Random Stuff ...

I pick up a young-ish couple heading home after drinking. I picked them up at the Roxie - local greasy spoon open all night downtown. Basically the only open restaurant in downtown, or close to it. They're all decked out in their leather and whips gear. Hair is several different colors. Laughing and joking with me while reading the paper.

He: Hey driver? What do you suppose a 'hay fluffer' is? There's one for sale in the Thrifties.

Me: I'm guessin' that's the woman that has to blow the donkey for the farm porn.

They were awful quiet back there, I looked up and they're both looking at me with an almost horrified expression.

Me: Sorry. shrug

This is where my mind goes. Good thing I'm a cab driver 'cuz I don't think anyone else would have me. :o)


"Uhmmm, aren't you concerned about your husband?"

I started early today (sunday) because I ended up not working Sat night so I got sent to one of the crappier NW downtown hovels to pick up 2 people (father and daughter). I get there and they get in.

He: First, we gotta ask, do you have a problem with dogs?

Me: looking at them both for a second Do you mean 'invisible' dogs?? 'Cuz, well, they didn't have any with them. That I knew of. Ya gotta ask.

He: looking at me like I'm stupid No. I mean the real kind.

Me: 4 legs and all that? No. Not a problem. Do you have one you want to bring with us?

He: No. We need to go pick up one. Maybe 2 depending on how much we like the pups.

Me: Ah. No, no problems. But you need to grab a towel or something for them to sit on, if they're pups then I don't want them getting all twitterpated and piddlin' on the seats, ya know.

He: Sure.

He sends his daughter in to get the towels. I ask him where he's off to get the pups from.

He: Clatskanie.

Me: ... You mean hellngone past St Helens 'Clatskanie'? That one?

He: Yeah. That gonna be a problem?

Me: Uhm, you realize this is gonna be like, a hundred plus just to get you there, right?

He: Yeah, I figured as much, you want paid up front I take it huh?

Me: Well, it would be prudent on my part, dontchathink?

He: I s'pose. Here ... He hands me two 100$ bills. Will that hold you for now?

Me: Sure. Sure. You know where we're going when we get there? Our GPS doesn't go that far out.

He: No, but I got a number.

So we're off to Clatskanie. Finally make it up there and call the folks, they live on a farm out in the sticks so the lady is giving me directions as we go and I lose cell service. So does dude in back. We head back into town to get in touch with her again, she tells us her husband is on the way into town to fetch us, just wait at the store at the corner of No and Where.

So we sit there for about 15 in our obviously-from-outta-town vehicle, all the locals are pointing and staring as they drive by and a local sheriff shows up, parks across the street and just stares at us. Finally dude shows up and has us follow him. We go over the river and through the woods, and across the tracks, and thru a few fields, and down some dirt roads and finally get to their home with the sheriff following us the whole way. Interesting.

We pull in, they get out to talk to the fella, I get out to talk to the Sheriff that pulled in behind me, turns out he's looking to chat with the fella that fetched us. The fella that has a warrant out for his arrest for driving with a suspended license. So he gets arrested. While we're standing there. The lady with the dogs comes out and takes us to the puppies.

Me: Uhmmm, aren't you concerned about your husband?

She: Naw. That happens everytime he goes into town. He'll be callin' me in the morning to come and bail him out.

Me: ....

So we go look at these puppies, cute, almost full grown German Shepherds. She also has some of the most adorable little Boston Terrier puppies that aren't ready yet to be weaned and sold. And she also has about 15 kids. They're everywhere, (the kids, not the puppies) looking to be from 19 to brand new. (again, kids, not dogs) I'm doing my best not to touch anything other than the puppies ('cuz really, you just never know) and they do their business and we gather up the 2 pups and are on our way back to Ptld.

So a total of 3 hours and $280. later we're back to civilization. He gave me another 100 for the trip and then tipped me another 50. Not a bad haul.


Aaaaahhh, Brew Fest ...

When people come from all over the world to our little corner to showcase and try out all the Micro Brews to be had. And drink. And drink. Gawd Bless 'em. We started out busy and stayed that way until about 6a.

I came rolling back into town from the west side, down Burnside and get hailed by a fairly respectable looking, lone fella on the corner of 14th. He gets in and needs to be heading off down to Lk Oswego.

Me: So how's your night going?

He: S'ok. I was doing all right until about 20 minutes ago.

Me: Uh oh. That mean you're going to get sick?

He: Nah. I just haven't drank this much in awhile. he's not slurring his words or anything. I just need some air. Can I roll this window down?

Me: Certainly. Just let me know if you need me to pull over.

He: Sure. Sure. It won't come to that though.

Me: I've heard that one before. I'm telling you now, if you're gonna hurl, let me know and I'll pull over. If there isn't time, you'd better damned sure aim OUT the window.

He: Yeah. Look, I'm fine. Really. It's just been awhile. Really.

Me: Mmhm. Well, I'm warning you now, if you throw up in my car I'm going to charge you a lotta cash.

He: All right. Really. I'm just fine.

So we're toolin' along (ya'll can see where this is going, right?) with me asking him about every minute how he's doing. He still says he's fine. We're on the freeway south, down to the Curves.

He: I think you should pull over when we get around the curves here. No hurry, but just in case.

Me: All right.

I pull over into the slow lane, just get to the Terwilliger exit and blam. All over himself. Son of a bitch. I got pissed.

Me: What the FUCK? Dude ... OUT the fucking window.

I pull over on the side of the freeway, he proceeds to empty his stomach, on himself.

Me: GET OUT!! Are you deaf? Out of the fuckin' car.

He: I'm really sorry. yaaaaaaakkkk! Look, I only got it on my shirt. And he holds his shirt out from his body. Just so I wouldn't make a mess in your car.

Me: You idiot. Get out. NOW.

He finally rolls himself outta the car and throws up all down the side of the car. I get out to make sure he doesn't walk into traffic (can you imagine the paperwork on that one?) and close the back door. He finally finishes and tries to get back in the car.

Me: What are you doing? Take that shirt off.

He: No way. It'll just get worse.

Me: Nope. It couldn't get worse. Off. Now.

He: All right. But I think I should leave it on. Really.

Me: Notta chance.

So we stand on the side o' the freeway arguing semantics when he finally takes it off. I carry a gallon of water in my trunk (you just never know what you'll need it for) so I force him to stand still while I pour water down his face and hands, his shirt caught most of it. He's very upset, but resigned when I make him toss his shirt into the weeds. Fortunately, so far the only 'damage' to the cab is the outside of the car and where his hand touched the door. I threaten him with bodily harm if he even so much as looks like he's going to hurl and we get going again.

I get him down to his place in the 'burbs and he hands me his credit card. I ran it for $40 (the fare) and a $50 clean up fee. When I hand him the thing to sign he starts freaking out. After we discuss the finer points of just paying the money or going to jail he decides to pay and get out. No tip. Go figure. :o)

And hurled all over the bushes at his place too. I went and cleaned off and out the car and headed back downtown.

Picked up the next couple, mid 20's guy and girl and we have to go thru the Taco Bell drive thru.

He: Hey, your car smells good.

Me: Ya like that do ya? snicker

They're fairly drunk, I get to order for them and they're arguing about some girl he was looking at that she saw, blah blah. You know. We get their food and head up Barnes to Golf Creek. A pretty large apt. complex in the hills. They're getting fairly vocal about their argument. She's drinking some bottled water and he's mowing on his Nacho Cheese Chicken Chalupa when she decides she's gonna douse him with water. So he throws his Chalupa on her. Nacho cheese all over the inside of my car!!

Me: What the FUCK are you people doing??? They both calm down and look at me like I'm the idiot in the car. I pull over, we're at the QFC fairly close to their place. Who the hell told you it was ok to do that in a car? Are you both idiots? Jesus.

She looked down at the ground and said she was sorry. He took offense.

He: You know what? Why don't you just shut the hell up and take us home. All right. Let's go.

Me: Are you shitting me? Get out of my fuckin' car. You act like a fuckin' 2 year old and get mad at ME? Get out. Now. You can walk. It's only about 1/4 mile from here. He just stares at me for a moment? Pssht. Your dumb ass doesn't intimidate me Sparky. Get out.

He: What if I don't?

Me: Then I have to call the cops and have you arrested.

I keep looking at him, he gets pissed but gets out. The meter says $16 at this point so he digs exact fare out of his pocket, throws it on the passenger seat at starts walking and leaves her there with me. The girl is just looking at me.

Me: I can give you a ride home.

She: But he has all our money.

Me: No extra. But you gotta clean up the mess as we're going.

She: All right.

So she does, and I do. I waved at him while we drove by. With all my fingers.

I head back downtown and pick up this mid-20's couple heading to SE that are all over each other. They stop slurpin' each other every coupla seconds to whisper to each other. They finally decide to clean it up a little bit.

She: So how's your night?

Me: I could not adequately convey how much fun I'm having this night.

She: I bet. There's a lot of people downtown tonight. Your car sure smells good.

I just look her in the eye in the rearview and thank her.

He: Boy, I sure am hungry. Think we could go thru the Taco Bell drive thru on the way?

Gawd help me.

I have 2 more nights of Brew Fest to live thru.


"Where's a cop when you need one?"

If you haven't been to Ptld you don't wanna spend your first visit trying to figure out how to drive in downtown. It's mostly 1-ways with a few 2-ways thrown in to confuse the tourists. Matter o' fact, there are 2 hotel stands that some of us sit where we can count on more than one hand how many people are going to be driving the wrong way up the 1-ways in any given hour.

For the most part, I find this amusing, unless they're coming at me in my left lane and can't decipher me honking my horn and flashing my lights that they're going the wrong way. (Hint: if you're driving up a street and NONE of the signs are facing your direction, you mights wanna check your directions)

Anyway, a few months back they were repaving one of the busiest roads in dntn Ptld - Naito Pkwy - and when they were in the process of reopening it they only opened one side, two lanes, and it was only going south. Northbound had to use 2nd ave. So I'm sitting in the left lane at a light, dude in a truck sitting next to me when a fella pulls out about 4 blocks ahead of us, coming at us, the wrong way, in my lane. I start flashing my lights, dude next to me does the same. Guy keeps coming at me. Fella next to me rolls down his window so I rolled down my passenger window.

Dude: Ya think he's gonna make it all the way here before he figures it out?

Me: I just hope he actually sees me, this could get ugly. grin Where's a cop when you need one, eh?

Right then I hear a loud speaker from the cop sitting behind the guy in the truck. 8- \

Cop: Well, if one of you people would get out of the way I could DO something about that guy.

Me: Ah, oops!! Allow me!! I pulled out and around the guy in the truck and got as far from there as I could, as quickly as possible.


"Well 'Hello' Officer"

I get sent to pick up a fella in inner NE Ptld to take him to the 'port early one morning. His instructions say "be early if you can, will be ready and watching". I show up at this fairly nice house with 2.4 Mercedes in the driveway 15 minutes early, park, and wait. 20 minutes. So much for being early.

Anyway, we start heading out to 33rd to get to the 'port. We're tooling along discussing working in another country and not speaking their language and the incredible sunrise when I get a phone call from "unknown". Typical.

Me: Oops, sorry, one second to the guy in the back seat Hello??

Caller: Hello. Is this M?

Me: Yup. Can I help you?

Caller: Hello, this is Officer Soandso from Ptld Police, did you witness and young man breaking trees in the downtown area about 25 minutes ago?

Me: I did. You guys found him??!! Right on!

OS: Yes we did. You called us because you saw what exactly?

Me: While I was sitting at the light at 3rd and W Burnside he broke 1 tree in front of The Dixie on 3rd and was starting on another. I called your dispatcher and told her what was going on but when I drove around the block dude was gone. So you actually found him huh?

OS: Yes. I am calling to get your information as a witness.

Me: All rightee. I'm glad you caught the little sucker, but, um ... did he confess?

OS: Yes, actually he did. We found the closest guy that matched your description and when we asked him about it he admitted it was him.

Me: What a frickin' idiot! In more ways than one. It's a good thing he confessed 'cuz I tell ya, I couldn't've picked him outta a line up. Unless the other 5 ppl were female. Then the odds are pretty good. Am I going to have to testify? I'll make a terrible witness.

OS: No, I doubt you'll have to testify, I'm sure this one will get pled out.

Me: Cool beans. Anyway Officer, can I get your badge # and the spelling of your name and I'll go ahead and call your dispatcher and give them my information 'cuz honestly, I don't trust anyone that calls me and asks for my address. :o)

So he did, and I did. Soon as I got off the phone with the nice Officer the guy in the back had to know what that was all about. I told him and he thanked me for doing something about it.

Random, completely meaningless violence gets on my nerves.

So then we got back to the previous conversation about speaking other languages in other countries. Dude is flying off to Germany for a coupla weeks to work.

Me: So, do you actually speak German?

He: Nah. I'm another typical, ignorant American running around the world expecting everyone to cater to me.

Me: Ha! Ain't that the truth though? Sad. I tell ya what, just my personal opinion, but if I were going to another country to live and work then I would damn sure expect to know their language.

He: Well, I tell you, you're a dying breed. Not only because of that but I tell you, I travel 45 weeks out of the year, to various countries and I have never had a female cab driver. It's amazing to me how brave you are.

Me: Pssht. Thank you, but here in Ptld we have about 20 women cabbies, give or take. Portland is still a nice enough city that you can have them.

He: Yeah, maybe. But how many of them drive nights?

Me: Um, 3 that I know of. One for each of the major companies.

He: You really are brave. Don't discount that just because you drive in Ptld. It's dangerous.

Me: Aw shucks. You're gonna make me blush. :o) But thank you.



I have this adorably cute young woman that I pick up about 2X a week and take her to various bars. Her name is Denise. Adorable little thing. And funny. And she has the sexiest (and only) Bull Dog named Archie I've ever seen. :o) She called me last night a little before 10p and asked me to come get her.

Me: Hey there. How's tricks tonight?

She: My date hasn't called me yet.

Me: As in he stood you up?

She: I think so. We were supposed to meet at 9:30p, he called 1/2 hr ago and said he had to change his shirt and he'd call me when he was done.

Me: New guy? First date?

She: Yeah. I just met him.

Me: Ah. OK. Well, where ya off to now?

She: Cheerful Tortoise. It's near his place. Do you think I should call him?

Me: Oh yes, certainly. Call him. Tell him you had a better offer and he missed his chance.

She: WHAT?

Me: Are you kidding me? First date and he's already blowing you off and quite possibly lying to you?? Run far away from this guy. My gawd, you are waaaay too pretty to put up with that kind of shit. This ass should be johnny-on-the-spot ready and anxious to be with you. Call him. Matter of fact, gimme his number, I'LL call him.

Right then her phone rings, she tells him that she's in the cab and on her way to pick him up. He's walking down the street and couldn't call because he was 'lost'. We find him and he gets in the cab. They get their hello's outta the way and he starts asking questions: 'How do I look?' 'Do you like this shirt?' ' Do I smell all right?' 'Do you mind going to this club my friend and I went to earlier instead of the place you wanted to go because I really liked it and it reminded me of home?'

So we're off to East. A fairly short drive thru downtown.

She: Oh, and this is Trixie, she's my favorite cab driver.

He: Hunh. I've never understood why people have to have their own cab driver.

Me: Nice to meet you too.

I look at him in the rearview and he's rolling his eyes, but still doesn't say hello.

So we're tooling along 4th and come up on a red light. A rival cab van pulls up next to me from my side, full of screeching women, we can hear them from 1/2 a block away and I hear - VERY loudly - "YOU SUCK!!!!"

I look to the left and she's pointing at me. All in the span of a few seconds this is what happened: I turned my head to look at her; the other cab driver - who actually knows me - mouths 'I'm sorry' to me; the 2 in the back of my cab and all the girls in the back of the van get very quiet; the girl in the front of the van (that yelled at me - or more specifically at my company as she didn't know me personally) pulled her arm back in and put her hand over her mouth and says "Oh my gawd, it's a GIRL driving!"; and I say "Well, at least that means I have some sort of control over my mouth"; everyone listening started laughing; the light turned green and we took off.

We make it to the bar with a few more asinine comments from him about how he had a hard time picking the right cologne and the right shirt because it doesn't really go with his shoes, etc.

I pull up, he puts a $20 bill on the seat, asks her to get the change, jumps out of the car and is already IN the bar by the time she picks up the bill. I just look at her for a second.

Me: We can drive off right now, he probably won't even notice.

She: No. No. I'm sure it'll be just fine. He's just nervous about the first date and all.

Me: Ya think? Hunh. Well, you know my number, call me if you need me.

She: OK. Thank you!

So she calls me about 1a.

Me: Hey there, you guys ready to go already?

She: Yeah. Can you come get me?

Me: Unfortunately I'm on my way back from Estacada so I'm still about 45 mins from downtown, I can find someone for you tho, unless you guys want to grab whatever drives by?

She: No. Damn. I wish you were here.

Me: I can find you someone. Lemme call around ok? I 'll call you right back and let you know. Are you guys still at East?

She: No. I'm at Boiler Room. I think he's still at East though. I left him about 20 minutes after you dropped us off. He's SUCH an ass!!

Me: Whoa. You're going to have to tell me about this one. Lemme find you a cab first. I'll call you right back.

I call around and find another female cabbie here I know that's downtown and available and get her on the way and call back Denise. Turns out the reason why this guy was so anxious to get back to the same bar, and in such a hurry is because he met some woman earlier while there with his friend. He tells Denise that this woman is willing to have sex with him, but he wants to have a 'relationship' with Denise, and thought she would appreciate that he was being so 'respectful' by telling her up front that he wasn't expecting anything from her.

Never once in that call was there an 'I told ya so' bandied about.


"... you just go ahead and lose that attitude"

I get sent to Valley Lanes Bowling to pick up a fella from the bar. I get there and see a youngish fella lounging on the bench outside the bars front door ('lounging' = looks to be so drunk he cannot sit upright) drinking something out of a plastic cup, but right then a young lady comes walking out of the bar, sees me and gets that "Yea the cab is here!" look to her, turns around and runs back into the bar so I get my hopes up that it isn't actually the fella on the bench.

I sit for about 5 minutes and no one comes out. I park the cab, get out, toss my garbage and meander up to the door. Right about as I'm 1/2 way to the door the girl comes out again and looks to me, then gets a real disgusted look on her face and says to the guy on the bench "Dude, your cab is here. Didn't you see it?"

He: I can't pay a fuckin' cab. I ain't got no fucking money.

Me: Then why'd you call for a cab if you can't pay for one?

She: I tell you what, how about if I pay for his cab and you just go ahead and lose that attitude, all right?

Me: How about if I just call you another cab 'cuz I tell ya, I couldn't lose my attitude if I wanted to.

She: Why don't you just do that.

Me: All rightee. Have a good evening.

She: You too.

She turns around and walks back into the bar. It actually wasn't all that bad.

BUT ...

As I walk back to the cab Sparky decides he must jump in.

He: Hey.

I keep walking.

He: Hey Goddamnit, I'm talking to you.

I open the door and get in the cab, close and lock the door.

He: Hey he's at the door now I want to know what you said to her.

Me: She asked me to call you another cab.

He just kinda looked at me for a few seconds then gets a real nasty look on his face.

He: What the FUCK is your PROBLEM. BITSCHHH.

Me: I'm not going to do this with you. Have a nice evening.

He: How the FUCK am I supposed to get home. Hunh??

Me: You might have thought about that before you called me a bitch. Good night.

Little shit looked at me backing out and threw his beer on my car. Fortunately it didn't go in the window and on me.

He: What do you think of THAT. Bitschhh. HAH. As he's doing this he's pounding on his chest like an ape and throwing his hands up in the air (if anyone has seen "Dick in a box" it looked very similar to ol' JT there :o)

Me: I think you're beerless now Stud. and keep backing out.

Kid comes running at me with his fist up as if he's going to swing on me. I back out far enough -and fast enough - to make sure he can't catch me, leave and get on the radio and tell them what happened and that they still need a cab, but to send a big, strong man.

Disp: Not after what they did to you. I'll let them know when they call back.


A little break in the action ...

but I'm back. I'll be catching up in the morning when off work ... thank you!!