I got sent to the Sunset Transit Mall 'round about 3:30a last night. I get there, Dude standing there waves me down and gets in the cab.

Dude: Thanks for finally picking me up. I think.

Me: Um. Hi yourself. "You think" ?? Been waiting a while I take it?

Dude: Yeah. Only 2 and a half fucking hours. I can't believe your company is so fucking slow.

Me: Well, it IS Friday night. And the p.d. has 26 shut down in both directions because of a car fire. It wasn't exactly easy to get to you here bypassing the freeway. But here I am, so where we off to?

Dude: I still can't believe it took so fucking long. Shit.

Me: Hey, you are more than welcome to wait for the next cab to come along if you like.

Dude: ...

Me: No? OK then. Where are we off to?

So he tells me. We get started going down Barnes. He says he can give me directions to bypass the freeway. Dude starts crying.

Dude: My life is so fucking over. I might as well just kill myself now.

Me: Well, don't do it in my car. At least wait until we pull over.

Dude: without any prompting from me I got my 3rd DUI about 9 mths ago. My wife almost left me. I've been trying to stay sober. I hate my life. My wife is a nutjob bitch. My parents expect me to finish everything. At least I don't have fucking kids. I got frustrated today and went out drinking again. I fucking HATE my life. I wish someone would just kill me fucking now. I got arrested today. I got the ticket somewhere. I don't even remember what for. I can't find the ticket now. I have to call my atty and have her figure it out. I think it was some sort of probation violation. What am I going to do?

Me: Whoa.

Dude: Yeah. What do I do huh? Really. What do I do?

Me: Well, if you want my opinion, quit drinking.

Dude: Oh yeah, it's so fucking easy for you fucking people. Just "quit drinking". You think I haven't fucking tried that.

Me: Apparently you haven't tried hard enough. Find some other way to take out your 'frustrations' than drinking. If you get a probation violation, don't they just throw your ass in jail?

Dude: Oh yeah. I'm going to jail. My fucking wife is going to leave me. My fucking parents are just going to give me more dirty looks. Everyone at work is going to look at me like I'm a piece of shit. I just need to die right now. Just fucking kill me.

Me: Look. I'm not going to kill you. And if your life is so effin' miserable that you have to cry to a complete stranger about it then walk away and quitcher bitchin'.

Dude: I can't walk away. I FUCKING HATE MY FUCKING LIFE!!! Don't you get it?

Me: Dude, you're yelling. I get it. Calm down for crissakes. Or at the least, quiet down. Which way do I go from here?

Dude gives me directions for the next 4 or 5 minutes and all is ... calm.

Dude: Turn right at the next light.

Me: Right into the mall or right at the light after that.

Dude: Just do what you fucking need to all right?

Me: All right. I pull over right there. On the side of the road, nowhere near a light. I guess this is about as far as you go.

Dude: That's just fucking fine. I don't fucking care anymore. I am going to go kill myself. Right now. He gets out his money, and actually tips me.

Me: Hey, if you're going to go kill yourself, you might as well just give me the rest of your money. It's not like you're going to need it. grin

He just slammed the door in my face. Go figure.


"Oh my Gawd! I have fake nails! What am I going to do?"

First run of the night last night: I get these 3 women in The Pearl coming from their "spa day" (which, by itself is enough to make me consider not picking them up). These women are beautiful. About 30ish, all blonde, skinny, married w/kids and religious. I tried really hard to dislike them, but they were so sweet they even turned my cold, cynical heart around. (Whoda thunk?!)

I get them on their way and we're tooling along, 1 in front, 2 in back and I'm not really listening to their chatting as they aren't talking to me but my ears perk up when I hear them talking about demons. Turns out, the one in back, right thinks she's been possessed by a demon. And she's serious. Apparently she rec'd a book from a guy she knew way back in the day, a book of poetry and read it and now she thinks that she has been "taken over" by some sort of demon.

Authors note: This woman is dead-on serious.

So they have a spa day every 3 months while the hubby's watch the kids, tonight what they're doing is burning this book, with sage, to try and drive away the demon, in the fireplace of one of their homes.

Well, I just CAN'T let this one go by.

Me: Don't you have to be able to stand around the firepit, you know, surround the evil forces with good so they have no place to go but up and out?

DemonGirl: Oh yeah. I hadn't thought about that. Um, I know! Let's get use the firepit on your back porch!

Lady in Front: OK. and she's kinda looking at me like I'm a little nuts myself.

DG: Yeah. Yeah. Good idea! What else?

Me: Well, if you're the one that thinks you're being possessed I think you need to put in some clippings. You know, hair or nail clippings. That type of thing. At least that's what they used on Friends.

LinF: Oh yeah. I saw that episode.

DG: Oh My Gawd, I have fake nails! What am I going to do?? Can I use one of my tips? I can't cut my hair my husband will notice and ... oh NOOO!!

Her friends kinda calm her down and we all come to the conclusion that she needs to just pull some of her hair outta her brush and she'll be fine. The lady up front starts making jokes about heads spinning and whatnot a la The Exorcist.

Me: Oooooh yeah, make sure you have the phone number of an after hours priest handy. Ya never know when you're going to need a man of God to clear the path for you.

That one sets her off again. She doesn't know any priests on call, etc.

Gawd. This was getting fun!! ( I am SO going straight to hell!!!)

So as we get closer to her home she starts talking about getting the book and walking over to their home.

Me: Are you sure you should walk alone? We could wait for you.

LinF: She only lives 2 houses away from me.

Me: Ah. She should be safe then.

DG: CAN you wait for me? I don't think I should walk alone. You'll wait right?! Please?!

Me: Sure we can wait.

So we get to her house, she goes in the house to get the book.

Me: to LinF So, she's serious huh?

LinF: Oh yes. She's been going on about this for about 2 mths now.

Me: Let me take a stab in the dark here: She's been having 'feelings' for this old guy again, thinking about him a lot and that's why she thinks she's been possessed, right?

LinF: Nail on the head girl.

Me: Wow. Well, it's awful nice of you ladies to indulge her like this.

LinF: We're just tired of hearing about it.

The heretofore quiet lady in the back asks me for my cell phone number. They want to be able to call me again when they need a ride. Apparently I wasn't the only one (at least for this ride) that thought I was amusing.

Right then DemonGirl comes back and gets in the car. I ask her if she got her brush as well as her book. We wait again while she goes back in to get the brush. We drive the 2 house distance (granted, these are some biiiig homes) and they get out.

Me: Good luck with your exorcism. I hope I don't read about you in tomorrow's papers.

DG: Yes, thank you! Think good thoughts for me. You're a strong woman, I think if I have you on my side I can defeat any demon. Thank you!

I just drive off, shaking my head. You just never know anymore.

Not too long after this I get a group of college kids going from one side of town to the other and I was telling them about this woman. We were all laughing and having a good time. Then one of the girls piped up and said that her dad was a licensed exorcist. He'd gone to seminary school and had apparently taken the classes. They were all kinda quiet for a moment.

Me: So, did he do that because you were born?

She: Oh no. He did it long before I came along.

Me: Ah. I thought maybe he did it because you were coming along, ya know?! grin

None of them got it.

No one asked for my phone number on that ride. heh


And on a more serious note ...

I dropped off the coolest couple I've ever had in my cab at the 'port this a.m., they were on their way to Mexico for vacation (HI!!!) and I got sent to the Holiday Inn just off Airport Way. An incredibly short run, but as we all know, sometimes tips can make up for the lack of distance. But apparently, not in this case. :o( On the screen where it gives us the pertinent info it says "No tipping allowed". Kid you not. What fun is there in that for me? None. Except I'm in a pretty damned good mood due to the other couple so I just shrug and drive on. Luck of the draw in our biz.

So I get to the hotel and there's a security guard from the hotel escorting these 4 young men (they're all 18-20) to my cab. He fills out the account slip, gives me directions to the airport (as if I'm not a driving a cab :o) and tells me to make sure the fellas make it into the 'port ok.

Me: Um. So, you want lil ol' me to forcibly insure that these 4 strapping young men make it to their plane eh? What if I hurt one of 'em. they were all big boys, fyi.

He: Ummm. Well, just go straight there. K?

Me: Oh sure, it's only 5a and the strip joints don't open until 7a anyway.

He just kinda looked at me like I was an idiot and the guys in the back were snickering.

We took off. It was a really quiet ride. None of them saying much at all. I tried to start a conversation but no luck. So I just pretty much rattled off some one liners til we almost got to the 'port. It's a quick ride - 5 minutes. As we're sitting at the light at 82nd/Airport Way I just gotta say something.

Me: So... you fellas quiet 'cuz it's so early in the morning or you scared of women drivers?

They all kinda snickered but didn't say anything. We get to the port and I get out and pop the trunk for the fellas to get their stuff. As I'm walking to the trunk I try one more time.

Me: All right. You fellas are officially the quietest ride I've ever had in my car. You'd almost think you fellas were off to the war or something like that.

They just sorta smile at me. I open the trunk and look at the luggage; they're all carrying tiny little Army backpacks. I just kinda looked at 'em.

Me: Um. I guess you ARE off to war hey? I'm sorry fellas, don't mean to make fun.

They smile for me but you can tell they're not too excited, and have, I would imagine, quite a bit on their minds.

As each one grabs their packs I shake each and every one of their hands.

Me: Thank you guys. Really. For being brave enough to go and protect our country. They all shake my hand but look at me kinda funny. Trust me fellas, you aren't going to get enough people telling you thank you. No matter how many times it's said. Take care.

They just kinda shook their heads and walked off into the 'port. I sincerely hope some day they don't have occasion to remember this.


"You wanna go what direction to get there?"

This is a first for me. I'm used to mental 'infirmaties' if you will, but this one is to date the oddest I've run across.

I get sent to pick up a lady 'round about 1130p in inner NW Ptld. The terminal says "call on arrival/need to assist/vertigo/buzz room 605". OK. She's handicapped of some sort and needs assistance, call when you get there and buzz her room to get in the bldg. The "vertigo" thing ... I dunno how that applies to me, but I figure I'm somewhat safe as my car rides pretty low to the ground.

I get over there, do as told and wait for her to come down. When she does she has a cane and has tears streaming down her face. OK. Turns out we're off to the hospital just across the river, total of about 4 miles away. No biggie.

She: They told you I have vertigo right?

Me: Yup. How does that apply to this ride?

She: I can't go across any bridges.

Me: blink Ummmm There's nothing but bridges between us and the hospital. You can't GET to the hospital without hitting a bridge, somewhere.

She: I know that. sigh I don't understand why I have to go thru this every time I get a cab. I want you to go thru Lake Oswego.

Me: blink. and I turn around and look at her. You wanna go what direction to get there? You must be kidding, right?

She: No. Just get going please.

Me: still staring at her You want me to drive south to LakeO, and ... let me think here ... go all the way down to 99e, and up McLoughlin? That's like ... 45 miles total. It's only 4 miles away from here.

She: I know that. And yes, just do as I tell you. Please. Can we go? I'm in pain here.

Me: I'm sorry, I hate to not take you as quick as possible, but I want to make sure I'm not taking you WAY outta the way. You realize that after LakeO, to get to 99 you have to cross the bridge over the Willamette River, right?

She: Yes, but it's night time and I'll do what I have to to get to the emergency room.

Me: One last try here, can't you just "do what you have to" and cross the Broadway Bridge? It'll save you about $80.00.

She: I KNOW what I'm doing young lady. Just take me the way I tell you to go.

Me: Okee Dokee.

So we head down I-5. I get here there almost an hour later. She doesn't talk the entire time we're in the car except to cry. Making those noises like a baby does (and not in a cute way), sniffling and moaning the whole way. Gawd. What a long ride. We finally get to the hospital then she decides to talk.

She: I need you to go get me a wheelchair.

Me: OK.

So I do. We get to the elevator and I find out the guard is there for decoration only. He doesn't assist people in. I had to push her thru the elevator, into the e.r. An extra $5 bucks as I don't stop the meter until we get there. Jeez. I don't get it. But an even hunnerd for the ride. THAT I got. :o)


I spent most of Sun night in outer SW Ptld ...

Picking up drunks. Apparently I was the only cab on the west side. It was entertaining for the most part. I picked up at one bar 7 times. Each ride was less than $7, but each ride the person(s) in the cab were just wasted. It was pretty amusing.

In between "Monty's Tavern" hopping I ended up getting sent to this guy's home in Aloha. He was pretty happy to see me so soon after ordering a cab (w/in 10 mins) as he was off to his girlfriends house, apparently there was a dude there "... tearing up the house."

I couldn't just let that one go.

Me: So. Some ... random guy?

He: Yeah. I don't know who he is.

Me: Ummmm ... why didn't she call the cops?

He: She doesn't want to get them involved.

Me: Hunh.

He: Yeah. I need to go have a talk with him.

Me: Well, sounds to me like you need to have a talk with the gf. Who is he that he's inside her home at 2a on a Sunday tearing it up and won't call the cops?

He: I don't know. But I plan on finding out. After I get him out of her place.

Me: Hunh. Make sure you don't end up getting arrested. Could get ugly.

He: Nah. I'm too old for that kinda shit now.

I figured my curiosity about his personal life was pretty well covered. As long as I get the questions I ask answered and kinda get the point across (to my satisfaction) that they're missing the finer points of the situation then I can ride along and listen to whatever else it is they have to say.

This guy -turns out- has been working with meth addicts for the better part of 10 years. Just got out of the biz recently and - according to him - can now talk about them all because he no longer has a confidentiality agreement. I imagine he has some stories to tell. We didn't have much chance to chat about it longer 'cuz as we pulled up to gf's place there were 4 cop cars there with lights blazing and gf standing in the street. He pulls money out of his pocket to pay me.

Me: Well, at least you don't have to worry about getting arrested now.

He: Ha. Funny.


St Patty's Day 02

I picked up these fairly young, incredibly loud group (2 boys, 1 girl) from just off downtown and was taking them to Club Exotica, a strip joint in the upper N of Ptld.

One of the young fellers in the back was cute and really quite funny popping off jokes about lots of everything that we were all laughing to. He came to the point where they were going to the strip joint to join some friends that were trying to get horny, then were gonna go back downtown and try and pick up some young drunk girls to get laid.

He: Not that my friend or I here need to worry about that. We're so damned charming anyway. But tonight I think we're just gonna hafta 'kick it up a notch'. Whatcha think driver.

Me: I think quoting Emeril is only gonna get ya laid by the over 50 crowd. Ya might wanna rethink your approach there hotshot.

After we got to Exotica only fun boy was left in the car as he was paying w/a credit card. While I was running it an older, incredibly angry black man pulled open the back door and got in.

He: Just take me home, bitch.

Me: Are you talking to me?

He: Yes. Just get me the fuck outta here. I got 3 thousand dollars cash on me. I just got kicked outta this motherfucker for 'being drunk' and I just wanna get the FUCK home. Now take my ass home, bitch.

Me: Nope. Sorry. I am on my way to pick up someone. I can't give you a ride. no WAY I was riding with this angry sumbitch in my car.

Fortunately he got out with out too much of a hassle. I handed fun boy his card and asked him to sign the slip when a woman opened the back door of the cab and started to sit down. She was pretty messed up. As in she probably just got beaten up. Her face had blood on it, her nose was swollen and lips were bleeding and swelling as well.

Fun boy asked her if she was all right. She wouldn't even make eye contact, just tried to get in the cab. Right then the angry black man came up and grabbed her by her hair and shook her.

He: I TOLD you bitch, you aren't going ANYwhere without me.

And he drug her outta the car by her hair. Right then one of the bouncers came up and asked me if I could give her a ride home.

Me: I'll give her a ride, but there's no way I'm letting that guy into my cab.

Bouncer: She really needs to get home.

Me: I understand that, and I don't have a problem with it, but there's no way I'm letting that bastard into my cab. At all.

The bouncer asked her if she wanted to go home with me. After some argument from the guy about how she wouldn't be going anywhere without him the bouncer tried to guilt me into giving them both a ride because "... I just wanna get him away from my club. He's making us look bad."

Me: And you don't care if you put this woman beating bastard into cab with his beaten woman and a female cab driver huh?

He: You deal with his type all the time. I'm sure you can handle yourself. I just want him outta here.

Me: Wow. Aren't you a compassionate fuck? Call the cops you want him outta here so bad. I'm not taking his ass anywhere.

And I didn't.

St Patty's 2007 01

While nothing too incredibly astounding stuck out, not in a "holy effin' kee-riste that's funny" there were some amusing shorts to pass along.

I get sent to a bar called Hobo's to pick up this lady named Rebecca. It's in a popular area where there are several bars so I didn't expect her to be there when I got there. (Our 'puter system in the cabs are set up that if we accept a 'job' we have to actually go there and make an effort as they monitor us by gps as to whether we went exactly to the address and how long we stayed at that site) So I pull up and there's a lady standing there flagging the next available cab and I figured she's standing in front of the place where I am to be and it'll look like I picked up the correct person on the terminal.

She and her male companion get in the cab and we take off for a fairly short run across the river. We get to chatting and turns out she is actually Rebecca but had given up on a cab coming to get her as several of our company passed her so she was just trying to get the next available cab. So I had to give her a ration of grief about leaving me hanging while I'm just out there passing up thousands of possible fares just to get her. We laugh and I ask about why they were leaving the St Patty's festivities so early.

She: It's amateur night out here. Too many frat boys trying to pick me up.

Me: I understand what you mean. I've had my fair share of offers to "get a little irish in me" myself tonight.

She: What do you say to them when they say that?

Me: Usually "sorry darlin', a 'little' irish isn't what I'm looking for.

Snorts were shared all around.

Me: I tell ya what though, there are a few of these frat boys I wouldn't mind getting 'hold of myself.

She: Yeah. There are some cute one's out there.

He: Oh my gawd, you girls are terrible. he says with a smile

Me: You didn't know this is how we girls talk about you fellas when you aren't around?

He: No. What else do you talk about?

Me: Well, I dunno about you Rebecca but I like to get 'em while they're still young and *ahem* firm and train as to what women reeeeally like then send 'em back out into the world to use their skillz wisely. making shoo-ing gestures with my hands ... here you go honey. Go make many women happy. :o)

He: Wow. I tell you what, that is exactly what those young frat boys want too.

We all laughed for a ways on that one.

Hey fellas ... a little advice:

If you have always had a burning desire to put on some silky feminine undergarments, wig, high heels and make up (and let's face it, Ptld is the perfect city to do this in) and go out in public do NOT let your supportive, female best friend dress and do your make up.

It doesn't matter how cute you are, how well you walk in those heels or how hot you could be as a woman, she will not let you look better than her.


Couldn't resist.

Your Leprechaun Name Is:
Sniffles Cloverhopper

Have a safe and happy holiday all!


I get sent out to Duke's - a cowboy bar in outer SE Ptld. There was a benefit concert with Gretchen Wilson just getting out. I pull up and hear this incredibly loud screech from this woman at the front door screaming about their cab being here. She comes running over to me, screaming the whole way "don't leeeeeeeave meeeeeeeeee" Arrrgh. Hopefully this will be a short one.

She runs around and gets in the front seat. Starts to tell me where they're off to then yells through my window at someone to hurry their ass up. We're about 50 feet from the front door. They probably heard her in Singapore. Everyone in the parking lot did because they all started yelling for Larry to hurry his ass up as well.

They all finally get in the cab and we're off to West Linn. Pssht. At least 20 minutes. Turns out the guys are drunker than the girl is and they all have to talk louder then the others to get their point across. The husband of the woman decided he's going to start drunk dialing. Gets some dude on the phone and starts talking about how he wanted to do ugly things to dude's wife and this guy would just let him because the guy in the cab was his boss. Stupid shit. Wife is just laughing at him.

The other guy grabbed the phone from the first and called up Christine to tell her how he didn't want to sleep alone tonight, etc. Christine starts shrieking at him on the phone and tells him to hand the phone to the loud girl in the front. Turns out Christine is the couple's daughter. Just turned 18. They all had a good laugh about that one.

The husband leans up in the seat and tells me that he likes his women plump. Just like me. Just like his wife. Look ... and proceeds to grab her boob. I just look at him and tell him to sit his ass back and strap in or I'd make them walk the rest of the way. She starts shrieking at him about how she didn't want to walk and he'd better just sit down and shut up. Etc.

Damned long 20 minutes. At least they tipped well.

Another illusion shot to hell ...

I've always been under the illusion that when that white light atop my cab is a cloaking device. People usually get outta my way when I'm coming up on 'em from behind and cops usually leave us alone. Usually.

I pull up to pick up someone in a nastee area. Just ... bad. I hit the callout button and wait for someone to show up 'cuz ain't no way I'm getting out in this area. I get the "callout succeeded" on my screen when these two youngish black fellas walk up to me and ask if I wanna "buy some smoke". I just ignore them. Not getting the hint they start knocking on my window and ask louder if I wanna buy. I look at 'em and shake my head and go back to what I was doing (ignoring them) before they walked up.

Outta the blue, at that exact moment a cop comes cruising up and hits his spot light. Aims it at me. The guys go walking off, the cop doesn't drive off so I get outta my car, so does he.

Me: Hi. Boy am I glad to see you! I was trying to ig...

He: interrupting me What are you doing here?

Me: Picking someone up.

He: Huh. In this neighborhood.

Me: Yup. In this neighborhood.

He: Funny. I just got a phone call from someone that said you were trying to buy smoke from these two jokers here.

Me: Nah. I just got here. Just waiting on ...

He: Well interrupting, again seems to me you were talking to those guys.

Me: I was trying not to but they started knocking on my window. I told them I didn't want anything.

He just stares at me for about 30 seconds.

Me: Hey man, I'm just working here.

He: I find it hard to believe that you're picking up anyone in this neighborhood.

Me: You think dope dealers can't afford cabs? I thought I was being funny. He, apparently, did not.

He: This is not. a. joke.

Me: Sorry, I can't help myself. You can look at my screen, it shows the name and address of whomever it is I'm picking up.

He: Let me see your i.d.

So at this point I'm getting that he seriously thinks I'm trying to buy from these guys. I get a bit pissed off. The only that makes as angry as being thought of as stupid because I'm a cabbie is when someone accuses me of doing something I didn't do. (Thanks for THAT mom) But most especially when it's something illegal. So I hand over my license. He keeps looking at it and then shining the light in my eyes. Back and forth. Back and forth.

Me: I. told. you. I am working. Why do you not believe me?

He: Oh, don't worry. I believe that. Just like I believe you're here buying smoke from those guys.

Me: What the FUCK is your problem? Do I not LOOK like a cab driver? I have the fucking car. Do I LOOK like I do drugs? If I did I'd be hella skinnier.

He: There's no reason to get angry, here.

Me: OH. You don't think so? You're accusing me of doing something illegal. I told you those guys were trying to sell me 'smoke' buy you sure as shit aren't going after them. What's up with that?

He: Don't make me arrest you.

Me: Fine. Arrest me. Take me the FUCK downtown. UA me and blood test me. THEN we'll talk about what exactly you're doing harassing me instead of even thinking about going after those guys. Matter o' fact, you have my license, look me up in your little computer there and see if I've EVER gotten in trouble. That would be a 'no'. What's really going on here?

He just keeps eyeballin' me with his flashlight. I eyeball him back. Right then a dude comes outta his apt with his son (about 14yrs old). He asks if there's a problem. It's a school night and his son needs to get back to his momma. The cop hands me my i.d. and just gets in his car and leaves. I had a few minutes to chat w/the kid. Turns out they had raided those apts earlier today and arrested a few folks for dealing. I get the kid home about 15 mins later.

I catch an 'agency' call to go pick up someone just S of Foster at 72nd to take to ADV ER. Right as I'm pulling up to their place I get a msg on my screen telling me to call dispatch on the radio. I get them and guess who just got pulled for a 'random' UA. Yup. Me.



some Do's and Don'ts to Cab Riding

Since I'm feeling somewhat verbose today ...

DO: Talk to your cab driver. You might enjoy it.

DO: Turn on your damned porch light!! If you expect to get to the airport at some un-godly hour and I have to get out and walk up to every single house to see a damned address because the entire street has their lights off then damn it, I'm going to be late.

DO: Call back and cancel your call if your idiot friend comes back and you decided to ride w/their drunken ass back to where ever.

DO: Let me know if you aren't feeling well. Don't make me find out the hard way. It makes for an unhappy cabbie.

DO: Actually have the means to pay the fare before you get in the cab.

DON'T: Sit in the front seat if you're the only person in the cab other than me. I load up the front seat w/crap for this very reason. And don't insist on it even after I ask you to sit in back. It's a comfort issue. Mine. Not yours.

DON'T: Let the first words out of your mouth something along the lines of a) 'have you ever been robbed?' b) 'do you ever feel scared?' c) 'ever get somewhere and have someone run without paying?' Any combination of these will likely get you on the side of the road waiting for another cab.

DON'T: Complain to me that every single cab driver you've ever gotten doesn't speak english. Not my fault. When the powers that (shouldn't) be decide to make it illegal to work in this country if English isn't your first language THEN you can complain. To them. Not me.

DON'T: Call the 3 major cab companies in Ptld because you're in a hurry and take whichever shows first w/out calling the others and cancelling. Not cool.

DON'T: Touch the driver! Just ... don't.

DON'T: Flash the camera. Seriously. I don't want to see your boobs. I have my own and odds are fairly decent they're better than yours.

DON'T: Get jealous when your bf is giving me directions. I am no one's competition. If he's willing to go out w/your drunk ass then I probably don't want him anyway.

And a BIG DON'T: Don't look down on me because I'm a cab driver. I'm not living on the street. Or popping out kids to live off welfare. Or trying to cheat the system. I HAVE a job. It may not be glamorous, or something you would do. But give me the smallest modicum of respect for having a job and being able to use that word in proper context.

Happy Cabbing All!


Oh my gawd what fun this was!! It was great to get to meet the people behind the blogs and watch their minds work. Even the drunken one's. :o)

Everyone meshed and just had a great time. No one made a comPLETE ass of themselves. There are photos running around the Blogosphere of the debauchery.

Jenny did an incredible job putting all this together for us. I didn't get to say goodbye to you Jen, but Thank You.

I got to meet one of my heroes ... Dave! I love his blog, and now I love him too! He is just like his blog makes him out to be: down to earth, easy to talk to and funny as hell. And to be loved more than Cinnamon Crest (which I'm hoping is only one step lower than chocolate pudding) makes my tummy all tingly. Write your book Dave.

Hilly: I SO wished we lived closer together. You are someone I would totally drive into hell in my cab to pull you outta. (after rockin' ole Lucifer down a bit first!)

I spoke with The Chad for a bit - he's not near as angry in person. He's fun in a quiet, devious sorta way.

I wish I coulda spent more time talkin' with Karl. But between getting locked outta his room in his boxers and then giving them to the screaming hoardes of drunken bachelorettes there just wasn't enough time.

All in all, an incredible experience. Rumor has it the next one is Toronto. I'm there.

I just have one more thing to say to everyone that talked to me about my stories: Thank You! I'm humbled to know that you actually like these meanderings of mine. I don't write them to be funny, just as it actually happens. I am so glad I got to meet you ALL!!


Stupid Girl

I picked up this good lookin' wench and these 3 fellas. She got back middle. As we're driving along she's spouting out orders to her puppies ... 'and when we get to my place I want one of you to take out the garbage' ' I need someone to give me some money to pay my house payment too. You can work that out between you boys.' That kinda shit.

I'm just driving along laughing with my inside voice and thinking very hard about how happy it would make me to smack this smug bitch. Apparently she saw me smirking in the mirror.

She: Is that your real hair?

Me: Are you talking to me?

She: Of course I am. You heard me didn't you?

Me: I also heard you giving orders to the fellas and I KNEW you weren't talking to me. And yes, it is.

She: I don't believe you. If you take that hat off the hair comes out with it. Right?

I just ignored that dumb ass comment. Not good enough for her.

She: Well I can just take this ... and as she's saying this she's reaching up to grab my hat and/or hair.

Me: Just to let you know, if you're going to pull on my hair, there had better be a happy ending in it.

She just looked at me dumbly.

Me: And I mean for ME. Not you.

Still got that drunk, blank, I'm-trying-to-process-what-you-just-said look.

Me: Still wanna touch it?

All three of the guys raised their hands and said "I do". She woke outta her stupor and started yelling at them. Didn't say anything to me the rest of the ride. Go figure.

Stupid Boy

I picked up these 3 young-ish fellas, cute one in the front, other two in the back. They were chatting about girls and whatnot and I found something they said somewhat amusing so I was smiling to myself while they were bragging.

Cute Boy: You thought that was funny?

Me: Yup. And I smiled at him again.

CB: Wow. You got a beautiful smile.

Me: smiling at him

CB: You're kinda hot ... for a fat chick.

Me: I get that a lot. It's the smile.

CB: I can see that. Ya know, I might even make an exception for you.

Me: No kiddin'? Wow. You'd do that for me huh?

CB: Sure. Why not?

By this time his friends are snickering in the back. We get stopped at the next light and I kinda turn towards him and give him that look. You know which one I mean. The one that fat chicks all over the world get when a cute fella is willing to make an exception just for them ... the oh my gawd he's so cute!! I'd be happy if he'd just let me suck his dick 'cuz ... well, I'm fat and desperate and please GAWD just let him make an exception ... this ... one ... time ... and leaned towards him while looking him up and down, licking my lips.

Me: C'mere big boy. I say in my sexiest - I'm-a-fat-chick-come-fuck-me voice.

He leans in closer, we get about 6 inches apart ... I reach up with my left hand as if to stroke his face and BAM! Right upside the head.

Me: What the fuck is wrong with you?!! Your momma teach you to treat girls that way?

He pulls back so hard he hit his head on the window and me and his friends start laughing so hard he can't help but to laugh too. We ended on a good note, and he tipped me well for being such a sport.


Don't ...

... try and guilt me into giving you a free ride. I give charity rides all the time. I have drivers that call me and tell me where some girl got left by her man with no money or ride home, or just someone down on their luck and needing a ride. I don't have a problem with this, as long as you seem somewhat contrite.

But if you're a young, healthy man that got his car towed because he couldn't read the signs that say "don't park here 11p-5a fri and sat" and pull me over, knowing you don't have any money, then try and guilt me into giving you a free ride because your feet are sore from your 3 mile trek and then say "I would give you what money I have but since it's so little it's not even worth offering. I just want a ride." Don't be angry at me if I don't roll over and give you what you want. The obvious course of action here would be to offer what little you DO have and beg and plead for some help.

And esPECially don't get mad and call me a bitch if you then say "Well, actually I do have the money, but I need it to get my car out of impound tomorrow. It's only another couple of miles, c'mon. Give me a ride. Doesn't your company have something for people that are in trouble? Can't you help a fella out?" and I still choose not to give you a ride.

"I don't know my address."

There comes a point in some people's lives where they just shouldn't be allowed out in public, for their own safety. And possibly my sanity.

I get sent to Arby's 'round about 82nd and King Rd. to pick up an older lady w/a walker. I get there and get her in the car.

Me: So where we off to tonight?

She: My house.

Me: Um. OK. What's the address?

She: I don't know honey. I just moved there.

Me: Ah. OK. Is the address on your i.d.?

She: No. Not yet.

Me: Uhmmmm. Do you have it written down anywhere?

She: No honey, I don't.

Me: Well can you tell me which direction to go to get you home?

She: Yes. Go down 82nd.

Me: Okee dokee. Now we're in business. Where am I going to turn? Will you recognize it when we get there?

She: I don't think so. I'm so confused. I don't remember where I live. What am I going to do?

At this point she's getting a bit panicky. I'm trying to keep her (and myself) calm but I'm getting a bit frustrated. I put the car back into park there at the Arby's and we calmly work out that she's just moved into a new foster home, run by people that barely speak english (russian of some sort) and she doesn't remember where it is. We're sitting here for about 10 minutes trying to get this info while she's digging thru her purse trying to find something when she finds one of those "If you find this person call this number" type of cards.

I call the number and they don't speak any english. Damn it. I call another cab driver that speaks about 7 different languages and explain the situation and he calls the foster care folks - for a tidy little $10 fee. :o( So I finally get her address figured out and get her to the foster care. She hands me her credit card. Denied. She wants to write me a check. We don't accept checks.

She starts freaking out again. She has no cash. I go knock on the door and this older russian gent comes out to help her outta the cab and into the house. I try speaking to him, he doesn't speak english. I still haven't gotten paid yet. 'Round about then a lady comes driving up. Barely speaks english and starts asking all kinds of questions that I don't have answers for. Turns out this lady left the house about 7a yesterday. Just walked away. The police found her about noon and took her to the e.r. and dropped her off. The foster folks didn't go get her then for whatever reason and so she wandered out of the e.r. and had been m.i.a. since then.

I tried to explain to the lady about not getting paid. She wanders into the house. About the time I decide to write it off she comes back out and hands me a check for $10. Instead of arguing about the time spent and whatnot I just smile at her, thank her and drive off. I run into the other driver and give him the $10 I owed him - in cash - he doesn't take checks. :o)

This morning I stopped by their bank, check is no good. SO. For my almost hours worth of time I ended up -$10.