"My momma always tole me white bitches was crazy."

Had to go pick up the current ex bf (cab driver as well) from work and we were heading home about 5a (I own my car so I take it home, he doesn't) when I get a phone call from dispatch asking, pleading, begging even for me to run out towards Gresham to get this older lady that had taken a cab earlier but the other driver was no longer working for that evening. We had no other cabs on that side o' town and she was going quite a ways so I said yes.

I get to where she is and ask dispatch to call her as it's still dark out and no lights were on in the house. A light popped on and a young lady stepped onto the porch to give me the ol' "one finger" that she was on her way out. J and I chat for a bit and finally this little ol' black lady shuffles down the steps and walks towards the car leaning on the young lady. They make it right about to the front of the car, in the headlights and the older lady stops and just stares at me. Says something to her companion, and shakes her head. She turns and tries to start back into the house and her friend says something to her, she shakes her head, but turns around and walks back to the car. J gets out and opens the back door for her, she gets in and buckles up. Her friend goes back into the house.

Me: Good morning.

She: ...

Me: OK. Where we off to this morning?

She: I gave the address to the nice young lady on the phone. I don't know why she sent YOU to get me though. I told her not to send no women.

Me: Huh. Well, I'm the only cab this side of town. Where can I take you?

She: What's a woman doing driving a cab anyway? Ain'tchew got no man?

Me: This is my man here. And I drive a cab. So where can I take you?

She: That last cab driver didn't get no money from me so I tole him I'd give it to him when he came back. Where is he?

Me: He is done driving for the night, but if you like I can give it to him.

She: No. No. No. I don't give my hard earned money to no woman. Huh uh. Not me. I'm not stupid ya know.

Me: Well ... how about ...

She: But I'll give it to the young man sitting next to you. I trust him.

Me: Well then, lucky for the other driver. Now, can I take you somewhere?

She: Now don't you be rude to me missy. I don't need no shit from no white woman. My momma tole me not to take any shit from no white woman. You're nuts. Alla ya. Crazy bitches.

Me: Excuse me, did you just call me a 'crazy bitch' ? You don't even know me. I might be a nice person.

She: Oh no you ain't. I knows you ain't. My momma always said white bitches was crazy. And I always did what my momma said.

I was just in shock. Sitting there staring at her, then I look up at J and he's laughing.

She: to J Now Sweetie, you going to take this check from me to give to that other nice young man that brought me out here? then to me But not YOU. You a crazy bitch.

Me: Still in shock was I. I'm sorry, but we don't take checks. Do you have any other form of payment to pay me for the ride we haven't gone on yet?

She: Hell no. I'm done talking to you. I'll talk to the sweet man in the seat in front of me. How you dooon baby?

Me: Excuse me, but you HAVE to talk to me. Just the way it is. Do you, or do you NOT have some other form of payment?

She: to J You want to tell that white bitch to shut the hell up so we can talk? by the by, J is white as well.

Me: No. He isn't going to say anything to someone as mean as you are. If you don't have any other form of payment I'm afraid I can't give you a ride anywhere.

She: to J again You better tell this bitch to take me where I wanna go and do it NOW. I don't have to put up with no shit from some snotty white bitch. to me YOU DON'T OWN ME BITCH!!

Me: I think I'm going to go get that young lady that helped you out here. I'll be back in a moment.

She: Damn right you bitch. Tell ME what to do. Think I'm going to go NOwhere with any woman driver. I tole that nice lady at your office ...

I got out at this point. Whew. Turned out to be her granddaughter. She came back out and got her back in the house. J and I went home.


"Well, would you be willing to testify?"

I had just finished dropping off a couple at about 35th se Gladstone, drove down to 26th to get to Powell to get to the closest bridge into town. It's about 2a. I hit the light at 26th/Powell and sit there contemplating ... hermaphrodites and I catch a movement out the corner of my right eye. I look over, there is a guy standing on the sidewalk, about 15 ft. in from Powell on the sidewalk. Dude has a black hoodie, scruffy blondish/brown goatee, dark jeans and his dick in his right hand. I just look for a second, looked to the light, it had changed so I look back quickly as I start to drive thru the light to make SURE I saw what I thought I saw. Not only did I see an ugly man w/his dick in his hand, but he smiled and stuck his tongue out at me. I just shook my head and drove off.

After going about 100 yards I decided to call the Non ER # for Multnomah County and let them know about my flasher. sidenote: when I got to this part of the story with my current ex-man he was quite upset that I reported the waggler. Thought I should have let him waggle when and where ever he wanted.

Disp: Non emergency.

Me: Hiya. My name is **, I drive for ** Cab and I just had a dude flash me while sitting at the corner of 26th se Powell.

Disp: All right. What was he wearing?

Told her.

Disp: thank you. Have a phone # where you can be reached?

Told her cell ph #.

Disp: Thank you. And can you describe to me ...

Me: ... His penis? He was BLESSED! And no mean feat since it's only about 28 degrees out here.

Disp: giggling No. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. Where exactly was he when the alleged flashing took place?

Me: Ah. Sorry. Couldn't help it. I'd be bragging I had that baby myself. Anyway ... etc.

Disp: Thank you. I'll let an officer know what you've said. Good night.

She hung up. Right about then I get a call from a regular that is downtown and needs a ride to St. John's. (About $25 +/-) I head out to go get him. As we're driving up I-5 Nbound I get another phone call.

Me: This is M.

He: Hello. Is this the cab driver?

Me: Yup. How can I help you?

He: This is Officer Barr of the Ptld Police Dept. I'm standing at the corner of 26th and Powell with a gentleman that you called about.

Me: Bullshit!!

Ofcr: No. I am serious. Now you said this gentleman ... ?

Me: He flashed me. And he's NO gentleman. Trust me.

Ofcr: He says that he was urinating. Is that possible.

Me: Weeeeelll. I suppose anything is possible. But he was facing the street. At least 3 ft away from the closest bush to him. Had his dick IN his hand. A smile ON his face. And I saw NO urine.

Ofcr: I see. Well ...

Me: So dude is still there?

Ofcr: Yes. I'm talking to him.

Me: Is he still urinating? Or just hangin' out at his favorite bush to pee whenever he gets the urge? It has been about 25 minutes, ya know.

Ofcr: Ok. Thank you for your information. Someone will be calling you.


So I had to tell the fella in the car what was going on. He was laughing along with me at the stupid things people do under the influence when the Ofcr called me back!

Me: This is M.

Ofcr: Miss B, this is Ofcr Barr again. I need to ask you another question.

Me: Shoot.

Ofcr: Did the man in question have ...

Me: I'm sorry Ofcr, I lost you. What was that?

Ofcr: Did the man in question have an ... erection? he said the last word very quietly.

Me: Did he have an ERECTION? not near as quietly Is that what you asked me?

Ofcr: Yes. That is what I asked. I swear I could hear this man trying not to laugh.

Me: Well. No. I didn't actually SEE an erection. But I could describe it to you. The good lord blessed this man, lemme tell ya.

Ofcr: more subdued snorting ... I SWEAR OK. Well ... um ...

Me: Are you going to do a lineup?

Ofcr: not so subdued snorting now Um ...

Me: I tell you I am SO channeling Porky's right now! I have ALways wanted to do a penis lineup.
Please, please PLEASE tell me you are going to do a PENIS LINEUP!!!!!!!

Ofcr: ...

Me: I'm sorry Ofcr. I just think this is hilarious. I can't help it. I'm a cab driver, I have a filthy mind. So ... now what?

Ofcr: Well, would you be willing to testify?

Me: Oh HELL yeah! I WANT to see this one go to court. Gawd help me.

Ofcr: OK. Let me get your dob, address and other information and I will have someone call you on monday.

Me: I tell ya what ... since I don't actually know for a FACT that you are who you say you are, how about I call the PD and ask if you are, in fact, a police officer and then call you back?

Ofcr: You can actually call them and give them your information, if you'd feel safer that way.

Me: Certainly. I don't know that you aren't writing down my info where this perv can see it anyway. Can I have your badge number?

He gives it and I call the dispatcher. The whole time this call has been going on the guy in the back seat has been rolling ever since I said the word "erection".

Me: Hello. My name is M. I drive for * Cab, I just called about 40 mins ago to report a man flashing folk at the corner of 26th se powell.

Disp: I'm sorry, our computer systems just flashed with the storms and all. Give me a minute to pull up the info.

Me: Certainly. I'm actually just calling to find out whether or not this guy that called me was actually an officer of yours as I didn't want to give him my info over the phone without knowing who he was.

Disp: A legitimate request. Let me ... yes. Here we are. I found it. The Officers name was Barr and did you get his badge #?

Me: rattled it off.

Disp: Yup. That's our officer. And it looks like they actually got the guy! He's on his way in to the justice center now.

Me: Nuh uh!!! Really?

Disp: Oh yes. We take that stuff seriously.

Me: If you'd known the type of problems I have where the officers DON'T take me seriously you would begin to wonder. I just called 'cuz I thought ya'll might wanna keep him away from the children. But good to know that ya'll actually arrested him. Thank you for your help.

Disp: You're welcome. Have a good evening.

Me: You as well. Good bye.

Me and the fella in the back laughed about this all the way to his place.

It's now Tues, I got no call yesterday. *grin*


Just an FYI

I have re-enabled my comments. Just 'cuz.

"I really would like to see you sometime, away from this ride."

I get flagged by the local pimp that hangs out on the curb in front of Mary's club (I've had this man in my car, taking his "girl" to a "customer") as I turn the corner on Broadway. He points at a lady just walking out of the bar and she has a very drunk male friend that is staggering all over. The pimp helps her get the guy into the car.

Me: Hi there. We doing all right here?

She: Yup. I'm fine. He's a little drunk. I'm taking him home and then I would like you to bring me back here. That all right?

Me: Sure. Not a problem. Where we off to?

She: Ummmmm ...

He: *** ne 33rd.

Me: Uhm ... 33rd and ... Sacramento?

He: Yeah.

Me: Okee dokee. You all right man? I ask as he lays across the back seat and starts gagging.

She: He's fine. Aren't you Joe? I don't remember dude's name. I'll just call him Joe.

He: Um. I think so. And he starts fiddling w/the window controls, which I have locked. Gotta love those old cop cars.

Me: Joe? You all right? Need me to open the window for you?

He: Yesssh. Pleash.

I do. We make it about 1 block and dude starts gagging again.

Me: Joe, you need me to pull over so you can yak?

He: No. Just keep going. gagging more

Me: Not a chance. I'll just pull over here. If you yak in my cab I'm gonna charge you a lot of money.

So I pull over and he hangs his head out the window. Throws up down the side of the cab. Bastard. There's a guy walking in front of the cab at the corner (about 25 ft away), he's looking at the cab trying to figure out why I have my blinkers on. When he figured it out he started laughing. I flashed him a "peace" sign, he flashed me a thumbs up and kept walking. And laughing.

While this is going on the woman in the back starts talking to me.

She: So you like this job?

Me: I find it to be the most amusing thing I've ever done.

She: Really? I bet.

Me: Oh yeah. I'ts a roller coaster of fun. You really can't beat driving a cab on a weekend night in Portland. It's hilarious.

She: I can see that. I've thought about doing this. I bet it's a lot of fun.

Me: You really have no idea. I just can't describe it. I could tell you a few stories tho. grin

Hack, gag, spit from Joe.

She: Oh yeah. I bet you get a lot of shit, huh?

Me: In every form.

She: Ever get hit on?

Me: Every night. And usually by folks that wouldn't hit on me if they were sober.

She: Oh come on now, you're beautiful.

Me: Oh gawd. You're gonna hit on me now, aren't you?

She: WeeeEEElllll, I was thinking about it. But really, you're gorgeous. I mean that.

Me: Oh pshaw.

Hack. spit. gaaaaaAAAAAAaaaag.

She: Not working huh?

Me: No. Sorry.

She: I really would like to see you sometime. Away from this cab ride.

Me: And away from the yakker in the back seat with you. grin Really. Thanks but no thanks. Don't let the ball cap fool ya.

She: It looks good on you. By the way, I'm a hermaphrodite.

Me: blink

He/She: How do you feel about that?

Me: Um. blink I can't decide whether to feel flattered or offended. blink (Best I could come up with on such short notice, what can I say?)

He/She: Well, are you going to decide before we finish this ride?

Me: Oh gawd no. I'm having a hard time thinking at all at this moment. Sorry. First time I've heard that one.

He/She: I understand. It throws off a lot of people.

Me: Is he better? I haven't heard any hacking for a little while. I really gotta get going.

I think at this point I was getting a little panicky. Maybe even a bit scared. I mean ... damn. Threw me off. :o) We drove off.

Me: after I got over my vapor lock - So, you must've said that one purpose. What were you hoping for?

He/She: Well. Sometimes people are curious. You know.

Me: Ah. Well, I don't "KNOW" per se, but I understand the concept of curiosity about the subject.

I got him home, and her back to the bar. Uneventfully. Thankfully.


"You fucking lying fucking whore!"

I picked up 2 fellas late one night, heading home from the bar. One was fairly calm but slightly intoxicated, the other quite drunk and barely speaking, just leaning against the door.

The nicer of the 2 (Mike) and I chatted while I took him home first. A quick 5 minute ride from where we were.

Mike: as he is getting out Hey Steve, you going to be all right with this lady taking you home?

Steve: Hm? yeah. Sshure.

Me: Hey Steve, what's your address? he just looks at me Do you have any I.D. or something with your address on it so I know where to take you?

Steve: looks at Mike Shhhe's fucking with me huh?

Mike: Nah. She just needs to know your address to get you home. Can you help her out?

Steve: ummmm ok. As long as ssshe doeshn't fuck with me nnnoOOO MORE. I'll ssshhow her.

Mike: looking at me Are you all right with this? He doesn't live too far away, close in, Sellwood.

Me: Well, it isn't too far, we should be all right. Right Steve?

Steve: Whatever.

Mike: Um. I tell ya what, here's the cab fare for my part, and here's my phone number in case you have any problems. K?

Me: K.

We head off.

Me: Steve? You all right back there?

Steve: Yup. Jusssht take me home. Damn. Women. Sheesh.

Me: Ok. Well, where do you live? he gives me an in general and we head off.

We get to 17th SE Holgate.

Me: Steve? HEY! Steve! Wake up man, where do we go from here?

Steve: looking out the window Fuck this. AND you. I'm outta here. and he gets out.

I just look at him for a sec and seriously think about leaving him. I pull in across the street at a store and call Mike.

Me: Hey, this is your cab driver. I'm having a problem with Steve. He just got outta the cab at 17th se Holgate. I thought of leaving him, but I hate doing that with drunks. Whatcha want me to do?

Mike: Um. Shit. What's he doing?

Me: Right now, he's peeing on a phone pole.

Mike. Are you kidding me? Shit. Can you put him on the phone?

Me: Yup. Hold on, I'll drive over there. ... Hey Steve! I have Mike on the phone. Get in the car and I'll let you talk to him. he does and I do.

They talk for a second and he hands the phone back to me.

Mike: He's should be ok now. His address is ... and if you have nay more problems with him give me a call. OK?

Me: Yeah.

We get to Steve's place. I have to wake him up again. He can't find his cash or card. Right at that moment his gf called on his phone. He answers.

Steve: I'm downshtairsh. In the cab. I can't find my money. and he starts nodding off again.

Me: Hey! Give me the phone, I'll talk to her. Hi. Yeah, I'm the cabbie. He owes me 26$ right now but he can't find his money. Can you come down, I can't get him to tell me which apt. he lives in. Thank you. See you in a second.

Meanwhile, Steve has passed out again.

His gf comes downstairs and walks to the car. She hands me $26.

GF: Are you having any problems?

Me: Sort of. He jumped out of the cab so he could pee on a pole so I had to call his friend Mike. But we got it under control and now you can have him.


Me: What the FUCK are you doing man? Calm down. I look at gf. Get him the fuck outta my car.

She just throws up her hands and walks off. He's still flailing about in the back seat.

Me: Steve! CALM DOWN. NOW.

Steve: You FUCKING LYING FUCKING BITCH WHORE!! swings at me again, this time connects with the back of my arm.

Me: THAT's IT.

I get turn off the car, take out the keys and get out of the car. Call the police. It doesn't take them too long to get there. They haul him off. I get back in the car and head back downtown. My phone rings.

Mike: Hey Michelle? This is Mike. Did you get Steve home ok?

Me: Boy, did I. Then I had him arrested.

Mike: Um. WHAT?

I tell him what happened.

Mike: Wow.

Me: Yup. The p.d. said they're taking him to Hooper Detox. You can go pick him up in the morning. I'm not pressing charges, but you might want to rethink your friendship with this guy.

Mike: Actually, I just hired the guy to work for me. We decided to go out tonight for the first time. Wow. Guess I'll have to fix that.

Me: Indeed.