"Hey! Call the police, I've been assaulted!!"

I was wandering around downtown t'other night about 3a-ish with not a lot to do. Driving down 10th (a one-way) checking out the homeless people sleeping in the doorways, trying to imagine if I would be brave enough or desperate enough to do that if it came down to it. (Hey, I didn't go to college to become a cab driver but if you're desperate enough and WILLING there is always a job out there.) It's been a bit chilly here in Ptld lately, not like the rest of the country, but for us it's chilly and I like my heat.

Anyway, I'm at a light and I see these 2 young, good-looking fellas walking up the street towards me. As they're the only things moving at this time I eyeball 'em for a coupla seconds. They stop to eyeball some homeless guy sleeping in a doorway. They're standing right over the guy, looking at each other and laughing then one of them hauls his leg back and kicks the guy!! Right there! In front of me and God and just walk off. The bastards!!

I get on the phone right away, still waiting at the light and call the police. (I didn't call emergency, 'cuz I didn't feel it was an actual emergency, but I still got thru to the operator fairly quickly.) The boys walk by me as I'm talking on the phone and the old guy (turns out) jumps up and starts yelling at these guys, following them up the street.

He gets a little too close to them, threatening to kick them and they both rear on him and threaten to beat the ever-lovin' hell outta him so he backs off, but still follows them up the street, yelling. He sees me and yells: "Hey! Call the police, I've been assaulted!!" as they're just strolling by. They boys smirk at me and I pick up my handset and wave it at them ( I wear a headset so they couldn't tell I was actually on the phone) and then start walking faster.

I'm speaking to the operator, telling her what's going on, what I saw, etc. She's taking down the information, and is almost as outraged as I am at the mindless violence when I mention that it's a homeless guy. She cools immediately.

Basically she tells me that it's going to be awhile for the police to respond as there was something big that *just* happened downtown and all the officers were responding, as ordered. I try to explain to her that these guys are still walking up the street and could be caught fairly easily, she explains again that there are *no* officers available. But thank you for calling in.


There wasn't a whole lot I could do at that point so I drove up to where the old guy was laying and told the guy next to him (the only one awake) what the dispatcher said and that I was sorry, but I tried.

I feel bad, but honestly, I don't feel there was anything else I could do.


A little break in the cab action ...

For your entertainment and education ... heh.

Traveler IQ Challenge

Have fun!


"I didn't call no cab."

I got sent to grab a fella from about 26th-ish and Ainsworth, NE Ptld one early evening. It was still fairly nice out and there was this quite-a-bit-older black gent watering his lawn when I pulled up in front of his home.

Me: Hi there. Are you Jacob?

He: Ay-yup. He eyeballed me.

Me: OK, well then, I guess I'm here to pick you up.

He: I didn't call no cab.

Me: Ah. OK. Lemme check here a second, I might have the wrong address. I stick my head back in the car door and eyeball the computer screen quickly. I check the address on the screen and his: same. Well, it looks like this is the correct address. And you say your name is Jacob, yes?

He: Ay-yup.

Me: Weeelll, maybe someone in your house called a cab? Izzat possible?

He: Ha-yell no.

Me: Oh, I know, one second ... I read off the phone number that was given to me with the order. Is that your number?

He: Ay-yup.

Me: Well, there must be some sort of mistake then. I'm sor -

He: Dayum RIGHT you gots it wrong bitch. I didn't CALL no cab.

Me: Whoa. Sir, just because there's an error doesn't mean you need to be calling me -

He: Don't you TELL me what to do on MY proptee bitch. I TOLE you I didn't call no cab. Same thing I tole that other cab just left.

Me: Another cab was sent to this address?

He: What I said ain't it?

Me: Ah. Then someone must be playing some sort of childish game. I'm sor-

He: You say I'm playin some GAME?!!

Me: No sir. I said "someone -"

He: And by "someone" you means ME. I knows you do. I done TOLE you ... And dude turned his hose on me!!!

Me: GAH!! (That one's for you Wayne) and I ducked back into my cab quick enough to only get a little bit wet.

I was so busy laughing I could barely drive; only made it about 1/2 a block (out of hose range) before I had to pull over, get out of the car and shake myself like the dog he accused me of being.


"Hey, have a ham sandwich."

I got sent to pick up a bartender from a bar down on lower McLaughlin earlier this week, about 3:30a. She was pretty amusing in a white trash/tweaker kind of way, and not going very far so it was a quick ride. We pulled up to her apartment complex:

Me: Which entrance?

She: The 2nd one, pull up next to the mail boxes.

Me: Driving in the entrance You mean the mail boxes there where the 1/2 naked guy is standing? There was a youngish white dude standing there wearing nothing but some camo cargo pants and a baseball cap, sideways. Eating a sandwich.

She: That's my 1/2 naked guy.

Me: Ah. Well ... isn't that sweet of him to stand out here and wait for you at this time of the morning.

She: Yeah, he worries about me.

While she's paying me he opens the front door of the cab and reaches in to me.

He: Hey, have a ham sandwich. He reaches in and tries to hand me a sandwich. Nothing but ham and *dripping* with mayonnaise. I HATE mayo. Not a big fan of ham either.

Me: Oh wow, um ... thanks, but no.

He: It's really good, I just made it.

Me: Really, thanks but I just ate.

She: He isn't going to stop until you take it.

He: Really, take the sandwich. It's left over from the holidays.

Me: Um ... New Years?

He: No, Christmas. I froze it. Let me get another sandwich for you. It's here on the mailbox. He steps back from the car and walks to the mailbox.

Me: To her, quietly I HATE mayonnaise, and ham. Really, tell him it's nothing personal, but I don't want his sandwich.

She: Just as quietly I have a hard time making him stop when he gets like this. Just take it. Even if you have to throw it out when you drive off. He'll get mad if you don't take it. Then I just have to deal with him all night. She hands me another $5.

I just kinda look at her for a sec ... he walks back to the car and reaches in with the other sandwich. Even MORE mayo. Eeeeewwwwwww. (I truly have this unnatural revulsion to mayo. But that's a rant for another time.)

Me: Looking at her, she's urging me to take it All right, wow, thanks. And I take it from him.

She gets out of the cab and closes the door. I look at him and ask him to close the door so I could leave.

He: You should eat that right away. It's still partially froze and I think the mayo is right on the edge.

Me: Oh wow, um thanks. I will. I gotta get back to work now. Lots to do.

He: Take a bite, let me know how it is.

Me: Dude, look, I was just trying to be polite, but I'm not going to eat your sandwich. Your girl begged me because she said you were going to get angry if I didn't take it, but honestly, I just don't like ham and I hate mayo. Why don't you just take this thing back and we'll both go about our business. K? And here, here's the 5 bucks she gave me to take it.

He eyeballs me for a minute, then slammed my car door, grabbed her by the arm and waltzed her toward their apartment.

I drove up to their garbage and dumped the sandwich. Eesh.

TUA: By the way ... today's my birthday, I'm officially old. Gawd. <--- My not so subtle hint for ya'll to tell me HB!! ;o)


"Ah yes, there's my beautiful wife"

I picked up this somewhat affluent couple from the Ptld Golf Club t'other night - middle-aged attorneys - she was stumbling drunk, he wasn't even close to that. He poured her into my cab and got in behind me, we were off to NE Ptld, about 25 minutes, plus/minus.

We're tooling along and they aren't speaking much. He pretty much refuses to talk to me, which doesn't really phase me as he's got "that look" about him. She asks me how I'm doing and he tells her to "just be quiet" and she does, for about a minute, then she starts babbling about how drunk she is.

He: I'm hungry. Are you hungry? You didn't eat much. Of course you never do, you just drink.

She: I'm hungry for YOU baby.

He: Yes, well, I want food. How about we stop at the Whatever Bar (I didn't hear which one) and get some food? Maybe another drink?

She: I just want to go home baby.

He: Yes, well, I don't think you'll be able to cook anything decent in the state you're in so how about we stop and get something to eat? Maybe some of that Chinese that you're always sneaking when I'm not around?

She: Baby, I don't need any more to drink, I just want to fuck you! I holding that she thought she was whispering.

He: Ah yes, there's my beautiful wife. You can take the girl out of the trailer park and give her a 200K education, but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl.

She: Yeah, fuck you!

He: Yes, well, if we go to the bar then I'm telling you now, you don't get to talk. At all.

At this point the alcohol has caught up with her; her head is lolling about on the back of the seat and she's starting to breathe heavily. I've seen this look before. This isn't going to end well. We tool along for about 5 minutes in silence, when I'm guessing he was getting desperate as he started to make small talk with me.

We aren't really chatting about anything substantial (good thing too, I don't think my little cab-driver mind could have handled it) and stop at a light at the corner of MLK and Alberta, she opens the back door and leans out a bit.

Me: All rightee, I'm going to pull over now.

He: No, she's fine, just take us home instead of to the bar.

She: I ... um ... I don't ... feel ...

Me: OK, I'll pull over right up there in the parking lot. Are you going to be OK until then?

He: She is FINE. She will NOT get sick in a cab like a common drunkard. Take me home, and if she DOES, I can afford whatever fine you deem necessary for cleaning your cab.

Me: Oh no, I "deem it necessary" that I pull over and she DOESN'T get sick in my cab. I pulled over.

She thinks about it for a minute, he's just glaring at me in the rear view, not even bothering to help her get the door open or make sure she doesn't fall out of the car. I just smiled and shrugged put the car in park and told her that I was going to come around to help her out of the car. He's still glaring at me.

He: A-GAIN with the vomiting after a party. Can you iMAgine what the partners are saying about you right now? Thank GOD they can't see you now. My mother told me ...

She: All RIGHT! I'm fine. Take us home. For Crissakes you keep bringing up your mother whenever we get into an argument.

He: Well, just imagine what she's going to have to say when we get home and you're in THIS shape ... AGAIN.

She: Well, if the old BITCH didn't LIVE with us she wouldn't be talking about me behind my BACK.

He: Well, if you could work AND take care of our newborn then she wouldn't have HAD to move in with us. Look, we only have a few blocks, let's keep this from the cab driver, I'm sure she doesn't need to hear this.

Me: Or WANT to, where to?

I got them home about 2 minutes after that. Nothing more was said, there were some ugly glares going on though.


New Years 2007 Roundup

It was filled with drunks and assholes, but nothing too out of control. I survived. heh. Here's a coupla highlights:

1st run o' the night: I had to pick up a fella 'round about 5:30p and take him to the liquor store. There was a line of cars out the parking lot to get a spot that was at least 15 vehicles. I parked on the street w/my flashers - one of the conveniences of driving a cab. While I was waiting for him (about 1/2 hr) a couple of young black men (4 of them, about 18 each) walked up to my passenger side and tried to get in. (I always keep my doors locked to prevent people just hopping in, especially while I'm waiting on someone.) When they couldn't get in one of them knocked on the front window, I rolled it down:

Me: Hey fellas, wassup?

Thug: You busy?

Me: Yeah, sorry, waiting on someone.

Thug: Oh, uh ... he then turns to his friends, one of them points to my front tire. He turns back to me ... Hey. Ok. Um, your front tire is fucked up.

Me: Oh, really? It didn't feel bad when I drove over here.

Thug: Yeah, well, maybe you hit something while you were driving here.

Me: OK. I'll check it out. We sit there staring at each other for a moment.

Thug: Are you going to check it out?

Me: Yup. In a bit. Thanks.

Thug: You should get out and check it now, it's really fucked up.

Me: Ya think? Right now, huh?

Thug: Yeah.

Me: And ... what? You guys are just waiting there in case I need help? Aren't you all fine, upstanding citizens.

They just looked at me for a minute and wandered off. I got out after they left, nothing wrong with the tire. I think those little bastards meant to do me some harm.

Drunks, drunks drunks ... got calls from people I haven't heard from all year ... "Hey, remember me? I know it's been awhile but we can't get through to the cab company and we really need a ride ... " Funny how that works out every major holiday.

At midnight, straight up I had this guy in my cab, not exactly talkative.

Me: HEY! Happy New Year!!

He: I don't celebrate your new year. We have one of our own.

Me: after a moment: Yeah, but obviously I do, so be polite and tell me thank you, then wish me a happy new year.

He did. But he wasn't happy about it. Didn't tip me either. heh.

drunks drunks drunks ... a lot of bar hoppers, one bar to the next, angry people because the cab wouldn't stop for them.

drunks drunks drunks

I have to stop at 5a (have a different cab, different hours: 5p-5a) so about 4:15a I was going to give it up when I get a call from someone I hadn't heard from in about 8 mths, she used to be a regular. She is on one side of the river, just hopping across to the other but couldn't get a cab so she tried me. (We still had about 75 calls sitting on the board to be attended to) I was just down the freeway so I said yes.

I had to stop and get gas 1st (I drove that much), when I got to where she was she came out, gave me $10 and said that she had given her cab away to someone that needed to catch a ride to the 'port as he was flying off to Denver. We had a fairly entertaining chat, I haven't been to Denver since I left Boulder 16 yrs ago and came up here so I was asking all kindsa questions. We get to the 'port and he hands me a 100 for his $30 fare. I give him $60 back and am digging out the rest of the change and he tells me not to worry about it.

Me: Are you sure? I still owe you $9.

He: No, that's fine. And here, take this too. He handed me another $100 bill. Have a great new year.

Me: You too. Thanks.

So, all in all; hectic, frenzied, no damage, high lucrative. Typical New Years Eve.

I hope you all had lovely holiday celebrations, whether you were out and about or just home being safe, snug and - in some cases - newly discovered as elderly. :o)

Personal opinion (or fact if it is): is it New Year's 2007 or 2008? It starts 2007 but ends 2008. Technically my night starts 2007 and ends 2007, no matter time/day I finish. At least for tax purposes. Anyone? ... anyone? Buehler??