.

Me: Ya think? Right now, huh?

Thug: Yeah.

Me: And ... what? You guys are just waiting there in case I need help? Aren't you all fine, upstanding citizens.

They just looked at me for a minute and wandered off. I got out after they left, nothing wrong with the tire. I think those little bastards meant to do me some harm.

Drunks, drunks drunks ... got calls from people I haven't heard from all year ... "Hey, remember me? I know it's been awhile but we can't get through to the cab company and we really need a ride ... " Funny how that works out every major holiday.

At midnight, straight up I had this guy in my cab, not exactly talkative.

Me: HEY! Happy New Year!!

He: I don't celebrate your new year. We have one of our own.

Me: after a moment: Yeah, but obviously I do, so be polite and tell me thank you, then wish me a happy new year.

He did. But he wasn't happy about it. Didn't tip me either. heh.

drunks drunks drunks ... a lot of bar hoppers, one bar to the next, angry people because the cab wouldn't stop for them.

drunks drunks drunks

I have to stop at 5a (have a different cab, different hours: 5p-5a) so about 4:15a I was going to give it up when I get a call from someone I hadn't heard from in about 8 mths, she used to be a regular. She is on one side of the river, just hopping across to the other but couldn't get a cab so she tried me. (We still had about 75 calls sitting on the board to be attended to) I was just down the freeway so I said yes.

I had to stop and get gas 1st (I drove that much), when I got to where she was she came out, gave me $10 and said that she had given her cab away to someone that needed to catch a ride to the 'port as he was flying off to Denver. We had a fairly entertaining chat, I haven't been to Denver since I left Boulder 16 yrs ago and came up here so I was asking all kindsa questions. We get to the 'port and he hands me a 100 for his $30 fare. I give him $60 back and am digging out the rest of the change and he tells me not to worry about it.

Me: Are you sure? I still owe you $9.

He: No, that's fine. And here, take this too. He handed me another $100 bill. Have a great new year.

Me: You too. Thanks.

So, all in all; hectic, frenzied, no damage, high lucrative. Typical New Years Eve.

I hope you all had lovely holiday celebrations, whether you were out and about or just home being safe, snug and - in some cases - newly discovered as elderly. :o)

Personal opinion (or fact if it is): is it New Year's 2007 or 2008? It starts 2007 but ends 2008. Technically my night starts 2007 and ends 2007, no matter time/day I finish. At least for tax purposes. Anyone? ... anyone? Buehler??