"I haven't seen my friends in awhile, they left me on the curb to go to another bar."

This run was a little earlier in the night than the last story I wrote.

I was rounding the corner behind the most popular bars in town when I get flagged by the security dude at 'VooDoo'. I pull over and he tells me to hang out for a second. I wait. He comes back basically dragging this young man and pours him into the backseat of my cab.

Me: Aw come on, man, I don't drag folks into houses. I'll call another cab w/a big, strapping man driver to take care of this guy.

Dude: He was just awake. Shakes kid. Hey! You all right man? You gonna do right by this lady here, she take you home?

Kid: Ummmm. Yeah. I'm fine. Really. Just take me home.

Security dude looks at me, I just shrug and nod my head.

Me: Hey there. Kinda early to be going home already, isn't it?

He: Yeah. Probably. What time is it?

Me: 9p.

He: Wow. I started drinking at about 2p today. It's my birthday. My friends kept buying me shots.

Me: Huh. Well, happy birthday. Didja have a good time?

He: I think so. We decided to come downtown about 7p. I haven't seen my friends for awhile now. They left me on the curb a little while ago and decided to go to another bar.

Me: You consider these good friends?

He: You know.

Me: Yeah. So, how ya feeling?

He: Pretty shitty.

Me: You gonna yak?

He: Probably.

Me: Don't do it in my cab. Just let me know and I'll pull over. Really. Any time. All right?

He: K.

He lived about 6 miles away. We had to stop 13 times for him to yack out the door. (3 times on one bridge.) The last time was right in front of the cop shop on NE MLK Blvd. There was a cop standing there, laughing so hard he almost fell over. He called a couple of his friends over, they were laughing. I was just sitting there, watching this kid hang out the door. (By this point he pretty much had nothing left in him, just the heaves.)


"I'm a MAN, I can handle it."

Picked up this young couple downtown, they lived about 15 mins. outta town. About 2 minutes into the ride the young man tells me it's his 21st birthday.

Me: Happy Birthday! Didja have a good time.

He: Oh yeah. It was fun. I'm pretty drunk.

She: You didn't have that much to drink tonight.

He: Yeah. But I'm all right.

Me: Well, happy birthday anyway.

We're toolin' along, chatting, and the further we drive the further he's leaning towards the middle of the back seat.

Me: Hey, Eric? You all right?

He: Yessh.

Me: Well, hey, if you get the urge to yak, let me know.

He: Hmmmm.

Me: Really, Eric? Man, if you yak in my cab I'm gonna charge you $50. above and beyond the fare. Are you SURE you're all right?

He: I'm a MAN. I can handle it.

Me: Ah. Ok then. Now that we have THAT settled... but I'm not kidding. This is a no yak zone.

He: It's all right. I'm tellin' you.

Me: All rightee then.

I get them home, almost 20 minute ride. I pull away, go to the end of the street and turn around, as I am driving back the poor kid is yakking all over the neighbors' bush.



"I was in detox with a bunch of scary women!"

I get sent to pick up someone that called at a Plaid Pantry in a not so great neighborhood at about 7a one Saturday. I wait for a bit and call dispatch, they call the young lady, she is on her way, will be about a minute or so. I'm sitting there, doors locked, reading a book when I look up. I see this girl walking towards me and she looks torn UP. Typical for this area, but still, I'm a little concerned. Her knees are bloody, make-up down her face, hair all mangled, carrying one of her shoes. I swear I thought she had just gotten mugged. I got out of the car and asked her if she needed some help.

She: No, I'm **, you're waiting for me.

Me: (blink) Whoa. OK. Are you all right? Need to go to the hospital or something?

She: No. I just need to go home. I live in Sellwood, near the river.

Me: All right. Um. So. Rough night eh?

She just starts bawling. Out loud, big ol' ugly tears and shudders. I hand her some kleenex and wait for it to blow over. She finally calms down a bit and explains to me what happened. Turns out that she woke this morning in detox, had no clue how or why she was "... in there with a bunch of scary women!"

She: I woke up because this woman was trying to unbutton the front of my dress. I was laying on the floor. Apparently we're right next to the mens' room because she scooted across the floor to whisper to this guy through the door that I was starting to wake up. He was mad at her because he could see me under the door and wanted her to hurry and get my clothes off. There were about 10 other women in there, all awake, and they were going to let her!! He started telling her that if she loved him she would hurry and get my clothes off before I woke up fully, she was the best girlfriend he'd ever had, how beautiful she sounded and that he couldn't wait to MEET her!! I started screaming and the police came. They said they were just waiting for me to wake up to process me. When I told them what almost happened they said I could file a complaint on Monday. I just wanted to get out of there. They said they had towed my car, the only thing I had on me was my ID. I can't get my boyfriend to answer his phone so I didn't know who else to call. I know you guys are pretty strict about this, but I don't have any money or my visa on me, I swear I have it at home. Are you ok w/this?

Me: Um. You say you have your ID on you? Can I see it? she hands it up to me. Is it all right if I hold this until you pay me?

She: Ye-ees.

Me: All right. Then we're golden. I'll trust you.

As we're driving along I tell her a couple of cab stories to get her distracted and laughing, then her boyfriend calls. I hear her 1/2 of the conversation ...

She: What do you mean, 'wher have I been all night?' Where have YOU been? I've been trying to call you for over an hour. I just had a HORRIBLE morning, I was in Detox. My car got towed, I don't have my house keys or any money. Where were you at ... WHAT? NO!! I told you, I was in Detox! I woke up this morning and ... YES! Really. I have the papers they gave me when I left this morning. NO! I'm in a cab. It was HORRIBLE!! I woke up to this lady ... NO! You KNOW I would never cheat on you! I LOVE you! Why do you keep saying that? I was in Detox! What? Yes, I told you, I'm in a cab right now. I know, but this one said she'll take me home and wait for me to get my money out of the house. Yes. Yes. Do you want to talk to her? she looks at me in the rearview. Yes, she says she'll talk to you. Really. Yes, really. The cab driver's a woman. I'll let you talk to her. REALLY! The cab driver's a woman. Well, apparently there is at least one, as she's driving the cab. She IS. Where were you that I couldn't reach you? I remember trying to find you last night before I left the house and ... WHAT? NO!! I told you, I can prove I was in Detox. Yes! I love you! I would NEVER cheat on you! Can you meet me at home and bring my keys? I can't get in w/out breaking in. Why? Where are you? Yes. Yes. NO! I'm sorry. You're right. I love you. Of COURSE I trust you. Yes. I'll just break in. Baby, I'm sorry, you know I love you more than ...

I quit listening at this point.



Random Stuff ...

... said by me.

They: Are you free?

Me: Nope. But I'm available.

"Are you DEAF woman? I TOLD you I'm in a coma!"

I get sent to a Blockbuster video store at about 3a one morning. On my way I ask the dispatcher if it's going to be an employee or what as they aren't open this time of the morning.

Disp: No. It's a police call. I just got a call from their dispatcher. Apparently there is a guy there that needs a ride.

Ah man. Cop calls are NEVER good. Unfortunately there is no one else on this side of town so I head over there. I call my man and tell him what's going on, since this call is only a few blocks from our house he is my backup and to stay on the phone.

I pull up to Blockbuster and there is a guy laying 1/2 on the grass, 1/2 on the sidewalk, in the sprinkler. I pull my car up to where I can see him and roll down the window.

Me: Are you the fella the police called us for?

He: Can you help me out here? At least OPEN the FRICKIN' DOOR for me. Shit. I'll tip you.

I get out of the car and walk around, but don't open the door. I've already decided there is no way I'm taking this guy anywhere.

Me: Hey there. So. Whatcha doin' layin' in the sprinkler? It's a little cold out here.

He: I just need a fuckin' ride. The damn cops called you guys and just left me here. I'm in a diabetic coma here. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?!

Me: Hey now, no need to yell. I can hear you just fine. Even if you ARE in a coma. So, am I supposed to give you a ride or what?

He: I'm not IN a coma. What, are you deaf woman? I didn't say that. Shit. Why do I always get the STUPID cab drivers? MAN.

Me: Well, obviously I'm not deaf, I'm hearing your yelling just fine. So, again, why are you lying on the sidewalk?

He: I TOLD you. I'm diabetic. I'm in a COMA. Jesus. Can you just take me somewhere? Damn cops. I HATE cops. But I kinda like you. You look like you're pretty sweet. He says as he smiles with both his teeth showing.

At this point, my boyfriend is laughing so hard I can barely hear what this guy is saying. And it's making it damned hard not to laugh back as well.

Me: Oh, I AM sweet. But where exactly is it you need to go?

He: I need to go to 21st and E Broadway. I'm on section 8. It's cool. You'll get a voucher once you get there. I need to get going. I'm COLD here.

Me: Oh man, I'm sorry but we don't do medical. You need to talk to *** Cab. I can call them for you if you'd like.

He: WHAT? After all this time you won't even HELP ME UP??! What the hell is wrong with people these days? Won't even help a guy when he's down. Shit. World is going to hell, I tell ya. Fuckin' cab drivers can't even give a free ride now and then.

Me: Oh jeez. Stop that. I am a CAB, not a preacher. If you got cash then I'm more than willing to help you out. Sounds like you've gone through this before. I tell ya what I WILL do for you. I'll call the other cab company and ask them to come get you.

He: But I'm cold NOW. Can I sit in your cab until they get here. IF they get here. They never show up when I tell them my name.

BF is laughing even harder now.

Me: I'm so sorry, but I'm workin' here. I have to leave. But if I could make a suggestion, you might warm up a bit if you get out of the sprinklers.

He: Can you take me somewhere? ANYwhere? Just one block? Pleeeease? Just ONE DAMN BLOCK? Is that too much to ask? Damn.

Me: Where exactly is it you would like me to take you? There is nothing open right now.

BF: M, stop teasing the man. Just drive away.

He: Well, take me over there. They're open.

Me: You want me to take you through the McDonalds drive thru?

He: No, no no. Not the drive thru. Take me to the front door. They'll open for me. I'm special. They'll let me in.

Me: Well, that's cool that you're so special. I bet you have a lot of people tell you that. But I'm sorry, I really have to go. I'll go ahead and call that other cab company for you now. Unless of course you would like me to call the police for you, I'd bet they can help you out.

He: Fuck it. And Fuck YOU. You're not so sweet. I guess I was wrong. Just get on out of here.

Me: Oh, I'm still sweet. I'll call that other cab. Have a lovely morning.



"Now that I've seen you, I know he wouldn't fuck you" (this one is long!)

Christmas Eve, (technically Xmas Day) 1a. I get flagged by a guy in downtown Ptld.

He: Can you take my friend home?

Me: Where's your friend?

He: On the sidewalk right there.

Me: Oh no. I don't haul drunks in the house, clean up after them, etc.

He: No really. He's all right. All you have to do is nudge him. Look.

One of the friends standing by the drunk guy on the sidewalk nudge him. He gets up and walks to the car and gets in.

Me: I dunno. Where's he going?

He: Camas. Here's his I.D. and visa. Can you take him? Please?! We want to stay in town a little bit longer and he's been up all day working, etc.

Me: (thinking that anywhere in Camas is about a $60. run) Oh. All right. He's gonna wake up to give me directions, right?

He: Oh yeah. He's just tired. Not too drunk. Thanks!!

He and 2 other guys walk off, laughing. I thought it was just 'cuz they were going to have a good time without their friend. Little did I know ...

I get us up to Camas about 25 mins. later and try to wake Dude to get directions. He doesn't wake. At all. Just lays there and moans a little. Great.

I stop at an open gas station and get directions. Turns out that - due to road construction - we had to backtrack into Vancouver and go out that way to get to the address on Dude's I.D.

I get to the address I was looking for (bought a map) and it turns out the address is a strip mall. Same address that is on his ID. The mall has Ste. #'s, his ID just says "107". Argh.

I finally succeed in waking him up. It takes a few minutes.

Me: Dude! Wake up damn it. I need to know where your house is from here. Come ON.

He sorta wakes up and looks out the window.

He: Ummmm. Thish ish fine.

So he opens the door, gets out, walks over to the sidewalk, sits down and passes out again. Falls over.

It's 26 deg. out there, not like I could leave him ... morally anyway. So I called the Vanc. PD. (which have no non-er # after 5p) and speak to their dispatcher.

Me: Hey, I'm a cab driver from Ptld. I have a drunk fella just got outta my cab and passed out on the side of the road here. Can you send an officer, please?

Disp: Um. Excuse me?

Me: Really. This kinda stuff happens all the time, I just need you to send an officer here to get this guy. I don't want to leave him and it's a little cold out here.

Disp: I bet you have an interesting job.

Me: You have no idea. Are you sending someone?

Disp: Yes. It's going to be awhile though.

Me: Fine. Just send someone as soon as you can.

Disp: All right. What's the address you're at?

I provide.

Disp: All right. And where is your customer?

Me: He's on the sidewalk right over here by ... lemme see ... OH SHIT! He's GONE! Oh man. Sometimes I hate my job. (Getting out of car) Hold on. Let me see ... Ah hell. Here he is. He's behind the sign out front of the shopping mall. Looks like he's passed out again. Can I kick him?! No? All right. Look. I put my jacket on him, can you just send us an officer before he gets up and wanders off into traffic or something?

Disp: All right. I have the call dispatched. Do you need me to stay on the line w/you until they get there?

Me: Naw. I'll be fine in my car w/the doors locked and heater on. You might wanna hurry up and get someone here before this guy freezes to death though.

I call my dispatcher and tell him what's going on. We laugh about it and I just sit there waiting, with the meter running. (!)

45 minutes later 2 officers in a patrol car show up. After they speak to me and get done laughing they go try to wake up Dude. One ofcr stays w/Dude and the other talks to me.

Ofcr1: This happen often?

Me: You have no idea.

Ofcr1: You been paid yet?

Me: No. I have his ID and Visa card here his friends gave me though.

Ofcr1: All right. Hey, can you call your dispatcher and see if there is a listing for this guy in Ptld phone directory.

Me: Yup.

We have one listing under this guys' name. I call it and leave a message... "Hi, my name is M, I am a cab driver for ... and I have this fella named ... in my car. This is what's going on, if he belongs to you call me back at this number please."

I let Ofcr1 know what's going on. In the meantime Ofcr2 has gotten Dude awake and coherent enough to realize that he's about to be in some serious trouble.

Dude: I can't go to jail. I CAN'T!! I'll be in so much trouble. Can you take me home?

Me: Me? Maybe. Where do you live?

Dude: In Ptld.

Me: Huh. That's not what your ID says. But hey, yes, I can take you back, but I'm going to charge you for it. And you had better stay awake for this ride. Just for the record the meter's been running since I picked you up. It's at about $175. now.

Dude: Fine. Really. Just take me home.

Ofcr's are laughing, but hey, less work for them.

Dude gets in my car and we head off to his house.

I finally get him home at almost 4a. Christmas Day. I'm wondering if this counts for my good deed for this year or if I have to wait until next to collect from Santa on this one.

I run his credit card - $245. He signs it, doesn't even leave me a tip (!) and staggers off into the house.

I go home.

You'd think that would be the end of it, right?

'Round about 7a my phone rings. I pick it up and I have a woman screaming in my ear ... "Who the FUCK are you and what are you doing with MY man at 3 O clock in the FUCKING morning?!!"


Me: Here's what happened ...

I tell her the story, she digests for about 15 seconds and then ...

Her: You lying BITCH! There ARE no female cab drivers in Ptld! I don't know who the FUCK you think you are but I'm going to find you and ...

Me: HEY! Stop yelling at me. It's Christmas for Crissakes. :o) Look. Here's the phone number for my office. You can call them, they'll verify I work for them and what happened. This story is the only thing anyone is talking about anyway this morning.

She: I don't know who you are BITCH, but I'm going to find you and ..

click. I hung up on her.

My phone rings again. I turn off the ringer and go back to sleep.

Still might think it's done, huh? Nope.

About 9 o'clock in the morning - remember ... Christmas Day ... I have someone banging on my door. WTF??!! I'm assuming Santa doesn't knock so I go answer it.

Not so happy Ptld Police Officer standing at my door.

Me: Well now. It's Christmas, not Halloween so I'm assuming you're not Santa in costume. (no smile from him) What can I do for you officer?

He: Are you ... ?

Me: Yup. What'd I do?

He: I need you to come down to your office and speak to me and another officer. We have the owner of your company down there along w/the complaintants.

Me: WHAT? What 'complaintants' are you talking about? What's going on?

He: Apparently you turned your phone off, the owner of your company is trying to resolve a complaint made against you for credit card fraud and instead of just coming over here to arrest you we are trying to resolve this as we hear there may be a legitimate reason for what you've done.

Me: "Legitimate reason"?? Are you shitting me? Is this about that guy I just dropped off a coupla hours ago? WTF? I can tell you what happend. He ...

He: I'm sorry, but I need you to come down to your dispatch office. If not, I can take you downtown and we can book you and talk about it there.

Me: Shit. All right. Can I get dressed or do I have to go in my pj's? I'd hate to catch a cold.

He: Yes, you can get dressed, but I need to stay in the apt. to make sure you aren't going to go anywhere.

Me: Holy shit. All right. Come on in. Make yourself at home. Hell, ya want a beer?


Me: no? All right. Give me a minute here.

We head down to the office. Get there where there is my boss, another officer, the dispatcher that worked last night, Dude and the woman spitting fire out her eyes at me MUST be his woman.

She starts right in ... " This BITCH called me at ... " blah blah blah. She blathers on for about 5 minutes, cussing and calling me every name in the book.

We all just sit there and listen to her. (Truth to tell, I was kinda impressed. I'm a CAB DRIVER and haven't heard some of those names before. :o)

I finally get a chance to explain my side of it. One of the officers says "Do you have the incident # from the Vanc PD?"

Me: No. But here is the # I called on my cell phone last night. I think the officer I talked to was named ... can you call this number and get it?

Ofcr: Yes. Give me a minute.

He walks outside, apparently to call the Vanc PD. One ofcr stays in and the woman just starts going off on me again.

She: I don't know who the FUCK you think you are but I'm telling you MY man doesn't GO out drinking anymore since he met me. I don't LET him. He doesn't go OUT with those loser friends of his anymore. When I took him from my friend he used to go out drinking and whoring around, NOT ANY MORE. And now YOU call ME in the middle of the FUCKING night and say you have him, I will NOT put up with this. And I KNOW you stole his credit card, you BITCH! And I'm going to prove it! You look like a fucking WHORE anyway. What kind of WOMAN drives a cab anyway? A WHORE that's what kind.

I'm just sitting here looking at her the whole time. I'm kinda shocked, to say the least. Matter o' fact, everyone else in the room is pretty well shocked too.

Me: Wow. Such language on Christmas. Are you sure you aren't a cab driver? That's quite a mouth you got on you! Anyone have a piece of paper and a pen, I need to write some of these down before I forget 'em.

She: You FUCKING BITCH I'm going to ...

Fortunately the other officer came back in right then.

Ofcr1: Well, I've spoken to the officer the cab driver spoke w/last night. Everything she told us about the time she was with the officers has checked out. So I'm going to assume the rest of it is true as well.

She: WHAT?! How do you know this woman isn't lying about the rest of it? I want her arrested!! NOW! Just because that little bit is true doesn't mean the rest of it is. And how do you know the cops she spoke with last night aren't lying for her as well? HUH?

Me: Um. Wow. Well, would pictures help?

She just glared at me.

Ofcr1: What do you mean?

Me: I have a camera phone that when I take pictures it time stamps and dates the pics. I took pics last night. Would that help any?

I say as I smile innocently at the bitch.

He asks to see it. Goes through the pics.

Ofcr1: All right. I believe the cab driver. I think we can all just go home and try to salvage what is left of our holidays, ok?

She: Well, I just really wanted to see what she looked like. Now that I've seen you, I know he wouldn't fuck you anyway.

Ofcr2: One second. Cabbie? I'm thinking you have a lawsuit on your hands. 'Defamation of character', etc etc etc. (he's saying this while he's staring right at the bitch. He rattles off a bunch of stuff and her eyes are just getting bigger and bigger.) And Officer 1, I'm thinking we can certainly file a 'false report' against this woman here. And I'm certain there are many other things we haven't even thought of that will certainly get this woman arrested, here and now if you, Cabbie, would like to file charges.

I stared at her for a few seconds. (did I mention that the whole time we're here Dude is sitting in the chair with his head in his hands, saying absolutely nothing? :o)

Me: Look. It's Christmas. It's the season for tolerance, even the stupid people need a break during this holiday. I just want to go home and go back to bed. What say we all go home and everyone ... Merry Christmas all right?!

We all head off to do our thing.

You'd think it was over NOW, wouldn't you?! Nope.

2 weeks later, she disputed the credit card charge.



"Oh my God, THIS is the cab he rode in?!!"

I got called to the Marriott to take a couple of young kids to the 'port at about 9p tonight. A 14 yr. old boy and 2 15 yr. old girls. They flew out here from Cincinnati just for the Dew Action Sports Tour. Sans parents and/or guardians.

They hopped in the car and were incredibly excited about their weekend. They said this was the "... BEST weekend of their LIVES!!" It was so cute.

It's about a 15 minute run to the 'port so we were chatting a bit and the young man asked me for a cab driver story.

Me: How old are you?

He: That don't matter. Tell us a story. Something nasty!

Me: Are you kidding me? It's almost Sunday. It's like, against the law to tell underage kids nasty stories on Saturday evenings. If you guys would have gotten in my car tomorrow ... :o)

He: Aw man. All right. Tell us something funny.

Me: All right. Ya know that boy that won the gold medal in the Olympics? For snowboarding? The redhead, you know who I mean. Shane, Sean somethingorother?

He: Oh yeah!! Shawn (whatever)!! He's like, so totally RAD! Man! We came out here to see him ... etc etc.

Me: Yeah. I think that's the guy. Anyway, I had him and a couple of his friends in my car last night and ...

They: WHAT???!!! OH MY GAWD!!! This is the CAB he rode in?!! Where'd he sit?!!

Me: Right behind me.


Then all 3 of them were jumping around and changing seats so they could each get their pic taken in the same seat, in the same cab as Shawn.

It was so cute. They would start talking about something else then one would say "I can't believe we're in the same cab as Shawn. This is so cool!"

Made me remember how I acted at that age.


"I bet you won't give me a ride because I'm black, huh?"

I have about 45 mins. to kill before I have to go pick up a 'regular' at about 4:30a to take to the airport. I sit at the Hilton downtown and play some Nintendo, not accepting any calls. A young man staggers up to me and tries to get in my backseat.

Me: Hey there. Sorry, I have to go pick someone up. I can call another cab for you though.

He: Hey. Why's the door locked?

Me: I always have my doors locked. Sorry. Would you like me to call you another cab?

He: Yeah. Sure. I need to go to Hillsboro.

Me: Well, where abouts in Hillsboro? The person I have to pick up is in that area.

He: Ummmm. By the Max station.

Me: Ok. Which one?

He: I don't know. The one off Washington.

Me: Ah. Ok. Ya know that's gonna cost ya about $45. right?

He: Yeah. I just need to get home. The Max stopped running.

Me: Yeah, I get a lot of people this time of night that say that. That going to be cash or credit?

He: Ummmmm. Cash.

Me: All right. So, for me to take you that far out of town, this late at night, I need cash up front. That going to be a problem?

He: Nah. I got it. Let's just get going. I need to get home. Unlock the door.

Me: Ok. But for me to go anywhere I need some sort of deposit.

He: All RIGHT. Shit. Just let me ... checking his pockets ... Oh shit! Man. Ya know WHAT?

Me: What's that?

He: Shit. Man. When I was buying dope earlier I think I left my wallet at dudes house.

Me: Well, that could be a problem. So you don't have any money on you?

He: No. Shit. You take credit cards?

Me: Sure. Long as it's in your name, valid, and you have valid i.d.

He: Cool. I got it. Let's get going. Open the door.

Me: I tell ya what, why don't you give me your card now and I'll start running it now.

He: Ok. checking pockets again. Um. Well ... it's ...

Me: ... in your wallet right?

He: Yeah. Can you just take me to where my wallet is? It's just down the street.

Me: I tell ya what, if it's just down the street why don't you wander on down and get it. I'll wait right here, for 1/2 hour and when you come back, with some form of legal tender I'll give you a ride. K?

He: Ah hell. All right. But are you going to wait?

Me: I said I'll wait right here, for half an hour, that's it.

He: I've just had so many of you drivers say you're going to wait and then you don't. You guys always drive off as soon as I walk off. I bet you won't give me a ride because I'm black huh?! You're gonna get scared just like all the other fuckin' cab drivers out here.

Me: Are you KIDDING me? You're trying to get ME to give YOU a ride when you try to get into my FOR-HIRE CAB without any MONEY, and then you pull the race card and try and guilt me into it when I say no? Gimme a break here.

He: All right. All right. I'm just kidding. I just need a ride. I really did forget my wallet.

Me: Right. Well, I'll be here for another 25 minutes. If you come back here, WITH some legal form of payment, I'll give you a ride. That's the best I can do for ya.

He: All right. I'll be right back. You'll be here, right?

Me: With bells on.

I wasn't surprised that he didn't make it back on time. Are you?


"I just bought this to get laid"

I pick up a sailor during Rose Festival's Fleet Week.

Me: 'Howdy Sailor!' I say with a smile.

He smiles back and tells me where we're off to.

Me: So what ya from?

He: Right here in Portland.

Me: Right on. That's gotta be cool, being able to come home and see the family and whatnot while you're docked.

He: Actually, ya know what? You seem like you're fairly cool.

Me: I am. Thanks.

He: Ha! I'm not actually a sailor.

Me: Huh. So what's with the whites?

He: I bought this at a thrift store for $5.00 so I could get laid this week.

Me: Huh. So how's that workin' out for ya?

He: Every night so far.

Me: Except tonight, right?

He: Not at all, tonight I got YOU.

Me: Oh puh-leeeeze. I'm the only sober woman you're going to run into for the next 3 days, do you really think that's gonna work on ME?

He: Well, I had to try. You're kinda cute, do you wanna come in?

Me: Oh jeez. We're here. Good thing I didn't have more time to think about it or I just might have. Good luck to you.


"I'm sorry, but we've changed our minds"

About 3a I get 'flagged' by a young man and two women. He gets in the middle, they on either side.

He: Can you take us to West Linn?

Me: Certainly.

Within 5 seconds the 2 girls start yelling and cussing at each other. The one girl doesn't want to leave her car downtown, she's afraid it will get towed, broken into, etc. The other is trying - by sheer force of volume - to convince her they're all too drunk to drive. The guy is sitting in the middle with his head back on the seat with his eyes closed.

Sounds like this is going to be a long ride.

We get stuck at a light. Loud Girl #1 finally gets LG2 crying.

He: Can you pull over a second, we need to talk. Leave the meter running, it's all right.

about 1 minute later:

He: Look, I'm sorry, but we've changed our minds. It's what ... $4.50 on the meter? Here, take this. Keep the change. I'm really sorry.

They get out and walk back the way we came, the light changes and I drive on thinking how much I would have liked that $45.00 trip and hoping he gave me more than just the .50 left over from the $4.50. I turn on my inside light to see what he had given me and un-wad a $100.00 bill.

Breakfast was on him that morning.



"I'll give you a fifsky if you'll blow me in the parking lot."

I pick up these 3 young men at the corner of the newest hot bar in town.

Funny guy #1 gets shotgun, other 2 in back.

FG1: Hey Dude. Oh wow ... excuse me ... Hi Honey! Hey guys, check this out, we got us a FEmale cabbie! Now you know why I always get the front seat. Hi Baby.

FG2: Hey, she's kinda hot!

Me: Yeah, yeah. Where we off to fellas?

FG3: Anywhere you wanna take us.

FG2: Yeah, we wanna come home with YOU!!

Me: Uh-huh. Since we know that isn't going to happen where would you like me to drop you?

FG1: How about someplace that serves food this late. I bet you know where everything good is, huh?!

Titters from the peanut gallery.

Me: Of course I do. But since I'm only taking you as far as it takes to get you to some decent food you might wanna strap in.

FG1: I love it when a lady says that to me.

More titters.

FG2: How about you join us?

FG3 and 1: Yeah!! Come on, we'll buy!

Me: Aw shucks fellas, thanks for the offer, but I'm workin' here.

FG1: Come on. Look, what'll it cost for us to buy you dinner? You get paid by the hour, right?

Me: No, I don't. And, really, thanks for the offer, but I just can't. I tell ya what though, I'll drop you someplace where there is a LOT hotter gals than I that might actually find you charming. Whatchasay?

FG2: Hey, I like you. You're cool.

FG3: All right. We're at your mercy baby.

FG1 is just starting at me, assessing. 'That look' I get.

Me: Heh. Funny.

We get to the restaurant, the 2 fellas in back get out.

FG3: Thanks for The Ride.

FG2: Yeah. That's the best Ride I've gotten from a woman in a long time.

Me: Oh, how sad for you that must be if I'm the best you've gotten in awhile. wink Bye boys.

FG1 is in the process of paying, says "One sec" to his friends.

FG1: Look, you're really kinda hot. I'll give you a fifsky if you'll take me around the corner and blow me in the parking lot. Really. Look, here's my money.

He pulls a $50. bill out of his pocket.

Me: Wow. That's a lot of money for such a small job. wink I appreciate the offer, really, but just the fare please.

FG1: I just had to try one more time. You're cool. Have a good night.

Me: You too.


"So what are you doing when you drop us off?"

About 2:30a I pick up an older, incredibly unattractive man with a younger, attractive hooker that calls me directly for her car rides. Alcohol fumes are wafting into the car before they even get in. She is swaying as they stand on the corner. He, being a larger fella, sits in the middle of the backseat, she is scrunched up in the corner.

He: Hello sweetie. Can you give us a ride to * Hotel at the airport please.

I make eye contact with him, say "Certainly" and drive off.

After about 30 seconds into the ride I look in my rearview mirror to find him staring at me. I smile, somewhat uncertainly, and he just keeps staring. Great, it's going to be 'one of those' rides, I think to myself and sure enough, he grabs said hooker by the back of the neck and pretty much bends her in half to get her head into his lap.

He: Is this all right with you?

Me: If she leaves anything on the seat I'm going to charge you extra for it.

He: Oh, don't you worry, she won't leave anything on the seat if she knows what's good for her.

I just keep driving. Look in my rear view mirror and he is still staring me in the eye while the rest of him is occupied elsewhere. I just roll my eyes and drive. Next time I look up he is smirking at me for a second, then he gets this confused look on his corpulent face, kinda cocks his head to the side and then looks down.

Next thing I know, he buries his hand in her hair and picks up her head and says "Wake UP, bitch!"

She doesn't so he rolls her into the corner of the back seat. I just drive blithley along, trying not to laugh aloud when he says "Hey Cabbie?" and when I look up into the rearview mirror inquiringly he says "So what are you doing when you drop us off?"

Me: Nothing with you.



Random Stuff ...

... said by me.

I had to take my cab in for repairs not too long ago. The car was wobblin' about a bit and I don't like driving when something is wrong.

I take it to this shop recommended by another driver (my usual guy is outta town for a few weeks).

When I walk in and tell him what the problem is and what I think could be causing it I get that typical 'this is a girl what does she know about cars' look that just irritates the hell outta me.

This guy actually said to me "Now what's a pretty little thing like you know about drive shafts?" And smiled in that ingratiating way.

Me (with a very innocent look on my face) "Isn't that the short little doohickey right next to the turn signal fluid reservoir?" and smiled very sweetly.

It actually took him a few seconds to figure out I was kidding.


"Doll, you're way too cute to need me at the end of the night."

I picked up these two good lookin' fellas from the Marriott at the Waterfront, they were going to this new bar called "Solo".

Me: You wanna go to WHAT bar?

They: Solo.

Me: Well, that doesn't sound like a very promising way to end your night.

Hot Guy #1: Darlin', you don't need to worry none about that.

Me: I imagine. So, that an Irish accent you got goin' on there Cutey? :o)

HG1: Naw. That's pure West Virginia darlin'. You like it?

Me: Words alone cannot convey how much I enjoy a sexy West Virginian accent callin' me 'darlin'.

HG2: Well hell darlin', I'm from Montana and I probably WILL end up going solo tonight, what time you get off?

Me: Mmmmmmmmm ... Just not the same, West Virginia and Montana. But thanks for the offer.

We get to the bar, about an 8 minute drive.

HG2: Well darlin' you have yourself a good night.

He gets out.

West Virginia is still sitting in the back seat digging out his wallet.

HG1: Well darlin', How about I give you my cell phone number. If you get bored at the end of the night you can give me a call.

Me: Doll, you're WAY too cute to need me at the end of the night. I tell ya though, I'd be happy if I could just have you sit in the dark and read "Green Eggs and Ham" to me.

HG1 walks around to the driver side window and says "You got some spunk girl, I like that. You take care now. Here's my card, just in case." and he kissed my hand. :o)~


"Do I LOOK gay to you?"

I get sent to a bar just across the river from downtown to pick up a guy at about 11p. After we exchange greetings he says "I'm not ready to go back to the hotel yet. Can you take me someplace where I can see some naked bodies?"

Me: Certainly. What type of naked bodies you looking for? Boy bodies or girl bodies?

He: Do I LOOK gay to you?

Me: Not necessarily. I just asked because ...

He: I'll have you know, I am MARRIED ... TO. A. WOMAN. And happily for 15 years. I don't know why you would THINK of asking me this. What do you suppose your supervisor would have to say about you being so judgemental to customers? I don't know what's WRONG with you. I think I'm going to have to call your office tomorrow and make a complaint that you would just RANDOMLY decide to ask me if I'm gay. How DARE you!!

He rattled on in this vein for a few moments. I let him go until he said "What do you think about that?"

Me: First off; I didn't ASK if you were gay. I asked what sort of bodies you wanted to see. You didn't specify and I don't make random assumptions. And secondly, I picked you up at a gay bar.

He sorta stared at me for a few seconds and said "But there were girls there too."

Me: Well, girls can be gay too.

He digested that for a moment and said "Ah hell. Just take me back to the hotel. I need to call my wife."


"... But we call him Malibu Ken"

I picked up these 2 young men that called me directly to take them downtown from Gresham (about a 1/2 hr drive) at 10:30p on a Friday. The young man that called me has ridden w/me before, the other hasn't.

We're driving along, trading laughs when the young man up front (Ryan) re-introduces himself. The young man in the back says his name is Caleb.

After I tell Caleb "Hi" Ryan says "But we like to call him Malibu Ken. He likes that."

Me: "Oh Caleb, I'm SO sorry!"

They both look at me blankly for a few seconds and Ryan says "But why say you're sorry? Look at him, he's a pretty boy, he's tan, he surfs and all the pretty girls want him."

I look at Ryan and with a straight face say "Oh WOW! I'm sorry. I thought you called him that because his man parts are missing like all the Ken dolls."

They cracked up. After we got downtown and were almost to the Dixie the friends they were meeting drove by us. I dropped off Ryan and Caleb at the Dixie and drove around the block, their friends were blocking traffic while backing into a parking spot. The passenger walked around and saw me, smiled and walked up to the passenger side of the car, said "Hi there."

Me: Hey, I just dropped off your friends Ryan and Caleb at the Dixie. They were betting on which bar you guys would go to.

He: No kidding? How much?

Me: Twenty bucks.

He: Which one did Ryan say we'd go to?

Me: Ryan said McFadden's. Caleb said Dixie.

He: Cool. I say we run to Dixie and see if we can't get part of that bet out of Ryan.

Me: When you see them, make sure to ask Caleb why it was I thought you guys called him 'Malibu Ken'.

He: Oh gawd, they TOLD you that?!! What'd you say?

Me: Ask Ryan, I'm sure Caleb won't tell you. Bye guys!


Random Stuff ...

... said by me.

They: I bet you have a hard time entertaining yourself while you're working, huh?

Me: Darlin', I'm a woman, I've been entertaining myself since I became old enough to date.

"I need an open convenience store, quick!"

I hear from a tall, strapping young lad at about 2:15a after a long Saturday night. He's standing outside of a very popular-with-the-college-crowd dance club, very sweaty and out of breath.

Me: Not a problem, there's one fairly close. You're not from Portland I take it.

He: Naw. Here for a wedding.

Me: Ah. Yours?

He: Hell no.

Me: So, whatcha doin' out this late? Beer run?

He: Naw. Lookin' for condoms.

Me: Ah. (blink) Well. (blink) It's better to have 'em then need 'em.

He: Damn straight.

Me: You lookin' for a person to use 'em on as well or you got that part figured out?

He: She's waiting for me back at the condo.

Me: Well, I take it you weren't a boy scout, eh?

He: Why? Oh, the always be prepared thing, right? Naw. I left about 15 minutes ago, she's really patient.

Me: Or asleep.

He: I hope. Wait right here for me. I'll tip ya large, just wait here.

He lopes off into the convenience store and back after 2 minutes.

Me: All good?

He: I'm covered.

Me: after a moment ... That seems a bit premature as you haven't even gotten back to her place yet.

He: after a few seconds I see the light bulb go on ... OH. No. Naw. I'll wait for that til I get back to the condo.

Me: Ya think you're gonna be able to wake her up?

He: Look at me. I got charm.

Me: I look intently at him for a few seconds ... Do ya? Hm.

He: You don't think so?

Me: Doll, I'm the sober one here. You're nowhere near as charming to me as you think you are.

I just got that look from him.

When we pulled up to her condo (25 BLOCKS away) I said Well, good luck and all that. Don't take home anything you can't be proud of ... or get rid of with a good dose of antibiotics.

He: Uhhhhmmm. Thanks. You're funny. But I think I'm too tired for sex now. Maybe I can just get her to make me some eggs and get me a pillow.